SNOB  PAPERS 


A   HUMOROUS   NOVEL. 


BY    ADAIR    WELOKER. 

SACKAMENTO,   C-XTlFOKNIA. 


"  THE  SNOB  PAPERS,"  by  Adair  Welcker,  will  cause  more  hearty  laughter  and  genuine 
amusement  than  any  novel  that  has  been  published  for  a  long  while.  It  is  one  mass  of 
perfectly  irresistible  drollery  throughout,  and  so  many  intensely  comical  incidents  are 
crowded  into  it  that  there  is  no  room  for  anything  but  mirth.  The  action  takes  place  in 
San  Francisco,  Oakland  and  the  neighboring  country,  and  hosts  of  droll  characters  are 
introduced,  among  them  several  remarkably  lively  young  ladies  and  some  ladies  of  uncer 
tain  age  who  are  untiring  fishers  in  the  matrimonial  sea.  The  hero  is  Junius  Oldbiegh, 
a  bluff  old  Forty-Niner,  who  has  grown  immensely  rich  at  the  mines  and  comes  to  San 
Francisco  to  mingle  with  the  snobs  and  see  life.  He  sees  a  tremendous  amount  of  life, 
and  through  the  efforts  of  designing  females  gets  involved  in  many  vastly  amusing  diffi 
culties,  from  which  he  is  invariably  rescued  by  Thomas  Geseign,  a  spruce,  quick-witted 
and  comical  young  man  about  town,  whose  shrewd  sayings,  delivered  in  his  peculiar  style 
of  speech,  are  of  the  most  convulsing  type.  The  snobs  and  dudes  of  San  Francisco  are 
mercilessly  ridiculed,  and  from  one  end  to  the  other  the  narrative  rattles  briskly  on,  always 
sprightly,  comical  and  interesting.  All  who  read  "  THE  SNOB  PAPERS  "  will  hugely  enjoy  it. 


PHILADELPHIA: 

T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS; 

306     CHESTNUT     STREET. 


COPYRIGHT  1—1885. 
.A.  3D  .A.  I  IR,      "W  IE  TJ  C  1C 

6ACEAMENTO,   CALIFORNIA. 


"SNOB   PAPERS.1' 

"THE  SNOB  PAPERS,"  by  Adair  Welcker,  is  full  of  the  most  roaring 
fun,  and  there  is  not  a  page  over  which  the  reader  will  not  laugh  in  the 
heartiest  fashion.  The  work  is  a  novel  on  a  thoroughly  original  plan  and 
altogether  unlike  anything  heretofore  published.  The  scene  is  laid  in  San 
Francisco,  Oakland  and  the  surrounding  country,  and  the  characters 
are  so  thoroughly  human  that  they  will  be  understood  and  appreciated 
everywhere.  The  people  of  those  cities  will  enjoy  the  many  local  hits.  The 
httmor  of  the  book  is  of  the  highest  kind,  which  is  not  strained,  for  it  is 
founded  upon  human  nature  itself.  Junius  Oldbiegh,  an  old  Forty- 
Niner,  having  accumulated  vast  wealth  at  the  mines,  comes  to  San  Fran 
cisco  for  the  purpose  of  circulating  among  the  snobs  and  being  one  of  them. 
He  there  falls  in  with  Thomas  Geseign,  a  quick-witted  young  man  about 
town  possessed  of  a  peculiar  method  of  speech,  and  the  twain  become  insepa 
rable.  The  traps  that  are  laid  to  capture  Mr.  OldbiegJi  or  extort  money 
from  him,  especially  by  designing  females,  bring  about  hosts  of  highly 
ludicrous  complications,  and  there  are  wholesale  exposures  of  San  Fran 
cisco  snobs  and  dudes  replete  with  satirical  humor.  The  book  is  without 
a  heroine,  but  nevertheless  numbers  of  young  ladies,  attractive,  romantic 
and  scheming,  figure  prominently  in  its  pages  and  give  zest  and  spice  to 
the  comical  narrative.  Everybody  should  read  "  THE  SNOB  PAPERS,"  for 
as  a  bright,  breezy  romance  of  excessive  drollery  it  has  no  equal. 


CONTENTS. 


Chapter.  Page. 

i.  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  BIDE 21 

n.  MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES  .     63 
in.  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY 114 

IV.   CAPTAIN   GRUNYON 131 

V.   A  TOUR   WITH   MAJOR   HAWKINS 149 

VI.    AFTER   THE   EDITOR 177 

VII.    A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT 200 

VIII.   AN   ELOPEMENT   AND   AN    ARREST 241 

ix.  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS 264 

X.   A  CAT   CONCERT 283 

XI.    THE   RULES    OF    SOCIETY 297 

XII.   A   YACHTING  TRIP 316 

XIII.  A   SNOB   BALL 345 

XIV.  TWO  THRILLING   TALES 370 

XV.   A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS 395 

XVI.   A   SNOB   FUNERAL 410 

XVII.   THE  BOARDING   SCHOOL 435 

XVIII.   ADIEU 452 

(19) 


SNOB   PAPEKS. 


CHAPTER    I. 

A   MINER   S     EVENTFUL     RIDE. 

IT  was  a  bright  morning  and  the  warm  sun  was  just 
rising  and  was  casting  its  flood  of  beams  over  the 
hills  back  of  Oakland,  on  the  smooth  blue  surface  of 
the  bay  of  San  Francisco,  on  the  bald  head  of  Goat 
Island — bald  as  that  of  a  married  man — on  the  shining 
windows  of  the  houses  on  Alcatraz  Island,  on  the  ship 
ping,  on  the  warehouses  along  the  water-front,  on  the 
.city  of  San  Francisco,  and  coming  further  to  the  west, 
its  rays  fell  in  a  perfect  blaze  on  the  white  front  of 
one  of  the  old-time  decaying  hotels  on  the  north  end 
of  Kearney  street — a  hotel  that  at  one  time  had  been 
a  first-class  house,  but  which  had  at  last  been  given  up 
to  the  poorer  classes. 

A  chambermaid,  walking  with  a  lively  step  along 
the  rickety  porch  which  ran  in  front  of  the  second 
story  of  the  building,  with  a  green  tin  slop-pail  in  her 
liand,  suddenly  stopped  and  stood  in  a  listening  atti 
tude.  Some  one  near  her  had  broken  out  into  a  loud 
and  heathenish  "  Haw !  haw !  haw ! "  The  girl  looked 
to  the  right,  but  saw  no  one  in  a  violent  state  of  cachin- 

(21) 


22  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

nation,  and  she  was  in  the  act  of  looking  to  the  left, 
for  such  a  person,  when  a  sound  of  uncontrollable 
laughter  was  heard  directly  overhead. 

She  looked  up  and  saw  a  great  round  red  face  beam 
ing  with  smiles.  It  was  evidently  the  face  of  a  happy 
bachelor.  The  face  was  sunburnt  and  on  each  of  the 
red  cheeks  were  side-whiskers  of  auburn  color,  a  nose, 
somewhat  flat  in  the  centre  of  the  face,  and  two  great 
round  clear  blue  eyes  were  in  the  face,  and  these  eyes 
were  gazing  directly  at  her  with  an  intense  stare. 

The  girl  was  a  new  girl,  and  the  idea  struck  her  that 
for  some  inconceivable  reason  the  man  leaning  out  of 
the  window  overhead  was  laughing  at  her.  A  woman 
will  often  get  angry  under  such  circumstances.  She 
glanced  rapidly  at  her  dress,  which  was  tucked  up  by 
pins,  above  her  ankles,  and  at  her  shoes,  with  the  shoe 
strings  dragging  behind  her ;  at  her  brown  calico  dress, 
with  half  the  buttons  on  her  bosom  unbuttoned ;  and 
then  she  looked  angrily  at  the  face  which  was  still 
glancing  down  at  her  from  above,  and  said  ferociously: 
"Is  it  me  you  are  laughing  at — is  it?"  "Haw!  haw! 
haw!"  was  the  only  reply  which  the  bachelor  conde 
scended  to  give.  "Say,  are  you  laughing  at  me?" 
said  the  girl,  more  angrily  still.  Another  burst  of 
laughter,  and  the  gentleman,  who  was  quite  a  stout 
gentleman,  leaned  further  out  of  the  window  and 
glanced  down  upon  the  girl,  with  that  sort  of  a  look 
upon  his  face  which  is  sometimes  seen  on  the  face  6f 
one  person,  who  gazes  at  another  while  he  is  entirely 
oblivious  of  the  presence  of  that  other. 

"Do  you  suppose  you  know  what  you   are?"  said 


A    MINER'S    EVENTFUL    HIDE.  2 


o 


the  girl,  now  in  a  violent  state  of  passion ;  "  you're  an 
old  fool!  You  haven't  got  enough  brains  for  a  mus- 
quito!  Oh  !  you  old  baby's-face  !  You've  got  a  laugh 
for  which  you'd  ought  to  be  arrested !  I  never  see 
your  like  before,  except  when  I  see  the  monkeys  at 
Woodward's;  and  there's  where  you  ought  to  be 
exhibited  with  the  other  apes  and  baboons.  There 
now!" 

When  the  angry,  rattling  tongue  of  the  girl  ceased 
its  abuse,  the  gentleman  above,  seeming  to  recognize 
her  presence  for  the  first  time,  gazed  at  her  in  a  long, 
serious  stare ;  and  then,  as  if  to  keep  some  humorous 
idea  out  of  his  mind,  he  again  broke  out  into  loud 
guffaws,  after  which  he  mopped  his  perspiring  fore 
head  with  a  large  red-bordered  silk  handkerchief,  and 
wiped  the  tears  from  his  eyes. 

"  She's  a  widdyer ! "  said  he,  "  a  reg'lar  two-forty 
widdyer!  A  downright  screamin'  widdyer;  a  wid 
dyer!  haw!  haw!"  He  seemed  intensely  amused  at 
the  curious  thought. 

"  I'll  show  you  what  kind  of  a  widow  I  am ! "  said 
the  girl,  white  in  the  face,  as  she  took  a  rag  from  the 
pail,  and  squeezed  the  water  out  of  it,  after  which  she 
flung  it  at  him  with  her  full  force.  It  missed  his  head 
and  struck  the  window-pane,  and  the  glass  came  tumb 
ling  in  shattered  pieces  about  the  girl,  ringing  as  it 
struck  the  porch  around  her.  "Curse  you!"  said 
the  girl,  but  the  head  of  the  man  she  cursed  was  no 
longer  to  be  seen,  for  he  had  withdrawn  it  with  won 
derful  rapidity  into  the  room,  and  had  not  looked  out 
since  she  had  thrown  the  rag  at  him. 


24  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

She  went  into  a  hall  that  opened  upon  a  porch,  the 
light  shining  upon  her  blonde  hair  as  she  went.  The 
question  may  arise  in  the  reader's  mind  was  the  hair 
real?  The  writer  possesses  no  information  on  the  sub 
ject.  She  turned  out  of  this  hallway  into  a  dark  pas 
sage  at  right  angles  to  it;  and  just  as  she  turned  a 
stout  gentleman  in  a  white  vest  and  a  great  brown 
coat,  with  enormous  pockets  in  it;  with  one  of  the 
best-natured  sunburnt  faces  in  the  world — a  face  that 
proved  that  there  was  a  big  heart  under  the  white 
vest — and  the  same  large  light  blue  eyes,  which  proved 
him  to  be  the  same  man  who  had  been  at  the  window 
up-stairs,  caught  sight  of  her  as  he  came  down  the 
stairway  from  the  story  above.  He  followed  after  her, 
and  when  he  turned  around  the  corner  into  the  dark 
passage-way,  he  found  the  girl  there,  holding  her  dress 
up  to  her  eyes  with  both  hands,  sobbing. 

"Say,  woht's  the  matter?"  said  he,  putting  his 
thick  hand  on  her  shoulder. 

"  Matter  enough,"  s*id  the  girl.  "  You  insulted  me; 
so  go  'way,  and  leave  me  alone." 

44  Old  Junius  Oldbiegh  insulted  you?  Bluff  old 
Junyers,  who'd  like  to  see  himself  shot  dead  as  a 
dried  mackerel  before  ever  he  insulted  any  woman ! 
No,  no,  little  one,  it  aren't  in  him,  and  it  couldn't  be 
did,  nohow ! " 

44  And  you  made  me  break  the  window! "  sobbed  the 
girl ;  44  and  it'll  take  my  whole  week's  wages  to  pay 
for  it,  ter-hooh  !  ter-hooh  !  " 

44 No,  I  guess  not;  not  yet;  not  ef  I  know  myself; 
danged  ef  it  do!"  said  the  gentleman,  who  had  desig- 


A   MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  25 

nated  himself  in  a  proud  tone  of  voice  as  "  old  Junius 
Oldbiegh,"  and  he  slipped  a  twent}'  dollar  piece  in  the 
girl's  hand.  "  So  stop  you?  slobbering,  now,"  said  he. 

The  girl  looked  at  it.  "  Oh !  that's  too  much," 
said  she. 

"  Too  much  !  What  a  critter  it  are  !  "  said  the  gen. 
tleman.  "Look  a-here,  young  lady;  look  at  me;  do 
you  know  what  I  am?  I'm  a  wealthy  snob.  I've 
struck  it  rich.  I'm  worth  a  solid  million  ;  and  I'm  as 
big  a  snob  for  money  as  a  monopolist !  Haw !  haw ! 
Funny,  aren't  it?  I'm  just  like  a  twin  brother  to  a 
bonanza  king,  since  I've  struck  it  rich,  and  I  s'pose 
I'll  have  to  have  a  residence  on  Nob  Hill,  and  be  a 
snob.  But  the  widdyers  is  already  arter  it  like  a  thou 
sand  of  wolves ;  thick  and  thin ;  a  fightin',  and  a 
scratching  and  a  screamin'  for  it;  just  a  tusslin'  and 
crowdin'  in  arter  me !  The  way  they're  arter  me  is 
astonishin' ;  haw !  haw  !  What  a  way  they  must  love 
me !  One  especially !  One  very  perticklerly !  he ! 
he!" 

The  girl  stared  at  him  in  astonishment,  wondering 
whether  he  was  what  he  represented  himself  to  be,  or 
whether  he  was  mad  and  an  escaped  lunatic. 

"  Where'd  you  get  your  money?"  she  asked. 

"  I'm  a  miner,  and  I've  been  diggin'  away  at  my 
mine  for  fifteen  years  and  it's  panned  out  big  at  last, 
and  I've  come  to  town  to  be  a  snob !"  said  he,  his 
face  beaming  with  smiles.  "  Don't  I  look  as  if  I  might 
make  a  first-rate  snob?" 

"  Well,"  said  the  girl,  "if  that's  true,  you  better 
leave  this  house  at  once." 


26  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

"Why?"  asked  the  miner. 

"  Because,"  said  the  girl,  "  it's  filled  full  of  thieves ! " 

;<  Thieves  !  haw  !  haw  !  "  roared  the  jolly  gentleman, 
as  he  ran  an  arm  into  each  of  the  deep  pockets  of  his 
coat,  and  pulled  out  of  one  a  bowie-knife  and  out  of 
the  other  a  pistol.  "  See  them  ?  "  said  he.  "  Gaze  at 
them !  Aren't  they  beauties  ?  I  call  the  knife  the 
4  thief's  inveterate  disgust,'  and  this  here  pistol  has 
a  powder  in  it  that  kills  thieves  off.  They  can't  stand 
the  smell  of  it!" 

"The  kind  of  thieves  you've  got  to  look  out  for," 
said  the  girl,  "have  to  be  fought  with  something  be 
sides  weapons  like  them.  You  better  go  to  a  first- 
class  hotel." 

"  What's  this  ?  Ain't  this  an  A  No.  1,  first-class, 
bang-up  place  to  stop  at?" 

"  What !  this  old  rattle-trap  ?  "  said  the  girl,  with  a 
smile.  "  No,  it  ain't." 

"Don't  the  nobs  put  up  here?  Don't  the  mining 
sharps  and  the  corporation  nobs  put  up  at  this  she 
bang?" 

"  No,  they  don't,"  said  the  girl,  with  something  of 
sauciness  in  her  tone. 

"  Well,  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  !  I've  been  took  in 
by  that  queer  chap  with  the  yallar  head ;  haw !  haw ! 
He's  as  bad — as  bad  as  the  widdyer  what  writ  me  the 
note — only  she  ain't  took  me  in  yet.  Not  by  a  jugfull, 
haw !  haw ! "  and  Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh  broke  into  an 
intense  fit  of  laughter,  which  was  so  violent  at  inter 
vals  that  nothing  was  heard  but  a  rumbling  sound 
under  his  great  white  damask  vest  like  the  sound  which 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  27 

sometimes  goes  before  an  earthquake,  while  the  tears 
came  from  his  jolly  blue  eyes  and  coursed  rapidly 
down  his  nose.  After  he  had  partially  recovered  him 
self,  he  poked  the  girl  playfully  in  the  ribs  with  his 
great  forefinger,  while  he  inquired : 

"Are  you  a  widdyer?  A  reg'lar  two-forty  widdyer  ?" 
"  Go  'way,  you  ugly  old  brute  !  "  said  the  chamber 
maid,  with  a  smile,  who,  by  the  way,  was  quite  a 
pretty  chambermaid,  with  her  blonde  hair,  her  muscu 
lar  arms  and  her  rosy  cheeks — dressed,  as  she  was,  in 
her  loose  brown  dress,  her  pretty  feet  peeping  out  from 
the  unbuttoned  shoes,  with  their  red  tassels  on  them. 
"  How  did  you  happen  to  get  into  this  house  ?  "  asked 
the  girl. 

"Well,  little  one,"  said  her  companion,  "you  see  it 
was  just  like  this.  I  was  walkin'  away  from  the  train 
on  which  I'd  come  to  the  city,  with  my  blankets  over 
my  shoulder  and  a  luggin'  away  at  my  verlise,  when 
suddenly,  before  I  know'd  it,  my  verlise  was  out  of  my 
hand,  and  as  queer  a  lookin'  specimen  as  you  ever  see 
walkin'  off  with  it,  as  though  I'd  made  him  a  present 
of  it.  I  let  out  one  long  whistle,  and  then  I  called  to 
him,  '  Look-e  here,  my  son  ! '  says  I.  He  says  nothin' 
but  walked  right  along  about  four  foot  ahead  of  me, 
as  stiff  as  a  ghost  which  had  been  insulted  by  some 
body  or  other,  I  kept  tuggin'  arter  him  with  my 
blankets,  and  then  I  sung  out  to  him  again.  The 
critter  commenced  whistlin'  'Yankee  Doodle'  just 
like  a  fife  between  his  teeth,  but  he  never  looked 
round  and  kept  on  whistlin'  'Yankee  Doodle'  and 
walkin'  ahead  of  me  stiff  as  a  musical  ghost.  4  Well ! ' 


28  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  HIDE. 

thinks  I,  gettin'  mad,  4ef  Ms  is  the  way  they  do  busi 
ness  in  the  city  now-a-days,  it  just  beats  me,  darned  ef 
it  don't ;  I'll  make  a  revolution,'  thinks  I,  so  I  dropped 
my  blankets,  and  the  way  I  grabbed  the  young  man 
by  the  back  of  the  neck  was  astonishin',  and  I  was 
just  about  to  roll  him  in  the  mud  at  the  edge  of  the 
sidewalk  and  give  him  a  mud  shower-bath,  when  he 
stopped  whistlin'  and  he  says,  says  he,  '  My  friend,  go 
— slow.  Don't  waste — your  energies.  It's  all  right; 
don't  fret  yourself  into  a — rage.  I'm  your  friend  and 
know'd  you  when  you  saved  the  gal's  life  by  a  heroic 
effort,  at  the  fire  in  Virgin ny  City,  and  dragged  her  by 
the  hair  of  the  head  forty  feet  through  the — wild,  roar 
ing  flames!  It's  all  right — in  the  spring,'  says  he,  wink- 
in'  at  me  with  his  left  eye.  '  I've  been  a  miner,  too,  old 
pard,'  says  he,  '  and  who  ever  heard  of  one  'miner  going 
back  on — another?  No  man.  A  course  they  ain't; 
and  if  any  fellow  says  he  ever  heard  of  such  a  thing, 
just  let  me  know,  and  I'll  polish  his  mug,  black  his 
eyes,  bloody  his  nose  and  knock  him  clean — out  of 
time.  But,'  says  this  young  feller,  what  was  luggin' 
my  verlise,  'joking  aside,'  says  he,  'the  man  what  rode 
down  in  the  same  seat  with  you  aboard  the  cars,  he  says 
to  me  he  wanted  me  to  look  out  arter  you  and  take  you 
to — the  best  hotel  in  town ;  and  bein'  a  runner  for 
hotels,  I'm  agoin'  to  do  it.'  I  never  was  in  Virginny 
City  arter  all ;  so  when  he  spoke  about  Virginny  City 
I  know'd  he  was  lyin' ;  but  the  man  what  rode  on  the 
car  with  me  did  say  he'd  look  out  for  me,  and  that 
made  me  think  he  was  tellin'  the  truth,  and  had  only 
throw'd  in  the  Virginny  City  business  as  an  extra; 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  29 

and  what  he  said  about  miners  sort  of  made  me  unsus 
picious  ;  so  when  he  said  he'd  take  me  to  the  most  smash- 
in',  bang-up  hotel  in  town,  I  thought  it  was  all  right. 
Another  thing  that  made  me  think  it  was  all  right  was 
this.  I  ain't  been  in  town  for  seventeen  year, — yes, 
and  more,  little  one,  and  have  lived  in  the  mines  all 
that  time,  and  the  mines  are  sort  of  rough,  you  know ; 
and  this  is  the  biggest  house  I've  seen  for  many  a  year, 
though  I  s'pose  from  what  you  say  ther'  are  bigger 
ones.  Besides,  everything  looks  kinder  changed  to 
me  ;  especially  to  see  such  a  lot  of  women.  The  place 
is  thick  with  'em.  Petticoats  by  the  thousands  scoot 
ing  about  in  all  directions.  Besides  this,  when  I' was 
cuttin'  tobacco  for  my  pipe  yesterday,  into  a  news 
paper,  I  asked  a  little  fellow,  who  was  sittin'  alongside 
of  me,  what  people  was  stoppin'  at  the  hotel,  and  he 
took  his  pipe  from  between  his  teeth  and  he  says,  says 
he,  '  Flood  and  O'Brine  what  owns  all  the  mines,  and 
Stanford  and  Crocker  what  owns  the  railroads,  and 
Sharon,'  says  he,  '  what  owns  the  hotels.'  So  you  see, 
little  one,  I  thought  it  was  all  right.  Well,  I  see  you 
want  to  go  on  with  your  work,  so  I'll  go  down  to  the 
office  and  see  if  I've  got  any  more  letters." 

In  a  moment  the  broad  back  of  Junius  Oldbiegh 
was  seen  descending  the  stairway,  and  his  heavy  boots 
made  his  steps  sound  loudly  as  they  came  down  one 
after  another  on  the  brass  plates  that  covered  the  steps 
of  the  stairway. 

With  a  heavy,  rolling  walk,  with  which  the  large 
ness  of  the  calves  of  his  legs  seemed  to  be  in  some 
manner  connected,  for  they  almost  touched  when  he 


30  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

was  standing  still,  he  strode  up  through  the  gate  that 
opened  .into  the  place  where  the  clerk  of  the  hotel 
stood.  The  clerk  was  standing  in  front  of  a  black 
board  on  the  wall,  from  innumerable  nails  in  which 
hung  brass  keys.  The  old  miner  came  up  behind  him 
and  gave  him  such  a  slap  on  the  back  that  the  little 
clerk's  pen  dropped  from  behind  his  ear  to  the  floor, 
while  a  cloud  of  dust  came  out  of  his  gray  woollen 
coat.  The  clerk,  whose  shoulder  was  aching  with 
pain,  turned  around  savagely,  with  the  remark,  "  Who 
the  deuce  authorized  you  to  come  inside  of  this  rail- 
ing?" 

"  That's  all  right,  my  son,"  said  the  miner,  with  an 
extremely  benevolent  smile.  "  Ef  you'll  look  on  your 
bouks  you'll  find  my  board  bill  is  paid  up  to  date. 
Look  for  Junius  Oldbiegh — that  ar's  my  handle.  So 
I  guess  I'm  one  of  the  privileged  characters  in  this 
yer  house." 

"  I'll  show  you  pretty  quick,"  said  the  little  clerk, 
snarling  under  his  blonde  moustache.  "  Get  out  of 
here,  and  be  lively  about  it;  do  you  hear?" 

"Saw,  boss!  saw,  boss!"  said  Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh, 
as  he  stroked  the  back  of  the  clerk,  and  spoke  in  that1 
soothing  tone  of  voice  which  is  so  often  used  to  drive 
away  the  angry  passions  of  an  angry  milch  co\v. 
"  Saw,  boss  I "  said  the  old  fellow,  grinning  good- 
humoredly,  "  that  ain't  the  way  to  talk  to  old  Juny- 
ers !  " 

"  Get  out  of  here  !  "  said  the  irate  clerk,  seizing  a 
pistol  from  under  the  counter,  which  he  had  no  sooner 
touched  than  the  old  miner  had  grasped  both  of  his 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  31 

arras  from  behind,  while  he  held  him  so  firmly  that  no 
use  could  be  made  of  his  pistol  by  the  clerk. 

"  Now,"  said  the  person  who  bore  the  name  of  Old- 
biegh  with  such  apparent  pleasure  to  himself,  "this  is 
no  jokin'  matter,  so  don't  make  a  fool  of  yourself,  for 
I'm  not  the  man  to  be  fooled  with !  If  I  hurt  you,  I 
didn't  mean  it !  Thar,  now,  ain't  that  fair  enough  ?  " 

u  Well,"  said  the  clerk,  "  seeing  you've  apologized, 
I'm  willing- to  let  up  on  you;  but  if  you  hadn't  apolo 
gized,  I  was  so  fearful  mad,  I'd  blow'd  a  hole  through 
you ! " 

"  Come,  boys,"  said  the  miner  to  the  crowd  which 
had  gathered  around  the  scene,  "  come  up  and  drink 
the  health  of  Mr.  German." 

"  Jarmyn,"  said  the  clerk,  sharply. 

"  Jarmyn,"  said  the  gentleman  with  the  white  vest. 
"  Put  it  thar',  Jarmyn,"  said  he  extending  his  hand  as 
they  walked  up  to  the  bar.  "  Shake  on  it,  Jarmyn ; 
for,  as  ther'  warn't  nothiii'  meant,  no  harm's  done's 
the  way  I  put  it  up." 

Quite  a  crowd  of  curious  figures  and  curious  faces 
were  reflected  in  the  mirror  behind  the  bar ;  and  it 
was  a  beautiful  sight  to  perceive  the  dignity  and  ease 
with  which  these  many  persons  clinked  their  glasses, 
as  the  jolly  miner  asked  the  all-enthralling  question 
"all  set?"  in  a  gruff  voice;  and  then  it  was  quite 
astonishing  to  note  the  grace  with  which  these  gentle 
men  in  perfect  time  performed  the  difficult  feat  of  rais 
ing  their  glasses  in  the  air,  holding  them  all  in  the  air 
long  enough  to  gaze  a  moment  with  one  eye  at  the 
yellow  liquid,  the  other  being  closed,  when  their  arms 


32  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

in  unison  brought  the  glasses  to  their  lips,  when  all, 
together,  with  one  swallow,  in  perfect  unison,  at  the 
same  moment  that  their  "  Adam's  apples "  rose  and 
fell,  cast  the  liquid  down  their  throats,  and  immedi 
ately  afterwards  it  was  discovered  that  the  glasses 
were  empty!  It  was  a  sight  worthy  of  the  paint,  oils 
and  crayons  of  an  artist.  And  to  a  benevolent  and 
philosophical  mind,  it  was  quite  pleasing  to  see  the  good 
humor  that  immediately  spread  over  the  countenances 
of  the  persons  there  present.  For  the  time  being  they 
were  indeed  made  happy.  And  to  such  a  mind  it 
would  have  been  quite  delightful  to  notice  the  fact 
that  what  at  one  time  appeared  to  be  the  opening  of  a 
dangerous  quarrel  had  thus  terminated  in  perfect  peace 
and  good  feeling. 

In  the  course  of  time  the  little  clerk  became  ex 
tremely  friendly,  indeed,  and  came  up  to  Mr.  Junius 
Oldbiegh,  who  was  now  sitting  in  one  of  those  heavy 
arm-chairs,  so  often  seen  in  third-class  hotels,  which 
are  held  together  by  twisted  wires  to  prevent  them 
from  coming  to  pieces,  when  the  guests  tilt  them  back 
on  their  hind  legs,  while  sitting  in  them,  as  Mr.  Junius 
Oldbiegh  was  himself  doing  when  the  clerk  came  up 
to  him. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  broad  smile  on  his  sunburnt 
features — a  smile  which  wrinkled  up  his  features  be 
neath  his  side  chops,  and  almost  reached  his  ears  on 
either  side  of  his  face,  was  reading  a  letter. 

"  What's  set  you  off?"  asked  the  clerk. 

"  I've  been  a  readin'  this  here  letter  from  a  widdyer, 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  33 

and  I've  been  tryin'  to  make  out  whether  I'd  ought  to 
answer  it  or  not,  she  bein'  a  widdyer." 

"  Let  me  see  it,"  said  the  clerk. 

"  No  yer  don't !  "  said  the  other,  with  a  leer  on  his 
countenance,  while  he  poked  the  clerk  between  the 
ribs  with  his  thumb,  a  movement  which  seemed  to  be 
a  favorite  one  with  him. 

"  A  widder,"  said  the  clerk,  playfully  touching  him 
in  the  ribs  in  return,  for  the  clerk  had  since  drinking 
his  cocktail  become  very  familiar  and  very  friendly. 
"  What's  she  up  to  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  Well,  that's  just  what  I'm  arter  tryin'  to  make  out. 
In  the  first  place,  she  says  she's  willin'  to  be  my  house 
keeper;  and  she  says  I  must  write  an  immediate 
answer  to  let  her  know  whether  to  call  on  me.  What's 
yer  judgment  on  it?" 

"  Write  her  to  call  on  you,  of  course." 

"  Do  you  think  so  ? "  said  the  other,  opening  his 
great  blue  eyes  in  wonder. 

"  Of  course,"  said  the  clerk,  "  it's  chivalry  to  do  it." 

"  It's  chivalry,"  said  the  other,  pondering  for  a 
moment,  not  knowing  exactly  what  the  term  meant, 
but  believing  from  the  tone  of  voice  of  the  clerk  that 
it  was  the  proper  thing.  "  Waal,  sir,"  said  he,  "  that's 
what  I  am  ;  I'm  chivalry  from  the  socks  up.  Have 
you  got  a  piece  of  paper  and  a  pen  what  you'd  be 
willin'  to  loan?" 

The  clerk  brought  him  several  pieces  of  paper,  a 
pen  and  ink,  and  placed  them  on  a  green  covered 
table  near  a  window  for  him.  After  drawing  his  chair 
backwards  and  forwards  a  few  times,  Junius  Oldbiegh 


-r     34  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

attempted  to  answer  the  letter,  but  could  not  make  up 
his  mind  how  to  commence.  After  scratching  his  head 
and  going  through  other  curious  performances,  to  get 
up  enthusiasm,  he  tilted  his  chair  back,  put  his  heavy 
boots  on  the  top  of  the  table,  took  out  his  pipe  and 
lighted  it,  puffed  rapidly  several  times,  and  re-read  the 
letter,  of  which  the  following  is  a  copy  : 

"SAN  FRANCISCO,  BERMINGHAM  HOUSE,  ) 
R.  34,  (left  entrance.)  ) 

"MR.  JUNYERS  HALBY. — Deer  Sur:  How  shall  I 
cummens!  Say?  How  shall  I?  Sens  I  see  you  fust 
(yisterday  7  a.  m.  three  minits  more  or  less),  when  I 
see  you  a  gazin'  out  off  the  winder  off  the  room  were 
I  suppos'  you  sleep,  I  was  tuk  all  off  a  heap  at  fust 
sight,  and  my  harte  went  ker-flipperty-flip,  ker-flipperty- 
flop,  all  fer  you.  I  see  yer  round  fais  as  if  though  it 
would  never  stop  smilin'  and  nothin'  couldn't  stop  it 
fer  nothin' — never  !  Wen  I  see  you  I  was  tuk  of  such 
a  heap  in  my  harte  !  It  was  feelins  of  delite  wen  I  see 
your  red  fais  and  round  head,  a  smilin'  all  over !  Then 
I  asked  a  dirty-faced  boy  wot  was  passin'  who  you  be, 
an'  he  said  you  was  Jay  Guled.  Then  I  learned,  you 
need  not  ask  me  'ow,  you  was  a  miner  with  a  tremen- 
dyous  bag  off  gold  dust  and  a  mind  !  So  I  said  to  my- 
selve,  I  did,  did  I,  he'll  want  a  housekeeper,  and  miners 
like  widders,  which  I  am,  I  says,  says  I,  and  I  says,  says 
I,  people  does  say  I'm  young  and  very  harnsome,  and 
if  there's  anything  what  miners  does  like,  it's  harn- 
someness  in  a  woman,  I  says,  says  I,  which  I  be.  And, 
says  I,  my  landlord  wants  to  get  my  rent,  but  he  don't 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  35 

get  a  postage  stamp,  says  I,  (but  that  ain't  no  matter, 
as  blood  don't  come  from  turnups),  and  I  says  every 
rich  mining  man  has  a  housekeeper  !  Be  you  married? 
It  don't  make  no  hods ;  it's  so  with  them.  Anser  awful 
quick.  I'm  perspiring  dreadfully  for  an  anser. 

"  Yours  affectionately,      KATE  BRUMLIN." 

After  reading  this  note  through  for  the  tenth  time, 
Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh  gazed  sadly  at  a  spider  crawling 
down  a  web  from  the  white  painted  boards  of  the  ceil 
ing  to  the  blue  and  red  fly-specked  tissue  paper  that 
hung  around  the  gas-burner  in  the  centre  of  the  room, 
and  then  a  sweet  smile  crept  over  his  features,  for  an 
idea  filled  with  encouragement  had  struck  him.  He 
would  take  a  drink  first,  and  then  proceed.  He  sung 
out  to  the  barkeeper,  who  was  standing  by  the  window 
with  his  hands  beneath  his  white  apron,  gazing  with 
intense  delight  out  upon  the  street  at  a  white  boy  and 
a  China  boy  who  were  engaged  in  the  unprofitable 
occupation  of  punching  each  other's  heads;  he  sung 
out  to  this  person  to  bring  him  a  -whiskey  straight. 
u  That'll  make  the  ideas  flow  like  a  man  with  a  bull 
arter  him,"  said  he  to  himself.  "  That'll  bring  urn,  or 
I'll  eat  my  hat  whole ! "  But  the  rumbling  of  the 
wagons  over  the  street  and  the  intense  interest  with 
which  the  barkeeper  watched  the  fight  prevented  him 
from  being  heard. 

"  Billy  !  "  said  a  voice  behind  him,  "  bring  the  gen 
tleman  what — he  calls  for.  Billy — you  monkey — don't 
you — hear?  Bring  it — quick,  strong  and  plenty  of 
it!" 

On  looking  up,  with  an  expression  of  astonishment, 


36  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

Mr.  Oldbeigh  saw  the  man  who  had  carried  his 
valise. 

"  Haw  !  haw  ! "  he  roared.  "  Hello,  my  son  !  is  that 
you?" 

"  Part  of  me,"  said  the  young  man,  in  a  rapid  tone, 
with  a  wink.  "  It  looks  just  like  me  ; — don't  it?  Don't 
tell  anybody — I  said  so,  will  you  ?  Ever  see  anything 
more  natural — to  life  ?  Give  us  yer  fin,  Roxy.  You 
look  like  yourself,  too, — very  much.  Strange,  ain't  it?" 

The  gentleman  addressed  as  Roxy,  beaming  with 
smiles,  arose  and  shook  the  young  man's  hand  heartily 
in  his  rough  grasp. 

"  Say  !  "  said  the  young  man ;  "  hold  up,  when  you've 
shook  my  arm  out  of  the — socket ;  save  the — pieces  ; 
for  I  consider  them  of  great — value.  Bring  enough  for 
two,  Billy,"  said  he  to  the  barkeeper,  who  was  passing. 
"  I  drink,"  said  he,  to  his  companion,  "  though  you'd 
never — think  it!  I  know  I  look  like  a  young — minister  I 
I  can't  help  it.  My  pa  brought  me  up  so,  and  it's  too 
late — to  change  !  " 

He  drew  a  chair  close  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  sat  down 
with  an  impertinent  look  on  his  face  which  greatly 
amused  the  other. 

"  Say ! "  said  the  stout  gentleman  in  the  white  waist 
coat,  "what  air  you,  anyhow?" 

"Me?"  said  the  other,  "I've  been — everything — 
even  a  married  man." 

"  Are  you  married,  arter  all  ?  "  asked  his  companion. 

"  Just  got  done  with  my — third  wife.  I  married  her 
when  I  was  quite  a — child.  I  loved  her.  Intense  bliss 
— my  soul  full  of  poetry!  Overflowing  in  my — ardor. 
She — ten  years  older  than  me.  What  a  fairy  creachuw 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  37 

she — seemed !  Oh  !  dear !  my  fond  heart  sit — still !  I 
walked  the  streets  like  a  maniac  when  she  was  cruel — 
wept  with  delight  when  she  would  be  kind.  A  long- 
legged  parson  for  a  fiver  joined  us  for  better  and — an 
awful  sight  worse !  Think  of  it !  For  life !  I  took 
her  home,  and  while  joining  our  lips  in  a  moment  of  in 
tense  bliss,  her  teeth — fell  out !  It  took  me  quite  by  sur 
prise — but  I  stood  the  shock,  picked  them  up,  and,  with 
a  sweet  smile,  handed  them  to  her.  Tried  it  again. 
Another  kiss — more  bliss — her  hair  fell  off — a  bald  nob 
was  left.  Taken  by  surprise  again — survived  the  shock. 
I  was  passionate — those  days  !  Another  kiss.  Intense 
bliss!  Two  pads  fell  out  of  her  bosom.  Taken  by 
surprise  again.  Quite  so.  I  expostulated  and  told  her 
to  quit  that  sort  of  thing.  I  was  furious,  but  mastered 
my  fury,  for  I  had  taken  her — for  life.  I  was  young 
and  passionate — those  days.  Tried  to  kiss  her  again — 
but  she  wouldn't  let  me !  Think  of  it !  I  was  furi 
ous.  'Old  girl,'  said  I,  'this  has  gone — too  far.  I 
thought  I  married  you  ?  It  seems  not.  I  have  mar 
ried — a  blonde  wig,  a  set  of  false  teeth  and  two  pads — 
what  else,  I  cannot  tell !  I  have  taken  them  for  better 
or  worse,  'till  they  are  parted  from  me — by  death. 
Need  I  tell  you  I  escaped — got  a  divorce  and  went — 
west." 

"  Give  us  your  fin,"  said  his  jolly  companion,  as 
soon  as  he  could  overcome  the  rumbling  sounds  beneath 
his  vest.  "  Hand  me  your  paw;  I  like  your  style." 

"  And  /  like — yours,"  said  the  young  man,  as  he 
shook  his  hand  heartily.  "  I'm  glad  it's — mutual." 

The  speaker  was  a  man  about  twenty-four  years  of 


38  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

age,  and  was  dressed  in  what  appeared  to  be  a  green 
velvet  jacket,  and  in  pantaloons  with  yellow  stripes 
which  ran  down  the  legs.  Hanging  from  his  vest  was 
a  long  brass  chain  which  ran  to  the  lower  pockets  in 
either  side  of  the  vest.  His  shoes  were  rough  and 
mi  blacked.  His  face,  which  was  smooth-shaved,  was 
so  covered  with  freckles  that  his  skin  almost  seemed 
yellow.  His  eyes,  which  were  clear  and  bright,  were 
of  a  light  blue  color,  very  similar  to  that  of  his  large 
companion,  but  they  were  not  as  large  as  those  of  the 
other.  His  forehead  was  high,  and  his  hair,  which  was 
light  red,  was  as  closely  shingled  as  the  hair  on  the 
head  of  a  convict.  On  the  table  was  lying  his  stiff, 
round  hat,  the  front  rim  of  which  was  broken,  and  for 
this  reason  he  always  wore  it  hind  part  before.  On 
this  hat  was  a  band,  and  on  this  band  in  gilt  letters, 
"  Golden  Chariot,"  the  name  of  the  hotel. 

The  barkeeper  now  placed  two  glasses  on  the  table, 
one  of  which  was  composed  of  steaming  hot  Scotch. 
Noticing  the  fact  that  the  miner  looked  at  it  inquir 
ingly,  the  red-headed  young  man  said :  "  My  drink — 
did  I  say — whisky?  Billy  knows — better.  I  take  it 
always,  though  it's  against  my  principles — to  drink." 

"You  say  you've  been  married,"  said  the  other, 
handing  his  letter  to  the  young  man.  "  There's  some 
thing  wrote  to  a  friend  of  mine  what'll  puzzle  a  mar 
ried  man,  I  think,"  and  he  began  to  puff  his  pipe  as  if 
there  could  be  no  doubt  on  the  subject. 

The  young  man  threw  his  heels  upon  the  table, 
tilted  his  black  chair  back  and  read  the  letter.  After 
reading  the  letter  he  said  :  '•  Say!  shall  I  tell  you?" 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  39 

"What?"  said  the  other,  as  his  large  blue  eyes 
beamed  with  good  humor. 

"  That  friend  of  yours  isn't — good  company  for  you. 
If  you  run  with  him  you'll  be  corrupted,  sure.  He — 
he's — a  sly  dog.  Take  an  old  man's  advice — drop  him." 

The  rumbling  beneath  the  spacious  waistcoat  com 
menced  again.  "But  he  wants  me  to  answer  it  fur 
him,  and,"  said  he,  scratching  his  head,  "  I'm  darned  ef 
I  know  how  to  begin.  I'll  swar  I  can't  git  her  goin' 
nohow." 

"  Easy,  easy,"  said  the  young  man.  "  Take  a — 
drink — so.  Ah !  my  glass  is — empty." 

"  Let's  go  and  get  a  drink,"  said  the  other. 

'•  Just  call — Billy;  Billy  will  come — willingly.  Take 
your  pen — so.  Take  your  paper — so.  San  Francisco 
— write  it  down." 

"  How'd  'Frisco  do?"  said  the  other.  "It  sounds 
more  like  old  times,"  said  he,  taking  his  pipe  from  his 
mouth. 

"  It's  more  poetical,"  said  the  young  man,  and 
proves  you're — young.  Slap  her  down  'Frisco.  Is  this 
the  9th  ?  Say,  Billy,  is  this  the  9th  ?  So  it  is.  Down 
she — goes.  Catalina,  my  darling  !  How's  that?" 

" 'Twon't  do;  never  do,"  said  the  other;  "it's  too 
familiar  for  a  man  who's  come  to  town  for  awhile  to 
see  the  sights  and  be  a  snob,  a  reglar  snob !  haw ! 
haw!" 

His  companion  looked  at  him  curiously.  "  Ah  !  I  see 
your — go.  Afraid  to  be — bled;  go  slow;  quite  right, 
and  I  admire  you  for  it.  Just  like — me.  I  rode  to  the 
wedding  of  my  second  wife  on  the  outside  of  a — hearse. 


40  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

I  borrowed  it  from  a  friend  for  the  auspicious — occa 
sion.  It  chimed  in  beautifully  with  my  natural — mel 
ancholy.  How's  this?  4  Madam,  your  letter  received.'" 

"That's  the  ticket,"  said  the  other;  "you've  started 
the  wheels  agoin'  and  my  ideas  is  runnin'  now.  Give 
me  the  pen  and  let  me  plank  down  my  thoughts." 

He  took  the  pen  between  his  great  rough  fingers, 
and  with  his  mouth  open  and  his  eyes  staring  fixedly 
at  the  paper,  wrote  slowly,  his  pen  sticking  often  in 
the  paper  and  spattering  the  ink  before  it,  as  follows : 

"  MADAM  :  Your  letter  received,  in  which  you  says 
you  are  a  widd}7er,  to  keep  me,  while  you  are  my 
housekeeper.  No,  you  don't !  I  aren't  got  no  house, 
mum,  for  you  to  keep,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  for  I  always 
like  to  oblige  any  lady  wotsoever.  I'm  an  old  Batch, 
Love,  what  is  in  a  city  for  the  fust  time  in  sixtean 
year,  and  I'm  as  rough  as  a  Grizzly  Bar;  and  I'd 
frighten  any  widdyer  to  death  all  in  no  time  at  all ! 

"You  say  when  you  fust  see  me  your  harte  went 
flipperty-flop  and  you  was  took  all  of  a  heap !  I'm 
very  sorry  to  have  been  the  disagreeable  cause  of  this 
here  and  would  advise  a  doctore." 

"How's  that?"  said  he,  turning  to  his  companion. 

"  Good.  Add  fresh  air.  Advise  sea-baths  and  the — 
mad  whirl  of  society.  That's  the  regular  cure.  I've 
tried  it.  When  the  sea  water  grew  cold,  too  cold  for 
me,  then  in  my  anguish  an  idea — struck  me.  I  put  salt 
in  the  bath-tub,  filled  her  full,  put  a  potatoe  in,  and 
when  it  swam  got  in  myself  with  the  potatoe — and 


A  MINER'S   EVENTFUL  RIDE.  41 

swam  too.     It  cured   me  completely — and  saved  me 
from  a  fourth  wife.     Fact,  I  assure  you." 

Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh  continued  his  letter  as  follows: 

"Next.  You  say  you  made  inquiries,  mum,  of  a 
dirty-faced  boy  and  other  people,  mum,  about  me, 
what  told  you  I  was  a  miner  with  a  tremenders  bag  of 
gold.  Yes,  mum,  it  was  correct.  Right  as  a  tricket. 
And  when  Pm  in  town,  I'm  goin'  to  get  the  latest 
style  of  clothes,  get  my  boots  polished,  wear  a  dandy 
hat,  hire  a  smash-up  kerridge  and  be  a  snob ! 

"  Next.  You  wish  to  know  am  I  married.  Not  a 
bit  on  it! — and  never  was;  and  a  pard  of  mine  once 
told  me  (he'd  been  to  town)  that  all  the  women  in  town 
was  in  secret  drivin'  at  a  two-forty  rate  to  catch  hus- 
berns !  This  I  throw  out  for  the  benefit  of  widdyers, 
though  I  would  not  say  a  word  to  be  unpolite  to 
any  woman,  not  I. 

"  Next.     You  desire  to  call  on  me.     My  anser  is — 

He  stopped.  "  What's  your  opinion?"  said  he,  turn 
ing  to  his  companion,  who  had  been  sitting  with  his 
head  thrown  back,  watching  the  pretty  chambermaid, 
who  was  polishing  the  brasses  on  the  stairway  which 
led  down  to  the  large  waiting-room;  and  he  had  been 
still  further  amusing  himself  by  smiling  at  her;  and 
when  he  was  unobserved  by  others,  by  throwing  kisses 
at  her ;  whereupon  she  would  glance  at  him  angrily, 
and  then  he  would  drive  this  anger  away  by  looking  at 
her  with  all  sorts  of  curious  and  ludicrous  expressions 
on  his  face,  which  made  her  smile,  in  spite  of  herself. 


42  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

At  the  moment  he  was  spoken  to,  lie  had  his  hat  on 
the  right  side  of  his  head,  the  rim  over  the  right  eye, 
while  with  a  very  solemn  expression  on  his  face,  he 
stared  at  her  with  his  left  eye  very  steadily.  This  in 
duced  her  to  look  at  him  sternly  for  a  moment,  when 
an  enchanting  smile  came  over  her  pretty  face,  which 
she  tried  to  conceal  by  turning  around  and  rubbing 
the  brass  plates  violently. 

"What's  that?"  said  the  young  man.  "Say  it 
again,  and  say  it — slow;  There's  plent}^  of — time.  Go 
it  now.  I'm  all  ready.-"  And  he  placed  himself,  with 
a  comical  expression  on  his  freckled  countenance,  in  a 
listening  attitude. 

"How'dyou  anser  about  lettin' her  come  to  see  me?" 

"Let  her  come.  Tell  her  so.  Be  a  chiv.  The 
deuce  take  the — consequences.  The  sweet  first,  the 
bitter  afterwards.  That's  me.  Things  turn  out — 
how?  You  can't  tell.  Never  as  you  expect  them — 
nothing  does.  And  a  man  of  brains — pshaw!  it's 
nothing — gets  out  of  all  difficulties." 

"Well,  marm,  you  may  come,  arter  all,"  he  added, 
and  signed  his  name,  Junius  Oldbiegh. 

"  Is  that  your  name  ?  "  said  the  young  man.  "  Why, 
I  know  you  like  the — book  of  Job.  My  father  was  a 
miner.  He  was — and  I  came  from  where  you  was 
once.  I'm  Tommy  Geseign,  sometimes  known  as  ragged 
Tom,  the — village  scamp.  I  could  be  seen  at  all  hours 
of  the  day  running  madly,  running  wild  through  the 
streets,  my  hair  sticking  through  a  hole  in  my  hat,  my 
shirt  sticking  through  a  rent  in  my  trowsers.  Myself, 
as  I  ran  whistling  innocently  between  two  side  teeth — • 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.      43 

a  patriotic  air.  Oh  !  how  I  suffah  when  I  recall  those 
innocent  days!  In  those  days  my  childish  lungs  softly 
drank  in  with  delight  the  cowslip's  sweet  breath,  the 
pansies'  and  daisies'— the  breath  of  the  wild  flowers. 
Ah !  how  I  robbed  the  nests  of  wild  birds ;  how  I 
fished  in  streams  of  silver.  How  I  loved  on  the  greeii 
banks — of  the  mountain'stream ;  and  when  I  kissed  her 
how  we — struggled !  How  she — scratched  !  Delightful 
days — enchanting  hours — moments  of  bliss  never  to 
return.  Dick  Bad,  the  boy  with  the  redwood  heart, 
was  my  chum,  and  silly  Tom,  the  ugly  fiend.  Those 
happy  days  ! — never  to  return  !  " 

His  companion  looked  at  him  earnestly  for  some 
moments,  and  then  as  his  round,  sunburnt  countenance 
broke  out  into  a  smile  of  recognition,  he  exclaimed : 

"Wy,  bless  my  heart.  It  are  Tom!  And  what  a 
mischevyous  young  devil  you  used  to  be !  What  a 
terror  you  was  for  robbin'  orchards!  I'd  a  thought 
you  was  in  the  state's  prison  long  ago.  Whar'  you 
been  all  the  time?" 

"Where?  How?"  said  the  other.  "I've  been 
everywhere — under  the  sun.  I  was  beaten  across  the 
Pacific  before  the  mast,  in  the  forecastle,  by  a  mate 
with  a  club  in  his  hand — disagreeable  !  The  forecastle 
smelled  like — a  fish-house.  Cockroaches,  big  as  horses, 
with  sarcastic  expressions  on  their  upper  lips.  The 
butter  walked  around  the  table  and  wore  a  hairy  mous 
tache.  The  sailors  ate  salt  junk  and  the  bugs  dined — 
on  the  sailors.  Queer?  Not  at  all.  I'll  bet  they  took 
the  sailors  for — salt  junk. 

"Back  again.    Was  cuffed  and  buffeted  by  this  cruel 


44  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

world.  Have  been  kicked  and  cuffed — ever  since.  I 
seem  to  have  been  born  for  a — foot-ball.  Quite  so. 
I've  been  darned — hungry.  Jaws  in  like  a  balloon  col 
lapsed  for  want  of  grub.  Grub !  grub !  how  sweet 
the  sound !  I  learned  how  to — starve.  I  know  how 
now,  so  it  comes — easy.  I've  seen  hard  times.  It 
teaches  a  man,  though,  an  awful  sight.  So  long,  old 
boy;  see  you  later,"  and  he  got  up  and  went  behind 
the  stairway. 

His  companion  did  not  notice  that  Becky,  for  that 
was  the  name  by  which  the  chambermaid  was  called, 
had  gone  behind  those  steps  but  a  moment  before.  He 
leaned  back  in  the  chair,  looked  abstractedly  at  the 
flies  on  the  ceiling,  after  which  he  sighed  heavily,  re 
marked,  "  What  a  critter  it  are  !  "  and  then  put  on  his 
broad-brimmed  hat,  went  to  the  office,  put  his  letter  in 
an  envelope  and  gave  it  to  the  clerk,  Mr.  Jarmyn,  who 
put  it  in  the  tin  mail-box  by  his  mahogany  desk.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  looked  at  the  octagonal-shaped  clock  hang 
ing  over  the  green  office  safe.  It  was  half-past  eleven. 
He  walked  down  the  broad  stairway  to  Kearney  street. 
It  had  been  many  years  since  he  had  been  in  'Frisco, 
and  everything  seemed  new  to  him.  A  mine  upon 
which  he  had  worked  a  number  of  years  had  proved  to 
be  very  rich;  and  after  selling  out  a  part  interest  in  it, 
he  had  concluded  to  return  once  more  to  city  life  for 
awhile. 

He  was  dressed  in  the  best  clothes  he  had,  but  he 
concluded  that  while  in  the  city  the  thing  to  do  was  to 
dress  in  the  best  of  fashion.  There  was  a  large  store 
not  far  from  the  Bella  Union  Theatre.  Hanging  in 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  45 

front  of  this  store,  swaying  in  the  wind,  were  a  num 
ber  of  articles  of  men's  wearing  materials,  and  in  the 
show  windows,  on  either  side  of  the  doorway,  white 
and  red  shirts,  different  colored  calico  shirts,  colored 
socks  and  cravats.  And  on  wooden  and  wire  figures, 
in  front  of  the  show-windows,  and  on  the  sidewalk, 
were  men's  suits. 

While  he  was  standing  before  the  store,  gazing  with 
open  eyes  at  the  goods  displayed  in  front  of  him,  a 
little  man  with  a  bald  head  and  wiry  black  whiskers 
seized  Mr.  Oldbiegh  by  the  vest  and  started  to  drag 
him  into  the  store. 

"You  vant  a  soohd?  Veil,  I  haf  cot  a  soohd. 
Sblendid  materials,  foine  ardigles.  Ladest  sdyle.  Oh! 
so  foine !  So  foine  dey  vas !  Dey  mage  your  eyes 
vorter !  Dey  vas  sblendid,  sblendid  !  " 

The  great  broad-shouldered  miner  stood  perfectly 
still  and  glanced  down,  with  a  look  of  astonished 
amusement,  at  the  bald  head  of  the  little  creature 
below  him,  who,  while  he  continued  to  tug  at  his  vest, 
continued  to  praise  the  goods  in  a  mechanical  see-saw 
tone  of  voice.  The  other  waited  for  him  to  cease 
talking,  and  as  he  did  not,  he  inquired  good-humoredly, 
in  his  gruff  yoice : 

"  When  was  you  wound  up,  and  how  long  are  you 
going  to  run?" 

"  Vound  up,"  said  the  little  man,  looking  up.  "  A 
soohd,  a  be-youtiful  soohd — and  it  vas  sheap !  oh !  so 
,  sheap ! " 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "let  me  see  it;  but  I 
want  the  best  style,  the  very  latest." 


46  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

"  Of  goarse  you  do !  A  be-youtiful  shentlemans — I 
mean  a  beyoutiful  soohd !  A  foine  and  'a  handsome 
shentlemans !  You  vant  the  very  ladest,  and  from 
New  York;  and  I'fe  got  it — lader  than  any  other  house 
in  down." 

He  led  the  way  into  the  back  part  of  the  store,  where 
a  gas  jet  was  burning  over  a  counter  covered  with 
clothes. 

"  That  ish  ferry  pad  goods,"  said  the  merchant,  feel 
ing  the  quality  of  the  long-tailed  brown  coat  which 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  wore.  "Such  goods  I  would  not  haf 
in  my  store!  Oh!  no!  no!  I  nefar  woohd ! — and 
the  pockets  are  too  big  !  Dry  dem  on  !  "  said  he,  hold 
ing  out  a  pair  of  pantaloons.  "  Stand  pehind  the 
gounder  and  put  dum  on  by  der  gaz-light — you  will 
find  dum  zo  nize  !  zo  nize  !  " 

Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh  did  his  best  to  get  his  large 
boots  into  the  leg  of  the  pantaloons,  while  the  mer 
chant  gazed  abstractedly  toward  the  street  door;  but 
it  was  impossible,  and  at  last  the  pants  were  heard 
to  rip. 

"  Dake  dum  oud !  Dake  dum  oud !  —  quick !  " 
shrieked  the  little  store-keeper,  in  an  agonized  tone  of 
voice,  as  he  hurried  around  behind  the  counter  just  in 
time  to  see  the  enormous  dust-covered  boot  coming 
out  of  the  pantaloons.  "  Cbotness  cracious  heafens  !  " 
said  the  little  man,  as  he  gazed  upon  the  boot  which 
was  about  half  as  tall  as  he  was  himself.  "  What  a 
poots !  what  a  poots ! "  said  he,  holding  up  his  hands 
with  horror.  "It  would  split  a  pants  of  sheet  iron  I 
Dake  dum  orf!" 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  47 

The  miner  took  off  his  boots  and  stood  in  his  bare 
feet  on  the  floor,  for  he  wore  no  socks.  The  yellow 
gaslight  fell  upon  his  feet  and  showed  them  to  be  quite 
dirty.  "What  a  dirty  feed!"  said  the  little  store 
keeper,  holding  up  his  hands  again.  "  Oh !  tear  me, 
they  will  spoil  my  beyoutiful  pands !  Pud  dum  on 
quick  !  pud  dum  on  quick  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  after  a  great  deal  of  labor,  succeeded 
in  getting  on  the  pants,  which  fitted  him  like  gloves, 
except  at  the  bottom,  where  the  legs  of  the  pantaloons 
bulged  out  like  two  minute  lady's  dresses,  when  held 
out  by  hoops.  The  pantaloons  were  also  too  tight 
around  the  legs. 

"  Oh  !  dey  are  beyoutiful !  so  foine  !  and  dey  fit  you 
like  der  baper  on  der  vail !  So  foine !  Here  is  a 
prown  coad,  which  will  look  so  foine  with  dose  gray 
drowsers.  Pud  it  on !  pud  it  on !  Pud  on  der  fest 
first !  Now  der  coad  !  So  foine  !  so  foine  !  "  said  the 
little  man,  rubbing  the  coat  tenderly  with  his  hand. 
"  Beyoutiful !  and  fits  you  as  der  baper  on  der  vail ! " 
Vork  oud  and  see  in  the  glass.  See  how  foine  you 
look  in  der  ladest  sdyle.  Der  coad  was  so  foine  its 
makes  my  moud  vorter!  Dake  id  orf!  dake  id  orf! 
Dry  on  my  foine  shirds — ladest  sdyle." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  took  off  his  coat  and  vest  and  tried  on 
some  white  shirts,  which  the  little  merchant  held  up. 
As  soon  as  he  had  gotten  one  on,  over  his  flannel  shirt, 
he  gazed  upon  himself  in  the  mirror.  The  shirt  was 
ready  to  rip,  it  fit  him  so  tightly.  The  miner  turned 
his  back  to  the  mirror  and  looked  over  his  shoulder  to 
see  how  it  fit  him  behind.  The  tail  of  the  shirt  was  so 


48  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

short  that  in  bending  his  body  it  had  come  out  of  his 
pants. 

"  Look  here !  "  said  he  to  the  little  man,  "  this  shirt 
aren't  got  no  tail  to  it !  " 

"  No  dail !  no  dail !  "  shrieked  the  little  man ;  "  do 
you  want  a  chib  to  a  man-of-war?  Dot  vas  a  peyouti- 
ful,  peyoutiful  dail ! — So  foine  !  " 

"  It  aren't  no  more  than  three  inches  long,  nohow," 
said  the  other. 

"  Cootness  cracious  me  !  "  said  the  little  man.  "How 
long  do  you  vont  it,  dot  dail?  You  ton't  vont  it  to 
sweep  on  the  folore  !  You  ton'd  vont  it  to  hang  down 
under  your  heels  ?  You  ton'd  vont  a  dail  like  the  dail 
of  a  skoy  rarket  ?  No,  no,  no,  no !  Dot  dail  is  in 
sdyle.  For  der  ladest  sdyle  it  is  too  long.  One  inch 
is  vorn  now  by  der  President?  Der  ladest  sdyle,  so 
foine ! " 

After  inducing  his  customer  to  take  a  dozen  of  what 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  termed  "  biled  shirts,"  the  store-keeper 
brought  out  some  brown  silk  socks,  with  red  stripes 
running  down  either  side,  and  some  blue  socks  with 
yellow  stripes  running  around  them;  and  after  this 
some  patent  leather  shoes,  with  a  slick  black  surface 
and  very  large  steel  buckles  on  them,  were  sold  to  him. 
When  he  complained  that  the  shoes  were  too  small,  the 
store-keeper  rubbed  his  hands  with  glee :  "  No-o-o, 
no-o-o-o!"  said  he;  "der  sdyle  is  to  haf  dum  fid,  a 
good  dide  fid." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  completely  fitted  out  when  he  had 
put  on  a  high  collar,  which  seemed  ready  to  saw  his 
side- whiskers  off  whenever  he  moved  his  head;  and 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  49 

when  his  head  was  crowned  with  a  small  helmet  hat,  a 
round  hat  with  almost  no  brim,  while  surveying  him 
self  in  the  glass  and  while  a  smile  played  over  his  full 
cheeks  and  in  his  round  blue  eyes,  Mr.  Junius  Old- 
biegh  broke  out  in  a  soliloquy  of  which  the  following 
is  a  verbatim  statement : 

"  Thar'  yer  be,  haw  !  haw  !  Well,  I'll  be  darned  ef 
I'd  a  know'd  yer  ef  I'd  met  yer  on  the  street — darned 
ef  I  would !  And  how  them  skin-tight  pants  do  stand 
out  at  the  bottom,  like  as  ef  my  legs  was  stuck  through 
the  top  of  two  steeples,  haw  !  haw  !  All  in  the  latest 
style,  a  coverin'  my  shoes  clean  out  to  the  toes,  darned 
ef  they  don't;  and  then  that  thar'  coat,  with  its  leetle 
bob-tails  behind,  and  this  yer  hat  all  in  the  latest  style, 
does  fit  me  like  a  reg'lar  snob,  haw  !  haw  !  And  then 
this  yer  collar,  a  sawin'  my  years  clean  off!  Wy,  w'at 
a  snob  I  be ;  so  oncomfortable,  too,  like  any  othei 
snob,  haw  !  haw  !  Wy,  whar's  ther  pockets  ?  "  said  he, 
bending  up  his  elbows,  and  feeling  in  the  place  where 
he  thought  the  pockets  ought  to  be. 

"It  ain'd  der  sdyle  !  It  ain'd  der  sdyle  !  "  protested 
the  merchant,  as  he  rubbed  his  hands  with  glee. 

"Look-e  yer,  my  little  pard,"  said  the  other;  "for 
sixteen  year,  when  I  worn't  to  work,  I've  carried  my 
hands  in  my  pockets,  and  I've  grow'd  too  old  to  quit  a 
doin'  of  it !  " 

"Let  me  dell  yer!  let  me  dell  yer!"  said  the  store 
keeper  ;  "feel  in  der  hind  part  of  der  goat  I  feel  dere  ! 
teel  dere ! " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  felt  in  the  four-inch  tails  of  the  coat 
and  found  two  pockets.  "  Do  I  carry  my  hands  i.i) 
3 


50  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  EIDE. 

these  yer?"  he  inquired,  looking  sternly  at  the  little 
man  for  once. 

44  Of  goarse  you  do ! "  said  the  little  man,  smiling  an 
affirmative  smile,  "of  goarse  you  do!  So  foine  !  so 
foine  !  Say  ?  "  said  he,  suddenly,  "  will  you  sold  dose 
old  clothes?" 

"  Sartainly,"  said  the  other. 

"  Zay,  how  much?"  asked  the  storekeeper. 

"How'dfive  dollars  do?" 

"  Fife  thalers  !  fife  thalers  !  A  man  must  li-i-i-ve  ! 
A  man  must  li-i-i-i-ve  !  Fife  thalers !  My  wife  woohd 
star-r-r-ve  !  My  wife  woohd  star-r-r-ve  !  " 

"  Four  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Three  and  a  kervorter !  Three  and  a  kervorter  !  " 
said  the  store-keeper. 

"Done!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Aren't  that  fair 
enough?" 

"Here's  my  card,"  said  the  store-keeper,  as  Mr. 
Oldbeigh  started  out.  "  Come  akain  !  come  akain  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  started  toward  Market  street.  He 
surveyed  his  lower  garments  constantly  to  the  full 
extent  permissible  by  his  standing  collar,  but  was  very 
uneasy  because  he  had  no  pockets  in  which  to  insert 
his  hands.  At  last  he  inserted  one  of  his  large  brown 
hands  in  the  tail  pocket  of  his  coat,  and  the  pocket 
was  completely  filled  by  it.  Although  the  coat  still 
hurt  him  under  the  arms  and  his  shoes  still  hurt  his 
feet,  this  eased  him  so  much  that  the  smile  which 
usually  hung  on  his  features  came  back  to  its  pi<tce 
again.  He  was  compelled  to  hold  his  head  well  buck 
by  the  high  rising  collar. 


A     MIXER'S    EVENTFUL     RIDE.  51 

He  was  passing  along  the  sidewalk  between  the 
"Washington  street  Plaza  and  the  line  of  hacks  and 
coupe's  that  wait  by  the  Plaza  at  all  times.  As  he 
passed  the  first  hack,  with  his  head  in  the  air,  a  sound 
was  heard  on  the  top  of  his  stiff  round  hat  as  if  sev 
eral  shot  had  dropped  on  it  from  the  sky  overhead,  for 
a  hack-driver,  in  accordance  with  a  custom  then  much 
in  vogue,  had  projected  some  shot  from  between  his 
teeth  at  him;  but  as  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  never  known 
shot  to  rain  from  a  blue  sky  on  a  clear  day,  he  could 
not  account  for  this  curious  phenomenon.  At  this 
moment  he  heard  the  man  who  sat  on  the  driver's  seat 
of  the  first  hack  inquire  of  the  man  who  sat  on  the 
driver's  seat  of  the  second  hack,  u  What  is  it?  " 

"  I  never,  in  all  my  born  days,  see  one  on  'ein  afore!  " 
baid  the  man  addressed.  "  Ask  the  Colonel." 

"  I  say  now,  Colonel !  "  said  the  man  on  the  first  hack, 
calling  to  the  man  on  the  third  hack,  "  what  is  it  ?  " 

The  person  addressed  as  "  Colonel "  arose  from  a 
lounging  posture  to  a  sitting  one,  made  a  critical  survey 
of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  said  in  reply  :  "  I  think  it's  either 
a  Irish  pertater,  or  a  unripe  pumpkin  out  for  a  walk ; 
reely  I  can't  tell  which !  " 

As  the  other  hack-drivers  thought  that  this  remark 
was  humorous,  they  laughed  heartily. 

"  Oh!  Brick  !"  sang  out  the  little  man  on  the  first 
hack  to  the  man  on  the  fourth  hack.  "  What  is  it?" 

The  young  man  addressed  as  "  Brick,"  because  Na 
ture  had  clothed  his  head  in  red  hair,  was  of  English 
e  ctraction,  and  lie  remarked  that  he  thought  it  "  was 
I  wegetable,  or  a  advertisement  for  a  lost  dorg,"  and 


52  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

he  advised  them  to  look  on  its  back  for  the  advertise 
ment,  at  which  remarks  the  brotherhood  of  hackmen 
laughed  all  along  the  line,  and  a  perfect  shower  of  shot 
projected  from  between  their  teeth  rattled  on  the  top 
of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  round  hat.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  neither 
understood  for  whom  the  remarks  were  meant,  nor 
could  he  tell  from  what  quarter  the  shot  came.  The 
shot  ceased  to  strike  his  hat  in  a  few  moments,  for  he 
had  passed  those  persons  who  were  possessed  of  the 
missiles,  but  the  remarks  continued  all  along  the  line. 
However,  he  remained  oblivious  of  their  meaning. 

The  last  carriage  was  an  open  barouche,  and  by  this 
carriage  he  stopped.  The  driver  was  a  one-eyed  man 
with  sunken  hectic  cheeks. 

"  I  say,  my  son,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  surveying  the 
two  consumptive  horses  hitched  to  the  hack,  "  what 
time  do  you  go  in  ?  " 

"  They  both  make  2.20,"  said  the  driver,  looking  at 
him  solemnly  with  his  one  eye. 

"  They  don't  look  it,"  said  the  other,  struggling  to 
get  his  chin  between  the  two  points  of  his  collar. 

"  A  course  they  don't,"  said  the  driver,  with  contempt 
in  his  voice,  "  'cause  they  don't  want  to  !  It  ain't  their 
style.  There's  no  deception  about  them  horses :  they  're 
above  it.  If  they'd  a  wanted  to,  they  could  look  2.10|-  ; 
but  it  ain't  their  way.  They're  all  for  honesty  and 
they're  all  for  business.  You  see  the  off  horse  ?  Maybe 
you  think  he  can't  go  ?  Yes,  I  s'pose  you  do.  He  took 
the  gold  medal  at  the  fair  last  year.  Look  in  his  eyes 
and  see  the  fire  in  them !  You  see  the  other  horse  ? 


A    MINERS    EVENTFUL    RIDE. 

He  took  the  gold  cup,  and  I  have  it  on  the  table  every 
Sunday  for  my  little  boy  to  drink  milk  out  of." 

The  other  looked  at  the  two  bony  horses,  with  their 
heads  hanging  down,  for  some  moments,  as  if  he  were 
hesitating  about  something.  "  Well,"  he  said,  at  last, 
"will  you  make  them  go?" 

"  I  don't  say  I'll  make  them  go  in  2.20,"  said  the 
driver,  again  looking  at  him  sternly,  with  his  one  eye, 
44  but  I'll  make  'em  go  close  onto  it." 

"All  right,"  said  Mr.  Old  biegh,  stepping  on  the  axle 
of  the  front  wheel  and  climbing  up  on  the  driver's  seat. 

44  You  want  to  ride  inside,"  said  the  driver. 

44  No,  sir,  I  aren't  afeared  to  ride  on  the  outside  of  no 
wagon  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  All  right,"  said  the  driver. 

44 All  right,"  repeated  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Now,  one, 
two,  three  and  start  'em  !  " 

The  driver  turned  his  head  around  and  with  his  one 
eye  surveyed  the  large  round  features  of  his  companion, 
half  hidden  in  the  stiff  collar,  which  caused  him  to  sit 
with  his  head  thrown  back.  44  Where  do  you  want  to 
go  ?  "  asked  the  driver,  as  he  lazily  touched  one  of  the 
horses,  which  were  going  on  a  slow  trot,  with  his  whip. 

44  Whar's  ther  snobs  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  In  Golden  Gate  Park,"  was  the  answer. 

44  Thar's  whar  we'll  go,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

They  drove  slowly  along,  the  horses'  hoofs  splashing 
the  mud  of  Kearney  street,  the  carriage  at  times  run 
ning  in  the  smooth  car  tracks,  and  at  other  times  jolting 
and  bouncing  over  the  cobble  stones  in  such  a  manner 


64  A    MINER  S    EVENTFUL    RIDE. 

that  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  collar  threatened  to  saw  off  his 
*          head  in  earnest. 

After  awhile  Mr.  Oldbiegh  discovered  the  fact  that 
the  carriage  driver  was  not  a  temperance  man  •  so  they 
drove  up  to  a  hitching  post,  and,  after  hitching  the 
horses,  went  into  a  saloon  together,  and  came  out  with 
solemn  expressions  on  their  faces.  A  little  later  this 
apparently  dismal  proceeding  took  place  again ;  and 
the  further  they  went,  the  oftener  this  funereal  cere 
mony  occurred.  Just  as  they  came  out  of  a  saloon 
on  one  of  these  occasions,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  stumbled 
against  two  women,  who  were  kissing  each  other.  He 
apologized,  taking  off  his  little  round  hat  and  bowing 
almost  to  the  ground.  As  they  got  back  on  the  seat 
the  driver  said,  in  a  sulky  tone :  "  Say !  why  do  you 
s'pose  they  don't  wait  till  they  get  home,  to  be  firm' 
off  their  blank  catridges?  They  be  always  firm'  them 
off  on  the  street,  and  it  makes  a  sight  of  mischief.  It's 
a  reg'lar  nuisance  !  One  of  'em  give  another  sich  a 
pop  of  a  kiss  onct  that  a  new  broke  horse  of  mine  had 
a  runaway  and  there  was  a  smash  up.  It's  a  reg'lar 
nuisance,  and  a  ordnens  should  be  passed  agin  it.  I 
s'pose  they  all  do  it  because  they  all  kinder  s'pose  the 
one  what  kisses  them  is  a  man — that's  the  way  I  account 
for  their  always  firm'  off  blank  catridges,"  said  he, 
sourly,  looking  with  his  one  eye  at  his  companion.  "  I 
see  a  boy  onct  got  run  over  and  killed — a  little  curly- 
headed  shaver — because  his  ma  had  stopped  on  a  corner 
and  was  a  smackin'  away  onto  the  lips  of  another 
woman.  I  s'pose  all  the  accidents  on  this  account  is 
awful." 


A    MIXER'S    EVENTFUL    RIDE.  55 

They  now  went  through  the  gate  which  opened  into 
the  park,  and  in  a  moment  the  wheels  went  rumbling 
with  a  dull  roar  over  the  broad,  smooth  road.  They 
liad  passed  the  Conservatory,  on  whose  glass  roof  and 
sides  the  sunlight  was  glittering,  arid  had  turned  around 
one  of  the  many  curves  of  the  road,  when  out  of  a  road 
which  came  through  the  trees  on  the  right  shot  a  light 
yellow  skeleton  wagon,  with  a  seat  large  enough  for 
one  person  in  its  centre,  on  which  sat  a  little  man  with 
a  gray  military  moustache,  a  gray  cloth  jockey  cap,  and 
a  large  woollen  overcoat.  He  wore  a  red  and.  blue 
striped  worsted  comforter  around  his  throat.  The  horse, 
which  dragged  the  skeleton  wagon  was  a  large  bay. 

44  Thar'  he  goes ;  thar'  goes  one  on  'em  :  thar'  goes  a 
snob ! "  shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Whop  up  !  whop  up  I 
and  walk  away  from  him  now  with  your  2.20's !  "  But 
before  he  had  finished  these  remarks  the  bay  horse  was 
around  a  turn  in  the  road,  and  the  trees  hid  him  frojn 
sight.  "  Why  didn't  you  whop  'em  up  ? "  asked  he 
with  something  of  disappointment  in  his  voice, 

44  You  didn't  give  me  no  time,"  said  the  driver ;  44  you 
hadn't  ought  to  be  so  slow  in  singing  out." 

44  Who  was  that  ?  "  asked  the  other. 

44  That  was  one  of  our  rich  monopolists  and  land- 
grabbers,"  said  the  driver,  "  with  the  despepsy.  The 
rich  men  of  San  Francisco  all  has  the  despepsy,  and  so 
does  their  children,  and  they  all  come  drivin'  out  heer 
to  get  cured  on  it." 

44  You  don't  say !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  44  What's  the 
cause  of  it?" 

44  That's  the  queer  part  of  it,"  said  the  driver,  look- 


56  A  MIXER'S  EVENTFUL  HIDE. 

ing  at  him  with  his  one  eye  solemnly.  "I  sometimes 
think  it's  the  way  the  church  people  blackmail  them 
for  subscriptions  that  worrys  them  into  it.  The  doctors 
has  been  a  studyin'  away  of  their  books  for  fifteen  year 
but  ain't  found  no  passage  relatin'  to  it  yet.  I  guess 
they've  give  it  up  now  as  a  bad  job — all  except  one 
young  chap,  who  kep'  a  studyin'  so  hard  he  went  blind  , 
but  though  he  says  he  can  cure  it,  the  other  doctors 
says  he's  a  quack,  because  he  kep1  studyin'  till  he 
know'd  more  than  all  on  'em  put  together,"  and  he 
smiled  a  sickly  and  semi-sarcastic  smile  as  he  finished 
these  remarks. 

By  this  time  they  were  surrounded  by  two  or  three 
carriages,  which  were  gradually  beginning  to  go  faster 
and  faster.  In  a  buggy  to  their  left  sat  a  couple  of 
young  gentlemen,  each  of  whom  had  a  gold-rimmed 
eye-glass  in  his  left  eye.  One  of  them  wore  a  green 
coat  interwoven  with  thin  gilt  threads.  This  coat  was 
heavily  padded  in  the  shoulders.  He  wore  a  watch 
chain,  running  from  the  centre  of  his  vest  to  the  lower 
pockets  on  either  side  of  the  same.  The  other  was 
dressed  in  a  similar  manner,  the  only  difference  being 
that  his  clothes  were  of  a  pure  sea-green.  They  both 
wore  black  hats  which  resembled  elongated  soup  plates, 
turned  upside  down. 

By  the  manner  in  which  they  held  their  eye-glasses 
in  place,  while  they  glared  steadily  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
and  because  of  the  smile  on  their  faces,  it  was  evident 
that  something  in  the  appearance  of  that  gentleman 
amused  them  greatly.  As  a  lion  would  feel  outraged 
if  a  jackass  were  to  laugh  in  his  face,  so  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDK.  d7 

for  a  similar  reason,  proceeded  to  look  at  them  steadily 
and  sternly  for  some  moments,  when  he  inquired  of  the 
driver  what  they  were. 

"  Doods,"  said  the  one-eyed  man,  briefly. 

"  What  do  they  do?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Mash,"  said  the  one-eyed  man. 

"  I'll  be  darned  ef  I  wouldn't  like  to  mash  the  stuffin' 
out  of  'em  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  It  couldn't  be  did  by  no  man,"  said  the  driver,  sol 
emnly;  "that's  what  they  is — they  is  stuffin',  'ceptin' 
a  mite  of  skin  and  bone  stowed  away  inside  the  stuffin'. 
If  you  want  to  see  what  a  dood's  made  of — and  it  aren't 
a  pretty  picture  to  look  at,  neither — you've  got  to  keep 
a  unwrappin'  and  unwindin'and  pickin'  out  the  stuffin' 
for  a  hour,  and  then  you  may  miss  him  by  havin'  took 
him  out  with  the  stuffin'  without  seem'  him  alread}^" 

At  this  moment  the  two  creatures,  pronounced  by 
the  driver  to  be  "doods,"  ceased  to  gaze  upon  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  and  one  of  them  cut  his  horse  with  the  whip. 

"  Whop  her  up  !  Whop  her  up !  "  .shouted  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  excitedly.  "  I  wouldn't  be  beat  by  them  varmin, 
not  for  a  thousand  dollars  !  " 

The  dudes  were  ahead  of  them  now,  and  one  of  them 
kissed  his  hand  tauntingly  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  while  look 
ing  buck. 

"  Whop  'em  up!  Whop  'em  up  !  "  shouted  Mr.  Old 
biegh.  The  driver  cut  his  horses  with  his  whip,  but 
the  others  continued  to  get  further  and  further  away. 
"  Whop  'em  up!  Whop  'em  up!"  again  shouted  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  anxiously  leaning  forward  in  his  seat,  as  if 
by  that  act  to  hurry  on  the  carriage.  One  of  the 


58  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  HIDE. 

dudes  looked  around  again,  and  perceiving  the  fact 
that  the  driver  was  whipping  up  his  horses,  again  kissed 
his  hand  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  This  excited  that  personage 
greatly,  and  observing  the  fact  that  the  driver  was 
loth  to  hurry  his  horses,  he  leaned  back  while  he 
worked  his  large  hand  into  the  pocket  of  his  pantaloons 
and  drew  forth  five  dollars  which  he  slipped  into  the 
hands  of  the  driver.  The  driver  looked  toward  him, 
opened  his  mouth,  and  closed  his  one  eye  in  a  knowing 
way,  and  then  lashed  his  horses  until  they  began  to 
gallop.  They  were  getting  up  alongside  of  the  dudes 
when  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  after  slipping  another  five  dollar 
piece  into  the  driver's  hand,  stood  up  in  the  seat,  took 
off  his  hat,  and  shouted,  "  Hooroah  ! "  but  he  soon 
found  that  he  could  not  stand  up,  so  he  resumed  his 
seat.  They  were  now  alongside  of  the  dudes,  who 
were  lashing  their  horses.  The  old  man  waved  his  hat 
while  he  sung  out,  "  Go  it,  you  doods !  Go  it,  you 
varmin  !  "  The  horses  of  both  parties  were  now  on  a 
dead  run,  and  the  hind  wheels  of  the  barouche  were 
swinging  from  side  to  side  of  the  road,  while  they  were 
all  in  such  a  cloud  of  dust  that  they  could  hardly  see 
each  other.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  in  an  intense  state  of 
excitement,  and  this  excitement  increased  greatly  when 
the  dudes  began  to  creep  ahead.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  sud 
denly  tore  off  his  standing  collar,  in  order  to  watch 
their  movements  the  more  easily,  and  slipped  another 
five  dollar  piece  in  the  driver's  hand,  while  he  reiterated 
his  shouts  of  "  Whop  'em  up  !  whop  'em  up !  " 

Suddenly  the  dudes  turned  off  on  a  road  at  right 
angles,  while  the  barouche   dashed  on  ahead.     "  They 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.  59 

gin  it  up,  the  darned  varmin,"  said  the  old  miner,  mop 
ping  his  fiery  face  with  his  red-bordered  handkerchief. 
"  What's  the  time  made  ?  "  he  asked. 

44  Two-fourteen,"  said  the  driver.  "  There's  no  use," 
said  he,  "  tryin'  to  trot  your  horses  when  you're  racin' 
with  a  dood,  so  I  just  put  them  into  a  dead  run." 

"  Whar  do  you  s'pose  they  went  to  ? "  asked  the 
other. 

"  Oh,  they've  gone  off  to  be  up  to  some  dirty  work; 
that's  their  way.  They  go  about  the  country  doin' 
northin'  of  no  good.  They  ain't  like  other  people ;  I 
sort  of  think  they  ain't  human.  The  queer  thing  is 
you  never  see  them  walking." 

"No?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  inquiringly. 

"No,"  said  the  one-eyed  driver,  "you  always  see  them 
in  black  stockings  and  knee-breeches,  with  their  gold- 
rimmed  eye-glass,  aboard  a  bicycle.  I  never  see  one  of 
'em  a-walking  afoot  yit.  I  kinder  think  they  sleep  on 
the  bicycle." 

They  went  on  out  to  the  Cliff  House,  where  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  and  the  driver  took  lunch  and  drank  several 
bottles  of  claret  between  them.  They  then  started  for 
home.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  persisted  in  sitting  on  the  seat 
with  his  back  to  the  horses,  and  his  feet  with  the  buckle- 
shoes  on  them  hanging  down  into  the  carriage.  After 
riding  in  this  position  for  half  a  miie  to  the  intense 
delight  of  sundry  small  boys  in  a  laundry  wagon,  he 
got  into  the  carriage  and  sat  on  the  back  seat,  with  his 
arms  spread  out,  holding  to  the  sides  of  the  vehicle. 

As  it  was  now  getting  on  into  tne  afternoon,  a  large 
number  of  carriages  passed  them  going  to  the  Cliff 


60  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

House.  In  these  carriages  were  richly  dressed  ladies, 
upon  whom  Mr.  Oldbiegh  smiled  with  an  intensely 
benevolent  smile,  and  to  many  of  whom  he  courteously 
kissed  his  hand.  It  was  not  long,  however,  before  a 
curious  drowsiness  overcame  him  ;  he  became  oblivious 
to  all  surroundings,  and  slept  soundly  with  his  head 
resting  peacefully  on  his  bosom.  The  driver  drew  his 
horses  up  at  the  point  from  which  they  had  started, 
and  as  he  did  not  know  his  place  of  residence,  he  called 
to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  As  this  did  not  wake  him — for  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  seemed  to  have  taken  up  his  residence  in  the 
land  of  Nod — the  driver  climbed  into  the  carriage  and 
shook  him.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  half  opened  his  eyes  and 
smiled  sweetly.  "  Whopped  the  doods,  arter  all,"  he 
said,  and  fell  again  into  the  same  peaceful  sleep.  The 
driver  shook  him.  "  Where  do  you  live  ?  "  he  asked. 
"  Dogwood  Ditch,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  again 
smiled  with  the  same  sweet  smile,  and  again  fell  into 
the  same  peaceful  sleep.  "Here's  a  go!"  said  the 
driver,  looking  at  the  crowd  of  upturned  faces,  which 
had  gathered  around  the  carriage ;  "  a  reg'lar  fix ;  here's 
a  man  what's  took  a  glass  of  beer  and  got  out  and  out 
silly  before  he  told  me  where  he's  stoppin'  at!  "  "It 
ain't  got  a  license,  with  a  number  on  it,  has  it?"  asked 
a  pug-nosed  man,  who,  while  standing  on  the  steps  of 
the  carriage,  had  been  studying  the  curious  costume 
worn  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  some  degree  of  surprise 
on  his  face.  "Ah!  Jakey,  shut  up!"  said  the  driver; 
•4  what's  the  use  a-talking  that  way  when  a  man  has 
got  in  such  a  go  as  I  be  ?"  "  Did  iU  rna  know  it  was 
out,  without  tying  a  bell  around  its  neck  ?  "  persisted 


A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE.      61 

the  person  addressed  as  Jakey.  "  I  s'pose  you  found 
it  blowing  down  the  street !  "  said  another.  At  this 
remark  the  faces  of  many  persons  in  the  crowd  became 
covered  with  smiles.  "  Tie  it  by  the  leg  and  stake  it 
out,"  suggested  some  one  in  the  crowd.  "  Or  adopt 
it  for  yer  kid  and  bring  it  up  on  the  bottle,"  suggested 
another.  "  Go  sell  it  to  the  butcher  for  pork  sassin- 
gers,"  said  another.  "  The  beer  what  it's  took  will 
make  it  taste  the  more  sweeterer ! " 

At  this  moment  the  young  man  with  the  green  coat 
and  yellow  striped  pantaloons  came  elbowing  his  way 
through  the  crowd.  "Hello!  Tommy,"  shouted  sev 
eral  of  the  crowd,  as  they  recognized  the  young  man 
with  "Golden  Chariot"  printed  on  the  baud  of  his  hat 
in  gilt  letters.  "  Hello !  Tommy,  where'd  you  drop 
from  ?  "  said  the  driver. 

Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  did  not  answer,  but  climed  up 
on  the  axle  of  the  carriage  and  looked  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
carefully.  "  Yes,  it's — him,"  he  said  to  himself,  "but 
fearfully — disguised.  The  hoodlums  have  had  him  ;  he 
has  escaped  in  their  togs  and  a  ladedah — coat.  Poor  old 
boy  !  How  he  must — suffah  !  He  has  it — bad  !  Nob 
by,  drive  ahead  quick  to  the  Golden  Chariot.  He  yet 
may  survive — if  we  take  these  togs  off!  " 

The  driver  drove  to  the  Golden  Chariot,  and  on  the 
road  Mr.  Geseign  amused  himself  by  soliloquizing  over 
his  silent  and  apparently  dead  companion  in  the  fol 
lowing  words:  "Poor  old — boy!  Jolly  old — coon  I 
Fine  old — cock  !  Noble  old — roostah  !  He  now  is — at 
rest !  He  now  sleeps — in  peace  !  His  like — shall  we  ever 
see  it  again?  No — hardly  iievah  !  Before  be  slept, 


62  A  MINER'S  EVENTFUL  RIDE. 

before  his  eyes  closed,  be  was  loved  of  all  men — per 
haps  by  the  women !  Now,  who  so  poor  to  do  him 
— reverence  !  Noble  old — boy  !  " 

The  hotel  was  reached  and  the  driver  and  one  of 
the  waiters  carried  Mr.  Oldbiegh  up  to  his  room  ;  and 
Becky,  who  followed  after  them,  was  assisted  througk 
the  dark  and  gloomy  passage-ways  by  Mr.  Thomas 
Geseign,  who,  to  prevent  her  from  tripping  and  falling, 
had  encircled  his  arm  around  her  waist;  arid  as  the 
room  was  in  perfect  order,  his  gallantry  induced  him 
to  see  her  back  through  the  dark  passage-ways  again. 

Now,  for  some  inconceivable  reason,  for  which  the 
writer  of  this  histoiy  has  long  sought  an  explanation, 
but  for  which  he  has  as  yet  been  unable  to  find  any, 
the  pretty  chambermaid  stopped  suddenly  in  one  of 
the  darkest  passage-ways ;  whether  the  pressure  of  the 
young  man's  arm  produced  faintness,  or  whether  there 
was  some  other  mysterious  cause  for  this,  as  has  just 
been  said,  the  historian  has  been  unable  to  learn.  And 
it  gives  him  much  pain  to  say  that  the  freckled-faced 
young  man,  in  a  most  shameful  and  audacious  manner, 
did  thereupon  take  advantage  of  her  situation  in  the 
following  fashion.  After  placing  his  left  arm  around 
her  shoulder,  he  attempted  to  kiss  her  lips.  She  turned 
her  head  away  from  him  so  that  his  lips  were  in  con 
tact  with  her  right  ear.  "  Now,  leave  rne  alone,  you 
horrid  thing,  or  I'll  holler  ! "  whined  the  young  girl 
with  the  pink  cheeks  and  blonde  hair.  But  the  "hor 
rid  thing"  for  some  inconceivable  reason  did  not  leave 
her  alone,  and  for  a  similar  reason  she  did  not  shout. 
The  "horrid  thing"  then  got  his  face  into  such  a  posi- 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      63 

tion  that  he  was  about  to  kiss  her  on  the  lips,  when, 
like  magic,  her  left  ear  was  presented  to  him,  and  a 
few  moments  later  her  right  ear  again.  Suffice  it  to 
say  that  he  seemed  to  possess  a  knowledge  of  certain 
rules  of  strategy,  which,  your  historian  has  since  been 
informed  by  certain  married  men,  are  often  applied  in 
that  kind  of  warfare ;  for  a  little  later  he  certainly  did 
kiss  her  squarely  on  the  lips  ;  whereat  she  told  him  that 
she  never  would  speak  to  him  again  as  long  as  she 
lived. 

The  waiter  above  mentioned  tucked  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
comfortably  under  his  bed  clothing,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
tossed  on  his  creaking  bed  to  such  an  extent  that  an 
elderly  couple  in  the  next  room,  who  were  thereby 
kept  awake  and  in  a  boiling  state  of  rage  during  the 
whole  of  the  night,  solemnly  resolved  to  leave  the  hotel 
the  next  day  for  a  quieter  lodging-house. 


CHAPTER  II. 
MB.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

TVHE  evening  after  the  day  whose  events  were 
described  in  the  last  chapter,  a  grand  re-union 
of  the  hotel  runners  of  San  Francisco  was  to  take 
place  at  the  noted  restaurant  known  by  the  name  of 
the  "  Grotto."  The  "  Grotto  "  was  situated  in  a  house, 
which,  in  the  early  days  of  California,  had  been  a  pri 
vate  residence ;  but  as  that  locality  was  in  time  given 


64      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

up  to  the  ever-encroaching  business  portion  of  the  city, 
after  first  being  used  as  a  hardware -store  and  after 
wards  as  a  morgue,  it  was  at  last  employed  as  a  restau 
rant  by  the  present  proprietor,  Signer  Maccaroni,  of 
whom  an  oil  painting  is  to  be  seen  on  the  wall  just 
after  you  pass  through  the  main  entrance.  In  this 
picture  he  is  represented  in  the  interesting  state  of  eat 
ing  his  dinner,  and  he  gazes  with  a  sweet  smile  on  a 
pork  chop  which  he  holds  in  his  left  hand.  And  the 
word  "Grotto"  is  now  to  be  seen  in  gilt  letters  on  a 
black  sign  which  hangs  over  the  sidewalk  by  weak 
wires — an  eternal  menace  to  the  lives  of  those  who 
pass  under  it  on  a  windy  day.  A  few  feet  of  what 
may  be  sarcastically  called  a  garden  are  still  in  front 
of  the  "  Grotto,"  and  in  this  garden  is  a  basin,  in 
which  stands  a  fountain  composed  of  oyster  shells  in 
the  shape  of  a  cone,  and  through  the  centre  of  this 
•>one  runs  a  brass  pipe,  through  which  percolates  the 
economical  stream  of  water  which  constitutes  the  most 
attractive  feature  of  the  fountain.  A  number  of  large- 
leaved  green  plants  are  also  in  this  garden ;  and  at 
whatever  time  of  the  day  they  are  observed,  they  have 
upon  them  the  same  moist  look.  In  a  green  tin  basin,  in 
the  right  window  of  the  "  Grotto,"  floats  in  undisturbed 
composure  a  man-of-war  two  and  a  half  feet  long,  with 
a  wooden  sailor  standing  over  the  wheel  a  quarter  of  a 
foot  high,  while  another  wooden  sailor,  evidently  be 
longing  to  the  same  knock-kneed,  lantern-jawed  and 
overgrown  family,  clings  with  a  tenacious  grasp  to  the 
main-stay. 

The  brotherhood    of  hotel   runners   had   hired   the 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      65 

whole  of  the  upper  story  of  the  "  Grotto "  for  that 
night ;  and  had  the  amount  of  wine,  which  was  taken 
up  to  that  upper  story  during  the  day,  been  noticed  by 
a  person  of  a  logical  mind,  with  a  capacity  for  working 
out  conundrums,  he  would  have  come  to  the  conclu 
sion  that  the  coming  night  was  doomed  to  be  made 
hideous — perhaps  shocking^  so — before  the  dawn  ap 
peared;  and  after  a  little  further  reflection,  this  logical 
minded,  statistical  creature  would  perhaps  have  come 
to  the  conclusion  that  the  persons  thus  making  night 
hideous  would  in  all  probability  be  slightly  hideous 
themselves  before  the  above-mentioned  dawn. 

Let  it  be  here  recorded  that  on  the  morning  referred' 
to,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  awakened  with  a  very  weak 
stomach  and  with  a  throbbing  pain  in  his  head ;  and 
that  when  he  got  out  of  bed  the  washstand  in  front  of 
him  seemed  to  be  pitching  up  and  down  like  a  ship  out 
at  sea.  The  very  thought  of  breakfast  made  him  sick. 

He  put  on  his  new  suit  of  clothes,  but  they  fitted 
him  so  tightly  about  the  stomach  that  they  took  away 
his  breath.  With  an  oath  against  the  latest  style  of 
clothing,  as  soon  as  he  caught  his  breath,  and  another 
for  the  snobs  that  wore  them,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  jerked  the 
clothes  off  and  put  on  some  old  ones.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
walked  out  of  his  room  and  down  the  broad  strips  of 
cocoa-matting  that  covered  the  centre  of  the  hallway. 
He  was  just  about  to  start  down  the  stairway  when  liis 
attention  was  attracted  by  the  laughter  of  some  matrons, 
and  the  giggling  of  a  number  of  young  girls  in  the 
ladies'  sitting-room  on  his  right.  Hearing  a  man's 
voice  that  was  familiar  to  him,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  walked 
4 


66     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

into  the  sitting-room  just  at  the  moment  that  Mr. 
Thomas  Geseign  started  a  young  girl  of  sixteen  off  into 
an  hysterical  fit  of  laughter  by  gazing  at  her  for  a 
moment  with  a  savage  and  blood-curdling  look.  As 
soon  as  Mr.  Geseign  saw  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  he  jumped  up, 
grabbed  him  by  the  arm  and  dragged  him  into  the  room. 

"  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  ladies,"  said  he ;  "  we  were  barefooted 
boys  at  school — together.  My  best — friend.  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  Mrs.  Scroggins,  Miss  Letitia  Scroggins,  Miss 
Ju-liah  Scroggins,  Mrs.  Oldwhistle,  Mr.  Oldwhistle, 
Mrs.  Corporal  Nodgers  of  the  Presideo— her  husband, 
a  prominent  army  officer — Mrs.  Dudkins — her  husband, 
a  surgeon." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  bowed  low  to  the  ladies  and  to  Mr. 
Oldwhistle,  the  only  other  person  there  present,  except 
Mr.  Geseign,  of  the  male  persuasion.  As  Mr.  Old- 
whistle,  who  was  a  little  lean,  bony  man,  kept  his  mouth 
as  tight  as  a  drum  and  said  nothing,  it  was  plain  that 
the  laughter  had  been  produced  by  some  word  or  act 
of  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign,  who  was  evidently  a  great 
favorite. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  sat  down  by  Mrs.  Dudkins  and  entered 
into  conversation  with  her.  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  sat 
by  the  side  of  a  young  girl,  in  a  pink  dress,  who  per 
sisted  in  making  bewitching  sheeps'  eyes  at  him.  After 
awhile  he  left  her  and  came  over  and  sat  down  by  Mrs. 
Dudkins. 

"  How  is  hubby  ?  "  he  asked. 

"Quite  well,"  replied  the  lady,  smiling. 

"  The  most  wonderful  of  sciences  is — surgery.  The 
sublimest  of — arts,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "A  surgeon, 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      67 

who  is  skillful,  can  whittle  a  man  into  a  horse — and  yet 
he  lives !  Or  a  horse  into  a  man — and  yet  he  lives  !  Oh ! 
wonderful  creachaw!  A  surgeon  is — if  skillful — to 
be  dreaded  because  of  his  power.  I  knew  once  a  lady 
— fairy  creachaw — enchanting  being — a  childish  smile 
— so  sweet — innocent  ideas — so  angelic — a  man's  ideal ! 
The  result?  Can  you  think?  A  friend  of  mine — loved 
her.  Was  carried  away  !  Loved  her  madly — to  distrac 
tion  !  His  life  was  all  bliss.  One  sweet,  smiling  hour, 
surrounded  by — roses.  My  friend  went  to  see  her 
monthly — then  weekly — reduced  it  to  daily  !  When 
the  church  bell  struck  seven  each  night,  the  front  gate 
flew — open.  My  friend — entered.  Beautiful  affection 
of  a  pure  heart! 

"  Sitting  on  the  sofa — the  poetical  sofa — beneath  the 
soft  twilight,  my  friend  learned  to — kiss  her!  Rash 
creachaw  !  He  doted  on — kisses.  The  months  wore 
away  and  the  spring  came  again.  He  never  missed  his 
visits.  The  year  rolled  around — he  kept  those  appoint 
ments.  As  he  sat  on  the  sofa — the  poetical  sofa — their 
lips  still  met  softly  !  Oh,  beautiful  picture  !  Undying 
affection  !  Most  exquisite  scene — fit  for  a  paintah ! 
They  had  perfect — affinity. 

"But  a  change  came  upon  them.  Oh,  Fate,  thou  art 
cruel !  A  cruel  creachaw !  The  old  man  and  old 
woman  up  stairs  in  their  bed  discussed  it  together 
through  the  long  hours  of  midnight,  in  a  tone  that  was 
serious — intensely  so.  They  resolved  firmly  the  kiss 
ing  should  cease — the  old  man  struck  the  bed  with  his 
fist — and  that  both  should  get  married.  Oh,  harsh 
resolve  —  oh,  cruel  parents!  He  swore  a  rivulet  of 


68     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

oaths,  as  he  rose  on  his  elbow — the}7  should  be  married. 
Logical  idea — shrewd  old  roostah  ! 

"  Next  night,  my  friend  came  again.  Brushed  out 
his  moustache  on  the  right  side.  Brushed  out  his 
moustache  on  the  left  side.  Threw  back  his  head  and 
kissed,  her — partially.  The  kiss  was  half  finished,  but 
not  completed,  when  the  old  man — came  in.  Oh,  terri 
ble  moment !  The  old  man  kicked  rny  friend  through 
the  front  do-ah  !  But  this  had  no  effect — none  at  all — 
such  is  the  power  of  love  !  The  next  night — my  friend 
came  again.  Brushed  his  moustache  out  of  the  way, 
when  the  door  opened  and  the  old  woman — entered. 
She  said,  4  Let  Sally  ' — the  girl's  name — '  wipe  off  her 
teeth.  They've  not  been  cleaned  this  blessed  day.'  My 
friend  smiled  sadly,  and  before  her  mother,  to  her 
horror,  kissed  the  girl ! 

u  The  old  man  sharpened  up  the  toes  of  his  boots 
and  kicked  my  friend  again  through  his  front  do-ah ! 
No  effect — my  friend  was  persistent.  His  mother  was 
hard-headed ;  his  father  was  stubborn ;  he  was  persis 
tent.  A  scientific  result.  Next  night — came  again. 
Prepared  to  kiss  the  girl.  Old  man  entered.  Cut  his 
ears  off,  and  kicked  him  through  the  front  do-ah,  as 
usual ! 

"  My  friend  had  heard  of  Dudkins — wonderful  sur 
geon  !  He  went  to  him.  Dudkins  has  a  boy — little 
Billy — old  for  his  years.  Put  him  under  chloroform — 
cut  his  ears  off  and  placed  the nv on  my  friend.  My 
friend  swore  on  a  Bible  he  would  return  them.  Went 
to  see  his  girl,  arrayed  in  Billy's  ears.  Old  folks  saw 
his  ears,  were  superstitious  and  fled  the  house.  My 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      69 

friend,  being  no  longer  under  coercion,  married  the 
girl.  Returned  the  ears — with  thanks — to  Billy.  Billy 
wears  them  now.  They  become  him  and  fit  well.  Sur 
gical  romance  !  Plot  for  a  tragedy  !  " 

"  Oh,  you  funny  wretch  !  "  said  Mrs.  Dudkins. 

"Thank  you!  Thank  you!"  said  Mr.  Thomas  Ges- 
eign.  "  You  are — kind." 

"Isn't  he  just  horrid  to  talk  about  my  husband  that 
way?"  said  Mrs.  Dudkins,  appealing  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
That  person,  who  had  been  so  much  amused  by  the  man 
ner  of  his  friend  that,  although  he  had  attempted  to  throt 
tle  a  couple  of  violent  "  haw  !  haws  !  "  which  had  been 
rumbling  under  his  vest,  they  had  at  last  escaped  like 
a  couple  of  youthful  reports  from  the  crater  of  a  vol 
cano,  replied  that  it  was  "  Very  horrid,  arter  all,  haw  ! 
haw! "  and  that  Mr.  Geseign  was  a  horrid  young  man 
with  the  ladies,  in  particular,  as  well  as  in  general, 
"haw!  haw!"  and  when  Mr.  Geseign  made  some  face 
tious  comment  on  these  remarks,  the  "haw!  haws!" 
rumbled  and  chased  each  other  around  beneath  the 
white  vest  to  such  an  extent  that  the  aforesaid  Thomas 
slapped  Mr.  Oldbiegh  on  the  back  in  such  a  violent 
manner  that  the  dust  poured  out  from  the  coat  into  the 
atmosphere  in  volumes. 

While  Mr.  Geseign  was  thus  dusting  his  coat  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  happened  to  notice  Mr.  Oldwhistle.  This 
person  was  gazing  on  the  beaming  countenance  of  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  with  an  expression  of  intense  contempt  in 
his  eyes ;  and  about  his  face  was  a  leering,  hideous 
sneer.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  laughter  stopped  in  an  instant, 
and  with  his  legs  spread  apart,  and  his  large  hands 


70     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FARTHER  ADVENTURES. 

against  his  sides,  he  stood  looking  at  the  little  man, 
with  an  uncertain,  inquiring,  and  puzzled  look ;  but 
the  little  man's  face  bore  the  same  expression  of  intense 
contempt  and  disgust,  while  he  continued  to  gaze 
steadily  on  the  countenance  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  The 
sneer  began  to  rise  and  fall,  like  a  miniature  billow  on 
the  miniature  features  of  the  little  man  ;  and  as  it  thus 
rose  and  fell  it  gradually  increased  in  intensity.  It 
was  what  those  sweet  creatures,  the  ladies,  would 
probably  call  a  "  nasty  sneer." 

Now,  it  is  a  fact  well  known  to  philosophers  and  sci 
entists  that  when  a  dog  curls  up  his  lip  and  begins  to 
walk  round  another  dog,  and  smell  the  other  dog  con 
temptuously,  this  action  does  not  always  produce  a 
friendly  feeling  between  the  two  dogs,  "  but  on  the 
contrary,  quite  the  reverse" — as  Mr.  Geseign  sagely 
remarked  later  in  the  day,  when  he  used  this  compari 
son,  while  commenting  upon  the  action  of  Mr.  Junius 
Oldbiegh  on  this  occasion. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh's  round,  good-natured  features  gradu 
ally  fell  like  the  mercury  in  a  thermometer  from  one 
hundred  and  ten  degrees  above  zero  to  a  few  degrees 
below  that  figure  as  he  continued,  with  a  fascinated 
gaze  to  contemplate  the  contemptuous  features  of  the 
other.  He  made  no  remark  for  many  moments,  for  he 
was  too  full  for  utterance  in  plain  English,  and  his 
usually  bright  blue  eyes  had  in  them  a  leaden  look ; 
and  his  appearance  intimated  the  possibility  of  an 
apoplectic  fit.  As  it  would,  perhaps,  be  interesting  to 
the  reader  to  understand  the  great  thoughts  in  Mr. 
Oldwhistle's  little  brain,  which  produced  the  feelings 


ME.    OLDBIEGH'S    FUKTHER    ADVENTURES.        71 

of  contempt,  which  nature  had  written  in  such  vivid 
characters  upon  his  features,  they  shall  be  described. 
And  in  the  first  place,  let  it  be  understood  that  Mr. 
Oldwhistle  was  a  scientist,  whose  great  ability  had 
never  been  recognized  in  the  slightest  degree  by  the 
careless  and  frivolous  world.  Being  naturally  of  a 
cynical  disposition,  this  cynicism  had  been  greatly  in 
tensified  by  the  harsh  treatment  which  the  world  had 
given  to  the  man  who  had  labored  to  benefit  his  race 
and  ameliorate  the  condition  of  mankind.  And  in 
proportion  as  the  world  stubbornly  refused  to  recog 
nize  his  ability  did  Mr.  Oldwhistle  discover  more  and 
more  the  profundity  of  his  own  intellect;  and,  like 
other  great  men,  the  more  clearly  did  he  perceive  the 
littleness  of  men  in  general  and  the  pettiness  of  their 
thoughts  and  actions.  Their  petty  actions  were  a 
source  of  great  amusement  to  his  deeper  thoughts. 
And,  like  some  other  great  men  in  another  respect,  he 
would  not  stoop  to  conceal  his  thoughts  by  the  control 
of  his  features. 

In  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  actions  he  had  seen  another  strong 
argument  to  prove  the  truth  of  the  Darwinian  theory. 
He  had  seen  something  so  monkey-like  in  his  hearty 
good  nature  that  he  felt  satisfied  that  the  first  branches 
of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  genealogical  tree  must  have  had 
monkeys  perched  on  them.  Of  this  he  was  thoroughly 
convinced.  These  ideas,  as  they  passed  through  his 
inind  became  more  and  more  clearly  depicted  on  his 
features,  the  longer  he  contemplated  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
At  last  Mr.  Oldbiegh  attempted  to  speak,  but  a  chok 
ing  sensation  prevented  utterance.  He  made  a  despe- 


72      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

rate  effort  to  utter  something,  but  as  the  choking  sen 
sation  grew  worse,  it  was  some  moments  before  he  was 
able  to  do  so ;  and  during  these  moments  he  continued 
choking  before  the  cool  little  scientist,  whose  amuse 
ment  was  increased  by  "these  actions.  At  last  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  tongue  found  speech,  and  as  his  rough 
sense  of  chivalry  prevented  him  from  destroying  the 
little  man,  in  the  presence  of  the  ladies,  he  invited  him 
out  for  a  drink.  "No,"  said  the  little  man,  with  an 
other  sneer;  "  I  never  make  a  beast  of  myself!" 

"  By  which  I  s'pose,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I'm  took 
by  you  for  a  beast?"  looking  at  him,  while  the  per 
spiration  stood  out  on  his  brow. 

"I  don't  know  what  you  are,"  said  the  little  man, 
smiling  sourly  again.  "  Why  should  I?  I  never  saw 
you  before." 

"  Well,  pard,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  will  you  have  the 
kindness  to  go  out  for  a  cigar  ?  " 

"  I  don't  destroy  my  constitution,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
whistle,  "  with  cigars.  I  don't  smoke,  chew,  swear  or 
drink.  I  hope  I  have  better  sense." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  growing  black  in  the  face  and  the 
ladies  were  growing  very  fidgety.  "  Will  you  go  out 
for  some  fresh  air — if  you  ever  indulge  in  it — I  want 
to  talk  to  you,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  at  this  moment  seized  Mr.  Old 
biegh  by  the  shoulders  and  hustled  him  out  into  the 
hall,  where  he  attempted  to  pacify  him.  The  persons 
in  the  room,  who  had  ceased  all  conversation,  there* 
upon  heard  the  following  remarks,  which  seemed  to 
come  from  Mr.  Oldbiegh :  "  Little  yaller  dog !  That's 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      73 

what  the  little  varmin  is !  A  reg'lar  yaller  dog  !  "  to 
gether  with  many  poetical  allusions  to  the  same  effect ; 
while  the  soft  voice  of  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  was  heard 
in  the  attempt  to  pacify  the  outraged  feelings  of  his 
companion. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  dignified  tread,  was  escorted  to 
the  bar,  where  he  drank  a  liquid  of  a  light  yellow 
shade  of  color,  which  Mr.  Geseign  told  him  "  would  set 
him  to  rights — all  in  no  time."  In  order  to  encourage 
him,  he  first  took  a  glass  of  the  liquor  full  to  the  brim, 
and  when  Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  the  same  a  sweet  smile 
gradually  stole  over  his  features,  proving  the  truth  of 
Mr.  Geseign's  assertion. 

They  now  walked  up  to  the  clerk's  desk,  where  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  insisted  upon  shaking  the  clerk's  hand.  The 
clerk,  being  busy  at  the  moment,  did  so  very  ungra 
ciously.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  then  about  to  go  away, 
when  the  clerk  handed  him  a  letter.  "  Well,  I'll  swar ; 
it's  a  woman's  writing !  Well,  I'll  be  etarnally  ker- 
wholloped ! " 

"Nothing — more  natural,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

After  the  deep  remark  made  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  which 
the  reader  will  find  it  difficult  to  interpret,  he  locked 
his  large  arm  in  the  smaller  one  of  Mr.  Geseign,  and 
led  him  over  to  a  seat.  Then  sitting  down  by  the 
green  baize-covered  table,  he  took  out  his  pipe,  cut  his 
tobacco  with  a  large  jack-knife,  loaded  his  pipe, 
scratched  several  matches  on  the  leg  of  his  pantaloons, 
and  lighted  his  pipe ;  and  after  he  had  drawn  in  his 
stout  cheeks  several  times  and  puffed  the  smoke  out, 
he  opened  the  letter  with  the  same  jack-knife,  and 


74      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

spread  it  before  him  on  "the  table  and  gazed  solemnly 
on  its  surface  for  some  moments.  Mr.  Geseign  took  it 
up  and  read  it.  The  following  is  a  copy  of  the  identi 
cal  piece  of  feminine  literature,  which  he  read : 

• 

"SAN  FRANCISCO,  BIRMINGHAM  HOUSE, 
R.  34  (left  entrance) 

(No.  873  Howard  street,  July  13, .) 

"  ME.  JUNIUS  OLDBIEGH. — Deer  Sur  ! — I'm  hay  com- 
min' !  I'm  hay  commin'  to  see  you  at  two  (o'clock) 
tomorrer !  Yours  fectionately, 

"KATE  BRUMLIN. 

"  P.  S. — I'll  be  thair.  I'm  hay  commin' !  Yours 
fectionately,  KATE  BRUMLIN. 

"  2d  P.  S. — Don't  be  out  when  I  come.  Yours  fec 
tionately,  •  KATE  BRUMLIN." 

"Weil,  I'll  be  darned!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  taking 
the  pipe  out  of  his  mouth,  after  he  had  heard  the  above 
letter  read.  "  She  do  seem  to  be  a-comin' !  " 

"  Her  letter  is  tender — quite  passionate  and  tendah  !  " 
said  Mr.  Geseign.  "Sweet  creachaw — such  affection  I 
Loves  you — dearly  !  Sly  old  boy  !  " 

"  Do  you  a-suppose  I  know  her?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
solemnly,  as  he  held  his  smoking  pipe  at  a  distance 
from  his  mouth. 

"You  won't  say  so  —  nevah  ! "  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"but  you  can't — deceive  me.  If  you  would — you  must 
arise  quite  early !  You  must  arise  with  the  roostahs — 
when  they  get  up  to  crow  !  Sly  old  boy ! "  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  patting  him  affectionately  on  the  back. 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      75 

"  Look-e  here  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  turning  around 
in  his  chair  and  grasping  its  arms,  while  he  gazed  sol 
emnly  on  the  countenance  of  the  other,  "do  you  sup 
pose  I've  ever  seen  that  ar'  widdyer  afore  ?  " 

"She  is  coming — says  she's*  yours — affectionately. 
Repeats  the  remark.  You  will  plank  down  the  coin, 
or  she'll  make  it  deuced — hot !  Sly  old  boy  !  "  This 
last  remark  irritated  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Geseign,  per 
ceiving  this,  pretended  to  believe  the  assertions  of  inno 
cence  made  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  at  his  urgent  solici 
tation  promised  to  go  into  an  inner  room,  which  opened 
into  his,  when  the  lady  called,  in  order  to  be  convinced 
by  the  conversation  that  he  had  never  met  the  woman 
before. 

Just  as  this  agreement  was  finished,  Mr.  Geseign 
handed  Mr.  Oldbiegh  a  neatly  printed  request  for  the 
favor  of  his  company  at  an  entertainment  given  by  the 
"  Convivials,"  a  club,  as  Mr.  Geseign  informed  him, 
composed  chiefly  of  the  United  Order  of  Hotel  Runners. 
Printed  in  a  line  by  itself  on  the  card  were  the  words, 
"  At  the  Grotto,"  and  in  the  lower  right  corner  the 
letters  "  R.  S.  V.  P." 

44  What's  them  letters  in  the  corner  for  ?  "  asked  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

44  That,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 44  is  simply  a  fashionable — 
guy.  It  means  reply  if  you  please.  It  means  the  writer 
speaks — French.  It  means  we  are — bloods.  It  means 
we  have  lived — in  Paris.  It  means  English  is  for  — us 
too  common.  It  means — no  Irish  need  apply.  See  you 
later."  And  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  went  into  an  inner 


76     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

room,  where  a  number  of  persons  were  sitting  around 
a  table  playing  cards. 

At  two  o'clock  that  afternoon  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  lying 
in  his  room  on  the  outside  of  his  bed,  and  was  gazing 
at  some  men  tarring  the  roof  of  the  house  opposite, 
when  three  quick  raps  at  the  door  caused  him  to  spring 
from  the  couch.  He  went  to  the  door,  opened  it  a  few 
inches,  and  saw  a  woman  about  forty  years  of  age  stand 
ing  outside. 

"Mr.  Oldbiegh?"  she  asked. 

"  Yes,  marm,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Well,  let  me  in,"  said  she.  "  Now,  close  the  door. 
I'm  Miss  Kate  Brumlin." 

"  I  thort  you  was  a  widdyer,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  am,"  said  the  other.  This  astonished  Mr.  Old 
biegh  somewhat,  and  as  Kate  Brumlin  was  panting 
from  her  trip  up  the  stairs,  all  conversation  ceased  for 
a  moment. 

Miss  Brumlin,  as  she  called  herself,  or  rather  Mrs. 
Brumlin,  as  she  should  have  called  herself,  was  a  well- 
built  woman,  of  dark  complexion.  She  wore  a  black 
dress,  and  a  broad  leather  belt  around  her  waist,  which 
was  fastened  with  a  leather  buckle.  On  her  head  she 
wore  a  large  black  hat,  in  which  was  an  enormous  green 
feather.  Her  black  hair  was  held  in  position  on  the 
upper  part  of  her  forehead  by  a  tightly  drawn  piece  of 
veil.  Her  eyelids  were  almost  closed  over  her  eyes — 
in  fact  her  eyes  were  almost  invisible.  The  dark  skin 
of  her  face  was  covered  by  white  powder. 

After  contemplating  this  apparition  for  a  moment, 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  to  the  door  of  his  inner  room,  with 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      77 

a  vague  hope  that  Mr.  Geseign  had  gone  into  it  unob 
served.  Finding  he  was  not  there,  he  told  his  com 
panion  he  must  quit  her  for  an  instant,  and  was  about 
to  leave  her  alone,  when  she  called  him  back. 

"  You  can't  leave  me  alone,"  said  she.  "  I'm  not  to 
be  imposed  on.  I  won't  be  left  in  no  man's  room  alone." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "what  shall  I  do?" 

"  Stay  with  me.  Stand  by  me.  Stay  with  us,"  she 
said,  pushing  one  foot  forward  and  assuming  a  theatri 
cal  air.  "  Didn't  you  invite  a  fellow  to  come  and  see 
you?" 

"  What  fellow  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  helpless 
tone  of  voice. 

"  Me,"  said  she,  in  a  stern  tone,  as  she  attempted  to 
open  her  eyes  wide  enough  to  look  at  him,  but  failed 
in  the  attempt.  "  Take  a  seat,"  said  she,  in  a  com 
manding  tone,  "and  don't  be  a  fool."  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
eyes  opened  wider  than  usual,  and  he  stood  gaping  at 
her  with  his  mouth  partially  open.  "Take  a  seat;  do 
you  hear  ?  "  she  said  again.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  after  looking 
at  her  a  moment  longer,  took  a  seat.  She  then  drew 
up  a  chair  close  to  his,  and  seated  herself.  He  turned 
his  head  to  the  right,  looked  at  her  a  moment,  and  then 
moved  his  chair  away  a  few  inches.  She  coughed,  and 
drew  up  hers  alongside  of  his.  With  the  same  solemn 
expression  on  his  face  Mr.  Oldbiegh  moved  his  chair 
away  again.  Again  she  coughed  and  moved  her  chair 
alongside  of  his.  "  Keep  still,"  she  said.  "  Stop  your 
foolishness ! "  Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  keep  still,  for  the  last 
time  he  had  moved  his  chair  against  the  foot  of  his  bed, 


78     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

and  though  she  pressed  him  hard,  he  could  move  no 
further. 

They  both  sat  in  silence  for  some  moments,  when 
she  took  her  fan  from  before  her  mouth  and  smiled 
archly  upon  him.  This  little  piece  of  playfulness,  how 
ever,  had  no  effect  upon  him,  for  his  face  continued  to 
wear  a  most  solemn  expression.  They  both  sat  gazing 
at  the  wall  in  front  of  them  for  some  time  again,  the 
eyes  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  the  meantime,  wandering  from 
one  object  on  the  wall  to  another.  Again  she  turned 
the  powdered  face  to  him,  lowered  the  fan,  and  while 
she  smiled  suddenly  commenced  tickling  him  under 
the  chin  with  the  first  and  second  fingers  of  her  right 
hand.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  jumped  up. 

"What  are  you  a-doin'  that  ar'  for?"  said  he,  exci 
tedly. 

"Sit  down,  pet,"  said  she;  "don't  be  a  fool!" 

"No  more  of  that,"  said  he,  as  he  sat  down;  "just 
let  up  on  it."  There  was  a  period  of  intense  silence 
again  for  some  moments,  when  the  gentle  Kate  quietly 
slipped  her  hand  in  his.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  into  her 
half-closed  eyes,  which  were  barren  of  eyelashes. 
"  Well,"  said  he,  "  ef  I  won't  just  be  etarnally  bobbed  ! 
This  do  beat  cock-fighting  !  haw !  haw  !  haw  I  "  She 
smiled  sweetly  in  return,  and  squeezed  his  large  hand 
nervously.  The  laughter  departed  suddenly  from  his 
features ;  and  then  he  broke  out  in  another  laugh. 

"  Say,  pet,"  said  she,  "  have  you  some  wine  ?  " 

"  What  kind  of  wine  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Brandy,"  she  replied. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      79 

"Then  you  will  have  to  ring  for  it,"  she  replied,  as 
she  got  up  and  rung  the  bell  in  the  wall  several  times. 
"Now,  pet,"  said  she,  "I  will  wait  in  the  inner  room 
till  the  waiter  has  brought  it." 

"  I  don't  know  about  this  here,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  do,"  said  she.  "  Sit  down  at  once,  and  don't  be 
a  fool." 

"  Well " 

"  Shut  up  !  "  said  she,  sternly.  At  this  moment  the 
waiter  appeared  at  the  door. 

"  Bring  me  a  bottle  of  brandy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Certainly,  in  a  jiffy,  sir,"  said  the  waiter. 

"  No,  sir,  in  a  bottle,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  waiter.  In  the  meantime  Kate 
Brumlin  had  gone  into  the  inner  apartment.  The 
waiter  now  returned,  and  as  he  placed  the  bottle  of 
brandy  on  the  table  at  the  far  end  of  the  room,  his 
inquisitive  eye  caught  the  outline  of  a  female  figure 
through  the  crack  of  the  door  of  the  inner  chamber, 
the  door  being  partially  open.  At  this,  the  waiter  being 
unable  to  resist  his  natural  impulse  to  laugh,  did  smile 
an  extended  smile  on  either  cheek  from  his  mouth  to  his 
ears,  and  until  all  of  his  teeth  were  visible. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  surveying  him  sternly, 
"is  there  anything  in  this  here  room  of  mine  to  make 
you  go  a-grinning  arter  it  that  barbyrous  way  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  the  waiter.  "  No,  the'  ain't.  The'  ain't 
nothing.  The'  ain't  nothing  at  all.  No,  the'  ain't ; " 
and  he  smiled  another  smile  equally  as  extended  as 
the  first,  after  which  he  remarked  that  he  was  "only 
smilin'  at  nothing,"  whereupon  he  left  the  room. 


80     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

"Well,"  said  the  woman,  her  dress  rustling  as  she 
sailed  into  the  room,  "  that  wretch  has  gone  at  last ! 
Oh  !  pet,  how  he  frightened  me  !  " 

"What  are  you  callin'  me  pet  fur?  Who  give  you 
license  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  at  her  solemnly. 

"Ain't  you  my  pet?"  she  asked. 

"What  should  make  me  arter  bein'  your  pet?" 

"  Oh,  well,  you  are,  anyhow,"  said  she,  as  she  poured 
out  a  full  glass  of  brandy  and  handed  it  to  Mr.  Old 
biegh. 

"  No,"  said  he,  shaking  his  head  gravely  from  side  to 
side,  "  I'd  rather  stay  sober  this  arternoon." 

Kate  Brumlin  looked  at  him  curiously  between  her 
half-closed  lids  for  a  moment.  "  Well,"  said  she,  "  I'll 
taste  it  first,"  and  she  took  a  sip.  "  Now  you'll  drink 
it,  after  that,  pet,"  said  she,  handing  it  to  him  with  a 
smile  on  her  marble  face.  His  gallantry  would  not 
permit  him  to  refuse.  So  he  said,  as  he  drank  it  off: 

"Since  you  have  a-tasted  it,  it's  got  to  be  drank; 
though  I'd  much  rather  not." 

She  then  poured  out  a  full  glass  for  herself,  and  the 
glass  had  no  sooner  touched  her  lips  than  the  liquor 
fell  down  her  throat  like  shot  from  a  shot  tower.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  looked  at  her  in  amazement.  She  poured  out 
another  glass  and  handed  it  to  him. 

"  No,  you  don't,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Without  mak 
ing  any  response  to  this  remark,  the  fascinating  Kate 
put  the  glass  to  her  powdered  lips,  and  the  liquor 
dropped  down  her  throat  again. 

"Now,  pet,"  said  she,  as  she  seated  herself  beside 
him  and  put  her  arm  around  his  waist,  "you  want  me 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      81 

for  your  little  housekeeper;   don't  you,  now?     That's 
ti  darling ;  say  you  do  !  " 

"I  say  I  don't!  "said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  determinedly, 
"darlin'  or  no  darlin' !  " 

The  gentle  Kate  poured  out  another  glass  to  the, 
brim  and  handed  it  to  him. 

"  I  told  you  I  didn't  want  none  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
doggedly. 

She  touched  the  liquor  with  her  lips.  "No  gentle 
man  will  refuse  now,"  she  said,  smiling,  as  she  handed 
it  to  him. 

"Say,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  drank  the  liquor, 
"  what  are  you  arter  ? "  She  made  no  other  answer 
than  by  that  sharp,  ringing,  contemptuous  laugh,  so 
often  uttered  by  masculine  females  in  flyaway  novels. 
She  then  poured  out  another  glass,  put  it  to  her  lips, 
and  the  liquor  dropped  down  her  throat  once  more. 
"  What  a  critter  it  are ! "  murmured  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to 
himself. 

"  Now,  pet,"  said  she,  placing  her  arm  around  his 
waist,  and  drawing  him  close  up  to  her  again,  "  now, 
pet,  you  won't  go  back  on  a  feller ;  you  won't  go  back 
on  your  promise  to  take  me  for  your  little  house 
keeper?" 

"What?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  thunderstruck.  "I 
never  so  much  as  a-whispered  I  wanted  a  housekeeper. 
Not  much !"  said  he.  "No  housekeepers  fur  me!  I 
ruther  think  I'll  keep  a  baching  it!"  and  he  started 
to  rise,  but  his  companion  held  him  fast. 

"  Don't  be  a  fool,  pet  I  "  said  she,  soothingl}-.    "  Who," 
5 


82     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

said  she,  "is  to  take  care  of  your  shirts,  but  your  little 
housekeeper?" 

"  I'll  look  arter  them ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  deter 
minedly. 
•     "  Who'll  brush  the  clothes  of  my  pet?  "  she  asked. 

"I  will,  mum.  I'll  look  arter  them!  "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  "  darned  ef  I  don't." 

"Who'll  darn  his  socks?" 

"I  will,  mum  ;  I'll  darn  um,  or  I'll  fill  the  holes  with 
putty,  darned  ef  I  don't,"  said  he,  more  determinedly. 

"  Who'll  wash  his  clothing?  " 

"  I  will,  mum ;  I'll  scrub  like  a  Chinee  washman 
afore  I  get  any  two-forty  widdyer  to  be  a  doin'  it! 
darned  ef  I  don't." 

"  Well,"  said  his  gentle  companion,  after  dropping 
another  glass  of  liquor  down  her  throat,  "  are  you  going 
back  on  a  feller,  or  are  you  going  to  stand  by  your 
word  as  a  gentleman  ?  " 

"  Well,  mum,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  rising  and  tearing 
himself  from  her  embrace,  "I  aren't  made  no  suspicion 
of  a  promise  to  have  you  or  any  other  woman  for  my 
housekeeper ;  so  ef  it's  all  the  same  to  you  I'll  just  4go 
back  on  a  feller.'  " 

"Do  you  think  I'm  to  be  treated  this  way?"  said 
she,  walking  to  the  door,  which  she  locked,  and  took 
the  key  out. 

"  Give  me  that  'ar'  key ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Never,  you  villain!"  shrieked  his  companion,  in  a 
dulcet  female  note. 

"  Stop  that  'ar'  squawkin' !  v  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  the 
whole  house  will  be  here  all  in  no  time  at  all! " 


MR.  OLDBIKGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      83 

"  Look  here,"  said  his  gentle  companion,  "  one  of  two 
things  is  to  be  did  by  you  ;  and  I'm  not  to  be  fooled 
with,  because  I  can  put  you  into  a  tight  fix  so  quick 
your  head'll  swim;  see?  You  can  just  stand  by  your 
agreement,  or  you  can  pay  me  five  hundred  dollars, 
and  I'll  let  you  go." 

"  Well,  I'll  be  etarnally  darned  !  I'll  just  be  licked 
and  etarnally  bobbed  !  This  beats  all  the  things  I  ever 
seen  or  heard  on,  or  dreamed  on,  or  heard  a  preacher 
preach  onto!  It  beats  cock-fightin' !  It  beats  a  snake 
story !  and  a  fish  story  ain't  no  circumstance  to  you!  " 

"Will  you  pay  what  I  demand? "said  the  other, 
assuming  a  theatrical  air,  as  she  threw  her  left  foot 
forward. 

"  Darned  ef  I  do  ?  Not  a  darned  copper  I  "  said  he, 
firmly. 

"  All  right !  "  said  the  female  as  firmly,  and  she  began 
to  tear  her  dress  to  strips.  After  tearing  her  dress,  she 
grasped  Mr.  Oldbiegh  around  the  neck,  and  the  harder 
he  struggled  to  release  himself,  the  more  tenaciously 
she  held  on ;  and  the  more  he  ordered  her  to  "stop  her 
darned  squawkin', "  the  louder  she  shrieked.  In  a 
moment  the  whole  crowd  of  lodgers  were  at  his  door, 
hammering  upon  it,  shouting,  and  demanding  entrance  ; 
while  several  persons  ran  to  the  front  windows  of  the 
hotel,  and,  with  their  heads  thrust  out  into  the  street, 
blew  with  the  full  strength  of  their  lungs  several  shrill 
police  whistles;  while  over  and  above  the  whole  din 
and  hubbub  rose  loud  and  long  the  dulcet  note  of  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  companion.  A  stout  policeman,  with  a 
greasy  coat  and  a  hungry  expression,  soon  worked  his 


84        MR.    OLDBIEGIl's    FURTHER    ADVENTURES. 

way  through  the  crowd  of  chattering  and  gesticulating 
females  outside,  and  opened  the  door  by  falling  against 
it  with  his  shoulder.  He  jumped  upon  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  attempted  to  throw  him  to  the  floor;  but  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  feeling  that  somehow  or  other  injustice  was  being 
done  to  him,  and  angered  by  such  rhetorical  flourishes 
as  "  ugly  brute  !  "  "  wicked  wretch  !  "  "  oh,  the  mon 
ster  ! "  "horrid  creature  !  "  which  came  from  the  mouths 
of  the  many  females  around,  he  drew  back  his  right 
arm  and  struck  the  policeman  a  blow  below  the  waist, 
which  landed  him  in  a  sitting  posture  in  the  corner, 
with  an  unhappy  expression  on  his  face.  The  police 
man  started  to  draw  his  pistol. 

"None  of  that  'ar'  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh;  "ef  you 
commence  a  poppin'  at  me  you'll  end  in  convertin' 
some  of  these  yer  women  and  children  into  corpses; 
that's  all !  "  The  crowd  around  the  door  precipitately 
fled,  notwithstanding  the  fact  that  the  women  were 
intensely  anxious  to  witness  the  further  proceedings. 
"  Now,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  ef  I've  got  to  be  arrested 
and  you  aren't  too  sick  at  the  stomach,  go  ahead  and 
arrest  me  like  a  white  man;  but  don't  jump  atop  o' 
me  like  a  darned  Chinee  heathen !  " 

The  policeman  got  up  and  before  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was 
aware  of  what  he  was  doing,  the  spring  locks  of  a 
couple  of  handcuffs  clicked  over  his  wrists.  This 
outraged  Mr.  Oldbiegh  very  much;  and  the  appear 
ance  of  the  contemptuous  features  of  Mr.  Oldwhistle 
in  the  crowd  of  females,  who  had  come  back  to  the 
door,  angered  him  still  more.  When  that  little  person- 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      85 

age  joined  the  women  in  calling  him  a  "low  wretch" 
and  a  "  contemptible  creature,"  his  wrath  knew  no 
bounds;  and  when  Mr.  Oldwhistle  came  rather  close 
to  him,  with  the  exclamation,  "  Yaller  dog !  Little  Var- 
miri !  "  Mr.  Oldbiegh  sprang  at  him  and  tried  to  hit 
him  with  his  cuffed  hands.  The  little  man  succeeded 
in  nimbly  skipping  out  of  the  way. 

Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  had  just  arisen  from  the  card- 
table,  where  he  had  succeeded  in  capturing  the  total 
stakes  of  some  six  or  seven  ruddy  gentlemen,  late  of 
the  rural  districts;  as  he  had  nothing  further  of  partic 
ular  importance  to  engage  his  mind,  he  was  about  to 
go  into  the  fresh  air  for  the  two-fold  purpose  of  taking 
physical  exercise  and  getting  out  of  the  company  of 
the  several  persons  with  empty  pockets  and  rueful 
faces,  (for  his  knowledge  of  human  nature  had  taught 
him  that  such  persons  are  not  always  livel}r,  sparkling 
and  witty  companions),  when  hearing  the  noise  above, 
he  looked  up  and  saw  the  white  waistcoat  and  burly 
form  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh  coming  down  the  stairway,  with 
his  hands  chained  together  in  front  of  him.  On  look 
ing  more  closely  he  noticed  that  a  policeman  seemed 
to  have  become  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  constant  companion, 
that  he  held  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  arm  with  apparent  affec 
tion,  and  that  this  policeman  continually  glanced  back 
at  the  excited  crowd  of  women  who  followed,  and  as 
often  ordered  them  back;  in  the  centre  of  this  crowd 
Mr.  Geseign  noticed  the  excessively  disagreeable  fea 
tures  and  the  molasses-candy  colored  hair  of  that  little 
scientific  luminary,  Mr.  Oldwhistle. 


86     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

Mr.  Geseign  was  astonished  beyond  description  ;  and 
rushing  up  to  the  policeman  who  had  brass  buttons  on 
his  blue  coat,  he  exclaimed:  "I  say — Buttons — what  is 
— the  cause — -of  this  fiendish  tumult?  What  does — it 
mean  ?  Tell  me — I  demand  !  " 

"  Well,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  this  yer  comes 
along  of  bein'  found  in  the  same  room  with  a  squawk- 
in'  two-forty  widdyer;  and  since  she's  played  her  cards, 
I'm  darned  ef  a  man  don't  deserve  to  be  convicted  and 
hung  up  for  murder  for  ever  lettin'  one  of  'em  into  his 
room.  A  two-forty  widdyer,  like  this  yer,  is  worse 
nor  a  grizzly  bar,  a  darned  sight;  but,  Tommy,  ef 
you'll  do  your  father's  old  chum  just  one  little  piece  of 
kindness  afore  he's  locked  up,  I'm  not  the  man  to  for 
get  a  friend  or  a  favor.  All  I  ask  is  that  you'll  polish 
off  that  'ar'  little  varmin  a  creepin'  on  behind,  that  'ar' 
little  yaller  dog  I  Just  clean  the  little  critter  out, 
Tommy !  You'll  find  him  hid  away  among  these  yer 
indignant  females." 

The  crowd  followed  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  the  entrance  to 
the  City  Prison,  where  they  were  compelled  to  stop, 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  conducted  through  a  dark 
asphaltum-floored  passage-way,  his  heavy  steps  making 
hollow  sounds  in  this  underground  place.  They 
stopped  in  front  of  a  wall  made  of  heavy  black  iron 
bars,  which,  as  it  had  lately  been  painted,  had  a  smell 
of  tar.  The  dim  light  of  the  gas  which  burned  inside 
of  this  wall  showed  a  gray  •!/ aired  man,  in  his  vest  and 
shirt-sleeves,  on  the  inside,  with  an  enormous  key  in 
his  hand.  He  turned  back  the  big  lock  in  the  iron 


MR.  OLPBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      87 

frame  door,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  walked  through,  when 
the  heavy  door  was  swung  behind  him. 

Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh  was  in  prison  !  He  was  caged 
like  a  wild  beast!  The  residence  of  felons!  Worse 
than  this,  he  was  charged  by  a  powdered  widow  with 
being  one  of  the  number  !  His  eyes  dilated  with  anger. 

A  long  line  of  cells  was  to  his  left,  the  front  faces 
whereof  were  composed  of  upright  iron  rods,  and  these 
cells  were  separated  from  each  other  by  solid  walls. 

In  the  first  cell  were  fifteen  or  twenty  women  with 
swollen  faces,  black  eyes  and  rags  around  their  heads. 
Some,  with  the  hair  hanging  down  over  their  faces, 
were  dressed  in  rags.  Others  were  sitting  on  the 
wooden  benches  and  others  lying  on  the  floor,  but  par 
tially  concealing  their  bodies.  "There  goes  an  old 
guy !  "  said  one,  pointing  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Old 
biegh  was  left  standing  in  front  of  this  cell,  and  when 
he  looked  into  it  (for  although  there  was  a  screen  in 
front  of  it,  the  cell  was  not  wholly  concealed),  he 
noticed  a  withered  and  lean  old  woman,  with  wrinkles 
on  her  face  and  a  cut  under  her  eye,  dancing  a  clog 
dance  on  the  floor.  A  little  torn  straw  hat  but  imper 
fectly  hid  her  gray  hair.  She  had  evidently  been  a 
ballet-dancer  in  the  days  gone  by ;  and  when  she 
noticed  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  watching  her,  she 
threw  one  foot  forward  and  drew  her  dress  up  to  her 
knee  as  she  had  done  in  the  days  of  her  youth  and 
beauty.  An  old  negro  woman  in  the  same  cell  was 
sedately  stepping  over  the  bodies  of  her  prostrate  com 
panions,  as  she  carelessly  wandered  around  like  a  wild 
beast,  chanting  a  wild  chant  in  her  native  African  dia- 


88        MR.    OLDBIEGR  S    FURTHER   ADVENTURES. 

lect  as  she  walked.  "  Hello !  Charley,"  said  a  blear- 
eyed  woman,  lifting  herself  from  the  floor  by  grasping 
the  bars  of  the  cell  and  addressing  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
44  Hello  !  Charley !  There's  my  Charley  out  there  !  " 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  turned  away,  not  feeling  complimented  at 
being  taken  for  her  44  Charley." 

The  officer  now  conducted  him  by  a  cell  in  which 
were  fifteen  or  twenty  male  drunks,  all  lying  in  a 
loathsome  mass,  or  sitting  with  their  melancholy  and 
repentant  visages  between  their  hands,  or  standing 
amidst  the  prostrate  bodies  of  their  companions.  An 
other  cell  was  passed  in  which  ten  or  fifteen  young 
men  of  that  class  known  as  44  toughs "  were  deeply 
engaged  in  the  popular  amusement  of  blowing  a  mix 
ture  of  cigarette  smoke  and  bad  breath  from  their 
lungs.  Other  cells  were  passed  in  which  were  little 
children,  who  were  so  young  that  they  had  about  as 
much  knowledge  of  the  nature  of  a  crime  as  they  had 
capacity  to  explain  the  Binomial  theorem.  By  their 
expressions,  however,  it  was  evident  that  some  of  them 
had  a  pretty  thorough  knowledge  of  the  nature  of  an 
oath. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  put  in  a  cell  opposite  to  one  in 
wvnich  was  an  unpleasant  looking  Mexican  charged 
with  murder,  who  during  the  whole  afternoon  persisted 
in  gazing  steadily  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and,  as  Mr.  Old 
biegh  thought,  with  a  bloodthirsty  look  on  his  face. 

The  only  person  in  the  cell  with  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  a 
little  man  with  a  hawk's  face — a  face  which  had  this 
appearance,  because  his  nose  was  hooked.  After  sur 


MR.    OLDBIKGIl's    FURTHER    ADVENTURES.         89 

veying  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  his  head  on  one  side,  like  a 
bird,  he  said:  "  Ain't  you  Bill  the  Plug?" 

"No,  sir!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  sharply. 

44  Ah!  I  thought  you  was.  You  look  just  like  him," 
said  the  little  man.  After  a  short  time  he  looked  up 
into  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face  again,  and  said:  "You  ain't 
Pete  Simpson,  the  cracksman,  are  you  ? ' 

44  No  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  shortly. 

44  You  look  just  like  him,  too,"  said  the  other.  The 
little  man  was  lost  in  thought  for  some  moments. 
44  Say ! "  said  he,  at  last,  with  the  same  bird  look, 
44  you  ain't  Wheeler,  the  strangle?  ?" 

44  No,  sir !  "  was  the  reply. 

44  Well,  then,  who  the  deuce  are  you?"  said  the  little 
man,  with  astonishment. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  at  him  with  anger  in  his  large 
blue  eyes.  44Do  I  look  like  a  darned  murderer?"  he 
asked. 

44  No,"  said  the  little  man,  timidly,  44but  you  can't 
go  by  looks,  you  know.  Say ! — what  is  your  profes 
sion,  anyhow?  I'm  a  sneak.  That's  my  line.  Are 
you  a  sneak  or  a  cracksman?" 

44  No,  sir,  I  aren't,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  Not  in  the  confidence  line?"  said  the  little  man, 
looking  up  inquisitively  into  his  face. 

44  Well,  now,  pard,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I  dunno  but 
you've  struck  onto  it  at  last.  Too  much  confidence  of 
a  two-forty  widdyer!" 

44-Ah !  you  worked  it  together!"  said  the  little  man. 

"Well,  pard,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  hearty  smile 
on  his  features,  44I  ruther  think  she  worked  it  as  much 


00  MIL  OLDBIKGH'S  FURTHER  ADVKNTURKS. 

alone  as  anything  I  ever  seen,  darned  ef  I  don't!  She 
just  beat  cock  fightin'  all  holler  !  " 

At  this  moment  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  name  was  called  out, 
and  he  answered  "  Here." 

44  Miss  Morthington  wants  to  see  you,"'  said  a  turnkey 
in  a  blue  flannel  shirt,  as  he  unlocked  the  cell  door, 
44  Just  take  a  seat  in  that  chair  there." 

A  very  pretty  young  girl  of  seventeen  now  came  up 
to  him. 

44  I'm  Miss  Morthington,"  said  the  young  lad}',  44and 

1  belong  to  the  Sisters  of  Zion." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  not  understand  her.  44  Whose  sis 
ter  did  you  say  you  was,  little  one?"  said  he,  as  he 
topk  a  seat  beside  her. 

44 1  belong  to  a  religious  society,"  said  she. 

44  Yes,  I  see,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  And  Zion's  the 
town  whar'  you're  located.  I  think  I  drove  through 
Zion  in  early  days  in  a  stage  coach.  It's  in  San  Diego 
county,  ain't  it?  " 

44  No,  no  !  "  said  the  you.ng  lady,  in  a  pitying  tone  of 
voice,  and  she  added  in  a  whisper:  44Zion  is  Heaven." 

44  Well,  I'.ll  be  bobbed  !  haw !  haw !  "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh.  "  I'd  a  oughter  know'd  that." 

44  Are  you  a  Christian  ?  "  asked  the  young  lad}%  sadly. 

44  Well,  Miss — I  beg  yer  pardon,  mum — 1  didn't 
drop  onto  your  name." 

44  Morthington,"  said  the  young  lady. 

44  Miss  Morthington,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  4'ef  you 
mean  do  I  b'long  to  any  church,  I'll  have  to  tell  you 
the  truth — I  aren't  been  inside  of  one,  and  I  aren't 
seen  a  parson  at  his  reg'lar  business  for  twenty-two 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.     91 

year.  But  ef  you  mean  do  I  believe  in  doirT  what's 
right,  just  and  proper,  and  in  helpin'  another  man 
along  the  road  what  has  fallen  by  the  way,  I  say  yes, 
eveiy  time ;  though  I  may  have  been  very  imperfect 
in  acting  up  to  my  beliefs,  I'm  sincere  in  what  I've 
said,  and  to  do  good  is  my  catechism." 

"But  don't  you  feel  the  enormity  of  your  crimes?" 

"Why,  bless  your  heart,  little  one,  I  never  felt  the 
enormity  of  nothing,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  laughing 
heartily.  "I'm  not  a  walkin'  murderer,  a  trav°,llin' 
burglar,  a  robber,  a  thief,  or  such  an  etarnal  old  villain 
as  you  seem  to  have  took  me  for.  I'm  bluff  old  Ju- 
nyers  Oldbiegh.  That  'ar's  what  I  am.  And  this  yer 
pretty  little  gal  a-takin'  me  for  a  personyfied  old 
scoundrel,  haw !  haw  !  " 

"Do  you  say  your  prayers?"  asked  the  young  lady, 
in  a  melancholy  tone. 

"  Do  I  say  my  prayers,  arter  all  ? "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  solemnly.  "It's  not  a  subject  to  be  spoken  of. 
Now,  let  me  give  you  a  piece  of  advice.  You've  got  a 
pretty  face,  and  I'll  swear  to  it  it's  honest ;  but  the 
trouble  is  you've  got  to  runnin'  with  hypocrites,  and 
nobody  can  stay  honest  as  runs  with  them."  As  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  concluded,  he  drew  out  his  red-bordered  silk 
handkerchief  and  wiped  the  perspiration  from  his 
forehead. 

Just  at  this  moment  the  policeman  who  had  arrested 
him  came  up  and  said  :  "  I  want  you  to  go  with  me." 

"Here,"  said  the  young  lady,  "is  a  bouquet  from 
our  pastor,  Brother  Slinkey ;  he  wanted  me  to  present 
'it  to  you,  ior  he  inquired  about  you  when  he  saw  you 


92     MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

taken  into  the  prison,  and  told  me  to  tell  you  to  think 
over  the  enormity  of  your  sins  and  pray  for  forgive 
ness:  and  he  sends  his  brotherly  love  with  these 
flowers." 

"  You  tell  him,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "that  as  fur  the 
enormity  of  my  sins,  it's  the  law  of  America  that  no 
man  is  guilty  'till  it's  proved  on  him.  And  as  fur  Ids 
love,  since  he  don't  know  me,  are  you  sure,  little  one, 
he  loves  me  so  dearly?  Ask  him  to  loan  me  two  dol 
lars.  I'm  in  need  of  the  money.  Et'  the  flowers  was 
from  you,  it  would  be  a  horse  of  another  color.  I'd 
put  'em  in  my  trunk  and  keep  'em  forty  year;  but  you 
tell  that  'ar'  Slinkey  I  don't  want  no  roses  from  him  !  " 

It  was  with  difficulty  the  young  lady  heard  the  last 
words,  for  the  policeman  was  leading  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
away.  He  was  conducted  to  the  Rogues'  Gallery  and 
they  were  about  to  take  his  picture,  when  he  discov 
ered  what  was  goin^  on.  He  sprang  from  his  chair 
like  an  enraged  tige.1,  his  eyes  blazing  with  fire.  The 
portrait  of  Junius  Oldbiegh  among  a  lot  of  rogues! 
It  was  a  terrible  outrage  !  As  he  stood  with  his  head 
thrown  back,  he  presented  a  picture  worthier  of  a 
place  in  a  gallery  of  art  than  in  a  gallery  of  criminals. 

The  officer  called  on  the  photographer  to  assist  him, 
his  object  being  to  fasten  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  his  chair, 
but,  although  bis  hands  were  manacled,  he  threw  the 
photographer  to  the  end  of  the  room.  With  the  police 
man  he  struggled  desperately,  upsetting  a  glass  case 
full  of  rogues  with  distorted  countenances  in  one  of 
the  rounds,  f,nd  cutting  his  wrists  during  the  course  of. 
the  struggle.  Although  the  policeman  threatened  to 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      93 

kill  him  and  struck  him  several  blows  on  the  head  with 
his  club,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  kept  up  the  fight  with  great 
bravery  and  danced  around  the  room  in  an  astonishing 
manner.  After  getting  back  his  breath,  the  officer 
again  attempted  to  fasten  him  in  position.  Another 
struggle  ensued,  during  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  the 
audacity  to  kick  the  policeman  in  the  stomach  three 
times  in  rapid  succession.  At  last  the  officer  fastened 
him  in  the  chair,  but  Mr.  Oldbiegh  persisted  in  making 
such  hideous  faces  at  the  photographer  and  the  guar 
dian  of  the  peace  that  they  postponed  proceedings 
until  another  day,  and  he  was  conveyed  back  to  the 
jail. 

When  he  got  there  he  found  that  Mr.  Thomas  Ge- 
seign  had  procured  two  men  who,  for  and  in  consider 
ation  of  twenty  dollars  to  them  in  hand  paid,  had 
bailed  him  out.  Being  a  free  man,  he  went  with  Mr. 
Geseign  to  a  drug  store,  in  which  a  very  particular 
friend  of  the  latter  was  clerk,  and  this  person  put 
some  lint  and. salve  over  the  wounded  wrists,  and  they 
thereupon  returned  to  the  hotel  where  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
took  a  warm  bath  and  put  on  a  complete  new  set  of 
underclothing.  After  this  he  sat  in  his  room,  smoking 
his  pipe,  and  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  was  perched  on  the 
washstand  opposite  to  him. 

u  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  perceived  a 
female  face  looking  through  the  transom  over  the  door, 
u  please  have  the  kindness  to  put  a  blanket  across  that 
'ar'  transom,  or  there'll  be  another  widdyer  a-hoppin' 
through  and  a-tearin' at  me!"  After  this  had  been 
done,  Mr.  Oldbeigh  looked  at  Mr.  Geseign  gravely 


94      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

for  a  few  moments,  as  if  studying  his  face.  "Tommy," 
said  he,  taking  his  pipe  from  his  mouth,  "  would 
you  mind  sleeping  in  this  here  inner  room?  For  if 
anything  happens,  I  want  corroborative  evidence!  " 

"  Certainly,  I'll  sleep  there,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  The 
prospect — is  cheerful.  The  view — pleasing  to  a  poeti 
cal  mind.  The  grand — old  mountains — over  the  bay. 
The  grand — old  islands — in  the  bay.  The  grand — old 
shipping — on  the  bay.  The  ships — like  things  of  life. 
The  consumptive  ferry — that  wheezes — to  Berkeley. 
The  grand — old  ruin — across  the  street.  The  grand — 
old  woman — flirting  at  the  window — another  ancient 
ruin  !  Rincon  hill  to  the  right.  Barbary  coast  to  the 
left.  A  muscular  Irishman — over  the  way.  Beautiful 
prospect!  Lovely  scene — to  a  poetical  mind.  Come 
here,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  who  was  now  looking  down 
at  the  sidewalk.  "  Do  you  see  that  creachaw  ?  Is  his 
appearance  fam-i-liah  ?  "  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  in  the 
direction  indicated  by  the  finger  of  his  companion,  and 
saw  an  individual  standing  in  front  of  a  cigar  store 
across  the  street,  dressed  in  a  suit  of  clothes  exactly 
similar  in  all  respects  to  the  one  he  had  purchased  the 
day  before ;  and  upon  looking  more  closely  at  him,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  perceived  that  he  was  a  man  he  had  seen 
about  the  hotel  several  times.  "Your  double,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign.  "  To-day  he  has  been  taken  for  you — • 
quite  often.  On  your  account,  the  women  have 
hissed  him,  and  called  him — unpleasant  names  !  " 

"  Well,  I'll  swan  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  ef  that  'ar 
ain't  my  soot  of  clothes  !  The  varmin  has  got  on  my 
snob  hat,  too  1  Bobbed  ef  he  aren't !  " 


MR.  OL&BIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      95 

"He's /nit,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "in  borrowed — glory. 
He  wears — your  feathers.  And  they  fit  him — too  quick. 
Especially — the  pants.  You — he  thinks — are  a  guest 
of  the  State.  Your  meals  are  free.  Your  lodgings — 
he  thinks — are  prepaid  by  your  friend — the  State.  You 
— he  thinks — will  pay — no  taxes.  You — he  thinks — 
will  pay — no  water-bill.  You — he  thinks — the  people 
will  furnish  with  the  latest  style —of  variegated  cloth 
ing.  You — he  thinks — are  favored — too  highly — by 
the  people.  They  provide  for  all  your  wants.  You 
have  enough — and  to  spare.  Therefore — he  thinks — 
he  will  take — your  clothes.  He  is  a  philosopher.  His 
thoughts  are  deep." 

"  I'll  go  and  have  him  took  up  !  I'll  teach  the  crit 
ter  to  go  a-philosophizing  with  my  togs ! "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  starting  to  rise. 

"No,  no,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  patting  his  shoulde 
"Let  him  alone  ;  it  was  a  kindly  act.     He  is — unr.-n- 
sciously — your  friend.     If  you  would  see  him— pun 
ished,  let  him  wear  them.     It  will  terminate — fatally — 
some  day ! " 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  what  am  I  to  do  fur 
snob  togs?  I'm  in  need  on 'em  to  go  to  the  'Convivials' 
to-night." 

"  Come  with  me  to  little  Neddy — my  friend — a  tailor. 
The  ninth  part  of  a  man  is  therefore  small — quite  so. 
He  will  fit  you  out  to  kill — pathetic  hearts.  For  you 
old  maids  will — sigh.  For  you  mothers  will  grow — 
envious.  For  you  maidens — sweet  creachaws  —  will 
proceed — to  languish.  For  you  widows  will — die  I  " 

"If  it'll  kill  off  vviddyers,  Tommy,  and  I  wouldn't 


96      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

raind  addin'  mothers-in-law,  from  the  fearful  tales  what 
I've  heard  of  them,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I'll  spend  all 
I've  got  for  it,  and  borry  enough  for  grub  !  " 

"  Correct,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Come  with  me," 
and  he  ran  his  arm  through  Mr.  Oldbiegh's,  and  they 
went  to  the  clothing  store,  where  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was 
fitted  out  in  a  handsome  broadcloth  suit;  but  although 
the  clerk  who  waited  on  him  wanted  him  to  wear  the 
black  vest  which  went  with  the  coat,  he  persisted  in 
wearing  his  white  vest.  His  companion  next  took  him 
to  a  shoe  store,  where  he  bought  some  long  pointed- 
toed  button  shoes,  with  green  cloth  tops.  They  were 
now  on  Kearney  street.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  looking  into 
all  the  shop  windows  as  they  walked  slowly  along,  when 
suddenly  he  stopped  in  front  of  one  in  which  hung  a, 
number  of  silver  and  gold  watches,  to  which  were  at 
tached  pieces  of  paper  on  which  the  prices  were  marked. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  attention  was  attracted  by  all  of  these, 
but  an  expression  of  delight  soon  came  over  his  face, 
and  his  eyes  became  riveted  on  a  gold  scarf-pin,  the 
head  of  which  consisted  of  a  golden  monkey  with 
green  eyes.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  so  greatly  pleased  with 
the  design  that  he  entered  the  store  and  purchased  it 
at  onctj,  and  stuck  it  into  the  centre  of  his  shirt-bosom. 
His  eye  was  next  attracted  by  the  largest  silver  watch 
in  the  place,  a  stem-winder,  about  two  and  a  half  inches 
in  diameter. 

"  That  watch  looks  as  if  it  had  strength  enough  to 
go,"  said  he. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  jeweller. 

He  purchased  it  against  the  protests  of  his  compaD 


MR.  OLDBIKGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      97 

ion,  who  wanted  him  to  get  a  smaller  watch.  He 
replied  that  he  wanted  one  that  had  strength  enough 
"  to  go,  and  keep  a  goin'."  The  small  one  he  bought, 
and  forced  Mr.  Geseign  to  accept  it  as  a  present.  It 
was  a  neat  gold  watch. 

Although  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  wrists  were  sore,  and 
although  he  was  feeling  somewhat  unwell  on  account 
of  the  excitement  of  the  day,  when  the  time  came  he 
accompanied  Mr.  Geseign  to  the  "  Grotto."  On  the 
road  Mr.  Geseign  performed  many  fantastic  and  curious 
feats,  which  added  to  the  amusement  of  his  companion. 
Amongst  other  things,  he  seemed  to  take  great  delight 
in  winking  in  the  most  audacious  manner  at  the  hand 
some  shop-girls  who  were  returning  from  their  work. 
One  pretty  girl  was  coming  toward  him,  and  as  she 
continued  to  approach,  he  gazed  steadily  at  her  feet. 
She  glanced  down  at  her  feet  often,  and  at  the  front  of 
her  dress;  when  they  had  passed  by,  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
looked  back  and  saw  that  the  girl  had  stopped  and  was 
examining  them  carefully. 

"  Beautiful  example,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  of  woman's 
— curiosity." 

44 1  kinder  think,  arter  all,  you're  a  pretty  hard  case," 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  deny — the  soft  impeachment ;  I  repel  it — with 
scorn  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  I  am  soft.  When  a  child 
I  was  all — innocence.  My  mind — a  mass  of  commin 
gled  simplicity — of  purity  and  truth.  In  church — I 
never  dozed.  At  Sunday  school — I  captured  the  cards. 
I  never  once  traded  them  —  for  marbles,  like  other 
6 


98      MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVKNTURKS. 

wicked  little  boys.  At  the  end  of  the  year — for  them 
— I  obtained  a  hymnal. 

"My  childish  kings — for  months  after — on  balmy 
mornings — might  have  been  heard  trilling  l  Old  Hun 
dred  ' — like  a  young — and  religious — bird.  All  nature 
smiled. 

"As  a  child,  I  never  chewed  that  filthy  weed  — 
tobacco. 

"  I  remember  the  day  I  took — my  first  oath  :  I  had 
struck  my  thumb — with  a  hammer.  The  oath  was — a 
mild  one,  quite  mild.  In  time — I  rose — in  the  scale. 
My  oaths  grew  more  manly — and  solemn.  I  now  used 
them — on  minor  occasions.  One  soft  Sunday  morning 
— early  in  June — I  finished  my  training.  I  had  learned 
— the  latest  one  out.  It  shocked  my  nerves — it  shook 
my  frame.  I  survived — and  here  I  am — to  tell  the 
tale ! " 

Mr.  Geseign  was  dressed  in  his  best  that  evening, 
and  with  a  five-cent  cigar  slanting  up  from  the  left 
corner  of  his  mouth  he  was  happy.  His  shoes  had 
their  toes  polished  for  the  occasion,  and  Becky,  after 
tying  his  blue  silk  cravat,  had  swept  down  his  clothes 
with  a  new  broom.  He  wore  his  yellow-striped  panta 
loons,  and  on  his  back  he  had  a  double-breasted  blue 
coat,  the  tails  of  which  were  rather  short  and  some 
what  ragged,  but  the  coat  was  well  brushed.  On  his 
head  was  a  "stove-pipe  "  hat  of  enormous  size,  the  broad 
brim  of  which  rested  upon  his  ears.  They  reached  the 
"Grotto."  Somebody  np  stairs  was  singing  a  song 
and  accompanying  himself  on  a  banjo.  The  window 
curtain  being  up,  the  shoulders  of  a  slim  young  man, 


MR.  OLDBIEGTT'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.      99 

leaning  against  the  sill,  were  visible,  and  by  the  light 
within  a  round  red  face,  terminated  by  a  gray  goatee, 
might  be  seen.  They  walked  up  the  stairway,  and  this 
personage, .who  had  recognized  the  face  of  Mr.  Geseign 
in  the  front  garden,  came  to  the  head  of  the  steps  to 
meet  them. 

"  Well,  my  young  blue-blooded  snob  !  "  said  this  indi 
vidual,  addressing  Mr.  Geseign,  "  how  are  you,  any 
how?" 

"  That's  just  it,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  I'm  about — • 
five  feet — eight.  How — are  you  ?  " 

"  Hearty,"  was  the  reply. 

"My  friend  —  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  —  my 
friend,  Mr.  Barium.  Know  each  other;  that's  a  good 
—fellow  !  Where's  Sammy  ?  " 

"  There  he  is,"  said  Mr.  Barium,  pointing  proudly  to 
a  slender  young  man  with  long  light  hair  and  a  sallow 
countenance,  who,  with  his  arms  folded,  was  leaning 
against  the  window  sill. 

"  The  cheekiest  young  man  in  San  Francisco,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign,  turning  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  My  friend — 
Barium's  boy.  A  cheeky — phenomenon  !  " 

"  I  should  say  he  was  !  "  said  Mr.  Barium,  enthusias 
tically.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  on  looking  at  the  young  man, 
perceived  that  he  was  calmly  amusing  himself  by  gaz 
ing  at  him  with  a  cast-iron  stare,  and  an  expression  of 
deep  study  on  his  face.  "  That  boy  of  mine  makes  me 
feel  proud,"  said  Mr.  Barium,  as  Mr.  Geseign  walked 
away  to  shake  hands  with  a  group  of  gentlemen  on  the 
other  side  of  the  room.  "  I  may  say  his  edication  is 
totally  completed.  I  may  say  what  lie  ain't  up  to  it 


100    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

ain't  worth  no  manfs  while  to  learn,  for  it  ain't  worth 
knowing ;  if  it  was  he'd  a  learned  it.  And  now  he's 
settled,  he's  one  of  the  best  young  men  in  town.  The 
other  young  men  can't  hold  a  Christmas  candle  to  him. 
He'd  scorn  himself  if  he  couldn't  beat  them.  And  as 
for  cheek — though  they  are  cheeky — I  don't  deny  it, 
Oldbiegh,  I  don't  deny  it ! — he  beats  them  holler. 

"  There  used  to  be  no  hole  in  San  Francisco  that  boy 
couldn't  creep  through.  When  he  was  up  to  games 
with  the  other  boys,  the  policemen  were  awfully  fooled 
on  Sammy.  They  used  to  think  they'd  caught  him 
sometimes.  But  it  was  all  a  mistake.  When  they'd 
reach  out  to  nab  him,  he'd  always  find  a  hole,  and  when 
they'd  put  down  their  hands,  they'd  find  a  leetle  hole 
and  Sammy  gone." 

"  How  old  is  the  critter?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"You  wouldn't  think  it,"  said  Mr.  Barium ;  "he's 
only  twenty-one  and  a  voter,  though  he's  voted  often 
before,  because  he's  got  the  expression  of  a  man  of 
forty  on  his  face,  and  he's  learned  things  men  of  eighty 
actually  never  dropped  onto  yet." 

44  He  has  a  quiet  look,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  Quiet?"  said  the  other.  "He's  just  got  married; 
he's  fearfully  subdued  ;  but  a  graveyard  is  nowhere  to 
Sammy,  when  it's  his  desire  to  be  quiet.  And  sly? 
That  boy  beats  a  weasel  all  to  nothing.  But  he  always 
was  a  good  boy,  when  he  was  young.  There  was  no 
petty  larceny  about  him — no  stealing — and  he  scorned 
lying.  That  boy  never  told  me  a  lie  in  his  life — not 
that  I  know  of.  The  only  rough  business  he  ever  done 
was  merely  in  playfulness,  such  as  neatly  polishing  off 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.    101 

an  ugly  acquaintance,  or  getting  the  policeman  after 
his  gang,  and  running  in  front  of  him  and  tripping  him 
up.  Now  he's  settled  down  to  business  ;  and  in  our 
profession,  which  is  even  a  cheekier  profession  than  a 
lawyer's,  he's  the  acknowledged  leader.  Look  at  his 
face,"  said  the  father,  his  ruddy  countenance  beaming 
with  a  proud  smile;  " ain't  it  just  covered  an  inch  deep 
with  pure  and  simple  cheek?  " 

"  That  'ar'd  be  my  judgment,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

u  Of  course  it  is  !  "  said  the  proud  father  ;  "  and  that 
boy  can  drink  more  beer,  and  keep  smiling  all  the  time, 
and  never  feel  it,  than  any  two  hundred  and  forty 
pound  Dutchman  what's  just  out  from  Germany.  Yes, 
he  can  ! "  At  this  moment  the  young  man  referred  to 
took  a  banjo,  which  was  handed  to  him,  and  while  he 
beat  time  with  his  foot,  rattled  away  on  an  Irish  jig  at 
tremendous  rate.  "  Hear  him  !  just  hear  him  !  He'd 
pull  music  out  of  the  head  of  a  salmon  barrel!"  said 
the  father,  with  delight. 

For  some  unaccountable  reason  the  dinner  had  been 
delayed,  and  several  waiters,  who  were  in  neat  white 
aprons,  and  whose  heads  had  a  loud  and  distinct  odor 
of  bear's  oil,  were  rushing  to  and  fro  nervously  and 
excitedly,  which  caused  them  to  stumble  over  the  ex 
tended  legs  and  large  feet  of  the  various  gentlemen 
present,  for  which  unfortunate  occurrences  the  waiters 
profoundly  apologized. 

A  little  black-haired  runner  had  suggested  that 
while  they  were  waiting  for  the  dinner,  Sammy  should 
tune  up  the  banjo  which  he  had  brought  with  him,  by 
special  request,  and  pursuant  to  a  resolution  passed  in 


102     MR.    OLDBIEGIl's   FURTHER   ADVENTURES. 

due  form  at  the*  last  meeting  of  the  club.  The  mem 
bers  of  the  association  soon  formed  in  a  circle  around 
the  musician,  and  with  their  hands  clasped  beneath 
their  coat-tails  enjoyed  the  music  immensely.  It  was 
not  long  before  they  began  to  keep  time  with  their  feet, 
and  one  grave-looking  gentleman  could  not  resist  a 
violent  inclination  to  dance  a  shuffle.  As  the  others 
silently  made  room  for  him,  he  gradually  worked  his 
way  to  a  position  in  front  of  the  musician,  where  he 
shuffled  away,  with  a  solemn  expression  on  his  face,  at 
such  a  rate  and  with  such  earnestness  that  the  perspi 
ration  rolling  down  his  neck  took  all  the  stiffening  out 
of  his  collar. 

The  music  enlivened  the  whole  company,  and  as  the 
first  course  was  now  on  the  table  the  crowd  that  drew 
up  their  chairs  and  sat  down  was  indeed  a  merry  one. 
As  a  proof  of  this,  the  decanter  of  claret  starting  from 
one  end  of  the  board  reached  the  other  and  made  the 
whole  circuit  with  astonishing  rapidity,  and  during  its 
progress  the  wine  had  been  entirely  extracted  by  the 
44  Convivials."  And  it  was  but  a  few  moments  before 
the  members  of  the  club  at  different  parts  of  the  table 
were  clinking  their  glasses  together,  thereby  making  a 
music  which  was  enchanting  to  their  ears;  and  the 
music  thus  produced  chimed  in  beautifully  with  the 
jolly  merriment  on  all  of  the  faces  of  the  persons  pres 
ent,  with  one  exception.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  whose  counte 
nance  was  beaming  with  good  nature  from  top  to 
bottom,  and  from  side  to  side  and  lengthwise  and 
crosswise  and  diagonally,  had  just  raised  his  glass  of 
claret  to  his  lips  when  the  good  nature  departed  from 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.    103 

his  face ;  he  placed  his  glass  upon  the  table,  and  turn 
ing  slowly  around  to  Mr.  Geseign,  who,  while  he  sat 
on  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  right,  kept  the  company  in  a  roar, 
he  said  :  "  Tommy,  it's  here.  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
in  a  solemn  whisper,  "that  'ar'  varmin';  that  'ar'  little 
yaller  dog  is  here.  Look  toward  'tother  end  of  the 
table." 

"I  know,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  ^Tony  Olsen  invited 
him." 

"Well,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "I  can't  eat 
hearty  to-night.  That  'ar'  critter  takes  away  my  hull 
appetite." 

"  Pshaw  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  drink — your  fiery 
fluid.  Banish — such  thoughts." 

"It  can't  be  did,  nohow,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a 
melancholy  and  dejected  tone.  "  I  can't  get  over  the 
pressure  of  the  varmiu',  Tommy,"  and  true  to  his 
statement,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ate  but  little  dinner  and  bore 
a  gloomy  and  melancholy  expression  on  his  counte 
nance  the  whole  evening. 

After  the  mock-turtle  soup,  one  of  the  waiters 
brought  in  a  massive  piece  of  roast  beef,  the  gravy  of 
which  was  still  frying  and  bubbling  as  the  meat  had 
just  been  taken  from  the  oven;  the  delightful  odor  of 
the  roast  pervaded  the  room  and  sharpened  up  the 
appetites  of  the  "Convivials"  there  assembled. 

"How'll  you  take  it,  Mr.  Rosby?"  said  the  Presi 
dent  of  the  club,  who  sat  at  the  head  of  the  table  and 
carved. 

"  Rare,"  replied  the  first  person  on  his  right,  ad 
dressed  by  the  name  of  Rosby. 


104    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

The  waiter  stepped  forward  to  take  the  plate  and 
hand  it. 

44  Never  mind,"  said  the  President,  handing  it  him 
self;  "  we  don't  need  no  extras  to-night.  Pekey, 
how'll  you  take  it  ? "  continued  he,  addressing  the 
next  man. 

"  Rare,"  said  this  person. 

"How'll  you  take  it,  Billy?"  said  the  President. 

"  Rare,"  said  Billy. 

"  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  how'll  you  take  it  ?  " 

"  Rare,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

The  beef  having  started  "  rare,"  went  rare  until  it 
came  to  Mr.  Oldwhistle.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  watched  him 
earnestly,  his  mouth  half  open  with  expectation,  and 
while  he  continued  to  watch  him  he  nudged  Mr. 
Geseign  with  his  elbow. 

44  How'll  you  take  it,  Mr.  Oldwhistle?"  said  the 
President. 

Mr.  Oldwhistle  looked  steadily  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  a 
moment,  and  a  sneer  crept  over  his  features  while  he 
continued  to  gaze  at  him.  At  last  he  said:  "Til  take 
it  well  done  !  " 

"I  know'd  it!"  said  Mr.. Oldbiegh,  aloud. 

44  Well ,"  said  the  little  scientist,  in  his  bitterest  tone, 
"have  you  anything  to  say  against  it?" 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I  was  only  noticin'  the 
nature  of  the  critter." 

44  Hear  !  hear  I  "  shouted  several  individuals  who  did 
not  understand  the  nature  of  the  conversation.  The 
little  scientist  was  about  to  reply,  when  the  person  sit- 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.    105 

ting  next  to  him,  after  a  good  deal  of  trouble,  suc 
ceeded  in  dissuading  him. 

"  Speaking  of  roast  beef,"  said  the  President,  look 
ing  up  at  the  company,  by  which  the  fact  was  noted 
that  there  was  a  cast  in  his  right  eye,  "speaking  of 
roast  beef  reminds  me  of  turkey  pie  and  also  of  a 
story  about  it,  in  which  the  hero  was  a  little  fellow 
with  a  red  head." 

"Silence!"  cried  several  persons,  rapping  on  the 
table ;  "  hear  !  hear  !  " 

"Well,"  said  the  President,  "it  was  this  way.  I 
was  stopping  at  a  country  hotel  called  the  Forest 
House.  The  fare  was  none  of  the  best,  consisting  of 
hash  for  breakfast,  with  a  sprinkling  of  the  cook's  hair, 
which  had  become  loose  the  night  before,  in  her  strug 
gles  with  a  young  fellow  with  side-chops  who  was 
courting  her,  and  perhaps  a  whisker  or  so  of  his 
throw'd  in,  and  coffee  composed  of  a  combination  of 
chiccory  and  beans  ;  for  lunch  we  had  mackerel  and 
potatoes  cooked  in  milk,  and  at  dinner  beef  steaks  so 
thin  and  tough  that  they  might  have  been  converted 
into  cross-cut  saws,  if  teeth  had  only  been  filed  into 
their  edges.  But  on  Sunday  we  always  had  a  bang-up 
turkey  pie;  and  the  way  the  boarders  went  for  that 
turkey  pie  would  make  you  hold  your  breath.  Well, 
one  Sunday  a  little  red-headed  chap  come  to  stop  with 
us,  and  he  looked  as  if  he  had  a  appetite  like  a  man- 
eating  shark ;  he  brought  a  stout  lady  along  with  him 
who  was  his  wife  and  had  a  appetite  like  a  female 
shark,  and  she  brought  his  mother-in-law.  You,  gen 
tlemen,  know  how  a  mother-in-law  can  eat!  Well, 


106    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

she  could  eat  for  six  days,  go  as  you  please  !  Old  Joe 
Thompson — you  know  him,  Billy,"  said  the  President, 
turning  to  a  man  on  his  left,  "  and  you  know  how  he 
liked  anything  good  to  eat.  Well,  he  sat  at  the  head 
of  the  table  and  served  the  pie.  He  liked  turkey  pie 
very  especially.  The  little  man  with  the  brick-colored 
roof  sat  at  the  foot  of  the  table,  to  the  left  his  wife, 
and  beyond  his  mother-in-law,  with  the  regulation 
mother-in-law  appetite,  all  with  their  mouths  just 
watering  for  pie,  as  was  easy  to  see.  They  had  been 
helped  once  and  the  third  person  beyond  had  been 
helped,  when  the  wife  warbles  for  another  piece,  and, 
immediately  upon  that,  the  mother-in-law  sings  out  for 
a  piece.  Somehow  or  other  the  little  red-headed  man 
hadn't  been  helped  yet. 

"  Old  Joe  kept  serving  the  pie  and  cutting  the  pieces 
smaller  and  smaller  and  looking  sourer  at  each  person 
he  helped.  At  last  he  saw  the  little  red-headed  man, 
whom  he  thought  he'd  helped  but  had  forgotten, 
smacking  his  lips  and  licking  his  chops  in  a  way  that 
was  dreadful;  then  old  Joe  saw  his  plate  and  noticed 
that  he  had  passed  him  over.  Old  Joe  was  fearful 
sour  and  riled  now,  as  there  was  only  one  piece  of  pie 
left,  and  that  was  too  small  to  be  cut.  Holding  his 
carving-knife  in  the  air,  old  Joe  kept  looking  at  the 
little  man  a  long  time  before  he  could  speak  without 
choking ;  then  he  broke  out  and  said :  4 1  s'pose  you 
want  some  of  the  turkey  pie, you  red-headed  scoundrel! 
Do  you?*" 

"  Ain't  that  joke  old  ?  "  said  Mr.  Old  whistle,  with  a 
sneer. 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.    107 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  President,  "  but  it  wasn't  worth 
a  cuss  till  I  dressed  it  up." 

"Oh!  ah!"  said  Mr.  Oldwhistle,  "you  made  the 
joke,  then?" 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  made  the  joke,"  said  the  President,  "  but 
you  didn't  see  the  point.  Come  around  to  my  office 
to-morrow,  and  I'll  try  to  explain  it  to  you." 

"  Well,"  said  a  small  individual  with  curly  hair, 
after  a  few  moments,  "but  did  the  little  red-headed 
man  say  yes  or  no  when  he  was  asked  if  he  would 
have  some  pie ;  that's  what  I'd  like  to  find  out." 

"  Well,"  replied  the  President,  "  it's  certain  he  did 
say  something;  but  what  it  was  nobody  has  ever  found 
out,  'cause  old  Joe  looked  so  mad  while  he  was  saying 
it  that  the  other  people  were  so  scared  they  couldn't 
hear  what  the  little  man  said.  But  this  is  known — 
though  whether  it  had  anything  to  do  with  the  turkey 
pie  I  don't  know — people  say  their  dead  bodies  were 
found  the  next  morning  at  the  bottom  of  a  canon ;  the 
grass  and  bushes  were  ripped  up  for  fifty  feet  around 
and  their  clothes  were  half  torn  from  their  bodies,  and 
in  the  little  man's  mouth  was  his  last  will,  in  which  he 
stated  he  died  a  natural  death;  but  I  s'pose  he  done 
this  in  his  final  moments  to  save  the  life  insurance  for 
his  wife,  of  whom  people  say  he  was  passionately 
fond." 

"Ah  !  "  said  the  curly-headed  man,  in  a  satisfied  tone. 

By  this  time  the  company  had  reached  that  stage  of 
the  dinner  at  which  people  cease,  from  necessity,  to  eat; 
so  while  they  continued  to  tell  stories,  they  continued 
to  drink.  They  began  now  to  call  for  toasts,  and  the 


108    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

first  person  called  upon  was  Mr.  Old  whistle,  and  the 
toast  demanded,  "  the  ladies."  Mr.  Oldwhistle  had  been 
notified  the  day  before,  and  like  other  great  orators  he 
at  once  proceeded  to  commit  his  spontaneous  and  im 
promptu  eloquence  to  paper,  after  which  he  committed 
it  to  memory.  He  now  arose  with  considerable  ease 
and  started  out  into  his  speech;  but  under  the  effect  of 
his  wine,  and  beneath  the  searching  glance  of  Mr.  Old- 
biegh's  large  blue  eyes,  he  stopped,  began  to  forget  his 
impromptu  utterances,  stammered,  turned  red,  and  for 
got  what  followed.  There  were  several  moments  which 
were  to  him  moments  of  awful  silence,  during  which 
the  atmosphere  seemed  to  ring  in  his  ears ;  but  at  the 
end  of  that  time,  as  if  to  give  himself  courage,  he 
pummeled  the  table  with  his  little  fist  and  proceeded 
as  follows:  "Women — women — oh  yes  ! — women  are 
delightful — in  their  manners,  in  their  lives,  in  their 
morals,  and  in  their  actions.  They  are  the  flowers  of 
humanity,  and  the  poetry  of  existence.  Where  women 
are  there  is  goodness ;  arid  every  man  when  he's  with 
a  woman  is  happy  in  the  extreme.  Well  may  they  be 
provided  with  wings,  and  when  they  have  taken  on  the 
yellow  golden  hue  of  paradise,  and  their  hair  has  taken 
the  color  of  sunlight  be  angels  !  The  transition  is  easy 
for  women.  If  you  keep  in  the  company  of  a  woman 
you  will  do  nothing  that  is  evil — unless  you  be  natu 
rally  of  an  evil  disposition,"  said  the  speaker,  looking 
hard  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "You  can  be  sure  of  this — 
you  cannot  get  into  trouble  by  being  too  much  in  the 
company  of  women,  for  they  will  refine  you.  Women's 
minds  are  naturally  just,  and  you'd  be  astonished  to 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.    109 

find  how  many  things  they  notice ;  and  they  are  the 
most  delightful  of  creatures — unless  you  are  naturally 
vicious,"  said  the  speaker,  again  looking  at  Mr.  Old 
biegh  with  an  impudent  smile.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  attempted 
to  rise  several  times  during  the  speech,  but  was  held 
down  by  Mr.  Geseign.  "  What  sort  of  a  time  do  you 
s'pose  we  would  have  without  women  ? "  asked  the 
speaker,  with  a  rhetorical  flourish.  A  little  "  Convivial," 
who  had  during  the  last  twenty  minutes  been  gradually 
sliding  under  the  table,  taking  this  inquiry  to  be 
directed  to  himself  personally,  spruced  up  and  replied 
that  we  would  have  "  a  high  old  time,  you  bet ! " 
u  Well,"  said  the  speaker,  "  how  is  it  that  women  of 
this  character,  women  who  can  do  no  wrong,  are  treated  ? 
Men  of  dispositions  naturally  corrupt,"  said  he,  gazing 
at  Mr.  Oldbeigh  again,  "attempt  to  break  their  hearts, 
just  for  personal  amusement,  and  impose  upon  them." 

Mr.  Oldwhistle  started  to  sit  down,  and  as  he  started 
to  sit  down  Mr.  Oldbiegh  started  to  rise,  and  notwith 
standing  the  fact  that  Mr.  Geseign  pulled  heavily  on 
his  coat-tails,  and  actually  ripped  the  left  coat-tail  off, 
by  the  time  Mr.  Oldwhistle  had  resumed  his  chair  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  was  firmly  on  his  feet.  His  face  was  glowing 
with  indignation,  and  in  his  indignation  he  had  per 
formed  three  rhetorical  curves  in  the  air  with  his  right 
hand  before  he  was  able  to  speak.  It  was  a  beautiful 
sight  to  see  Mr.  Oldbiegh  thus  excited,  standing  in  one 
coat-tail,  and  waving  his  arm  loftily  in  the  air  !  When 
he  did  speak,  he  said : 

"  Gentlemen,  I  aren't  in  the  habit  of  speakin',  for  I 
aren't  no  lawyer,  nor  no  preacher,  nor  no  orator;  but, 


110    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

gentlemen,  when  a  piece  of  yaller  soap  rises  up  on  its 
legs  at  this  table  to  attack  me,  I  rise  to  defend  myself 
from  the  varmin'  and  yaller  dog  !  And  if  I  can't  defend 
myself  by  talkin',  let  that  'ar'  piece  of  yaller  soap 
bring  around  its  biggest  friend  to  fight  for  it,  and  I'll 
punch  the  head  of  that  'ar'  friend  'till  he  sees  more 
stars  than  a  astronomer!  And  if  that  'ar'  piece  of 
yaller  soap  ain't  satisfied,  let  it  bring  around  the  rest  of 
its  friends,  and  I'll  whop  them  all  for  his  sake,  darned 
ef  I  don't ! 

"  The  varmin'  he's  spoke  of  women,  and  of  their 
being  absolute  perfection.  I  aren't  the  man  to  say  a 
word  agen  women,  and  I  never  will,  but  ef  you  only 
know'd  what  an  awful  kettle  of  fish  one  of  'em  has 
gone  and  put  me  into,  gentlemen — well,  gentlemen,  it's 
beyond  the  powers  of  description  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
wiping  his  perspiring  forehead  as  he  sat  down. 

The  President  of  the  association,  perceiving  signs 
that  the  quarrel  would  continue,  induced  Mr.  Barium, 
Jr.,  to  commence  playing  on  the  banjo.  He  then  called 
"order,"  and  winking  at  several  other  members,  they 
also  called  "order,"  and  when  Mr.  Oldwhistle  arose, 
loud  shouts  of  "order,"  interspersed  with  a  few  cat 
calls  and  groans,  induced  him  to  resume  his  seat.  The 
young  man  played  several  jigs,  and  was  then  called 
upon  for  a  song,  and  sang  "Old  Folks  at  Home,"  and 
was  loudly  applauded.  He  then  sang  "  Little  Empty 
Cradle,"  and  was  slapped  on  the  back  by  his  neighbors 

Mr.  Geseign  was  called  upon.  Between  Mr.  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Barium  there  existed  quite  a  rivalry,  and  Mr. 
Geseign  desired  to  be  called  upon  once  oftener  than 


MR.  OLDBIEGR'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.  Ill 

his  rival.  In  order  to  accomplish  this  end  he  resorted 
to  the  following  strategic  action.  After  tuning  the 
banjo  to  suit  himself,  he  played  a  very  ordinary  air  on 
the  instrument.  He  was  then  asked  for  a  song.  He 
sang  a  song  which  was  just  out;  but  this  was  not  the 
song  they  wanted,  for  he  sang  one  with  which  the 
members  of  the  club  were  alone  to  be  satisfied,  and 
they  never  allowed  him  to  arise  from  his  seat  until  he 
had  sung  it.  This  song  was  named  "  Mrs.  Lofty." 
With  a  laugh  he  said  he  had  forgotten  it,  and  sang 
another  song  which  pleased  them  very  much,  com 
mencing  : 

"  Night  came  on  a  hurricane, 
The  seas  were  mountains  rolling", 
When  Barney  Buntiine  turned  his  quid 
And  spoke  to  Billy  Bowline." 

This,  however,  did  not  satisfy  the  "  Convivials,"  so 
they  called  loudly  for  "  Mrs.  Lofty,"  and  Mr.  Geseign 
not  only  sang  it,  but  was  compelled  to  repeat  the  last 
verse. 

Several  toasts  were  responded  to  after  this,  and  as 
the  members  continued  to  drink,  at  a  late  hour  they 
might  have  been  seen  in  various  positions  around  the 
room.  One  gentleman  was  sitting  in  the  corner  with 
his  outstretched  legs  wide  apart.  Several  were  under 
the  table.  Several  more  had  their  chins  against  their 
bosoms,  their  chairs  tilted  back,  and  their  feet  upon 
the  table,  while  they  tried  to  smoke  the  cigars  which 
somebody  had  spilled  on  the  wine-stained  table,  and 


112    MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES. 

would  ever  arid  anon  put  the  lighted  ends  in  their 
mouths. 

Mr.  Oldvvhistle  was  resting  on  his  chair,  with  head 
hanging  over  one  side,  and  his  legs  over  the  other;  and 
his  limp  condition  greatly  amused  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who, 
with  Mr.  Geseign  and  one  or  two  others,  was  still 
tolerably  sober. 

The  members  of  the  club,  with  the  exception  of  the 
member  in  the  corner  and  the  members  under  the  table, 
at  last  started  for  home.  After  they  had  gone  a  short 
distance,  singing  and  shouting  as  they  went,  one  mem 
ber  left  the  rest  and  turned  into  a  side  street,  and  a  few 
moments  later  he  was  heard  amusing  himself  by  firing 
three  shots  from  his  pistol  into  the  air.  This  member 
terminated  his  evening's  amusement  by  winding  up  in 
a  cell  of  the  City  Prison. 

Another  member  found  his  way  home,  but  before 
retiring  to  rest  relieved  his  feelings  by  firing  two  pistol 
shots  into  the  body  of  a  neighbor's  goat,  which  was 
gazing  sadly  by  moonlight  between  the  pickets  of  the 
fence  which  divided  the  two  yards.  Still  another  sud 
denly  left  his  companions  on  a  run,  and  did  not  stop 
until,  after  scrambling  up  a  long  stairway  on  Kearney 
street,  he  fell  prostrate  in  front  of  the  door  of  the 
studio  of  an  artist  named  Mendell  Welcker,  arid  this 
gentleman,  naturally  mistaking  him  for  one  of  his  artist 
friends,  dragged  him  to  a  lounge  in  the  studio.  The 
next  morning  when  the  artist  went  to  breakfast  he 
pinned  a  paper  to  the  vest  of  the  member  of  the  society 
of  "  Convivials,"  requesting  him  if  he  was  sober  enough 


MR.  OLDBIEGH'S  FURTHER  ADVENTURES.  113 

when  he  left  to  read  English  to  leave  the  key  under 
the  door-mat. 

Still  another  member,  who  lived  in  a  house  facing  on 
a  street  car  track,  was  started  between  the  rails  by  his 
companions,  and  told  not  to  leave  the  track  until  he 
was  opposite  his  house.  After  many  violent  exertions 
to  keep  between  the  rails,  and  attempting  to  rest  by 
seizing  posts  along  the  road,  every  one  of  which,  after 
whirling  him  around  several  times,  persisted  in  throw 
ing  him  to  the  ground,  finally  he  did  reach  home  ;  and 
after  debating  with  himself  as  to  the  advisability  of 
taking  a  rest  before  going  into  the  house,  he  concluded 
at  last  to  take  the  rest.  He  sat  down  on  the  ground, 
and  after  muttering  to  himself  repeatedly  the  words, 
u  High  old  time,"  decided  that  it  would  conduce  to  his 
ease  to  lie  on  his  breast.  He  therefore  assumed  this 
position,  and  had  the  general  appearance  of  a  man 
eating  grass. 

Still  another  grave  member  of  the  club  went  home 
to  the  bosom  of  his  family,  which  consisted  of  a  talka 
tive  wife,  and  found  himself  alongside  of  his  wife's 
bed  in  a  prostrate  condition,  before  she  was  aware  of 
his  presence.  With  an  indistinct  idea  that  the  proper 
thing  to  do  was  to  get  into  bed,  he  attempted  to  raise 
himself  from  the  floor  by  pulling  on  the  counterpane. 
In  this  operation  he,  of  course,  pulled  the  counterpane 
off  the  bed.  He  then  attempted  to  raise  himself  by  pull 
ing  on  the  blankets,  but  the  blankets  were  also  pulled  off. 
As  a  last  resort  he  strove  to  raise  himself  by  pulling 
on  the  sheets.  When  they  came  off  his  good  wife 
awakened  and  took  in  the  situation  at  a  glance.  We 
7 


114  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

shall  not  describe  the  cruel  manner  in  which  she  treated 
him,  for  fear  that  the  fair  reader  will  feel  shocked  that 
one  of  her  own  sweet  sex  could  have  had  such  a  bar 
barous  disposition.  Believing  that  we  have  faithfully 
described  these  important  transactions  of  the  "  Con- 
vivials,"  it  is  proper  that  we  should  throw  down  our 
pen  and  take  it  up  in  the  next  chapter,  and  in  the 
interval  regale  ourself  with  a  luxurious  five-cent  cigar 
— for  we  have  no  wife  to  prevent  it. 


CHAPTER     III. 
MR.   GESBIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

«  TTTELL,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  sat  up 
If  in  his  bed  the  morning  after  the  entertainment 
given  by  the  "  Convivials,"  "  well,  Tommy,"  said  he, 
as  he  drank  his  coffee  and  tasted  his  toast,  "  what  a 
blessin'  it  are  to  be  a  bachlor !  Say,  have  you  learned 
anything  about  the  case  of  me  and  that  'ar'  widdyer 
in  the  courts?  " 

"  I  have,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  visited  the  Temple — 
erected  to  police  justice.  The  Temple — beautiful 
structure — where  justice  is  meted  between  bummah 
and  bummah,  where  the  judge  sits — in  his  rigidity — 
a  holy  terror  to  the  youthful — offender.  I  have  talked 
with  the  frigid — clerk.  The  frigid  clerk  tells  me  (I 
am  his  friend),  confidentially,  that  your  case — to  use 
his  words — 4is  slightly  a  stunner.  It  is,' says  he — 


MR.  GESETGN'S  TRAGKDY.  115 

confidentially — 'the  very  deuce  of  a  case.'  In  such 
cases  —  he  says  —  the  jury — composed  of  doting 
fathers — and  loving  husbands — is  bad  material — for 
you.  They  consider  women  simple  creatures — silly 
wretches — betrayed  loy  harsh  men ;  and  the  dear 
fathers — blind  to  all  wiles — convict  the  harsh  men 
without  fail — every  pop.  Quite  so. 

"Justice — or  no  justice — your  case,  he  says — confi 
dentially — is  hopeless.  Ah  !  my  friend — there  is  one 
escape  from  this — calamity.  The  woman — Kate  Brum- 
lin — offers  to  settle — for  five  hundred  shinahs.  You 
are  now — in  a  box;  you  can  thus  creep  out.  The  day 
of  deliverance  is — at  hand  !  " 

"Tommy,'*  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  solemnly,  "it  can't 
be  did.  It's  no  use  temptin'  me.  No,  never !  " 

"What?"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  with  a  deprecatory 
motion  of  his  hand. 

"No  use,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "it  can't  be  did,  no 
how.  Go  'way  from  me,  Tommy ;  don't  try  to  tempt 
me." 

"Let  me  tell  you,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "reason;  cast 
away  sentiment.  For  one  moment  confer — with  your 
self.  Picture  the  scene.  You  stand — in  the  court 
room — you  sit — in  the  court  room — a  criminal  I  Fathers 
of  daughters — husbands  of  wives — in  the  audience — 
condemn  you.  Twelve  fathers — in  solemn  dignity — in 
twelve  chairs — in  the  jury  box— condemn  you — un 
heard.  Public  sentiment  is — against  you.  The  learned 
gentleman — who  prosecutes — eloquently  calls  you — a 
monstah !  Then  the  twenty-four  eyes — of  the  twelve 
indignant — fathers — frown  on — the  monstah  !  You 


116  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

are — the  monstah  !  The  learned  gentleman — elo 
quently — feels  sorrow — that  you  belong — to  his  race. 
The  twelve  fathers — feel  sorrow.  Next — a  dramatic — 
effect.  The  bashful  Kate — poor  creachaw — is  borne 
in.  Poor  thing — how  sad  !  Hollow  cheeks — and  pale 
— with  chalk!  Black  rings — of  Indiah  ink — beneath 
her  eyes.  So  haggard !  The  twelve  fathers — gaze 
again — on  the  monstah !  Cruel  villain  !  Infamous 
hound !  The  black  eyes — the  pale  cheeks — are  his 
work  !  She — so  weak  and  unprotected.  The  learned 
— gentleman — calls  you  names.  Wonderful  eloquence ! 
The  twelve  fathers  weep — profusely!  The  monstah  is 
sent  to  San  Quentin — by  those  fathers.  In  the  Peni 
tentiary  you  grow  bald — by  compulsion.  Fearful  ex 
perience  !  By  compulsion  your  dress  is — a  uniform. 
You  look — in  your  uniform — like  a  stout — garter 
snake !  Dreadful !  Oh — my  friend — listen — to  reason  !  " 

44  Never !  It  can't  be  did,  nohow ! "  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh,  sternly.  "  Don't  tempt  me  !  " 

"  Well,  my  friend,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  you  will  suf- 
fah — in  spite  of — hallelujah  !  " 

"All  right,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "I'm  the  man 
what  won't  whine  over  it,  even  if  they  do  turn  me  to 
a  garter  snake  !  If  it  comes,  it  comes,  and  thar's  the 
end  on  it!" 

"But,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "think — reason." 

"It  aren't  no  use,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh;  "ef  them 
twelve  varmin'  are  a-goin  to  send  me  to  San  Quentin 
because  they  ain't  got  brains  enough  to  know  that  any 
grown  woman  what  walks  the  earth  can  purtect  her- 


MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  117 

self  from  any  man,  if  she  only  wants  to,  I'll  go  to  San 
Quentin,  darned  ef  I  don't!" 

"  True,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, "  very  true — the  sentiment 
is  true.  But  let  some  other  man — practice  it.  To  be 
a  martyr  is  delightful — in  theory;  in  practice — dis 
agreeable  ! " 

"Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "changing  the  sub 
ject,  when  I  passed  your  room  last  night  your  door 
was  open,  and  a  lamp  which  was  lighted  was  sitting  on 
the  table,  and  lying  on  the  desk  was  a  picture  of  the 
tallest  tree  I  ever  set  eyes  onto,  all  drawn  in  ink.  The 
tree  had  a  trunk  about  the  size  of  a  knitting-needle, 
and  was  about  two  foot  high ;  and  all  the  branches  was 
straight,  except  where  they  started  off  at  a  sudden 
angle,  and  they  all  had  the  names  of  people  written 
over  them  in  red  ink.  Are  you  a  artist?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign ;  "  you  did  not  comprehend 
— the  tree.  It  is  my  ancestral — my  genealogical — tree. 
I  am — the  top  branch.  Gaze  on  me — I  am  a  blood  ! 
You  see  before  you — a  blood  ! — a  thorough  blood  ! 
And  the  blood — is  blue — entirely  blue." 

"I  s'pose  by  that  'ar',"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "you 
mean  you're  fond  of  fast  horses  ?  " 

"  Quite,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  as  any  other  blood. 
Oh  ! — blood  I  The  beauties  of  blood  !  Proud  word  ! 
It  brings  to  my  mind — my  ancestahs.  I  see  their 
shadowy — figures.  I  see  them  looming  into  the  remote 
— past.  One  thousand  years  of  ancestahs — all  bloods  ! 
Think  of  it!  Interesting  thought — for  you;  but  a 
sad  spectacle  for  me — their  only  son.  I  see  them — 
my  twenty  fathers — jolly  old  bloods!  Affecting  sight 


118  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

— to  me — their  sole — survivor,  stranded — in  the  land 
of  gold — without  a  dollah  !  " 

"How  do  you  make  out  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh. 

"  Have  you  liquor — to  soothe — my  feelings — while 
I  relate  ?"  asked  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Ring  that  'ar'  bell  in  the  wall,  thar,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Geseign  did  so. 

"  Wait,"  said  he,  as  he  went  out,  "  I  will  fetch  the 
melancholy — tree." 

When  he  came  back  the  waiter  had  arrived  with  a 
bottle  of  whisky  and  two  glasses.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and 
Mr.  Geseign  both  sampled  the  liquor,  and  considering 
it  to  have  the  proper  taste,  Mr.  Geseign  winked  at  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  who  by  way  of  response  closed  one  of  his 
large  blue  eyes,  while  an  owl-like  and  solemn  expres 
sion  covered  his  face. 

"  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  before  you  com 
mence,  put  a  couple  of  pillows  under  my  back,  for  I'm 
kind  of  weak  to-day,  somehow,  though  I  can't  account 
for  it;  and  my  head  aches  for  some  reason,  so  put  a 
wet  towel  around  it,  and  close  that  'ar'  shutter  to  keep 
the  sunlight  out  of  my  eyes." 

Mr.  Geseign  did  as  requested.  Then,  taking  a  seat 
and  putting  his  feet  up  on  the  washstand,  he  upset 
the  pitcher,  which  fell  to  the  floor  and  was  broken. 
This  caused  Becky,  the  blonde  housemaid  with  the  red 
tassels  on  her  shoes,  to  rush  into  the  room,  with  an 
angry  expression  on  her  visage. 

"  Charming  creachaw ! "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as   she 


MR.    GTCSEIGX'S    TRAGEDY.  119 

entered  the  room,  "  take  a  seat.  Do  not  feel  embar 
rassed  by  the  appearance — of  my  friend." 

"  Oh!  you  wretch,  what  have  you  done?"  said  the 
rosy  Becky. 

"  Becky — my  dear — don't  be  cruel !  "  said  Mr.  Ge- 
seign,  "or  I  shall  proceed — to  expire." 

"  You're  an  ugly  scamp !  "  said  the  girl,  as  she  began 
to  pick  up  the  pieces. 

"Don't — don't!"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  in  an  agonized 
tone,  "  with  your  too  tendah — fingers,"  and  he  got 
down  on  his  knees  beside  her  and  began  to  help  pick 
them  up. 

"  You're  always  so  awkward,"  said  Becky,  with 
something  like  a  smile.  "Now,"  said  she,  standing  up, 
with  the  pieces  in  her  brown  checked  apron,  "  will 
you  ever  do  it  again  ?  " 

"Nevah!"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

She  glanced  at  him  a  moment  with  a  look  of  reproof, 
surrounded  by  a  look  of  admiration,  in  her  eyes,  and 
left  the  room;  and  upon  gazing  through  the  crack 
behind  the  door  Mr.  Oldbiegh  saw  her  shaking  the 
handle  of  her  broom  menacingly  at  Mr.  Geseign,  who 
stood  at  the  door,  holding  it  half  open. 

"I  am,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  resumed  his  seat, 
"  a  nobleman— -in  disguise  !  My  first  ancestah — here 
he's  perched — in  this  tree — Sir  Humphrey  Bolding — 
was  a  Baron.  Full  blood.  His  nose  was — Roman. 
His  features — aristocratic.  He  came  over — with  Wil 
liam —  the  Conqueror  —  bosom  friends  —  in  the  same 
boat!  On  a  spree — and  a  tare — all  the  way.  Never 
sober — jolly  old  cocks  !  When  they  landed — sobered 


120  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

up — how  they  fought  —  dreadful!  In  the  thickest  — 
and  the  thinnest — of  the  fight  —  everywhere  —  all  at 
once  !  Wonderful  warriors — those  days  !  My  ances- 
tah  had  four  horses — shot  under  him.  One — over  him. 
William  had  two  !  My  ancestah  met  a  Saxon — a  cruel 
giant.  With  one  blow  he  killed  him  and  cut  his  ears 
off.  Presented  them  —  to  William.  He  wore  them 
next  his  heart  forever  after — as  a  trophy. 

44 Sir  Humphrey  had  issue — three  boys:  Sir  Henry, 
Sir  Gavalkine  and  Sir  Beaumont.  All  three  had — 
light  hair.  The  eldest  was  quiet,  religious  and  cun 
ning.  Would  be — a  monk.  The  second  was  ambitious. 
Would  be — a  monk.  He  threw  the  eldest — in  a  tower. 
Heated — an  iron.  When  red  hot  he  ran  it — down  his 
brother's  throat.  Was  lord — himself  by  the  operation. 
He  never  had — a  child.  In  consequence  he  died — of 
grief.  His  brother  had  thirteen  daughters — no  sons. 
He  paid  the  priests  to  pray — for  sons — vast  sums  of 
shinahs.  It  wouldn't  work.  My  ancestah  was  dis 
gusted.  The  eldest  daughter — inherited.  As  a  female 
— she  was  cruel.  She  crushed  the  hearts  of  many 
males — for  she  was  beautiful.  I  have — her  features. 
She  married — a  strolling  musician.  He  was  proud  to 
be — at  no  great  expense — an  Italian  Count.  Kept  up 
the  blood.  My  next  ancestah  murdered — his  mother. 
He  was  in  debt  to  the  money-lenders — to  a  fearful  ex 
tent,  and  wanted — his  inheritance.  And  so  my  ances- 
tahs  kept  on  being  born — all  bloods.  I  am  the  last  of 
the  stock — a  lonely  and  a  noble — monument !  " 

"  That  accounts  for  them  fellers  at  the  *  Convivials  ' 


MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  121 

callin'  you  a  blood.  I  understand  it  now,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"They  all  — know  it,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "The 
whole  world  knows  it,  but  blood,  like  intellect,  is 
nothing — without  mone}r.  I  am  a  brilliant  young  man 
and — I  am  a  blood.  I  write  poetry — of  the  grandest 
character.  Poetry — by  Thomas  Geseign  !  But  all  is 
— unrecognized — and  has  been  for  years — for  I  am  poor 
— while  the  rot — of  other  men's  brains — is  praised — 
to  heaven  ! " 

"You're  right  thar,  Tommy  ;  for  I've  seen  the  time 
when  people  wouldn't  no  more  notice  me  than  a  dag, 
but  now  them  what  are  a-beginnin'  to  find  out  I've  got 
coin  are  a  showing  me  more  attention  than  is  due  to 
the  Duke  of  Cackyack  or  the  King  of  the  Sandwich 
Islands.  I  didn't  know  you  was  a  poetical  writer, 
though." 

"  Oh  !  its  easy — anything  is — poetry — if  you've  got 
coin — to  push  it.  Pay  the  big  guns  to  say — it's  poetry. 
Pay  them — to  praise  it.  And  some  men  will  be  cer 
tain — to  believe  it.  Others  will  fear — to  deny  it.  And 
then  come  the  sheep  —  to  repeat  their  ideas.  If  I 
couldn't  write  such  slush  as  the  first  poets  of  to-day — 
have  written — pshaw !  I  wouldn't  have  the  audacity 
to  offer  my  services — to  a  Chinaman  for  one  bit — a  day  ! 
Coin  ! — coin  !  Beautiful  coin  !  It  will  make  orators — 
it  will  make  writers — it  will  make  statesmen — it  will 
make  gods  !  Be-youtiful  chink  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
slapping  his  leg  in  the  intensity  of  his  emotion. 

"Did  you  ever  write  for  the  papers?"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh. 


122  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

"  Shall  I  tell  you  my  experience  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
looking  inquiringly  at  his  companion. 

"  Bang  away,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  nodding  his  head 
approvingly. 

"  In  the  last  six  years,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  my  arti 
cles — which  I  have  written — tragic — pathetic — comic 
and  all — have  been  rejected  one  hundred  and  eighteen 
times  by  all  the  leading — eastern  monthlies.  By  eastern 
weeklies  —  I  have  been  rejected — often.  And  yet  — 
some  of  these  journals  —  publish  idiocy — imbecility — 
and  slush.  By  two  drivelling  California  publications 
— I  have  been  rejected.  You  might  think  I  was  a 
spring  poet  and  had  a  right — to  be  discouraged — in 
those  six  years.  No — I  admitted — no  such  right.  In 
stead — I  tried — an  experiment.  I  numbered  the  pages 
— of  my  MS.  Page  six  was  placed  after  page  thirteen. 
When  it  came  back — page  six  was  still — at  its  post. 
Tried  the  experiment  again.  Placed  page  four  after 
page  seven,  page  five  after  page  fourteen.  Bucked  a 
new  tiger.  MS.  came  back — undisturbed.  I  thus  per 
ceived  that  there  was  a  close  corporation — somewhere. 
I  was  not — discouraged.  My  ancestahs'  blue  blood  was 
running  still — in  my  veins.  I  felt  it ! 

41  Six  years — of  failure  !  I  felt  like  a  chicken — with 
its  head  cut  off.  Yet  still  I  could  flutter — and  flut 
tered  like  hallelujah.  4  Keep  her  up — old  boy  ' — said  I. 
I  bucked — the  old  tiger — called  Fate — once  again.  For 
thirteen  nights — without  intermission — I  wrote  !  On 
the  thirteenth  night  I  completed — a  tragedy.  I  called 
it  '  To  the  Bitter  End.'  Filled  with  horrors — it  was 
tragic.  I  collared  a  Hoodlum.  I  took  him  to  my  room 


MR.  GESKIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  123 

— I  read  it,  and  asked  him — how  he  liked  it.  He  said 
he'd  seen  it  played  before — "by  Booth  —  and  it  was 
4  wrote  by  Shakspeare  ! '  I  collared  a  lawyer.  Same 
result.  I  collared  a  preacher.  Same  result.  I  collared 
a  bootblack.  Same  result.  I  presented  it  to  forty- 
seven — actresses.  None  of  them — wanted  it.  I  took 
it  to  the  theatre.  A  sarcastic  stage-manager  told  me  I 
lied — when  I  said  I  wrote  it,  and  said — it  was  wonder 
ful — and  instead  of  playing  it — tried  to  play  me — by 
saying  such  a  play  hadn't  been  written — for  centuries." 

"Have  you  got  any  of  that  'ar'  tragedy?"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  I  have,"  said  his  companion. 

"  Let's  have  some,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Geseign  went  into  his  room  and  returned  with 
some  dirty  MS. 

"  Read  her,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  turn  her  loose,"  as 
he  poured  out  another  glass  of  whisky,  "and  fix  these 
yer  pillows  first,  for  my  back  seems  to  be  gettin' 
weaker ;  and  shut  up  them  green  blinds  a  little  more, 
before  you  start  into  her ;  then  I'll  tell  you  whether  it's 
natchral  or  not." 

"  All  right,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  closed  the  shut 
ters.  "  I  will  first — repeat  to  you — some  passages.  If 
then  you  like  it — I  will  read  it — through.  Here's  a 
love  scene,"  and  he  read  as  follows : 


SCENE  II. — An  open  place  in  front  of  Mrs    Stone's  house  in 
Berkeley ;  the  full  moon  rises  over  the  hills. 

Enter  GODFREY,  R. 

God.    Before  the  night  came  here  was  she  to  meet  me : 
Either  some  strange  mischance  hath  fallen  her, 


124  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

Or  else  kind-hearted  Night  hath  drawn  her  veil, 
Before  the  time,  to  keep  the  hot-rayed  sun 
From  off  her  face.     Now  come  the  little  stars ; 
Through  every  crack  of  Heaven  do  they  peep  down 
To  catch  a  view  of  her  o'er-lovely  face ! 
But  now  she  comes !     I  hear  her  steps 
Making  sweet  music  for  th'  enraptured  air ! 

Enter  JOSEPHINE,  L. 

Jos.     And  did  you  think  that  I  would  never  come  ? 

God.    The  hours  did  truly  seem  stretched  out  so  long, 
I  might  have  named  them  never ;  but  since  now 
I  see  thee  here,  the  evil  of  that  time 
Does  serve  but  as  a  contrast  to  these  moments, 
That  like  to  sunbeams,  frightened  by  the  night, 
Do  swiftly  flee  away! 

Jos.     I  had  been  here, 

But  that  some  envious  demon  held  me  back, 
Now  placing  this,  now  that,  across  my  path ! 

God.    'Tis  strange,  then,  that  the  mighty  fairy  legions 

Sallied  not  forth  to  guard  thee  'gainst  this  demon  ; 

For  I  know  that  these  fairies  love  thee  well ; — 

I've  seen  them  oft,  wrapt  in  a  cloak  of  sunbeams, 

Coming,  unknown  to  thee,  to  steal  sweet  kisses 

From  off  thy  rosy  lips  ;  at  other  times 

Bearing  the  hue  from  off  thy  lovely  cheek 

To  paint  their  home,  the  cloud-placed  rainbow,  with! 

Jos.     You  seem  to  be  acquainted  well  with  these 
Same  tiny  beings  from  another  world. 
'Tis  only  through  the  gate  of  midnight  dreams, 
Be  it  now  known,  that  we  may  enter  in 
The  fairy  kingdom;  so  these  compliments 
Are  fancies  only,  born  within  a  dream. 

God.    Speak  you  of  dreams,  my  lovely  Josephine  ? 
Then  Til  tell  you  that  has  reality 

Stamped  on  its  face.     You  know  I've  loved  you  long  ;- 
Deny  it  not  with  those  hard  frowns ;  and  yet 
E'en  they  do  well  become  thy  gentle  face ;  — 
I've  loved  thee  long  and  well,  and  now  I  ask 
A  greater  boon  than  all — that  hand  of  thine  ! 
No  answer  now  ?    Ah !  in  thy  eye  I  see 
The  hard  word  "No"  look  forth ;  Oh!  banish  it 
From  that  sweet  place,  where  heretofore 
Kind  smiles  alone  a  dwelling  had ! 

Jos.     Perhaps  it  was  not  there  ;  or,  if  it  was, 
'Tis  banished. 


MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  125 

In  answering  thus,  it  may  have  seemed  that  I 

Have  been  too  soon  in  so  surrendering 

My  hand  to  thee  ;  if  so,  this  my  excuse  — 
God.    You  give  excuse  P    No,  no,  'twere  better  far 

To  crush  the  silly  laws !     Oh !  now  is  all 

My  happiness  complete ! 
Jos.     And  in  the  centre  of  this  happiness 

I'm  forced  to  tear  myself  away  from  you ! 

But  blessings  rest 

Within  the  thought  we  soon  shall  meet  again ! 
God.    Oh !  go  not  yet ;  the  hour  is  not  yet  late ! 
Jos.     Nay,  but  the  moon  is  sinking  o'er  the  hill ; 

See  how  her  poor,  wan  face  looks  thin  and  pale. 

I  wonder  hath  she  lost  some  one  of  those 

Her  myriad,  star-browed  children,  that 

She  weeps  while  she  majestically  moves 

Through  night's  blue  heaven  ? 
God.    If  she  is  weeping,  then  I'll  pity  her ; 

For,  while  I  feel  the  sweetness  of  thy  love, 

I  cannot  think  but  all  the  world  is  sad ! 
Jos.     The  tide  of  night  hath  nearly  reached  the  top ; 

Now  must  I  tear  myself  away  from  thee  ! 

These  hours  were  stolen  from  underneath  the  eyes 

Of  my  aunt,  who  does  harshly  watch  my  conduct. 
God.    Oh !  not  yet,  Josephine !  the  stars 

That  mark  the  minute  places  in  the  sky 

Have  not  been  three  times  rounded  by  the  hand 

Of  stillness,  that  doth  mark  the  hour  of  night ! 
Jos.     Were  I  to  mark  the  hours  upon  this  clock, 

The  morning  light  would  guide  me  to  my  home. 
God.    The  hours  of  time  have  shorter  grown  of  late. 
Jos.     Oh !  Godfrey,  would  that  I  might  yet  remain ! 

But  in  this  world  is  still  a  cruel  fate, 

And  I  must  tear  myself  away  from  thee ! 

Good-bye,  my  love,  good-bye  ! 

\Exit  JOSEPHINE,  R. 
God.    Gone !    And  is  she  gone  ?    Oh !  evening  breeze 

Bear  these  my  blessings  after  her. 

\Exit  GODFREY,  L. 

"How's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Geseign,  looking  toward 
Mr.  Oldbiegb. 

"  Natchral,  Tommy/'  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  smiling.  "  I 
couldn't  a-made  love  no  better  myself!  " 


126  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

"Life,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "I  have  pictured — fleeting 
life.  Here  it  is :  " 

Mrs.  Ard.    How  swiftly  Time,  upon  unwearied  wing, 

Is  ever  fleeing  back  into  the  past ; 

The  monster  Future  slowly  creeps  on  toward  us, 

While  that  poor  sparrow,  Time,  affrighted  flies 

Into  the  Past,  that  prison  cage,  which,  closed, 

There's  none  so  strong  can  ever  open  it. 

It  seems  but  yesterday  that  Lily,  here, 

Gave  up  her  hand  to  her  young,  loving  husband ; 

And  then  seemed  Josephine  but  still  a  child, 

That  now  is  turned  into  a  full-grown  woman. 
Ard.    Life's  but  a  breath,  borne  off  by  meanest  winds  ; 

Or  word,  that  writ  upon  the  ocean's  shore, 

The  waves  will  wash  away, 

A  fleeting  thing,  that  sleeps  and  wakes  and  dies ; 

A  dream  that  is  dreamed  and  is  over !  [Exeunt. 

"  It's  natchral,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  You 
hardly  see  a  man's  legs  appearing,  as  he  comes  down 
into  the  world,  before  you  see  him  disappearing,  as  he 
goes  up  out  of  it !  You're  right,  thar." 

"Here's  a  description,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  warming 
up  under  the  praise  of  his  friend,  "of  a  fellow — who 
got  left — by  a  woman." 

"Whop  her  out,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Geseign  read : 

SCENE  II. — A  bedroom  in  a  hotel  in  New  York.  A  door  L.  2 
E.,  through  which  enter  BLACKWELL  and  MRS.  STONE.  A  door 
R.  C.,  which  opens  into  a  room  behind  the  first.  R.  2  E.,  a  win 
dow  with  curtains  hanging  on  either  side. 

Black.     Thy  niece  looks  colder  on  me  every  hour ! 

Mrs.  Sto.    Ha!  is  it  so  ?  and  hath  • 

Thy  love  not  prospered  ? 
Black.     Prospered  ?    I'd  sooner  woo  the  porcupine 

Than  woo  thy  niece ;  for  when  I  moved  near  her, 

She  shot  her  scornful  glances, 


MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  127 


As  swift  as  flames  from  out  a  mitrailleuse, 

And  when  I  called  her  "  rose,"  she  called  me  "  villain !" 

Then,  when  I  spoke  of  love,  she  said  my  tongue 

Had  stained  that  word,  so  that  she  ne'er  again 

Could  stand  and  hear  it  uttered,  patiently ! 

I  then  sent  out  my  thoughts  o'er  all  creation 

A-wandering  to  gather  pretty  names, 

Which,  garnished  with  sweet  accent,  I  did  call  her ; 

But,  all  the  while,  she  stamped  with  her  small  foot, 

Nor  would  she  lend  attention  to  my  speech. 

Mrs.  Sto.    And,  like  a  craven,  you  gave  up  the  fight! 
Oh !  that  I  were  a  man  but  for  an  hour, 
Then  I'd  make  such  a  wooing  for  these  maidens 
As  they  have  never  dreamed  of  heretofore. 
Not  with  a  mournful  look  would  I  gaze  at  them 
But  with  a  glance  that  reached  their  very  souls, 
And  they  did  tremble  till  their  knees  waged  war 
With  one  another ! 

For  every  soft  and  silly  sigh  they  gave 
I'd  give  a  curse  that  so  would  frighten  Love 
That,  trembling,  he  would  hide  behind  their  tears ! 
But  come,  poor  coward,  at  thy  work  again ; 
I'll  be  at  hand  to  give  thee  my  protection, 
If  you  are  vanquished  for  a  second  time. 
I'll  go  call  Josephine,  and  bring  her  here, 
That  you  may  woo,  and  then  I'll  slip  behind 
This  hanging  curtain,  there  to  note  your  progress.     [Exit. 

Black.     Were  I  now  one  of  these  warm-hearted  fools, 

This  Josephine  I'd  call  a  flower,  and  send  up  tears 

To  weep  in  my  two  eyes,  for  she,  unlike  the  oak, 

Has  no  protection  'gainst  the  howling  storms. 

Td  harp  upon  her  child-like  innocence, 

And  then,  perchance,  some  burning  tears  of  mine 

Would  warm  the  heart,  till  I  did  grow  so  soft 

I'd  love  the  little  birds,  and  fear  to  crush 

A  creeping  worm! 

But  should  I  marry  her,  at  first  she'd  weep, 

And  pale  her  face  would  grow ;  but  then  we  cannot 

Forever  look  upon  the  blushing  rose ; 

At  times  'tis  best  to  see  the  cold-faced  lily. 


"  That  'ar's  good,  too,  Tommy  ;  it's  natchral.  What 
a  darned  galoot  that  'ar'  Blackwell  was,  anyhow !  But 
that  Mrs.  Stone  warn't  the  woman  to  fool  with !  I'll 


128  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

just  bet  she  was  a  two-forty  widdyer;  warn't  she, 
Tommy?" 

"She  was — quite,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"I'd  a  swore  to  her  identity  as  a  widdyer,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  Here's  another — passage,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  : 


Oath.    You'd  hear  my  tale  ?  'tis  not  a  pretty  tale, 
Of  how  a  lover  woo'd,  and  prospered ; 
But  how  he  woo'd,  and  how,  with  cruelty, 
He  crushed  the  rose  when  broken  from  the  stem! 
I  had  a  home  once,  like  those  ye  may  see 
When,  hungrily,  you  wander  Christmas  nights, 
From  the  cold  streets,  to  see  the  happy  faces 
That  pass  the  windows  flit  with  looks  of  joy. 
Once  my  face,  too,  did  through  a  window  shino 
Lit  by  the  soul's  soft  light,  the  light  of  happiness : 
That  home  is  gone,  for  on  a  fated  night 
I  did  present  mis  hand  to  one  who  ne'er 
Laid  aught  of  value  on  the  gift  I  gave ; 
But  ever  grew  to  hate  me  more  and  more  ; 
I  know  not  why — I  never  did  know  why ; 
But  oft  I  noticed  when  his  face  was  turned 
From  me  away,  and  bore  a  smile  upon  it, 
That  smile  swift  vanished  if  he  looked  toward  me, 
And  angry  hate  sprang  quickly  to  his  eyes ! 
And  then,  at  times,  he'd  strike  me  in  the  face, 
And  laugh  to  see  the  darkened  spot  come  there ! 
One  night  he  took  me  to  a  gloomy  street, 
And  pierced  me  with  a  chilly-bladed  dagger ! 
Nay,  but  when  he  did  think  the  breath  was  gone, 
He  called  me  back,  and  wept  so  piteously, 
That  though  my  mouth  could  not,  my  heart  forgave  him. 

Jos.       Forgive  the  man,  that,  in  his  cruelty, 

Did  stab  thee  with  a  chilly-bladed  dagger? 

Caih.    Aye,  for  my  love  was  such  a  love  that  it 
Did  call  a  thousand  small  excuses  up, 
That  plead  for  him  with  words  so  filled  with  music 
That  they  did  claim  my  frowning  soul,  that  judged 
Until  it  gave  the  sentence  of  forgiveness  ! 

Jos.       And  where  is  he,  thy  cruel  husband,  now  ? 

Caih.     My  ear  has  grown  a-weary,  waiting  long 


MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY.  129 

To  have  some  bird-like  message  light  on  it, 

To  whisper  to  me  of  his  whereabouts. 

Oh !  I  do  fear  that  we  will  never,  never  meet  again ! 
Jos.       How  strong  is  woman's  love  ; — Oh  !  God,  how  freezing 

Is  grown  this  dark  night's  wind ; — in  listening  to 

Thy  sorrows,  had  I  e'en  forgot  the  wind. 

[/Storm  increases. 
Cath.     I  know  a  place  that  lends  far  better  shelter 

Than  this  one  does  ;  then  come  and  let  us  thither ; 

We'll  lie  together,  and  may  both  keep  warm 

"I'd  a-liked  to  have  caught  the  husband  of  that  'ar' 
pretty  little  gal !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  and  if  ever  I 
do  run  across  him,  I'll  wring  his  neck  till  his  gizzard's 
busted,  darned  ef  I  don't ! "  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  arose 
and  shook  his  fist.  "  What  the  pretty  critters  will 
go  and  throw  themselves  away  for  on  such  darned 
varmin  is  more  than  I  can  make  out!  Why  don't 
they  take  a  white  man  first,  even  if  he  is  as  ugly  as  a 
mud  fence?" 

"  How's  this?"  said  Mr.  Geseign: 

SCENE  IV.  —  New  York  State.     Open  country,  mountains  sur 
rounding. 

Enter  CATHARINE  and  JOSEPHINE,  who  stop  by  a  stream. 
Cath.     Come,  let  us  rest  here  on  this  mossy  bank ; 

This  long  day's  walk  hath  made  my  limbs  grow  weary. 
Jos.       A  pretty  spot  is  this.     Methinks  that  here 

The  busy  bee  must  spend  his  holidays ; 

The  humming-bird,  that  drinks  from  flower-made  cups 

The  ant,  that  does  build  up  his  mighty  cities, 

Come  here  to  rest.     And  then,  perchance,  they  feast  : 

For  tables  having  a  white  lily's  leaf, 

For  napkins  white  rose  leaves,  and  for  their  plates 

The  golden  buttercups. 

Cath.     A  broken  sunbeam  for  their  knives  and  forks. 
Jos.       Aye,  that  was  well ;  and  for  their  food  the  bee 

Would  fetch  his  honey. 

And  when  the  dinner  was  removed,  they'd  have 

A  silver  cloud,  brought  from  the  sky  above, 

To  dance  upon. 

8 


130  MR.  GESEIGN'S  TRAGEDY. 

< 

Cath.    And  for  a  sky  they'd  have 

A  maiden  dream  of  love,  to  hang  overhead. 
Jos.       A  pretty  way  is  this  to  bid  the  hours 

That  are  unwelcome  to  depart  from  us. 

This  silver  cloud  you'd  have  them  dance  upon 

Brings  back  to  mind  the  falling  clouds  of  snow 

When  first  we  met ;— thank  God  that  I  do  now 

Feel  its  cold  chill  but  in  imagination : — 

Sweet  Catharine,  do  you  recall  the  hour? 
Cath.     Ah,  well  do  I,  and  two  conflicting  feelings, 

Like  night  and  day,  do  meet  in  memory ; 

The  one — the  bright  one — tells  me  then  I  met  thee. 

The  other,  dark,  does  tell  me  of  the  storm. 

And  as  the  night  is  but  a  shadow  of  the  day, 

So  is  the  suff ' ring  of  that  dreary  hour 

A  shadow  only  to  the  joy  of  thee  ! 
Jos.       Sweet  friend,  I  thank  thee  ;  would  that  all  my  thanks 

Did  bear  a  thousand  blessings  on  their  backs  : — 

We  have  been  friends  in  dark  misfortune's  hour, 

Let  us  be  friends  forever. 
Cath.  Though  we  have 

No  other  food,  we'll  live  on  that  till  death. 
Jos.       Last  night  I  dreamed  of  those  far  off  at  home — 

At  home,  said  I? — I  never  had  a  home — 

Of  that  far  land,  upon  the  Western  shore, 

Of  which  I  told  thee. 
Cath.  Nay,  you  did  not  tell  me, 

Except  that  once  you  had  a  few  friends  there  ; — 

But  tell  me  now,  while  we  are  resting  here, 

About  those  friends. 

[Enter  GODFREY  and  a  DETECTIVE. 
Jos.       But  who  are  these,  that  come  with  eagerness 

Peering  out  through  their  eyes.     What !  can  it  be  ? 
Cath.    Who? 

God.     Now  are  you  found  at  last,  my  heart's  sweet  treasure ! 
Jos.       Found,  found,  found ! 
God.      Aye,  found,  my  darling,  after  searching  long 

And  wearily  for  you. 
Jos.       Now  is  the  odor  of  life's  flowers  of  joy 

Borne  to  me  by  the  breath  of  happiness 

Oh,  'tis  too  sweet  to  be  a  thing  of  earth ! 

This  happiness  is  far  too  sweet  for  earth ! 

Some  envious  thing  will  soon  be  creeping  in 

To  murder  it. 
Qod.     Oh,  that  I  had  a  pen,  the  which  could  write 

The  roffc's  breath,  the  drooping  lily's  hue ; 


CAPTAIN    GKUNYON.  131 

• 

Then  would  I  place,  'mid  breath  of  flowers  that  die 

Upon  the  lonely  prairie,  while  awaiting 

For  the  return  of  its  long  absent  mate ; 

Or  birds  that  wept  out  songs  of  melody, 

And  in  a  prison  died ;  the  tales  of  these 

Sweet  moments. 
Jos.       Now  let  me  make  known  to  thee,  Godfrey 

My  only  friend,  except  yourself,  on  earth. 
God.     As  thou  hast  been  the  friend  of  Josephine, 

I  know  that  thou  art  gentle,  loving,  kind, 

And  I  do  covet  back  the  years  now  gone 

In  which  I  might  have  known  thee. 
Cath.  And  all  joy, 

That  ye  have  felt  at  meeting,  have  I  shared 

With  you.     And  now  may  Time,  with  each  year,  reap 

A  harvest  of  his  greatest  blessings  for  you — 

F.arewell !     [starts  to  go.~\ 
Jos.      Nay,  but  you  shall  not  go ! 

You  have 

Been  sister  to  me  in  adversity, 

By  your  own  wish ;  and  now,  by  my  command, 

You  shall  be  sister  in  prosperity. 

God.      There,  Josephine  did  speak  my  thought  for  me. 
Jos.       Then  let  us  quickly  to  the  Sunset  State. 

Mr.  Geseign  looked  up  when  he  had  finished  the 
above,  and  noticing  the  fact  that  his  companion  was 
asleep,  he  ceased  to  make  extracts  from  his  play,  and 
with  the  sigh  of  a  neglected  genius  took  it  back  to  his 
room  and  tossed  it  carelessly  into  a  wooden  box  at  the 
foot  of  his  bed. 


CHAPTER    IV. 

CAPTAIN     GKUNYON. 


A  FTER  depositing  his  MS.  in  the  box  at  the  foot  of 
J\.  his  bed,  as  was  said  in  the  last  chapter,  Mr.  Geseign 
went  down  into  the  large  kitchen  in  the  back  part  of 


132  CAPTAIN    GRUNYON. 

the  hotel  and  on  the  first  floor  thereof.  In  this  room  a 
number  of  persons  in  white  aprons  were  at  work  ;  they 
wore  white  caps,  and  over  the  large  range  stood  several 
such  persons  superintending  the  cooking.  The  steam 
from  the  stew  in  several  large  brass  pots  on  the  stove 
was  rising  into  the  air  and  mingling  with  the  odor  of 
fresh  carrots,  which  arose  from  a  table  in  a  corner, 
where  a  man  was  cutting  them  in  a  wooden  vessel  with 
a  chopping-knife.  With  this  musical  weapon  he  played 
a  number  of  entertaining  tunes,  amongst  them  "Yan 
kee  Doodle  "  on  the  bottom  of  the  vessel. 

"Where's  Becky?  "asked  Mr.  Geseign,  addressing 
this  personage. 

"  Hey  ?  "  said  the  man,  stopping  in  the  middle  of  a 
sentimental  tune. 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "it  is  hardly — hay — but 
Becky." 

"  Hanging  clothes  in  the  yard,"  said  the  man,  going 
on  with  his  work. 

As  it  was  about  an  hour  before  he  would  have  to  go 
to  the  Oakland  boat,  to  attend  to  the  passengers  who 
came  from  the  East  on  the  afternoon  train,  Mr.  Geseign 
strolled  down  the  stairway  which  led  from  the  kitchen 
to  the  little  back  yard  of  the  Golden  Chariot  Hotel. 
Here  he  found  Becky,  with  her  dress  pinned  up,  and  by 
her  side  a  large  basket  of  white  clothes,  which  she  was 
hanging  out  upon  the  lines,  which  ran  across  the  yard, 
while  in  her  mouth  she  held  a  couple  of  clothes-pins. 
Mr.  Geseign,  with  gallantly  worthy  of  his  blooded 
ancestors,  proceeded  to  assist  her  to  hang  out  the 
clothes.  After  ordering  him  to  desist  several  times, 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  133 

she  at  last  yielded ;  and  while  she  took  one  end  of  the 
piece,  he  took  the  other  end.  Several  pieces  had  been 
hung  out  in  this  manner,  when  a  great  misfortune  hap 
pened  to  Mr.  Geseign.  He  dropped  one  end  of  an 
unusually  large  piece  of  linen.  Considering  discretion 
the  better  part  of  valor,  under  the  circumstances,  Mr. 
Geseign  took  to  his  heels,  but  not  before  she  had  struck 
him  over  the  head  several  times  with  a  heavy  bathing 
towel,  and  when  he  started  up  the  back  stairway,  with 
the  straw  portion  of  a  broom  she  hit  him  over  the  head 
several  times  before  he  reached  the  top. 

Mr.,  Geseign  next  loitered  into  the  reading-room, 
where  he  sat  down  at  a  table  and  took  up  an  illustrated 
paper,  and  in  a  few  moments  his  whole  mind  was  ab 
sorbed  in  contemplating  the  features  of  a  murderous 
barber,  in  light  checked  pants  ;  it  was  the  picture  of  a 
man  on  the  scaffold,  with  crape  over  his  eyes,  who  was 
in  the  act  of  singing  a  dolorous  Methodist  hymn  during 
his  last  moments,  but  who  seemed  by  the  expression  on 
his  face  to  find  it  quite  difficult  to  sing  to  his  own  full 
satisfaction,  because  of  the  choking  sensation  produced 
by  the  disagreeable  noose  already  around  his  neck. 
Mr.  Geseign  was  just  in  the  act  of  examining  the  pic 
ture  of  a  gorilla,  which  was  carrying  off  a  child  it 
had  taken  from  its  cradle,  while  the  mother  was  seen 
in  the  distance  running  after  the  gorilla,  with  her 
hands  in  the  air,  when  his  attention  was  attracted  by  a 
stout  Frenchman,  who  was  sitting  near  one  of  the  win 
dows.  This  person  at  the  same  moment  arose  and 
came  over  and  sat  beside  Mr.  Geseign. 

"I  have  seen,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  looking  at  him  for 


134  CAPTAIN    GRUNYON. 

some  moments,  "your  —  benevolent  countenance  — 
before." 

"  You  have,"  said  the  gentleman  of  French  origin ; 
"you  have  seen  me  about  the  police  court." 

Mr.  Geseign  nodded. 

"  I  saw  you  with  a  stout  man  with  a  white  vest  on, 
who  was  arrested  and  charged  with  felony." 

"  Did  you  ? — and  I  saw  you,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  He's  a  friend  of  yours  ?  " 

"I've  known  him  four  days,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"It  don't  make  no  difference.  How's  he  off  for 
cash  ?  "  asked  the  other. 

"Off  for  cash?"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  winking  at  the 
Frenchman  with  his  left  eye.  "He's  off — off  like  a 
shot  —  for  cash.  Where  —  do  you  want  him  —  to  go? 
He'll  go— for  cash." 

"  No,  no  !  "  said  the  other.     "  Has  he  got  money  ?  " 

"A — wagon  load,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  looking  curi 
ously  at  the  Frenchman. 

"A  beautiful  little  pile,"  said  the  Frenchman. 

"  Make  your  eyes — water,"  said  Mr.  Geseign." 

"  I  suppose,"  said  his  companion,  "  you'd  like  to  go 
in  for  the  pickings  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  In  the  safe  deposit — I 
have  three  vaults — filled  with  diamonds.  I  crave  — 
nothing  more." 

"But,"  said  the  other,  "he'll  want  a  lawyer?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Well,  then,  I'll  tell  you  just  what  I'll  do,"  said  the 
man  of  French  descent.  "  I'll  make  you  a  square  offer." 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  135 

"  Oh !  thanks  —  you  overpower  me  ! "  said  Mr. 
Geseign. 

"I'm  working  for  the  law  firm  of  Turlbridge  and 
Monkey,"  said  the  Frenchman.  "  Now,  if  you'll  get 
your  friend  to  employ  them  as  his  lawyers,  I  get  a  third 
interest  in  the  fee,  and  I'll  go  halves  with  you." 

"  You  take  me  —  by  surprise,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 
"Will  you  give  me — one  day — to  consider?" 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  other. 

"Thank  you,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "your  kindness — 
I  will  nevah — no,  nevah,  forget." 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Frenchman,  as  they  shook  hands 
heartily  arid  parted. 

Mr.  Geseign  next  went  down  the  steps  of  the  Golden 
Chariot  and  walked  leisurely  along  Washington  street 
to  the  Oakland  boat.  On  the  boat  he  met  on  the  lower 
deck  Mr.  Barium,  Sr.,  Sammy  Barium,  the  "cheeky 
phenomenon,"  arid  a  number  of  the  "  Convivials." 
They  talked  over  the  late  meeting  of  the  club  until 
they  had  crossed  the  bay,  and  until  the  people  who  had 
arrived  on  the  Overland  train  from  the  Eastern  States 
were  on  the  boat.  They  then  formed  in  line,  Mr. 
Geseign  being  at  the  head  of  it — Master  Barium,  Jr., 
assuming  the  next  place,  a  stout  runner  the  next,  Mr. 
Barium,  Sr.,  the  next,  several  tall  and  cheeky  persons 
the  next,  and  a  very  stout  and  cheeky  runner  at  the 
end  of  the  line,  who  swung  his  hands  as  he  followed 
the  others,  and  blew  his  nose  violently  between  his 
fingers  semi-occasionally.  With  the  gilt  letters  spelling 
the  names  of  the  hotels  which  they  represented  on  their 
hatbands  glittering  in  the  sunlight,  they  went  solemnly 


136  CAPTAIN    GRUNTON. 

up  the  stairway  which  led  to  the  upper  deck  of  the 
steamer.  Keeping  no  time,  as  they  walked,  but  each 
one  assuming  that  step  which  pleased  him  most,  they 
wandered  around  the  line  of  seats  on  the  deck  in  Indian 
file,  each  calling  out  the  name  of  the  hotel  he  repre 
sented  ;  and  every  few  moments  one  would  fall  sud 
denly  out  of  the  line  to  pounce  upon  a  victim. 
"  Golden  Char-riot !  "  sang  out  Mr.  Geseign,  in  his  most 
melodious  tone  of  voice,  "Danube  Ho-o-otel !  "  sang 
out  Sammy  Barium,  Jr.,  as  he  seized  upon  a  little  Ger 
man  from  the  Vaterland.  "  Internay-shun-al ! "  sang 
out  another.  "Lick  'us'!"  cried  the  next  man,  in  a 
saucy  tone.  "  Cos-s-s-s-mopolitan  ! "  cried  still  another, 
in  a  hoarse  voice.  Mr.  Thomas  Geseign  now  opened 
the  cabin  door  and  the  company  marched  into  the  large 
saloon,  the  stout  man  at  the  tail  end  swinging  his  arms 
so  violently  that  he  struck  his  fist  against  the  brass 
lock  of  the  door  as  he  went  in.  While  passing  the  red 
plush  seats  surrounding  the  white  smoke  stack,  Mr. 
Geseign  was  suddenly  stopped  by  a  peculiar  looking 
person  who  held  a  hickory  cane  across  the  aisle.  Mr. 
Geseign  looked  at  the  man  inquisitively.  "  Take  a 
seat  beside  me,"  said  that  person,  glancing  at  the  letters 
on  Mr.  Geseign's  hat. 

Mr.  Geseign  gazed  carefully  at  this  person.  He  had 
a  long,  cadaverous  countenance,  sunken  cheeks,  shaggy 
eyebrows,  a  large  nose  and  a  sallow  complexion.  He 
wore  a  fur  cap  which,  as  it  had  a  low  crown,  made  his 
face  look  longer  still.  The  cane  which  he  held  in  his 
hand  was  a  heavy  one.  Lying  by  his  side  was  a  cir 
cular  cloak  with  a  blue  lining.  His  legs  were  crossed, 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  137 

and  the  top  leg,  below  the  knee,  was  of  wood.  His 
vest  was  white,  except  where  there  were  upon  it  yellow 
stains  of  tobacco  juice.  A  neat  gold  chain  hung  from 
his  vest  pocket.  » 

"You  represent  the  Golden  Chariot?"  said  this 
person. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Shake,  sir,"  said  the  other,  holding  out  a  lean, 
yellow  hand. 

"I  shall — with  pleasure — and  pride,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign. 

"  My  name,"  said  the  other,  gruffly,  "  is  Captain 
Grunyon.  My  leg  was  shot  off." 

44  How  are  you,  Captain  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  shaking 
his  hand  again. 

"  I  went  into  the  war  with  the  Forty-fourth  Tennes 
see,"  said  the  Captain,  "with  two  whole  legs.  I 
weighed  one  hundred  and  fifty  pounds.  When  I  came 
out  and  took  an  inventory  and  found  I  was  one  leg 
short,  as  you  see,  I  weighed  one  hundred  and  sixty.  I 
leave  you  to  explain  it.  Your  name,  young  man,  is — " 

"  Geseign,"  said  that  individual. 

44  Geseign  ?  "  said  the  Captain  ;  "  well,  Geseign,  I'm 
looking  for  a  young  fellow  named  Oldbiegh,  who,  I 
believe,  is  stopping  at  the  Golden  Chariot.  Do  you 
know  him,  Geseign  ?  " 

44  Like  myself — and  better,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Very  good,"  said  the  Captain,  in  a  gruff  tone. 
44  Junius  Oldbiegh  ?  " 

44  Junius  Oldbiegh,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

44  The  little  imp !  "  said  the  Captain,  smiling,   as  if 


138  CAPTAIN   GRUNYON. 

recalling  something  in  the  past,  "  what  an  outrageous, 
mischievous,  villainous  and  everlasting  monkey  he 
used  to  be !  Thunder  and  lightning !  how  the  little 
villain  used  to  rob  orchards  !  It  seemed  like  sleight- 
of-hand  !  Why,  sir,  he  was  an  outrageous  parody  upon 
the  good  Sunday-school  scholar,  and  I  was  his  everlast 
ing  bosom  friend  and  companion  in  all  youthful  mis 
chief.  Ah  !  we  were  a  couple  of  birds !  " 

Mr.  Geseign  looked  at  his  companion  in  prolonged 
astonishment.  "  You  were  boys,"  said  he,  at  last, 
"and  boys — genuine  boys — are  birds." 

The  Captain  had  with  him  a  consumptive-looking 
little  dog,  with  sunken,  sore  eyes.  This  animal  was 
curled  up  on  his  circular  cloak.  The  dog  was  so  thin 
it  could  hardly  walk,  and  its  coat  of  hair  was  of  a 
dirty  yellow  color.  Noticing  the  fact  that  Mr.  Geseign 
was  looking  at  the  dog  curiously,  the  Captain  said : 

"  The  most  wretched  and  unhappy  dog  in  existence, 
at  this  moment,  on  the  face  of  the  globe.  He  never 
smiles.  He's  such  a  sickly,  unhappy  and  wretched 
little  skunk  that  other  dogs  won't  notice  him.  He's 
nothing  more  than  a  sickly  collection  of  rheumatic 
bones,  wrapped  up  in  a  tissue  hide,  with  hollow  eyes ; 
and  yet  the  loathsome  little  beast  has  taken  a  liking  to 
me,  and  being  lame  in  his  fore  leg,  as  I  am  in  mine, 
he  hobbles  after  my  lame  leg  in  a  way  that  touches  my 
heart;  and  as  all  the  members  of  his  own  race  have 
deserted  him,  I'm  blest  if  I  don't  share  my  last  dollar 
with  him!" 

"  Is  he  good  for — say — to  catch  rats  ?  "  said  Mr. 
Geseign. 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  139 

"It  may  be  owing  to  his  present  state  of  health,  but 
I  have  not  discovered  that  he  is  good  for  one  solitary 
thing  in  the  whole  world,"  said  the  Captain.  "  He 
does  not  possess  one  redeeming  trait.  He  is  so  infi 
nitely  good  for  nothing  that  for  the  very  lack  of  redeem 
ing  qualities  this  little  beast  is  the  most  remarkable 
dog  that  I  ever  saw." 

By  this  time  the  boat  had  landed,  and  following 
after  the  crowd  of  passengers  they  soon  were  pass 
ing  by  a  number  of  persons  who  incessantly  cried, 
"  Wh'ants  a  hack?  "and  this  crowd  was  interspersed 
with  talkative  persons  who  cried,  "depress  wagon!" 
and  with  one  individual  who  tried  to  seize  the  Cap 
tain's  cloak,  and  another  who  wanted  to  carry  his  dog. 
The  din  of  their  voices  was  deafening. 

"Which  cars  do  we  take?"  asked  the  Captain. 

"  We'll  go  up  in  the  hotel  wagon,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

They  soon  reached  a  large  coach  painted  yellow, 
with  a  little  iron  railing  around  the  roof,  and  on  the 
side  was  painted  the  words,  "  Golden  Chariot,"  and 
underneath  the  words  was  the  picture  of  a.  golden 
chariot  which  was  being  drawn  by  six  bay  horses  on  a 
dead  run. 

The  Captain  hobbled  up  the  back  steps  into  the 
coach,  and  Mr.  Geseign  lifted  the  whining  cur,  which 
was  making  vain  attempts  to  get  up  the  steps,  in  after 
him.  Mr.  Geseign  then  climbed  rapidly  up  to  the  seat 
in  front,  took  the  reins,  shoved  the  brake  loose  with 
his  right  foot,  and  away  they  drove. 

"  Show  the  gentleman — to  thirty-three — to  Mr.  Old- 


140  CAPTAIN    GRUNYON. 

biegh's  room,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  to  a  waiter,  when  the 
coach  drew  up  in  front  of  the  Golden  Chariot. 

"  Mr.  Oldbiegh  has  just  gone  up  to  his  room,"  said 
the  waiter ;  "  this  way,  sir." 

The  Captain  threw  his  cloak  over  his  shoulder,  and 
with  the  dog  under  his  arm  followed  the  waiter  up  to 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  apartment.  The  waiter  knocked  at  the 
door  and  left  the  Captain  standing  there  with  the  dog 
under  his  arm.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  opened  the  door  and 
looked  at  his  visitor.  The  Captain  with  a  gloomy  look 
stood  immovable  as  a  sentinel  at  his  post.  As  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  continued  to  gaze  at  him,  a  look  of  recogni 
tion  gradually  overspread  his  features ;  and,  at  last, 
with  a  smile  over  his  whole  face,  he  stepped  suddenly 
forward  and  took  the  Captain,  dog  and  all,  in  his  arms. 

"  Why,  it's  my  old  schoolmate,  Jack  Grunyon,  arter 
all ! "  said  he,  his  great  blue  eyes  beaming  with  pleas 
ure.  The  two  continued  to  embrace  each  other  so 
heartily  that  the  sickly  dog,  being  between  them, 
yelped  loudly  in  self-defense.  The  two  old  friends  had 
a  long  talk  over  old  times,  and  when  Mr.  Geseign 
came  up-stairs,  he  found  them  with  their  arms  around 
each  other's  backs,  walking  up  and  down  the  hall,  the 
Captain's  wooden  leg  making  a  thumping  noise  and 
the  dog,  with  it's  fore  leg  in  the  air,  limping  at  his 
heels.  The  features  of  both  the  gentlemen  were  beam 
ing  with  happiness.  As  Mr.  Geseign  came  up,  the 
idea  struck  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  his  companion  might  be 
tired,  so  he  invited  him  into  his  room,  where  they  sat 
down.  Mr.  Geseign  was  asked  if  they  couldn't  have 
dinner  in  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  room,  and  he  promised  to  see 


CAPTAIX    GRUNYON.  141 

the  landlord  and  have  the  arrangements  made,  and  was 
invited  to  be  present  himself.  Mr.  Geseign  then  went 
away  and  left  the  two  companions  alone  together. 

"  Did  you  notice  that  ?ar'  young  man  ? "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"I  did,"  said  the  Captain. 

"  Did  you  notice  anything  peculiar  or  extraordinary 
about  him  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  "  he  has  a  queer  way  of 
speaking,  and  his  tone  of  voice  is  most  peculiar." 

"Did  you  notice  anything  else?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

14 No,  I  don't  know  as  I  did, '"said  the  Captain. 

"  That  'ar'  young  man,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  who  is 
the  smartest  young  man  in  America,  and  writes  reg'- 
lar  tragedies,  is  a  Lord,  a  reg'lar  snob,  and  full  blue, 
blood,  and  he's  the  best  natured  young  fellow  in  town, 
for  a  Lord;  and  he  aren't  ashamed  to  work  for  his 
living  like  a  white  man,  though  he  are  a  Lord." 

"What  Lord?  which  Lord?  whose  Lord?"  asked 
the  Captain. 

"  A  snob  Lord,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "a  reg'lar  thor 
oughbred  blue  blood,  descended  from  William  the 
Conqueror,  a  chap  who  fought  like  forty  fiends  when 
he  once  got  turned  loose,  a  reg'lar  blooded  terror ! " 

"  Speaking  of  fighting,"  said  the  Captain,  changing 
the  subject,  "do  you  remember  our  last  fight  at 
school?" 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I  guess  I  do,  for  a  man 
don't  forget  a  good  whoppin' — and  the  way  I  got  whop 
ped  !  haw  !  haw  !  " 

"No,"  said  the  Captain,  "I  was  whipped." 


142  CAPTAIN    GRUNYON. 

"  No,  you  warn't,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "  I  was  the 
one  that  was  whopped." 

"  Blast  it,  no  !  "  said  the  Captain,  "you  whipped  me." 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  good-natured  smile 
all  over  his  broad  features,  "you  just  etarnally  lar 
ruped  and  whopped  me." 

"Blast  it!  "said  the  Captain,  again,  "no,  you  are 
fearfully  mistaken;  you  punched  my  nose  flat,  so  flat 
with  the  face  that  it  did  not  begin  to  protrude  for  a 
week  afterwards.  I  was  so  sore,  Oldbiegh,  that  I  did 
not  dare  to  sit  down  for  a  month,  and  the  first  time  I 
tried  it  I  yelled  like  an  Indian,  and  I  was  so  weak  that 
I  felt  as  limp  as  a  wet  dish-cloth.  You  swept  the  play 
ground  with  me  like  a  whirlwind ;  and  when  recollec 
tion  came  back  at  three  o'clock  the  next  day,  I  was 
lying  in  bed  at  home  cursing  like  a  young  fiend  because 
I  had  hunted  in  vain  to  find  one  bone  which  did  not 
seem  to  be  broken.  Blast  it !  I'll  take  my  oath  that 
you  whipped  me  !  " 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  had  watched  the 
earnest  gesticulations  of  the  Captain  and  the  expres 
sions  on  his  face,  "I'll  just  be  etarnally  bobbed,  darned 
ef  I  don't!" 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain,  "if  you  like.  But  I 
was  most  beautifully  punished  and  intensely  whipped. 
Why,  Oldbiegh,  I  was  the  most  despicable  looking 
little  wretch,  the  most  hideous  looking  little  brute,  a 
wretched  looking  little  monstrosity  for  months  after. 
I  can  recall  the  expression  of  a  hyena  that  beamed  on 
my  little  countenance  in  those  days  for  months  after 
that  whipping,  blast  it !  " 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  143 

At  this  moment  a  waiter  came  in  and  pulled  out  a 
table,  which  sat  between  the  two  windows,  into  the 
centre  of  the  room,  and  took  the  red  cover  off  and 
put  a  white  cover  on.  He  went  out  and  soon  returned 
with  forks,  knives,  plates  and  glasses.  In  a  little 
while  the  table  was  set  and  a  little  later,  when  a  bottle 
of  red  claret  was  on  the  board,  and  a  dish  of  broiled 
chickens,  with  heavy,  delicious  gravy,  dinner  was  ready. 

"Call  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  to  the  waiter; 
"  do  you  know  where  he  is  ?  " 

"  He  is  down  in  the  trunk  room,  helping  Becky, 
sir." 

"  Tell  him  to  come  up,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Now," 
said  he,  when  the  waiter  was  gone,  "  now,  Jack,  you'll 
see  the  smartest  and  most  wonderful  man  in  the  State 
of  California.  If  he  only  had  coin,  there's  no  telling 
what  he  wouldn't  be.  Nobody  could  guess." 

Mr.  Geseign  entered  and  the  Captain  surveyed  him 
carefully  from  under  his  shaggy  eyebrows. 

"  Well,  Junius,"  said  the  Captain,  as  he  filled  first 
Mr.  Olclbiegh's  glass,  then  Mr.  Geseign's,  and  then  his 
own  to  the  brim  with  claret,"  I've  come  to  carry  you 
back  home  with  me  to  my  ranch,  and  when  I  get  you 
there,  there  you'll  stay,  so  you  can  just  pack  up  every 
thing  you've  got  and  pay  your  hotel  bill  to  date." 

"  I'm  afraid  I  can't  go  now,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"That  won't  do,"  said  the  Captain.  "As  soon  as  I 
saw  your  name  in  the  paper,  I  threw  my  wooden  leg 
over  my  horse,  took  my  canine  friend  under  my  arm, 
threw  my  cloak  over  my  shoulder,  and  while  I  kicked 
my  horse  with  my  wooden  leg,  I  flew  like  a  witch  on  a 


144  CAPTAIN   GRUNYON. 

broomstick  to  the  nearest  station,  took  the  cars,  and 
here  I  am  ;  and  you  shan't  refuse  me.  No,  certainly, 
blast  it !  " 

"But,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "I  may  be  detained." 

"  Pshaw !  "  said  the  Captain,  "  throw  business  aside. 
You  are  not  a  villainous  jail-bird  to  be  held  upon  com 
pulsion  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  lost  his  color  and  did  not  speak  for  a 
moment.  At  last  he  recovered,  and  his  sterling  hon 
esty  induced  him  to  look  the  Captain  steadily  in  the 
face,  as  he  said:  "Mr.  Grunyon — " 

"  Captain,"  said  the  other,  correcting  him. 

"  Captain  Grunyon,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  at 
him  sternly,  "I'm  that  'ar'.  I'm  a  darned  jail-bird  !" 

"  Blast  it !  "  said  the  Captain,  striking  the  floor  with 
his  wooden  leg,  as  he  picked  up  a  chicken  wing,  "  I 
say  you  are  not !  " 

"Bnt,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "Captain  Grunyon,  I  am 
arrested  at  this  moment,  and  I'm  in  the  most  awful  fix 
ever  a  white  man  got  into  yet.  I'll  be  just  etarnally 
bobbed  ef  I  aren't !  "  and  the  perspiration  began  to 
run  out  of  his  forehead  at  the  very  idea  of  the  fix  he 
was  in. 

"  Blast  it !  "  said  the  Captain,  as  he  thumped  the  floor 
again  with  his  wooden  leg,  "  I  say  you  are  not !  You're 
not  a  jail-bird,"  and  then  he  continued  to  nibble  at  his 
chicken  wing. 

"Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "aren't  I  arrested 
along  of  a  two-forty  widdyer  ?  " 

"Never  mind,"  said  the  Captain,  waving  his  hand, 
"  I  know  the  circumstances.  You  were  trapped  by  a 


CAPTAIN   GRUNYON.  145 

venomous  and  toothless  old  night  hawk.  I  met  a  few 
of  the  birds  in  my  youth.'* 

"Did  yon  see,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  speaking  to  Mr. 

Oldbiegh,  "the  youthful  Adonis — -sitting  in  the  office — 

to-day?     Ladedah  coat — Ladedah   hat — Ladedah   vest 

—  Ladedah  shoes  — Adonis  Ladedah  —  Ladedah  crea* 

chaw?— oh!  Ladedah  ( " 

" 1  think  I  did,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  His  career  —  is  queer,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  quite 
curious — and  very  romantic.  He  went  to  college— and 
drank — beer  for — an  education.  He  was  hazed — hazed 
others  himself,  and  studied — little.  He  met — in  San 
Francisco — a  lady.  The  Captain — describes  her.  He 
loved  her — fiercely.  He  bought  her — candy — a  pair — 
of — gloves.  Took  her — to  the  theatre.  His  expenses — 
grew  heavy.  His  father — was  a  parson.  He  wrote  to 
him — for  money — to  buy — boots  !  A  week  later — for 
money — to  buy — shirts.  Later — for  money — to  pay — 
pew  rent.  His  father — in  church — took  up — a  collec 
tion.  Late i — took  up — another.  More  boots — more 
collection.  The  young  man's  lady — must  have  a  seal 
skin—coat.  More  boots — more  collection.  The  vestry 
— grumble.  The  congregation — is  furious.  The  young 
man — keeps  calling — for  boots.  The  church — is  mort 
gaged — is  sold.  The  young  man — calls  for  boots  once 
again.  No — response — no  echo — of  boots!  The  lady 
— forgets  him — loves  another.  She  marries — a  mil 
lionaire.  Young  man  —  feels  degraded  —  and  crazy. 
Becomes  a — sneak  thief.  Effects  of  love.  Beautiful 
story — by  Thomas  Geseign.  I  have  more  ready.  Any 
thing  supplied — on  short  notice — from  the  grandest 
9 


146  CAPTAIN    G RUN YON. 

tragedy  • —  to  sidesplitting  comedy  —  by  Thomas  Ge- 
seign  ! " 

u  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  without  noticing  Mr. 
Geseign,  "  cairt  you  get  this  case  put  off?  " 

"It  was  put  off — for  two  weeks —to-day,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign . 

"Is  that  so?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  The  solemn — truth,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  "you'll  go  now?" 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  promised  to  go.  It  was  therefore 
arranged  that  they  would  go  the  next  morning,  but  not 
on  the  earliest  train,  as  the  Captain  wanted  to  purchase 
some  hunting-jackets,  to  get  some  guns  which  were 
being  repaired,  to  buy  some  fishing-tackle,  and  to  go 
and  get  a  wonderful  dog  which  a  friend  had  promised 
to  present  to  him.  In  order  to  make  some  purchases 
for  his  wife,  he  got  up  and  left  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  promis 
ing  to  be.  back  by  eight  p.  M.  Looking  at  his  large 
silver  watch,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  said :  "  You'll  hardly  have 
time." 

"  Yes,  I  will,"  said  the  Captain,  glancing  at  his 
wooden  leg.  "I  can  stump  along  like  a  moving  whirl 
wind  on  it.  There's  a  tack  in  the  end,  and  wherever  I 
go,  I  leave  such  an  impression  in  the  sidewalk  that 
people  think  top  time  is  in  again.  By  the  way,"  said 
the  Captain,  still  lingering,  "  I  was  not  a  one-legged 
creature  when  you  knew  me  last.  I  left  it  on  the  bat 
tle  field  where  I  suppose  it  is  a  whitened,  grinning 
skeleton  of  a  leg  now.  But  we'll  talk  of  the  war  when 
we  get  out  to  the  ranch."  And  he  hobbled  through 
the  door. 


CAPTAIN    GRUNYON.  147 

44  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oidbiegh,  clasping  his  legs,  as 
he  sat  in  his  chair  and  gazed  at  that  gentleman,  who 
sat  opposite  to  him,  with  his  chair  tilted  back  against 
the  wall,  4t  Tommy,  how'd  you  like  to  go  into  my  ser 
vice?  I  beg  your  pardon,  Tommy,  I  don't  mean  go 
into  my  service,  but  how'd  you  like  to  go  round  with 
me  and  be  with  me  and  have  your  expenses  paid.  You 
see,  the  fact  of  the  matter  is  I've  got  money,  and  I  see 
day  after  day  the  sharks  are  arter  me,  especially  the 
females,  and  when  a  man  is  in  such  a  fix  he  better  look 
sharp,  and  I  aren't  got  the  knowledge  to  look  arter  it ; 
so  I  want  somebody  to  act  as  a  kind  of  President  of 
the  corporation  ;  and  as  ther'  aren't  nothing  at  all  that 
you  haven't  seen  and  don't  know,  you  are  the  man." 

"You  flatter  me — when  you  mention-^-my  acquire 
ments.  You  make  me  —  too  utterly — utter  —  in  the 
ways — of  wisdom.  Call  me — Solomon — Solomon  Ge- 
seign — and  make  me  blush  !  But  really — you  are- 
mistaken.  In  this  cruel  city — I  am: — but  an  insignifi 
cant  feather — blown  on — the  wind." 

44  No,  you  aren't,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oidbiegh  ;  44  so 
don't  be  modest." 

44  Oh  !  allow  me — but  once  more — the  sweet  privi 
lege  !  Modesty — think  of  it!  Bashfulness,  its — twin 
sister!  Oh!  don't  prevent  me!  I  will — be  modest. 
Oh  !  don't  prevent  me — I  must  be  bashful!  You  wish 
me — to  live  —  on  your  money  and  —  do  nothing  —  in 
return.  Kind — and  generous — friend  !  You  are  kind 
— overkind, — but  I  cannot — no,  nevah!  " 

44  Why,  Tommy  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oidbiegh,  4i  aren't  your 
services  worth  more  than  I'd  pay  for  them?  Don't  I 


148  CAPTAIN    GRUNYON. 

need  some  one  to  go  along  with  me  what's  had  expe 
rience?     Aren't  this  here  logical  argument?  " 

"  Have  you  ever — before  had — such  a  companion  ? ' 
"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  and  I  aren't  run  with 
snobs  before  neither  ;  and  if  I  talked  the  wrong  lan 
guage  to  a  lot  of  miners,  or  in  a  Chinese  wash-house, 
or  done  the  wrong  thing  what  wasn't  fashionable,  it 
didn't  set  everybody  by  the  ears,  as  it  does  the  snobs. 
I'm  told  if  you  eat  with  your  knife,  or  do  anything 
unfashionable,  every  darned  snob  keeps  a  chattering 
about  it;  and  they  all  keep  chattering  about  it,  like  a 
set  of  darned  monkeys,  for  six  months  to  come.  Now, 
Tommy,  I  want  some  one  who's  had  experience  to  keep 
along  with  me,  and  tip  me  a  wink  at  the  right  moment 
and  prevent  me  from  shooting  off  my  mouth  unfash- 
ionably  ;  and  from-  your  experience,  I'd  rather  have 
you  than  any  other  man.  If  you  don't  agree,  I'll  ad 
vertise  in  the  personal  column  of  the  papers  and  take 
the  first  galoot  who  shows  up." 

After  talking  over  the  matter,  at  length  it  was  agreed 
that  Mr.  Geseign  was  to  throw  up  his  present  employ 
ment  and  act  as  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  travelling  companion, 
for  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  made  up  his  mind  to  travel  to 
the  places  of  summer  resort  after  his  visit  to  Captain 
Grunyon,  in  case  the  criminal  prosecution  against  him 
terminated  favorably. 


A   TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  149 

CHAPTER   V. 

A  TOUK  WITH  MAJOR  HAWKINS. 

A  T  the  moment  that  a  distant  bell  struck  eight,  the 
.LlL  Captain's  wooden  leg  was  heard  thumping  along 
the  hall.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  opened  the  door,  shook  hands 
witk  him  again,  and  then  they  both  took  seats  by  the 
window.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  produced  a  green  pasteboard 
box  from  a  shelf  over  the  washstand,  and  handed  it  to 
the  Captain.  It  was  filled  with  Durham  tobacco,  and 
on  top  of  the  tobacco  rested  a  couple  of  pipes. 

"  I've  got  my  pipe  with  me,"  said  the  Captain,  taking 
out  of  the  inside  pocket  of  his  coat  an  immense  meer 
schaum,  carved  into  the  shape  of  a  stout  mermaid. 
The  manner  in  which  the  pipe  was  colored  showed  that 
it  had  been  used  many  years.  The  pipes  in  the  box 
were  large  and  of  the  brier  root  variety.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
filled  one  of  these.  "During  the  war,"  said  the  Cap 
tain,  lighting  a  match  and  holding  it  near  his  pipe  until 
it  went  out,  while  lie  continued  to  talk,  u  the  hardest 
trouble  we  had  was  to  get  chewing  tobacco."  He 
lighted  several  more  matches,  which  -also  went  out, 
while  he  was  talking.  "  You  ought  to  have  seen  me, 
after  my  first  campaign,  when  I  returned  to  my  native 
village,"  said  he.  "  My  cap  was  without  a  visor,  and 
the  seams  were  ripped.  I  wore  a  blue  overcoat  with 
two  brass  buttons  on  it,  and  one  tail  gone  ;  and  there 
was  nothing  under  the  coat  but  my  body.  One  of  the 
legs  of  my  pantaloons  was  gone  below  the  knee,  so  I 
tied  it  with  a  piece  of  string,  and  drew  the  leg  of  my 


150  A   TOUR  WITH    MAJOR   HAWKINS. 

boot  over  it.  On  the  other  foot  I  wore  a  shoe  which 
had  a  piece  of  white  cord  for  a  shoe-string.  My  beard 
was  long  and  ray  hair  hung  over  my  face ;  I  was  the 
most  abominable,  hideous  and  infamous  looking  scare 
crow  that  dared  to  insult  the  sunlight  with  his  pres 
ence.  The  birds,  taking  me  for  a  scarecrow  in  reality, 
flew  in  flocks  before  me  wherever  I  went.  The  chil 
dren  screamed  with  terror." 

44  I  was  reading  in  the  newspaper  to-day,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "that  the  child  is  the  father  of  the  man,  and 
after  studying  it  out,  I'm  darned  ef  he  aren't." 

"  I  think  the  remark  is  true,"  said  the  Captain,  blow 
ing  a  cloud  of  smoke  above  him ;  "  and,  furthermore," 
in  a  philosophical  tone,  "  the  child  is  the  father,  in  the 
same  sense  of  every  other  being." 

44  The  child,"  said  the  familiar  voice  of  Mr.  Geseign, 
who  had  just  opened  the  door  and  was  still  standing 
with  his  hand  on  the  knob,  "  the  child  is  the  family — 
indicator.  He  is  —  the  family  thermometer.  By  the 
small  boy  you  will  know — -the  father.  By  the  child 
you  will  anticipate — the  mother.  If  the  small  boy — 
swears — so  does — the  father.  If  the  mother  calls  her 
husband — a  fool-r— so  will — the  child.  If  the  family 
possess  a  secret — the  child  will — relate  it.  By  their 
fruits — ye  shall  know  them.  A  freak — of  nature.  I 
have  here  some  tickets — to  the  minstrels.  The  dark 
creachaws — are  good — quite  so.  You  and  the  Captain 
had  better  go — and  enjoy  it — while  you  are — young. 
Oh!  youth!  youth!" 

44  Won't  you  go  along?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I  cannot,"  said  Mr.  Geseign ;  "other  important 
affairs  will  absorb — my  attention,"  and  he  departed. 


A   TOUR   WITH   MAJOR    HAWKINS.  151 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  suppose  we  go." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain.  "  I'm  intensely  fond 
of  minstrels  ;  suppose  we  jog  ?  " 

"It's  just  about  time,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  dragging 
his  watch  out  of  his  pocket  and  looking  long  and 
steadily  at  its  face. 

"Where  shall  we  leave  this  venomous  bulldog?" 
said  the  Captain,  glancing  down  at  the  §ickly  cur, 
which  was  licking  his  only  boot. 

"  We  might  leave  him  here,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "but 
I'm  afraid  he'd  wake  the  whole  hotel  with  his  yelping." 

"No,"  said  his  companion.  "The  little  brute  hasn't 
got  sufficient  constitution  to  yelp.  She  will  sleep  'till 
we  return." 

"  Oh  !  it's  a  she,  is  it  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

They  left  the  dog  in  the  room,  locked  the  door  and 
went  down  to  the  street.  Kearney  street  was  bril 
liantly  lighted,  and  a  crowd  of  people  was  ever  moving 
in  either  direction-  along  the  sidewalks.  A  band  of 
music  was  playing  in  front  of  the  Bella  Union ;  and  as 
th#y  had  a  few  minutes  to  spare,  the  Captain  suggested 
that  they  should  take  seats  in  the  bootblack  stand> 
which  was  situated  near  where  the  band  was  playing. 
Two  Indian  boys,  with  red  shirts  on  their  backs,  one 
of  whom  wore  a  black  leather  belt  around  his  waist, 
on  which  was  painted  in  white  letters  the  word  "Cham 
pion,"  commenced  polishing  their  three  shoes.  In  a 
little  while  the  one  boot  of  the  Captain  was  shining 
like  a  mirror,  and  the  boy  who  polished  it  spent  the 
additional  time  in  brushing  the  Captain's  clothes  and 
las  wooden  leg. 


152  A    TOUR   WITH    MAJOR   HAWKINS. 

They  had  crossed  California  street,  when  the  Cap 
tain  looked  around  to  see  where  the  music  came  from 
that  he  heard.  He  discovered,  as  soon  as  the  noise  of 
the  cable  road  ceased,  that  it  came  from  a  little  bal 
cony  above  the  door  of  the  Adelphi  Theatre.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  asked  the  Captain  what  theatre  it  was.  The 
Captain  replied  that  it  was  the  Adelphi. 

"  Why  not  go  to  that  'ar'  theatre  instead  of  Emer 
son's?" 

"I'll  show  you,"  said  the  Captain,  " if  you'll  walk 
this  way,"  and  he  limped  up  to  the  door  where  a 
picture  of  a  female  most  scantily  dressed  was  discov 
ered,  who,  while  she  stood  on  one  foot,  held  the  other 
high  in  the  air.  This  picture  was  visible  by  the  assist 
ance  of  the  gaslight  which  blazed  in  a  large  globe 
over  the  door.  "I  have  never  been  inside,"  said  the 
Captain,  "but  my  old  friend  Hawkins,  who  served 
with  me  in  the  Forty -fourth  Tennessee,  has  been,  and 
if  his  description  of  the  way  the  women  dance  the 
(van-can  is  true  to  nature,  the  show  must  be  simply 
monstrous  ! "  ^ 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  thoughtfully,  "if  we 
could  only  get  a  chance  to  see  the  show,  without  being- 
seen  ;  it's  worth  a  man's  while  to  see  it,  for  the  knowl 
edge  of  human  nature  it  gives  him." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain,  "  it's  the  best  show 
in  town  for  the  purpose  of  seeing  human  nature.  The 
knowledge  of  human  nature  gained  there,  sir,  is  of 
inestimable  value,  and  the  benefits  derived  incalcu 
lable.  If  we  could  only  get  my  friend  Hawkins  along., 


A   TOUK    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  153 

the  old  soldier  would  point  out  to  us  all  the  sights; 
about  town  ! " 

"  Why  not  get  him  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  What's' 
to  bender?" 

"  By  the  way,"  said  the  Captain,  u  now  I  think  of  it,, 
it's  only  three  blocks  from  here  to  his  house.  But 
then  it's  almost  impossible  to  communicate  with  him,, 
lor  whenever  I  come  to  town,  whicli  is  usually  about 
three  times  a  year,  Jack  and  I  generally  get  on  the 
most  terrific  sprees  together,  and,  as  a  consequence, 
his  wife  hates  me  like  a  dose  of  poison,  and  of  late, 
when  I've  called  for  Jack,  he  has  always  been  reported 
away  from  home  by  his  better-half,  who,  when  she  sees 
me  stumping  toward  the  house,  puts  him  in  a  closet 
and  keeps  him  under  lock  and  key  until  I'm  gone,  for 
he's  the  most  outrageously  hen-pecked  and  cur-like  crea 
ture  on  the  face  of  the  globe.  He  has  the  most  miser 
able,  wretched,  sneaking,  mean  and  unmanly  expression 
on  his  visage  when  in  the  presence  of  that  woman ; 
and  yet  he's  as  bold  a  soldier  as  ever  faced  the  belch 
ing  flames  from  a  row  of  columbiads." 

"  Couldn't  you  just  call  for  him  at  the  door,  without 
going  in.  You  could  send  the  servant  to  tell  him  to 
come  out ! " 

"  There  are  two  objections,"  said  the  Captain.  "  In 
the  first  place,  the  servants  all  know  me  like  a  book, 
and  they  have  orders  to  report  my  presence  at  head 
quarters  immediately  upon  my  arrival;  so  that  would 
kill  the  whole  scheme  in  its  inception.  In  the  second 
place,  Mrs.  Hawkins  is  monstrously  jealous;  and  if 
jealousy  made  people  green,  she  would  be  .as  green  as 


154  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

a  gourd  and  die  of  colic.  For  this  reason  she  watches 
Jack  with  the  eyes  of  a  detective.  It  has  come  to  such 
a  pass  that  the  man  can't  move  until  she  has  summoned 
the  servants  to  watch  him." 

"  Well,  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  .  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
u  what  a  thing  it  is  to  be  married,  arter  all ! " 

"Oh!  it  isn't  that  way  in  every  case,"  said  the  Cap 
tain,  thinking  of  himself.  "I  have  a  family  of  ten  or 
fifteen,  and  I  rule  them  with  a  rod  of  iron.  But  about 
Hawkins.  Let  me  see,  I  remember;  yes,  yes,  I  did 
get  a  letter;  and  he  said  in  it  he  was  having  a  rope 
ladder  made  by  which  he  could  slip  out  of  his  library 
window.  That's  so!  He  must  have  it  in  working 
order  by  this  time.  You  see,  Junius,  he  and  I  have 
been  corresponding  on  this  subject.  His  wife  wants 
hirn  to  write  up  the  history  of  her  family  for  his 
mother-in-law's  golden  wedding,  which  comes  off  some 
time  next  month.  I  told  him  in  my  last  letter  to 
claim,  that  he  couldn't  write,  if  there  was  any  danger 
of  disturbance;  since  then  he's  been  drawing  carica 
tures  of  his  wife's  relations  in  the  library  with  the 
door  locked  ;  and  when  he  does  slip  out  at  night,  he 
leaves  the  gas  burning,  and  this  throws  her  off  his 
track.  Now,  it's  just  possible  he's  in  the  library,  and 
if  one  of  us  was  to  take  a  stick -and  tap  on  the  win 
dow,  we  might  entice  him  out.  What  do  you  say  to 
the  scheme? " 

u  As  you  say,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Ck  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  "  we'll  take  a  drink  and 
proceed  to  the  attack." 

They  went  into  a  neighboring  saloon  and  each  took 


A    TOUR   WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  155 

his  favorite  potation.  They  then  started  for  the  house 
occupied  by  the  Captain's  friend.  This  house  was  sit 
uated  on  the  slope  of  Nob  Hill,  and  a  stone  wall  served 
as  a  fence  and  kept  the  earth  from  sliding.  They  went 
to  the  side  entrance  on  a  little  alley  which  ran  off  from 
the  main  street.  This  alley  was  rather  dark  and  the 
Captain  had  some  trouble  in  finding  the  brass  knob  of 
the  gate,  and  when  he  did  find  it  he  discovered  the 
fact  that  the  gate  was  locked.  After  discussing  the 
situation  at  some  length,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  remembering 
that  his  companion  was  lame,  offered  to  climb  the  wall 
at  the  lowest  point,  and,  following  the  Captain's  direc 
tions,  go  to  the  library  window  and  rap  upon  its  sur 
face,  and,  when  the  Captain's  friend  appeared,  explain 
to  him  the  object  of  his  visit. 

Accordingly,  he  scrambled  over  the  wall  with  much 
difficulty,  the  Captain  pushing  him  in  the  back  with 
his  cane  by  way  of  assistance.  After  getting  up, 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  back  and  said:  "I'm  all  here. 
What's  the  directions?" 

"About  six  feet  to  your  left  as  you  face  me,"  said 
Captain  Grunyon,  "you'll  see  a  gravel  walk.  Follow 
that  and  you'll  find  yourself  all  snug  at  the  back  of  the 
house.  The  first  window  from  the  corner  is  the  library 
window  and  the  point  of  attack." 

"All  right,"  sa'id  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  after  walking  a 
few  feet  over 'the  lawn  he  was  on  the  gravel  walk. 
Following  this,  he  was  soon  behind  the  house. 

With  his  thumbs  in  the  arm-holes  of  his  ves-t,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  surveyed  the  back  of  the  mansion  long  and 
carefully.  Now,  it  so  happened  that,  instead  of  thers 


156  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

being  only  one  corner  to  the  back  of  the  house,  there 
were  two;  and  instead  of  one  window  there  were  a 
couple,  one  next  to  each  corner.  Each  of  the  windows 
was  lighted  up.  That  farthest  from  the  street  was  the 
largest,  but,  as  Mr.  Oldbiegh  understood  the  matter,  lie 
was  to  tap  at  the  smaller  of  the  two  windows.  Now, 
in  this  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  wrong,  for  the  Captain  had 
meant  the  larger  of  the  two  windows.  In  fact,  he  had 
forgotten  that  there  was  a  smaller  window,  for  the 
apartment  which  had  this  window  in  it  had,  until 
within  a  few  days  past,  been  used  as  a  store-room,  but 
upon  the  arrival  of  a  new  servant  it  had  been  cleaned 
out  and  given  to  her  for  her  use.  She  was  a  thin, 
jaundiced  person,  with  a  large  red  head  and  sunken 
dark  eyes.  While  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  standing  with  his 
fingers  in  his  vest,  gazing  at  the  back  part  of  the  house, 
through  the  darkness,  this  interesting  maiden  was  sit 
ting  in  a  chair  in  her  room,  by  the  washstand,  staring 
abstractedly  at  the  wall  in  front  of  Ifer,  and  with  a 
dreamy  look  on  her  face  she  awaited  the  tap  on  the 
window  of  her  adored,  for  he  had  promised  at  the  hour 
of  nine  to  tap.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had,  in  the  meantime, 
with  great  difficulty,  succeeded  in  getting  up  on  the 
top  of  a  small  barrel ;  and  after  standing  there  a  mo 
ment,  he  tapped  on  the  pane  of  glass.  The  red-headed 
woman,  with  a  timid  and  retiring  movement  of  her  head, 
arose  modestly  and  bashfully  and  went  to  the  window. 
She  threw  open  the  casement  and,  like  another  Juliet, 
gazed  out  upon  the  night.  It  was  a  dark,  still  night; 
nothing  was  heard  but  the  sigh  of  a  zephyr  and,  perhaps, 
the  sigh  of  a  distant  cat.  Looking  down  below  the 


A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  157 

casement,  she  saw  the  top  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  head  and 
the  dim  outline  of  his  portly  figure.  Now,  as  the  per 
son  she  was  expecting  was  a  butcher  of  portly  carnage 
and  dignified  appearance,  she  was  happy 

"Are  you  there  ?  "  she  asked. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  although  somewhat  surprised  at  being 
addressed,  answered  that  he  was.  He  did  not  dare 
to  look  up,  for  the  reason  that  the  barrel  on  which  he 
stood  was  somewhat  -shaky,  and  for  the  further  reason 
that  an  ugly  dog  was  at  that  moment  carefully  investi 
gating  the  calves  of  his  legs,  and  playfully  licking  them, 
perhaps  to  ascertain  their  flavor. 

"  Do  you  know  Captain  Grunyon  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  in  a  gruff  whisper. 

"  I  have  heard  of  him,"  was  the  whispered  reply. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  thought  he  discovered  something  pecu 
liar  about  the  tone  of  voice  of  the  supposed  gentleman 
overhead. 

"  Captain  Grunyon  is  waiting  outside,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  He  is  ?     What  for?  "  asked  the  female. 

"  He  wants  you  to  come  and  go  on  a  spree  with  us 
and  have  a  little  time.  " 

"  The  baste  he  is  !  "  said  the  voice  up  above,  by  which 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  carne  to  the  conclusion  that  the  Captain's 
friend  was  one  of  those  humorous  persons  of  Irish  de 
scent  with  whom  America  abounds. 

"  Say  ?  "  said  the  voice. 

"  What?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  What  a  toime  we'll  have  whin  we  get  married. 
We'll  have  a  foine  toime,  won't  we?  " 


158  A    TOTTH    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  opened  his  eyes  in  astonishment  at 
first,  but  thought  ho  had  misunderstood  the  remarks  of 
the  supposed  gentleman. 

There  were  several  moments  of  silence,  during 
which  the  dog  continued  the  investigation  of  his 
calves.  Mr-.  Oldbiegh,  in  consequence,  felt  very  un 
comfortable. 

"Are  you  there?"  asked  the  voice  overhead. 

"I  am,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

There  were  several  moments  of  quiet  again,  during 
which  the  dog,  having  apparently  become  satisfied 
with  the  investigation  of  the  right  leg,  had  transferred 
its  attention  to  the  left. 

u  Fm  quite  happy  up  here  ;  indade,  I  feel  very  pac- 
able  like,"  said  the  voice  above ;  "  are  you  happy  down 
t  hay  re,  John  ?  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  began  to  think  that  something  was 
certainly  wrong,  and  in  his  uneasiness  he  moved  his 
right  foot.  The  dog  uttered  a  low,  grating  growl. 

uls  the  darg  thayre?"  asked  the  voice. 

"  It  are,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  an  unsatisfied  tone. 
Several  moments  of  silence  again  on  the  part  of  all 
three,  during  which  the  dog  continued  to  carefully  in 
vestigate.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  growing  exceedingly 
weary  from  the  constrained  position  in  which  he  was 
standing.  "  This  is  awful !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  speak 
ing  to  himself,  as  he  gazed  down  at  the  outline  of  the 
dog. 

"  Will  you  love  me  this  way  arl  the  toime  ?  "  asked 
the  person  at  the  window. 


A   TOUR   WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  159 

There  could  be  no  mistake  now.  Those  touching 
words 'settled  the  whole  matter.  Mr.  OMbiegh  heard 
distinctly  what  was  said,  and  a  complete  realization  of 
his  situation  flashed  upon  his  mind.  He  had  made  a 
mistake ;  he  was  standing  on  a  rickety  barrel,  with  a 
female  above  him — perhaps  a  widow,  and  a  bull  dog 
below  him,  both  ready  to  pounce  upon  him  at  the 
slightest  provocation !  It  was  dreadful !  He  looked 
about  for  some  way  of  escape,  but  when  he  gazed  to 
the  right,  the  bull  dog — for  such  it  proved  to  be — 
sidled  round  to  the  right.  He  then  looked  to  the  left, 
and  the  bull  dog,  with  a  low,  hoarse  growl,  waddled 
around  to  the  left. 

It  was  a  fearful  position  !  The  perspiration  rolled 
from  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  brow.  He  drew  his  red-bordered 
silk  handkerchief  from  his  coat  tail  and  wiped  his  fore 
head,  whereat  the  dog  was  dissatisfied  again. 

"Say,  John,"  said  the  voice  up  above,  tenderly, 
uhow  do  you  feel?" 

"  Uncomfortable,  darned  ef  I  don't,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh,  wiping  his  forehead  once  more.  u  I'll  just  be 
etarnally  bobbed,  ef  I  aren't ! "  and  in  his  nervousness 
he  wiped  his  perspiring  forehead  so  vigorously  that 
one  foot  went  through  the  head  of  the  barrel,  and  he 
fell  on  his  back,  and  the  bull  dog  was  upon  him.  When 
he  arose  three  teeth  were  hooked  in  his  coat  tail. 

"  Oh  !  Lord !  "  was  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  exclamation  when 
he  arose,  and  when  he  arose  he  arose  running. 

"  Oh  !  John  !  John  !  John  !  "  shrieked  his  late  com 
panion.  "  Are  you  dead,  John?  Are  you  dead  ?  " 

Another  window  in  the  upper  story  was  thrown  up 


160  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

with  a  bang  by  the  watchful  Mrs.  Hawkins,  and  she 
began  to  shout  at  the  top  of  her  lungs:  "Thieves! 
thieves  !  Stop  thief!  stop  thief!  "  But  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
was  not  in  a  position  to  stop  for  any  purpose.  Even 
his  natural  gallantry  would  not  induce  him  to  pause 
to  reply.  The  cries  of  Mrs.  Hawkins  of  "Stop  thief! " 
mingled  charmingly  with  the  shouts  of  "Are  you  dead, 
John  ?"  of  the  woman  in  the  room  below.  Noticing 
the  yells  of  "Stop  thief!"  for  the  first  time,  the  red 
headed  female  shouted  indignantly:  "He's  no  thief, 
mum !  It's  my  John !  My  own  John !  He  would 
steal  nothing ! " 

By  this  time  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  over  the  fence,  with 
the  dog  still  clinging  to  his  coat-tail.  The  Captain, 
with  great  boldness,  came  forward  and  struck  the  dog 
a  crack  on  the  head  with  his  heavy  hickory  cane, 
which  stunned  the  brute.  "Now,"  said  the  Captain, 
"  we  must  run,  for  the  police  will  be  upon  us  in  a 
moment!"  And  considering  his  wooden  leg,  he  suc 
ceeded  in  hobbling  down  the  alley  with  wonderful 
rapidity.  They  soon  turned  into  another  street  and 
before  long  were  safe  from  pursuit.  Where  they  went 
after  that  is  unknown  to  the  writer ;  but  this  much  is 
certain,  they  did  not  go  to  the  theatre. 

The  next  morning  found  them  taking  breakfast  at 
Campi's  on  Clay  street.  The  fact  that  their  eyes  were 
red  showed  they  had  liquor  during  the  night,  and  a 
considerable  quantity  of  it.  As  they  went  into  the 
first  saloon  they  saw  after  leaving  the  restaurant,  it 
was  evident  they  were  going  to  keep  up  the  good  time. 


A    TOtTR   WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  161 

They  were  very  affectionate  and  like  a  couple  of 
brothers. 

Three  o'clock  found  them  attempting  to  work  their 
way  aboard  the  boat  for  Oakland,  with  tickets  for  San 
Rafael  in  their  hands.  After  arguing  with  the  gate 
keeper  for  twenty  minutes,  the  boat  went  off  and  left 
them,  and  they  had  to  wait  for  the  next  one.  The 
Captain  swore  all  the  oaths  with  which  the  army  is 
familiar,  and  especially  those  peculiar  to  the  Forty- 
fourth  Tennessee;  and,  while  he  attempted  to  balance 
himself,  said  that  if  they  did  not  go  on  those  tickets 
he  would  not  go  at  all.  And  his  wife  and  family 
would  not  have  the  pleasure  of  seeing  his  countenance 
again  in  Oakland,  unless  he  went  oy  those  tickets. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  however,  was  less  obstinate,  so  he  went 
and  purchased  the  proper  tickets. 

When  they  got  off  the  boat  and  boarded  the  cars, 
the  Captain  induced  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  get  on  the  rear 
platform  with  him.  The  platform  was  quite  crowded. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  the  Captain  were  standing  together, 
the  Captain  leaning  with  his  back  against  the  car  door. 
The  Captain  suddenly  shouted  in  the  ear  of  Mr.  Old- 
beigh,  loud  enough  to  be  heard  over  the  din  and 
racket :  "  He's  a  soldier  !  " 

"  Who  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

••  My  boy  Jack,"  said  the  Captain. 

k-I  warn't  aware  he  was  in  the  army,"  shouted  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  He's  not,"  said  the  Captain ;  "  he  never  saw  an 
army  in  his  life ;  but  he's  a  soldier,  every  inch.  He's 
got  all  the  qualities  of  a  soldier.  He  tells  the  truth 
10 


162  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

every  time,  and  he  dares  to  speak  his  mind.  He's  a 
soldier."  After  these  remarks,  the  Captain  relapsed 
into  silence. 

Both  the  Captain  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  seemed  to  be 
rather  'unsteady  on ,  their  legs.  By  the  mariner  in 
which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  gazed  at  a  small  boy,  who  sat  on  the 
lowest  of  the  steps,  on  the  right  side  of  the  platform, 
with  his  feet  dangling  in  the  air,  it  was  evident  that  he 
wanted  the  seat  himself.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  at  the 
boy  with  an  expression  of  contemplation  on  his  broad 
features  for  some  moments,  and  then,  without  saying  a 
word,  he  reached  down,  inserted  his  fingers  in  the  back 
of  the  boy's  neck,  grasped  the  collar  of  his  coat  firmly, 
lifted  him  up  and  deposited  him  in  a  standing  position 
on  the  platform ;  then,  without  noticing  the  boy,  he 
took  the  seat  which  had  been  thus  declared  vacant, 
and  allowed  his  own  feet  to  dangle  in  the  air.  The 
boy,  with  a  stare  of  amazement  on  his  youthful  counte 
nance,  looked  first  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  then  into  the 
Captain's  face,  but  the  Captain's  face  wore  a  blank 
expression. 

Before  the  train  stopped  at  the  Point  station,  a  man, 
who  was  used  to  the  practice  of  jumping  off  when  the 
cars  are  in  motion,  jumped  off.  Thinking  that  this 
was  the  stopping  place,  and  in  order  to  prove  that  he 
could  do  what  any  other  man  could,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  also 
jumped  off  while  the  cars  were  in  motion.  The  result 
was  that  instead  of  landing  on  his  feet,  as  the  other 
man  had  done,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  never  found  out  where  he 
did  land,  but  was  conscious,  after  rolling  through  the 
dust  for  some  moments,  of  being  stopped  by  a  hitch- 


A.    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  163 

ing  post.  He  was  unhurt,  except  for  a  few  bruises, 
when  he  arose,  and  after  looking  around,  to  find  where 
he  was,  he  saw  the  train,  which  had  stopped,  about 
one  hundred  feet  to  his  left,  and  the  Captain  waving 
his  stick  and  beckoning  to  him  in  a  violent  manner. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  perceiving  his  mistake,  started  for  the 
train,  but  at  the  same  instant  the  cars  started.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  started  after  them  on  a  dignified  trot,  but 
soon  saw  he  would  have  to  drop  all  dignity  of  motion 
in  order  to  catch  the  train,  as  it  was  going  faster  and 
faster.  With  his  coat-tails  flying  and  flapping  in  the 
wind,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  soon  moving  over  the  ground 
at  a  rate  which  would  have  done  credit  to  an  athlete. 
Several  of  those  facetious  persons  on  the  sidewalk, 
who  are  always  present  on  such  occasions,  called  out : 
"  Go  it,  old  man  !  "  One  individual  shouted  :  "  Go  it ! 
I'll  bet  fifty  dollars  on  you,  old  nobs !  "  Another  cried : 
"  Keep  it  up,  and  you'll  get  there  for  breakfast !  "  while 
the  Captain  stumped  around  the  platform,  excitedly, 
and  shouted  at  the  top  of  his  lungs. 

It  was  quite  an  interesting  sight  to  note  the  manner 
in  which  Mr.  Oidbiegh  held  his  wind  and  kept  up  the 
race,  encumbered  as  he  was  by  the  heavy  stomach  which 
lie  had  to  carry,  the  large  calves  of  his  legs,  which  con 
stantly  struck  against  each  other,  and  the  huge  tails  of 
his  coat,  which  caught  much  air,  for  he  was  running  in 
the  teeth  of  a  strong  east  wind.  However,  he  at  last 
reached  the  hand  which  the  Captain  held  out  to  him, 
arid  after  much  trouble  scrambled  up  on  the  steps  of 
the  car.  His  face  was  now  of  a  fiery  red  color  ;  the 
perspiration  rolled  from  his  forehead,  and  he  was  un- 


164  A    TOUR   WITH    MAJOR   HAWKINS. 

able  to  speak  for  many  minutes,  for  he  was  puffing  like 
a  grampus.  After  reaching  Broadway  station,  the 
Captain  swore  that  the  state  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  health 
was  such  after  his  run  that  a  drink  of  brandy  alone 
would  cure  him ;  and  the  Captain  then  discoursed  in 
vivid  language  upon  the  beneficial  effects  of  brandy 
and  gave  a  catalogue  of  the  diseases  which  he  knew  of 
his  own  knowledge  could  be  cured  by  that  liquid. 
They  went  to  the  French  restaurant  on  the  corner  of 
Seventh  and  Broadway.  The  Captain  told  the  propri 
etor,  who  was  standing  behind  the  bar,  that  they 
wanted  a  private  room. 

"This  way,  sare,"  said  the  proprietor,  and  he  led 
them  through  the  kitchen  to  the  back  part  of  the 
building.  Here  they  found  a  row  of  rooms,  in  each  of 
which  was  a  table  and  a  brown  cloth-covered  lounge. 
They  went  into  one  of  these  rooms.  They  left  the 
door  open.  In  a  few  moments  a  bottle  of  claret  was 
placed  on  the  table  ;  also  two  large  loaves  of  French 
bread,  and  two  damp  napkins,  with  red  stripes  running 
through  them. 

"Well,  gentlemen?"  said  the  waiter,  as  he  stood 
with  his  hands  on  the  table,  leaning  over  it. 

"  Give  us  the  most  astonishing  dinner  ever  produced 
in  your  house  !  "  said  the  Captain ;  "  and  if  you  have 
got  any  frogs,  trot  them  in." 

i4  We  have-e  ze  frog,  sare,"  said  the  waiter. 

"  Trot  them  in  then,"  said  the  Captain,  as  he  threw 
his  cane  on  the  lounge  and  lifted  his  wooden  leg  up  on 
a  chair.  At  this  moment  a  couple  of  beautiful  hunt 
ing  dogs  passed  the  door.  The  Captain,  who  was  a 


A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  165 

great  sportsman,  jumped  up  and  went  out  into  the 
passageway  to  examine  them.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  now 
heard  the  Captain  greeting  some  one  heartily,  and  a 
moment  later  he  came  back,  dragging  a  gentleman, 
with  a  short,  bushy  black  moustache  with  him. 

tfc  Oldbiegh,  my  friend  Hawkins,  an  escaped  prisoner!" 
said  the  Captain. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Captain's  friend,  "  the  old  lady  went 
off  on  an  early  morning  train  to  see  her  mother,  who  is 
lying  at  the  point  of  death,  and  I've  come  out  to  have 
a  day  of  shooting  with  the  old  boy  here.  My  wife  has 
a  great  antipathy  to  the  Captain,  and  I  don't  like  to 
visit  him  when  her  mind's  not  engaged  with  other 
affairs,  for  fear  of  hurting  her  feelings  ;  but,  thank  the 
Lord,  her  mind's  fully  occupied  now!" 

At  this  juncture  a  man  with  a  long,  silken,  black 
beard  passed  the  door,  and  went  on  to  another  room. 
The  Captain's  wrath  was  aroused  at  once. 

"  There  are  just  two  creatures  that  I  despise  !  "  said 
he,  ferociously.  "  The  one  is  a  beast,  who  can't  sign 
his  own  name  so  that  it  can  be  made  out,  and  the  other 
is  a  hound  with  a  long,  silken  beard  !  " 

The  footsteps  of  the  man  in  the  hall  ceased.  He  was 
evidently  listening.  This  made  the  Captain  express 
himself  in  a  louder  and  more  violent  manner. 

u  The  dogs  wear  it  because  they  know  women  like 
hair ;  and  many  a  girl  has  gone  to  the  bad  through  a 
silken  beard.  They  are  mad  on  the  subject,  absolutely 
mad,  sir !  A  man  with  long  hair  on  his  mug  is  capable 
of  committing  any  atrocious  act.  The  women  go  wild 
over  the  hair.  But  that's  a  bad  sign.  It  don't  matter. 


166  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

Scrape  the  stuff  from  his  face,  and  you  always  find 
features  underneath  worthy  of  a  convict,  worthy  of 
the  worst  rogue  in  San  Quentin." 

The  footsteps  were  heard  to  approach,  and  in  a 
moment  the  man  was  standing  in  the  doorway. 

"Were  you  referring  to  me?"  he  asked.  The  Cap 
tain  looked  at  him,  his  eyes  peering  sharply  under  his 
shaggy  eyebrows,  but  said  nothing.  The  man  asked 
again  if  he  had  been  referring  to  him. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  the  Captain,  sternly ; "  I  was  referring 
to  the  mop  on  your  chin  ! " 

"Oh!"  said  the  person  in  the  door,  "I  understand 
the  situation.  You  are  drunk,  sir." 

"  What's  that !"  said  the  Captain,  jumping  up  so  sud 
denly  that  he  struck  the  table  with  his  leg,  and  caused 
every  dish  to  clatter. 

"  You're  drunk,  sir,"  repeated  the  man  in  the  door, 
in  a  steady  tone  of  voice. 

The  Captain  attempted  to  hobble  toward  the  door, 
but  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  the  Captain's  friend  held  him  in 
his  seat. 

"I  am  the  editor  of  the  Daily  Advance"  said  the 
man  in  the  doorway,  "and  I  intend  to  write  you  up 
and  have  you  on  the  first  page  of  to-morrow's  edition  !  " 

"  Oldbiegh  !  Hawkins  !  Blast  it !  Let  me  go  !  " 
shouted  the  Captain,  as  he  struggled  to  get  at  the  man. 
But  after  making  the  last  remark,  the  man  had  de 
parted. 

The  editor  of  the  Advance  went  at  once  to  the  man 
at  the  bar  in  the  front  room,  and  quietly  asked  who 
the  persons  were  in  the  private  room.  The  proprietor 


A    TOUR   WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  167 

was  about  to  answer  when  the  violent  ringing  of  the 
bell  of  the  apartment  they  occupied  announced  to  him 
the  fact  that  they  desired  his  immediate  presence.  He 
started  off  rapidly,  when  the  editor  called  him  back 
and  told  him  that  he  must  have  the  names.  The  man, 
without  reflecting,  said: 

"  Captain  Grunyon,  Mr.  Hawkins — and  I  don't  know 
the  other  man's  name/' 

"  It  don't  matter ;  I  heard  his  name.  It's  Oldbiegh," 
said  the  editor,  as  he  departed. 

When  the  proprietor  reached  the  private  room  he 
was  ordered  by  the  Captain  not  to  let  any  more  men 
come  into  the  back  part  of  the  house.  "Or  ladies?" 
asked  the  proprietor. 

"  They  can  come  —  unless  my  friend  Oldbiegh  is 
opposed  to  it." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "not  unless  it's  a  chalk- 
face  critter,  with  closed-up  eyes.  Ef  she  comes,  I  won't 
see  her  on  no  account.  Darned  ef  I  do !  " 

They  were  about  through  dinner  and  had  lighted  the 
cognac  in  their  saucers, — or,  rather,  were  attempting 
to  light  it, — preparatory  to  putting  it  into  the  little 
cups  of  black  coffee  which  were  placed  in  front  of  them. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  could  not  succeed  in  getting  his  liquor 
to  burn.  "  Let  me  show  you  something,"  said  the 
Captain,  and  he  took  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  cup  and  poured 
out  part  of  the  coffee.  He  then  spread  a  napkin  over 
the  top  of  the  cup,  and  using  the  napkin  as  a  sieve 
poured  the  cognac  through  it  into  the  cup  until  the  cup 
was  filled.  He  took  the  napkin  away  and  applied  a 
lighted  match  to  the  top  of  the  cup.  The  liquor  burned 


168  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

at  once.     "There,"  said  the  Captain,  " that's  the  way 
I  do  it!" 

At  this  moment  the  dinner  was  interrupted  by  the 
appearance  of  a  very  pretty  young  lady  of  about 
twenty-one  years  of  age  at  the  door.  She  was  dressed 
in  the  costume  of  a  widow. 

u  Hello,  boys  !"  she  said,  greeting  the  company. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  at  the  Captain  with  an  expres 
sion  of  profound  surprise  on  his  face. 

"  Good  day,"  said  the  Captain,  gruffly. 

" Are  you  going  to  come  to  our  theatre  to-night?" 
asked  the  apparent  widow.  "  The  Melodeon  ;  it's  on 
the  corner  of  Sixth  and  Broadway,  up-stairs." 

44  Perhaps  we'll  be  there,"  was  the  reply.  Thereupon 
the  pretty  female  vanished. 

After  smoking  their  cigars  and  drinking  their  black 
coffee,  the  three  friends  started  for  the  Melodeon.  It 
was  arranged  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  he  being  a  bachelor, — 
upon  the  harsh  theory  that  bachelors  have  no  reputa 
tions  to  lose, — should  go  ahead  and  get  a  private  box. 
His  two  companions  would  then  pull  their  hats  over 
their  eyes  and  hurry  to  the  box,  in  order  not  to  be  seen 
by  any  chance  acquaintance.  The  Captain  and  Major 
Hawkins — for  it  turned  out  that  the  Captain's  friend 
was  entitled  to  that  rank — went  to  a  livery  stable 
while  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  getting  a  box,  and  left  the 
dogs  there  in  care  of  the  owner  of  the  stable  with 
whom  the  Captain  was  on  intimate  terms.  When  they 
arrived  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  theatre  again  the 
two  gentlemen  pulled  their  hats  over  their  faces,  know 
ing  well — even  though  somewhat  under  the  influence 


A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  169 

of  liquor — that  if  they  were  discovered,  there  would  be 
quite  an  interesting  dialogue  during  the  whole  of  some 
night  between  themselves  and  their  respective  spouses. 
The  Captain  and  his  friend  had  quite  an  extensive 
argument  as  to  the  best  method  of  making  the  charge 
past  the  chance  acquaintances  who  have  been  men 
tioned.  The  Captain  was  for  marching  straight  to  the 
front  for  some  sixty  feet,  and  then  for  making  an 
oblique  movement  for  the  door  in  double  time.  The 
Major  was  for  moving  cautiously  up  to  the  door,  and 
then  for  going  up  the  steps  in  double  time.  "  Fall  in  !  " 
said  the  Captain,  peremptorily,  at  last,  and  he  started 
ahead  with  the  Major  close  in  his  rear,  and  he  carried 
out  his  plan,  as  he  thought,  with  success. 

Now,  we  are  sorry  to  be  compelled  to  record  the  fact 
that  this  beautiful  martial  movement  in  the  end  proved 
a  failure ;  but  it  was  a  failure  which  was  not  owing  to 
any  lack  of  knowledge  of  the  rules  of  strategy  on  the 
part  of  the  Captain.  Had  the  movement  been  executed 
during  the  warlike  times  of  the  middle  ages  it  would 
have  proved  a  complete  success ;  but  in  these  degen 
erate  days  the  existence  of  the  printing  press  calls  for 
the  existence  of  the  editor,  and  the  existence  of  the 
editor  calls  for  that  small  boy  who  is  porter,  reporter, 
and  bill  collector  all  in  one.  The  enraged  and  ottt- 
raged  editor  of  the  Advance  was  in  possession  of  one 
of  these  valuable  boys,  and  in  addition  to  the  boy's 
other  duties,  he  imposed  upon  him  that  night  the  duty 
of  following  Captain  Grunyon  and  his  companions 
wherever  they  should  go  ;  and  he  was  ordered  to  make 
a  sly  inspection  of  whatever  they  did,  of  what  they 


170  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

said,  and  of  how  they  acted.  He  was  faithful  in  the 
performance  of  his  duties,  and  watched  the  three  friends 
keenly  as  they  went  into  the  Melodeon,  whereupon  this 
knowing  youth  exaggerated  his  countenance  into  a 
broad  grin.  He  would  have  followed  them  in,  but  as 
the  financial  condition  of  the  Daily  Advance  was  not 
founded  on  the  most  solid  basis,  he  had  not  been  sup 
plied  with  sufficient  coin  by  his  chief. 

The  assistant  editor  was  therefore  compelled  to  await 
the  reappearance  of  the  three  gentlemen  on  the  street. 
This  he  did  with  his  hands  in  his  breeches  pockets,  for 
the  purpose  of  keeping  them  warm  ;  and  he  kept  off 
melancholy  thoughts,  during  the  long  .time  that  he 
waited,  by  whistling  the  liveliest  of  the  late  popular 
airs. 

In  the  meantime  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  his  companions 
were  comfortably  seated  in  a  box  with  white  walls, 
with  a  window,  over  which  hung  red  curtains.  The 
rumbling  sound  with  which  the  reader  has  grown 
familiar,  was  heard,  constantly  under  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
white  waistcoat,  and  when  the  negro  minstrels  cracked 
their  ancient  and  dilapidated  jokes,  the  *'  haw  !  haws  L" 
which  he  uttered  were  almost  incessant.  And  when 
some  one  in  one  of  the  front  boxes  entered  into  a  vio 
lent  quarrel  with  the  black  middle  man  on  the  stage, 
whereupon  two  men  dressed  in  policemen's  clothes 
broke  into  the  box,  whereupon  a  pistol  was  shot  off, 
whereupon  a  man  was  thrown  out  of  the  box  and  onto 
the -stage,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  greatly  excitedx;  but  when 
he  discovered  that  this  man  was  composed  of  rags,  he 


A    TOUK    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  171 

was  as  greatly  amused,  and  burst  out  into  loud,  good- 
natured  u  haw  !  haws  !  " 

"  We  can  remember  the  whole  scene  as  distinctly  as 
if  it  were  yesterday!"  says  our  muse,  who  was  there. 
We,  the  scribe,  were  not  there.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  round 
blue  eyes  beamed  with  good  humor,  while  the  tears 
trickled  down  his  nose  and  jumped  one  after  another 
to  the  floor. 

By  eleven  o'clock  the  Captain  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
were  quite  tipsy,  and  the  Major  was  gradually  ap 
proaching  the  same  state.  When  in  this  condition  the 
brilliant  idea  struck  the  Captain  that  he  would  hire  the 
orchestra  after  tlie  performance,  and  take  them  with 
his  friends  out  home,  and  let  them  serenade  his  wife 
and  family.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  by  this  time,  being  no 
longer  in  a  talkative  mood,  did  not  express  himself  in 
regard  to  the  probable  success  of  the  scheme,  but  the 
Major,  in  broken  sentences,  attempted  to  dissuade  him  ; 
this  only  made  the  Captain  resolve  more  firmly  to  carry 
out  the  idea.  As  soon  as  the  performance  was  over, 
the  Captain,  by  liberal  pay,  induced  the  orchestra  to  go 
with  him  out  to  his  place.  The  whole  company,  con 
sisting  of  the  orchestra — the  members  whereof  bore 
their  instruments  with  them — the  Captain  and  his  two 
friends,  went  around  to  the  stable  where  the  dogs  had 
been  left.  The  place  was  locked  up,  but  after  knock 
ing  on  the  door  with  his  cane  first,  and  afterwards  with 
his  wooden  leg,  the  Captain  induced  a  sleepy  indi 
vidual,  who  appeared  in  his  stocking  feet,  to  open  the 
door.  After  further  dressing  himself,  he  obeyed  the 
Captain's  command  to  harness  up  horses  to  his  largest 


172  A    TOUR   WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

barouche.  With  a  lantern  in  his  hand,  he  went  to  the 
back  part  of  the  stable  and  dragged  out  from  a  number 
of  vehicles  a  large  barouche.  It  was  soon  harnessed 
up,  the  dogs  were  thrown  in,  the  musicians  got  in,  and 
the  person  who  expected  to  drive  the  barouche  came 
forward. 

"  No,"  said  the  Captain,  "  I'll  drive."  The  stable- 
keeper  looked  as  if  this  did  not  suit  him,  but  said 
nothing.  "Come,  Oldbiegh,  you  must  sit  up  here  on 
the  driver's  seat,  by  my  side,"  said  the  Captain.  "  Gee 
long ! "  cried  he,  and  the  horses  started. 

The  light  of  the  lantern  falling  on  the  outside  pocket 
of  the  Major's  coat  showed  the  yellow  neck  of  a  bottle 
protruding  therefrom.  Had  it  fallen  on  the  pocket  of 
the  coat  on  the  other  side,  it  would  have  shown  a  simi 
lar  neck  protruding  from  that  pocket.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
was  sitting  with  his  hand  clasped  firmly  to  a  little 
silver-plated  railing  on  the  edge  of  the  seat.  His  head 
rested  on  his  bosom,  and  his  eyes  were  closed.  He 
soon  startled  his  companions  by  suddenly  shouting : 
"  Whop  'em  up  !  " 

"  All  right,"  said  the  Captain  ;  "  hand  up  that  bottle 
first,  Jack." 

The  Captain,  in  order  to  take  the  bottle  in  both 
hands,  for  he  feared  he  would  drop  it  if  he  took  it  in 
one,  placed  the  reins  in  Mr.  Oidbiegh's  clasp.  After 
turning  one  or  two  corners,  they  came  to  a  street  larger 
than  the  rest.  This  road,  which  was  about  six  miles 
long,  terminated  where  a  fence  crossed  it,  which  bor 
dered  the  Captain's  land.  After  handing  t|ie  bottle 
back,  the  Captain  took  the  reins  and  soon  whipped  the 


A   TOTTfc   WTTPI    MAJOR   HAWKINS.  173 

horses  into  a  gallop,  whereat  Mr.  Oldbiegh  seemed  to 
awake  from  his  stupor  and  was  greatly  delighted,  and 
expressed  his  enthusiasm  by  shouting,  "  Whop  'em  up  !  " 
which  the  Captain  immediately  proceeded  to  do.  In 
the  meantime  the  bottle  circulated  rapidly  amongst  the 
persons  behind  them,  and  by  the  time  it  was  empty 
they  were  all  friendly,  aifectiohate,  and  in  a  high  state 
of  glee.  This  glee  they  expressed  by  singing  divers 
songs  at  the  top  of  their  lungs,  each  singing  that  por 
tion  of  the  song  which  pleased  him  best,  all  of  which 
greatly  astonished  the  many  persons  in  the  houses  all 
along  the  road,  who  were  awakened  from  sleep  by  the 
music.  In  a  little  while  the  Major  took  a  fiddle  from 
one  of  the  fiddlers  and  standing  up  in  the  centre  of  the 
jolting  carriage  proceeded  to  show  the  singing  musi 
cians  how  he  played  "  The  Arkansas  Traveller."  They 
paid  no  attention  to  him,  but  he  still  continued  to  play. 
As  he  invariably  fell  back  into  his  seat  in  a  sitting  pos 
ture  by  the  time  he  had  gotten  two-thirds  of  the  way 
through,  he  would  get  up  and  play  it  all  over,  with  the 
set  determination  to  play  it  continuously  to  the  end 
before  he  would  quit. 

The  Captain  tied  the  reins  to  the  side  of  the  carriage 
preparatory  to  taking  another  drink.  While  he  was 
doing  so  the  reins  came  loose  and  fell  to  the  ground, 
and  the  horses,  becoming  frightened,  were  soon  tearing 
along  at  the  top  of  their  speed.  "  Whop  'em  up ! " 
shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  awakening  from  his  stupor  again. 
The  musicians  were  fairly  shrieking  like  demons  by 
this  time,  and  the  Major  was  sawing  away  on  "  The  Ar 
kansas  Traveller  "  as  if  he  were  mad;  while  mingling 


174  A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS. 

with  the  other  sounds  and  shrieks  were  the  cries  of 
"Whop  'em  up!  whop  'em  up!"  from  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
They  went  over  the  last  three  miles  in  very  short  time, 
as  novelists  say,  "in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it,'" 
when  the  horses  finding  a  fence  in  front  of  them  came 
to  a  dead  standstill. 

"Now,  boys,"  said  the  Captain,  after  the  company 
were  on  the  ground,  "I've  brought  you  here  all  safe, 
so  fall  in  !  "  After  getting  them  in  line,  with  the 
Major  on  the  right  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  on  the  left,  he 
said :  "  Now,  boys,  before  starting,  brace  up,  because 
you  are  goingf  to  pass  in  review  before  the  old  lady,  and 
she's  the  most  critical  woman  that  walks.  Brace  up ! 
Left  face !  " 

The  Major  turned  ninety  degrees  to  the  left,  and  the 
others  followed  his  example.  "Forward,  guide  left!" 
said  the  Captain,  and  he  limped  along  near  the  head  of 
the  moving  column.  As  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  shins  struck 
constantly  against  the  bass  viol,  which  the  musician  in 
front  of  him  carried,  he  fell  several  feet  in  the  rear. 
Noticing  this  the  Captain  shouted.  "  Close  up  in  the 
rear ! "  In  a  little  while  the  sound  of  many  feet  was 
heard  on  the  front  steps  of  the  house.  After  trying  to 
insert  his  latch-key  in  the  handle  of  the  door-knob,  the 
Captain  accidentally  found  the  key-hole,  opened  the 
door,  and  the  company  were  soon  standing  in  the  dark 
in  a  large  hall,  which  ran  through  the  centre  of  the 
house.  The  Captain  soon  found  his  way  into  his  wife's 
room  and  struck  a  light. 

"What  is  the  meaning  of  all  this?"  asked  his  wife, 
sternly. 


A    TOUR    WITH    MAJOR    HAWKINS.  175 

"Come  's-s'renade  yer !  Come  in,  boys!"  sung  out 
the  Captain. 

Before  his  wife  had  time  to  protest  the  musicians 
were  all  in  the  room.  The  Captain  formed  them  in 
line  at  the  foot  of  his  wife's  bed  and  ordered  them  to 
play  !  They  played  a  piece  through,  entitled  "  Yankee 
Doodle!" 

"  Play  4  Sweet  Johannah,'  "  ordered  the  Captain, 
waving  his  hand  in  a  commanding  manner. 

"  Take  them  out ! "  said  his  wife,  when  they  had 
finished  the  piece. 

Without  noticing  her  order,  the  Captain,  with  another 
wave  of  the  hand,  said  in  a  commanding  tone  of  voice, 
44 Play  4Pop  Goes  the  Weasel.'"  They  played  it. 
When  they  were  through,  his  wife  repeated  her  com 
mand  that  they  should  be  taken  out.  Ignoring  her 
completely,  the  Captain  again  waved  his  hand  and  com 
manded  them  to  play  "  The  Bull  Frog  on  the  Bank." 
After  this  they  were  ordered  to  play  "  Swanee  Ribber," 
and  finally,  they  wound  up  with  "  We  Won't  go  Home 
till  Morning."  When  they  had  finished,  the  Captain 
commanded  " About  face!"  The  Major  turned  com 
pletely  around,  and  the  others  gradually  followed  his 
example.  u  Forward  —  march  !  "  said  the  Captain. 
They  marched  forward  till  opposite  the  door,  when  he 
called,  "  Halt !  "  They  stopped.  "  Salute  !  "  said  the 
Captain.  The  Major  saluted.  "Left  face!  Forward 
— march  !  "  The  company  faced  to  the  left  and  moved 
forward,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  bringing  up  the  rear,  and  they 
were  soon  out  of  the  apartment. 

The  Captain  took  the  musicians  to  the  large  dining- 


176  A    TOTTR    WITH    MA.1OH    HAWKINS. 

room,  the  floor  whereof  the  gaslight  showed  to  be  com 
posed  of  smooth  hard  wood,  waxed  find  polished.  The 
walls  of  the  room  for  about  four  feet  up  from  the  floor 
were  composed  of  oak  pannels.  Against  one  of  the 
'walls  sat  Ji  mahogany  sideboard,  and  a  number  of  silver 
vessels  on  it  shone  brightly  in  the  gaslight.  A  long 
dining-table  was  in  the  centre  of  the  room,  and  an 
eight-day  clock  on  the  wall  showed  the  time  to  be  past 
three  o'clock  A.  M.  The  Captain  went  into  another 
room  to  look  for  some  food,  but,  owing  to  the  unsteady 
condition  of  his  legs,  was  unsuccessful  in  his  attempts 
to  light  the  gas.  He  called  the  company  into  the  room 
where  he  was,  and  ordered  them  to  try  and  light  the 
gas,  remarking  at  the  same  time  that  he  believed  the 
gas-burner  must  have  been  taken  away,  as  he  could  not 
find  it.  Several  persons  attempted  to  light  the  gas, 
and  after  some  unsuccessful  attempts  one  individual 
succeeded.  The  lighted  gas  showed  them  to  be  in  a 
large  and  extremely  neat  kitchen.  The  pine  boards  of 
the  floor  had  been  scrubbed  until  they  were  almost  as 
white  as  snow,  and  the  tops  of  one  or  two  tables  were 
as  white.  The  tin  and  brass  utensils  about  the  room 
gleamed  like  mirrors.  Pushing  the  wire  door  of  a 
cupboard  open  with  his  cane,  the  Captain  discovered 
several  dishes  with  cold  chicken  on  them.  He  ordered 
the  musicians  to  "fall  to."  This  they  did  in  a  manner 
that  spread  such  devastation  over  the  cold  chicken 
that  when  they  got  through  nothing  was  left  but  a 
number  of  shining  bones.  The  musicians  then  went 
out  and  got  into  the  carriage,  the  Captain  accompany 
ing  them  to  the  gate,  and  drove  back  to  town. 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  177 


CHAPTER  VI. 

AFTER    THE    EDITOR. 

THE  next  morning  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  was  an  early 
riser,  got  up  just  as  the  sun  was  beginning  to  peer 
over  the  hills,  put  on  his  clothes,  and  went  down  to  the 
front  porch.  Passing  the  hat-rack  in  the  hall,  he  saw 
some  six  or  seven  large-brimmed  hats  on  the  pegs. 
Removing  one  of  them  he  saw  painted  beneath  the 
peg,  in  white  letters,  the  name  "Jack."  Removing 
another  from  another  peg,  he  saw  another  boy's  name 
painted  beneath  the  peg;  and  on  further  examination, 
he  found  under  each  peg  a  boy's  name.  At  the  time 
he  was  unable  to  solve  this  mystery,  but  he  learned 
afterwards  from  the  Captain  that  these  were  the  names 
of  his  boys,  and  that  he  compelled  each  boy  to  place 
his  own  hat  on  his  own  peg.  "This  serves  two  pur 
poses,"  said  the  Captain,  when  explaining  the  phi 
losophy  of  the  device.  "  In  the  first  place  it  prevents 
the  whole  house  fiom  being  called  upon  to  hunt  for  the 
boy's  hat  every  time  he  wants  to  go  out  doors.  In  the 
second  place  it  impresses  upon  the  mind  of  the  young 
vagabond  habits  of  order." 

Going  out  on  the  porch  Mr.  Oldbiegh  found  several 

large  lounging  chairs,  upon  the  seat  of  one  of  which 

was  lying  a  green-backed  novel,  evidently  left  there  by 

some  person  the  day  before.     Not  far  from  the  chairs 

11 


178  AFTER    THE    EDITOR. 

hung  a  couple  of  hammocks.  Standing  with  his 
thumbs  in  the  arm-holes  of  his  vest,  and  with  a  good- 
natured  smile  on  his  face,  the  portly  figure  of  Mr.  Old- 
biegh,  with  the  sunlight  falling  on  it,  presented  quite  a 
sight  to  see,  quite  a  striking  picture  as  he  gazed  upon 
the  surrounding  scenery.  An  inventory  of  the  scene 
may  be  taken  in  the  following  manner:  In  the  first 
place,  there  was  Mr.  Oldbiegh  himself,  fully  as  large  as 
life,  with  his  huge  watch  ticking  merrily  in  his  white 
waistcoat  pocket,  the.  green  tops  of  his  button  shoes,  as 
green  as  the  grass  of  the  smooth  lawn  to  the  right, 
and  to  the  left  was  the  scenery.  In  the  second  place 
there  was  a  large  oak  tree  near  the  corner  of  the  house, 
to  his  right ;  and  as  the  first  beams  of  the  morning  sun 
coming  through  the  green  leaves  of  the  tree  had  awak 
ened  the  birds  that  were  perched  in  the  branches,  they 
were  singing  merrily.  In  the  next  place,  beyond  the 
lawn  in  front  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  was  a  hayfield  covered 
with  yellow  stubble,  and  in  this  field  a  number  of  young 
colts  were  gamboling,  for  the  apparent  purpose  of  ob 
taining  exercise ;  and  beyond  this  field  were  the  blue 
mountains.  To  the  left  were  large  orchards,  and 
beyond  them  grazing  land  ;  back  of  the  house,  high 
hills  covered  with  thick  brushwood. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  hardly  finished  noting  the  many 
points  of  beauty  around  him,  when  a  merry  laugh  was 
heard  in  the  hallway,  and  in  a  moment  a  number  of 
pretty  girls  came  tripping  out  on  the  porch,  and  were 
about  to  go  down  the  steps  to  the  lawn  when  they  dis 
covered  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Upon  looking  at  them  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  saw  that  the  prettiest  of  the  party  had  on  a 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  179 

felt  hat,  which  he  recognized  as  his  own.  Another  had 
on  the  Captain's  fur  cap,  and  still  a  third  wore  a  cap 
which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  could  have  sworn  he  had  seen  on 
the  Major's  head  the  day  before.  The  young  ladies 
were  somewhat  abashed,  for  they  supposed  the  Cap 
tain's  friends  would  all  have  been  in  bed  and  as  silent 
as  tombstones,  considering  the  hour  at  which  they  had 
arrived  the  night  before. 

"Bless  my  heart! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  noticing  their 
embarrassment.  "Don't  be  afeared  of  me.  I'm  old 
Junyers  Oldbiegh,  and  I  came  out  with  my  old  friend, 
the  Captain,  last  night,  just  to  see  you  !  " 

"Is  this  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  my  father's  old  schoolmate?" 
said  a  dark-eyed  young  lady,  with  animation. 

"  Well,  I  guess  you're  about  right  thar',  haw  !  haw  ! " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  or  I  aren't  made  the  acquaintance 
of  myself  during  the  last  forty  year!  No,  I  aren't!" 
The  young  lady  walked  up  and  shook  hands  with.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh.  "  Haw !  haw  !  "  laughed  he,  after  he  had 
kissed  her  rosy  cheek. 

"  This  is  Lucy,  my  sister,"  said  the  young  lady, 
introducing  another  girl. 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  "  uttered  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  kissed 
her  also. 

"  This  is  my  sister  Mary,"  said  the  young  lady, 
introducing  another  sister. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  kissed  her,  too,  after  which  he  made 
the  same  exclamation. 

"This  is  Miss  Nettie  Smith,  my  schoolmate,"  said 
she,  introducing  the  pretty  young  lady  who  wore  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  hat. 


180  AFTER   THE    EDITOR. 

"  Haw  !  haw !  "  laughed  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  attempting 
to  kiss  her ;  she  held  her  head  away  and  struggled, 
but  he  kissed  her  also.  He  then  kissed  each  of  the 
remaining  young  ladies,  one  of  whom  was  named 
Mamie  Deane  and  the  other  Maud  Glennon. 

"  Thar' ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  when  he  had  kissed 
the  last  of  the  young  ladies.  "  The  best  day's  work 
I've  done  in  forty  year  !  " 

"  You're  a  horrid  old  man !  "  said  the  young  lady 
who  had  been  introduced  as  Miss  Smith. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  smiled,  but  said  nothing  for  a  few 
moments. 

"  That  'ar's  the  most  harnsome  hat  I  ever  wore," 
said  he,  at  last,  looking  steadily  at  the  hat  on  the 
young  lady's  head. 

"  Is  this  your  hat  ?  "  she  exclaimed,  in  a  tone  of  mock 
anger. 

"  It  'ar',"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  won't  wear  the  horrid  hat !  "  said  the  young  lady, 
jerking  it  off. 

"I  will  w'ar  it,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "in  remem 
brance  of  the  harnsome  young  lady  what  wore  it  also." 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  then  stepped  into  the  hallway  and  took 
from  the  rack  another  hat,  which  he  handed  to  the 
young  lady ;  but  now  she  was  as  obstinate  in  the  other 
direction,  and  would  wear  no  hat  but  Mr.  Oldbiegh's. 
The  young  ladies  informed  him  that  they  had  been  on 
their  way  to  the  croquet  grounds,  when  they  first 
came  out  of  the  house ;  so  they  invited  him  to  come 
with  them  and  take  part  in  the  game.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
went  with  them,  and  was  soon  engaged  in  making  as 


AFTER   THE   EDITOR.  181 

many  mistakes  as  any  one  man  has  capacity  to  make, 
shooting  always  for  the  wrong  wicket,  and  out  of  his 
turn,  while  he  was  constantly  getting  his  feet  tangled 
np  with  the  wickets.  At  all  of  this  the  young  ladies 
laughed  heartily,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  more  heartily  than 
any  of  them.  After  one  or  two  games  the  young 
ladies  became  tired,  and  one  of  them  who  had  laugh 
ing  blue  eyes,  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  admired  greatly, 
went  off  and  got  a  rose  which  she  put  in  his  button 
hole  ;  and  then  another  got  a  rose  which  she  put  in 
the  buttonhole  on  the  other  side  of  his  coat,  and  then 
the  others  got  roses  with  which  they  filled  all  the  other 
buttonholes  of  his  coat.  It  was  quite  an  interesting 
sight  to  see  Mr.  Oldbiegh  standing  in  the  centre  of  a 
bevy  of  rosy-faced  girls,  an  embodiment  of  a  stout 
maypole,  beaming  with  smiles  and  decorated  with 
roses ! 

It  was  in  this  picturesque  condition  that  the  Captain 
found  him. 

"  Hello,  Junius ! "  shouted  the  Captain  from  the 
porch,  "have  you  turned  yourself  into  a  perambula 
ting  conservatory  ?  " 

At  this  moment  Major  Hawkins  came  out  on  the 
porch  and  the  young  ladies,  who  all  knew  him,  went 
to  greet  him.  After  a  few  moments,  Miss  Smith  said  : 
"  I  did  not  know,  Major,  that  you  were  a  musician," 
while  she  cast  a  sly  glance  at  the  other  young  ladies. 

"  That's  strange,  Nettie,"  said  the  Major ;  "  knowing 
me  as  well  as  you  do,  you  ought  to  have  known  of  my 
musical  acquirements."  There  was  something  in  the 


182  AFTER   THE    EDTTOE. 

Major's  manner  which  prevented  the  young  lady  from 
saying  anything  further. 

A  couple  of  gentlemen  now  came  out  on  the  porch. 

"  Good  morning,  sir !  Good  morning  !  "  said  the 
Captain,  greeting  the  first  gentleman  heartily;  after 
which  he  greeted  the  other  in  a  manner  equally  warm. 
"  Oldbiegh,  Hawkins,"  continued  he,  "attention!  Let 
me  introduce  to  you  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs,  a  rising 
young  poet,  and  Reginald  Quagg,  the  pastor  of  our 
fold  and  a  scientist." 

Mr.  Muggs  was  a  curious  looking  individual,  with 
thick,  long  hair,  which,  as  it  rested  on' the  back  part  of 
his  collar,  kept  that  portion  of  his  clothing  in  a  greasy 
condition  at  all  times.  This  collar  was  a  large  turn 
down  collar,  and  around  it  he  wore  a  red  scarf,  tied  in 
a  huge  bow  under  his  chin.  His  jacket,  which  was  of 
brown  velvet,  had  large  lappels,  and  in  the  buttonholes 
of  one  of  the  lappels  he  wore  a  rose  which  he  himself 
had  plucked  the  night  before,  previous  to  retiring. 
His  pantaloons,  which  were  of  brown  corduroy,  had  a 
very  loud  and  unpoetical  corduroy  odor.  His  long-toed 
shoes  had  heavy  steel  buckles  on  them.  Mr.  Quagg 
was  a  stout,  heavy-set,  small  man,  with  an  immense  red 
head.  His  little  black  frock  coat,  which  had  a  number 
of  grease  spots  on  it,  had  very  short  tails.  His  panta 
loons  were  so  short  that  they  only  reached  to  the  tops 
of  his  short,  broad-toed  shoes.  The  legs  of  the  panta 
loons  were  white  and  threadbare  at  the  ankles,  on  the 
inside,  for  the  ankles  of  Mr.  Quagg  "  interfered,"  as  a 
horseman  would  say,  when  he  walked. 

The  ringing  of  a  bell  now  informed  the  company 


AFTER   THE    KDITOR.  183 

that  breakfast  was  reacty.  They  went  into  a  large 
dining-room.  It  was  noticeable  that  after  the  guests 
were  notified  what  seats  they  were  to  take,  the  whole 
lower  half  of  the  table  was  unoccupied.  This  was 
explained  in  a  moment,  when  a  sound  was  heard  like 
that  of  approaching  infantry,  and  a  line  of  boys  came 
marching  into  the  room  and  commencing  at  the  first 
chair  fell  one  after  another  into  their  seats,  until  the 
seats  were  all  filled. 

"  My  cubs,"  said  the  Captain,  speaking  to  Mr.  Old- 
biegh,  who  sat  on.  his  right.  "I'm  proud  of  them. 
They're  as  orderly  as  the  members  of  the  Forty-fourth 
Tennessee." 

After  the  breakfast,  the  Captain,  by  what  he  called 
a  flank  movement,  succeeded  in  getting  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  the  Major  in  his  private  library,  without  being 
noticed  by  the  other  guests.  After-  getting  them  into 
the  room,  which  he  used  as  a  smoking-room,  he  apolo 
gized  for  not  bringing  the  other  gentlemen  in,  but  said 
he  knew  they  liked  the  company  of  the  ladies  best. 
The  Captain  then  brought  out  of  a  drawer  in  the 
bookcase  some  extra  fine  Havanas,  and  in  a  short  time 
the  three  gentlemen  were  puffing  the  smoke  into  the 
air  at  such  a  rate  that  the  atmosphere  was  darkened. 
They  were  enjoying  their  cigars  intensely  when  Mrs. 
Grunyon  walked  into  the  room  with  a  newspaper  in 
her  hand.  Her  face  was  flushed  and  there  was  an 
expression  of  scorn  and  anger  about  her  mouth.  She 
was  a  tall  lady,  with  harsh,  stern  features,  and  was 
dressed  in  clothes  which  were  so  black  that  they  fairly- 
shone  with  blackness. 


184  AFTER    THE    EDITOR. 

"  Captain  !  "  said  the  lady,  sternly. 

"  Madam  !  "  said  the  Captain. 

"  Take  your  feet  out  of  the  cushioned  chair,  sir !" 
Mrs.  Grunyon  had  everything  kept  in  the  neatest  order 
about  the  house,  and  the  Captain,  who  required  order 
in  others,  was  constantly  breaking  the  rules  himself. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain,  taking  his  feet  down. 

"  Captain,"  said  the  lady  sternly  again,  "  have  you 
seen  the  horrible  article  in  this  paper?" 

"  No,"  said  the  Captain  ;  "  what  is  it — a  monstrous 
murder?" 

"  Read  it,"  said  Mrs.  Grunyon.  The  Captain  took 
the  paper,  which  was  the  Daily  Advance,  and  started 
to  read  the  article  to  himself. 

"  Read  it  aloud,"  said  his  wife. 

"Certainly!"  said  the  Captain,  " I'll  read  the  arti 
cle!"  Putting  on  his  spectacles,  he  started  to  read  as 
follows :  "  At  five  o'clock  yesterday — " 

"  No,"  interrupted  his  wife,  "  read  the  heading  first." 

The  Captain  looked  long  and  steadily  at  the  head 
ing,  and  finally  read  as  follows : 

"THREE    HOODLUMS! 

THE     TOWN     INFESTED     BY     ROUGHS  ! 
THEIR   DISGRACEFUL  PROCEEDINGS!" 

The  Captain  stopped,  took  off  his  spectacles,  and 
gazed  under  his  shaggy  eyebrows  first  at  the  Major  and 
then  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  After  a  short  pause,  he  said  to 
the  Major :  "  Did  you  hear  of  these  reprobates  when 
you  were  in  town  yesterday  ?  " 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  185 

"Never  mind!"  said  his  wife,  sternly;  "read  on; 
their  names  are  given  further  along." 

Without  saying  a  word  in  response,  the  Captain 
read  on  as  follows:  "  *  At  five  o'clock  yesterday  the 
notice  of  the  local  reporter  of  the  Advance  was  first 
called  to  the  fact  that  three  roughs  had  just  arrived  in 
town,  all  in  a  beastly  state  of  intoxication.'  "  The  Cap 
tain  looked  over  his  spectacles  at  his  friends. 

"  Go  on,"  said  his  wife,  firmly. 

The  Captain  read :  "  '  We  understand  that  the  ap 
pearance  of  the  three  companions  was  such,  when  they 
got  off  the  train,  that  to  bystanders  they  appeared  to 
have  been  on  one  of  those  prolonged  sprees  common 
to  this  unhappy  element.'  " 

The  Captain  peered  over  his  glasses  at  his  com 
panions. 

"  Read  on,"  said  his  wife. 

" 4  They  immediately  became  the  sport  and  amuse 
ment  of  sundry  small  boys,  who  persistently  followed 
them  through  the  streets,  casting  chips,  mud,  and  other 
small  missiles  at  them.  The  roughs  next  went  into  a 
restaurant,  where  with  loud  and  violent  language  they 
proceeded  to  insult  every  decent  and  respectable  per 
son  present.' " 

The  Captain's  wrath,  which  had  been  gradually 
rising,  could  be  restrained  no  longer.  "The  infamous, 
conscienceless,  monstrous  liar  !  "  cried  he.  "  Why,  sir ! 
this  monstrous — this  fiendish  liar,  would  outlie  Satan, 
give  him  a  head  start,  and  double  discount  him  I " 

"Are  you  ready  to  continue?"  asked  his  wife,  in  the 
same  stern  tone. 


186  AFTER   THE    EDITOR. 

"  Certainly  !  I'll  read  the  article  ! "  said  the  Captain, 
and  he  read  on  :  "  4The  eyes  of  all  three  were  bloodshot 
and  their  faces  had  that  peculiar  white  look  so  common 
to  persons  who  are  confirmed  drunkards,  or  who  have 
been  on  prolonged  sprees.'  "  The  Captain  again  peered 
over  his  glasses  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  in  an  inquiring  man 
ner,  but,  without  making  any  comment,  proceeded  as 
follows :  " 4  We  have  called  them  all  roughs.  We 
have  done  this  advisedly.  Since  commencing  to  write 
this  article  we  have  been  informed  that  one  of  the 
persons  (Grunyon  by  name,)  is  of  Irish  descent  and 
has  a  small  farm  in  the  country  somewhere,  where  we 
are  informed  he  is  supposed  to  make  an  honest  living 
by  patiently  standing  at  the  door  of  his  house  in  his 
shirt-sleeves,  watching  the  growth  to  maturity  of  a 
couple  of  hogs,  which  with  his  children  are  his  sole 
possessions — unless  we  mention  his  poultry,  consisting 
of  one  lame  rooster.  If  this  be  true  and  he  does  earn 
an  honest  living,  he  should  not  play  the  despicable 
role  which  he  assumed  with  such  success  yesterday. 

" 4  One  of  his  companions,  who  has  the  aristocratic 
name  of  the  house  of  Hawkins  !  we  have  been  informed 
is  the  owner  of  a  grocery  store  in  San  Francisco,  and 
our  informant  is  ready  to  swear  he  sells  liquor  there 
without  a  license  ;  what  is  left,  our  readers  will  under 
stand,  after  he  has  himself  guzzled  with  his  mouth  to 
the  faucet  of  the  keg !  We  know  nothing  in  regard 
to  the  creature  by  the  name  of  Oldbiegh,  except  that 
he  has  generally  been  looked  upon  as  a  person  of 
suspicious  character. 

44 '  In  the  scenes  which  followed  we  will  say,  in  justice 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  187 

to  this  last  creature  and  the  creature  Hawkins,  that 
these  two  creatures  seemed  to  be  led  by  the  creature 
Grunyon,  who  was  the  arch  fiend.' "  The  Captain 
glanced  up  from  the  paper  at  his  wife,  but  there  was 
such  an  expression  of  scorn,  contempt  and  anger  on 
her  face  that  he  immediately  looked  back  at  the  paper 
and  continued  to  read  :  "  4  In  the  evening  these  three 
antiquated  hoodlums  visited  one  of  the  lowest  dives 
on  the  Pacific  Coast,  and  their  actions  there  were  of 
such  a  character  that  even  the  people  who  habitually 
attend  the  performances  were  astonished.  After  leav 
ing  this  place  track  was  lost  of  them,  but  we  have  no 
doubt  that  their  three  countenances  can  be  seen  peer 
ing  eagerly  through  the  bars  of  the  city  prison  this 
morning ; — that  is,  if  they  are  sober  enough  to  stand 
on  their  legs.' "  Here  the  article  ended,  and  the  Cap 
tain  laid  his  spectacles  down  on  the  table. 

"Well,"  said  the  lady,  after  a  moment's  pause,  "it 
would  seem,  Captain,  that  you  have  been  successful  in 
making  yourself  astonishingly  prominent.  Every  per 
son  in  Oakland  has  in  all  probability  read  of  your 
antics.  And  you,  Major  Hawkins,  you  will  have  a 
pretty  explanation  to  make  of  your  actions  when  you 
get  home.  Captain,"  continued  Mrs.  Grunyon,  with 
compressed  lips,  "have  you  anything  to  say?" 

"  Yes,  madam,  I  have  a  good  deal  to  say.  Something 
important  to  say.  I  shall  horsewhip  that  vile  dog  until 
I  have  taken  the  hair  off  I  When  I  leave  him  he'll  be 
as  blue  as  washing  blue  ;  and  there  won't  be  a  white 
spot  on  his  entire  body !  I'll  teach  him  to  set  me  up 
in  type  !  I'll  teach  the  scribbling  fiend  a  trick  or  two  ! 


188  AFTER    THE    EDITOR. 

Hawkins !  Oldbiegh !  "  said  the  Captain,  "  walk  out 
side.  I  want  to  talk  to  you  on  private  business.  Mrs. 
Grunyon,  you  must  excuse  us." 

"  Are  you  going  to  hunt  up  the  editor  ?  "  said  Mrs. 
Grunyon. 

"  Never  mind,  madam,"  said  the  Captain ;  "  did  you 
not  hear  me  say  the  business  was  to  be  private  ?"  Mrs. 
Grunyon  left  the  room. 

"Now,"  said  the  Captain,  "we  must  proceed  at  once 
to  thrash  the  cur.  The  honor  of  a  soldier  demands  it. 
Come,  let  us  proceed  at  once  !  " 

The  Captain,  followed  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  the 
Major,  started  for  the  stable,  a  building  with  white 
washed  walls,  about  two  hundred  yards  from  the  house. 
When  they  got  there,  the  stable  men  had  mysteriously 
disappeared.  There  was  no  one  to  harness  up  the 
carriage. 

"  Mrs.  Grunyon  has  sent  the  men  off.  I'll  harness 
up  myself.  Here,  Frank !  "  said  the  Captain  to  one  of 
his  boys  who  was  standing  near,  and  was  in  a  high  state 
of  glee  at  the  prospect  of  a  battle,  "  go  get  my  cavalry 
tactics;  it's  on  the  what-not,  in  the  corner,  in  the 
library." 

The  boy  started  off  on  a  run,  and  soon  came  back 
with  the  book.  The  Captain  was  about  to  harness  up 
the  buggy  according  to  the  rules  of  tactics,  when  he 
discovered  that  the  harness  was  hidden  away. 

"  This  is  monstrous ! "  said  he.  "  Do  you  ride  on 
horseback,  Oldbiegh  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  about  that  'ar',"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
"  If  the  horse  aren't  wild." 


AFTER   THE   EDITOR.  189 

"Well,  we'll  try  it,"  said  the  Captain. 

Now  another  trouble  arose, — the  bridles  were  gone. 
The  Captain,  however,  after  stumping  around  excitedly, 
at  last  found  some  old  bridles,  which  his  wife  had  over 
looked.  The  horses  were  therefore  soon  saddled  and 
bridled,  and  the  three  companions  were  nearly  ready  to 
mount  when  the  young  ladies  came  out,  and,  with  their 
arms  around  the  Captain's  neck,  begged  and  implored 
him  not  to  go,  for  he  would  surely  get  killed  if  he  did. 
Finding  it  impossible  to  produce  any  effect,  they  next 
appealed  to  Major  Hawkins  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Why,  bless  your  little  hearts !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
"  I'd  be  willing  to  be  larruped  and  whopped  myself  be 
fore  I'd  disappoint  you  ;  but,  you  see,  this  is  something 
it  aren't  for  you  to  understand.  You  see,  the  Captain, 
because  he's  a  soldier,  has  to  whop  the  varmin  ;  it's  one 
of  the  reg'lar  duties  of  a  soldier,  under  the  circum 
stances,  to  whop  him  according  to  chivalry ;  and  an 
old  soldier,  who's  been  through  the  war,  never  fails  to 
perform  his  duties.  As  for  me,  personally,  it  aren't  no 
matter  nohow,  for  I'm  a  rough  old  bachelor.  But  I'm 
ready  to  whop  the  varmin,  because  one  of  the  men  he 
spoke  about  was  your  par." 

"  Oh  !  now,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  dark-eyed  young 
lady, — the  Captain's  eldest  daughter, — whose  name  was 
Josephine,  "  for  my  sake  I  know  you'll  urge  my  father 
not  to  go  !  "  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  already  taken  a  great 
fancy  to  this  young  lady,  and  if  the  reader  is  of  the 
masculine  gender,  he  will  recognize  how  difficult  it  was 
for  him  to  resist  her  earnest  appeal.  "  Suppose  he 


190  AFTER   THE    EDITOR. 

should  get  killed,"   said  the   young  lady,   "  who  will 
look  after  us?" 

"I "will,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  solemnly;  "I'll  look 
arter  you ! " 

The  Captain  had  gotten  the  horses  saddled  and 
bridled  by  this  time.  He  told  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  get  on 
his  first.  He  did  so.  The  others  got  on  theirs,  and 
they  started  off,  the  Captain,  who  took  the  lead,  kicking 
the  flank  of  his  horse  violently  with  his  wooden  leg. 

Now,  if  there  was  any  one  thing  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
knew  less  about  than  another,  it  was  that  peculiar 
creature  called  a  horse.  With  a  faint  idea  that  reins 
were  to  be  used  for  the  purpose  of  assisting  the  rider 
to  hold  on,  being  sorely  in  need  of  such  assistance,  and 
feeling  extremely  uncertain  as  to  the  length  of  time 
which  he  might  remain  on  unless  he  had  some  such 
assistance,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  began  to  pull  steadily  on  the 
reins  before  he  had  gone  thirty  feet.  This  produced  a 
sudden  and  peculiar  change  in  the  movements  of  the 
horse.  It  had  been  trotting  straight  to  the  front.  It 
now  changed  around  and  proceeded  to  dance  a  horse 
polka  up  the  road  sidewise.  A  keen  observer  might 
now  have  noticed  that  at  every  step  of  the  horse  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  rose  in  his  seat  without  any  apparent  object, 
to  such  an  extent  that  quite  a  view  of  the  distant  hills 
could  have  been  had  between  the  saddle  and  Mr.  Old 
biegh.  As  these  unpremeditated  movements  somewhat 
galled  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  he  pulled  the  harder  on  the  reins. 
However,  the  horse  finally  got  the  bit  between  his  teeth 
and  went  ahead  at  a  very  steady  and  jolting  trot,  which 
almost  shook  the  teeth  out  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  head, 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  191 

while  he  held  the  bridle  in  one  shaking  hand  and  the 
pummel  of  the  saddle  in  the  other.  He  soon  caught 
up  with  his  two  friends.  They  now  went  along  very 
comfortably  for  half  a  mile,  when  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  horse 
seemed  suddenly  to  come  to  the  conclusion  that  he  had 
gone  far  enough,  for  he  wheeled  around  and  started  for 
home  on  a  gallop.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  portly  figure  rose 
and  fell  in  the  saddle  with  such  harsh  and  uncertain 
movements  that  he  was  compelled  to  drop  the  bridle 
and  hold  firmly  to  the  pummel.  The  horse  went  faster 
and  faster,  and  the  young  ladies  soon  saw  him  coming 
up  the  road  in  a  cloud  of  dust.  They  wondered  what 
could  be  the  matter,  and  when  he  flew  past  the  porch 
they  called  to  him,  but  Mr.  Oldbiegh  with  head  down 
and  both' hands  gripping  the  pummel  of  the  saddle  like 
a  vise  flew  past  without  time  for  a  reply.  To  use  a  com 
mon  expression,  "  he  had  bitten  off  more  than  he  could 
chew."  The  horse  did  not  stop  until  it  had  shot 
through  the  doorway  of  the  stable,  and  had  gone  into 
its  stall,  with  Mr.  Oldbiegh  still  on  its  back,  holding  as 
firmly  as  if  he  had  been  fastened  there  with  a  pot  of 
paste.  The  young  ladies,  accompanied  by  Mr.  Judsou 
C.  Muggs  and  Mr.  Quagg,  came  down  to  the  stable  and 
found  him  still  sitting  in  this  position.  With  the  assis 
tance  of  the  two  gentlemen  Mr.  Oldbiegh  succeeded 
in  dismounting. 

44  Where's  the  Captain  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Quagg. 

44 1  aren't  found  out,  for  this  horse  had  made  up  his 
mind  not  to  go  to  town,  and  he  wouldn't  go  nohow,  so 
I  thought  I'd  come  back,  haw !  haw ! "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh. 


192  AFTER   THE   EDITOR. 

After  a  little  while  the  Captain  was  seen  driving  up 
the  road  in  a  covered  carriage,  and  just  behind  him  was 
the  Major,  on  horseback,  dragging  the  Captain's  horse, 
which  came  unwillingly.  All  three  now  got  into  the 
carriage  and  started  again.  It  was  not  long  before  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  who  enjoyed  a  rapid  drive  above  all  things 
in  the  world,  began  to  call,  "  Whop  'em  up !  "  The 
Captain,  who  was  anxious  to  get  at  his  enemy, — for  his 
wrath  was  boiling  over  in  the  shape  of  vituperation, — 
did  not  have  to  be  urged  a  second  time,  and  they  were 
soon  going  along  at  a  rapid  rate. 

They  arrived  in  front  of  the  office  of  the  Daily  Ad 
vance,  and  all  three  were  on  the  sidewalk  in  a  moment. 
The  Captain  led  the  way  into  the  editorial  rooms,  when 
he  drew  a  cowhide  from  his  coat.  A  man  with  a  long 
silken  black  beard  was  sitting  at  a  desk,  with  his  back 
to  them.  The  Captain  began  to  rain  such  a  shower  of 
blows  on  his  back  that  he  looked  up,  and  after  that 
jumped  up  and  began  to  dance  about  the  room,  while 
the  Captain  steadied  himself  by  planting  the  cane, 
which  he  held  in  his  left  hand,  on  the  floor,  and  lashed 
the  man  with  the  whip  which  he  held  in  his  right.  The 
man,  while  he  warded  off  the  blows  with  his  left  arm, 
continued  to  jump  about  the  room  with  wonderful 
rapidity. 

"  Whop  'em  up  !  "  shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  will ! "  said  the  Captain,  as  he  rained  the  blows 
on  the  man. 

"  Hold  !  "  shouted  the  Major,  "  you've  got  the  wrong 
man!" 


AFTER    THE    EDITOR.  193 

The  Captain  stopped  and  looked.  Sure  enough  it 
was  not  the  editor,  after  all. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  Captain,  "  I  beg  your  pardon, 
earnestly  ;  but  you  really  deserve  the  thrashing  you've 
gotten  for  wearing  that  mop  on  your  chin ;  and  I'll 
venture  to  say,  sir,  that  you  can't  sign  your  name  in  a 
legible  manner ;  but  if  there  is  anything  I  can  do  by 
way  of  recompense,  call  on  me,  sir." 

"  I  don't  know  that  there  is  anything  you  can  do," 
said  the  man,  with  a  wry  face,  rubbing  his  back  arid 
shoulders. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  "  if  there  is,  let  me  know; 
and  if  there  are  any  amends  which  it  is  in  my  power  to 
make,  I'll  make  them,  you  can  be  assured  of  that ;  for 
although  it  was  all  a  mistake,  I  know  it  stings  just  as 
badly  as  if  it  wasn't ;  and  I  believe  for  every  wrong 
done  there  should  be  a  remedy.  How  about  the  editor 
of  the  journal?  Is  he  a  friend  of  yours?" 

"  No,  sir,"  said  the  man. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  Captain,  "  what  is  he?" 

"I  have  reason  to  consider  him  an  enemy,"  replied 
the  person  with  the  long  beard. 

"Well,  sir,"  said  the  Captain,  "when  I  find  the 
hairy  brute,  I  intend  to  give  him  a  worse  whipping 
than  I  gave  you.  Yes,  sir,  I  shall  whip  his  mop  off  for 
him ;  and  if  I  understand  your  i'eelings,  the  result  will 
be  soothing  to  you,  and  act  in  a  certain  degree  by  way 
of  amends.  Do  you  know  where  he  has  gone  to,  and 
why  he  has  fled?" 

"  It  is  easily  explained,"  said  the  gentleman,  as  he 
rubbed  his  left  shoulder.  "He  has  been  running  a 
12 


194  AFTER   THE    EDITOR. 

paper  in  the  town  but  a  short  time,  and  he  did  not 
know  that  you  were  persons  of  prominence  in  the  com 
munity.  If  he'd  known  who  you  were,  he  wouldn't 
have  made  the  blunder.  As  to  his  whereabouts,  I  am 
uncertain.  I  think  he  has  gone  to  stop  with  his  brother- 
in-law,  Mr.  Oldwhistle." 

"  What?"  said  the  Captain,  "the  yellow-haired  little 
wretch,  whose  place  adjoins  mine  I " 

"  No,"  said  the  other,  "  it's  a  brother  of  his — a  scien 
tist  who  lives  in  San  Francisco." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  pricked  up  his  ears.  "  Well,  ef  I  won't 
be  bobbed  !  "  said  he.  "It's  the  etarnal  varmin,  darned 
ef  it  aren't !  It's  always  on  hand  in  connection  with 
dirty  work ! " 

"You  know  the  wretch's  scientific  brother,  then?" 
said  the  Captain. 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  do  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  «  and  I'll  have 
that  'ar'  piece  of  yaller  soap  whopped  yet,  ef  I  have  to 
live  to  be  as  old  as  Methuseler  afore  it's  done.  Do 
you  know  him?" 

"  Do  I  know  him  ?  "  said  the  Captain,  with  a  sour 
smile.  "  I  lose  fifty  pounds  of  flesh  every  August  on 
account  of  the  little  scientific  monstrosity.  He  comes 
out  to  his  brother's  ranch  every  year  to  gather  weeds 
to  take  home  with  him,  for  he's  a  botanist.  You  can 
find  him  in  the  field  from  six  o'clock  in  the  morning 
to  after  dark  at  night,  amongst  the  weeds,  skipping 
about  for  all  the  world  like  an  overgrown  grasshopper. 
I've  run  across  the  little  wretch  when  out  hunting 
with  my  dogs,  so  covered  with  burrs  and  stained  with 
tar  weeds  that  my  dogs  didn't  know  he  was  human, 


AFTER   THE   EDITOR.  195 

and,  taking  after  him  for  a  wild  beast,  chased  him 
across  the  country  on  a  dead  run ;  and  the  queer  thing 
about  it  was,"  continued  the  Captain,  with  a  Forty- 
fourth  Tennessee  wink,  "that  it  was  impossible  to  call 
the  dogs  off.  Where  did  you  run  across  him,  Old- 
biegh  ?  " 

"  He's  stopping  at  my  hotel,  and  thar's  where  I  run 
across  him,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "He  runs  with  a 
flock  of  women  when  he's  thar'." 

"  I  know,"  said  the  Captain.  "  He  hasn't  got  in  him 
the  manhood  of  a  small-sized  musquito ;  and  yet 
he's  the  most  persistent,  untiring  and  energetic  little 
wretch  in  search  of  tar  weeds.  When  he's  after  them, 
he's  perfectly  fiendish  in  his  hunt,  and  his  tongue 
hangs  out  of  his  mouth.  Every  year  he  tries  to  sneak 
onto  my  grounds  and  poach  on  my  weeds — for  I've  got 
a  particular  kind  of  weed  he  can't  get  anywhere  else. 
But  while  he's  in  the  neighborhood,  I  put  my  men  on 
guard  at  night  and  have  dogs  chained  all  along  the 
borders  of  my  grounds  to  give  the  alarm  when  this 
weed  monstrosity  makes  Ins  approach.  I  despise  the 
little  scoundrel  and  his  whole  venomous  race.  I 
have  had  a  lawsuit  with  his  scoundrelly  brother  for  the 
last  twenty  years  about  our  division  line.  Well,  sir," 
said  the  Captain,  turning  to  the  gentleman  he  had  so 
lately  thrashed,  "  allow  me  the  honor  of  shaking  your 
hand ;  and  I  hope  we  shall  have  the  pleasure  of  your 
company  at  my  place,  where  I  shall  do  the  utmost  in 
my  power  to  make  it  pleasant  for  you." 

After  Major  Hawkins  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  shaken 
hands  with  the  gentleman,  they  started  for  home. 


196  AFTER   THE    EDITOR. 

When  they  had  gotten  about  half  way  home  they 
saw  two  carriages  driving  toward  them,  filled  with 
young  ladies  and  a  couple  of  gentlemen.  When  they 
got  close  up  the  company  was  recognized  to  be  com 
posed  chiefly  of  the  female  element  of  the  Captain's 
family.  They  all  stopped  their  vehicles  and  the  Cap 
tain  learned  from  Mrs.  Grunyon,  who  was  in  one  of 
the  carriages,  that  fearing  a  serious  termination  to  the 
matter  they  had  followed  after  him. 

"  Pshaw ! "  said  the  Captain,  who  was  greatly  dis 
gusted.  "  Nonsense !  I'm  not  as  easily  killed  as  a 
spring  chicken.  I've  got  a  skin  as  tough  as  a  raw 
hide ! " 

"Did  you  kill  anybody?"  asked  the  dark-eyed 
Josephine,  anxiously. 

"  No,  I  didn't,"  said  the  Captain,  gruffly.  "  I  haven't 
made  a  solitary  fiendish  corpse  to-day  !  " 

"Well,  what  have  you  done,  sir?"  demanded  his 
wife. 

"  Madam,"  said  the  Captain,  "  since  your  woman's 
curiosity  keeps  you  in  a  hysterical  state  of  suspense,  I 
will  tell  you  that  I  have  larruped  a  mop-faced  cur  'till 
he's  as  raw  as  a  beefsteak." 

44  What ! "  said  his  wife,  44  the  editor  ?  " 

44  No,  madam  ;  by  an  unfortunate  mistake  I  thrashed 
the  wrong  individual !  " 

"  What  was  his  name  ?  "  asked  Miss  Maud  Glennon, 
quickly. 

44  Carleton,"  said  the  Captain. 

The  young  lady  uttered  a  shrill  shriek  and  fell  back 
in  the  arms  of  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs,  who  sat  along- 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  197 

side  of  her  in  the  back  part  of  the  carriage.  The 
gentleman  held  the  fainting  beauty  in  his  arms  with 
great  apparent  pleasure. 

"  What's  the  meaning  of  all  this  unearthly  shrieking 
and  tumult  ?"  said  the 'Captain,  excitedly. 

"Never  mind,"  said  his  wife,  sternly  ;  "you  have 
done  about  enough  for  one  day ! " 

Many  were  the  expressions  of  "  Poor  dear !  "  "  The 
sweet  pet !  "  "  Do  come  to,  now  !  "  "  Make  an  effort !  " 
etc.,  uttered  by  the  young  ladies ;  and  even  Mr.  Old- 
biegh  in  his  generous  anxiety  was  heard  to  call  upon 
her  to  "  make  a  effort ; — thar'  now !  "  And  widely 
did  the  poetical  eyes  of  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs  open 
when  the  young  ladies  opened  the  snow  white  bosom 
of  their  prostrate  companion.  The  Captain  seemed  to 
be  in  a  dazed  state  and  was  perfectly  silent,  except 
when  he  once  said :  "  Oldbiegh,  my  dear  boy,  can  you 
make  out  this  monstrous  row?" — but  as  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
could  not  explain  the  cause,  he  relapsed  into  gloomy 
silence.  When  they  got  home  the  young  lady  was  put 
to  bed,  after  which  the  Captain  learned  from  one  per 
son  that  she  had  chills  and  that  bottles  containing  hot 
water  had  been  put  at  her  feet.  Another  told  him 
it  was  suspected  that  she  had  brain  fever,  and  that  the 
cause  was  attributed  to  him.  Still  another  told  him 
that  he  had  frightened  her  into  a  hysterical  fit,  and  it 
was  thought  that  she  would  never  recover. 

"Pinch  me,  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  after  hear 
ing  these  charges,  "and  tell  me  what  sort  of  a  hyena 
lam!" 

He  spent  the  day  in  misery.     When  he  inquired  of 


198  AFTER   THE   EDITOR. 

his  wife  and  daughters  about  the  young  lady's  state, 
they  would  put  their  fingers  to  their  lips,  as  a  warning 
to  be  silent,  and  he  could  obtain  no  information  from 
them.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  tried  to  soothe  him,  but  as  he 
was  unable  to  give  any  explanation  of  the  matter,  his 
consolation  did  the  tender-hearted  old  soldier  no  good. 
Finally,  in  a  fit  of  desperation,  he  got  Mr.  Quagg  in  a 
corner  and  attempted  to  obtain  information  from  him. 
Unfortunately  for  the  Captain,  this  personage  was 
quite  deaf,  and  like  most  deaf  people  spoke  in  an 
unusually  loud  tone.  Mrs.  Grrunyon  had  given  orders 
that  the  strictest  quiet  should  be  kept  in  the  house. 

"  Say,"  said  the  Captain,  in  a  low  tone,  when  he  had 
cornered  Mr.  Quagg,  "can  you  explain  this  everlasting 
kettle  of  fish  that  I've  stirred  up  in  some  mysterious 
way?" 

"  Certainly  !  "  said  the  reverend  gentleman,  in  a  loud 
tone,  as  he  smiled  blandly.  "  He's  a  fine  gentleman, — 
is  Mr.  Kettleridge.  I  met  him  at  the  Geysers  last 
summer.  Oh  !  yes,  certainly!  He's  got  a  fine  family, 
too !  " 

"  Sh-h-h !"  said  the  Captain;  "don't  talk  so  loud. 
Sh-h-h !  " 

"  She  ? "  said  the  other,  "  oh !  yes,  she  is  a  fine 
woman,  his  wife  is,  an  excellent  woman.  Fine  family. 
Finely  educated,  too  I." 

"  Hush  !  "said  the  Captain,  in  a  shrill  whisper. 

"What's  that?  "  said  Mr.  Quagg,  holding  his  hand 
up  to  his  ear  ;  "  speak  louder !  " 

"Don't  talk  so  loud!"  said  the  Captain,  in  a  loud 
whisper. 


AFTER   THE    EDITOR.  199 

"Oh!  yes,  haw!  haw!  Very  good!  very  good!" 
said  the  other. 

"  Oldbiegh ! "  said  the  Captain,  beckoning  to  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  who  was  at  the  end  of  the  hall,  "  come  here 
and  see  if  you  can  shut  up  this  everlasting  talking 
machine.  He'll  have  the  whole  house  down  on  us  in  a 
minute  ! " 

When  Mr.  Oldbiegh  came  up,  Mr.  Quagg  broke  out 
again  in  a  loud  tone  of  voice :  "  Seeing  you,  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  reminds  me  of  a  veiy  funny  story.  I  had  a 
friend  in  South  America.  He  was  your  exact  coun 
terpart  and  was  of  German  descent,  and  his  wife  was 
German  and  his  children  were  German,  ha !  ha!  " 

"Oh,  Lord!"  said  the  Captain,  in  an  agonized  tone, 
"  this  beastly  eight-day  talking  machine  is  wound  up 
again  !  For  heaven's  sake,  Oldbiegh,  turn  it  off!  " 

"  That's  very  true,  Captain,  ha !  ha  !  he  !  ha  !  "  said 
Mr.  Quagg. 

At.  this  moment  Mrs.  Grunyon,  followed  by  three 
young  ladies,  came  down  the  stairs  and  walked  up  to 
the  Captain. 

"Oh!^you  heartless  creature!"  said  she,  looking 
sternly  at  her  husband,  "laughing  loudly,  when  the 
poor  dear  that  you  have  sent  to  death's  door  is  lying 
probably  on  her  death  bed  up-stairs ! " 

"I  protest,  Madam,"  said  the  Captain,  "that  the 
laugh  was  not  mine.  It  was  uttered  by  this  fiendish 
deaf  mute  here  at  my  elbow  I  " 

The  lady  gazed  at  him  with  a  look  of  scornful  dis 
belief,  as  she  turned  away. 


200  A   LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

CHAPTER   VII. 

A    LITERARY     ENTERTAINMENT. 

THE  next  morning  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Major  Haw 
kins  were  out  taking  a  walk  over  the  place  and 
enjoying  the  sunlight  after  breakfast,  when  their  atten 
tion  was  attracted  by  rather  a  peculiar  scene  down  the 
road.  A  negro  boy  and  a  white  boy  were  fighting  in 
a  ferocious  manner,  and  the  Captain  was  stumping 
around  and  urging  one  of  them  on.  Upon  coming  up 
to  the  scene  of  battle  they  discovered  the  white  boy  to 
be  one  of  the  Captain's  sons,  and  they  afterwards 
learned  that  the  negro  boy  belonged  on  Mr.  Old  whis 
tle's  place.  The  Captain  was  hurrahing  when  his  boy 
got  the  best  of  it,  and  was  shouting:  "Pitch  into 
him,  you  yearling  calf!  Go  it!  you  yearling  calf! 
Whip  him,  or  I'll  thrash  you  within  an  inch  of  your 
life  !  Fight  like  a  soldier,  sir  !  "  Encouraged  by  such 
flattering  terms  as  "you  yearling  calf,"  etc.,  the  boy 
soon  thrashed  his  opponent.  "  Now,  you  young  hound," 
said  Captain  Grunyon,  "  make  tracks  for  home,  and  let 
me  catch  you  fighting  again,  if  you  dare !  "  The  boy 
went  to  a  neighboring  horse  trough  to  wash  his  bleed 
ing  nose. 

"Now,"  said  the  Captain,  addressing  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  the  Major,  "  I  want  to  show  you  my  hogs.  I'm 
proud  of  them.  They  are  the  fattest,  handsomest  and 
most  intelligent  hogs  in  the  State.  One  of  them  is  so 
intelligent  that,  if  he  could  only  speak,  I  believe  he 


A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT.  201 

could  edit  a  newspaper !  I'm  going  to  have  him  on 
exhibition  at  the  State  Fair." 

After  pointing  out  the  fine  qualities  of  his  hogs  to 
his  companions,  the  Captain  led  them  to  his  poultry 
yard.  It  was  very  near  the  division  line  between  his 
place  and  that  of  his  neighbor  and  enemy,  Mr.  Old- 
whistle.  The  Captain  told  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  Mr. 
Old  whistle  had  sixty  fighting  cocks  while  he  had  only 
fifty ;  and  that  Mr.  Oldwhistle  always  kept  his  penned 
up  and  never  let  them  out  for  fear  his  (the  Captain's) 
might  be  let  out  at  the  same  time.  "He  knows  that 
mine  can  whip  the  feathers  off  his,  which  are  nothing 
more  than  common  dung-hills,"  said  the  Captain.  He 
had  hardly  made  this  remark  when  he  became  sud 
denly  excited.  "Look!"  said  he,  pointing  straight 
ahead.  His  companions  looked  and  saw  some  sixty  or 
seventy  chickens  about  one  hundred  feet  beyond  the 
Captain's  poultry  yard.  "  They're  his  game  cocks  !  " 
said  the  Captain,  "  and  they're  on  my  land.  It's  his 
new  man  who's  done  this  in  his  absence,  for  he's  away 
from  home.  Now  for  a  glorious  battle !  Now  for 
blood  and  slaughter  !  This  way,  Oldbiegh,  this  way, 
Hawkins."  The  Captain  and  his  companions  slipped 
around  and  got  into  the  poultry  yard  by  a  back 
entrance.  Many  of  the  Captain's  birds  were  already 
uttering  shrill  challenges  to  the  enemy  without. 
"  Now,  Hawkins,"  said  the  Captain,  after  they  were  in 
the  yard,  "  what's  the  plan  of  battle  ?  Shall  we  send 
our  forces  out  in  platoons  of  say  sixteen  or  eighteen, 
or  shall  we  make  one  sweeping  charge  ?  " 

"What  do  you  think?  "  said  the  Major. 


202  A  LITP:RARY  ENTERTAINMENT. 

"  I  think  it  would  be  well  to  send  sixteen  to  fall  on 
their  right  flank,  and  sixteen  to  fall  on  their  left,  and 
to  send  the  rest  on  a  rapid  charge  in  double  time  for 
their  centre." 

After  trying  this  scientific  plan,  they  concluded  to 
let  out  all  the  birds  at  once,  which  they  finally  did, 
whereupon  each  bird  adopted  his  own  tactics,  and  was 
soon  engaged  in  a  bloody  war  of  extermination,  which 
greatly  pleased  the  three  companions.  There  was  only 
one  unpleasant  feature  about  the  whole  battle,  and  that 
was  that  the  fight  became  so  confused  that  the  birds  of 
both  parties  began  to  mistake  friends  for  enemies.  The 
strife  raged  with  intense  fury  for  nearly  an  hour,  and 
the  losses  on  both  sides  were  heavy.  So  terrific  was  the 
struggle  that  the  wounded  were  left  lying  on  the  field 
of  battle.  Finally,  the  number  of  able-bodied  warriors 
was  reduced  to  fourteen,  and  as  these  all  belonged  to 
the  Captain,  he  proceeded  to  separate  them,  and  with 
the  assistance  of  his  friends  succeeded  in  placing  them 
in  separate  apartments  in  the  chicken-house,  where 
they  began  to  crow  in  a  manner  which  showed  that 
each  was  satisfied  that  he  had  won  the  victory. 

When  Mr.  Oldwhistle  returned  home  that  night,  he 
found  his  chicken-house  as  silent  as  a  graveyard,  and  a 
little  later  discovered  the  field  of  battle  strewn  with 
the  corpses  of  his  birds.  To  him  it  appeared  a  sad 
spectacle  as  the  moonlight  fell  upon  their  pale  coun 
tenances.  Of  course,  he  was  unable  to  prove  that  the 
Captain  had  been  the  moving  cause  of  their  death,  but 
he  was,  nevertheless,  firmly  convinced  that  it  was  so, 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  203 

and,  as  a  consequence,  his  hatred  for  Captain  Grunyon 
was  greatly  increased. 

When  the  three  friends  reached  home  the  Captain 
was  informed  by  his  wife  that  two  of  the  boys  had, 
'contrary  to  her  express  orders,  gone  into  the  garden 
and  plucked  some  ears  of  green  corn,  which,  after 
climbing  into  a  tree  with  some  companions,  they  had 
eaten.  The  Captain  never  allowed  any  of  his  children 
to  be  punished  until  he  had  formally  tried  them  for  the 
offense.  He  therefore  called  the  two  offenders  and 
made  them  stand  in  front  of  him.  Taking  a  seat  in  a 
large  arm-chair,  he  said :  "  Call  the  witnesses  against 
the  accused."  Mrs.  Grunyon  called  her  eldest  daughter, 
who  had  seen  the  boys  going  up  into  the  tree,  with 
something  in  their  hands,  she  could  not  make  out  what. 
Nellie,  the  youngest  child  in  the  house,  was  called  next. 
The  two  culprits  frowned  savagely  at  her.  But  she 
said  boldly  that  she  had  seen  corn  husks  and  cobs  fall 
ing  out  of  the  tree  when  the  boys  were  in  it.  This  was 
all  the  evidence  to  prove  the  charge.  "  Now,"  said  the 
Captain,  "we'll  hear  from  the  defense."  A  son  of  Mr. 
Old  whistle's — for  although  the  parents  quarrelled  the 
boys  did  not — arid  the  son  of  another  neighbor  were 
produced  by  the  defendants ;  and  these  boys  testified 
that  they  were  all  four  in  swimming  in  a  creek  two 
mile*  distant  at  the  time  of  the  commission  of  the 
alleged  offense.  In  rendering  his  decision,  the  Captain 
said  :  "  The  defense  is  an  alibi.  After  weighing  all  the 
testimony,  I  find  ground  for  a  reasonable  doubt  in  favor 
of  the  accused  ;  they  are,  therefore,  acquitted  ; — but 
you  young  hounds,  don't  let  me  catch  you  doing  it 


204  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

again,  or  I'll  thrash  you  within  an  inch  of  your  lives, 
you  vicious  young  cubs  !  " 

The  Captain  had  several  trials  during  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
stay,  and  it  was  a  noticeable  fact  that  not  one  of  them 
resulted  in  a  conviction. 

In  a  few  days  Miss  Maud  Glennon  was  well.  In  the 
meantime  the  Captain  was  greatly  astonished  to  learn 
that  the  gentleman  whom  he  had  thrashed  so  unmerci 
fully  was  engaged  to  be  married  to  her.  He  was  stand 
ing  on  the  front  porch,  wondering  what  he  could  do  to 
make  amends,  when  he  saw  a  little  man  in  a  one-horse 
buggy,  lashing  the  one  horse  as  he  drove  up  to  the 
house.  It  was  not  long  before  he  reached  the  house, 
when  the  Captain  descended  the  steps  and  assisted  him 
out  of  the  buggy,  and  then  assisted  him  in  lowering 
the  dusty  leather  top  of  the  vehicle,  which  the  little 
man  insisted  on  having  down  before  he  would  turn  the 
carriage  over  to  one  of  the  farm  hands,  who  stood 
ready  to  take  it  to  the  stable. 

"Is  Maud  here?"  were  the  first  words  of  the  new 
comer. 

"She  is,"  said  the  Captain. 

"  Oh !  the  wretched  girl ! "  said  the  man,  angrity. 
The  speaker  was  a  thin,  little  man,  about  fifty  years  of 
age,  with  a  large  nose  in  the  centre  of  his  face,  and 
leaden  eyes.  He  wore  a  blue  jacket  and  blue  panta 
loons.  He  had  large  pointed  ears,  and  the  hair,  which 
grew  only  on  the  side  of  his  head,  stood  straight  up. 
The  top  of  his  cranium  was  perfectly  bald.  Such  was 
the  striking  appearance  of  the  gentleman  when  he  took 
off  his  hat  and  walked  into  the  house.  With  his  hat 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  205 

off  he  would  have  been  the  observed  among  a  thousand. 
As  soon  as  he  got  into  the  hallway,  he  began  to  call  at 
the  top  of  his  lungs  for  "Maud  !  Maud  !  " 

The  Captain  was  greatly  astonished  at  the  actions  of 
this  person,  whom  he  knew,  by  the  descriptions  he  had 
had  of  him  to  be  Mr.  Glennon,  but  he  had  never  met 
him  before.  As  Miss  Glennon  did  not  come,  the  little 
man  called  out  in  a  louder  and  more  angry  tone.  In  a 
short  time  a  door  on  the  left  side  of  the  hallway  was 
thrown  open  and  Miss  Glennon  was  seen  at  work  with 
a  number  of  other  young  ladies  on  a  quilt. 

"  You  wretched  girl ! "  said  the  little  man  at  once, 
"you  would  —  " 

"Oh!  pa,  don't!  "  said  the  young  lady,  "don't  make 
one  of  your  disagreeable  scenes  !  " 

"  I  won't  make  a  scene ! "  said  the  little  man,  with 
redoubled  anger.  "  I  won't  make  a  scene,  you  wretched 
girl !  You  will  act  in  secret,  hey  ?  You  will  keep 
secrets  from  me,  hey  ?  " 

"  Oh !  pa,  please  don't !  "  said  the  young  lady,  anx 
iously. 

"You  will  be  up  to  your  monkey  shines  without 
letting  me  know?  "said  the  little  man,  in  a  furious 
state  of  wrath.  "Engaging  yourself  in  secret,  you 
wretched  girl !  "  The  young  lady  threw  up  her  hands 
and  shrieked.  "Engaged,"  continued  the  little  man, 
"  to  a  dead  beat !  "  Several  other  young  ladies  shrieked. 
"  Oh  !  yes,  shriek,  shriek,  shriek  !  "  said  the  little  man  ; 
"you  all  are  just  as  bad.  I  warrant  you  all  are  secretly 
engaged  !  "  Several  of  the  young  ladies  shrieked  again. 
44  Why  do  you  shriek  ?  "  said  the  little  man.  "  Did  you 


206  A    LITKRARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

see  a  mouse  ?  Do  you  smell  a  rat?  Oh  !  I  understand. 
You  all  smell  rats  ! — smell  rats  !  Maud,  you  wretched 
girl,  come  here!" 

"  No,  she  shan't ! "  said  the  dark-eyed  Josephine, 
defiantly. 

"  Oh,  pa ! "  said  Miss  Glennon  again,  "  please  don't 
make  a  scene.  Please  go  away.  That's  a  good  pa !  " 

44  Who's  making  a  scene  ?  "  said  the  little  man,  "  who's 
making  a  scene  ?  Am  I  a  scene  ?  If  there's  any  scene 
it's  your  shrieking.  Tell  me — aren't  you  engaged  to  a 
dead  beat  without  my  knowledge  ?  " 

"  No,  I'm  not !  "  said  the  young  lady,  defiantly. 

"  Isn't  the  fellow,  who  got  so  unmercifully  thrashed 
in  the  Advance  office,  a  beat?  " 

"  Oh !  pa,  how  can  you  ?"  said  Miss  Maud.  * 

"  It's  because  he's  a  cruel  old  monster  !  "  said  Miss 
Josephine. 

44  I'm  a  monster,  am  I  ?  "  said  the  little  man,  turning 
to  her;  44do  I  look  like  a  monster?" 

44  You  surely  do — just  like  one !  "  said  the  young  lady! 

44  Oh  !  oh  !  "  said  the  little  man,  turning  around  and 
looking  at  Captain  Grunyon  with  a  silly  look.  i4  Cap 
tain  Grunyon,  I  believe  ?  " 

44  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  Captain,  44  that's  my  title,  and  I 
believe  I  have  the  honor  of  addressing  Mr.  Glennon." 

44  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  little  man.  44  You  thrashed  the 
wretch  ?  " 

44 1  did,"  said  the  Captain,  "  through  a  mistake." 

44  Oh !  it  don't  -matter  about  the  mistake,"  said  Mr. 
Glennon.  44  He  deserved  it,  and  you  thrashed  him  I 
You  hear  that,  Maud?  He  thrashed  your  beat ;  unmer- 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  20V 

cifully,  unmercifully,  I  hope,  Captain,"  added  Mr. 
Glennon,  turning  to  the  Captain. 

The  little  man  wanted  to  take  Maud  home  with  him 
at  once,  but  the  Captain  succeeded  in  dissuading  him. 
They,  therefore,  adjourned  to  the  sideboard  in  the 
dining-room,  where  the  little  man,  after  he  had  taken  a 
drink  with  the  Captain,  informed  him  that  when  he 
discovered  that  his  daughter  was  secretly  engaged  to. 
the  man,  and  after  he  had  learned  further  that  Mr. 
Carleton  was  worth  nothing,  from  a  financial  point  of 
view,  he  had  instantly  put  his  friends  on  their  guard 
against  this  adventurer.  "  Why,  sir,"  said  the  little 
man,  "imagine  the  audacity  of  the  wretch  to  court  my 
daughter  secretly  without  a  cent.  He  always  told  me 
he  had  a  rich  uncle,  which  was  false ;  so  he  was  really 
trying  to  obtain  my  daughter  under  false  pretenses. 
A  crime,  sir !  A  crime  at  law !  I  could  have  sent  him 
to  the  penitentiary !  So  I  have  told  all  my  friends 
about  it.  I  have  told  them  he  has  attempted  to  com 
mit  a  crime  at  law !  Yes,  sir,  I  have  told  it  to  a  hun 
dred  men.  I  have  given  the  wretch  a  black  reputation 
for  entering  into  a  secret  engagement  with  my  daughter 
without  my  knowledge.  If  any  one  has  the  audacity 
to  do  it,  I  shall  blacken  his  reputation.  Several  have 
done  it,  and  the  result  is  that  their  reputations  now 
wouldn't  be  of  any  benefit  to  a  poodle  dog !  No,  sir, 
I  won't  have  it ! "  said  Mr.  Glennon,  excitedly. 

"  Well,  ef  I  won't  be  bobbed  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
who  was  standing  by,  while  a  good-natured  smile  over 
spread  his  features. 


208  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

"  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  "  Glennon.  Glennon, 
Oldbiegh  ;  know  each  other." 

"  Glard  to  know  yer ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  holding 
out  his  large  hand  to  Mr.  Glennon.  Mr.  Glennon 
looked  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  curiously,  as  he  took  his  hand 
without  saying  anything. 

"What's  this?"  said  the  Captain,  opening  a  letter 
which  one  of  his  younger  sons  handed  him.  The  Cap 
tain  looked  long  at  the  superscription.  The  missive 
was  addressed  to  "  Mr."  Grunyon.  "  Who  is  it "  said 
the  Captain,  "  that  knows  me  and  hasn't  got  courtesy 
enough  in  his  skin  to  address  me  by  my  title?"  He 
tore  the  envelope  open,  and  as  he  read,  a  look  of  amaze 
ment  overspread  his  features.  The  letter  commenced, 
"  My  dear,  dear  Jack." 

"What  do  you  think  of  that,  Oldbiegh?"  said  the 
Captain.  "  Whoever  he  is,  he's  monstrously  familiar 
with  me." 

"  It  sounds,  for  all  the  world,  like  a  two-forty  wid- 
dyer,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  and  it  don't  sound  like  a 
man,  nohow." 

"  Certainly,  blast  it !  I  say  it's  a  man  I  "  said  the 
Captain.  " It's  a  man's  handwriting.  What's  this?  It 
says,  4  Meet  me  in  the  grove  at  eight  to-night.'  It's  a 
foot-pad !  A  scheme  to  rob  me  !  "  The  Captain  studied 
over  the  signature,  but  could  not  make  it  out.  He 
grew  wrothy  at  once.  "The  brute  can't  sign  his  name. 
It  looks  like  Billy.  I'll  be  there  to  meet  him  I  I'd 
like  to  catch  him  !  I'd  give  him  a  writing  lesson,  and 
I'd  print  it  on  his  trowsers  !  " 

"Well,  ef  I  won't  be  bobbed!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 


A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT.  209 

Who  had  been  looking  over  the  Captain's  shoulder. 
"It  is  a  widdyer,  arter  all!  The  name  is  Bella! 
Look  out  when  you  go  to  meet  her  she  don't  squawk  ! " 

"  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  solemnly,  as  he  gazed 
at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  under  his  shaggy  eyebrows,  "this  is 
the  work  of  my  venomous  cub.  Now  I  think  of  it,  I've 
seen  the  young  brute  walking  the  street  with  a  chalk- 
faced  terror  with  one  eye.  Oldbiegh,  I  shall  call  him 
in  and  charge  it  upon  him."  The  Captain  rang  a  bell 
in  the  wall  and  when  the  servant  entered  said:  "Tell 
Master  Jack  to  come  here  at  once."  In  a  little  while 
Jack  came.  From  the  look  on  his  face,  it  was  evident 
that  he  expected  something.  "  Jack,"  said  the  Cap 
tain,  solemnly,  "do  you  know  Bella?" 

"What  Bella?"  asked  the  young  man,  coolly. 

"  Any  Bella,"  said  the  Captain,  sternly. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  the  son. 

"Do  you  know  anything  about  this  letter?"  said  the 
Captain,  handing  the  letter  to  him.  The  young  man 
took  the  letter  and  read  it  through  carefully. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  he ;  "  it  seems  to  be  written  to  you." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say,  sir,  that  that  letter  is  written 
to  me  ?  "  said  the  Captain,  more  sternly. 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  son. 

The  Captain  jumped  up  and  flourished  his  cane 
threateningly,  without  any  intention  of  striking  his 
son,  however. 

"  You    monstrous   young   rogue  !  "  said  he,  fiercely, 

as  he  hobbled  after  the  youth,  who  fled  precipitately 

through  the  hallway.     The  Captain  hobbled  rapidly  in 

his   wake,  but  in  a  few  moments  came  panting  back 

13 


210  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

with  a  grim  smile  on  his  long  face.  u  The  young  ras 
cal  knew  I  was  monstrously  amused  all  the  time," 
said  he.  The  Captain  was  not  aware  that  the  " young 
rascal "  was  at  that  instant  leaning  around  a  corner  in 
the  hall,  listening  to  what  he  said. 

"  Dinner !  "  called  the  silver  voice  of  the  pretty  Jose 
phine,  as  she  glanced  in  at  the  door. 

"  May  I  have  the  exquisite  pleasure  of  escorting  you 
to  the  dining-hall?"  said  Mr.  Glenn  on,  rising  suddenly 
and  dusting  some  cigar  ashes  from  his  coat  as  he  did  so. 

"  You  may,"  said  the  dark-eyed  young  lady  as  she 
took  his  arm. 

"Junius,"  said  the  Captain,  "take  my  arm.  Haw 
kins,  bring  up  the  rear." 

Mr.  Glennon  and  Miss  Josephine  walked  first,  then 
came  the  Captain  and  Mr  Oldbiegh  arm  in  arm,  and 
Major  Hawkins  followed.  As  they  passed  the  foot  of 
the  broad  oak  stairway,  which  came  from  the  upper 
floor  on  which  the  bed  chambers  were  situated,  several 
ladies,  coming  down  the  steps,  formed  in  line  after  them. 
When  they  reached  the  dining-room,  they  found  Mr. 
Quagg,  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs  and  several  of  the  chil 
dren  standing  already  at  their  places. 

"  Thomas,"  said  the  Captain  to  one  of  the  younger 
boys  after  the  company  were  seated,  "  did  you  wind 
that  clock  this  morning  ?  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  at  the  large  pendulum  clock  on 
the  wall  in  its  mahogany  case,  and  saw  that  the  weight 
was  hanging  down  to  the  bottom  of  the  case,  while 
the  hands  were  still. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  boy. 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  211 

"  What !  "  said  the  Captain,  staring  at  the  boy  fero 
ciously  ;  "  do  you  mean  to  say  the  weight  has  fallen  its 
whole  distance  in  one  day  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  boy,  while  every  one  at  the  table 
looked  steadily  at  him,  knowing  that  it  was  an  eight- 
day  clock. 

"  You  villainous  young  rogue  !  "  said  the  Captain  ; 
"do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  that  clock  has  been 
running  eight  times  as  fast  as  usual  to-day?  " 

u  Yes,  sir,"  said  Thomas.  Everybody  gazed  upon 
his  features  with  astonishment. 

"Go  and  wind  that  clock  at  once,  sir !"  said  his 
father. 

"  I  can't,"  said  the  boy,  beginning  to  whimper. 

"You  can't,  sir!  "  said  the  Captain,  jumping  up  and 
going  to  the  clock,  which,  after  getting  upon  a  chair, 
he  proceeded  to  wind.  He  wound  the  weight  all  the 
way  up  to  the  top.  The  hand  moved  an  inch  and  the 
weight  fell  all  the  way  down  again.  The  Captain 
wound  it  once  more,  with  the  same  result.  A  third 
time  he  wound  it.  The  black  hands  moved  forward  a 
short  distance  and  the  brass  weight  fell  to  the  bottom. 
"  This  is  the  most  astonishing  clock  upon  the  face  of 
the  globe ! '"  said  he,  with  surprise  in  every  feature. 
u  It  is  possessed  by  a  devil !  Its  actions  are  disrepu 
table  and  monstrous  !  "  On  looking  up  into  the  inside 
of  the  clock  he  discovered  that  the  works  were  gone. 
"  Who  did  this  ?  "  said  he,  glancing  around  at  the  table. 
"  Who  gutted  my  clock  ?  " 

"  I  know,"  said  Nellie,  the  youngest  child  ;  "  Joe  took 
them  out  to  make  a  steamboat ! " 


212  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

The  Captain  got  rapidly  down  from  his  chair,  but 
before  he  was  down  Joe  fled  precipitately  from  the  table. 
The  Captain  resumed  his  seat  and  before  long  the  con 
versation  became  general. 

"  Olclbiegh,"  said  the  Captain, "  take  some  rabbit  pie," 
and  the  Captain  helped  him  so  bountifully  that  there 
was  enough  on  his  plate  for  two  men.  "  Mr.  Muggs," 
said  he,  "  take  some  rabbit." 

"  Well-er,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  opening  his  mouth  widely, 
while  he  spoke  in  a  long,  drawling  tone,  "no-er,  thank 
you." 

"  What  do  you  think  of  the  scenery  around  here,  Mr. 
Muggs  ?  "  asked  Major  Hawkins. 

••  Vary  gude,"  said  Mr.  Muggs ;  "  it's  parsable  ! " 

"  I  saw  you  out  with  the  young  ladies." 

"  Certainly,  of  course,"  broke  in  the  Captain  ; 
"  Muggs  is  a  sly  boy  for  the  girls !  " 

"  Well,  yarse,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  with  a  very  long 
drawl,  "  I  certainly  am." 

"  What  do  you  find  most  attractive  in  the  scenery 
around  here  ?  "  asked  the  Major. 

"  The  little  burds,"  drawled  the  poet,  "and  the  ground 
squirrels ! " 

"Aren't  they  too  sweet?"  asked  Miss  Glennon. 

"They  are  too  swuite,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  looking 
languishing!  }>•  at  the  blue-eyed  Maud. 

The  leaden  eyes  of  Mr.  Glennon,  as  he  gazed  upon 
the  unruffled  countenance  of  the  poet,  had  in  them  a 
•fc  \vhat-on-earth-is-he  "  expression.  The  poet's  face  con 
tinued,  however,  unruffled  by  the  gaze. 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  213 

"Mr.  Muggs,  what  is  your  favorite  color?"  asked 
Miss  Deane. 

"  Rad,"  replied  the  poet.  "  All  that  is  beautiful  is 
rad,"  added  he,  drawling.  "The  sun,  which  is  the  carse 
of  the  existernse  of  all  beauty,  is  rad.  The  most  beau 
tiful  flawers  are  rad.  The  most  beautiful  hair  on  a 
young  lady's  head  is  rad.  A  blush  is  rad,  and  rad  is  the 
sunset  at  night." 

"  How  poetical  he  is  !  "  said  Miss  Glennon,  with  ad 
miration.  "  That  accounts  for  your  standing  bareheaded 
out  in  the  open  air  last  night,  with  a  dreamy  look  in 
your  eyes,"  continued  she. 

"  Yas,  and  the  sunset  was  rad.  I  was  wrapt  in 
dreams,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  with  a  dreamy  look. 

"What's  that?"  said  Mr.  Quagg,  suddenly  breaking 
in  and  holding  his  hand  up  to  his  ear.  "  You  like  it 
rare?" 

"  Yas,"  drawled  the  poet  in  reply,  in  a  tone  slightly 
tinged  with  contempt,  "  Yas,  I  like  a  sunset  rare,  Mr. 
Quagg,  I  do !  "  The  young  ladies  were  greatly  amused 
at  this  remark. 

"Oh!  ah!"  said  Mr.  Quagg,  "I  misunderstood  you." 

"Yas,"  said  the  other,  "it  was  evardunt;  but  yet  I 
think  I  speak  plain  Englush." 

"  Oh  !  certainly,"  said  the  red-headed  little  preacher. 
"  I  know  you  had  no  such  intention,  of  course." 

"  But  I  did,  Mr.  Quagg,  I  did,"  drawled  Mr.  J  udson 
C.  Muggs. 

Mr.  Quagg  turned  red  in  the  face. 

"You  did,  sir!"  said  he. 

"I  certainly  did,''  said  the  poet. 


214  A   LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  the  other,  "  it  was  very  strange 
conduct,  I  must  say." 

"  Oh  !  no,  it  was  not,"  replied  the  poet ;  Mr.  Quagg 
did  not  understand  him,  so  he  did  not  reply,  but  com 
menced  looking  abstractedly  at  his  plate,  while  his  face 
continued  red  during  the  rest  of  the  dinner. 

" Apple  dumplings!"  said  the  Captain,  as  a  great 
brown  crockery  bowl  with  steaming  apple  dumplings 
was  placed  before  him.  "  Gentlemen  and  ladies,"  added 
he,  "  fill  your  glasses  with  claret.  Claret  and  dumplings 
go  together  immensely  well.  Black  coffee  ?  "  asked  he, 
looking  up  at  the  pretty  maid  who  had  just  brought  in 
fifteen  or  twenty  cups  on  a  tray. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  girl,  quietly. 

"  You  have  travelled  a  good  deal,  Mr.  Muggs  ?  "  said 
Mrs.  Grunyon,  who  was  sitting  stiffly  erect  in  her  black 
silk  dress  at  the  foot  of  the  table. 

"  I  harve,"  said  Mr.  Muggs. 

"  I  understand  that  you  have  seen  a  good  deal  of  the 
lives  of  the  Indians  ?  " 

"  I  harve,"  was  the  reply. 

"  What  struck  you  most  in  regard  to  their  method  of 
living?" 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  "  their  method  of  burial. 
That  strark  me  most.  It  is  poetical.  The  dad  Ingin 
is  placed  on  the  top  of  a  simple  platform  in  the  open  air, 
and  left  there  with  the  rad  sun  and  clouds  overhead  in 
the  daytime  and  the  stars  and  moon  overhead  at  night. 
It  is  touching  and  pathetic  and  has  the  assence  of  the 
beautiful.  I  wept  over  the  dad  Ingin  when  I  first  saw 
it,"  drawled  Mr.  Muggs. 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  215 

Captain  Grunyon  had  ceased  talking  to  Major  Haw 
kins  and  was  listening. 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  you  blubbered  over  the  dead 
Siwash  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Certainly  ;  why  not  ?  I  felt  the  assence  of  the  beau 
tiful,"  said  Mr.  Muggs. 

"I  should  think  the  blackbirds  would  eat  up  the 
corpse  !  "  said  the  Captain. 

"Yas,  they  do,"  said  Mr.  Muggs. 

"And  you  think  it  a  beautiful  burial,  when  a  man  is 
everlastingly  carried  over  the  face  of  the  globe  in  the 
stomachs  of  a  flock  of  blackbirds?"  asked  the  Captain. 

"  Yas,"  drawled  the  poet. 

"  What  sort  of  an  appearance  do  you  expect  a  man  to 
make  on  the  day  of  judgment,"  said  the  Captain,  "if  he 
comes  up  in  the  shape  of  a  flock  of  blackbirds  ?  It's 
monstrous !  "  The  poet  smiled  a  silly  smile,  but  did  not 
reply.  "  No,  sir,"  continued  the  Captain,  "  if  I've  got 
to  appear  there  in  the  shape  of  four  thousand  chirrup 
ing  blackbirds,  I  won't  go.  I'll  stay  at  home — wherever 
that  is.  Yes,  sir  !  " 

"  Captain !  "  said  Mrs.  Grunyon. 

"  Madam,"  replied  the  Captain. 

"  Remember  yourself,"  said  his  wife. 

"  Yes,  Madam,  certainly  I'll  remember  myself." 

It  was  growing  late  when  they  adjourned  from  the 
table,  and  after  the  Captain  and  the  gentlemen  had 
smoked  their  after-dinner  cigars,  all  met  in  the  large 
drawing-room.  Mrs.  Grunyon,  who  was  given  to  econ 
omy  and  was  a  skillful  housewife,  had  lighted  but  two 
of  the  gas-jets  in  the  brass  chandelier  in  the  center  of 


216  A    LITERARY    ENTKRTAINMENT. 

the  apartment.  The  Captain  hobbled  to  the  center  of 
the  room,  struck  a  match  and  lighted  ten  of  the  jets. 
The  triangular-shaped  glass  pieces  which  hung  from 
the  chandelier  sparkled  brilliantly  in  the  light.  On  the 
wall  over  the  large  wooden  mantel  hung  a  picture  of  a 
tropical  scene,  in  a  soft,  hazy  atmosphere,  by  Bush,  and 
on  the  wall  at  the  end  of  the  room,  over  the  piano  was 
the  picture  of  a  shipwreck  by  Denny.  Hanging  over 
the  black  horsehair  lounge,  at  the  side  of  the  room  and 
near  the  doorway  which  opened  into  the  hall,  was  the 
picture  of  a  hunting  scene,  and  the  central  figure  of  the 
scene  was  the  Captain,  surrounded  by  five  setter  dogs, 
while  he  held  his  shot-gun  at  his  side,  the  muzzle  slant 
ing  upwards,  ready  for  the  first  game  that  appeared. 
The  Captain  pointed  out  this  picture  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  commented  on  its  beauties,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  pro 
fessed  to  have  great  admiration  for  the  picture  as  a 
work  of  art. 

It  was  a  sultry  evening  and  the  sashes  in  the  bay- 
window  were  up,  and  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs  was  sitting 
behind  the  white  lace  curtains  with  Miss  Glennon.  It 
was  not  long  before  all  were  engaged  in  conversation 
and  the  merry  laugh  was  heard  in  different  parts  of 
the  room.  The  Captain  was  sitting  in  a  large  arm 
chair  with  red  cushions,  by  the  mantelpiece,  and  with 
his  elbow  resting  on  the  arm  of  the  chair  was  listen 
ing  intently  to  an  anecdote  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who 
sat  in  a  chair  beside  him,  was  relating  of  their  school 
days.  It  was  not  long  before  the  remarks  of  Mr.  Old 
biegh  were  interrupted  by  the  young  ladies,  who  were 
heard  urging  the  poet  to  read  a  poem. 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  217 

"  Certainty,"  said  the  Captain,  "by  all  means  read  it." 

"  Whart  shahl  it  be  ?     On  whart  subject  ?  " 

"  What  is  your  favorite  subject  ? "  asked  Miss 
Glennon. 

"I  have  poems,"  drawled  the  gentleman,  as  he  ran 
his  fingers  through  his  long  hair,  "  on  several  subjects. 
My  favorite  one,  however,  is  the  little  burds." 

"  Oh !  give  us  the  poem  on  that  subject ! "  said  one 
of  the  young  ladies  in  the  corner,  clapping  her  hands ; 
"  giye  us  that !  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain  ;  "  bang  away  at  the 
birds ! " 

Mr.  Muggs  rose  slowly,  and  with  a  sedate  tread 
walked  to  the  center  of  the  room.  After  carefully 
lifting  the  hair  out  of  the  back  of  his  neck,  tugging  at 
his  collar,  with  his  forefinger,  to  make  it  more  com 
fortable,  and  buttoning  his  brown  coat  across  his 
breast,  he  cast  up  his  eyes  and  surveyed  his  audience. 

"  I  shall  read,"  he  said,  slowly,  "  a  story  entitled  '  A 
Legend  of  the  Columbia.' '  Then,  with  a  far-away 
look  in  his  eyes,  he  gazed  at  the  opposite  wall  for  some 
moments,  when  he  read  as  follows : 

"A  LEGEND  OP  THE  COLUMBIA. 

4  When  the  little  town  of  Astoria,  which  lies  beneath 
the  hills  on  the  left  shore  of  the  Columbia,  was  in  its' 
infancy,  it  was  even  more  picturesque  than  at  the 
present  day.  It  was  situated  on  a  rising  ground,  and 
close  to  the  water's  edge.  The  tall  firs,  hemlock  and 
spruce  trees  that  surrounded  the  village  protected  it 
from  the  tempests  of  winter..  Seven  miles  across  the 


218  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

blue  water  of  the  Columbia  were  to  be  seen  the  tree- 
capped  hills  of  what  is  now  the  Washington  Territory 
shore. 

"  The  part  of  this  little  town,  which  was  formerly 
called  by  its  eight  or  ten  inhabitants  the  'Lower 
Town,'  was  originally  a  trading  post  of  the  Hudson 
Bay  Company,  and  was  first  known  by  the  name  of 
Fort  George.  Here,  thousands  of  miles  from  the  civ 
ilized  world,  with  the  silence  of  a  vast  forest  to  the 
right  of  them,  and  behind  them ;  the  silence  and 
deeper  solitude  of  a  mighty  hill  to  the  left ;  with  the 
silence  of  a  grand  river  in  front  of  them ; — here,  all 
alone,  lived  a  few  waifs  from  the  great  living  world. 

"  As  may  be  well  imagined,  these  beings  who  had 
wandered  far  away  to  this  western  world  belonged  to 
a  class  who  might  be  said  to  consist  of  the  curiosities  of 
humanity.  Trappers,  men  who  had  escaped  from  jus 
tice,  men  embittered  by  the  strange  chances  and  mis 
fortunes  of  life; — such  men  formed  this  community. 
Amongst  the  last  class  was  a  curious  old  lawyer,  a 
man  possessed  of  profound  ability.  He  had  been 
brought  up  at  the  Inns  of  London. 

"  He  had  striven  for  many  years  in  that  great  city, 
feeling,  knowing  his  ability.  In  his  attempts  to  obtain 
a  foothold  he  had  battled  against  poverty  and  misfor 
tune  and  had  felt  the  pangs  of  that  4hope  deferred 
which  maketh  the  heart  sick  ; '  but  the  rushing  stream 
of  misfortune  was  too  powerful  for  him  with  its 
terrible  tide,  and  he  lost  his  hold  upon  the  world.  He 
sought  the  peace  and  solitude  of  the  great  forest. 
This  last  gentleman  was  the  oracle  of  the  little  town, 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  219 

and  many  a  lecture  did  he  give  to  his  audience  there 
assembled,  as  he  sat  before  the  great  stove  in  the 
Hudson  Bay  store  and  puffed  the  gray  tobacco  smoke 
from  his  meerschaum  pipe  in  clouds  above  him  ;  for  it 
was  around  this  stove  that  the  whole  town  assembled 
whenever  it  rained,  which  happened  at  that  time  nearly 
every  day  in  the  year.  Around  this  great  stove  in  the , 
old  log  store,  this  whole  town  on  these  numerous  occa 
sions  chewed  tobacco,  smoked  tobacco,  and  told  hide 
ous  yarns.  And  all  the  while  the  Columbia,  with  the 
rain  ever  falling  upon  its  smooth  surface,  rolled  on  in 
grim  silence  to  the  ocean.  When  such  a  strange  event 
as  the  appearance  of  a  white  sail  on  the  ocean  hap 
pened,  the  quiet  little  community  would  be  thrown 
into  a  state  of  enormous  excitement.  Then  would 
the  members  of  the  community  lay  down  their  tobacco 
pipes ;  their  quids  would  be  cast  aside ;  the  people 
would  put  on  their  rubber  boots,  their  oilskin  hats 
and  coats;  and  the  whole  community,  followed  by  the 
sheep,  cows  and  dogs  of  the  village,  would  go  down 
to  the  beach;  the  great  life-boat  that  belonged  to  the 
company  would  be  manned  and  the  crew  would  pre 
pare  to  pilot  the  ship  into  port.  But  such  an  occasion 
as  this  occurred  only  at  very  long  intervals,  indeed. 

"  There  were  Indians  there  in  those  days,  but  not 
one  is  left  to  tell  of  the  race  that  is  gone.  They  were 
a  quiet,  peaceable,  idle  race.  The}'  lived  chiefly  by 
salmon  fishing  and  were  not  of  a  warlike  disposition. 

"  The  little  town  of  Astoria  had  been  sleeping  in 
this  quiet  manner  which  we  have  described,  disturbed 
only  by  the  cry  of  the  panther  and  the  howl  of  the 


220  A    LITKRARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

wolf,  when  a  great  commotion  was  caused  by  the  re 
port  that  there  was  to  be  an  increase  in  the  population. 
A  young  clerk  was  to  be  sent  out  from  England. 
The  sale  of  blankets  to  the  Indians  had  increased  of 
late,  and  the  company  had  come  to  the  conclusion  that 
an  additional  clerk  was  necessary.  An  old  trapper  had 
been  seen  coming  around  'Tongue  Point'  in  a  canoe 
one  day,  and  he  had  brought  the  news  from  another 
station,  placed  by  the  same  company  far  up  the  Colum 
bia.  For  many  days  the  community  smoked  more  vio 
lently,  as  they  discussed  the  news  around  the  great 
stove  in  the  old  low-roofed  store.  One  day  a  sail  was 
seen  beyond  4Sand  Island,'  and  at  about  four  o'clock 
in  the  afternoon  the  ship  anchored  in  front  of  the  town, 
and  the  new  clerk  was  rowed  ashore. 

"It  was  not  long  before  the  town  became  aware  of 
the  fact  that  this  gentleman  had  been  married  to  a 
lovely  English  girl  the  day  before  he  quitted  England. 
He  had  left  his  young  wife  in  England,~and  had  come 
to  this  far  land  to  work  for  the  company  for  a  few 
years,  until  he  had  saved  money  enough  to  go  home 
and  live  with  his  wife  in  ease.  It  was  a  hard  trial  to 
him,  and  a  hard  trial  to  his  young  wife,  but  poverty 
was  his  spur.  He  had  thought  first  of  delaying  the 
day  of  marriage  until  his  return,  but  this  had  already 
been  delayed,  and  both  were  too  deeply  in  love  to 
reason.  Instead  of  reasoning  they  got  married.  A 
few  hours  of  exquisite  bliss  and  they  parted. 

"  The  white  sails  of  the  vessel  which  had  brought 
the  young  husband  to  Astoria  were  spread,  and  slewed 
around  to  catch  the  wind ;  the  ship  sailed  away  on  her 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  221 

homeward  voyage.  The  citizens  watched  the  sails 
until  they  became  a  white  speck  on  the  ocean  and  were 
nndistinguishable  from  the  distant  clouds. 

"  The  new  member  soon  settled  down,  and  grew  like 
the  rest  of  the  community,  and  it  was  not  long  before 
he  acquired  those  habits  which  were  common  to  all. 
At  first  he  was  the  principal  speaker  at  the  old  store, 
and  would  describe  to  the  little  band  of  listeners  the 
great  and  busy  world  so  far  away.  Even  the  dogs  of 
the  village  would  sit  on  their  haunches  and  gaze  up 
into  his  face  with  a  look  of  seeming  interest  as  he  spoke. 
One  time  he  told  of  the  sweet,  gentle  wife  he  had  left 
behind  him,  and  as  he  described  her  in  glowing  terms 
his  listeners  leaned  forward,  with  their  elbows  on  their 
knees,  and  one  old  pilot  took  off  his  hat  and  laid  it  on 
the  floor  as  the  young  man  described  the  lovely  face 
like  that  of  an  angel,  and  spoke  of  the  golden  hair 
and  the  eyes  like  the  blue  of  heaven.  But  after  a 
while  a  deep  melancholy  took  possession  of  him,  and 
lie  hardly  spoke  to  the  rest.  He  was  often  seen  to  wan 
der  up  and  down  the  beach  in  the  evening  after  the 
day's  work  was  done.  He  became  the  subject  of  conver 
sation,  and  the  villagers  all  solemnly  agreed,  and  espe 
cially  did  the  old  lawyer  conclude,  that  he  was  out  of 
his  element,  that  that  was  no  place  for  him.  Still  the 
days  dragged  by  and  the  rain  came  drearily  down  ;  still 
the  Indians  in  their  canoes  paddled  their  way  over  the 
smooth  surface  of  the  river,  and  still  the  river  carried 
Old  Time  in  his  invisible  boat  down  to  the  ocean. 

"  One  day  an  Indian  came  into  the  store  and  in 
formed  the  people  there  that  a  big  canoe  was  on  the 


222  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

ocean.  They  went  out  and,  sure  enough,  on  the  far 
horizon,  and  a  c  little  to  port  of  Sand  Island,'  as  a  rough 
old  sailor  expressed  it,  was  a  sail.  The  sail  moved 
across  the  mouth  of  the  river,  and  many  were  the  con 
jectures  as  to  whether  the  vessel  would  come  into  the 
river  or  not.  At  last  the  question  was  settled  when 
the  vessel  rounded  the  north  end  of  the  sand  spit  on 
the  bar.  In  two  hours  the  ship,  with  all  sails  set, 
passed  within  a  quarter  of  a  mile  of  the  town  and  went 
on  up  the  river.  She  was  a  beautiful  clipper  packet — 
one  of  the  splendid  line  of  packets  that  sailed  between 
New  York  and  France  sixty  years  ago,  one  of  those 
vessels  that  were  fitted  up  like  palaces,  that  were  built 
of  oak  and  pine,  and  were  fastened  with  copper  bolts. 
This  was  the  '  Silvia  de  Gras,'  and  she  had  a  majestic 
appearance  as  she  moved  with  all  sails  set  onward  up 
the  Columbia.  Every  spy-glass  in  the  town  was  lev 
elled  at  the  vessel  as  she  glided  onward.  A  lady  on 
the  poop-deck  was  waving  a  handkerchief,  and  a  spy 
glass  showed  the  young  clerk  that  this  was  the  wife 
he  had  left  in  old  England.  The  day  had  been  a  bright 
one,  and  the  sun  was  sinking  at  the  mouth  of  the  river 
through  a  sky  of  golden  clouds.  The  young  husband 
got  into  the  life-boat  with  four  companions  and  rowed 
up  the  river  after  the  vessel.  The  sun  sank,  and  the 
clouds  of  gold  in  the  west  took  a  crimson  hue. 

"  It  was  suddenly  noticed  that  the  vessel  had  stopped. 
She  had  struck  upon  a  hidden  rock.  She  remained  in 
the  same  position  without  moving.  The  boat  reached 
her,  and  the  young  husband  seized  a  rope  that  was 
hanging  from  her  bow  in  order  to  keep  the  boat  in 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  223 

position.     The  ebb   tide  was  rushing  rapidly  around 
the  ship,  forming  whirlpools  in  its  course. 

"  During  the  trip  from  England  the  young  wife  had 
had  a  constant  presentiment  she  would  find  her  hus 
band  was  dead.  She  had  never  heard  from  him,  and 
this  had  induced  her  to  start  in  search  of  him,  and 
now,  after  a  dreary  sea  voyage  which  had  lasted  thir 
teen  months,  she,  with  inexpressible  joy,  saw  his  face 
again.  The  young  man,  while  holding  his  boat  in  posi 
tion,  was  looking  up  into  her  face,  and  had  just  com 
menced  to  speak  to  her  when  the  tide,  coming  around 
the  bow  of  the  ship,  caused  the  boat  to  lurch  to  one 
side  and  he  was  thrown  into  the  river.  He  lost  his 
hold  upon  the  rope  and  was  carried  down  with  the  tide. 
One  shriek  from  the  young  wife  and  she  fell  insensible 
to  the  deck.  The  husband  rose  to  the  surface,  sank, 
rose  again,  and  yet  a  third  time,  and  was  then  lost  to 
sight.  The  young  wife  was  taken  ashore  in  an  uncon 
scious  condition.  Some  men  living  in  a  log  cabin  left 
it  and  gave  it  up  to  her.  An  old  Indian  woman,  who 
had  worked  for  some  of  the  officers  of  the  company, 
attended  her  during  her  sickness,  which  lasted  two 
weeks.  Day  after  day  the  rough  inhabitants  of  the 
town  would  come  stealthily  to  the  old  cabin,  lay  their 
hats  on  the  ground  and  wait  silently  until  the  old  In 
dian  woman  happened  to  come  to  the  door,  when  she 
would  tell  them  how  the  young  wife  was.  They  would 
go  away  then,  shaking  their  heads  mournfully  as  they 
went.  During  most  of  the  time  the  sufferer  was  deliri 
ous.  The  long  continued  anxiety,"  followed  by  the 
unexpected  sight  of  the  one  she  loved,  and  that  fol- 


224  A    LITERARY    KNTKRTAINMKNT. 

lowed  in  turn  by  his  death  at  the  moment  of  her 
greatest  happiness,  had  been  more  than  her  gentle 
nature  could  stand.  In  her  delirium,  so  the  oldest 
inhabitants  say,  she  seemed  to  think  that  she  was  on 
an  island  in  the  middle  of  the  ocean,  and  that  her  hus 
band  was  being  torn  from  her  arms  by  savages,  who 
intended  to  murder  him.  But  death  cast  his  soft  mantle 
of  eternal  sleep  over  the  poor  wear}r  form  at  last,  for 
one  evening,  as  the  sun  was  sinking  through  the  sky  of 
fire  that  hung  over  the  mouth  of  the  great  river,  a  ray 
of  light  coming  through  the  old  log  cabin,  a  ray  which 
had  been  resting  on  the  poor  weary  face,  and  playing 
amid  the  hair  of  gold,  grew  dim  and  more  dim  until  it 
had  gone  and  the  night  had  come,  and  to  her  it  was 
the  night  of  death.  The  pretty  eyes,  blue  as  the  blue 
light  of  heaven,  had  lost  their  look  of  weariness  and 
sorrow  forever.  There  was  no  more  suffering,  no  more 
pain,  for  she  was  dead. 

"  The  next  morning  the  body  of  the  young  husband 
drifted  upon  the  beach.  Preparations  were  made  for 
the  funeral.  Two  canoes  were  brought  side  by  side, 
and  boards  were  placed  between  them,  forming  a  plat 
form.  On  this  the  community  spread  green  boughs. 
The  carpenter  of  the  packet  ship  made  two  pine  coffins. 
The  remains  of  the  young  couple  were  placed  in  them 
and  they  rested  side  by  side  upon  the  platform.  This 
was  taken  in  tow  by  the  life-boat,  and  the  inhabitants 
of  the  town  took  canoes,  and  the  ship's  company  their 
boats,  and  this  little  fleet  rowed  slowly  and  silently 
around  'Smith's  Point'  and  up  Young's  River.  A 
number  of  Indians  in  their  canoes  followed  grimly  and 


A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT.  225 

silently  in  the  rear.  Near  a  narrow  gorge  beside  the 
river,  beneath  the  shadow  of  tall  fir  trees,  was  found  a 
little  green  spot,  and  here  a  grave  was  dug.  The  oldest 
man  in  the  community  read  the  burial  service,  and  the 
unfortunate  young  pair  were  lowered  into  their  eternal 
res  ting-place. 

"  The  hull  of  the  old  '  Silvia  de  Gras '  withstood  the 
shocks  of  the  wind  and  weather  for  many  years.  It  is 
said  that  people  sailing  by  the  old  ship  at  midnight  in 
their  boats  have  heard  the  despairing  cry  of  the  young 
wife,  and  that  on  moonlight  nights  the  sailors  have 
been  seen  pulling  at  the  ropes  of  the  vessel.  But  these 
mysterious  visitors  are  to  be  seen  no  more,  for  the  noble 
vessel  has  at  last  given  up  the  battle  with  Time.  A 
few  years  ago  the  last  remnants  of  the  c  Silvia  de  Gras  ' 
were  carried  away  by  the  dark,  rushing  tide  of  the 
river." 

When  Mr.  Muggs  ceased  reading,  many  were  the 
comments  on  the  story  by  the  young  ladies.  Some  of 
them  thought  it  was  "  too  sweet,"  and  others  thought 
it  was  "  so  nice." 

"What  do  you  think  of  it,  Mr.  Oldbiegh?"  asked 
Josephine,  who  came  and  drew  up  a  chair  by  the  side 
of  that  gentleman. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "it's  pretty  good,  be 
cause  it's  natch'ral.  It's  true  to  nature  and  that  'ar's 
a  good  sign." 

"  All  that  I  ever  wrote,"  said  Mr.  Muggs,  "of  any 
kind,  I  wrote  before  I  was  twenty.  Since  then  my 
14 


226  A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT. 

muse  has  been  dumb.     For  a  time  I  have  ceased  to 
sing." 

"Do  you  sing  it  out  when  you  write?"  asked  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"I  think,"  said  Mr.  Quagg  at  this  moment,  "  that  the 
poem  is  full  of  sentiment,  and  quite  touching ;  but  I 
don't  understand  how  the  fight  terminated." 

"No,  sir,"  drawled  the  poet,  "I  don't  think  you  do, 
for  the  simple  reason  that  the  fight  never  commenced." 

"  Oh !  oh !  "  said  Mr.  Quagg,  "  I  did  not  understand. 
I  thought  it  was  a  battle  in  the  clouds,  fought  by  two 
fiends  for  a  lady  who  was  dead." 

"No,  sir,"  said  the  poet,  with  contempt.  "I  don't 
usually  go  to  the  infernal  regions  for  my  characters  !  " 

"  Oh!  oh  !  "  said  Mr.  Quagg,  his  face  becoming  as  red 
as  the  top  of  his  head,  while  he  gazed  steadily  at  one 
of  the  figures  of  the  carpet  on  the  floor. 

"  Never  mind,"  said  the  Captain,  whose  kind  heart 
was  touched  by  his  embarrassment,  "  we'll  hear  from 
Mr.  Quagg  now.  He's  considerable  of  a  writer,  and 
I'll  take  my  oath  he's  got  a  story  stowed  away  in  his 
left  coat-tail." 

Mr.  Quagg  seemed  to  understand  what  was  said,  and 
without  a  word  he  drew  forth  some  yellow,  time-stained 
manuscript  from  his  inside  breast-pocket,  and  read  as 
follows : 

"A  TALE   OF   MISERY. 

"  That  the  world  is  filled  with  misery  we  all  know. 
It  is  around  us  and  about  us  at  all  times.  We  do  not 
have  to  go  back  'to  the  dark  ages,  to  the  time  of  the 
Inquisition,  to  the  time  of  the  serf  and  the  plumed 


A    LITERARY    ENTEKTATTSTMKNT.  227 

knight,  to  find  slavery  and  oppression  and  tyranny.  In 
this  land  of  freectom  to-day,  we  hear  the  cries  of  the 
poor  who  are  the  slaves  of  the  rich.  While  ladies 
dressed  in  silks  and  satins  walk  through  the  halls  of 
glittering  palaces,  their  sister  woman  lies  cold,  shiver 
ing  and  starving  in  the  broken-down  tenements  of  our 
great  cities.  Men  go  footsore  and  weary  over  the 
broad  acres  of  moneyed  men,  listening  to  the  weari 
some  click  of  those  engines  which  deprive  them  of 
work.  And  when  they  do  receive  work,  how  humbly 
is  it  received ! 

"  The  one  man  is  the  abject  slave  of  the  other.  He 
dares  not  to  speak  his  thoughts,  and  on  his  features  he 
dares  to  carry  no  look  but  one  of  humility,  for  fear  his 
children  will  be  deprived  of  the  scanty  bread  that  they 
eat.  For  bread  he  is  a  slave  to  the  other,  and  the  rich 
man  owns  him,  body  and  soul.  Listen  !— r-Can  you  hear 
the  laugh  of  the  rich  ?  Can  you  hear  the  cries  of  the 
oppressed?  Let  your  ears  become  as  keen  as  mine  and 
you  will  hear  them  borne  on  the  night  wind,  and  you 
will  hear  them  in  the  breeze  of  the  morning. 

"But  to  my  tale.  A  number  of  years  ago  I  was  the 
minister  in  a  small  church  in  San  Francisco.  I  was  a 
young  man  then,  and  this  was  early  in  my  career  as  a 
minister  of  the  Gospel.  With  my  young  wife  I  lived 
in  a  little  cottage,  not  far  from  what  was  then  the 
center  of  the  city.  I  was  ambitious  and  a  hard  student 
in  those  days,  and  I  was  often  kept  in  my  study  until 
a  late  hour  of  the  night ;  and  when  I  started  for  home, 
my  journey  was  through  one  of  the  worst  portions  of 
the  city ;  and  my  heart  was  often  filled  with  pity  for 


228  A    LITERARY 

the  poor,  wretched,  degraded  creatures  I  met  on  my 
way.  I  felt  compassion  for  their  weary  faces,  sunken 
cheeks  and  hollow  eyes.  And  yet  as  the  gaslight  fell 
on  their  faces  a  shudder  came  over  me,  for  they  were 
my  fellow  men  and  women,  formed  in  the  likeness  of 
that  mighty  being  who  created  the  universe  ;  they  were 
human  beings, — human  like  myself.  Like  me  they 
could  feel  sorrow,  love,  affection,  and  yet  how  low  had 
they  fallen.  Each  one  had  a  past ;  and  what  a  history 
was  hidden  behind  those  pale  and  weary  faces  !  I  used 
to  look  at  them  down  in  the  dives,  from  which  streamed 
a  flood  of  light,  and  I  listened  to  the  sounds  of  music 
and  revelry  that  came  from  those  many  homes  of  vice ; 
and  the  strains  of  the  fiddle  and  clarionet  and  the  beat 
of  the  piano  seemed  to  my  ear  to  be  playing  a  march 
to  destruction  and  death. 

"  One  night,  as  I  passed  a  dark  place  on  the  street,  I 
saw  the  figure  of  a  woman  leaning  against  the  stone 
wall  of  a  building.  She  was  weeping,  so  I  stopped 
and  went  up  to  her.  I  found  that  she  was  young, 
about  sixteen  or  seventeen  years  of  age.  I  asked  her 
what  was  the  matter,  but  she  did  not  answer.  I  took 
her  tenderly  by  the  arm  and  led  her  with  me.  The 
light  falling  through  the  shutters  of  a  house  that  we 
passed  showed  me  that  her  face  was  one  of  surpassing 
loveliness ;  and  as  she  looked  up  at  me  I  saw  that  she 
had  a  soft,  gentle,  dark  eye.  In  a  moment  she  stopped 
and  leaned  against  the  wall  again,  and  put  her  hands 
up  to  her  face  and  sobbed  violently.  I  asked  her  as 
gently  as  I  could,  what  was  the  matter. 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  229 

" 4  Oh  !  my  God  ! '  said  she,  c  if  I  were  only  home  ! 
home!  home  !  ' 

"  '  Why  don't  you  go  home  ?  '  I  asked. 

"  *  Too  late  !  too  late  ! '  was  the  reply.  4 1  can  never, 
never  go  home  again  !  I  am  lost !  lost ! '  and  then  she 
burst  into  sobs. 

k'  I  pat  my  hand  tenderly  on  her  shoulder,  and  in  a 
little  while  she  was  silent.  She  looked  up  and  for 
some  moments  gazed  steadily  across  the  street.  I  did 
not  break  the  silence.  She  seemed  to  be  listening  to 
something.  There  was  a  sound  of  loud  laughter  in  a 
house  not  far  away,  and  some  one  was  playing  a  rapid 
piece  of  music  on  a  piano.  I  looked  at  the  young  girl's 
gentle  and  beautiful  face  long  and  earnestly. 

"'Do  you  know  what  the  sound  of  that  music  says 
to  me?'  she  asked,  with  a  shudder.  'It  tells  me  that 
all  is  lost.  It  is  the  funeral  dirge  to  all  my  hopes. 
They're  all  dead  and  that's  the  music  over  their  grave  ! 
It  says  that  forever  for  me  my  father  is  dead,  my 
mother  is  dead,  and  my  sweet  little  brother  is  dead.  I 
w.ill  never  see  them  again.  It  tells  me  that  I  am  an 
outcast,  wretched,  miserable !  Say,  wouldn't  it  be  a 
mercy  in  God  to  kill  me  ? ' 

"  It  was  pitiable  to  hear  her. 

"  I  learned  that  but  a  few  weeks  before  she  had 
graduated  at  a  female  seminary  and  gone  home,  to  the 
home  of  her  childhood  in  one  of  the  Southern  States. 
A  woman  who  had  lived  several  years  in  the  neighbor 
hood  of  her  home,  and  with  whom  her  parents  had 
supposed  they  were  well  acquainted,  had  said  that  she 
was  going  on  a  short  visit  to  California,  and  suggested 


230  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

that  it  would  be  a  good  idea  for  them  to  let  their 
daughter  go  along  with  her.  They  had  consented,  and 
the  young  girl  had  gone.  She  learned  the  character  of 
her  companion  too  late.  She  was  robbed  of  her  money 
and  left  in  a  strange  city  friendless.  Knowing  nothing 
of  business,  she  had  gone  from  office  to  office  seeking 
employment,  to  learn  the  terms  on  which  men  assist  a 
helpless  and  defenseless  woman.  And  then,  when  she 
was  desperate,  her  former  companion  came  back  to 
tempt  her.  Had  the  young  girl  been  a  better  woman 
than  she  was,  she  would,  perhaps,  have  been  found 
floating  in  the  bay.  As  it  was,  she  had  given  way  to 
the  tempter.  Men  of  the  world  will  laugh  at  this  story, 
and  say  that  it  could  not  be.  Men  of  the  world  find 
it  easy  to  laugh.  I  looked  at  the  delicate  and  beautiful 
form  and  at  the  pretty  face,  and  I  said  :  4  Is  this  glori 
ous  piece  of  God's  work  to  be  destroyed,  lost?'  I 
argued  with  her  and  tried  to  fill  her  with  a  gleam  of 
hope.  Late  in  the  night  I  left  her,  and  she  promised 
to  write  home  again.  She  had  already  written  once, 
but  her  father,  who  was  a  stern  man,  had  not  answered 
her. 

"  The  next  day  I  was  walking  along  the  street  with  a 
friend,  when  she  passed  me  rapidly  in  the  crowd.  She 
had  a  bundle  under  her  arm,  and  when  I  caught  her 
eye  there  was  a  look  on  her  face  which  showed  that 
she  had  complied  with  my  request.  As  soon  as  I  could 
get  away  from  my  friend,  I  followed  her,  but  I  could 
not  catch  sight  of  her  again.  About  three  weeks  after 
this  I  met  her  once  more  in  the  place  where  I  had  first 
encountered  her.  I  spoke  to  her,  and  on  inquiring  if 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  231 

she  had  heard  from  home,  she  showed  me  a  letter  which 
her  father  had  written  to  her.  I  read  it  by  the  light  of 
a  street  lamp.  Oh!  but  it  was  cruel!  A  cruel  and 
harsh  letter  to  come  from  a  Christian  father  to  a  child 
who  was  praying  for  forgiveness,  and  whose  whole 
hope  in  life  depended  upon  his  answer.  It  was  full  of 
harsh  condemnation,  and  wound  up  with  the  wish  that 
he  should  never  see  her  face  again.  The  dark  eyes  of 
the  girl  were  fixed  on  my  face  when  I  looked  up  from 
the  letter.  4  That  ends  it !  All  is  over  now  ! '  she  said 
with  compressed  lips.  They  were  the  last  words  I  ever 
heard  her  speak.  A  moment  after  she  had  gone  into  a 
neighboring  house. 

"  I  was  about  to  turn  away,  my  mind  filled  with 
melancholy  thoughts,  when  I  heard  the  startling  report 
of  a  pistol  in  the  house  she  had  entered.  I  rushed  to 
the  place,  and  learned  that  one  of  two  men  who  were 
quarreling  had  fired  the  shot.  As  usual,  it  was  an 
innocent  person  who  was  injured,  and  this  time  it 
proved  to  be  the  young  girl  who  had  just  left  me.  She 
was  shot  in  the  breast,  and  the  blood  from  the  wound 
poured  out  so  rapidly  that  a  small  pool  was  already  on 
the  carpet  by  her  side.  I  saw  that  she  would  be  dead 
in  a  few  moments.  She  motioned  the  others  away.  I 
went  up  to  her  and  leaned  over  her,  and  when  I  took 
her  hand  a  faint  smile  came  across  her  face.  What  a 
pity  that  I  was  the  only  one  to  take  that  hand  in  such 
an  hour !  She  looked  in  my  face  with  a  longing  look. 
She  looked  steadily  in  my  face,  as  if  she  wanted  to 
speak ;  but  it  was  too  late,  for  in  an  instant  she  was 
dead.  The  room  was  perfectly  silent.  The  two  men 


232  A   LITK.RARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

who  had  caused  her  death  had  gone  out  on  the  street. 
But  the  sounds  of  music  and  the  harsh  laughter  in  the 
neighboring  houses  still  were  heard.  I  looked  at  the 
painted  women  standing  around  her,  and  then  I  looked 
at  the  white,  rigid  face  ;  and  I  thought  of  what  might 
have  been.  I  looked  at  the  white  lips  that  would  never 
speak  again  ;  and  I  thought  of.  her  father's  harsh  words. 
But  the  heart  that  was  breaking  then  had  ceased  to 
beat,  and  it  was  too  late  now  to  speak  the  one  word 
that  would  have  saved  her.  I  looked  at  the  dark  eyes, 
so  expressionless  now;  there  would  be  tears  in  them 
no  more.  As  I  gazed  sadly  at  her,  I  thought  it  was  a 
pity  that  so  much  youth  and  so  much  beauty  were  lost, 
were  dead.  Lost  for  the  want  of  one  kind  word !  For 
the  want  of  one  kind  word  from  her  father,  from  her 
mother  at  home,  there  she  lay ! 

"  Ah !  how  many  of  the  gentlest  hearts  are  broken 
for  the  want  of  that  one  kind  word.  Those  who  might 
have  been  the  best  are  those  who  are  lost  through  its 
absence.  So  it  has  always  been,  and  so  it  will  be  again 
long  after  we  all  lie  down  in  the  grave  and  moulder 
to  dust." 

There  were  several  moments  of  silence  after  the 
little  red-headed  gentleman  had  finished  reading  his 
MS,  and  had  resumed  his  seat.  Finally,  with  a  lofty 
wave  of  his  hand,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  broke  the  silence,  and 
said : 

"  That  'ar',  though  it  ain't  wrote  for  a  reg'lar  piece 
of  poetry  to  be  printed  in  a  gilt-edged  poetry  book 
full  of  pictures,  and  though  it  ain't  wrote  for  a  reg'lar 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  233 

story  to  be  printed  nowhar',  is  better  than  them.  It 
touches  a  man's  heart  arter  all  'till  he's  ready  to  boo- 
hoo  like  a  darned  booby  for  the  sweet  little  critter 
what  got  killed  !  It's  the  truth,  and  I'm  ready  to  swar' 
to  it  with  one  hand  held  up  and  the  other  planked 
down  on  the  Bible  !  Bobbed  ef  I  don't !  Beg  pardon 
for  that  'ar  swar' ; — was  tfcat  a  swar  ?  And  any  man 
who  says  it  aren't  founded  on  truth,  I'm  ready  to  pitch 
into  him  and  whop  him,  till  I've  proved  it's  true,  and 
the  darned  varmin  makes  an  acknowledgment  of  it  all 
in  public !  The  world  is  full  of  varmin,  men  and 
women,  which  goes  about  ruinin'  and  destroyin'  the 
prettiest  critters  the  sun's  light  shone  onto  !  And  when 
it's  done,  women  with  no  heart  and  men  who've  lost 
all  the  heart  they  ever  had  go  ahead  and  keep  them 
down,  because  they  won't  never  forgive  them,  and 
won't  assist  them  when  they're  a  cryin'  out  for  help. 
I've  seen  a  million  of  them  cryin'  out  for  help,  often ! 
Let  a  darned  varmin  of  a  man,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
his  great  white  vest  swelling  with  emotion,  "tell  the 
first  lie  about  a  woman — and  they  all  lie  like  hounds 
about  them — and  all  in  no  time  you  see  fifty  other  var 
min  pointing  her  out,  and  telling  this  lie,  added  to 
others  about  her,  and  all  in  no  time  they're  arter  her  ; 
and  though  she's  a  good  woman,  for  the  reason  they're 
seen  around  her,  her  reputation  is  blarsted,  and  other 
women  shun  her  like  a  Chinee  leper!  Or  it  comes 
about  a  million  of  other  ways,  partly  because  the  rules 
of  society  in  relation  to  women  aren't  fair.  Take  the 
case  of  that  "ar'  little  critter  who  was  shot  dead.  The 
poor  little  gal  was  in  a  far-off  land,  a  thousand  miles 


234  A   LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

from  her  home  and  her  friends.  All  alone,  and  no 
one  to  protect  her.  I'd  a-liked  to  been  by  her  side ! 
I'd  a  whopped  her  enemies,  and  I'd  protected  her,  or 
died  whopping  the  varmin !  You  see  the  gentle  face, 
and  you  see  the  dark  eyes  looking  up  and  imploring 
and  begging  for  help ;  but  thar'  warn't  no  help  for  her, 
none  in  the  world !  You  see  the  poor  little  critter 
a-writin'  to  her  par  for  help;  and  you  see  the  darned 
varmin  writin'  back  the  shot  that  went  to  her  heart. 
Yes ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  waving  his  broad  arm,  in 
the  intensity  of  his  emotion,  "and  arter  that  you  see 
her — whar  ?  Dead  !  That's  what  comes  of  the  letter 
of  that  bloodless  and  heartless  varmin,  her  par  !  Thar 
she  lies,  her  dark  eyes  so  soft,  and  her  ashen  face  so 
pale  !  Thar's  the  end  on  it ;  and  now  all  that  was  so 
purty,  so  beautiful,  lies  under  the  green  sod  of  the 
grave  all  alone  !  All  is  still  and  silent  for  her.  No 
voice  of  mourning  is  heard  over  her  grave,  for  there 
aren't  no  one  in  the  whole  world  who  would  weep  for 
the  purty  one.  Though  the  whole  world  was  standin' 
around  her  grave  like  a  vast  army  of  darned  varmins, 
they  would  curse  her.  It's  all  wrong !  "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  slapping  a  table  in  his  excitement.  "  It's  too 
harsh,  and  a  man  with  the  heart  of  a  man  will  dare  to 
say  so.  God  made  her ! — I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  !  " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "darned  ef  I  don't! "  and  he  wiped 
his  perspiring  forehead  with  his  red-bordered  silk  hand 
kerchief. 

"  It's  so ! "  said  the  Captain,  "  and  I'll  shoot  a  hole 
as  big  as  a  barn  door  in  the  first  hound  who  says  a 
word  against  my  daughters  !  " 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  235 

"  Captain,"  said  Mrs.  Grimyou,  "  this  conversation 
has.  I  think,  gone  far  enough." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Captain,  "  and  I'll  shout  the 
hound  with  a  blunderbuss  and  a  three-ounce  ball !  I'll 
pepper  his  carcass  !  Speaking  of  shooting,"  added  the 
Captain,  "  reminds  me,  Junius,  of  the  melancholy 
scenes  of  the  war.  Lord !  how  the  blood  flowed  in 
those  days !  You  could  hear  it  rushing  down  the  hill 
sides  like  the  water  of  the  Amazon  river ;  and  the  air 
was  actually  darkened  with  pieces  of  cannon  carriages, 
cart  wheels,  and  soldiers'  legs,  arms,  and  heads  !  There 
were  many  melancholy  scenes,  and  some  that  were 
amusing.  During  one  of  those  fearful  scenes  of  car 
nage,  I  remember  an  amusing  incident.  The  falling 
substances,  with  which  the  air  was  darkened,  had  cov 
ered  up  a  young  soldier  who  had  been  wounded  ;  and 
supposing  that  the  wound  was  mortal,  he  had  lain 
down.  This,  as  the  Major  will  tell  you,  was  very  fool 
ish,  for  he  was  soon  covered  by  a  mass  of  falling  mate 
rial;  while  if  he  had  continued  moving  this  would  not 
have  happened.  As  it  was  he  was  soon  completely 
hidden  from  view.  "A  number  of  officers  were  passing 
by,  myself  among  the  rest,  when  a  voice  was  heard 
calling  for  its  mother  in  a  faint  manner.  We  stopped 
at  once,  but  nothing  was  to  be  seen  but  a  pile  of  man 
gled  substances,  consisting  of  a  dismounted  cannon,  a 
number  of  stray  arms  and  legs,  and  a  few  heads  which 
had  been  shot  off  during  the  battle.  We  listened  and 
the  voice  was  heard  again.  A  young  lieutenant  who 
was  with  us  swore  that  it  came  from  a  head  lying  on 
the  side  of  the  pile,  with  auburn  mutton-chop  whiskers. 


236  A    LITERARY    KNTKKTAINMENT. 

We,  of  course,  scouted  such  a  monstrous  idea,  but  the 
lieutenant  would  have  it  that  the  voice  came  from  the 
head,  and  he  swore  it  was  so.  Of  course,  we  discov 
ered  the  real  cause  in  a  short  time.  The  young  fellow, 
when  he  was  dragged  out  of  the  pile,  was  found  to  be 
unhurt.  The  lieutenant  was  so  put  out  because  his 
theory  turned  out  to  be  untrue  that  he  swore  he'd  have 
the  fellow  shot  for  being  off  his  post  when  on  duty !  " 

"  I'd  a-thought,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "he  couldn't  be 
shot  for  so  small  a  offense." 

"In  time  of  peace  he  couldn't,"  said  the  Captain, 
"without  the  interference  of  the  courts,  but  in  time  of 
war  so  many  men  are  being  killed  that  one  man's  life 
is  no  more  than  a  flea  bite,  so  that  death  is  not  consid 
ered  a  severe  punishment.  In  fact,  when  a  man's  shot, 
the  punishment  is  generally  thought  very  light.  Speak 
ing  about  that  reminds  me  of  a  curious  thing.  We 
had  a  colonel  in  our  regiment,  early  in  the  war,  who 
always  ran  when  the  enemy  approached.  This  mor 
tified  him  very  much,  for  he  was  as  brave  as  Julius 
Caesar.  In  a  little  while  he  would  come  back,  and  after 
that  would  be  in  the  thickest  of  every  charge.  When 
the  battle  was  over  he  used  to  tell  us  that  he  had  done 
his  best  to  keep  from  running,  and  that  he  had  felt  no 
fear  himself,  but  that  his  legs  were  blasted  cowards, 
and  he  couldn't  keep  them  from  running !  We  didn't 
believe  this  at  first,  but  at  last  the  truth  of  the  state 
ment  was  proved  to  us,  for  one  day  a  cannon  ball  took 
off  both  of  his  legs,  and  after  that  he  had  to  be  carried 
into  battle  on  the  back  of  a  soldier.  No  one  ever  saw 
him  running  from  the  field  of  battle  again,  and  he 


A    LITERARY   ENTERTAINMENT.  287 

was  always  found  in  the  thickest  of  every  fight,  and 
proved  to  be  the  bravest  man  .in  the  army." 

"  The  fact  that  he  was  not  seen  running  from  the 
field  of  battle,  after  that,"  said  Mrs.  Grunyon,  sarcas 
tically,  as  she  straightened  up  in  her  black  silk  dress, 
"was  possibly  owing  to  the  simple  circumstance  that 
he  was  unable  to  run  without  legs.  You  will  certainly 
admit,  Captain,  that  a  man  cannot  run  without  legs !" 

"  No,  madam,"  said  the  Captain,  "  I  will  make  no 
such  monstrous  admission." 

"Say,  Josie,"  said  Nellie,  who  had  been  listening 
with  a  look  of  profound  interest  on  her  face  to  the 
stories  which  had  been  told,  usay,  Josie,"  said  she, 
"  tell  papa  about  the  fight  you  had  at  your  boarding- 
school." 

"What  fight?"  said  the  Captain,  looking  at  her 
severely  under  his  shaggy  e}Tebrows." 

"Oh!  it  was  nothing,"  said  Josephine,  blushing. 

"  Yes,  it  was,"  said  the  child  ;  "  there  was  a  big  pillow 
fight,  and  the  girls  put  bootjacks  and  hard  pieces  of  soap 
and  combs  and  brushes  in  the  pillows  to  make  them 
hard ;  and  oh !  they  had  a  great  big  fight,  and  one  girl 
hit  Josie  in  the  eye  and  made  it  black,  and  oh  !  it  made 
Josie  quit  fighting,  and  it  made  her  cry ! " 

"  Is  that  so  ?  "  said  the  Captain,  sternly  ;  "  was  there 
a  pillow  row  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Josephine,  timidly. 

"They  are  a  set  of  hoodlums  and  scrubs!  "  said  the 
Captain,  ferociously.  "  And  you  were  thwacked  in 
the  eye  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Josephine. 


238  A    TJTERAKY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

"  And  then,"  said  the  Captain,  "  of  course  you  got 
her  by  the  hair,  threw  her  down,  and  got  on  top  of  her 
and  pummeled  her  in  the  eyes  until  she  was  com 
pletely  thrashed  and  surrendered?" 

"  No,"  said  Josephine. 

"What?"  said  the  Captain,  "you  don't  mean  to  say 
that  a  daughter  of  mine  was  disgraced  by  being  beaten 
by  a  hoodlum  ?  " 

"I  just  stopped,"  said  Josephine. 

"  Pish  !  I'm  disgusted  !  You  should  have  died  first ! 
You  should  have  tweaked  her  nose  !  You  should  have 
gotten  her  by  the  throat.  You  should  have  bitten  her 
and  torn  her  hair  out  till  she  was  bald.  Anything  for 
victory,  and  death  before  defeat." 

"I  see  a  pianner  here,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Who 
is  it  that  plays  it?" 

"Josephine,"  said  the  Captain,  "go  to  the  piano  and 
play."  Josephine  got  up  at  once,  went  to  the  piano 
and  took  a  seat  on  the  red-topped  stool.  "  You  see," 
said  the  Captain,  "  that  there's  no  nonsense  on  the  part 
of  my  girls  about  playing.  When  a  gentleman  does 
them  the  honor  to  ask  them  to  play,  they  get  up  and 
play  till  further  orders.  No  dilly-dallying,  no  nausea 
ting  bashfulness  and  hideous  lies  about  not  knowing 
how,  being  out  of  practice,  and  all  that  rot.  They 
don't  wait  for  every  gosling  in  the  room  to  ask  them 
forty-three  times  apiece  to  c  play,  oh  !  anything ! '  but 
they  pitch  in  at  once,  like  ball-terriers,  and  bang  away 
at  the  piano  like  a  house  afire  ! " 

"That  'ar's  the  correct  way,"  said  Mr.   Oldbiegh, 


A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT.  239 

"for  the  other  way  spoils  the  music  what's  to  come 
arterwards." 

"  That's  the  reason  I  married  Mrs.  Gruriyon,"  said 
the  Captain.  "The  old  man  passed  his  ten  daughters 
in  review  before  me,  and  I  picked  her  out  because  she 
obeyed  orders  when  she  was  asked  to  play  on  the  piano 
with  the  promptness  of  an  orderly  sergeant.  And  I 
found  out  afterwards  that  she  was  possessed  of  all  the 
qualities  of  a  soldier  !  " 

The  young  lady  played  a  piece  of  "classical  music." 
She  commenced  playing  lightly  at  the  treble  and  came 
thundering  down  to  the  bass.  With  the  left  hand  in 
the  air  like  a  hawk  waiting  to  pounce  down  on  its  prey, 
she  went  rapidly  up  to  the  treble  with  the  other.  Her 
right  and  left  hands  then  took  an  even  start  from  the 
treble  and  had  an  exciting  race  for  the  bass,  the  left 
hand  coming  in  ahead ;  then  both  hands  took  a  violent 
jump  for  the  centre  of  the  piano  and  came  down  to 
gether  with  a  bang.  They  both  then  playfully  scamp 
ered  off  for  the  treble ;  they  both  then  made  an  aston 
ishing  jump  together  for  the  bass,  and  came  down  with 
such  a  thump  that  all  the  keys  of  the  bass  seemed  to 
have  been  set  off  together.  After. this  it  was  impossi 
ble  to  see  what  they  were  doing,  but  by  the  sound  it 
seemed  as  if  there  was  a  perfect  stampede  amongst  the 
bass  notes,  and  as  if  they  were  about  to  leave  the  prem 
ises  forever,  with  now  and  then  a  yelp  from  a  solitary 
treble  note  ;  and  after  that  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  notes 
had  entered  into  violent  and  mortal  combat,  and  the 
young  lady  was  punching  the  heads  of  the  notes  with 
both  fists  in  a  furious  manner,  and  in  deadly  earnest- 


!240  A    LITERARY    ENTERTAINMENT. 

ness,  acting  apparently  as  the  ally  of  one  side  or  the 
other,  when  the  mnsic  suddenly  ceased  with  one  grand 
explosion. 

"  They  play  those  pieces  to  show  off  the  skill  in 
fingering,"  said  the  Captain.  "Now,  Josie,  give  us 
some  music." 

"What  shall  I  play':  " 

"Play  'We-  Won't  go  Home  'till  Morning,' "  said 
Mrs.  Grunyon. 

"Play  something  from  old  Bobbie  Burns,"  said  the 
Captain. 

His  daughter  played  "  Bonnie  Doon."  The  Captain 
in  a  hoarse  voice  soon  commenced  to  sing,  while  he 
kept  time  with  his  wooden  leg.  After  this  the  Captain 
got  her  to  play  "The  Irish  Emigrant's  Lament,"  "  Ben 
Bolt,"  "Robin  Rough,"  and  later  a  number  of  negro 
melodies  in  which  everybody  present  joined,  including 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  whose  strains  were  often  heard  out  of 
time  and  far  above  the  rest. 

"  Now,"  said  the  Captain,  finally,  "  we'll  have  l  Auld 
Lang  Syne,' "  and  while  it  was  being  sung  he  hobbled 
around  the  room,  with  a  smile  on  his  face,  shaking 
hands  with  all  the  rest.  Late  at  night  the  party  re 
tired  to  their  respective  couches. 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     241 

CHAPTER  VIII. 

AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

MR.  OLDBIEGH  had  in  his  rough  nature  the 
elements  of  a  poet,  although  the  reader  may  not 
have  had  occasion  to  note  the  fact,  or  to  put  it  another 
\vay,  so  that  the  reader  may  understand  me  more  clearly, 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  nature  was  a  poetical  nature.  Like  all 
men  with  poetical  natures,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  a  truly 
Food  man.  He  had  none  of  those  wicked  traits  found 
in  men  outside  of  the  brotherhood  of  writers.  Oh ! 
reader,  are  you  good?  As  good  as  a  writer?  Then 
you  can  appreciate  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  better  and  loftier 
nature.  Oh!  gentle  reader,  are  you  a  blackleg?  Do 
you  drink  to  excess?  Do  you,  gentle  reader,  perform 
many  vile  and  wicked  acts?  Do  you,  gentle  reader, 
allow  wicked,  sinful  and  naughty  thoughts  to  lurk  in 
your  brain?  Are  you  a  politician  or  a  highwayman? 
Do  you,  gentle  reader,  ever  come  with  the  rest  of  the 
"  madding  crowd  "  to  public  offices  to  beg  for  donations 
to  public  festivals,  church  fairs  and  for  the  liquidation 
of  church  mortgages?  If  any  of  these  or  all  of  these 
things  are  true  of  you,  gentle  reader,  you  cannot 
appreciate  the  poetical  instincts  and  purer  nature  of 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  in  sympathy  with  all  nature.  He 
loved  what,  by  the  use  of  a  hackneyed  expression,  may 
be  called  "  the  beautiful."  If  he  had  had  his  own  way 
there  would  have  been  no  misery  and  no  suffering  in 
the  world  —  but  he  would  not  have  prevented  it  by 
15 


242     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

liquidating  church  mortgages;  and  if  by  acting  the 
part  of  a  Knight  Errant,  he  could  have  succored  the 
oppressed  and  punished  wrong-doers,  you  would  have 
seen  him,  gentle  reader,  incessantly  galloping  over 
the  world,  holding  to  the  pummel  of  his  saddle  with 
both  hands,  and  stopping  ever  and  anon  to  chastise  a 
giant  or  protect  some  innocent  female.  For  amongst  a 
few  of  the  peculiar  traits  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  character 
was  an  intense  love  for  female  society. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  found  everything  beautiful  in  the  world. 
Anything  from  a  blade  of  grass  to  a  sunflower  was  beau 
tiful  in  his  eyes.  Anything  from  a  tadpole  to  a  levia 
than.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  also  a  happy  man  because  he 
was  boM  and  courageous;  for  he  feared  neither  the  past, 
the  present  nor  the  future. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  standing  at  the  open  window  of 
his  bed-room  at  the  hour  of  eleven  at  night,  his  poetical 
ears  drinking  in  with  rapture  the  sweet  music  made  by 
a  congregation  of  frogs,  which  were  croaking  in  the 
vicinity  of  a  slimy  pond  about  one  hundred  yards  from 
the  house.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was,  indeed,  happy  as  he  lis 
tened  to  the  voices  of  these  innocent  creatures ;  and  a 
smile  of  satisfaction  spread  slowly  over  his  broad  coun 
tenance  as  he  heard  the  unending  "  ricket !  ricket ! 
ricket !  "  of  the  frogs. 

"  What  a  set  of  critters  they  are,  arter  all !  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  to  himself,  as  a  train  of  philosophical  thoughts 
passed  through  his  brain.  "  They  don't  have  no  trouble, 
because  they  don't  have  no  business  cares,  and  none  of 
'em  are  married.  They're  all  old  bachelors,  arter  all ! 
They  don't  have  to  wear  no  clothes ;  they  don't  have 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     243 

no  law-suits  and  jails;  they  don't  have  no  wars;  and 
all  they  do  is  sing!  What  a  happy  critter  a  frog  is, 
arter  all ! " 

While  these  profound  meditations  were  passing 
through  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  brain,  another  sound  suddenly 
attracted  his  attention.  It  was  the  low  murmur  of 
human  voices.  On  listening  more  closely,  it  seemed  to 
him  that  the  voices  proceeded  from  a  clump  of  trees 
about  fifty  feet  distant.  The  longer  he  listened  the 
more  vivid  grew  his  imagination,  and  strange  doubts 
assailed  him.  One  of  the  voices  rose  every  little  while 
into  an  impassioned  strain.  He  (for  Mr.  Oldbiegh  felt 
convinced  that  it  was  a  man)  seemed  to  be  urging  some 
other  person  to  the  performance  of  some  act.  Who 
were  they?  That  was  the  question.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
thought  that  every  one  in  the  house  must  have  retired 
to  rest.  Were  they  robbers,  and  was  the  bolder  of  the 
two  urging  the  timid  one  on?  The  longer  Mr.  Old 
biegh  listened  to  the  impassioned  tone  of  the  first 
speaker  and  to  the  low  objections  of  the  other,  the  more 
certain  was  he  that  mischief  was  brewing.  People  who 
had  a  good  end  in  view  did  not  require  such  impassioned 
urging.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  thought  it  best  not  to  wake 
anybody  in  the  house,  for  he  might  be  wrong  after  all, 
but  concluded  to  go  out  alone  and  make  an  examina 
tion  into  the  matter.  He  therefore  placed  a  five-shooter 
in  the  rear  pocket  of  his  pantaloons,  and  with  a  bowie- 
knife  in  his  left  hand — for  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  left-handed 
— went  down  to  the  front  door,  quietly  turned  the  lock 
back  and  walked  out.  It  was  a  beautiful  moonlight 
night,  and  the  incessant  chant  of  the  frogs  seemed  to 


244     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

have  grown  louder  and  more  shrill,  and  the  particular 
song  they  were  singing  at  that  moment  appeared  to  be 
unusually  wild  and  weird.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  stood  on  the 
porch  and  listened.  A  single  cock,  miscalculating  the 
hour,  crowed  in  the  distance.  A  number  of  other 
wakeful  cocks  thereupon  followed  his  example.  This 
set  off  a  train  of  dog  barks  and  in  an  instant  dogs  were 
barking  all  over  the  neighborhood.  A  sickly  calf  now 
added  its  bleat  to  the  general  uproar,  and  for  many 
moments  Mr.  Oldbiegh  could  not  hear  the  voices  which 
he  had  heard  when  in  his  room.  However,  the  sounds 
slowly  passed  away  and  again  he  distinguished  the  mys 
terious  murmurings;  but  this  time  they  seemed  to  be 
back  of  the  house.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  on  his  toes  down 
the  steps  to  the  ground,  and  then  walked  toward  the 
left  side  of  the  house.  The  sounds  seemed  to  have 
changed  their  location  again.  There  was  something 
very  strange  about  this!  But  the  mystery  was  soon 
explained.  On  looking  around  the  corner,  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
saw  something  which  induced  him  to  suddenly  draw  his 
head  back.  The  soft  rays  of  the  moon,  falling  full  on 
that  side  of  the  house,  displayed  the  interesting  head  of 
Miss  Maud  Glennon  reaching  out  of  the  window  of  her 
room,  which  was  on  the  upper  floor  of  the  dwelling, 
while  standing  by  a  rose-bush  beneath,  with  his  face 
turned  upward  and  the  palm  of  his  hand  over  his  heart, 
was  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs.  Being  nothing  of  an  eaves 
dropper,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  at  once  returned  to  his  chamber. 
"  Did  you  hear  anything  then  ? "  asked  Miss 
Glennon.  "I'm  frightened  to  death;  we  shall  be 
discovered ! " 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     245 

"  What  did  you  hear  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Mnggs. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  Miss  Glennon,  "  but  I  think 
it  was  something  behind  the  house.  Do  go  and  see." 

"  It  must  have  been  the  cat,  love,"  said  Mr.  Muggs. 

He  went  behind  the  house  and  made  his  way  through 
a  doorway  into  a  place  with  green  lattice  walls,  where 
the  milk  pans  were  usually  kept.  He  groped  about  in 
this  place,  calling,  "  poos !  poos ! "  in  a  low  voice. 
Suddenly  he  upset  a  stack  of  empty  pans,  which  fell 
to  the  wooden  floor  with  a  fearful  clatter.  Mr.  Muggs 
expressed  himself  in  such  poetical  terms  that  they  will 
not  bear  repetition.  The  noise  seemed  to  wake  nobody. 
Returning  to  his  position  beneath  the  window,  he 
informed  the  young  lady  that  there  was  no  cause  for 
fear. 

They  now  entered  into  a  vigorous  conversation  and 
as  their  whispered  language  was  composed  chiefly  of 
pet  names  for  one  another,  of  loving  expressions  and 
vows  of  eternal  fidelity — whatever  that  means  —  the 
reader  shall  not  be  punished  with  them. 

The  scene  was  quite  a  striking  one.  There  was  the 
young  lady  leaning  out  of  the  window,  her  eyes  filled 
with  a  soft  expression  which  denoted  passionate  love, 
the  moonlight  falling  on  her  yellow  locks,  for,  in  order 
to  improve  the  color  of  her  hair,  she  had  lately  washed 
her  head  in  water  with  soda  in  it.  There  were  the 
great  oak  trees,  not  far  away,  their  leaves  forming  a 
checkered  shadow  on  the  ground ;  and  a  little  further 
off  was  a  white  picket  fence.  There  was  the  swing 
hanging  from  a  limb  of  one  of  the  largest  trees ;  and 
there  were  the  dead  oak  leaves  covering  the  ground. 


246     A3*  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

The  dark  hills  behind  the  house  formed  a  gloomy  back 
ground.  There  was  the  moon  in  the  sky,  and  there 
was  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs  beneath  the  window.  His 
long  locks  were  resting  calmly  on  his  shoulders,  and 
there  was  a  curious  shadow  of  his  head,  his  bob-tail 
brown  velvet  coat  and  his  tight-fitting  pants,  the 
shadow  being  partly  on  the  wall  of  the  house  and 
partly  on  the  ground. 

"  Oh !  "  said  Mr.  Muggs,  "  I  could  never  love  another 
woman  like  I  love  you." 

"  He  !  He  !  "  said  Miss  Glennon.  "  I  know  you  say 
that  to  every  young  lady.  Can't  you  say  something 
just  for  me  alone  ?  " 

"  Upon  my  honor  as  a  gentleman,  drawled  Mr. 
Muggs,  "  I  may  have  loved,  but  never  like  this !  Oh ! 
there  is  an  intensity  in  this  passion  ! "  said  he,  placing 
his  palm  on  the  centre  of  his  chest,  "that  lacerates  my 
heart — that  tears  it  to  shreds!"  He  now  uttered  a 
loud  sigh.  The  young  lady  uttered  a  fierce  sigh  in 
response.  "  Your  eyes  first  seized  upon  my  heart  'and 
took  it  captive,  for  they  are  more  charming  than 
violets ! " 

"  Oh  !  "  said  Miss  Glennon,  "  did  you  never  say  that 
to  any  other  woman  ?  " 

"No,  I  swear  it,"  said  the  poet. 

"  Oh  !  this  is  too  sweet !  too  sweet !  "  said  the  young 
lady.  "  Oh !  that  these  blessed  moments  could  only 
last  forever ! "  she  added,  rolling  up  her  eyes  to  heaven. 

"  Oh  !  that  they  could,  that  they  could  !  "  responded 
the  more  masculine  voice  of  Mr.  Muggs. 

kt  Oh ! "  said  the  young  lady,  again   rolling   up   her 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     247 

eyes,  "  this  is  too  sweet !  too  sweet !  You  don't  talk 
like  other  men.  No  young  girl  could  resist  you.  I 
pity  them  if  they  know  you,  for  you  would  inspire 
such  agony  of  love  in  their  breasts!" 

"  Yarse,"  drawled  Mr.  Muggs. 

"  Oh  !  what  an  intellectual  head  you  have  got !  what 
a  towering  intellect !"  said  the  young  lady.  "  How 
proud  your  mother  must  have  been  of  you  !  And  you 
will  be  mine  forever?" 

"  Forever  and  for  aye,"  said  Mr.  Muggs. 

"And  you  say  that  I  must  do  it?  That  I  must  fly 
with  you?" 

"  Yarse,"  drawled  Mr.  Muggs,  "  we  must  both  fly 
together." 

"  And  it  must  be  right  away  ?  " 

"  Yarse,"  said  the  poet. 

"Oh!  my  poor  dear  little  pa,  how  he  will  foam!" 
said  the  young  lady. 

"Yarse,"  drawled  .Mr.  Muggs,  "he  will  foam." 
"But,  come;  time  flies,  and  we  must  hurry,  dawling!" 

The  young  lady's  head  disappeared  from  the  window. 
Mr.  Muggs  went  around  to  the  front  of  the  house  and 
sat  on  the  steps.  It  had  been  arranged  that  he  and 
the  romantic  young  lady  were  to  go  to  Oakland  early 
the  next  morning  before  anybody  in  the  house  was  up ; 
go  thence  to  San  Francisco  and  from  there  go  by  way 
of  Cloverdale  to  Lakeport,  and,  on  the  shores  of  Clear 
Lake  and  beneath  the  shadow  of  the  mountain  called 
Uncle  Sam,  be  united  in  wedlock.  This  plan  had  been 
partly  changed  when  it  was  learned  that  Mrs.  Grunyon 
and  some  other  members  of  the  family  were  to  take  the 


248     AN  ELOPKMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

carriage  and  go  to  Oakland  early  in  the  morning,  in 
time  to  catch  the  first  train  for  San  Francisco,  where 
they  were  invited  to  spend  the  day  with  some  friends. 
Instead,  therefore,  of  waiting  until  morning  before 
starting,  Mr.  Muggs  and  Miss  Glennon  had  concluded 
to  start  at  once.  In  a  few  moments  the  young  lady 
appeared  on  the  porch,  dressed  in  a  circular  cloak 
bordered  with  fur.  She  held  her  hands  in  a  muff  and 
wore  a  turban  hat  with  a  red  feather  in  it.  She 
trembled  a  good  deal  as  she  took  the  arm  of  Mr. 
Muggs,  and  stopped  at  the  front  gate  to  weep  for  three 
or  four  minutes  The  experience  of  Mr.  Muggs  taught 
him  to  say  nothing  at  this  moment.  She  started  back 
for  the  house  four  times ;  she  laughed  hysterically  a 
number  of  times,  but  finally  went  straight  ahead.  In 
due  course  they  reached  Oakland,  and  the  following 
morning  continued  on  their  journey. 

The  next  morning  all  the  remaining  ladies  in  the 
house  arose  early  and  started  for  San  Francisco.  They 
had  urged  Miss  Glennon  to  go  with  them  the  night 
before,  but  she  had  refused.  Mrs.  Grunyon  had  then 
told  her  she  would  not  go  herself,  but  on  being  urgently 
requested  they  had  all  made  up  their  minds  to  go,  with 
the  exception  of  Josephine,  who,  after  attending  to  the 
marketing,  was  to  return  home. 

At  about  ten  minutes  before  the  breakfast  hour,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  and  Captain  Grunyon  were  sitting  alone 
together  in  the  library. 

"  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  suddenly,  "  what  is 
Muggs  ?  What  do  you  think  of  him  ?  " 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     249 

"  I  s'pose  he's  a  pretty  good  writer,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh. 

"No,  no,"  said  the  Captain;  "is  he  a  sly  dog?" 

"  I  think  he  are,"  replied  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  don't  like  to  speak  ill  of  a  guest,"  said  the  Cap 
tain,  "  but  if  old  friends  can't  talk  there's  no  use  for 
language.  I  think  he's  an  oily  dog!  But  keep  this 
opinion  a  profound  secret,  for  while  he  is  in  my  house, 
even  if  he  were  Satan  in  disguise,  as  my  guest  I  would 
treat  him  with  profound  courtesy  and  show  him  every 
attention." 

As  Mr.  Glerinon  now  appeared  the  conversation  was 
dropped.  They  went  in  to  breakfast. 

"  Maud  is  lying  abed,  I  suppose,"  said  Mr.  Glennon, 
in  a  disgusted  tone. 

"  Never  mind,"  said  the  Captain,  "  she'll  probably  be 
here  in  a  moment." 

After  waiting  a  little  while  Mr.  Glennon  insisted 
that  they  should  go  ahead  with  the  breakfast,  but  the 
Captain  insisted  on  waiting  until  the  young  lady  ap 
peared.  A  girl  was  sent  to  rap  at  her  door.  She  came 
back  with  the  report  that  there  was  no  answer,  but 
said  she  thought  it  probable  that  Miss  Glennon  and 
Mr.  Muggs  had  gone  off  for  a  morning  walk,  as  the 
gentleman's  hat  was  not  on  the  rack. 

The  party  sat  down  to  breakfast,  and  had  just 
finished,  when  the  servant  brought  a  letter  she  had 
found  in  the  missing  young  lady's  room  to  Mr.  Glen 
non.  When  he  read  it,  the  little  man  became  so  greatly 
affected  by  emotion  that  he  could  not  speak,  and  the 
Captain,  thinking  he  was  choking  to  death,  and  mean- 


250     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

ing  to  throw  a  glass  of  water  in  his  face,  in  his  excite 
ment  picked  up  a  glass  of  milk  instead  and  threw  that. 
As  this  did  not  appear  to  cure  him  at  once,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  and  the  Captain  both  proceeded  to  pummel 
him  in  the  back  with  such  violence  that  he  was  restored 
with  wonderful  rapidity  ;  and  the  slapping  on  the  back 
was  given  with  such  good-will,  in  their  anxiety  to  re 
store  him,  that  the  little  man's  ire  was  aroused,  and, 
forgetting  himself  for  the  moment,  he  broke  out  into 
violent  abuse  of  them  both.  For  this  he  apologized 
when  the  stinging  sensation  passed  away,  and  his  wrath 
ful  expressions  were  turned  against  the  "  wretched 
girl "  and  the  poet.  The  three  gentlemen  now  dis 
cussed  the  situation,  but  could  arrive  at  no  conclusion 
as  to  where  the  birds  had  flown.  Mr.  Glennon's  nerves 
were  in  such  a  state  that  the  Captain  forced  him  to 
take  a  wine-glass  of  raw  brandy,  which  he  said  was 
good  for  the  nerves.  Mr.  Glennon  had  just  swallowed 
this  medicine  when  a  chambermaid  appeared  at  the 
door  of  the  library,  to  which  the  gentlemen  had  retired, 
with  a  sealed  letter,  which  she  had  found  in  the  young 
lady's  room.  It  was  one  Miss  Glennon  had  written  to 
an  old  schoolmate  the  night  before,  and  which  she  had 
intended  to  deposit  with  her  own  hands  in  the  post- 
office  at  Oakland,  but  in  her  hurry  she  had  forgotten 
it.  Mr.  Glennon  opened  it  and  read  as  follows : 

"  DEAR  MARY  :  Feeling  that  I  must  have  some  one 
to  confide  in  in  such  a  moment,  I  write  to  you,  you 
dear,  sweet  girl  I  By  the  time  this  reaches  you  I  shall 
be  a  wife  !  Think  of  my  feelings,  in  consequence,  at 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     251 

this  instant!  I  will  have  thrown  up  the  follies  of 
girlhood  and  be  a  dignified  matron  !  Just  think  of  it, 
you  dear  girl !  You  can  imagine  that  my  feelings  are 
in  a  sort  of  tumult.  How  envious  the  other  girls  will 
be  of  me  and  my  Judson  !  Girlhood  will  be  past  then  ! 
Oh !  Mary,  when  I  think  of  our  schooldays  at  the 
Seminary,  it  seems  so  strange.  Everything  seems  as  if 
nothing  was  real.  I  don't  know  what  pa  will  do !  He 
will  jump  all  about  and  be  frantic  and  cause  such  a 
scene!  It  makes  me  sad  to  think  of  the  past.  Oh! 
if  you  were  only  here  to  sustain  me  at  this  important 
juncture,  for  I  have  no  mother.  My  Judson  is,  of 
course,  good,  but  he's  not  a  woman.  You  will  forgive 
me,  Mary  —  that's  a  dear.  My  girlhood  seems  so 
childish  when  I  am  about  to  take  this  serious  step — 
and  it  is  so  serious!  What  pleasant  times  we  used  to 
have  at  school !  (Why  is  it  that  my  mind  will  con 
tinue  to  dwell  on  the  past?)  How,  when  the  vacations 
were  over,  the  girls  returned  with  two  or  three  trunks 
apiece,  all  filled  with  chicken,  jelly  and  cakes,  and 
what  midnight  suppers  we  had,  huddled  about  the  floor 
in  our  nightgowns  and  bare  feet!  Do  you  remember 
one  girl  who  brought  a  live  chicken  in  her  trunk  which 
crowed  on  the  way  up  stairs,  and  we  were  found  out? 
Do  you  also  remember  our  young  men  cousins  who 
used  to  come  and  see  us,  and  make  jokes  about  what 
we  had  to  eat?  They  said  the  butter  was  alive,  walked 
about  the  table,  had  hair  on  its  head,  and  fought  a  duel 
with  the  hash  !  Weren't  they  funny?  But  I'm  about 
to  pass  from  such  scenes  to  the  awful  solemnity  of  the 
marriage  state.  In  two  days  I  shall  be  my  husband's 


252     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

— wife  !  Think  of  that,  Mary  dear,  and  he's  just  too 
sweet !  Yet  I  feel  fearfully  afraid  somehow.  But  my 
Judson  is  standing  at  the  window.  Isn't  it  kind  in 
him?  He's  just  too  good  for  anything  !  Well,  we  are 
going  to  have  the  most  romantic  marriage  in  the  world  ! 
We  are  going  up  to  Clear  Lake,  and  will  be  married  on 
the  water —  " 

"Hold!"  interrupted  Captain  Grunyon.  "What 
o'clock  is  it?"  All  the  other  gentlemen  jerked  their 
watches  out  of  their  pockets.  "  We  have  just  time," 
added  the  Captain,  "to  reach  the  train,  if  we  make  a 
rapid  charge  for  Oakland.  As  Mrs.  Grunyon  has  gone 
off  with  the  carriage,  we'll  have  to  go  on  horseback. 
Thunder  and  blood  !  Cats  and  fish  !  "  cried  he,  sud 
denly. 

"What's  the  matter?"  asked  Mr.  Glennon,  very 
much  excited. 

"  Why,"  said  the  Captain,  "  there  are  four  of  us  and 
only  three  horses  on  the  place,  and  they're  such  a  God 
forsaken  lot  of  plugs  that  it  makes  a  man  sick  to  look 
at  them  ! " 

"Can't  you  borrow  another?"  inquired  Major 
Hawkins. 

"  Not  without  going  a  mile,  the  distance  to  the 
nearest  farm  but  Oldwhistle's,  and  then  we'd  miss  our 
chance  to  start  for  Cloverdale  this  afternoon." 

Of  course  it  wouldn't  have  been  of  any  use  to  ask 
Mr.  Old  whistle  for  a  horse,  even  if  the  Captain  was 
willing  to  do  so,  for  he  would  refuse.  Here  was  a  di 
lemma.  The  Captain  suddenly  remembered  that  the 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     253 

butcher  boy  usually  came  around  in  his  cart  at  about 
that  time,  so  they  walked  into  the  kitchen  to  find  out 
whether  he  had  been  there.  They  found  he  had  just 
left,  and  hurried  down  through  the  grounds  in  the  hope 
that  they  might  catch  him.  They  were,  however,  too 
late.  The  negro  boy  who  worked  for  Mr.  Oldwhistle 
was  seen  passing  at  this  moment.  When  asked  if  the 
butcher  had  been  to  Mr.  Oldwhistle's,  the  boy  replied 
that  Mr.  Oldwhistle  was  not  at  home,  and  that  the 
butcher  would  not  call  that  day.  The  gentlemen  were 
near  the  border  line  of  the  two  places  when  a  white 
horse  of  a  lean  and  bony  appearance,  with  a  mournful 
countenance,  was  seen  under  a  tree  on  Mr.  Oldwhistle's 
grounds,  apparently  attempting  to  commit  suicide  by 
strangulation,  in  order  to  terminate  its  sad  existence, 
for  it  had  wound  its  rope  around  the  tree  until  its  head 
was  within  a  foot  of  it. 

Captain  Grunyon  gazed  at  the  beast  with  meditative 
eyes  for  some  moments ;  then  he  suddenly  exclaimed  : 
"  I  have  it !  I  will  steal  this  plug  and  have  it  returned 
before  Oldwhistle  gets  back  !  As  it  is  the  tamest  look 
ing  steed  I  ever  saw  in  my  life  by  large  odds,  Oldbiegh 
shall  ride  it,  and  we'll  be  off! " 

Being  a  man  of  action  rather  than  words,  the  Captain 
drew  a  pruning-knife  from  his  pocket,  cut  the  rope 
which  held  the  horse,  and  led  it,  followed  by  the  other 
three  gentlemen,  to  the  stable.  The  horse  was  now 
discovered  to  be  blind  in  one  eye.  The  Captain's  three 
nags  were  brought  to  the  stable,  and  were  as  sorry  a 
looking  lot  as  the  first.  The  largest  one,  a  white  horse, 
was  covered  with  mud.  Another  was  of  a  variegated 


254  AN   ELOPEMENT    AND    AX    ARREST. 

white  and  black  color,  and  the  third,  while  it  had  the 
body  of  a  large  animal,  was  stunted  in  growth,  which 
made  it  look  as  if  about  one  foot  in  height  had  been 
sawed  off  its  legs.  The  Captain  concluded  to  ride 
this  nag. 

The  horses  were  soon  saddled  and  bridled  and  each 
rider  provided  with  sharp  Mexican  spurs.  The  Captain 
after  looking  at  his  watch  doubted  whether  the}7  could 
make  the  train.  After  telling  his  companions  that  they 
would  have  to  ride  as  if  they  were  riding  for  their 
lives,  he  mounted.  He  said  he  would  take  the  lead  as 
he  had  a  spur  on  one  side  to  urge  along  his  horse  and 
a  wooden  leg  on  the  other,  while  the  rest  of  the 
company  had  spurs  only.  The  Major  mounted  his 
animal  with  alacrity,  Mr.  Glennon  mounted  his  rather 
slowly  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  mounted  his  with  great  care 
and  circumspection.  He  then  wriggled  himself  into  a 
comfortable  position  and  grasped  the  pummel  of  his 
saddle  firmly  with  both  hands. 
'  "  Ready  ?  "  asked  the  Captain. 

"Whop  'em  up!"  cried  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  running  his 
spur  into  his  steed. 

One  of  the  farm  hands  threw  the  gate  open  and  they 
started  on  a  gallop  down  the  road.  The  Captain's 
short-legged  animal  went  up  and  down  like  a  hobby 
horse.  Both  the  Captain's  legs  were  working  in  earnest. 
It  was  splendid  exercise.  With  his  wooden  leg  he  was 
beating  one  side  of  the  animal  and  with  his  spur  he 
was  spurring  it  on.  His  circular  cloak  was  soon  flying 
in  the  wind  behind  him.  Next  came  the  Major  on  a 
white  horse.  He  had  a  whip  in  his  hand  with  which 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     255 

he  incessantly  lashed  the  animal,  while  in  addition  he 
used  his  spur  vigorously.  Next  came  Mr.  Glennon, 
whose  horse  needed  little  urging,  and,  strange  to  say, 
the  nag  ridden  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh  seemed  to  be  the  best 
of  all,  for  without  being  urged  by  the  spur,  it  passed 
the  others  and  took  the  lead.  As  the  animals  got 
warmed  up,  they  went  ahead  with  astonishing  speed 
for  such  horses.  It  was  a  beautiful  sight  to  notice  the 
violent  exertions  made  by  the  riders  to  increase  this 
speed.  It  was  very  interesting  to  note  the  pretty 
curves  of  the  Major's  whip  and  the  muscular  move 
ments  of  the  Captain's  legs,  but  more  interesting  to  see 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  his  hands  firmly  clasped  to  the 
pummel,  rising  and  falling  in  his  seat,  as  he  kept  in  the 
lead  ;  and  it  was  also  interesting  to  witness  the  astonish 
ment  of  the  pedestrians  and  of  people  looking  over  their 
front  gates  at  seeing  the  four  gentlemen  fly  past  like  a 
whirlwind,  enclosed  in  a  cloud  of  dust.  I  leave  the 
reader  to  imagine  the  shouts  uttered  by  the  Captain  in 
his  wild  excitement ;  suffice  it  to  say  that  the  party 
reached  the  station  in  time  to  catch  the  desired  train. 
Passing  from  Oakland  they  went  to  San  Francisco, 
and  from  there  they  started,  by  way  of  Cloverdale,  for 
Lakeport,  a  town  situated  on  the  shore  of  Clear  Lake. 
On  the  cars  for  Cloverdale,  Mr.  Glennon,  in  a  melan 
choly  state  of  mind,  held  his  head  out  of  the  window 
until  his  eyes  were  so  filled  with  cinders  that  he  was 
compelled  to  take  it  in.  The  other  three  gentlemen,  out 
of  respect  to  their  companion's  feelings,  up  to  this  time 
had  been  very  quiet.  However,  all  of  a  sudden  it  was 
discovered  that  the  Captain  had  a  pack  of  cards  in  his 


256     AN  KLOPFMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

hands  which  he  was  shuffling.  How  they  got  there  or 
where  they  came  from  is  not  known,  but  there  they  were. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  Major  Hawkins  and  Captain  Grunyon, 
with  solemn  expressions  on  their  faces,  were  soon  en 
gaged  in  examining  the  hands  which  they  held  before 
them,  and  in  dexterously  throwing  down  their  cards 
with  a  triumphant  air,  upon  a  table  composed  of  their 
knees  and  the  Captain's  circular  cloak.  In  the  mean 
time  Mr.  Glennon  entertained  himself  by  picking  the 
cinders  out  of  his  eyes.  As  this  was  a  painful  process 
and  as  he  connected  the  cinders  in  some  way  with  "  the 
wretched  girl "  and  with  the  poet,  he  held  quite  a  con 
tinuous  and  violent  conversation  with  himself,  graced 
ever  and  anon  with  an  oratorical  flourish,  about  those 
two  delinquents. 

"  The  world's  a  vile  world,"  said  he,  suddenly,  to 
himself;  "there's  no  good  in  it!  " 

"  What's  that  'ar'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  up 
from  his  cards,  for  he  thought  he  was  speaking  to  him. 

"  The  world  grows  worse  every  day,"  said  the  little 
man,  rubbing  his  red  eyes  with  his  handkerchief.  "  No 
man  can  trust  his  own  daughter,  the  world  is  so  bad. 
The  first  thing  he  knows,  now-a-days,  she  gets  up  in 
the  middle  of  the  night  and  runs  away  with  a  dish 
rag!" 

"  Oh  I  cheer  up  and  be  hearty  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ; 
"  we'll  catch  up  with  them  afore  they're  married  !  " 

"Flesh  of  my  flesh,  bone  of  my  bone  and  blood  of 
my  blood  running  off  with  a  dish  rag!  Oh!  I  won't 
have  it! "  suddenly  shrieked  the  little  man  so  that  he 
was  heard  all  over  the  car. 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     257 

"  Hush,  man  !  "  said  the  Captain.  "  You're  worse 
than  a  hysterical  female.  Don't  be  a  fool — act  like  a 
soldier,  sir !  Take  a  hand  in  this  game  of  cards.  Stop 
your  squealing  and  keep  a  bold  face ! " 

Arriving  at  Cloverdale,  they  learned  that  the  pair 
had  hired  a  two-horse  carriage  and  gone  ahead  about  a 
couple  of  hours  before.  The  gentlemen  ate  a  hasty 
dinner  and  hired  a  regular  four-horse  stage  coach,  the 
only  vehicle  they  could  get  at  once,  and  started  in  pur 
suit.  They  had  four  sinewy  and  wild  mustangs  to 
drag  them  and  a  man  for  a  driver  who  was  considered 
to  be  the  best  on  the  road.  The  coach  had  an  iron 
railing  around  the  top,  a  place  for  trunks  behind,  and 
was  on  thick  leather  springs.  It  was  painted  red  and 
a  picture  of  a  castle  was  on  the  door.  The  yellow 
wheels  were  heavy  and  strong.  The  four  passengers 
got  inside ;  the  door  was  shut ;  the  driver  mounted  to 
the  top  and  cracked  his  long  whip  ;  the  four  mustangs 
started  on  a  gallop  and  away  they  rolled.  At  every 
rough  place  the  coach  rocked  backwards  and  forwards 
on  its  leather  springs,  so  that  the  road  was  not  percep 
tible  to  the  passengers.  As  the  driver  was  to  be  well 
paid  if  the  runaways  were  overtaken,  the  crack  of  the 
long  whip  was  constantly  heard.  For  several  miles 
they  passed  over  ground  covered  with  gravel,  being  in 
the  neighborhood  of  volcanic  regions.  In  due  course 
they  were  climbing  up  the  mountains  with  yawning 
canons  hundreds  of  feet  deep  at  the  side  of  the  road. 
They  now  passed  into  heavily  timbered  regions,  and 
mountain  ridges  to  the  side  of  them  and  ahead  of  them> 
covered  with  a  blue  haze,  were  visible. 
16 


258     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

About  this  time  the  Captain  was  suddenly  observed 
to  be  sitting  in  an  erect  position,  clasping  a  flask  of 
whisky  with  both  hands.  This  pathetic  little  incident 
is  related  for  the  purpose  of  showing  what  married 
men  do  when  they  escape  from  the  dread  supervision 
of  their  spouses.  If  I  have  caused  a  pain  to  pass 
through  the  heart  of  any  of  the  gentler  sex  by  the 
relation,  it  will  give  me  profound  pleasure  to  make 
amends  by  an  humble  apology.  The  gentlemen,  with 
the  exception  of  Mr.  Glennon,  now  began  to  enjoy  the 
excitement  of  the  ride  immensely.  The  green  foliage 
of  the  trees  was  pleasing  to  the  eye  and  the  cool  moun 
tain  air  was  delicious.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  heart  often  rose 
in  his  mouth  when,  in  making  a  sudden  turn  in  the 
road,  the  wheels  of  the  coach  came  within  six  inches 
of  a  yawning  precipice.  They  had  just  started  down 
the  hill  from  the  top  of  a  high  ridge,  when  the  driver 
shouted!  something  which  the  passengers  did  not  under 
stand.  On  looking  out  Mr.  Oldbiegh  saw,  away  down 
below  them  and  about  a  mile  ahead,  a  carriage  half 
hidden  by  the  trees,  moving  slowly  along  the  road.  A 
few  hundred  yards  further  on  the  coach  stopped  and 
six  fresh  mustangs  replaced  the  four  jaded  animals. 

"  Do  you  think  it  was  them  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
of  the  driver,  who  was  holding  a  bucket  of  water  to 
the  front  horses. 

"Sure  of  it,"  said  the  driver.  "All  aboard!"  The 
gentlemen  piled  in.  "  There  they  go ! "  added  the 
driver,  who  was  just  about  to  mount  to  his  seat. 
44  They've  taken  wind  of  us.  Blasted  sly  fellow,  that 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     259 

long-haired  chap !  He's  been  taking  your  picture  with 
a  spy-glass,"  said  he,  mounting  to  his  seat. 

The  carriage  in  the  distance  was  moving  rapidly,  and 
probably  the  driver's  assertion  was  true. 

"Why  couldn't  you  keep  out  of  sight?"  said  Mr. 
Glennon,  petulantly  to  the  Captain,  who  had  been 
standing  at  the  edge  of  the  highway,  a  splendid  mark 
for  the  spy-glass  of  the  fugitive. 

They  went  rumbling  and  bouncing  down  the  road, 
the  continuous  grating  of  the  brake  being  heard,  and 
a  cloud  of  dust  rose  up  to  cover  the  leaves  of  the  red 
madrona  trees  on  the  side  of  the  highway.  In  the 
course  of  an  hour  they  were  within  a  quarter  of  a  mile 
of  the  fugitives.  On  making  a  turn  in  the  road  the 
driver  leaned  over  the  side  of  the  vehicle  and  shouted 
that  another  coach  was  in  pursuit.  On  looking  back, 
the  passengers  saw  the  coach  with  six  horses  tearing 
down  the  mountain.  Many  were,  the  conjectures  as  to 
the  cause  of  this.  Mr.  Glennon  was  disposed  to  believe 
that  because  of  the  especial  wickedness  of  the  world  at 
that  particular  period  some  other  daughter  had  run 
away  and  some  other  unhappy  father  was  following 
her.  As  they  approached  closer  to  the  carriage,  not 
withstanding  the  dust  thrown  up  by  the  wheels,  the 
four  gentlemen  all  had  their  heads  out  of  the  window, 
two  at  each  side.  In  consequence,  their  heads  were 
soon  coated  with  dust,  but  this  did  not  prevent  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  from  shouting,  "  Whop  'em  up  !  "  which  he 
now  did  incessantly,  while  various  wild  shouts  were 
heard  from  the  Captain,  and  Mr.  Glennon,  as  they  drew 
nearer,  fairly  shrieked  imprecations  at  the  poet  and 


260  AN   ELOPEMENT   AND   AN   AfcREST. 

the  "wretched  girl."  As  the  road  wound  down  the 
mountain,  there  was  a  place  where,  upon  looking  up^ 
the  gentlemen  saw  the  coach  in  pursuit.  This  coach 
was  about  one  hundred  and  fifty  feet  directl}-  above 
them  and  was  now  moving  in  a  direction  opposite  to 
theirs.  As  he  gazed  Captain  Grunyon  discovered  the 
face  of  Mr.  Oldwhistle,  his  enemy,  at  the  window.  His 
appearance  could  not  be  accounted  for  on  the  ground 
that  he  had  a  runaway  daughter,  for  he  was  an  old 
bachelor  and  consequently  had  no  daughters.  The 
important  question,  therefore,  arose  why  was  he  also 
engaged  in  such  a  violent  and  persistent  race.  Mr. 
Glennon  did  not  care  to  take  the  trouble  to  try  to 
answer  this  question.  The  Captain  tried  to  answer 
it,  but  failed  in  the  attempt,  and  the  Major  gave  it  up, 
when  Mr.  Oldbiegh  said : 

"It  couldn't  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  white  horse 
with  the  blind  eye  ?  " 

"  That's  it,"  said  the  Captain  ;  u  the  little  wretch  is 
after  us  for  horse  stealing !  He's  got  an  idea  in  his 
miserable  head  that  here's  a  good  chance  to  bother  us. 
If  he  attempts  to  arrest  us,  I'll  skin  him  alive  !  " 

All  three  vehicles  were  in  line  now  and  not  far  apart ; 
the  drivers  were  cracking  their  whips  over  their  horses' 
heads ;  clouds  of  dust  were  rolling  up,  and  pursuers 
and  pursued  were  moving  along  at  furious  speed  and 
turning  bends  in  the  road  at  a  rate  that  threatened  to 
upset  the  vehicles.  Out  of  th%windows  of  the  coaches 
the  dusty  heads  of  a  number  of  very  excited  gentlemen 
were  seen,  who  were  shouting  vociferously,  Mr.  Old 
biegh  among  the  rest  waving  his  hat  in  the  air  and 


AN   ELOPEMKNT    AND    AN    ARREST.  261 

yelling,  "  Whop  'em  up,"  and  while  the  Captain  shook 
his  fist  defiantly  at  his  pursuers,  who  threatened  to  fire 
unless  he  came  to  a  halt.  Mr.  Glennon  was  shaking 
his  fist  at  the  front  carriage  in  which  was  the  poet  with 
his  arm  around  Miss  Glennon.  In  the  other  hand  the 
poet  held  the  reins,  and  the  splendid  horses  he  drove 
were  covered  with  foam.  The  hindmost  coach  now 
began  to  fall  further  and  further  behind,  and  in  the 
course  of  fifteen  minutes  was  out  of  sight.  The  coach 
containing  Captain  Grunyon  and  his  companions  was 
gradually  gaining  on  the  carriage  ahead  of  them.  In 
a  little  while  they  were  alongside  of  each  other.  Mr. 
Glennon,  his  body  half  way  out  of  the  window,  was 
yet  shaking  his  fist  at  Mr.  Muggs,  when  that  person 
pointed  a  pistol  at  his  nose,  and  the  irate  father  sud 
denly  disappeared  from  view,  sinking  to  the  bottom  of 
the  coach.  Mr.  Muggs  ordered  the  four  gentlemen  to 
fall  behind  and  give  up  the  chase ;  he  threatened  to 
riddle  them  with  bullets  if  they  did  not  obey  his  orders. 
He  would,  perhaps,  have  ordered  the  driver  to  desist  if 
he  had  dared  to  take  his  pistol  off  the  four  companions. 
A  counsel  of  war  was  hastily  called  in  the  coach,  and 
the  Captain  suggested  as  a  strategic  move  that  while 
he,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Glennon  remained  at  the 
window  next  to  the  carriage  to  hide  his  movements,  the 
Major  should  climb  out  of  the  opposite  window  on  the 
roof  of  the  coach,  take  his  pistol  with  him  and  get  the 
"drop"  on  Mr.  Muggs.  This  movement  was  rapidly 
executed,  and  the  Major,  while  lying  flat  on  the  top  of 
the  roof,  covered  the  body  of  Mr.  Muggs  and  threatened 
to,  kill  him  unless  he  threw  his  weapon  to  the  ground. 


262     AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST. 

Mr.  Muggs  refused,  but  when  the  Major  proceeded  to 
take  very  deliberate  aim  at  him,  in  order  not  to  harm 
the  young  lady,  the  poet,  seeing  he  was  in  earnest,  cast 
his  weapon  down  and  when  ordered  to  stop  drew  up  the 
horses.  Both  vehicles  now  stopped  and  everybody  got 
out.  Miss  Glennon  had  been  perfectly  silent  during 
the  whole  race,  except  when  Mr.  Muggs  had  levelled  his 
weapon  at  her  father,  whereupon  she  had  uttered  one 
of  those  piercing  shrieks  peculiar  to  females;  but  other 
wise  she  was  calm  and  self-possessed.  The  horses  of 
both  vehicles  were  covered  with  dust  and  sweat  and 
were  trembling  from  the  effects  of  their  run.  The 
gentlemen  were  also  covered  with  dust,  and  the  long 
hair  of  Mr.  Muggs  was  so  filled  with  that  material  that 
its  color  seemed  to  have  changed.  The  faces  of  all, 
including  that  of  Miss  Glennon,  were  as  black  as  if 
they  had  been  negroes. 

The  Captain  now  proposed  to  throw  up  breastworks 
and  resist  the  approaching  enemy,  but  his  friends  in 
duced  him  to  submit  to  arrest,  as  nothing  could  possibly 
come  of  it.  In  a  little  while  the  other  coach  came 
thundering  down  upon  them.  Mr.  Oldwhistle  and  two 
officers  alighted  and  arrested  the  Captain  for  stealing- 
Mr.  Oldwhistle's  blind  charger.  The  opinions  which 
Captain  Grunyon  expressed  in  regard  to  the  proceed 
ing  will  not  bear  repetition,  for  fear  my  lady  readers 
might  take  offense. 

The  procession  homeward  was,  indeed,  a  melancholy 
one  for  some  of  the  party,  and  the  small  mind  of  Mr. 
Oldwhistle  led  him  to  annoy  the  Captain  in  many 
petty  ways.  For  example,  when,  upon  reaching  a  clear 


AN  ELOPEMENT  AND  AN  ARREST.     263 

mountain  stream,  Major  Hawkins,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  Mr. 
Glennon,  Mr.  Muggs  and  Miss  Glennon  got  out  of  their 
coach  and  washed  the  dust  from  their  faces,  in  order  to 
present  a  respectable  appearance  when  they  entered 
Cloverdale,  Mr.  Oldwhistle  would  not  consent  to  have 
his  coach  stopped  that  the  Captain  might  wash,  but 
compelled  him  to  ride  into  Cloverdale  begrimed  as 
he  was.  In  many  other  small  ways  did  this  small  man 
annoy  the  Captain's  loftier  nature. 

They  reached  Oakland,  and  before  the  day  of  trial 
Mr.  Oldwhistle's  lawyers,  by  representing  to  him  that 
the  case  could  never  be  sustained,  and  that  it  would 
only  injure  him  in  public  estimation  if  he  continued  to 
prosecute,  induced  him  to  consent  to  the  dismissal  of 
the  charge,  and  it  was  dismissed.  The  Captain  there 
upon  filed  a  complaint  against  Mr.  Old  whistle  for 
malicious  prosecution,  setting  the  damages  at  fifty 
thousand  dollars.  Mr.  Muggs  postponed  further  pro 
ceeding  to  some  future  day,  and  thus  happily  terminated 
another  of  those  exciting  incidents  which  marked  the 
career  of  that  truly  great  man,  Junius  Oldbiegh.  We 
would  pause  here  to  remark  that  his  career  was  but 
another  example  to  show  that  although  genius  may 
make  a  man  great  for  a  moment,  yet  it  dazzles  and 
passes  away,  while  profounder  qualities,  like  those  of 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  last  for  all  time.  And  what  is  genius, 
after  all,  unless  it  be  a  combination  of  those  sterling 
qualities  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  possessed  ? 


264  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

A  FEW  days  subsequent  to  the  proceedings  just 
related,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  seated  in  the  smoking- 
room  of  Captain  Grunyon's  house,  after  a  delicious 
breakfast  of  eggs,  coffee,  light  rolls,  fresh  home-made 
butter,  milk,  cream  and  fruits  of  several  kinds.  He  was 
feeling  those  delightful  sensations  of  pleasure  produced 
by  a  hearty  meal,  and  though  he  spoke  little,  yet  the 
soft  smile  on  his  round  features  said  volumes  and  the 
gentle  expression  in  his  large  blue  eyes  showed  him  to 
be  happy.  The  fact  that  his  legs  were  crossed,  the 
heavy  calf  of  the  left  being  thrown  over  the  right,  fur 
nished  additional  evidence  of  his  happiness,  for  in  this 
position  a  man  is  seldom  found  when  in  a  state  of  rage. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  enjoying  one  of  those  moments  when 
the  sunshine  of  life,  for  a  brief  space  unobscured  by 
any  dark  cloud,  fell  full  upon  him,  and  as  he  sat  he  was 
"a  fit  subject  for  an  artist's  pencil,"  as  some  profound 
writer  has  observed.  But  "pleasures  are  like  poppies 
spread ;  you  seize  the  flower,  its  bloom  is  shed,"  as  has 
been  written  by  the  gentlest  of  all  poets  ;  and  so  it  was 
with  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  His  pleasure  was  like  a  poppy  and 
its  bloom  was  shed  as  soon  as  he  read  a  letter,  bearing 
upon  the  subject  of  "  the  two-forty  widdyer,"  from  Mr. 
Geseign,  which  recalled  to  his  mind  the  fact  that  he 
must  be  making  preparations  for  the  criminal  prosecu 
tion  which  was  to  come  off  in  a  short  time.  Mr, 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  265 

Oldbiegh's  face  grew  inure  and  more  clouded  as  he 
continued  to  read. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  when  he  had  finished 
reading  the  epistle,  "what's  the  row?" 

"  Oh !  it's  a  letter  relating  to  that  ar'  suit,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  Well,  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  "  keep  a  stiff 
upper  lip  and  we'll  pull  you  through.  With  the  assist 
ance  of  my  friend,  the  Major,  I  think  we  can  put  up  a 
job  on  the  audacious  Night  Hawk,  which  will  take  the 
wind  out  of  her  sails  in  half  a  jiffy  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  arose,  and  with  melancholy  feelings  in 
his  breast,  bade  the  persons  good-bye  who  stood  on  the 
veranda  to  see  him  off.  With  the  calves  of  his  legs 
chafing  each  other,  he  walked  down  the  front  steps  to 
the  carriage  which  awaited  him,  and  in  a  moment  the 
rapid  click  of  the  horses'  hoofs  and  the  roar  of  the 
vehicle  were  heard,  as  he  drove  down  the  road.  Long 
did  he  wave  his  red-bordered  silk  handkerchief  in 
response  to  the  many  waving  white  ones  of  the  young 
ladies  on  the  porch ;  and  finally,  when  the  house  was 
out  of  sight,  putting  his  handkerchief  to  his  nose  he  blew 
one  fierce  blast,  after  which  he  quietly  replaced  it  in 
his  left  coat-tail. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  then  leaned  his  broad  shoulders  against 
the  back  part  of  the  carriage  and  began  to  philosophize. 
He  recounted  the  many  and  varied  experiences  through 
which  he  had  passed  during  the  last  few  months.  They 
had.  indeed,  been  strange.  In  rapid  succession,  he  had 
raced  with  dudes,  and  been  the  victim  of  the  misplaced 
affections  of  a  widow  of  ferocious  disposition  and 


266  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

hideous  appearance  ;  he  had  been  in  prison,  then  out  of 
prison ;  an  attempt  had  been  made  to  place  his  picture 
in  the  rogues'  gallery  ;  he  had  had  a  night  adventure  in 
which  a  bull  dog  was  the  chief  and  most  violent,  and 
an  antiquated  female  the  secondary  actor ;  he  had  been 
immediately  afterwards  described  in  a  public  print  as  a 
person  of  suspicious  character;  he  had  acted  as  an 
accomplice  when  the  wrong  man  was  punished  for  the 
offense ;  and  he  had  even  assisted  in  bringing  a  poet  to 
justice  !  Such  a  history  was,  indeed,  wonderful.  When 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  remembered  all  these  things,  and  recalled 
the  fact  that  he  was  hereafter  to  have  a  hired  companion 
in  the  shape  of  a  "  reg'lar  English  blue-blooded  snob 
Lord,"  he  felt  bewildered.  He  almost  felt  as  if  his 
reason  were  becoming  shaken.  He  felt  as  if  the  world 
in  some  mysterious  way  had  got  turned  upside  down, 
while  he  was  unaware  of  the  fact. 

While  his  mind  was  still  deeply  filled  with  such 
thoughts,  the  carriage  drew  up  at  Market  street  station, 
and  shaking  the  driver's  hand  with  a  five-dollar  piece 
in  his  palm,  which  was  not  there  when  he  withdrew  his 
fingers,  while  the  driver  winked  profoundly  as  he  bade 
him  good-bye,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  got  out  of  the  vehicle.  In 
a  short  time  the  heavy  iron  locomotive,  the  brass  rings 
around  its  boiler  glittering  in  the  morning  sunlight, 
dashed  by  the  station.  The  air-brakes  were  put  on  and 
the  train  soon  stopped.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  walked  into  the 
car  and  the  train  was  off.  It  was  still  early,  being 
about  eight  o'clock,  and  the  seats  were  filled  with  busi 
ness  men,  each  of  whom  held  a  morning  paper  open 
before  him ;  they  sat  like  statues  as  they  read,  and 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  267 

intense,  indeed,  did  the  interest  which  many  of  them 
took  in  their  papers  seem  to  be  when  a  lady  entered  the 
car  to  whom  they  thought  they  might  be  called  upon 
to  give  up  their  places.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  surprised  at 
this  lack  of  gallantry.  He  soon,  however,  had  what 
might  be  called  a  partial  explanation  of  this.  There 
was  not  sufficient  room  for  all  the  passengers,  and  a 
couple  of  young^  ladies,  who  had  got  on  at  Center  street 
station,  stood  in  the  passage-way  a  short  distance  ahead 
of  where  Mr.  Oldbiegh  sat.  Perceiving  that  no  one  else 
offered  them  a  seat,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  arose  and  politely 
offered  his  to  one  of  them.  "No-ow  !  "  said  she,  snap 
pishly,  " keep  your  seat!"  Mr.  Oldbiegh  without 
replying  quietly  resumed  his  place.  Arrived  in  San 
Francisco,  he  at  once  sought  for  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Where's  Tommy?"  he  asked  of  Becky,  who  was  the 
first  person  he  met  on  his  arrival  at  the  Golden  Chariot. 
"  Where  is  he,  my  purty  little  widdyer?" 

"He  was  out  in  the  back  yard  a  little  while  ago, 
burying  that  old  lame  man's  dog,"  was  the  answer. 

"The  Captain's  dog?" 

"  Yes ; — at  any  rate,  the  old  gentleman  in  the  fur 
cap,  who  had  a  blue  circular  cape  and  who  came  to  see 
you  just  before  you  went  away." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  it  was  the  Captain's 
dog.  Well,  so  that  ar'  little  canine  is  dead  arter  all ! 
What  of?" 

"  It  died  a  natural  death,"  said  Becky.  "  The  poor 
little  thing  kept  getting  thinner  and  thinner,  and 
wouldn't  eat  anything ;  and  when  I  placed  a  plate  of 
food  before  it,  it  would  look  up  at  me  sadly  with  its 


268  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

hollow  eyes,  and  would  then  turn  away  from  the  plate 
with  disgust,  and,  finally,  one  day  it  fell  down  on  its 
side,  rolled  over  on  its  back,  with  its  four  feet  up  in  the 
air,  and  was  dead  ! " 

44 So  that  'ar'  dug  is  dead  arter  all!"  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  u  and  the  Captain  said,  said  he,  it  was  the  most 
astonishing  dog  on  the  face  of  the  globe  ;  and  it's  dead 
of  a  natural  death.  As  you'd  say  of  a  man,"  added  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  impressively,  "it's  dead  with  its  boots  off. 
So  it  is  with  human  beings,  Becky.  The  example's  the 
same  for  them  or  dogs.  They  will  die  and  you  can't  stop 
'em  nohow.  To-day  you  go  to  a  circus  jolly  as  a 
fightin'  cock  and  larf  till  you  see  your  sides  cavin'  in 
at  the  clowns  all  painted,  with  round  red  spots  on  their 
white  cheeks  and  the  monkeys  all  a-grinnin',  and,  to 
morrow  you  ride  out  to  your  own  funeral !  That  ar's 
the  way  on  it.  Death  comes  like  a  darned  sneak  thief 
in  the  dark.  He  touches  you  when  you're  unawar'  with 
his  ic}r  fingers  and  your  toes  turn  up.  And  then,"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  more  solemn  tone  still,  "  when  it's 
all  over  and  you  carn't  hear  it,  they  have  a  sky  pilot  to 
say  what  a  fine  and  noble  man  you  was ;  and  for  all  the 
liars  of  the  world  a  sky  pilot  preaching  a  funeral  sermon 
beats  'em  all !  And  the  worst  of  it  is  he's  lying  for 
money;  and  he  preaches  the  same  sermon  over  you 
which  he  committed  to  memory  for  the  benefit  of  the 
first  corpse  he  ever  launched,  and  with  which  rot  he's 
spoke  over  and  flattered  many  corpses  since.  Don't  let 
me  make  you  grow  melancholy,  little  one,"  added  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "  but  that  'ar's  the  way  of  life.  And  the 
worst  of  it  is  there's  uo  way  to  put  an  end  on  itj  for  it's 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  269 

got  to  be ;  aud  when  a  man  takes  a  notion  in  his  head 
to  die,  let  him  alone,  for  he'll  die  and  you  carn't  stop 
him  nohow,  for  it's  natch'ral,  Becky,  it's  natch'ral! '' 
concluded  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  profoundly,  after  which  he 
sighed  deeply. 

In  a  little  while  Mr.  Geseign  was  found,  and  he  and 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  up  to  the  latter's  room,  Mr.  Geseign 
entering  last  and  locking  the  door  behind  him. 

"  Well ! "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  threw  up  his  heels 
on  the  washstand,  "  how  are  you — anyhow  ?  " 

"  Hearty,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  The  Cap 
tain  has  proved  to  be  a  noble  old  soldier  and  he  carn't 
be  beat  by  no  man." 

"  He,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  is  a — jewel.  He  is  curious, 
— peculiar  and — kind." 

"  That's  what  he  are,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Well, 
Tommy,  what  have  you  been  up  to  ?  " 

"  I  have  performed,"  was  the  reply,  "  oceans — of 
labor.  I  am  a  man — of  energy.  In  the  balmy  days — 
of  my  youth — I  was  a — sluggard.  4  Go,'  said  I,  '  to  the 
sluggard — thou  ant.  Birds  of  a  flock,'  said  I  'feather — 
together.  The  rolling  moss,'  said  I,  4  gathers — no  stone.' 
I  reformed.  You  see  me  now  in  the  pride  and  beauty 
— -of  my  youth — a  man — of  iron  will !  I  have  conquered 
the  dragon.  She  is  in — my  meshes." 

"  What's  that  'ar'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  pricking  up 
his  ears. 

"The  widow,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "That  fairy 
creachaw — she — of  the  drooping  eyelids — she  with  the 
face  composed — of  chalk — she  is  in  my  tender — clutches. 
The  key — which  you  will  remember — she  took  from 


270  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

your  door — was  found  on  her — person.  I  have — the 
proof!" 

"Do  you  mean  to  say,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  such 
earnestness  that  the  perspiration  stood  out  on  his  fore 
head,  "  do  you  mean  to  say  you've  laid  a  trap  for  that 
'ar  widdyer  and  that  you've  caught  the  bird?" 

"  I'm  forced,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  make  the  cruel 
— admission." 

"How?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

u  My  experience  with  her — delightful — sex,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  "  has  been  as — unlimited — as  it  has  been — 
blissful.  I  have  learned  first  that  they  will — talk.  A 
strange  assertion,  but  true.  I  believe  that  if  they  were 
born — without  mouths — their  ears  would — talk.  I  know 
it.  Knowing  this,  I  laid  my  cruel — schemes.  I  studied 
—her  history.  I  studied — her  past.  I  studied — her 
present.  I  sought  the  man  on  whom  she  wastes — her 
affections.  I  found  him — in  one  Nosey  Snigger.  I 
learned  that  Nosey,  in  order  to  show — his  tendali  affec 
tion — often  blackens — her  eyes.  I  knew  then  that  she 
would — love  him — tenderly.  I  bribed  Nosey  to — pump 
her.  He  pumped  her.  Quite  so.  She — under  the 
harsh  threats — of  cruel  abandonment — from  Nosey — 
submitted,  and  was  pumped — dry,  quite  dry.  At  last 
you  are — free!  Oh!  Liberty  —  charming  female — 
creachaw !  Fearing  a  prosecution,  the  dragon  has — 
departed — for  parts — unknown.  Nosey  is  happy — in 
tensely  so ! " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  during  the  above  recital  had  been 
watching  Mr.  Geseign  with  eyes  wide  open  with  admi- 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  271 

ration,  jumped  up  and  took  his  hand  and  shook  it  long 
and  vigorously. 

"Stop,"  said. Mr.  Geseign,  at  last,  for  his  arm  was 
nearly  shaken  out  of  joint,  "  stop !  '  Enough  is  as  good 
as  a — feast." 

"  You're  a  man,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  heartily,  "  and 
you're  all  brains ! "  and  he  gazed  on  him,  his  blue  eyes 
filled  with  admiration. 

"  Do  not  flatter  me,  for  I  might  be — spoiled,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  No,  sir.  It  couldn't  be  did  by  no  man,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "  for  it's  the  truth,  every  word  on  it." 

"  Now,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  change  this  fascinating 
— subject,  are  we  to  remain  at  the — Chariot  and  be 
metaphorical — charioteers,  or  are  we  to  go — elsewhere?" 

"  What's  your  judgment  on  it  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  A  room  in  a  private — house,  in  a  respectable — por 
tion — of  the  city,  would  be — to  my  mind,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign. 

"  Done  right  thar',"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I  now  have  a  project — I  may  say — a  scheme,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  lay — before  you." 

"  Pop  her  out,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  You,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  desire  to  see — life." 

"  And  snobs,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"And  snobs,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  As  all  life  is  not 
— in  the  slums — you  will  have  to  go — in  good  society. 
You  need — training — first.  I  will  train  you.  I  am  a 
— lord,  or,  rather,  am  supposed — to  be  such.  I  will  go 
— as  your  travelling  companion — as  an  English  lord. 
This  will  throw  American  society — at  our  feet." 


272  AT  WOODWARD'S  GAKDKKS. 

"  Aren't  you  a  lord  ?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  opening  his 
eyes. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  but  I  am  generally  sup 
posed  to  be  a  fallen — lord." 

"  How  about  that  'ar'  zoological  tree  ? "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"The  genealogical — tree,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "was 
the  result  of  my — labors — and  of  a  heated  imagination 
— in  leisure  hours." 

"  How'd  the  ;  Convivials '  come  to  call  you  a  blood  ?  " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"They  have  heated — imaginations,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  solemnly,  "you  and  I 
are  friends,  and  }^ou're  my  everlasting  benefactor  along 
of  that  'ar'  two-forty  widdyer  ;  but  ef  you  aren't  a  lord, 
I  carn't  travel  with  you  as  a  lord  nohow." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "I  am — a  small  lord. 
And  I've  got— the  blood.  It's  all  blue.  Of  that— 
there's  no  doubt." 

"  Are  you  sure  you've  got  the  blood  ?  " 

"Certain,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbeigli,  "  ef  you've  got  the  blood, 
you  are  a  lord  arter  all.  And  ef  it's  small  or  great,  I 
don't  see  how  that  consarns  it,  for  a  lord's  a  lord  no 
matter  whar'  you  find  him,  even  if  it  was  atop  of  Mount 
Arryrat ! " 

"  Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Correct — in  every 
— particular." 

"  Then,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I'm  in  for  it,  and  we'll 
go  ento  serciety  and  be  a  couple  of  snobs,  and  you  can 
point  out  the  other  snobs  to  me." 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  273 

•'  Agreed,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Done,"  said  Mr.  Oldbeigh. 

The  next  morning  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign 
started  out  together  to  hunt  for  a  lodging  house.  They 
had  concluded  to  go  to  a  lodging  house  for  awhile, 
until  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  gone  through  the  necessary 
training  in  the  arts  of  society.  Before  they  started  out 
Mr.  Geseign  told  the  little  clerk  of  the  hotel,  with  whom 
he  had  already  made  a  settlement,  that  he  had  a  friend 
around  the  corner  who  could  take  his  place. 

"All  right,"  said  Mr.  Jarmyn,  as  he  continued  to 
write  rapidly  on  his  books ;  "  fetch  him  up." 

Mr.  Geseign  went  down  the  brass-plated  steps  and  in 
a  short  time  came  back  with  a  brazen-faced  little  man 
whom  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  seen  at  the  "Convivial"  club. 

"  Billy  Clupper,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  Mr.  Jarmyn.1* 

"Jar — Jar — Jar — myn,  glad  t'now  yer — hie!" 

Mr.  Jarmyn  looked  at  Mr.  Clupper  suspiciously. 

"  Oh !  he's  all  right,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  All  he 
wants — is  to  hold  his  head — out  of  the  front — doah — • 
to  cool — to  be  sober — as  a  judge." 

"I'm  soberer  nor  a  judge  now,  only  sick,"  said  Mr. 
Clupper. 

Under  these  circumstances  Mr.  Jarmyn  employed 
him  for  the  two  coining  days. 

"  Now,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,"  said  Mr.  Jarmyn,  who  had 
been  extremely  polite  ever  since  he  had  become  fully 
aware  of  the  extent  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  riches,  "  we'll 
take  a  parting  smile  together,  as  you  are  about  to  leave 
the  Chariot.  You've  had  a  good  time  since  you've  been 
here,  haven't  you  ?  Say  you  have,"  with  such  a  look 
17 


274  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

on  his  light  features  that  an  ordinary  person  might  have 
supposed  he  desired  to  lick  the  blacking  from  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  boots. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "I  don't  know  but  a 
part  of  the  time  I  'arve." 

"  A  sly  time  with  the  ladies,  too,  Mr.  Oldbiegh ! " 
said  the  smirking  little  man. 

"None  o'  that  'ar',  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  sternly. 

"No  offense,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  no  offense." 

"Ef  thar'  warn't  none  meant,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
"thar'  warn't  no  offense.  It's  all  in  the  meaning." 

"Come  up,  boys,"  said  Mr.  Jarmyn,  smiling  gra 
ciously,  while  he  silently  counted  the  cost  by  the  rules 
of  mental  arithmetic. 

A  crowd  of  loafers,  a  crowd  of  that  particular  class 
of  beings  who  sit  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  bar-room 
of  a  hotel,  with  their  ears  cocked  open  all  day  for  invita 
tions  to  drink  from  tipsy  men,  and  pretend  to  be  reading 
illustrated  newspapers  in  the  meantime,  came  forward. 
With  that  skill  and  grace  acquired  by  long  practice, 
they  drank  the  health  of  the  departing  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  his  companion,  Mr.  Geseign  ;  after  putting  their 
glasses  down,  they  waited  for  some  moments  as  if  they 
wanted  more,  and  one  individual  with  a  fiery  nose, 
who  had  been  emboldened  by  past  drinks,  took  up  the 
bottle  which  had  been  left  in  his  neighborhood,  and, 
while  the  barkeeper's  back  was  turned,  with  his  shaking 
hand  he  poured  out  a  full  glass  and  tossed  it  down  his 
throat  at  a  gulp,  to  the  admiration  and  envy  of  his  red- 
nosed  companions. 

"Now,"    said    Mr.   Oldbiegh,  after  he  had   shaken 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  275 

hands  heartily  with  all  present,  "  now,  Tommy,  we'll 
be  looking  arter  our  future  home  and  habitation." 

"  Right,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  as — a  tricket,"  as  he 
hooked  his  arm  in  that  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  they 
walked  down  the  steps  of  the  Golden  Chariot,  perhaps, 
for  the  last  time.  A  crowd  gathered  around  the  head 
of  the  stairway  and  a  shade  of  melancholy  might  have 
been  detected  by  the  acute  observer  on  their  faces  as 
they  surveyed  the  broad  back,  round  head  and  pro 
truding  calves  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  the  yellow  striped 
pantaloons,  short  coat,  and  the  stubs  of  short  hair  of  a 
light  red  color  beneath  the  broken  rim  at  the  back  of 
Mr.  Geseign's  stiff  hat.  It  was  to  them,  and  particu 
larly  to  the  barkeeper,  a  melancholy  sight,  for  although 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  not  drink  much  himself,  yet  when 
he  did  drink  he  called  up  everybody  within  a  circle 
described  by  a  radius  of  sixty  feet  to  drink  with  him. 

They  were  soon  walking  down  Washington  street,  by 
the  north  side  of  the  dark  and  gloomy  building  in  which 
is  the  city  prison.  A  sheriff  was  leading  sixteen  or 
eighteen  men  who  were  chained  together  into  the  "  Old 
City  Hall  "  for  trial  in  the  Superior  court  that  morning, 
and  detectives,  policemen,  professional  bail-bond  men, 
and  relatives  of  prisoners  and  police  court  lawyers  were 
hurrying  to  and  fro. 

A  man  about  sixty  years  of  age  was  sauntering  down 
the  sidewalk  in  front  of  them.  He  was  muttering  to 
himself,  occasionally  shaking  his  fist  and  swearing 
violently.  "  I'm  a  man  of  brains,"  said  he,  "  a  man  of 
genius,  and  I've  been  called  a  dog  by  him."  He  was 
dressed  in  rags,  as  Mr.  Oidbiegh  perceived  upon  looking 


276  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

at  him.  His  hair,  which  was  long  and  uncombed,  was 
covered  by  a  soft  hat  which  had  been  worn  until  it  had 
lost  all  shape.  His  beard  was  long  and  uncombed,  like 
his  hair,  and  his  bare  foot  was  seen  through  a  hole  in 
his  worn-out  shoe.  He  continued  to  swear  and  mutter 
to  himself :  "  I,  a  man  of  brains,  of  education,  of  bril 
liance,  to  be  called  a  dog  by  him" 

"  What's  the  matter  with  that  'ar'  critter  ?  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  as  he  noticed  the  intensely  bitter  tone  in 
which  the  man  spoke. 

"He,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "is  off  his  basis — because 
some  barkeeper  has  refused  him — a  free  lunch  ;  and  he 
has  called  him — one  of  the  canine — species." 

"What  is  he?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Do  you  know 
him  ?  He  seems  to  be  a  pretty  big  man  by  his  own 
statement." 

"  Know  him  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  I  know  him — 
better — than  myself.  We  have  bunked — in  the  sombre 
days  of — mutual  misery — in  the  same  hogshead.  He  is 
a  melancholy  specimen  of  a — bummah.  In  early  days 
he  was  a — lawyer.  He  was  at  the  top  of  his — profes 
sion.  Things  are — reversed.  He  now  is  at — the  bottom  ; 
therefore — he  swears.  He  affects  my  tendah — feelings  ! 
He  was  considered — brilliant — extremely  so.  I  sup 
pose  he  is  brilliant — still ;  but  he  is  no  longer — admired. 
He  swayed  crowds  with  his — wit  —with  his  eloquence. 
He  luxuriated — in  wealth,  and  loved  those  enchanting 
creachaws — women.  You  perceive  in  him — the  result. 
Moral — nevah — oh  1  nevah — love  a  woman  !  " 

"  What  does  he  do  now  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  to 
live." 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  277 

"Man,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "the  less  he  has — the  less 
he  worries — about  the  insignificant  matter — of  living. 
To  one  who  is  rich — the  bare  thought — of  starvation — 
ruffles  up  his  tendah  feelings.  To  a  pauper — the  thought 
has  no — terrors.  And,''  added  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  a 
bummah — of  experience  food  is  always — at  hand.  With 
out  character  you  may — beg.  The  labor  is  not  fraught 
with  muscular — efforts.  You  may  become — a  lunch 
fiend.  The  life — has  its  charms.  We  are  creachaws — 
of  habit.  Where  you  have  learned — by  habit — to  be — 
a  bummah — the  life  has — its  pleasures.  Time  wears 
away — scruples.  You  are  happy.  Peculiar — but  true.'1 

"  What  is  he  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  A  lunch — fiend,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

They  crossed  Market  street  at  Third  and  went  down 
on  Howard  street.  On  Howard  street  they  found  a 
three-story  frame  building,  and  a  lady  dressed  in  black 
robes  who  kept  the  house  was  introduced  to  Mr.  Old 
biegh  by  Mr.  Geseign  as  Mrs.  Morthington. 

"  I've  heard  that  name  afore,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  but 
I  carn't  tell  whar'." 

"Perhaps  you  met  my  poor  husband,"  said  Mrs. 
Morthington;  "he  was  a  very  prominent  man." 

"I  may  a  met  him,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "and  I'd  be 
glad  to  meet  him  again." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  not  hear  the  lady  say  he  had  gone 
to  the  other  world.  She  showed  him  a  room  on  the 
second  floor  in  the  rear  of  the  house  looking  out  upon 
the  back  yards  of  a  number  of  dwellings.  The  morn 
ing  sunlight  was  pouring  into  the  apartment  and  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  was  satisfied.  Mr.  Geseign  was  accommoda- 


278  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

ted  with  a  room  directly  under  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  ajid 
next  to  that  occupied  by  a  French  gentlemen.  As 
Mrs.  Morthiiigton  informed  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  Mr.  Ge- 
seign's  chamber  did  not  have  the  pleasant  view  his 
had,  as  it  was  obstructed  by  the  top  of  a  woodshed. 

"I  usually  require  references,"  said  the  lady,  "for 
such  tramps  are  about;  but  Mr.  Geseign  being  your 
friend  is  enough  for  anybody.  Mr.  Morthington 
always  did  say,  '  Mary,  be  sure  your  references  are 
all  right  and  then  you  will  find  you  have  no  fast  charac 
ters  in  your  house.  I've  been  here  ten  years  and  I've 
never  had  but  one.'  A  man  called  here  this  morning 
with  a  picture  of  Swedburg,  the  murderer,  He  was  a 
detective.  Pie  wanted  to  know  if  a  man  like  the 
picture  was  stopping  here.  'No,  indeed,'  said  I,  4I  don't 
take  murderers  in  my  house,  I  require  all  my  people,' 
said  I,  indignantly,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  for  I  have  feelings  for 
my  house,  'to  give  references,  and  no  murderers  need 
appty.'  Do  you  like  the  room,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ?  Well, 
I  shall  do  everything  I  can  to  make  it  comfortable,  and 
if  you  want  anything  at  any  hour  of  the  day  or  night, 
just  call  on  me,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  for  Mr.  Morthington 
always  did  say,  'Mary,  make  it  comfortable  for  your 
guests  and  they'll  make  it  comfortable  for  you.'  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  stood  long  and  patiently,  with  his  hat 
in  his  hand,  bowing  profoundly  at  intervals  and  waiting 
for  her  flowing  ideas  to  come  to  a  stop.  When  she 
ceased,  the  terms  were  arranged  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and 
Mr.  Geseign  left  the  house. 

"  W/hat's  to  be  done  now  ? "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
when  they  reached  the  sidewalk.  Mr.  Geseign  sugges- 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  279 

ted  that  as  they  had  nothing  to  do  they  might  go  out  to 
"Woodward's  Gardens."  "What's  out  there?"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"More  of  your  monkey — ancestors,"  said  Mr.  Ge- 
seign,  "than  you — can  shake  a  stick  at.  Bears  and 
tigers — wolves  and  lions — and  hyenahs  also — abound. 
Stuffed  birds — stuffed  reptiles — and  monstrosities.  Very 
curious." 

They  took  the  Mission  street  car  and  were  at  the 
gardens  in  a  short  time.  Paying  the  requisite  fee  they 
went  inside. 

"What's  that  4ar'?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  pointing 
to  an  immense  bust  of  Washington. 

"  That,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  represents  the  original 
and  only  father  of  his  country — the  youthful  creachaw 
— upon  whom  the  fiendish — hatchet  story — has  been 
told — by  which  libellous  article  his  memory  has  been 
forever — blighted !  " 

"  What  hatchet  story?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Geseign  got  around  in  front  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
and  gazed  upon  his  features  with  astonishment. 

"The  only  man — in  America — who  has  not  heard — 
the  pathetic  story  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  What's  that  ?  You  mean  about  his  not  tellin' 
lies?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"You  have  heard  it — after  all!"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
with  an  affected  sigh  of  relief.  "  The  inevitable — 
whale's  jaws,"  said  he,  pointing  out  a  couple  of 
immense  bones.  They  went  into  a  building  facing 
the  gate.  "The  inevitable  ships — on  a  blue — wooden 
sea  with  white  wooden — sails,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 


280  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

calling  his  companion's  attention  to  a  miniature  man-of- 
war.  "A  disagreeable — bedfellow,"  said  he,  indicating 
a  stuffed  Boa  Constrictor  over  the  stairway,  which  went 
up  to  the  upper  story. 

After  gazing  at  a  number  of  insects  on  the  white 
shelves,  at  a  number  of  snakes  preserved  in  alcohol, 
and  at  a  variety  of  stuffed  birds,  amongst  others  an 
imaginary  flock  of  green  birds,  with  stuffed  beaks,  they 
went  to  the  upper  story  and  inspected  stuffed  bears, 
stuffed  foxes  and  the  Indian  canoes  with  red  stripes  at 
their  bows ;  saw  the  skin  Esquimaux  canoes,  with  men 
in  skin  clothing  sitting  in  round  holes,  all  holding  their 
paddles  elevated  in  the  air  at  the  same  angle;  and  then 
they  gazed  at  the  bows  and  arrows  and  flint  arrow 
heads,  after  which  they  went  out  into  the  grounds  once 
more  and  saw  the  swans,  ducks  and  innumerable  other 
birds  swimming  in  artificial  ponds,  which  they  suc 
ceeded  in  making  extremely  muddy.  After  watching 
the  beavers  swimming  under  water  for  awhile,  they 
went  to  the  conservatory  and  saw  the  brilliantly 
colored  flowers,  but  this  place  proving  too  warm  for 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  they  were  soon  in  the  open  air  again. 
They  got  into  the  endless  circular  boat,  and  in  order  to 
get  it  going  for  the  benefit  of  the  women  and  children 
who  sat  in  it,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  rowed  with  great  violence, 
until  "catching  a  crab"  he  went  backwards  into  the 
bottom  of  the  boat,  and  for  a  moment  nothing  was 
visible  but  his  green-topped  shoes  and  his  legs,  whicn 
were  elevated  in  the  air.  Recovering  himself  with  all 
the  dignity  the  circumstances  would  permit,  he  took 
Mr.  Geseign's  arm  and  after  looking  at  the  peculiar 


AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS.  281 

trees,  strange  plants,  stone  grottoes  and  waterfalls  in 
that  portion  of  the  garden,  they  went  through  an 
underground  passage-way  to  the  part  of  the  grounds 
where  the  animals  were  kept. 

"  Thar's  a  grizzly ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he 
stopped  in  front  of  the  first  cage.  They  listened  in 
silence  to  the  endless  swishing  tread  of  the  grizzly 
bear,  as  it  walked  to  one  end  of  the  cage  and  turned 
around  and  walked  to  the  other,  never  pausing  in  its 
gloomy  march  not  even  when  it  cast  a  glance  through 
the  bars  at  the  people  without.  "  A  grizzly  bar,'*  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  can  whop  the  spots  out  of  a  lion  or  a 
tiger  all  in  no  time !  " 

"The  grizzly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "is  a  bird  which 
knows — no  fear.  Like  the  bird — of  freedom — so  often 
carried — chained  to  a  stick — in  Fourth  of  July  proces 
sions — he  roams — supreme  !  " 

"I  wonder  why  he  never  stops  walking?"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  His  proud  spirit — will  permit  of  no  rest,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  "  and  motion  chimes  in  well  with  his  deep — 
meditations." 

They  next  gazed  upon  a  shaggy  lion,  which  also  was 
walking  with  a  ceaseless  tread.  After  looking  for  a 
while  at  a  spotted  tiger,  which  was  lying  where  the  sun 
light  fell  through  the  bars  of  its  cage,  they  passed  in 
succession  by  the  cages  of  smaller  animals,  until  they 
came  to  one  large  cage  labelled  "The  Happy  Family." 
In  it  were  dogs,  pigs,  monkeys,  hyenas  and  innumera 
ble  smaller  animals.  The  monkeys  were  swinging 
violently  to  and  fro  on  ropes  and  trapezes  and  a 


282  AT  WOODWARD'S  GARDENS. 

number  of  delighted  children  outside  of  the  railing 
were  throwing  peanuts  to  them.  A  couple  of  monkeys 
were  sitting  on  a  hog's  back  while  they  looked  up  at 
the  audience,  as  if  for  approval. 

"A  melancholy  picture,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  of 
the  great  world.  The  monkeys  sit  on  the  back  of — 
the  hog.  Similar  scenes  are  observed — in  the  world. 
You  see — a  few  dogs.  You  see  them — in  the  world — 
with  two  legs.  They,  too,  are — suggestive.  The  liy- 
ena  is  a  suggestive — creachaw.  He  is  an — undertaker. 
The  chattering  monkey — up  aloft — is  suggestive.  He 
talks — to  the  crowd.  He  is  a  preacher — or  an  orator. 
The  whole  scene — is  alive — with  melancholy  sugges 
tions.  Oh  !  curious — world  I  " 

"It's  natch'ral  to  life,  Tommy,  darned  ef  it  ain't; 
though  I'd  a  never  thought  it  before,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
beigh. 

They  next  went  up  a  stairway  and  reached  a  plat 
form  along  which  was  a  row  of  cages  containing 
monkeys. 

"Our  venerated  —  ancestahs  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
bowing  with  mock  humility  to  the  monkeys. 

They  then  looked  at  the  hump-backed  camel  and  the 
cow  with  a  tail  on  its  back,  and  at  several  other  freaks 
of  nature.  As  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  getting  tired,  they, 
at  this  juncture,  left  the  place  and  went  to  the  Bald 
win  restaurant,  where  it  took  them  an  hour  and  a  half 
to  finish  the  heavy  dinner  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ordered. 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  283 

CHAPTER  X. 

A    CAT    CONCERT. 

A  FTER  a  few  days  Mr.  Oldbiegh  became  used  to 
Jl\.  his  new  quarters,  and  was  comfortably  settled. 
As  for  Mr.  Geseign,  his  nature  was  such  that  he  felt 
perfectly  at  home  the  first  day,  and  before  the  evening 
of  the  next  was  thoroughly  familiar  with  every  person 
in  the  house ;  but  he  was  quite  uncomfortable  in  one 
respect,  for  his  French  neighbor  in  the  next  room, 
whose  name  was  Monsieur  Gar^on,  was  forever  sawing 
on  a  fiddle,  and,  as  the  squeaking  exercises  he  played 
were  anything  but  music,  Mr.  Geseign's  peace  of  mind 
was  greatly  disturbed.  He  said  nothing  about  the 
matter,  but  resolved  to  put  an  end  to  the  fiddle  playing 
by  some  means  or  other  as  soon  as  an  opportunity 
occurred. 

Mr.  Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  were  sitting  side  by 
side  one  evening  in  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  room,  with  their 
feet  projecting  over  the  window-sill,  and  were  blowing 
the  smoke  of  their  pipes  out  into  the  evening  air  in 
whiffs,  while  both  seemed  to  be  meditating  profoundly. 

u  You   say  it's  got  to  be  done  and  no  help  for  it?" 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  finally,  as  he  held  his  pipe  out  to 
one  side  and  gazed  at  his  companion. 
.     Mr.  Geseign  nodded'his  head  and  said  :  "  You  must." 

"I  must  larn  to  daunce  before  I  can  go  into  ser- 
ciety?"  Mr.  Geseign  nodded.  "I  must  go  to  a 
dauncing-school  and  daunce  with  the  little  boys  and 


284  A    CAT    CONCERT. 

gals  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Geseign  nodded  again. 
"Can't  a  man  get- on  without  dauncing?  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  with  such  a  contraction  of  the  brows  as  to 
show  that  a  mental  struggle  was  apparent^  going  on. 

"If  you  did  not  dance,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "the 
ladies  would  cut  you — cold.  They  feel  no  compassion 
for  a  man  who  can't — dance.  If  you  dance,  they  will 
— die  for  you — they  will — cry  for  you — they  will — sigh 
for  you,  and  for  you  be  read}' — to  expire.  Women  are 
curious — creachaws.  They  dote  on — dancing." 

"  And  to  larn  to  daunce,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I've 
got  to  go  to  dauncing-school  and  daunce  with  the  little 
gals  and  boys  !  Well,  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed —  " 

"Hold!"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "one  escape — yet  re 
mains!  There  is  a  hall  —  on  Third  street  —  called 
Pleasure  Hall.  I  will  take  you  there — and  teach  you  ; 
come  with  me." 

Mr.  Geseign  got  up,  put  on  his  hat  and  started  down 
the  oilcloth-covered  stairway,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  fol 
lowed.  Mr.  Geseign  on  the  way  informed  Mr.  Old 
biegh  that  at  the  place  they  were  going  to  he  would 
find  young  men  only.  That  these  young  men  were 
of  the  class  known  as  "  toughs "  and  "  hoodlums," 
that  there  were  amongst  them  some  persons  of  the 
"  Bad  Man  from  Bodie  "  order,  that  they  would  look  at 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  with  suspicious  and  critical  eyes,  and 
that  while  they  might  playfully  step  on  his  toes,  and 
ask  him  what  he  was  stepping  on  them  for,  with  savage, 
looks,  he  must  not  notice  this.  Mr.  Geseign  added 
that  if  they  ran  against  him,  or  tried  to  trip  him  up 
too  often,  just  to  let  him  know.  He  informed  him 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  285 

also  that  the  meetings  were  often  broken  up  by  certain 
disagreeable  members  of  the  police  force,  but  that  this 
usually  took  place  at  an  hour  later  than  that  to  which 
they  would  stay.  "You  will  learn,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
" with  wonderful — rapidity;  the  music  is  —  good,  and 
the  time  is — perfect." 

When  they  reached  the  place  Mr.  Geseign  gave  a 
consumptive  door-keeper  fifty  cents,  and  they  walked 
into  a  medium-sized  hall,  with  a  well-waxed  floor,  which 
glistened  in  the  dim  light  of  the  oil  lamps  around  the 
walls.  On  the  rough  wooden  benches  a  number  of 
young  men  were  seated  in  their  shirt-sleeves,  while 
between  their  teeth  they  held  cigarettes,  from  which 
they  drew  smoke  into  their  lungs  and  blew  it  forth  in 
a  steady,  measured  stream  into  the  air.  The  panta 
loons  they  wore  were  tight-fitting  and  sprung  at  the 
bottom.  The  hair  of  each  was  plastered  on  his  fore 
head,  forming  a  Mazeppa,  and  bulged  out  behind  with 
the  assistance  of  bear's  oil.  Calico  shirts,  with  large 
stripes  in  them,  seemed  to  be  favored  by  the  persons 
present.  As  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  entered, 
one  of  these  young  men  emerged  from  a  back  room, 
where  he  had  filled  his  mouth  with  water,  and  was 
chasing  another  young  man  of  similar  appearance,  at 
whom  he  finally  squirted  the  water  from  between  his 
teeth.  A  couple  of  men,  one  of  whom  was  teaching 
the  other  the  polka  step,  were  out  on  the  floor,  going 
through  the  exercises  to  the  edifying  music  which  the 
teacher  was  whistling  free  of  charge  for  the  benefit  of 
his  pupil. 

Mr.  Geseign  told  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  each  pupil  had 


286  A    CAT   CONCERT. 

his  own  teacher,  who  went  through  all  the  dances  with 
him,  and  generally  received  ten  dollars  a  month  for  his 
services.  Some  of  the  teachers  had  three  or  four 
pupils,  who  were  taught  on  different  nights  of  the 
week.  Each  teacher  managed  to  live  and  wear  paste 
diamonds.  The  persons  who  were  taught  to  dance 
here  learned  rapidly.  Mr.  Geseign  had  himself  learned 
in  this  way. 

In  a  little  while  the  musicians,  consisting  of  a  pianist, 
a  man  who  played  the  fiddle,  and  a  man  who  beat  time 
with  the  round  of  a  chair,  went  forward  and  took  their 
seats  on  the  platform  at  the  end  of  the  room.  The 
first  dance  was  a  square  dance.  The  music  struck  up 
and  there  was  a  rush  and  a  scramble  for  positions. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  succeeded  in  getting 
"  heads  "  in  one  set.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  a  handkerchief 
tied  around  his  arm  like  many  of  the  others  who  were 
to  act  the  part  of  the  ladies.  In  a  few  moments,  with 
a  frown  on  his  brow,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  deeply  engaged 
in  going  "  forward  and  back,"  and  "  right  and  left," 
and  in  turning  and  walking  in  various  perplexing  direc 
tions,  all  to  the  music  of  that  sweet  air,  "  Tweed le  dum 
dee,  tweedle  dum  dee,  dum  di  do."  At  one  instant  he 
was  bowing  to,  and  at  the  next  he  was  running  into 
the  sour-looking  lady  in v  man's  clothing  opposite  to 
him ;  and  then  he  got  tangled  up  with  the  sides ;  but 
from  all  his  troubles  Mr.  Geseign  succeeded  in  skill 
fully  extricating  him.  The  next  dance  was  a  round 
dance.  Mr.  Geseign  struggled  with  him  until  he  had 
gotten  him  around  the  hall  several  times.  He  went 
through  the  same  performance  at  every  dance  ;  although 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  287 

Mr.  Geseign  perspired  freety,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  stepped 
on  his  feet  on  numerous  occasions,  yet  as  the  latter  fol 
lowed  Mr.  Geseign's  directions,  to  attempt  above  all 
things  to  keep  time  with  the  music,  by  the  end  of  the 
evening  he  had  acquired  a  step  which  approached  the 
step  of  the  dance. 

"  You,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  after  one  of  these  dances, 
"are  heavy  —  quite  so.  But  you  must  learn— and 
though  you  walk — all  over  me — and  leave  me  a  corpse 
— necessity  knows  no  law — not  a  bit.  She's  no  law 
yer  —  but  the  mother  —  of  a  young  fellow  —  named 
Invention." 

After  several  such  lessons  Mr.  Oldbiegh  danced  well, 
and  in  the  course  of  time  danced  extremely  well. 

"  Now,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  one  evening,  as  he  and 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  sat  together  in  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  room, 
"  You  should  have — a  cyclopediah." 

"  What  sort  of  a  animal  is  that  'ar'  ?  "  asked  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  The  most  intelligent  —  of  creachaws,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign.  "  A  perfect  monstrosity — a  freak  of  nature 
—  for  learning.  Editors  —  of  newspapers  —  who  are 
sharp — as  chain-lightning  —  necessarily  so — have  one 
chained  in  the  office  !  " 

"Who  sells  the  critters,  and  what  do  you  feed  'em 
on?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  bewildered  tone. 

"Book  agents,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  with  a  wink. 

"  It's  a  book  arter  all,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  It's  a  whole — library,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  and  you 
need — no  librarian — to  run  it ;  each  man — his  own 
librarian — is  the  motto.  It's  so  extensive — that  when 


288  A    CAT    CONCERT. 

you  take — an  article  from  it — no  one  knows — where  it 
comes  from.  It  will  furnish — a  sermon — or  a  theme — 
for  an  infidel.  It  will  furnish — an  editorial — free.  If 
you  are  going — to  a  dinner — you  can  be — for  the  night 
— a  scientist.  Read  up — under  4  Science.'  You  can 
be — for  the  night — a  philosopher.  Read  up — under 
'Philosophy.'  People  will  be  astonished  —  at  your 
knowledge — of  Zeno  arid  Plato — and  at  your  famili 
arity — with  the  works — by  Pork  and — Bacon.  Won 
derful!"  Mr.  Geseign,  in  further  commenting  upon 
the  excellent  qualities  of  encyclopedias,  went  on  to 
say  that  by  studying  up  an  encyclopedia  a  man  would 
be  prevented  from  telling  the  same  story  or  incident 
which  he  had  forgotten  that  he  had  told  to  the  same 
person  thirty  or  forty  times  before.  "  I  was  in  lore — 
one  time,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  with  a  tendah — young 
creachaw.  I  called.  '  When  in  Monterey — the  fun 
niest  thing  happened,'  said  she.  She  told  the  tale — 
and  I  smiled — as  I  listened.  A  week  later — I  called — 
again.  '  When  in  Monterey — etc.,'  said  she.  I  smiled 
— artificially — as  I  listened.  Later — I  called — again. 
'When  I  was  in  Monterey,  etc.,'  was  the  hideous — 
relation — once  more.  I  smiled — with  pain — as  I  list 
ened.  Later — I  called — again.  '  When  I  was  in  Mon 
terey,  etc.,'  were  the  diabolical — words  of — my  charmer. 
My  hair  stood — on  end.  I  smiled — like  a  corpse — as  I 
listened.  I  fled  —  from  the  house.  She  died  —  soon 
after." 

"  If  a  man  could  only  get  a  little  encyclopedia,"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  he  could  carry  it  with  him  all  over  the 
world  in  his  pocket,  and  be  a  edgercated  snob.  How'd 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  289 

you  learn  all  these  things,  Tommy?  You  must  have 
seen  the  inside  working  of  a  college  somehow  !  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  I  have  learned  them  by 
hard — kicks — and  few  coppers — in  this  cruel  world. 
'Energy,'  said  I — in  early  youth — 'must  be  econo 
mized.'  I  now — economize.  4  A  college  graduate,' said 
I,  4  is  an  ass — quite  so.'  Learning — is  not  obtained — 
chiefly — from  books.  That  we  live — and  we  die — is  all 
the  books  say.  Books  are  but  men — or  manikins — 
talking  in  print.  Of  them — the  world  stands  in  awe — 
because  they're  unseen.  I  scorn  such  hobgoblins — base 
creachaws !  Books  are  the  fashion — and  yet,"  added 
Mr.  Geseign,  profoundly,  "  a  game  of  poker — will  train 
— the  intellect.  Much  study  of  books  will  dwarf — the 
mind.  Learned  men — are  small  creachaws." 

"I  believe  it's  so,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Look  at 
that  'ar'  little  Oldwhistle,  who's  a  scientist.  His  head's 
dwarfed.  I'd  swear  to  it  ariywhar'." 

"  Sad — but  true,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  That's  why  you  took  to  writin',  I  s'pose,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  it  was  the  base  desire — for 
shekels." 

"And  why  don't  you  write  to  be  famous ;  it's  better," 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  would  not  degrade  my  muse — to  write  for  fame," 
said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  I  write  for  glorious — shekels ! 
Fame  is — a  speculator.  Fame  is — an  advertisement," 
said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Fame  is  like — a  patent  medicine 
— which  cures  all  diseases.  When  you  are  as  famous 
— as  that  medicine — your  books  will  sell — by  the  mil- 
18 


290  A  CAT  CONCERT. 

lion.  Give  me,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  becoming  enthusi 
astic,  "  three  hundred  thousand  dollars,  and  I  can  make 
a  man — who  writes  verses — which  are  rot — as  famous 
— as  Tennyson !  A  fact — I  assure  you.  Curious, 
perhaps — but  true/' 

"  It  does  look  as  though  it  might  be  so,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "for  I've  seen  men  who  didn't  dare  to  say  the 
hair  on  their  heads  was  their  own " 

"It  was  not,"  broke  in  Mr.  Geseign.  "A  man's  hair 
— becomes  on  marriage — the  exclusive  property — of 
his  wife ! " 

"So  it  does,  Tommy,  haw!  haw!"  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  while  something  like  billows  was  seen  to  roll 
over  the  surface  of  his  white  vest. 

"A  sad  spectacle,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "but  true. 
Quite  so." 

"  Sartinly  it  are  sad,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  when  a 
man,  especially  a  free  American,  carn't  call  the  hair 
which  grows  out  of  his  head  his  own !  " 

"  I  believe,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  that  that  accounts — 
for  the  many  bald  heads — on  this  beautiful — Pacific 
slope." 

"  How  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Being  constantly  humiliated — by  the  claim  of  their 
wives — the  men  shave  off  their  hair !  " 

"  Ho  !  ho  !  ho  !  ha  !  ha  !  ha  !  "  laughed  Mr.  Oldbiegh ; 
"but  it's  natch'ral  arter  all,  Tommy,  darned  ef  it 
aren't.  I'd  do  it  myself.  I'd  have  my  scalp  skinned 
off  and  I'd  go  and  show  my  bloody  head  to  my  wife 
for  revenge  ! " 

That  night  being  a  moonlight  night,  Mr.  Oldbiegh 


A  CAT  CONCERT.  291 

hired  a  barouche,  and  he  and  Mr.  Geseign  went  out  for 
a  drive.  They  drove  first  up  Market  street.  The  white 
electric  lights  along  the  sidewalk  made  the  night  as 
bright  as  day;  and  the  thousands  of  faces  of  the  people 
moving  along  the  sidewalk  could  have  been  recognized 
by  their  acquaintances.  The  red-bordered  bob-tail  horse 
cars  crossing  the  street  at  an  angle  shone  in  its  glare, 
and  the  rays  of  light  were  visible  as  they  passed  through 
the  air  and  over  the  roofs  of  the  houses  and  fell  on  the 
sign  toward  which  they  were  directed  in  a  perfect 
blaze.  The  chalk  writing  on  the  black  bulletin  board 
in  front  of  the  Weekly  Budget  office  shone  brilliantly. 
The  great  white  sign  on  the  side  of  a  brick  edifice, 
"  The  Weekly  Flash  has  the  largest  circulation,"  and 
the  highly  colored  goods  in  the  store  windows,  the  roar 
and  the  rattle  of  the  wagons  over  the  street,  all  had 
attractions  for  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  In  the  upper  story  of  a 
building  near  the  south-east  corner  of  Third  and  Market 
streets  pictures  were  being  thrown  on  a  canvas  surface 
by  a  magic  lantern.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  the  carriage 
stopped  in  order  that  he  might  make  an  examination  of 
these  displays.  He  was  greatly  amused  by  pictures  of 
men  with  large  noses  and  big  feet,  and  at  the  curious 
antics  they  played  on  the  screen.  He  would  not  allow 
the  driver  to  move  ahead  until  this  free  exhibition  had 
terminated.  Crossing  to  the  opposite  corner,  they 
spent  some  time  watching  a  man  who  was  swallowing 
a  sword. 

They  next  passed  by  the  Baldwin  Theatre,  in  front 
of  which  the  music  was  playing ;  and  they  then  passed 
out  by  the  "  Sand  Lot." 


292  A   CAT    CONCERT. 

"A  scene,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  pointed  to  the 
Sand  Lot,  "  famous  already  in  history.  What  thunder 
ing  tones — of  eloquence — the  sand  here — has  heard  ! 
Beneath  the  walls— of  this  noble  ruin — the  new  City 
Hall — how  we  thundered  !  Our  thunder — filled  this 
air — and  made  this  sand  —  tremble.  'The  Chinese 
must  go  ! ' — words  that  burn — nevah — to  be  forgotten  ! 
'Hay  rope  cravats  —  for  monopolists!'  Beautiful — 
sentiments  !  My  own — idea !  I  loaned  it — to  the  '  Plug 
Hat— Brigade!'  Rich  thought!  'Honorable  Bilks,' 
'  Nob  Hill ' — fine  ideas  !  '  Heartless  corporations ' — 
'money  sharks' — 'land  grabbers' — fine  thoughts — and 
true  to  nature  !  " 

"What's  the  new  City  Hall  for?  What  particular 
kind  of  official  business?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"An  ancient  ruin — a  grotto  for  lovers.  No — the 
original  idea — was  that  there — all  the  county  offices — 
should  be." 

After  riding  out  to  Van  Ness  avenue,  back  to,  and 
then  along  Kearney  street,  they  returned  to  their  lodg 
ing  house.  Mr.  Geseign  had  been  greatly  worried  by 
the  music  of  Monsieur  Gar 9011  of  late  ;  and  when  they 
reached  home,  the}r  heard  the  dismal  tones  of  his 
squeaking  fiddle.  Mr.  Geseign  had  asked  him  the 
day  before  why  he  kept  it  up  so  incessantly.  The 
.Frenchman  replied  that  when  he  first  came  to  the 
house  he  had  been  tormented  by  the  caterwauling  of 
the  cats.  "  Now,"  said  he,  "  I  play  ze  feedle  to  keep 
off  zer  shats ;  and  ze  shat  make  no  more  of  hees  love 
beneath  my  winzer." 

Mr.  Geseign  entered  his  room,  threw  himself  on  his 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  293 

bed  and  tried  to  sleep.  The  Frenchman,  however, 
kept  sawing  away  until  a  late  hour  to  keep  off  the 
cats,  and  Mr.  Geseign,  who  was  becoming  much 
enraged,  began  to  think  that  the  Frenchman  was 
going  to  keep  the  cats  off  all  night.  Mr.  Geseign 
tossed  feverishly  on  his  bed  for  some  moments. 
Finally,  he  remembered  that  in  the  days  of  his  youth 
he  could  imitate  a  cat  so  perfectly  that  he  had  on 
many  occasions,  by  imitating  the  'waul  of  the  female 
cat,  drawn  all  the  Tom  cats  together  around  him, 
whereupon  they  had  fought  violently,  and  as  a  natural 
consequence  made  a  most  unearthly  din.  Mr.  Geseign 
immediately  ran  his  head  out  of  the  window  and  imi 
tated  the  plaintive,  pathetic  and  despairing  cry  of  the 
female  cat.  The  fiddle  in  the  next  room  stopped  as 
suddenly  as  if  the  music  had  been  cut  off  with  a 
carving  knife.  Perfect  silence  now  reigned.  Monsieur 
Gallon  was  evidently  listening  to  determine  whether 
his  senses  had  deceived  him.  Mr.  Geseign,  after  a  few 
moments,  uttered  another  doleful  and  tender  note.  By 
the  sound  which  was  immediately  heard  it  seemed  as  if 
the  Frenchman  had  fallen  backwards  in  his  chair  to  the 
floor ;  and  when  Mr.  Geseign's  cry  was  responded  to 
by  a  Tom  cat  of  a  sentimental  disposition,  standing 
alone  in  the  moonlight  on  a  distant  house-top,  the 
Frenchman  was  heard  rushing  around  the  room  in  an 
excited  manner.  Mr.  Geseign  now  uttered  a  most 
heart-rending  cry,  which  sounded  as  if  it  issued  from 
the  mouth  of  some  helpless  maiden  of  the  cat  species, 
who  was  at  that  moment  in  distress.  It  was  answered 
by  seven  shouts  to  the  rescue,  from  the  mouths  of  seven 


294  A   CAT    CONCERT. 

chivalrous  Toms,  and  they  were  soon  heard  scamper 
ing  over  the  roofs  toward  the  place  from  which  Mr. 
Geseign's  cry  had  been  heard.  Monsieur  Gargon  was 
evidently  in  a  state  of  intense  excitement.  He  threw 
up  his  window  with  a  bang. 

"  Ze  diable  shat,  'disturber  of  ze  peace  of  ze  whole 
neighborhood  I  I  sail  have  hees  blood,  by  Gar !  I 
sail  extract  his  bowel,  by  Gar  !  I  sail  have  ze  whole 
of  hees  blood,  by  Gar !  I  vill  have  never  ze  singing  of 
any  shat.  Not  for  once.  No,  nevair  I "  One  of  the 
Toms  had  gotten  on  the  corner  of  the  woodshed,  and 
after  he  had  been  sitting  there  in  a  state  of  thoughtful 
meditation  for  some  moments,  the  Frenchman  discov 
ered  him.  "  Oh !  bless  you !  How  you  look  like 
Saint  Peter!  Do  you  pray?"  cried  Monsieur  Gargon. 
"  I  see  you,  you  villain  young  shat !  Oh !  1113^  gentle 
man  young  shat,  how  I  love  you  !  I  vill  have  ze  hayer 
of  your  ears  off!  I  vill  have  your  blood!  Can  you 
sing  wizout  blood,  hey?"  Mr.  Geseign  uttered  a 
'waul  again.  "What!"  said  the  Frenchman,  "zare  is 
anozzer?  Oh!  I  see.  Ze  wife  of  zis  one !  Oh!  var 
good !  Is  there  some  childerns  ?  Var  good !  I  send 
ze  whole  family  all  tombling  to  ze  diable  in  one  time ! 
Var  good !  "  The  cat  on  the  corner  of  the  shed  uttered 
a  doleful  cry.  "  Oh  !  ho  !  "  said  the  Frenchman,  "you 
vill  speak,  hey?  Who  told  you  to  talk,  you  fiends? 
You  vill  speak?"  and  he  began  searching  around  the 
room  for  something  to  throw.  "  Oh !  by  Gar,  how 
peetyful ! "  said  he.  "  I  have  nossing  to  shrow,  and 
zare  he  sits ! "  Two  'wauls  were  heard  and  in  an 
instant  three  other  cats  bounced  down  on  the  shed; 


A    CAT    CONCERT.  295 

and  a  second  later  two  cats,  which  were  seen  by  the 
moonlight  to  be  on  a  neighboring  roof,  bristled  up 
their  hair,  and  while  they  caterwauled  hideously,  they 
proceeded  to  mortal  combat.  The  cats  on  the  wood 
shed  below  howled  in  unison.  Those  on  the  roof 
gradually  approached  the  edge  as  they  fought.  The 
Frenchman  watched  them  with  intense  earnestness. 
"  Zay  vill  fall  off,"  said  he  ;  "  it  is  sixty  feet  and  zay 
vill  break  zeir  neck  !  "  At  last  the  cats,  clutching  each 
other,  rolled  off  the  edge  of  the  roof.  "  Hip  !  hoorah ! " 
cried  the  Frenchman,  "  hees  neck  is  broke  !  No,  by 
Gar!  He  is  up  on  ye  ground  and  is  fight  like  ze 
diable  !  By  Gar  I  if  he  vas  fall  ten  sousand  feet  he 
don't  feel  it ! "  By  this  time  the  caterwauling  was 
terrific,  and  delegates  from  distant  districts  were  con 
stantly  arriving.  Their  heads  could  be  seen  in  the 
moonlight  peering  over  the  ridges  of  many  of  the 
neighboring  houses.  Mrs.  Morthington's  window  was 
heard  to  go  up,  and  then  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  went  up,  while 
several  neighbors  looked  out  of  their  windows. 

" What's  the  matter?"  shouted  Mrs.  Morthington. 

"  Ze  air  is  sick  wiz  shats — all  singing  !  "  yelled  the 
Frenchman,  who  was  dancing  around  his  room  in  a 
state  of  distraction.  "  Srow  somesing  down  at  him! 
I  have  got  nossing  in  my  room  to  srow." 

"  What's  the  cause  of  that  'ar'  squawkin*  of  so  many 
cats  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Monsieur  Gabon's  fiddle — has  drawn  them  I  "  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  By  Gar,  heavens  and  ears,  what  is  zat  ?  "  said  the 
Frenchman. 


296  A    CAT    CONCERT. 

At  this  moment  the  cats  on  the  woodshed  set  up 
such  a  'wauling  that  no  answer  could  be  heard.  Un 
able  to  find  anything  else  in  his  room  to  throw,  the 
Frenchman  pulled  off  his  boots  and  threw  one  and  then 
the  other  in  rapid  succession  and  the  cats  scattered. 

"  By  Gar !  "  said  Monsieur  Garc.cn,  "  I  would  go 
barefoot  all  ze  day  of  my  life  to  hit  him  for  deestract 
my  feedling ! " 

In  a  little  while  peace  was  restored  and  all  retired 
to  rest. 

The  next  morning  as  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign 
were  going  down  the  stairs  they  met  Monsieur  Garc,on 
at  the  foot  of  the  stairway.  He  had  just  rung  the  call 
bell  and  in  a  moment  Mrs.  Morthington  appeared. 

"  Madame,"  said  the  Frenchman,  with  a  polite  bow, 
"  I  must  leave  your  house.  You  keep  too  many  shat 
for  me ! " 

"What!"  said  the  lady,  indignantly,  "I  keep  too 
many  cats?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "you  keep  a  whole 
army  of  shat  and  zay  camp  on  ze  roof  of  every  house, 
and  zay  sing  too  many  shat  songs  !  " 

"  I  don't  keep  a  cat !  "  said  the  lady,  indignantly. 

"Oh!  don't  tell — erne,"  said  he  ;  "I  hear  zem  too 
loud  ! " 

"  My  house  is  a  respectable  house,"  said  she  ;  "  the 
most  respectable  in  town." 

"  Pardon,  Madame,"  said  Monsieur  Gallon.  "You 
meestake.  It  is  not  ze  house,  but  ze  shat !  When  I 
play  ze  feedle  and  ze  shat  sing  all  togezzer,  at  once,  I 
am  deesgust ! " 


THE   RULES    OF   SOCIETY.  297 

After  a  good  deal  of  argument  and  loud  talk  on  the 
part  of  the  landlady,  during  all  of  which  the  French 
man  was  very  polite,  he  took  his  valise  and  left  the 
house. 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE     RULES     OF     SOCIETY. 

"  TTTELL,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  one  morning,  as  he 
T  T  and  Mr.  Geseign  sat  in  their  room,  "  you've 
ordered  the  express  man  to  take  our  trunks  to  the 
Palace  Hotel,  and  he'll  be  here  in  a  minute  and  he'll 
take  them  off  to  the  Palace  ;  and  then  we'll  walk  down 
the  street  arter  him  to  the  Palace,  as  big  as  life,  with 
our  heads  up  in  the  air  like  snobs ;  and  then  we'll  walk 
into  the  Palace  arm  in  arm  like  two  snobs,  and  slap 
down  our  handles  on  the  books  as  big  as  life,  yours, 
Lord  Thomas  Geseign  ;  mine,  Mr.  Junius  Oldbiegh, 
Esquire." 

"Both,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,"  with — a  bold — flourish; 
and  in  a  distinguished — and  unintelligible — hand." 

"  Sartinly,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "•  I'm  bobbed  ef  I 
don't  flourish.  But  I'm  afraid,  Tommy,  mine  won't  be 
wrote  very  well.  Say,  Tommy,  how  fine  you  do  look 
in  that  'ar'  stylish  slick  new  silk  hat ! "  added  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  surveying  Mr.  Geseign,  who  was  fitted  out 
in  an  elegant  new  suit  of  clothes.  "  And  that  'ar'  dia 
mond  pin,  set  in  gold,  and  that  'ar'  harnsome  silk  cra 
vat,  and  that  'ar'  dark  brown  coat  without  a  wrinkle 


298  THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY. 

in  it  and  cut  away  as  neat  as  could  be,  and  that  'ar' 
small  gold  watch  chain,  a-glitterin'  in  your  brown  vest, 
and  that  'ar'  slick  white  shirt  and  them  cuffs  with  the 
gold  sleeve-buttons,  and  them  fine  light  pants  with  red 
leather  on  the  heels,  and  the  purple  gloves  and  yer 
purty  silk  handkerchief  with  a  yaller  owl's  head 
'broidered  in  the  corner,  and  your  button  shoes  pol 
ished  to  take  the  shine  out  of  a  lookin'-glass !  Even 
ef  I  hadn't  know'd  it,  I'd  a  sworn  to  your  being  a  lord 
any  whar'." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign;  "dressed  as  a  man — of 
immense  wealth — people — will  soon  notice — the  bril 
liance — and  genius — of  Thomas  Geseign.  They  will 
perceive — the — soul — in  his  eyes.  In  these  clothes — 
they  will  be  astonished — at  his  learning.  Being  in 
this  suit — his  remarks — will  be  quoted — with  applause 
— and  be  stolen — by  thieves.  I — my  kind — and  noble 
friend — am  now — a  wonderful — creachaw  !  " 

"  Don't  you  feel  kind  of  afraid  somehow?  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh.  "I  do  ;  or,  rather,  sort  of  nervous,  'for  I 
don't  fear  no  man  that  walks  the  earth,  as  I'm  a  Ameri 
can,  and  it  aren't  for  them  to  fear  nothing  at  all ! " 

"Afraid  of  the  rabble?"  said  Mr.  Ges<5ign.  "I 
shall  treat  them  —  with  haughty  —  indifference.  I 
always  did — despise — the  rabble  !  I  feel  contempt — 
for  the  low — creachaws  I  " 

"  Haw  I  haw !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  at  Mr. 
Geseign  with  admiration.  "What  a  snob  you'd  make! 
Have  you  called  on  that  'ar'  paper  this  morning  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  I  have  seen  the  editah — 
of  the  Weekly  Flash  and — the  editah — of  the  Weekly 


THE   RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  299 

Budget.  They  are — my  friends.  They  have  known 
me — casually — for  years;  and  have,  perhaps,  an — indis 
tinct  recollection — of  me.  An  article — has  been  writ 
ten — which  appears  to-morrow — in  the  Flash.  It  is 
headed — 4A  Strange  Career! — a  Lord  Exhumed!'  I 
have  written — to  be  published — in  the  Budget— an 
article  of  similar  —  import.  It  is  headed — 'Lord 
Geseign  ! — A  Great  Sensation ! '  I  have  made  arrange 
ments — to  have  you  interviewed — the  next  day." 

"  Darned  ef  I  do  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  I'll  be 
etarnally  bobbed  ef  I  do !  Since  I  was  wrote  up  in 
that  'ar'  Advance  for  a  suspicious  character,  no  more 
newspapers  for  me ! " 

"  But,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  be  known — you  must 
appear — on  their  pages.  Your  portly  figure — your 
heavy  shoulders — your  benevolent  countenance — your 
large  eyes — must  be  criticised — with  close  inspection — 
by  the  members — of  good  society.  After  they  have 
sneered — at  Junius  Oldbiegh — for  a  week  or  so — he 
will  be  admitted — to  good  society.  They  will  send 
you — a  shower  of  cards — of  invitation." 

"And  I've  got  to  be  held  up  like  a  darned  monkey 
in  the  center  of  a  circus,  to  make  a  darned  monkey 
show  for  good  society  to  go  a  grinnin'  arter?  " 

"  The  ordeal,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  'till  the  bell 
wether — invites  you — when  the  others — will  follow. 
Assume  a  countenance — of  brass — my  friend — for  the 
ordeal — of  sneers." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  sigh,  "ef  it  has 
got  to  be,  then  I  suppose  it  might  as  well  be  done ;  and 


300  THE    RULES   OF    SOCIETY. 

the  sooner  it's  over  the  better  it'll  be.  But  all  I've  got 
to  say  is  darn  the  snobs,  and  thar's  the  end  on  it! " 

The  express  man  came  at  this  moment  and  took  the 
trunks  away. 

"  Now,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I  want  you 
to  spend  the  coin  like  water ;  for,  as  you've  seen  on 
takin'  charge  of  my  affairs,  I've  got  more  of  it  than 
any  ten  men  could  spend  in  a  hundred  years,  even  ef 
they  was  all  gamblers ! " 

"Your  harsh  commands,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "shall 
be  obeyed." 

A  handsome  barouche,  for  which  Mr.  Geseign  had 
sent  to  the  best  livery  stable  in  the  city,  now  drove  up 
in  front  of  the  door.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign 
entered  it  and  Mr.  Geseign  threw  himself  back  on  the 
robes  in  the  back  part  of  the  carriage. 

"What's  the  first  thing  to  do,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
leaning  over  toward  Mr.  Geseign,  "when  a  man  gets 
to  be  a  snob?" 

"Become  impudent — and  cheeky — and  cut  your  old 
friends.  Assume  plenty,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  of  dog  !  " 

"What's  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh;  it  aren't 
keeping  dogs,  are  it?" 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "it  is  being — your  own 
dog." 

"  How  do  the  snobs  do  that  'ar'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  By  constantly  comparing  themselves — with  others," 
said  Mr.  Geseign,  "in  such  a  manner. — that  they — by 
the  comparison — are  small — extremely  so.  As  a  con 
sequence — the  snobs — appear  large — extremely  so.  Do 
you  capture — my  meaning?" 


THE    RULES    OF   SOCIETY.  301 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  profoundly ;  "  that's  the 
way  the  snobs  do  it.  What  a  deep  critter  you  are,  arter 
all!"  added  he,  gazing  at  Mr.  Geseign  with  a  look  of 
intense  admiration.  "  You'll  wallop  the  snobs  !  " 

It  had  been  arranged  that  all  business  matters  were 
to  be  left  wholly  in  the  hands  of  Mr.  Geseign.  When 
they  were  assisted  out  of  the  carriage  and  walked  over 
the  carpeted  floor  of  the  office  of  the  hotel,  arm  in  arm, 
the  persons  seated  in  the  large  chairs  beside  the  silver- 
plated  spittoons  around  the  room,  who  were  so  busily 
engaged  in  doing  nothing,  looked  at  them  with  interest. 
The  little  clerk  with  black  eyes  and  black  beard  behind 
the  desk  stared  at  them  steadily  as  they  approached. 
He  was  standing  with  both  hands  on  the  counter,  wait 
ing  for  them  to  speak,  and  was  oblivious  to  the  questions 
of  the  persons  around,  who  lodged  in  the  top  story  of 
the  Palace  and  lived  on  ten-cent  restaurant  meals.  Mr. 
Geseign  wrote  his  name  on  the  register  in  a  neat  hand 
and  with  a  flourish ;  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  his  face 
close  to  the  book  and  his  mouth  open,  drove  the  splat 
tering  pen  slowly  and  painfully  over  the  paper. 

"  Thar' !  It's  done  arter  all,  even  the  E.  s.  q.,"  said 
he,  with  a  smile  of  triumph  on  his  broad  features  as  he 
finished.  "Now,"  said  the  clerk,  "what  rooms  will 
you  have  ?  " 

A  suite  of  four  apartments  on  the  first  floor  was 
selected.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  retired  to  the  rooms  with  Mr. 
Geseign,  preparatory  to  having  lunch  in  the  large 
dining-hall  of  the  hotel. 

The  next  morning  Mr.  Geseign  was  reading  from  the 
papers  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  the  articles  which  had  been 


302  THE    RULES    OF   SOCIETY. 

written.  They  were  intensely  sensational ;  and  while 
they  went  into  no  details,  they  stated  that  he  was  one 
of  the  English  aristocracy,  and  gave  a  skillful  explana 
tion  of  the  life  which  he  was  known  to  have  led  during 
the  past  few  years.  Just  as  he  had  finished  reading 
these  articles,  there  was  a  knock  at  the  door,  and  the 
waiter  brought  in  a  neat  card  with  "  Col.  Glifilling  " 
written  on  it. 

"Say  we  are — not,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "at — home." 

"  Haw !  haw !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  a  course  we're 
not;  we're  in  a  hotel!  Did  the  darned  galoot  write 
that  'ar'  leetle  letter  to  know  if  we  was  stopping  at 
home  ?  "  asked  he,  after  the  waiter  had  disappeared. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  The  remark  was  mine — 
a  poetical — society  lie — which  saves  trouble.  The  lie," 
added  Mr.  Geseign,  "means — your  presence — is  not 
intensely — desired.  Quite  the — reverse.  It  means — 
take  your  foot — from  off  my — threshold — take  your 
mug — from  out  my  doah — base  creachaw !  " 

"  Do  you  know  him  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  have  known  him,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  when  he 
would  not — know  me.  He,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  is  a 
man — about  town  ; — he  is  apparently — without  a  brain ; 
— but  he  is  cunning — and  shrewd ; — quite  so.  A  man 
— about  town — is  a  curious  phenomenon.  The  bosom 
— of  his  shirt — is  spotless.  His  cuffs  are  without — 
blemish.  His  clothes — fit  him  well.  In  his  deceptive 
pocket — he  appears — to  have  coin.  When  shaken — it 
will  rattle.  His  hair — apparently  genuine — is  neatly 
parted — in  the  middle.  In  society — telling  small  scan 
dal — you  find  him — base  creachaw  I  Were  you  to  enter 


THE   RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  303 

— two  houses — at  once — you  would  find  him — in  both ; 
— telling  scandal — in  both.  He  dines — with  the  rich — 
every  day.  The  women — must  have  him.  He's  as 
necessary  —  to  their  happiness — as  the  inevitable  — 
poodle!  Analyze — the  creachaw.  What  is  he?  Lift 
up — his  shirt  bosom.  I  shriek — to  discover.  It's  a 
pad !  Lift  up — his  fair  locks.  I  shriek — to  discover. 
He  is  bald.  Take  the  coin — from  his  pocket.  I  shriek 
— to  announce — for  you  can't.  They  are  keys !  Pull 
off — his  boots.  I  shriek — to  discover  his  feet;  they 
are  bare!  What  is  he?  I  shriek — to  discover.  A 
man — about  town  ! " 

The  next  morning,  at  about  the  same  hour,  there  was 
a  knock  at  the  door ;  and  at  the  same  moment  a  wide 
awake,  bright  young  fellow  walked  into  the  room. 

"  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  I  presume,"  said  he,  as  he  took  a 
seat  on  a  cushioned  chair  opposite  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  I'm 
a  reporter  for  the  Weekly  Flash;  and  as  you  have 
achieved  great  success  in  life  and  have  reached  a  high 
position,  of  course  it  will  be  of  interest  to  our  readers 
to  learn  the  methods  which  you  have  adopted  to  achieve 
this  success." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "you've  got  me  thar'; 
darned  ef  I  know  myself,  arter  all." 

"  I  know,"  said  the  reporter,  "  that  it  would  take  a 
long  time  to  go  into  the  intricacies  of  your  business 
methods ;  but  what  I  desire  is  a  general  outline  of  the 
rules  of  conduct  which  you  have  discovered  to  be  the 
most  practical  and  most  beneficial  when  applied.  I  do 
not  refer  to  what  may  be  called  the  lesser  rules,  pro 
duced  by  observation  upon  extrinsic  matter,  but  I 


304  THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY. 

refer  emphatically  rather  to  your  more  general  con 
clusions." 

"  Say,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  scratching  his  head 
nervousty,  "  carn't  you  let  me  out  of  that  'ar'  ?  I  never 
got  rich  that  way.  I  wouldn't  a  know'd  how." 

"Well,"  said  the  reporter,  "I  understand  your  feel 
ings  of  delicacy,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  we  all  know  that 
business  men  only  get  rich  through  intricate  methods ; 
yet  I  know  that  some  of  your  business  methods  you 
desire  to  keep  a  secret  from  the  world." 

"TharM"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "you've  struck  right 
dead  onto  it !  My  delicacy  aren't  goin'  to  allow  me  to 
tell  it  no  who  w.  No,  sir,  I  wouldn't  injure  the  feelings 
of  no  man  by  explainin'  to  him  I've  got  more  money 
than  he  has.  No,  sir,  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  ef  I  do ; 
— never! " 

"Do  you  endorse  early  rising,  Mr.  Oldbiegh?" 

"  No,  I  always  get  up  late,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Can't  you  give  me  something  without  going  into 
details,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  general  and  speculative 
way  ?  "  said  the  37oung  man,  looking  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
in  a  manner  that  seemed  to  say,  "You  take  the  hint?" 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I  never  have  went 
into  details ;  and  I'm  bobbed  ef  any  man  catches  me 
fooling  in  them  now;  and  as  for  speculatives,  I'm 
darned  ef  I  do." 

"  Now,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  reporter,  "  I  see  I'm 
on  delicate  ground,  so  I'll  change  the  subject.  Where 
were  you  born,  Mr.  Oldbiegh?  " 

"  Now  you  got  me  down  again,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ; 
"  darned  ef  I  know !  " 


THE   RULES    OF   SOCIETY.  305 

44  What  were  your  first  recollections?  " 

"  I  carn't  say  which  was  the  first,"  said  he.  "  I  guess 
it  was  bein'  whopped ;  but  I'll  try  and  think  it  up  ef 
you'll  wait  a  moment." 

"  All  right,"  said  the  young  man,  with  a  smile. 

"  Take  some  of  them  cigars,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
44  while  I'm  a  whoppin'  my  brains  up  a-studyin'  on  it ; 
Tommy  says  they're  the  best  to  be  had  anywhar'." 
The  young  man,  with  the  modesty  common  to  reporters, 
took  one  cigar.  "  Pshaw  ! ''  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  u  aren't 
ther'  plenty  more  in  town?  Stuff  your  pockets  !  " 

The  young  man  obeyed  orders.  "Now,"  said  he, 
with  a  quaint  smile,  "  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  don't  you  remem 
ber  starting  out  for  a  great  metropolis  a  penniless, 
barefooted  boy,  and  sawing  wood  one  frosty  winter 
morning  for  your  first  breakfast ;  and  haven't  you  had 
a  sour  disposition  ever  since,  because  you  had  to  per 
form  honest  manual  labor  when  young  for  a  living — or 
something  of  that  kind?" 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "  yes,  I  do,  too,"  added  he, 
his  face  lighting  up ;  "I  remember  once  my  father 
ordered  me  to  grease  my  saw  and  saw  wood  one  Satur 
day  ;  and  instead  of  doing  it,  I  went  off  with  other  boys 
and  stole  watermelons  and  kept  a  eating  of  'em  'till  I 
was  sick ;  and  when  I  went  home  my  par  whopped  me 
for  not  sawing  the  wood  'till  the  skin  peeled  off,  and  I 
couldn't  ride  horseback  for  two  months  !  " 

44  Yes,"  said  the  reporter,  with  another  quaint  smile, 

"  but  can't  you  relate  something  sensational  about  your 

earliest  experiences,  when  on  the  threshold    of   your 

business  career?     Some  striking  scene  of  hardship  that 

19 


306  THE    RULES    OP    SOCIETY. 

has  embittered  your  life — hardships  that  ordinary  men 
do  not  feel !  I  throw  this  out  as  a  hint.  I  don't  expect 
you  to  confine  yourself  to  details.  I  should  think  you" 
could  recall  something  striking  in  regard  to  your  first 
experiences.  Did  you  ever  take  a  trip  on  a  canal  boat, 
while  walking  barefooted  behind  the  mules  on  a  dusty 
tow-path,  or  anything  of  that  kind?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  I  came  out  to  Californy 
in  Forty-nine  on  a  sailin'  vessel ;  and  they  didn't  have 
a  mule  aboard! " 

The  young  man  was  puzzled.  He  looked  steadily  at 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  with  half  an  idea  that  the  great  business 
man  was  "  stuffing "  him.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  as 
steadily  at  the  young  man  with  a  queer  look  in  his  eye 
that  for  the  moment  confirmed  the  suspicion.  At  last 
an  expression  of  enlightenment,  immediately  followed 
by  a  benevolent  smile,  came  over  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face. 

"  Young  feller,"  said  he,  "  I  see  what's  the  matter. 
You've  took  me  for  a  snob,  arter  all,  haw !  haw !  and 
it's  so,  haw  !  haw !  "  As  soon  as  he  could  recover  him 
self,  he  said :  "  Come,  we'll  have  a  drink  on  that  'ar' 
out  of  the  bottle  Tommy  has  stowed  away  in  the  burrer 
drawer." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  dragged  the  drawer  open,  one  end  at  a 
time,  with  some  difficulty,  and  drew  forth  a  bottle  of 
yellowish  liquid  marked  "  Old  Kentucky  Rye."  The 
reporter  was  captivated  with  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  manner 
and  also  with  his  rye  ;  his  whole  heart  now  went  out  to 
him,  and  he  formed  a  high  estimation  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
character  ; — as  who  would  not  ?  After  drinking  a  glass 
together  they  parted  warm  friends. 


THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  307 

In  a  little  while  Mr.  Geseign  entered. 

"There  is,"  said  he,  "in  this  building — another 
ferocious  creachaw — like  myself — a  lord.  Think  of  it. 
Two  lords !  Contemplate — the  idea.  Will  I  astound 
you — when  I  tell  you — we  have  met  ?  Yes,  sir — we 
have  met !  Think  of  it — two  lords  ;  great  smash !  — 
and  yet  I — survive  !  " 

"  Is  he  a  French  lord,  a  English  lord,  or  a  German 
lord  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  An  English  lord,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  I  thought  so,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  for  they  are  the 
lords.  A  Frenchman  or  a  German  is  nothing  more 
than  an  ordinary  critter ;  but  you  take  an  Englishman, 
Tommy,  with  all  his  blood,  and  he  is  the  Lord  of  Lords. 
That's  the  reason  they've  whopped  all  nations  except 
the  Americans ;  and  they'd  whopped  them  too,  except 
that  nothing  can't  whop  them  !  In  the  other  cases  the 
lords  done  it ;  when  you  see  those  lords  get  together 
and  go  into  battle,  they  never  stop  4  till  they  come  out 
on  the  other  side,  and  then  you  got  to  tie  'em  up  or 
they'll  never  sto'p  goin.'  The  common  people  in  Eng 
land  aren't  nothin'  except  a  sort  of  bootblacks  for  the 
lords.  That's  all  they  ever  pertend  to  be  therselves." 

"  There,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  u  is  your — glittering — 
error.  The  Commons — of  old  England — are  a  grand — 
people.  The  lords  — are  the  barnacles  —  on  the  back 
— of  old  England.  They  are  the  scars — on  the  face — 
of  society.  The  people — of  England — make  grand 
—warriors.  In  the  past — they  had — grand  writers — 
Chris.  Marlowe — who  wrote  a  grand  play — which  was 
cabbaged  by  Goethe  —  and  weakened.  Old  Billy 


308  THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY, 

Shake — noble  old  cock! — Shelley — a,  mass  of  intellect 
— and  sweet  Johnny  Keats.  Grand  thinkers — and 
grand  inventors ; — all  common  people  ; — but  the  lords 
—are  the  ninnies.  I  will  make  a  fearful — admission — 
I— am  a  ninny !  " 

"  I  see,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  turning  over  a 
newspaper,  "  I  see  the  United  States  is  goin'  to  have 
four  more  iron-clad  man-o'-wars  made." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  an  unpleasant — fact." 

"  How's  that  'ar  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Easy  enough,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  We  must  re 
duce — our  expenses.  The  more  ships — we  pay  for — • 
the  less  we  eat.  Your  share — of  the  ship — decreases 
— your  washing.  You  wear — dirty  collars.  Unpleasant 
— idea.  Quite  so.  Already — we  dispense — with  one 
shirt — a  week  and  soapsuds — with  our  cuffs — to  sup 
port  thousands — of  non-producing — creachaws — in  the 
army.  Our  shoes — are  unpolished — while  we  pay  for 
— a  navy — to  take  the  Cabinet — yachting.  Our  dear 
— little  boy — without  a  pair  of  white  pants — travels 
the  street — shocking  sight — while  we  clothe  a  million 
—political  bummahs — in  broadcloth  and  cheek.  While 
we  have — vast  navy-yards — where  thousands  of  crea 
chaws — are  busily  engaged — in  chewing  tobacco — tell 
ing  snake  and  fish  stories — walking  guard — and  turning 
out  to  receive — the  commanding  officah,  our  wife — 
with  incessant  screech — dins  in  our  ears  for  the  bonnet 
— worn  by — her  enemy  !  While  our  baby — keeps  us 
marching — late  at  night — in  cotton  moccasins — and 
shrieks  like  the  foul  fiend — for  costly  paregoric,  we 
are  paying — the  gambling  debts — of  honor — of  young 


THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  309 

noodles — in  the  army.  While  our  beloved  child — 
warbles  its — midnight  notes — and  we  walk, — in  kid 
gloves— -~the  noodle  waltzes — at  our  expense — with  an 
heiress  !  Political  economy — by  Thomas  Geseign." 

44  How's  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

u  Sit  down,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  and  do — what  few 
men  —  ever  do.  Make  a  list  —  of  the  articles  —  indi 
rectly  taxed.  Add  up — the  amount.  Subtract — from 
your  present  cost  —  of  living.  You  will  find  —  you 
could  live  —  on  a  few  shekels  —  a  month  —  without 
taxes." 

"What's  government  good  for  arter  all?"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"Chiefly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "for  that  curious  — 
phenomenon — the  bummali.  Too  much  government — 
and  paupers — go  together.  Geseign  on  Government ! 
Read  him.  A  wonderful — creachaw !  He  is  never 
dry — when  he  has — cash  !  " 

The  following  morning  after  gettilig  out  of  bed,  the 
first  thing  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  was  to  take  up  the 
Weekly  Flash  and  run  rapidly  over  its  pages.  For 
many  moments  he  did  not  seem  to  have  found  what  he 
was  looking  for,  as  he  turned  the  paper  inside  out  sev 
eral  times.  At  last  his  eye  fell  on  an  article  headed : 

A   STRIKING   CAREER! 
ANT  INTERVIEW   WITH  A  GREAT  CAPITALIST! 

WHAT   MR.    OLDBIEGH   HAS   TO   SAY   ABOUT   THE   WAY 
TO    GET    RICH  ! 

A  smile  overspread   the   round   cheeks  of  Mr.  Old- 


310  THE   RULES    OF    SOCIETY. 

biegh,  and  gradually  crawled  up  to  his  ears  as  he  read 
what  follows  : 

"  One  of  our  reporters  had  a  pleasant  interview  with 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  his  reception-rooms  at  the  Palace, 
yesterday.  On  entering  the  rooms  the  reporter  was 
ushered  into  a  large  and  spacious  apartment  where  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  was  found  reclining  negligently  in  a  large 
arm-chair,  with  his  elbow  resting  easily  on  the  table. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  is  a  striking  man  of  about  middle  age, 
perhaps  slightly  inclined  to  be  corpulent ;  and  the  re 
porter  saw  at  once  in  his  clear,  large  blue  eyes  that 
unmistakable  quickness  of  expression  which  denotes  the 
great  financier.  He  is  a  man  who  would  be  picked  out 
in  a  thousand.  The  broad  brow,  upon  which  are  the 
traces  of  intellect;  a  nose  large  enough  to  be  a  sign  of 
talent  and  business  capacity,  and  an  expression  of  com 
mand  about  the  mouth. 

"There  seems  to  have  been  something  dark  and 
gloomy  connected  with  the  early  days  of  Mr.  Old- 
biegh's  business  career ;  and  when  the  reporter  saw 
that  it  hurt  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  talk  about  those  times, 
his  feelings  of  delicacy  prevented  him  from  urging  the 
matter.  This  much,  however,  was  gleaned:  that  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  was  very  poor  at  one  period,  without  the 
necessaries  of  life,  and,  perhaps,  the  story  of  harsh 
struggles,  indomitable  energy,  and  unending  perseve 
rance  has  also  connected  with  it  scenes  of  suffering  and 
deprivation  which  will  never  be  related  to  the  world. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  disagrees  radically  with  Franklin  on  the 
question  of  early  rising,  and  gives  up  all  the  time  he 
can  spare  to  sleep. 


THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  311 

"  Suffice  it  to  say  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  is  now  amongst 
us,  and  is  to  be  ranked  with  the  sterling  men  who  have 
stood  first  iii  our  business  world." 

"  Tommy  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  Mr.  Geseign,  who 
was  washing  his  hands  in  the  next  room. 

"  Coming ! "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  entered  the 
apartment  in  his  shirt-sleeves,  wiping  his  hands  on  the 
towel  as  he  came. 

"  I've  been  interviewed,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  and  it 
aren't  so  hard  to  be  interviewed  arter  all,  because 
the  people  on  that  'ar'  Weekly  Flash  write  so  fine  and 
so  natch'ral." 

"Nothing,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "is  hard — after  it  is 
done.  You  are  always — astonished — to  find  how  easy 
—  it  was.  Things  are  hard  only  —  before  —  they're 
attempted."  Mr.  Geseign  took  the  paper  and  read  the 
article  through. 

When  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  looked  at  Mr.  Geseign 
abstractedly  for  some  moments,  he  suddenly  remem 
bered  that  he  was  quite  hungry;  and  pulling  his  large 
watch  out  of  his  pocket,  he  glanced  at  it  and  said : 

"Nine  o'clock,  Tommy.  It's  long  after  breakfast 
time." 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  the  rules  of  society — will 
not  permit  us — to  eat — 'till  eleven-thirty.  That  is — 
the  fashionable — hour." 

"  But  s'pose  a  man  is  hungry  as  a  thousand  wolves  ?  " 

"  He  must  remain,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  as  hungry — 
as  a  thousand — wolves — 'till  eleven-thirty.  The  law— 


312  THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY. 

is  a  most  important  law — of  society  ; — uevah — to  be 
broken." 

"  Is  that  'ar'  the  way  with  all  the  snobs  ?  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "I  have  seen — one  hun 
dred  snobs  —  licking  their  chops  —  and  watching  the 
clock — hungry  as  fiends.  They  will  nevah  eat- — how 
ever — till  eleven-thirty.  No  man — can  induce  them— 
to  break — the  rule." 

"  Say,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  serious  tone, 
uis  that  'ar'  the  rule?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I'm  so  hungry  I 
think  I'll  swear  off  being  a  snob !  " 

"  You  should  learn,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  control 
— your  stomach." 

"  Say,  Tommy,  how  about  that  carriage  and  nigger 
and  livery?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I  have  purchased — a  carriage,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 
"I  have  also  —  discovered  —  a  dark-complexioned  — 
creachaw — for  a  footman.  As  a  piece — of  black  art — 
he  is  striking.  I  have  employed — my  old  friend  — 
Pitser  Coop — to  drive.  I  have  purchased — for  each — 
a  plug  hat.  And  their  uniform — is  ready." 

"  Have  you  got  your  coat  of  arms  painted  on  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  I  had  two  —  coats  of 
arms.  One — a  roostah — standing  on  a  brass — shield 
— crowing — for  all — he  was  worth.  This — however — 
I  did  not  use.  The  other — a  brass  serpent — coiled  on 
a  sheep — of  silver — with  brass  fangs  protruding — ready 
— to  strike.  This — is  on  the  doah — of  the  carriage/' 


THE   RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  313 

"  What's  the  meaning  of  that  'ar'  ?  " 

"  That  I — who  am  audacious — carry  a  fang — also. 
My  own — idea." 

"  Say,  Tommy,  you  said  I'd  got  to  wear  false  teeth  ?  " 

"Certainly,'' was  the  reply.  "A  social — necessity. 
The  way — of  the  world.  Society — demands  it.'" 

"  Aren't  serciety  all  monkeys,  arter  all  ?  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  So  I've  got  to  have  the  old  ones  drawed  out  and 
new  ones  drove  in?  " 

"Where  the  old  ones,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "have 
become  ancient — and  deformed." 

"  And  I've  got  to  let  that  'ar'  dentist  pull  away  and 
tussle  with  my  teeth,  till  my  boots  come  up,  to  be  a 
snob  ?  " 

"Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  A  crying — social 
necessity.  But  one  pull  —  and  one  shriek  —  and  the 
tooth — is  out ; — the  dentist — revenged.  The  monstah 
— has  performed — his  atrocious — deed." 

"No,  sir!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "I'll  be  etarnally 
bobbed  ef  I  do !  If  my  teeth  was  to  be  pulled,  it 
ought  to  been  done  when  I  was  a  boy." 

"If  you  do  not,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "you  will  be — 
alone.  In  a  vast  concourse — of  elegant  people — with 
false  teeth — you  will  stand — all  alone.1' 

"  That's  better  than  go  to  a  dentist,  and  have  your 
teeth  pulled  and  squawk ; — for  I'd  like  to  see  a  man 
who  wouldn't  squawk  when  his  boots  was  coming  up  !  " 

The  carriage  to  which  Mr.  Geseign  had  referred  was 
ready  that  afternoon ;  so  it  was  arranged  that  they 
would  drive  out  the  Cliff  House  road.  Mr.  Geseign 


314  THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY. 

informed  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  he  had  taken  a  box  at 
Emerson's  Theatre. 

"  We  will  see — Tommy  Flagg.  I  knew — Tommy," 
said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  when  we  both — were  stars — as  yet 
undiscovered — by  scribbling  astronomers.  I  recognized 
his  genius — and  he  recognized — mine.  The  fate — of 
genius — when  allied — with  a  lamentable — lack  —  of 
cash.  His  jokes — are  his  own.  They  are — original. 
We  both — are  witty.  But  one  difference — exists — 
between  us.  He's  black — and  I'm  white.  Had  we — been 
rich — we  would  have  been — Tennysons — and  Whit- 
tiers — instead  of  minstrels.  His  wit  —  in  a  book — 
would  have  made  him — a  Dickens.  Mine — would  have 
made  me — a  Shakspeare.  My  tuilliance — however — 
was  wasted — in  the  exhilarating — occupation — of  loaf 
ing.  Thomas  Geseign — will  remain  still — unknown. 
No  slab — to  mark — his  wretched — grave.  No  ghouls 
— to  disturb — his  brilliant—bones.  The  world — is  filled 
— with  genius  that  dies — quite  so.  I  have  seen — the 
shade  of  Dickens — in  many  a  minstrel — with  bones  in 
his  hand.  I  saw  Shakspeare — as  a  bootblack — uncon 
scious — of  his  greatness.  I  saw  Byron — as  he  drove — 
a  milk  cart — one  day.  Alas  !  what  a  fall !  I  have  seen 
Tennyson — and  Wilde — in  every  field — of  labor — by 
the  hundreds  ; — all  ready — to  write  elegies — on  the 
Queen's  poultry — very  cheap  !  " 

"  Is  that  'ar,  so?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  It's  so,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  earnestly. 

"  What  a  set  of  monkeys  the  world  is,  arter  all ! 
Human  beings  is  nothin'  but  little  gals  and  boys  with 
out  their  pinafores." 


THE    RULES    OF    SOCIETY.  315 

That  evening  when  they  returned  from  their  drive, 
they  found  the  cards  of  some  forty  callers.  Mr.  Geseign 
held  the  cards  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Examine  them,"  said  he  ;  "  the  elite." 
"  What's  the  flite?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "who's  he?" 
"A  race — we're    about — to  discover.      To  describe 
them — and  their  wretched — existence — and    their  fol 
lies,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  would  be  a  long — and  pathetic 
— story." 

"  Let  her  out,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  I  like  stories." 
"The  elite,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "are  a  motley- 
crowd.  Take  a  bird's-eye  view — of  this  motley — crowd. 
What  a  Gorgon — it  is  !  The  sun  shines — on  this  motley 
— crowd ;  — the  wind  blows — on  this  motley — crowd ; — 
and  the  rain  pours — on  this  motley — crowd.  As  the 
sun  shines — on  the  elite,  you  see — painted  cheeks — you 
see  enameled — faces.  Delightful — prospect !  You  see 
aged  creachaws — painted — and  perfumed.  Enchanting 
— scene  !  You  see-^-youthful  creachaws — painted — and 
— perfumed.  You  perceive — a  dude — with  a  painted 
cheek.  A  queer — phenomenon — and  a  satire — on  men. 
You  perceive — other  dudes.  Phenomena — likewise. 
You  perceive  a  fop  ; — ladedah — creachaw.  You  per 
ceive — an  ancient  fop — likewise  ladedah.  You  perceive 
— a  poodle  dog.  Curious  creachaw.  You  perceive 
other — poodle  dogs.  The  companions — of  females. 

"And  what  do — these  curious — creachaws — all  do — 
you  may  ask.  They  do  nothing — I  reply — these  e*lite. 
What  do — these  curious  creachaws — then  say  ?  You 
perceive  the  .fop — how  he  chatters.  You  perceive  the 
dude — at  times — he  will  speak.  You  perceive — that 


816  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

painted— old  hundred  —  how  she  chatters  —  with  a 
tongue — like  a  snake  !  What  then — does  this  crowd — 
of  creachaws — remark  ?  Nothing — I  reply.  It  is  simply 
— an  ebullition — of  vanity.  Of  painted — vanity.  Of 
hideous — vanity.  .  Of  enameled — vanity.  Vanity — of 
vanities.  Quite  so.  They  criticise — one  another.  They 
are  backbiting — one  another.  They  tell  lies — about 
each  other.  Oh  !  tend  ah — companions  !  They  are  the 
flite  I " 

On  looking  over  the  cards,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  found  that 
of  Major  Hawkins.  On  the  large  marble-topped  table 
in  the  center  of  the  room  Mr.  Geseign  found  a  note 
addressed  to  Lord  Geseign  and  another  in  the  same 
handwriting  addressed  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  The  pleasure 
of  their  company  was  requested  on  board  the  yacht 
"Black  Hawk"  the  next  day,  which  was  Saturday. 
The  letter  went  on  to  state  that  there  was  to  be  a  race 
between  the  "  Chispa "  and  the  "  Evangeline,"  and 
that  it  was  the  purpose  of  the  "  Black  Hawk  "  to  follow 
after  them.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  discussed 
the  matter,  and  finally  concluded  to  go. 


CHAPTER    XII. 

A     YACHTING     TRIP. 

rpOMMY,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  the  next  morning, 
?     when    he   awoke,    "what's   o'clock?*'     As   the 


A   YACHTING   TRIP.  317 

brown  wooden  shutters  were  closed,  both  rooms  were 
dark. 

"  It's  about,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  yawning  as  he  spoke, 
"it's  about  three — o'clock.  It  won't  be  long  till — 
daylight." 

"Well,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  I'm  as  hungry 
again  as  a  thousand  wolves,  and  I've  got  to  have  some 
thing  to  eat  though  it  are  against  all  the  rules  of 
serciety !  It  aren't  three  o'clock,  either,"  said  he, 
dragging  his  watch  from  under  his  pillow  by  its  heavy 
chain  and  looking  at  it.  "  It's  seven  o'clock  by  my 
watch,  which  is  correct  to  a  second." 

"  Hold  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  who  arose  from  his  bed, 
whereby  it  was  seen  that  while  his  legs  were  bare, 
they  were  filled  with  sinews.  Mr.  Geseign  then  rang  a 
bell  in  the  wall.  "  We  will  have — some  caffay — in  bed." 

"  What's  caffay  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  are  it  a  dish 
what  the  aleat  are  in  the  habit  of  eating?  " 

"  Precisely,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  they  eat  it — from 
a  cup.  It  much  resembles — the  more  common  sub 
stance — called  coffee.  None  but — the  elite — can  dis 
tinguish — the  difference." 

"  It's  queer  I  aren't  never  drunk  none  of  it,"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

14  You  have,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "often; — but  your 
rude — and  uncultivated  tastes — did  not  distinguish — 
the  difference.  Now  that — you  are  a  snob — in  full 
bloom — a  gaudy  snob — you  will  drink — caffay!  " 

A  waiter  answered  the  bell  and  in  a  few  minutes 
returned  with  two  cups  of  coffee.  Both  Mr.  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  were  sitting  up  in  bed  awaiting  his 


318  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

arrival.  As  the  reader  has  never  seen  Mr.  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  posing  in  this  interesting  condition 
before,  we  will  inform  him  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  hair 
was  in  that  tangled  and  knotty  state  in  which  he  has 
often  seen  his  own  or  his  wife's  hair  at  that  hour  of  the 
rnorningv  or  in  which  he  will  often  see  that  of  his 
superhuman  angel  after  marriage. 

"  Hold  ! — base  creachaw  ! — hold  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign 
to  the  negro  boy,  who  was  about  to  leave  the  room, 
after  having  placed  the  last  cup  of  coffee  in  Mr.  Ge- 
seign's  hand.  "  Down — on  your  knees — base  crea 
chaw  !  You  have  filled — my  caffay — with  the  corpse — 
of  a  fly!  There  has  been — a  murder — committed! 
Oh  !  horrors  !  See  his  poor  eyes — as  he  swims — in  my 
caflay  ; — he  is  dead.  See  his  pale  cheek — it  is  stained 
—with  red  blood  !  And  yet — you  would  have- — me 
eat — this  corpse — to  hide — your  crime  !  Base — mon- 
stah ! " 

"  It  wan't  me,  Massa.  I  nebber  done  it,"  said  the 
boy.  "It  wuth  the  cook  done  it,  if  anybody  done  it. 
But  I  think  the  fly  done  it  hisself." 

"Your  foul — deed,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "turns  my 
stomach.  Bear  out — his  ashes.  Poor — creachaw !  " 
As  soon  as  the  coffee  had  been  carried  out  Mr.  Geseign 
looked  earnestly  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh  for  some  moments, 
and  then,  as  if  suffering  from  an  inspiration,  broke  out 
in  the  following  remarks:  "This  is  the  hour — devoted 
by  nature — to  the  pathetic — birds.  The  sun  falls — on 
the  dewy  grass — on  the  glittering  leaf — on  the  blossom. 
That  weazened — old  creachaw — the  world — now  weeps ; 
— and  the  dew-drops — are  her  tears.  Vast  scene — of 


A   YACHTING   TRIP.  319 

pathos  !  At  this  delightful — hour — the  venturesome 
worm — is  speedily  beheaded — by  the  beak — of — the 
bird.  Oh  !  lesson  of  wisdom  !  Greenhorns  arise — at 
this  hour — to  get  wealthy — and  wise.  Let  them  gaze 
— on  the  worm  !  Silly  creachaws  !  they  do  not — get 
rich.  Where,  then — is  the  liar — I  may  ask?  Oh! 
beautiful  hour  !  The  small  boy — rubs  his  eyes — and 
arises, — pursuant— to  the  yells — of  his  father — and 
the  shrieks — of  his  mother — and  builds  the  fire — with 
kerosene.  It  saves  labor; — or  else — he  catches  fire — 
and  burns — to  a  cinder.  In  either  case — he  is  satisfied 
—the  poor,  angry  boy. 

"  At  this — enchanting  hour — the  fairy  creachaw — of 
last  night's  ball — may  be  seen.  Tired  creachaw  !  Oh! 
look  now — and  die  !  My  eyes — grow  bloodshot.  My 
tongue  hangs  from — my  mouth — and  my  hair — is  trans 
fixed — when  I  gaze — on  the  scene.  Oh  !  where — are 
her  locks  ?  They  hang  there — on  the  window.  Oh  ! 
pitiable — sight!  Where  are — her  coral  teeth?  In 
that  glass — of  watah — on  the  mantel.  Oh  !  tragic — 
spectacle  !  Where  is  she — the  creachaw — who  would 
not  say  shoes — lest  it  should  mean — her  ankles? 
Where — is  she  ?  I  demand  it !  With  the  air  of  a 
queen — five  hours  later — perceive  her — tread  over  the 
carpet — shedding  locks — as  she  walks.  Perceive  her 
hair — in  her  eyes  ; — her  scalp — on  the  window.  Fairy 
creachaw  !  What  is  she  ?  A  dream  !  Gaze  on  her  ! — 
a  dream  !  What  are  the  locks — on  the  window?  A 
small  dream  !  And  those  teeth — now  bathing — in  t!  e 
tumbler?  A  dream.  I  assert  it!  Poetical  hour  !" 


320  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

At  nine  o'clock  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  were 
helped  into  their  carriage  by  their  liveried  footman. 

"  Pitser,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  drive  to  the  wharf — 
in  South — San  Francisco — from  which — the  yachts 
start." 

"  Yes,  my  lord,"  said  the  driver,  who  had  received 
several  lessons  in  private  from  Mr.  Geseign.  They 
left  a  crowd  of  people  staring  at  their  fine  carriage 
with  wide-open  eyes,  as  they  drove  out  to  the  street. 

It  was  one  of  those  still,  balmy  mornings,  when  the 
air  seems  to  be  absolutely  without  motion.  The  winds 
which  had  been  sleeping  through  the  night  were 
not  yet  awake ;  and  the  white  clouds  in  the  south 
eastern  sky  were  like  ships  becalmed  on  the  clear  blue 
atmosphere  of  heaven.  The  smoke  from  the  iron 
works  on  First  street  arose  in  black,  curling  masses, 
straight  up  to  the  sky.  The  atmosphere  was  so  still 
that  the  everlasting  rattle  of  the  hammers  in  the 
boiler  shops  was  heard  as  distinctly  as  if  they  were 
just  at  hand.  They  drove  along  Howard  to  Fourth 
street,  and  down  Fourth  street  to  the  large  brick  build 
ing  in  which  are  the  offices  of  the  Central  Pacific 
Railroad ;  and  after  that  they  began  to  wind  in  and 
out  of  small  streets  so  rapidly  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  lost 
his  bearings  entirely.  Finally,  after  passing  over  a 
plank  road,  lined  with  bales  of  hay  on  either  side,  they 
suddenly  emerged  on  a  wharf,  under  the  bowsprit  of  a 
large  ship,  upon  which  two  sailors  were  engaged  in 
scraping  with  their  knives. 

"I  say — my  son!"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  calling  to  one 
of  them. 


A   YACHTING  TRIP.  321 

"  Aye,  aye,  sir  ! "  said  the  party  addressed. 

"  Do  you  know— the  yacht— called  4  Black  Hawk  ? ' 
asked  Mr.  Geseign. 

44  There  she  is,"  said  the  man,  pointing  to  a  dark 
schooner,  lying  at  anchor  on  the  blue  surface  of  the 
bay,  about  one  hundred  yards  from  the  wharf. 

Her  mainsail  was  hauled  up ;  but  the  peak  was  down, 
and  her  jib  was  hauled  half  way  up.  A  streamer  was 
at  the  top  of  the  mainmast,  and  the  American  flag 
was  lying  on  the  white  top  of  the  companion  hatch. 
The  bow  of  the  yacht  was  keen  and  had  a  beautiful 
curve ;  and  on  either  side  of  the  bow  was  gilt  filagree 
work.  She  had  very  little  rake,  and  while  she  ran 
with  extreme  swiftness,  instead  of  going  over  the 
swells,  she  ran  through  them  ;  as  a  natural  consequence, 
she  took  a  good  deal  of  water  aboard. 

44  Seems  to  me,  Tommy,  she  has  very  big  masts  for 
so  small  a  boat.  Do  you  think  there's  any  danger  of 
her  upsetting?" 

44  No — man,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 44  can — foresee.  The 
chief  pleasure — of  yacht  racing — is  the  danger. 
Yachting  men — as  a  rule — are  fast  fellows.  They  are 
willing — -to  die  !  " 

44  How's  that  'ar'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  Some  of  them,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  44  are  men — dis 
appointed — in  love — poor  creachaws — and  ready — to 
die.  Others — are  old  bloods — tormented  with  gout— ^ 
which  the  springs — will  not  cure — and  ready — to  die. 
Others — old  graybeards — who  dye  every  day — to  de 
ceive — the  young  females.  As  they  fail — to  deceive — 
the  young  creachaws — they  are  ready — to  die.  There 
20 


322  A    YACHTING   TRIP. 

are  men  also — whose  wives — have  brutal — dispositions 
— and  want  to  keep  them — at  home.  They  therefore 
go  yachting — that  death — may  relieve  them  I  " 

"  Who  have  got  the  fastest  yachts  ?  " 

"  The  most — reckless,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  There 
are  three — of  them — owned  by  three — desperate — 
lovers ! " 

"  What  makes  the  yachts  most  dangerous?  " 

ki  Like  men — who  are  dangerous,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"  they  are— cranky." 

"Is  that  'ar'  'Black  Hawk'  cranky,  I  wonder?" 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "She  looks  to  me  fearful  cranky 
for  a  little  boat.  Say,  Tommy,  do  you  think  it's  going 
to  blow  hard  ?  " 

"Why?"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "Have  you  dismal — 
forebodings?  Do  you  picture — yourself — a  ghastly — 
corpse — a  companion — of  fishes — hobnobbing — with 
sharks  ?  Would  you  rather — not  go  ?  " 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "Arter  I'm  started  into 
a  thing,  I  go  ahead  and  don't  stop  for  no  man,  sharks 
nor  nothing;  but  I'd  ruther  not  be  eat,  or  be  a  floating 
corpse,  to  be  eat  up  arterwards  by  crabs  and  fishes  and 
eels  and  sharks,  and  be  the  first  dinner  they  had  in 
three  weeks  !  Darned  ef  I  do  !  " 

Mr.  Geseign  waved  his  handkerchief  to  a  man  who 
was  scrubbing  the  brass  work  on  the  yacht.  The  man 
thereupon  dragged  a  little  cockle-shell  of  a  boat  tied 
to  the  stern  of  the  yacht  alongside  and  got  into  it; 
and  in  a  moment  the  little  boat  was  cutting  rapidly 
through  the  water  as  he  rowed  toward  the  wharf.  Mr, 
Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  got  out  of  the  carriage. 


A   YACHTING  TRIP.  323 

"  Pitser,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  you  may  be  here — at 
nine — to-night ; — and  wait — till  we  return." 

"Yes,  my  lord/'  said  the  man.  He  then  touched 
his  hat  and  the  darkey  touched  his  and  they  drove  off. 

"Where — are  the  rest — of  the  company?"  said  Mr. 
Geseign. 

"They  are  late,  sir,"  said  the  man.  "There  they 
are  now,"  added  he,  as  several  carriages  dashed  out  of 
a  neighboring  street  and  came  on  the  wharf  with  a 
loud,  roaring  noise.  Some  twenty  gentlemen  and  ladies 
were  soon  standing  on  the  wharf,  and  the  servants 
took  baskets  from  the  carriages,  in  some  of  which  were 
seen  the  necks  of  bottles,  which,  one  could  judge  by 
the  color  of  the  liquid  alone,  appeared  to  hold  vinegar. 

"  Lord  Geseign,  I  presume  ?  "  said  a  little  man,  walk 
ing  up  with  outstretched  hand.  "  I  am  Captain 
Hobbhouse." 

44  The  gentleman — to  whom — we  are  indebted  ?  "  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  The  debt's  on  my  side,"  said  the  Captain.  "  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  I  presume  ?  "  added  he,  giving  the  forefinger 
of  his  other  hand  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
looked  long  and  steadily  at  the  forefinger  without 
taking  it.  "  Shake  !  "  said  the  Captain. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "  I  aren't  in  the  habit 
of  shaking  fingers!  When  I  shake,  I  shake  whole 
hands ! " 

"  Oh  !  "  said  the  Captain,  giving  his  whole  hand. 

44  Thar' ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  gripping  his  hand 
firmly,  while  a  forgiving  smile  played  on  his  features. 

44  Commodore  Slaughterbull !  "  called  the  Captain. 


324  A    YAOHTIHG    TRIP, 

"Ship  ahoy!"  said  the  Commodore,  a  gentleman 
very  prominent  in  the  butchering  business. 

"  Let  me  introduce  you  to  my  friends,  Lord  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh."  They  shook  hands.  "  Commo 
dore  Mumblehead  !  "  said  the  Captain. 

"Ship  ahoy  !"  said  the  Commodore. 

"  He  is  our  Vice-Commodore,"  said  the  Captain  in  a 
low  tone  to  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Lord  Geseign  and  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  my  friends  and  guests,"  said  the  Captain. 
"  Now,"  said  he  to  Mr.  Geseign,  "  I  will  introduce  you 
to  our  Admiral.  He's  a  wonderful  man.  He's  in  the 
fruit-packing  trade,  and  does  the  biggest  business  in 
the  world.  Oh !  Admiral !  " 

"  Ship  ahoy  !  "  said  the  Admiral. 

"  Heave  alongside,  I  want  to  board  you,"  said  the 
Captain.  "  Admiral  Cancramrner,  let  me  acquaint  you 
with  my  friend,  Lord  Geseign."  The  Admiral  came 
forward  and  presented  his  forefinger  to  Mr.  Geseign. 
Mr.  Geseign,  with  the  rest  of  his  hand  closed,  held  out 
one  finger  also.  The  Admiral  looked  sternly  at  Mr. 
Geseign.  Mr.  Geseign  looked  as  sternly  at  the  Ad 
miral.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  stood  at  one  side  with  a  pleasant 
smile,  of  an  extensive  character,  on  his  features.  The 
Admiral,  in  the  presence  of  all  the  company,  who  were 
gazing  steadily  at  both  parties,  at  last  opened  his  hand 
and  took  Mr.  Geseign's  finger. 

"Lord  Geseign,"  said  the  Captain,  "  Lieutenant  Gun 
shot  Wound  ;  Captain  Glover  ; — ah  !  I  am  forgetting 
the  ladies." 

"  That's  the  way  with  you  sailors,"  said  a  stout  lady, 
who  had  four  diminutive  mouse-colored  dogs,  two  of 


A    YACHTING   TRIP.  325 

which  she  carried  in  her  arms ;  another  she  compelled 
her  disgusted  husband  to  carry,  and  the  fourth  was 
under  her  dress  and  out  of  sight. 

"  Lord  Geseign,  Mrs.  Captain  Glover.  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
Mrs.  Captain  Glover." 

"  Lord  Geseign,"  said  the  lady,  "  happy  to  know  you. 
Oldbiegh,  glad  to  know  you."  The  lady  was  one  of 
peculiar  appearance.  She  had  a  piece  of  silk  lace,  of 
black  color,  over  her  head,  and  over  that  a  fly-away 
hat ;  and  her  face  had  on  it  that  pure,  and  beautiful 
pink  tinge  which,  like  Bulwer's  ideal,  while  it  is  sup 
posed  to  be  natural,  is  yet  superior  to  nature.  "  Old 
biegh,"  said  the  lady,  walking  over  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
"  I  like  your  looks,  and  intend  to  patronize  you."  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  bowed  profoundly,  and  took  off  his  broad- 
brimmed  hat,  but  said  nothing.  "Do  not  notice  the 
Captain,  if  he  looks  crossly  at  us.  Although  he  is  a 
man  of  violent  disposition,  yet  I  manage  him  com 
pletely.  I  call  him  my  dear  little  bullet-head.  Don't 
I,  dear?"  said  the  lady. 

"What?"  said  her  husband,  coming  forward  with  a 
sour  look  on  his  face,  as  if  he  anticipated  something 
disagreeable. 

"Don't  I  call  you  my  bullet-head?" 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  with  an  expression  of  disgust  on  his 
features,  as  he  walked  off  again. 

Two  other  carriages  now  arrived.  Four  more 
commodores  got  out,  and  three  Mrs.  Commodores. 

"Lord  Geseign,"  said  the  Captain,  "the  Hon.  Mrs. 
Dash,  wife  of  one  of  our  most  noted  Justices  of  the 
Peace,  and  her  friend,  Mrs.  Supervisor  Cludger," 


826  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

Mrs.  Cludger  was  of  English  descent. 

"  Are  you  long  from  Hingland,  M'Lud  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  It  is  some  time,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  Then  Mr. 
Geseign,  being  asked  if  he  had  travelled,  replied  in  the 
affirmative,  and  gave  some  of  those  delightful  and 
enchanting  "word  pictures,"  which  are  seen  only  by 
travellers  of  experience ;  and  the  "  unfair  sex,"  as  Mr. 
Geseign  had  had  the  audacity  to  call  them  while  com 
menting  on  their  characteristics  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  list 
ened  with  close  attention  to  every  word  he  uttered. 

"I've  been  hawfully  confined,  'ere,  hin  Hamerica," 
said  Mrs.  Cludger.  "  In  Hingland  we  go  out  with  the 
'ounds  on  an  'orse  and  get  some  fresh  hare,  don't  you 
know.  Everything  is  so  narsty  'ere  in  Sarn  Fran 
cisco." 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign ;  "  the  pitiable— and  narsty 
creachaws  —  are  so  low — and  narsty — in  Sarn  Fran 
cisco — don't  you  know.  Quite  so." 

"  Have  you  'ad  any  news  from  'ome  lately,  M'Lud  ?  " 

"Urn?" 

"  'Ave  you  'card  from  'ome,  M'Lud  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  That  is — yes ; — I  have 
heard  from  M'Lud — Catchumquick — of  the  death — of 
my  brother  Chawles — while  riding — at  the  Darby.  I 
have  come — into  —  the  entail.  Yet  I'm  sorry — for 
Chawles — don't  you  know.  He  was — such  an  awfully 
— jolly  lahd.  It  was  that — that  killed  him." 

"  It's  hawfully  jolly,"  said  Mrs.  Cludger,  "  to  'ear 
from  'ome." 

"  Urn  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 


A   YACHTING   TKIP.  327 

"  It's  so  hawfully  jolly  to  'ear  news  from  'ome, 
M'Lud." 

"  It  is — enchaunting,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  While 
residing  away — I  could  hear  of  my  own  death — at 
home — without  a  murmur." 

"  I  don't  like  yachting,"  said  the  lady. 

"N'more  do  I,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  I  don't  think  the  roads  in  Sarn  Francisco  are  good 
for  driving,  M'Lud,"  said  the  lady. 

"Urn?"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Hi  don't  think  the  roads  hare  good,  your  ludship." 

"N'more  do  I,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  His  Mr.  Holdbiegh  han  Hinglishman  ? "  inquired 
the  lady. 

44  Urn  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

44  His  Mr.  Holdbiegh  han  Hinglishman,  M'Lud?" 

44Naw,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Gentlemen,"  said  Captain  Hobbhouse,  "we'll  go 
aboard  now,  as  I  believe  everybody  has  arrived." 

A  large  white  boat  took  them  all  aboard  the  yacht, 
after  making  several  trips.  Several  other  yachts  were 
resting  silently  on  the  surface  of  the  bay ;  and  boats 
with  flags  at  their  sterns  were  seen  going  off  from  the 
wharves  to  the  yachts,  with  ladies  and  gentlemen  in 
them.  The  yachts  all  had  their  white  sails  up.  A 
tug-boat,  with  the  steam  buzzing  out  of  her  safety- 
valve,  was  also  resting  on  the  water  not  far  from  the 
yachts;  and  sounds  of  discord  from  the  steam-piano 
on  a  ferry-boat  in  the  distance  came  floating  over  the 
blue  water.  Suddenly  the  boom  of  the  mainsaii.  c  e  the 
"Black  Hawk"  straightened  out  the  sheet,  and  a  iat- 


328  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

tling  was  heard  on  the  sliding  bar;  a  moment  after  a 
black  riffled  spot  on  the  surface  of  the  water  showed 
that  the  wind  was  beginning  to  rise.  A  little  later  a 
white  yacht,  with  a  jib  mainsail  and  topsail  set,  ran  off 
before  the  wind  clown  the  bay,  and  curved  off  toward 
a  boat  out  on  the  bay,  with  a  red  flag  on  it,  which  was 
the  starting  point.  The  "Ariel,"  the  most  beautiful 
yacht  of  them  all,  was  now  seen  coming  down  the  bay, 
carrying  a  large-sized  "  bone  in  her  mouth,"  and  salt 
water  sailors  on  her  deck.  The  people  on  all  the 
yachts  were  very  gay,  and  on  several  the  young  ladies 
and  gentlemen  were  singing.  The  Captain's  son  on 
the  "  Black  Hawk "  had  a  banjo,  and  commenced 
thrumming  negro  melodies  upon  it;  before  long,  he 
had  most  of  the  people  on  board  singing. 

"  My  Lord,"  said  the  Captain,  after  the  yacht  was 
under  way,  and  after  he  had  turned  over  the  wheel  to 
one  of  the  men,  "  let  us  go  forward  into  the  cuddy  and 
splice  the  main  brace." 

Mr.  Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  forward  into 
the  cuddy,  and  in  a  little  while  the  gentlemen  began 
to  mysteriously  disappear,  one  after  another,  from  the 
deck.  The  married  ladies  and  their  daughters  were  so 
busily  engaged  in  discussing  Mr.  Geseign,  "  who," 
Mrs.  Cludger  said,  "  'ad  the  haccent  of  the  oldest  'ouse 
in  Hingland,"  that  they  did  not  notice  the  disappear 
ance  of  the  males.  The  ladies  were  all  in  a  high  state 
of  rapture  over  Mr.  Geseign,  when  one  of  them  dis 
covered  the  absence  of  her  lord  and  master.  The  other 
ladies  thereupon  discovered  that  their  lords  and  mas 
ters  also  were  absent.  An  ever-increasing  din  of 


A.    YACHTING    TRIP.  329 

was  immediately  heard.  Some  one  looked  down  the 
companion  hatch,  but  the  gentlemen  were  not  in  the 
cabin.  As  the  companion  hatch  hid  the  forward  part 
of  the  vessel  from  the  view  of  the  ladies,  who  sat  in  a 
semi-circular  space  behind  it,  no  one  had  seen  them  go 
into  the  cuddy.  Several  had  been  seen  to  get  up  on 
the  deck,  look  abstractedly  out  over  the  water  some 
moments,  and  while  the  head  of  the  observer  had  been 
turned  momentarily  away,  in  each  case  they  had  dis 
appeared.  The  question  was  where  were  they  ?  Had 
they  all  fallen  overboard  ?  Although  the  supposition 
was  improbable,  one  timid  lady  feared  they  had.  What 
was  to  be  done  ?  A  venturesome  lady  solved  the  diffi 
culty  by  rising  and  going  forward.  Looking  down 
the  small  hatchway  into  the  dark  apartment  beneath, 
she  saw  the  gentlemen  all  in  a  bunch,  holding  upturned 
empty  bottles  to  their  mouths.  What  their  object  was 
in  performing  this  strange  act,  we  can  only  conjecture. 
As  there  was  nothing  in  the  bottles,  they  may  have 
been  performing  some  of  those  heathenish  mysteries 
still  commonly  practised  by  old  sailors. 

Mr.  Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  on  the  forward 
deck  and  Mr.  Geseign  was  pointing  out  to  Mr.  Old 
biegh  the  islands  in  the  bay,  Mt.  Tamalpais,  and  the 
other  attractive  features  of  the  scenery. 

"  I  have  been  to — Indiah,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  I 
have  seen  —  the  bays  of  Indiah.  I  have  been  —  to 
Chinah.  I  have  seen — the  cunning  Chinaman — in  his 
junk — on  his  bay.  Such  scenery — is  attractive — and 
poetical.  I  have  been — on  other  bays — of  the  world. 


330  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

The  scenery — is  attractive.  Quite  so.  But  the  bay — 
of  San  Francisco — is  superior!" 

Mrs.  Glover  took  charge  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh  as  soon  as 
the  gentlemen  returned  to  the  after  part  of  the  schooner, 
when  she  came  and  sat  down  beside  him,  placing  one 
*of  her  dogs,  which  was  rapidly  getting  sick,  between 
them.  The  rest  of  the  ladies  took  charge  of  Mr. 
Geseign.  They  found  him  ready  to  discuss  any  sub 
ject  from  the  north  pole  to  the  south  pole  and  from 
east  to  west. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  the  picture  of  Shakspeare 
in  the  last  edition  of  his  works,  gotten  out  by  the 
Shakspeare  Club  of  London  ?  "  asked  one  of  the  young 
ladies. 

44 1  consider  it,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  who  had  not  seen 
the  picture,  "  a  poor  likeness." 

"  Why  ?  "  asked  the  young  lady. 

41  It  makes  him,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  have  a  pale — 
and  melancholy  look — like  a  supernatural — creachaw. 
My  idea — of  William,"  added  Mr.  Geseign,  "is  that 
he — was  a  jolly — good-natured — young  fellow.  He  did 
not — have  the  inevitable  —  high  forehead.  On  the 
street — he  would  never — have  attracted — your  notice. 
He  was  a  common — looking  creachaw : — because  your 
distinguished — looking  creachaw — is  an  ass  *  He  looked 
— like  other — men.  He  talked — like  other — men.  He 
did  not  bargain — for  a  cabbage — in  verse.  No  one — 
wished  to  sit — at  his  feet — and  be  taught.  He  did  not 
have — the  idiotic  stare — of  a  genius — in  his  eyes.  He 
was  a  commonplace  —  and  ordinary  creachaw  — in 
appearance, — but  a  wide  awake — man  of  business." 


A   YACHTING   TRIP.  331 

"  Oh !  Lord  Geseign  !  How  can  you  speak  so.  I 
know  I  should  have  just  worshipped  him ;  I  could 
have  sat  at  his  feet  and  looked  up  into  those  great 
deep  eyes,"  said  the  young  lady. 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "you  would  have  liked — 
your  young  fellah — at  the  front  gate — on  a  moonlight 
night — much  better.  Your  young  fellah — would  have 
appeared — the  most  brilliant." 

"  Oh !  no,"  said  the  young  lady.  "  I  could  have  sat 
at  his  feet  and  looked  into  the  genius  of  those  deep 
eyes  forever !  I  know  I  could  !  " 

"  You,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  could  not.  His  eyes — 
were  not  deep — but  about — the  size  of — small  beads — 
or  those  of  a  cat — not  large — like  those  of  sheep  !  " 

A  dash  of  spray  came  down  like  a  shower  of  rain 
on  the  after  part  of  the  deck,  from  over  the  bow,  and 
put  an  end  to  this  interesting  conversation  ;  and  the 
ladies  commenced  covering  themselves  with  shawls. 
Mr.  Geseign  got  under  the  same  shawl  with  the  pretti 
est  young  lady  on  board.  The  racing  yachts  were 
about  half  a  mile  ahead  and  were  careening  till  their 
gunwales  were  under.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  climbed  up 
to  the  weather  gunwale  and  looked  with  suspicion 
upon  the  near  approach  of  the  water  to  the  lower 
gunwale.  The  wind  was  constantly  freshening,  and 
the  yacht  was  cutting  through  the  water  at  such  a  rate 
that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  in  his  excitement  could  feel  his 
heart  slowly  climbing  up  into  his  throat.  The  "  Black 
Hawk  "  was  not  in  the  race,  but  notwithstanding  this 
fact  she  had  been  creeping  upon  those  that  were,  during 
the  last  half  hour,  and  now  three  of  them  were  abreast 


332  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

of  her  and  to  her  windward.  The  lee  rail  of  the 
"  Black  Hawk  "  was  constantly  under  water  ;  she  was 
fairly  flying  through  the  swells,  which  were  gradually 
increasing  in  size  as  they  approached  the  Golden  Gate, 
and  as  she  did  not  rise  over  the  swells  but  ran  through 
them,  she  was  in  a  perfect  shower  of  water.  Mr.  Old- 
biegh  was  still  perched  on  the  weather  gunwale  of  the 
yacht  and  was  holding  to  the  shrouds.  The  ladies 
motioned  to  him  to  come  down,  and  especially  did 
Mrs.  Glover  beckon  to  him  to  that  effect;  but  although 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  soaked  to  the  skin,  he  could  not  be 
induced  to  move.  The  "  Chispa,"  the  "  Evangeline  " 
and  the  "  Black  Hawk  "  were  close  alongside  of  each 
other,  and  in  the  intensity  of  his  excitement  Mr.  Old 
biegh  lost  all  fear. 

"  Say,  Tommy !  "  shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  you  see 
that  'ar'  critter  a-driving  the  '  Evangeline  ?  '  I'll  be 
etarnally  bobbed  ef  it  aren't  one  of  them  'ar'  doods ! 
It's  got  on  gold-rimmed  eye-glasses,  darned  ef  it  aren't ! " 

The  "  Evangeline  "  and  the  "  Black  Hawk  "  were  at 
this  time  side  by  side.  The  "  Evangeline  "  now  came 
about  very  gradually,  making  nearly  one  hundred  feet 
in  doing  so.  The  "  Black  Hawk  "  also  came  about 
suddenly  and  gained  nothing  by  the  movement.  When 
she  bore  off  on  the  other  tack,  the  "  Evangeline  "  was 
some  distance  ahead.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  had  in  the 
meantime  crawled  up  on  the  other  side,  was  intensely 
excited.  Looking  steadily  at  the  helmsman  for  some 
moments,  he  suddenly  shouted,  "  Whop  'em  up ! " 
While  standing  up  and  holding  to  the  shrouds,  he  pro 
ceeded  to  go  through  a  number  of  curious  antics  in  his 


A    YACHTING  TRIP.  333 

excited  state.  He  took  off  his  hat  and  waved  it,  and 
as  the  "  Black  Hawk  "  gradually  drew  up  alongside  of 
the  "  Evangeline,"  which  had  taken  in  her  topsail  when 
she  came  about,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  hurrahed  at  the  top  of 
his  lungs.  While  looking  steadily  at  the  persons  aboard 
the  "Evangeline,"  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face  fell.  Mr.  Old- 
whistle,  with  a  comforter  around  his  neck,  a  gray  shawl 
over  his  shoulders  and  spectacles  on  his  nose,  was 
there.  Yes,  and  now  with  a  spy-glass  at  his  eye  he 
was  making  a  minute  and  critical  examination  of  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  himself,  as  if  he  considered  him  a  scientific 
specimen. 

"  Thar'  it  is  !  Thar'  it  is !  "  shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
immensely  excited.  "  Thar's  the  yaller  dog  out  yacht 
ing  !  Thar's  the  yaller  soap  !  Whop  her  up !  Whop 
her  up  ! " 

As  the  "  Black  Hawk  "  slowly  bore  by  the  "  Evan 
geline,"  Mr.  Oldbiegh  waved  his  hat  to  Mr.  Oldwhistle, 
and  hurrahed  and  moved  about  the  deck  in  such  an 
excited  manner  that  Mr.  Geseign,  seeing  that  he  was  in 
danger  of  falling  overboard,  seized  him  by  the  coat 
collar  and  dragged  him  away  from  the  side  of  the 
schooner.  After  they  had  passed  the  "  Evangeline," 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  with  a  beaming  countenance  came  back 
and  sat  down  with  the  ladies. 

"  Well,"  said  he,  with  a  beautiful  smile  of  triumph 
covering  the  whole  of  his  features,  "  we've  whopped  the 
dood  and  the  yaller  dog,  both  o'  them  !  " 

The  yacht  was  now  run  up  into  the  wind,  the  sheets 
were  payed  out,  and  in  a  moment  she  was  running  off 
before  the  breeze  like  a  scared  witch.  The  swells  had 


334  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

grown  rather  heavy  and  with  her  bow  pillowed  on  the 
top  of  one  of  them  and  the  waves  rolling  out  on  either 
side  of  her  bow,  she  would  run  fifty  feet  before  her  bow 
would  go  down  between  the  swells  again.  This  slow 
up  and  down  motion  soon  made  the  ladies  sick,  and 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  was  standing  near  the  bow  with 
Mr.  Geseign,  suddenly  said : 

"Say,  Tommy,  I  must  have  eaten  somethin'  which 
has  gone  and  disagreed  with  me,  for  I  feel  as  if  my 
whole  stomach  was  a-coming  right  up  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  at  that  moment  puffing  violently 
on  a  cigar. 

"  Throw — the  filthy  weed,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  point 
ing  to  the  cigar,  "overboard.  No  wonder  you're — 
sick." 

44  Oh,  Tommy,  I  do  feel  so  sick,  as  sick,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "as  though  I  was  going  to  die  !  I  believe  I 
must  a-been  poisoned,  Tommy ! "  and  he  sat  down  on 
the  deck.  But  relief  soon  came  and  he  recovered  his 
composure. 

All  conversation,  strange  to  say,  had  ceased  on  the 
part  of  the  ladies.  They  all  held  their  peace.  Their 
faces  had  on  them  a  melancholy  expression,  and  they 
looked  as  if  they  were  in  mourning  for  some  deceased 
friend.  The  facetious  young  man  was  at  this  moment 
talking  about  feeding  the  fishes,  and,  with  a  smile  on 
his  countenance,  was  discussing  the  qualities  of  raw 
pork ;  but  he  suddenly  stopped,  and  with  a  look  of 
gloom  on  his  features  went  rapidly  forward  for  some 
mysterious  purpose.  All  were  lying  about  in  a  limp 
condition,  and  there  was  a  woe-begone  expression  on 


A    YACHTING  TRIP.  386 

their  faces  that  is  indescribable.  One  young  lady,  with 
a  hopeless  look  on  her  pale  face,  regardless  of  those 
present,  was  lying  with  her  open  mouth  against  the 
Byron  collar  of  her  dude  lover.  He  also  wore  an  un 
happy  expression. 

But,  as  the  old  maxim  has  it,  "it  is  a  long  lane  that 
has  no  turn,"  and  soon  they  were  running  along  under 
the  lee  of  the  Marin  county  shore.  While  the  wind 
seemed  as  strong  and  the  yacht  appeared  to  be  moving 
as  rapidly  as  ever,  there  were  no  swells  to  make  the 
passengers  seasick,  and  they  all  speedily  recovered. 
While  they  were  running  toward  Sansalito  Mrs.  Glover 
got  up  on  the  deck  and  started  forward  for  some  un 
known  reason,  when  stubbing  her  toe  against  a  cleat 
on  the  deck,  she  fell  overboard.  Mr.  Geseign,  who  was 
standing  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  side  at  the  stern  of  the 
yacht,  immediately  dived  into  the  bay  without  taking 
time  to  remove  his  plug  hat.  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  the 
intention  of  following  him,  attempted  to  take  his  coat 
off  first,  but  in  his  struggle  to  remove  the  garment, 
tumbled  overboard  backwards. 

The  yacht  shot  ahead,  and  the  shrieks  of  the  many 
females  on  board  rent  the  air ;  the  gentlemen  shouted 
to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  not  to  give  up,  some 
thing  that  neither  had  the  slightest  intention  of  doing 
in  a  hurry.  However,  the  yacht  was  again  run  up  into 
the  wind,  a  man  got  into  the  tender,  and,  to  make  a 
long  story  short,  in  the  course  of  time  the  point  was 
reached  where  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  were 
struggling  with  Mrs.  Glover,  who  seemed  to  be  desper 
ately  engaged  in  trying  to  drown  them  both.  They 


386  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

were  taken  into  the  tender  and  ultimately  arrived 
aboard  the  yacht,  Mr.  Geseign  minus  his  plug  hat  and 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  in  his  dripping  shirt  sleeves.  A  fire  was 
built  in  a  stove  in  the  cuddy  forward,  and  Mr.  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  went  there  to  dry  their  clothes. 
Their  lady  friends,  who  had  locked  themselves  in  the 
cabin  with  Mrs.  Glover,  kindly  contributed  various 
articles  of  clothing,  which  were  sent  forward,  and  in 
which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  were  clad  until 
their  own  garments  were  dry,  which  happened  before 
they  reached  Sansalito,  for  the  yacht  was  kept  tacking 
off  and  on  for  an  hour  or  two.  The  ladies  also  contrib 
uted  between  them  an  outfit  for  Mrs.  Glover ;  and  in 
due  course  the  anchor  of  the  yacht  descended  with  a 
rattling  sound  into  the  waters  of  the  bay  of  Sansalito. 

Captain  Hobbhouse  had  a  brass  toy  cannon  forward, 
about  a  foot  and  a  half  long,  which  was  charged  with 
as  much  powder  as  is  usually  put  into  a  musket.  The 
Captain  ordered  one  of  the  men  to  go  forward  and  fire 
this  off.  The  ladies  put  their  fingers  in  their  ears  as 
the  sailor  touched  off  the  cannon.  A  number  of  yachts 
were  anchored  about  the  bay,  amongst  others  the 
"  Ocean  Bird,"  the  Admiral's  yacht.  The  Admiral  was 
now  seen  to  march  forward  on  the  deck  of  his  vessel 
with  a  courageous  and  daring  stride. 

44  Isn't  he  a  love  of  an  Admiral,  Mr.  Oldbiegh?"  said 
Mrs.  Glover,  who  was  nestling  close  up  to  Mr.  Old 
biegh  ;  44  he's  so  dignified  !  " 

The  Admiral,  with  those  dignified  movements  notice 
able  in  great  warriors,  now  got  on  his  knees  on  the  deck 
of  his  vessel,  scratched  a  match  on  the  leg  of  his  trous- 


A   YACHTING   TKIP.  337 

ers  and  touched  off  his  cannon,  by  way  of  an  answering 
salute  to  the  veteran  Captain  of  the  "  Black  Hawk." 

Mrs.  Glover  suddenly  discovered  that  her  four  mouse- 
colored  dogs  had  disappeared.  Upon  making  search  it 
was  found  that  during  the  rough  weather  they  had  taken 
to  the  berths  in  the  cabin. 

"  Captain  !  "  shouted  Mrs.  Glover  to  her  husband  on 
making  this  discovery. 

"Well,  Mrs.  Glover?"  said  her  husband. 

"  Why  didn't  you  look  after  my  poor  little  pets?'' 

"I  had  to  look  after  myself! "  said  the  Captain,  in  a 
sour  tone. 

"Oh I  you  horrid  man  !  You  are  absolutely  good  for 
nothing  at  all !  "  said  Mrs.  Glover.  "  What  can  I  do  to 
reform  you,  you  dear  little  bullet-head?"  added  the 
lady,  looking  affectionately  at  her  husband.  The  Cap 
tain  walked  away  morosely. 

Mr.  Geseign  looked  steadily  at  the  round,  powdered 
and  enameled  face  of  Mrs.  Glover,  which,  by  the  way, 
had  been  injured  by  the  water;  at  her  stout  figure,  and 
at  the  outstanding  short  curls  around  her  forehead,  and 
then  asked  a  young  lady  who  was  sitting  by  him  who 
she  was. 

"  She  is  a  curious  character  and  one  of  the  leaders  of 
society,"  was  the  reply. 

"  And — her  husband  ?  What  on  earth — is  he  ?  "  asked 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Oh  !  "  said  the  young  lady,  "  he's  not  much  of  any 
body  ! " 

"  How  could — he  be?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "And  yet 
— he  resembles — the  hero  of  a  dime — novel — in  which 
21 


838  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

the  characters  are — the  pirate  with  the  bloody — hand 
— Merciless  Ben — with  the  evil — eye  and  Silly  Sam — 
the  ragged  fiend  !  Our  friend — is  the  man  with — the 
nightmare, — the  hero — of  the  tale  !  " 

A  waiter  in  a  white  jacket  proceeded  to  set  the  table 
in  the  cabin.  It  was  about  three  o'clock  in  the  after 
noon  and,  as  everyone  had  recovered  from  sickness, 
they  naturally  felt  very  hungry.  Some  rock  cod  were 
heard  frying  with  a  sizzling  sound  in  the  cook's  galley 
in  the  forward  part  of  the  schooner,  and  a  delightful 
odor  was  wafted  aft  to  the  nostrils  of  the  hungry  indi 
viduals  there  assembled  by  an  almost  imperceptible 
breeze. 

After  the  guests  sat  down  at  the  table,  the  first  few 
courses  disappeared  with  marvellous  rapidity.  The 
white  and  red  wines  from  California  vineyards,  the 
most  delicious  wines  of  the  world,  soon  made  both  ladies 
and  gentlemen  talkative  and  happy.  In  this  delightful 
state  it  took  but  little  to  set  the  table  in  a  roar.  Any 
thing  from  a  deranged  countenance  to  a  dismal  pun 
served  the  purpose ;  and  as  a  consequence  the  faces  of 
some  of  the  witty  young  men  were  constantly  being 
deranged.  When  one  youthful  individual  of  fifteen 
got  into  such  convulsive  laughter  that  Mr.  Geseign  had 
to  pick  him  up  by  the  coat  collar  and  deposit  him  on 
the  deck  before  he  would  cool  off  and  cease  to  choke, 
the  company  was  much  amused.  When  a  comical  young 
man  desired  to  know,  with  an  injured  look,  which  of 
the  ladies  across  the  way  was  stepping  on  his  toes, 
whereat  all  the  ladies  suddenly  drew  their  feet  back, 
producing  quite  a  shuffling  sound  as  they  did  so,  there 


A    YACHTING    TRIP.  339 

was  a  prolonged  state  of  amusement.  Another  wag  said 
thereupon  that  it  seemed  as  if  all  the  ladies  had  done 
it.  The  first  young  wag  was  much  pleased  by  this 
remark,  but  when  the  second  wag  got  off  the  antiquated 
joke  implying  the  fact  that  the  first  wag's  feet  must 
necessarily  have  been  large,  the  first  wag  looked  discon 
certed  and  began  to  metaphorically  pummel  his  brains 
for  a  reply.  But  the  reply,  as  usual  in  such  cases, 
came  too  late. 

The  guests  sat  at  the  table  for  about  two  hours, 
during  which  time  Mrs.  Glover  patronized  Mr.  Old- 
biegh  immensely,  and  made  her  husband  immensely 
angry  as  a  consequence.  She  also  disgusted  that  un 
happy  personage  by  asking  him  questions  in  a  loving 
tone,  which  put  him  in  a  ridiculous  attitude.  Under 
the  effect  of  these  two  causes  for  disgust  the  Captain 
waxed  wroth  and  continued  to  wax  more  and  more 
wroth  during  the  course  of  the  dinner.  This  mani 
fested  itself  in  the  numerous  angry  glances  thrown  at 
.the  oblivious  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  After  dinner  was  over 
the  Captain  took  Lieutenant  Gunshot  Wound  aside. 

"Wound,"  said  the  Captain,  "did  you  notice  that 
fellow?" 

"What  fellow?"  asked  the  Lieutenant. 

44  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain.  "I  have  a  great 
notion  to  blow  my  cigar  smoke  in  his  eyes !  If  you 
were  in  my  fix,  would  you  ?  " 

"He  saved  your  wife,"  said  the  Lieutenant. 

*'  It  don't  make  any  difference ;  he  is  showing  too 
much  attention  to  her,"  said  the  Captain,  who  may 


340  A    YACHTING    TRIP. 

have  considered  himself  to  have  been  injured  by  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  heroic  act. 

"  What  did  he  call  you?"  asked  the  Lieutenant. 

"  Call  me  !  "  said  Captain  Glover,  angrily.  "  Noth 
ing — nothing,  sir  !  " 

"  Well,"  said  the  Lieutenant,  "  if  he  called  you 
nothing,  I  don't  see  that  you  have  any  particular 
reason  to  blow  smoke  in  his  eyes." 

"  Wound,  is  it  nothing  to  make  an  ass  of  a  married 
man  in  public  ?  "  said  his  friend.  "  You're  always  in 
too  big  a  hurry.  Wait  till  you  hear  me  through.  The 
puppy  has  been  flirting  with  my  wife.  Now,  you  see, 
I'm  in  a  heated  condition,  and  I  don't  like  to  act  with 
out  advice.  What  I  want  to  know  is  whether  it  is  my 
duty  as  a  soldier  and  a  man  of  honor  to  blow  my  cigar 
smoke  in  the  puppy's  eyes  !  " 

"  Hush  !  "  said  the  Lieutenant ;  "  don't  talk  so  loud  ; 
he's  right  over  there  and  may  hear  you.  No,  I  wouldn't 
blow  any  smoke  in  his  eyes.  Your  wife  is  able  to  take 
care  of  herself." 

"  That  isn't  the  point,"  said  the  fidgety  Captain,  in  a 
bitter  tone.  "  I  can't  bear  to  stand  here  and  see  him 
flirt.  It  grates  on  my  nerves  and  I  can't  stand  it;  and 
yet  as  long  as  he  flirts,  I  feel  it  my  duty  to  stand  here 
and  watch  him.  It  makes  me  wild.  Blast  it,  I  can't 
tstand  this  any  longer ! "  said  the  Captain,  as  he  saw 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  bow  profoundly  to  his  wife.  "Wound, 
I  mu>t  puff  smoke  in  the  puppy's  eyes.  I  must  do  it !  " 

The  Lieutenant  argued  with  him  at  length,  and  at 
last  the  Captain,  who  seemed  to  be  dissuaded,  went  to 
the  forward  hatchway,  crawled  down  into  it,  and  took 


A    YACHTING   TI41P.  341 

a  heavy  swig  at  a  private  bottle,  which  he  carried  in  his 
inside  breast  pocket,  with  the  intention  of  soothing  his 
ruffled  feelings.  Now,  instead  of  producing  this  effect, 
it  produced  the  opposite  one ;  and  in  ti  little  while  the 
gentleman  went  aft  and  commenced  walking  round 
and  round  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  puffing  a  cigar  violently  as 
lie  did  so,  while  he  wore  a  murderous  expression  on  his 
face.  Not  only  was  Mr.  Oldbiegh  astonished  at  this 
performance,  but  everybody  else.  The  Captain  con 
tinued  to  pace  around  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  gradually  blowing 
his  smoke  closer  and  closer  to  that  gentleman.  What 
catastrophe  would  have  happened  nobody  can  tell,  if 
the  Lieutenant,  who  had  been  watching  him,  had  not 
come  forward  and  taken  him  by  the  coat  sleeve,  telling 
him  he  had  something  special  to  say  to  him  and  led  him 
to  the  forward  part  of  the  vessel. 

"Let  me  go  !  "  said  the  Captain.  %i  I  must  puff  my 
cigar  in  his  face, — I  know  I  must,  and  no  man  shall 
prevent  me!  Have  a  drink?"  said  he,  suddenly 
changing  the  subject,  as  he  drew  his  flask  out  of  his 
pocket. 

"  No,"  said  the  Lieutenant. 

44 1  will,"  said  he,  throwing  his  head  back  and  drink 
ing  off  the  contents  of  the  bottle.  "  Say  !  "  added  he, 
as  he  grasped  the  lappel  of  the  Lieutenant's  coat,  while 
he  looked  at  him  with  a  wicked  expression  in  his  eye. 
"Do  you  know  why  I  took  such  a  big  drink?  Because 
I'm  mad.  And  when  I'm  mad,  I'm  dangerous, — see  !  " 

The  Captain  now  sat  down  on  the  deck  and  leaned 
his  head  back  against  the  foremast,  and  with  a  gloomy 
expression  on  his  face  became  as  silent  as  a  corpse. 


342  A   YACHTING   TRIP. 

Thinking  it  safe  to  loave  him  in  this  condition,  the 
Lieutenant  went  to  the  after  part  of  the  vessel  and 
joined  the  ladies.  By  this  time  it  was  growing  dark. 
The  red  clouds  in  the  west,  which  had  followed  the 
sunset,  had  first  changed  to  a  leaden  hue  and  then,  as 
the  night  approached,  faded  from  sight.  There  was  one 
of  those  lulls  in  the  conversation,  which  seem  to  occur 
almost  instantaneously  at  times,  even  in  large  assem 
blies.  The  silence  thus  produced  was  suddenly  broken 
by  Captain  Glover,  who  commenced  singing,  in  a  doleful 
tone,  "She  is  Fooling  Thee!'"  On  looking  forward, 
the  ladies  saw  him  sitting  on  the  deck  with  his  legs 
hanging  over  the  port  bow.  Mrs.  Glover  shrieked  and 
fell  back  into  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  arms.  Captain  Glover 
witnessed  the  whole  proceeding. 

"Oldbiegh,"  said  he,  "let  her  'lone,  sh-she's  false  I " 
The  Captain  hammered  his  heels  against  the  side  of 
the  schooner,  shook  his  head  in  a  melancholy  manner 
and  then  broke  out  in  the  following  poetical  words,  the 
ripe  fruit  of  his  own  imagination,  which  he  chanted  in 
the  same  melancholy  and  dismal  tone : 

"Oldbiegh,  she's  false 
And  she  is  fooling  thee!" 

The  lady  with  a  shriek  withdrew  herself  from.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  who  was  greatly  embarrassed  by  the  situa 
tion.  The  liquor  which  the  Captain  had  taken  was 
producing  more  and  more  effect  on  him  every  moment. 
He  was  now  seen  with  his  head  hanging  down  on  his 
chest  and  his  backbone  in  a  curved  state,  and  one  of 
the  gentlemen,  fearing  that  he  would  fall  overboard, 
went  forward  and,  catching  him  under  the  arms  from 


A   YACHTING   TRIP.  343 

behind,  assisted  him  to  stumble,  with  his  heels  far  in 
advance  of  his  body,  back  toward  the  cabin  and  down 
the  companion-way,  when  he  stowed  him  comfortably 
in  one  of  the  berths. 

There  was  an  embarrassing  state  of  silence  again 
amongst  the  ladies  in  the  after  part  of  the  vessel.  But 
at  last,  owing  to  the  efforts  of  Mr.  Geseign,  this  silence 
was  driven  away  by  the  merry  peals  of  laughter  pro 
duced  by  his  witty  remarks.  The  ease  and  good  feel 
ing  thus  produced  were  doomed  to  be  broken  into  again 
by  Captain  Glover,  for  at  the  end  of  ten  minutes  lie 
was  seen  slowly  crawling  up  the  stairway  from  the 
cabin.  Tottering  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  shaking  his 
forefinger  threateningly  at  him,  he  said : 

"  Oldbiegh,  I  come  up  to  "form  you  I'm  drunk. 
When  I'm  drunk,  I'm  mad.  When  I'm  mad,  I'm  dan 
gerous!  You  see  that  water  ?"  said  he,  planting  his 
right  foot  on  the  deck  to  keep  from  stumbling.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  did  not  answer.  "  You  see  it?"  said  the 
Captain,  with  a  wicked  expression  in  his  eyes.  "  Well, 
I  s'pose  you  see  it.  I'll  th-th- throw  you — throw  you — 
throw  you — into  it,  if  you  fool  with  her — while — while 
I  sleep  down  there  !  I'll  be  watching  you  !  " 

The  Captain,  with  another  ugly  look,  then  crawled 
down  the  steps  and  got  into  his  berth  again  and  fell 
asleep. 

The  lights  began  to  appear  in  the  little  windows  of 
the  cabins  of  the  various  yachts  that  were  anchored  on 
the  dark  surface  of  the  bay,  and  in  the  windows  of  the 
houses  on  the  shore.  A  bright  glimmer  over  the  tops 
of  the  mountains  in  the  east  showed  that  the  moon 


344  A    YACHTING   TRIP. 

would  soon  rise,  and  ere  long  the  earth's  satellite,  ap 
pearing  to  be  of  the  color  of  burnished  copper,  rose 
slowly  in  the  heavens.  A  band  of  music,  playing  in 
the  dance  hall  on  one  of  the  wharves,  sent  its  strains 
pealing  out  over  the  water.  The  red-lighted  ends  of 
the  cigars  of  several  gentlemen  on  the  forward  deck  of 
the  "Black  Hawk"  appeared  bright  amid  the  shadows. 
As  the  moonlight  fell  on  the  water,  small  boats,  filled 
with  ladies  and  gentlemen,  were  seen  putting  off  for 
the  shore.  Most  of  the  persons  on  the  "  Black  Hawk  *' 
went  ashore,  and  all  assembled  in  the  dance  hall.  The 
music  struck  up  and  they  danced  till  eleven  at  night. 
As  there  was  no  breeze,  it  was  useless  to  start  for  home. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  were  both  there,  and  it 
seemed  as  if  Mr.  Oldbiegh  would  never  tire  of  dancing. 
At  eleven  o'clock  the  yachts  were  still  resting  peace 
fully  on  the  surface  of  the  water,  their  exact  positions 
being  indicated  by  the  red  lanterns  hanging  in  the 
rigging. 

Mr.  Geseign,  who  had  been  "absent  from  the  dance 
for  about  two  hours,  suddenly  appeared  with  a  beauti 
ful  young  lady  in  white  on  his  arm. 

"Whar'  you  been,  Tommy?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"We  have  been,''  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "gazing  ten 
derly — on  the  gentle  features — of  the  moon!" 

At  half-past  eleven  a  slight  breeze  sprang  up ;  the 
party  was  soon  aboard  of  the  yachts,  and  they  all 
started  off  together,  the  Admiral's  taking  the  lead. 
There  were  on  board  the  yachts  the  usual  quantity  of 
wags,  and  as  it  was  too  dark  for  grimaces  they  strained 
their  brains  to  recall  funny  remarks  which  they  shunted 


A   SNOB   BALL.  345 

to  each  other.  Some  one,  with  a  good  voice,  on  one  ot 
the  yachts,  started  up  "  Old  Folks  at  Home,"  and  the 
people  on  the  nearest  yachts  joined  in  the  chorus.  The 
night  grew  chilly  as  the  hours  passed  on,  and  all  the 
shawls  and  greatcoats  were  soon  in  demand.  The 
company  ceased  to  sing ;  they  talked  little  and  yawned 
much  as  the  morning  approached.  At  about  half-past 
two  the  anchor  dropped  at  the  place  from  which  they 
had  started. 


CHAPTER   XIII. 

A    SNOB    BALL. 

THE  next  morning  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  the  first  to 
wake.  Rising  to  a  sitting  posture  in  his  bed,  he 
rubbed  his  eyes  with  his  knuckles.  After  performing 
this  feat  he  folded  down  the  collar  of  his  night  shirt, 
which  the  washerman  had  starched  by  mistake,  and 
which  had  therefore  caused  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  dream  on 
several  occasions  during  the  night  that  he  was  being 
murdered  by  a  villain,  who  was  cutting  his  throat  with 
a  dull  carving-knife.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  hair  was  stand 
ing  out  in  all  directions  like  the  halo  which  surrounds 
the  head  of  a  saint.  His  face,  however,  was  a  better 
natured  one  than  the  face  of  the  average  saint. 

"  Tommy  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

The  less  expanded  figure  of  Mr.  Geseign  arose  to  a 
sitting  posture  like  an  automaton. 


346  A   SNOB   BALL. 

"  What's  the  word?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  yawned 
and  rubbed  his  eyes. 

"I'm  as  hungry  as  a  thousand  wolves  again,  and  I'm 
darned  ef  I'll  be  elite  ;  so  call  up  the  nigger  with  the 
caffay." 

Mr.  Geseign  rang  the  bell  and  the  darkey  boy  appeared 
and  was  ordered  to  bring  up  coffee  for  two,  which  he 
did  in  a  little  while.  After  drinking  his  coffee,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  arose,  got  his  large  pipe,  filled  it  with  Dur 
ham  tobacco,  lighted  it  and  proceeded  to  smoke. 

"  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  after  a  prolonged 
silence,  "  women  is  queer,  bobbed  ef  they  aren't !  " 

"They  are,"  said  Mr.  Geseign;  "a  settled  fact — 
quite  so.  You  must  handle  them — with  gloves  !  "  and 
he  continued  to  sip  his  coffee. 

"  The  older  I  grow,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  the  more 
curious  they  grow,  til]  they've  growed  so  curious  that 
I'm  etarnally  bobbed  ef  I  can  make  out  the  first  thing 
about  them." 

"  Woman,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  is  like — the  Irish 
man's — flea.  When  you  put — your  finger  on  her — she 
isn't  there  ! " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  She'll  go  straight  on, 
acting  all  right  as  long  as  she  hasn't  got  a  notion  in  her 
head;  but  when  she  takes  a  notion  in  her  head,  look 
out  for  her !  I  say,"  added  he,  as  he  struck  the  ashes 
from  his  pipe  into  the  palm  of  his  hand,  "  then  look  out 
for  her!  Her  actions  aren't  no  longer  human,  and  as  a 
man  is  human,  they  carn't  be  understood  by  him  nohow. 
So  when  he  sees  her  getting  into  that  state,  he  better 
let  her  alone  !  " 


A    SNOB    BALL.  347 

'I  agree — with  you,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "in  every 
particular.  A  woman — is  seldom — human,  but  always 
intensely — delightful.  Quite  so/' 

"  And  what  a  fool  a  married  man  is,  arter  all,"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  waving  his  hand  loftily,  in  order  to  illus 
trate  his  philosophical  remark.  "  And  what  fearful 
fools  married  women  make  of  their  husberns ;  and  what 
monkey  tricks  they  do  play  on  the  critters,  arter  all." 

"  A  melancholy — fact,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  in  a  gloomy 
tone. 

"  I  wouldn't  be  a  married  man,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
u  like  some  I  know,  not  for  an  ocean  of  gold  !  Not 
.inless  I  was  a  out  and  out  monkey  already ! " 

"  Neither — would  I,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  And  then,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  when  the  hua- 
bern  goes  off  and  gets  tipsy,  the  wife  says  he  has  made 
a  beast  of  himself.  What  of  it  ?  Aren't  he  a  right  to 
go  and  drown  the  recollection  of  the  ridiculous  monkey 
tricks  she's  played  on  him?  I  say  he's  justifiable, 
darned  ef  he  aren't.  The  wonder  is  he  aren't  poisoned 
himself !  You  see  a  husbern  and  wife  sittin'  together, 
as  I  have,  Tommy; — sittin'  together  and  talkin'.  It's 
all  right  till  they  begin  to  argy  a  little  pint.  See  how 
quick  she  shuts  him  up !  The  man  don't  live  that 
won't  be  shut  up,  either  !  Do  you  suppose  he  don't  feel 
mean  in  consequence?  He  does.  It's  natcheral.  And 
do  you  suppose  he  aren't  a  right  to  get  tipsy?  A-course 
lie  has.  No  white  man  would  deny  him  the  right  under 
the  circumstances.  Or,  suppose  a  man's  wife  calls  her 
husbern  a  bullet-head  in  public.  Aren't  he  a  right  to  get 
on  a  terrific  bender  ?  It's  justifiable.  I  would  myself. 


348  A    SNOB    BALL. 

I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  ef  I  wouldn't  just  howl !  "  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  as  he  refilled  his  pipe.  "  Take  the  case 
of  that  poor  chap  of  a  army  officer  yesterday  aboard 
of  the  yacht,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  holding  his  pipe  at 
arm's  length.  UI  never  felt  so  sorry,  for  a  man  in  all  my 
born  days  as  I  did  for  that  'ar'  army  officer,  though  he 
did  want  to  throw  me  overboard.  Why  did  the  critter 
ever  get  into  such  a  scrape  by  gettin'  married?  Wasn't 
the  darned  galoot  well  enough  off  when  he  was  single? 
Why  then  was  it  he  didn't  let  well  enough  alone? 
Tommy,  when  I  looked  into  the  face  of  the  woman  he 
married ;  when  I  noticed  the  easy  way  she  talked  with 
all  the  men,  a  paternizin'  'em  and  bein'  so  free  with  'em 
before  his  face,  while  she  treated  him  like  a  darned 
poodle  with  yaller  eyes,  and  called  him  all  sorts  of 
monkey  names  and  paternized  him  the  same  way  she 
paternized  them  pups ;  when  I  see  the  pizen  paint 
on  her  face  ;  when  I  see  her  fly-away  hat,  her  lace 
shawl,  her  long  trained  dress,  her  stout  body  and 
her  ruffled  collar ; — when  I  see  all  this,  Tommy,  and 
the  dogs,  I  felt  so  sorry  for  that  'ar'  array  officer  I'd  a 
shook  his  hands,  though  he  wasx  so  mad  at  me,  arter 
all !  I'd  a  honored  the  man  though  he  was  full — full 
as  a  tick — darned  ef  I  wouldn't!  But  the  queer  thing 
to  me,  which  carn't  be  made  out  by  no  man,  is  why  a 
sensible  fellow  will  go  and  tie  himself  up  to  such  a  ever- 
lastin'  kettle  of  fish !  Thar's  the  pint.  A  sensible  man 
won't  go  and  put  his  leg  in  a  steel-trap  which  is  set  to 
catch  a  b'ar  !  Sartinly  not.  A  sensible  man  won't  put 
his  arm  into  revolvin'  machinery,  or  his  head  in  front  of 
a  cannon  which  is  about  to  be  shot  off!  Sartinly  not. 


A    SNOB    BALL.  349 

But  he'll  go  and  marry  such  a  critter  as  that  'ar',  which 
is  worse ! " 

"  Don't  worry  yourself,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Married 
men  —  are  creachaws  —  hardened  —  to  criticism  —  and 
lost — to  feeling !  " 

The  invitations  to  dinners  and  parties  increased  daily. 
Society  was  in  a  perfect  buzz  of  conversation  over  Lord 
Geseign.  Fathers  and  mothers  gave  dinners  to  Lord 
Geseign  in  the  vain  hope  that  he  would  take  a  fancy  to 
their  daughters,  and  at  those  dinners  the  ogling  of  the 
daughters  was  wasted  on  Mr.  Geseign,  and  the  fathers 
and  mothers  found  that  the  money  invested  in  the 
dinners  was  a  poor  investment;  and  the  mothers 
blamed  and  bullyragged  their  daughters  in  secret. 
Many  were  the  schemes  worked  out,  the  wires  laid  and 
the  traps  set  by  match-making  mammas  in  good  society, 
bad  society  and  indifferent  society  to  catch  Mr. 
Thomas  Geseign.  Still  dudes  and  fops  and  snobs  in 
ever-increasing  numbers  fluttered  around  the  lord. 

It  was  strange  that  plots  so  skillfully  laid  by  such 
experienced  hands  did  not  result  successfully  for  those 
who  laid  them, — laid  them  with  the  industry  of  badgers. 
Mr.  Geseign  was  now  considered  "such  a  handsome 
man,"  "so  intellectual!"  Some  mischievous  person 
spread  the  report  that  Mr.  Geseign  had  written  a  good 
deal.  Mr.  Geseign  waked  up  one  morning  famous,  and 
found  that  all  the  members  of  good  society  were  not 
only  familiar  with  what  he  had  written,  but  with  a  great 
many  of  Ids  works  which  he  had  not  written.  Wher 
ever  he  went  he  heard  so  much  about  his  works  which 
he  did  riot  know  himself  that  he  lived  in  a  constant  state 


360  A    SNOB    BALL. 

of  astonishment.  He  was  surprised  to  find  what  an 
industrious  individual  he  must  have  been.  The  typical 
ant  was  robbed  of  his  glory.  He  could  now  account 
for  the  fact  that  men  can  be  great  writers  without 
having  ever  written  anything. 

A  grand  ball  was  to  be  given  one  evening  at  the  resi 
dence  of  Mr.  Webee,  of  the  noted  land-grabbing  firm 
of  Webee,  Adam,  Hogg  &  Co.  The  preparation  for  this 
ball  had  been  going  on  for  weeks,  and  it  was  known  that 
it  would  be  a  grand  affair.  Amongst  the  e'lite  who 
were  to  be  present,  it  was  whispered  that  both  members 
of  the  great  money-brokering  firm  of  Face  &  Dues 
were  to  be  there.  Mr.  Calico  H.  Sudds,  a  millionaire 
who  had  been  educated  in  a  laundry  institution,  was  to 
grace  the  party  by  his  presence,  The  members  of  the 
great  firm  of  Kittenhouse,  Nightowls  &  Tomsir,  who 
put  up  such  a  vast  quantity  of  sausages  annually,  were 
to  be  there ;  and  the  lovely  daughters  of  Mr.  Kitten- 
house  were  to  be  present.  The  daughters  of  both 
members  of  the  great  undertaking  firm  of  Stiff  &  Bone- 
yard  were  to  be  there,  and  it  was  whispered  that  the 
young  ladies  would  be  tastily  dressed  in  white,  the 
emblem  of  purity. 

Everybody  was  so  glad  that  Mr.  Boneyard  was  to  be 
there,  because  he  had  always  such  a  humorous  smile  on 
his  features  and  was  so  funny;  and,  besides,  his  great 
and  eloquent  speech  upon  the  subject  of  corpses  at  the 
last  annual  convention  of  undertakers  had  made  him 
unusually  prominent.  Strange  to  say,  that  stout  old 
creature,  Mrs.  Stiff,  who  had  not  been  to  a  party  for 
fifteen  years,  was  to  be  there. 


A    SNOB    BALL.  351 

This  fact,  which  so  astonished  all  persons  who  were 
elite,  is  explained  when  it  is  stated  that  she  had  matri 
monial  schemes  and  wives  laid  for  Mr.  Geseign ;  and 
she  now  intended  to  step  into  the  ring  of  good  society 
to  do  battle  with  her  toughened  sinews  for  her  eldest 
daughter.  And  the  great  and  world-renowned  Polish 
fiddler,  Sqeakysquawkgow,  was  to  be  there ;  and  it  was 
rumored  that  he  would  play  just  one  little  piece,  for 
which  it  was  whispered  in  a  lower  tone  Mr.  Webee 
would  come  down  to  the  tune  of  seven  hundred  dollars. 
It  was  said  that  this  last-named  music  oppressed  the 
gentleman  so  much  that  it  gave  him  the  stomach-ache 
to  think  of  it.  The  great  Mrs.  Yard,  of  the  firm  of 
Yard  &  Furlong,  was  to  be  there,  and  it  was  whispered 
by  good  society  in  a  low  tone  and  with  a  satirical  smile 
that  she  was  going  to  show  that  hideously  long  neck  of 
hers  by  wearing  an  extremely  lo\v-necked  blue  silk. 
And  then  Messrs.  Berup  &  Carrier,  the  rich  owners  of 
one  of  the  horse-car  lines,  with  their  wives  and  daugh 
ters,  were  to  be  present.  Amongst  the  most  noted 
firms  to  be  represented  and  advertised  at  the  ball  were 
Sweitzer  &  Beer  Schooner,  Kraut,  Key  &  Dowel,  Siloe 
&  Fass,  Divine  &  Blackleg  and  Heifer  &  Bullock,  the 
great  cattle  men. 

Amongst  the  distinguished  persons  to  be  present 
were  Professor  Davy  Mud,  in  the  public  service ;  W. 
L.  Sheep,  president  of  a  college,  and  J.  K.  Teagarden, 
a  gentleman  lately  involved  in  a  prominent  and  high- 
toned  scandal  in  good  society.  Amongst  the  persons 
who  had  distinguished  themselves  in  the  grocery  line 
were  Messrs.  Soap  &  Tartar.  One  of  the  persons  who 


352  A   SNOB    BALL. 

had  become  noted  in  the  career  of  a  merchant  was 
that  portly  personage,  James  Overdue ;  and  a  person 
who  will  go  down  in  the  annals  of  San  Francisco  em 
balmed  in  glory  as  a  pawnbroker  and  skinflint  was 
Nehemiah  Pinch,  one  of  the  wealthiest  men  on  the 
coast.  Perhaps  of  all  the  persons  to  be  present  those 
whose  names  will  sound  most  familiar  to  the  general 
public  were  Amos  Smith  and  William  Jones,  men  not 
only  well  known  themselves,  but  of  families  so  noted 
that  they  are  found  as  far  back  as  the  Conqueror,  and 
of  such  extended  membership  that  their  cognomens 
are  in  every  directory. 

As  the  date  of  the  ball  approached,  society  reporters 
gave  less  time  to  informing  the  general  public  that 
Mrs.  Smith  was  visiting  her  friend  Mrs.  Jones  at  San 
Rafael,  and  that  Judge  Veneer  had  gone  to  the  springs. 
The  price  of  swallow-tail  coats  rose  so  high  that  the 
amount  cannot  appear  safely  on  these  pages.  Even 
those  which  were  rented  for  the  occasion  brought  aston 
ishing  figures ;  and  when  a  friend  loaned  one  to  another 
he  felt  that  he  had  placed  him  under  lasting  obligations. 
The  drivers  of  hacks,  who  had  contracted  for  the  use 
of  their  vehicles  weeks  before  at  low  rates,  broke  ruth 
lessly  through  their  agreements  on  the  day  of  the  ball, 
and  rented  them  for  four  or  five  times  the  money. 
Messenger  boys  were  in  constant  demand  by  the  ladies 
of  good  society,  and  were  sent  on  errands  that  made 
them  open  even  their  hardened  little  eyes. 

On  the  evening  of  the  ball,  gentlemen  who  had 
already  dressed  stood  in  their  swallow-tails,  with  red 
roses  in  their  buttonholes,  at  their  front  doors,  waiting 


A    SNOB    BALL.  353 

impatiently  during  that  extra  hour  after  their  wives 
have  announced  themselves  as  "ready — coming  in  a 
minute,"  and  during  which  extra  hour  they  put  on  the 
extra  touches.  As  a  natural  consequence,  the  many 
husbands  who  thus  stood  impatiently  at  their  front 
doors  were  unanimously  angry.  Had  a  bird's-eye  view 
been  taken  of  the  brilliantly  lighted  city  of  San  Fran 
cisco  that  evening,  hacks  might  have  been  seen  rum 
bling  over  the  roads  from  all  points  of  the  compass,  and 
stopping  at  one  central  point.  Beautiful  ladies  in 
white,  slightly  touched  with  powder  and  slightly 
touched  with  pahit,  dressed  in  their  best  wigs,  and  in 
light  dresses  of  all  colors,  with  their  fans  in  their  hands, 
might  have  been  seen  by  any  impertinent  fellow  who 
had  the  audacity  to  glance  through  the  hack  windows. 
The  stout  lady  in  a  white  dress  and  closely  laced  cor 
sets,- with  her  light  complexion,  blue  eyes,  yellow  wig, 
bare  arms  and  bare  shoulders,  was  in  one  of  the  hacks. 
And  in  another  was  that  interesting  little  piece  of 
vanity,  the  thin,  jealous,  black-eyed  lady,  in  the  blue 
silk  dress  and  newspapers.  And  then  in  that  immense 
carriage,  with  the  white  gentleman  in  front,  in  brass 
buttons,  and  the  black  gentleman  beside  him,  also  in 
brass  buttons,  was  that  stout,  middle-aged  mamma, 
with  the  brow  of  a  warrior,  and  a  moustache  on  her 
upper  lip;  with  a  slim  gosling  girl  on  her  right,  a  slim 
gosling  girl  on  her  left,  and  a  slim  gosling  girl  in  front 
— her  daughters,  for  whom  the  matrimonial  trains  were 
laid,  for  whom  the  matrimonial  war  was  to  be  waged, 
and  for  whom  the  matrimonial  prisoner  must  be  taken, 
named  and  tortured.  There  she  sat  in  her  glory. 
22 


354  A   SNOB   BALL. 

In  yet  another  hack,  sitting  there  in  his  swallow-tail 
coat,  as  the  guest  of  another,  was  that  wretched  fool 
and  insignificant  creature,  a  poor  man.  See  how  the 
creature,  with  his  head  erect,  as  he  sits  on  the  purple 
cushions  of  His  rich  and  renowned  friend,  Kittenhouse, 
of  the  sausage  firm,  attempts  to  look  as  if  he  might 
have  been  rich.  What  a  melancholy  picture  he  pre 
sents  amidst  such  wealth.  How  awkward,  how  out  of 
place,  how  absurd.  It  is  not  in  him.  He  is  not  rich. 
Then  why  should  he  have  the  audacity  to  look  rich? 
The  look  is  not  genuine,  and  everybody  sees  it,— *-or 
will  see  it,  and  note  the  pitiable  figure  he  cuts.  Every 
body  knows  the  genuine  rich  look  of  the  genuine  rich 
man.  There  is  a  certain  air  about  it  which,  like  the 
air  of  true  gentility,  which  denotes  blood,  can  be  recog 
nized  at  once  by  all. 

The  lights  burning  at  the  foot  of  the  steps  showed 
the  white  canvas  leading  up  to  the  doorway  of  the 
mansion.  And  as  carriage  after  carriage  arrived,  the 
lady  in  her  dancing  slippers,  clinging  to  the  arm  of  her 
cavalier  in  swallow-tail  and  white  tie,  proceeded  to 
walk  up  the  steps  to  the  house.  Nothing  was  seen 
before  long  in  front  of  the  edifice  but  a  mass  pf  black 
carriages  with  pink-cheeked  ladies  in  them,  and  drivers 
in  uniforms  buttoned  to  the  chin,  looming  up  above  the 
hacks.  When  the  horses  became  restive,  and  backed 
carriages  into  other  carriages,  and  scraped  the  paint  off, 
the  drivers  did  not  blaspheme  aloud ;  they  were  too 
well-bred,  and,  therefore,  did  so  in  silence  on  a  more 
extensive  scale.  And  when  the  vehicles  became  all 
tangled  in  an  apparently  inextricable  manner,  as  their 


A    SNOB    BALL.  355 

whole  attention  was  given  to  business,  each  driver 
postponed  his  swearing  until  the  next  day. 

A  perfect  stream  of  ladies  and  gentlemen  was  going 
up  and  down  the  stairs  leading  to  the  dressing-rooms. 
Mr.  Webee,  being  a  shrewd  individual,  had  stationed  a 
negro  servant  in  a  swallow-tail  at  the  door  of  the  first 
parlor.  He  himself  was  standing  in  the  doorway  be 
tween  the  first  and  second  parlors.  Mrs.  Webee  was 
on  his  right,  and  Miss  Webee  on  his  left.  When  a 
guest,  on  coming  down  from  the  dressing-room,  met 
the  dark  person  at  the  door  of  the  first  parlor,  because 
of  his  color,  he  did  not  make  the  embarrassing  mistake 
of  taking  him  for  Mr.  Webee  himself.  The  servant 
asked  the  guest's  name,  and  then  shouted  it  aloud  to 
Mr.  Webee,  so  that  Mr.  Webee,  Mrs.  Webee  and  Miss 
Webee  would  all  three  understand  which  of  their 
friends  was  about  to  speak  to  them.  In  the  course  of 
time  most  of  the  guests  had  shaken  hands  with  their 
hosts  and  the  dancing  had  commenced.  The  musicians 
were  seated  in  a  .bay-window,  and  as  the  windows  were 
open  the  sweet  music  of  the  harp  and  violin  floated 
out  upon  the  night  air. 

Late  in  the  evening  the  presence  of  Lord  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  announced  by  the  servant  in  a 
tone  which  was  heard  above  all  the  music.  Mr.  Geseign 
was  dressed  in  a  most  striking  manner,  and  his  costume 
was  the  handsomest  in  the  house.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and 
Mr.  Geseign  were  both  soon  seized  by  the  matrimonial 
mothers,  who  at  once  commenced  work  upon  them. 
Later,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  moving  about  and  talking 
good-naturedly  to  every  one  ;  and  he  was  seen  on  a 


366  A   SNOB   BALL. 

number  of  occasions  during  the  evening  conversing  with 
the  white  waiters,  who  were  divssed  in  swallow-tails 
and  whom  he  evidently  took  for  persons  of  the  elite 
who  had  achieved  fame  in  the  business  world.  That 
lady  was  there  who  always  seizes  a  man's  arm  when  the 
ball  opens,  goes  through  the  whole  family  history  and 
releases  him  generally  when  the  party  is  over.  She 
finally  got  hold  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  clung  to  him 
closer  than  a  brother.  However,  before  she  had  seized 
upon  him,  Mr.  Geseign  had  taken  care  to  describe  to 
him  some  of  the  persons  present.  Referring  to  the 
matter  as  an  ill  omen  and  one  that  boded  no  good  to 
the  country,  Mr.  Geseign  pointed  out  a  corpulent  dude 
he  had  seen  walking  arm  in  arm  with  a  judge  of  the 
Supreme  Court  that  morning.  They  were  standing  in 
an  alcove  by  themselves  when  Mr.  Geseign  said : 

"Do  you  see  him — the  creachaw — with  the  beard — 
which  is  red — and  the  crown — which  is  bald?  He," 
said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  would  sell — his  dead  mother.  He 
is — a  skinflint — and  rich.  He  loves — his  fellow — man 
— as  tenderly — as  a  shark !  " 

"  Darned  ef  he  don't  look  it ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
"  He'd  squeeze  the  eagle  on  the  American  dollar,  as 
they  say,  till  it  squawked  !  " 

"Do  you  see,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "that  mountain — 
of  flesh — in  female  shape — on  the  sofa  ?  " 

"I  do,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  What  a  critter  it  are, 
arter  all.  Is  it  a  female  dood?  She's  been  puffin'  away 
like  a  steamer  goin'  up  the  river  against  the  tide  ever 
since  she  came  up  the  steps.  Is  she  one  of  the  reg'lar 
snobs?  What  a  thing  it  is  to  be  a  snob,  arter  all !  " 


A    SNOB   BALL.  357 

"  She,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  has  in  regard  to  me — 
Lord  Thomas  Geseign — base  designs.  She  seeks  to 
burden  me — for  life  ;  I  repeat  it,  with  emphasis — for 
life — with  a  horror  I  The  horror — Matilda  by  name — 
is  her  daughter!  I  deny — her  claims.  I  sincerely — 
protest.  Do  you  perceive — that  other  mother — and 
that  other — horror  ?  the  next  on — her  left  ?  It  is  also 
destined — for  me.  I  object — and  protest.  Do  your 
keen  eyes — perceive — in  the  opposite  corner — a  mat 
ronly — mother?  Do  you  perceive — in  addition — her 
horror?  It  is  likewise — for  me.  I  protest — and  object. 
See  them  all — how  they  smile; — both  mothers — and 
daughters.  They  would  give  me — the  horrors  !  I  object 
— to  the  horrors  !  " 

"Haw!  Haw!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  while  ripples 
chased  each  other  over  the  surface  of  his  vest. 

"Hush!  base  minion!"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  or  we 
— are  discovered  !  "  A  low,  rumbling  sound  was  heard 
under  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  vest,  somewhat  like  theatrical 
thunder,  which  gradually  passed  away.  "  Do  you  see 
it — the  creachaw — walking — this  way  ?  A  curious 
bird.  That  thing — is  a  dude.  Its  legs — resemble — an 
ostrich's  legs.  See  the  creachaw.  Watch  its  actions. 
Oh!  curious — creachaw!  It  loves — the  ladies.  Oh! 
curious — fascination  ; — and  the  ladies — love  it.  It  can 
live — on  woman's  smile.  It  needs — no  more.  Ah! 
curious — phenomenon.  A  delicate — appetite.  Strange 
— phenomenon  !  " 

"It  looks  as  though  it  might,  and  didn't  need  no 
other  grub,  haw  !  haw  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Base minion  ! — hush ! — or  we  will — be  dibcovered. ! 


358  A    SNOB    BALL. 

said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Do  you  see — the  stout  angel  there 
— dressed  in — black  velvet — and  a  shower — of  dia 
monds  ?  The  diamonds — are  hired — from  the  uncle — 
of  the  three  golden  balls  !  To-morrow — they  will  be — 
returned."  The  rumbling  was  again  heard  beneath 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  waistcoat,  but  he  squelched  the  "  haw ! 
haws ! "  although  tears  came  into  his  eyes  in  the 
struggle.  "  Woman — you  will  perceive,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  "on  examining — this  assemblage — loves  her 
sister  woman — with  bitterest  hatred.  They  bear — 
toward  each  other — the  friendship — of  tarantulas. 
Listen — to  the  buzz — of  murderous — and  bloodthirsty 
— female  tongues.  Hear  them  rattle — and  hiss — like 
the  sound — of  serpents — in  a  pit.  Listen — to  the  buzz 
— like  a  sawmill — of  villainous  tales.  Curious — crea- 
chaws !  " 

"  If  a  woman  falls  from  grace,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
4  the  others  are  arter  her  like  a  pack  of  wolves.  And 
the  way  they  tear  her  to  pieces  arter  she's  caught,  to 
hide  their  own  little  monkey  shines,  beats  cock  fightin' ! " 

44 And  yet,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "they  sell  —  their 
daughters — to  rich  men — C.  O.  D.  They  practise — 
what  they — condemn.  Oh  !  logical — creachaws  !  " 

"  That  'ar's  the  way  on  it  and  ther'  aren't  no  mistake," 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  What  is  this  ball?"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  looking 
out  over  the  assemblage.  4%A  grand  —  advertising- — 
medium.  A  curious—  idea — but  true.  It  is  also,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign,  "a  shop.  Here  flesh — is  sold — to  aged 
hyenas.  Here  husbands — are  bought — by  hideous — 
antiquities.  It  is  also,"  said  Mr,  Geseign,  "a  fish- 


A    SNOB    BALL.  369 

pond.  Old  ladies — come  here — to  fish. — I  have  seen  a 
number — of  tendah  mothers — with  daughters — matri 
monially — inclined — fishing  for  me.  Their  hooks — 
hang  down — through  the  waters — of  scandal — from 
above.  I  am — the  fish.  Their  hooks — are  baited — 
with  daughters  !  A  scene — for  the  crayons — of  an 
artist!-" 

"  It's  all  a  holler  mockery ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
solemnly. 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "no  mockery  at  —  all. 
While  they  fish — they're  all — in  sober — earnest.  Their 
persistence  —  is  untiring.  Their  patience — endures. 
Their  energies — admit — of  no  rest.  They  are  relent 
less — and  cruel.  If  you — were  a  mother — you  too — 
would  go  fishing." 

"Look  at  that  'ar'  critter,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
"  What  a  walkin'  pot  of  paint  it  is,  arter  all." 

"  And  oblivious — to  the  fact,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  solemnly,  "the 
preachers  is  right,  arter  all.  The  world  is  a  holler 
mockery.  Especially  the  snobs !  Darned  ef  they 
aren't!" 

"  You  see  the  world — now,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  with 
the  blanket — thrown  over  it.  Lift  the  blanket — and 
shriek  then — to  discover — " 

"And  all  the  people  who  come  here  pretend  to  come 
because  they're  friends,  and  out  of  friendship ;  and  yet 
they've  got  to  have  a  nigger  to  sing  out  their  names, 
arter  all." 

"According  —  to  my  true  definition,"  said  Mr. 
Q-eseign,  "  they  are  friends.  A  friend — is  that  monster 


360  A    SNOB    BALL. 

— who  expects — future  favors.  They  all — do  expect. 
They — therefore — are  friends." 

"Howdy,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  howdy!"  said  a  little  man, 
walking  up,  whom  Mr.  Oldbiegh  recognized  as  Mr. 
Glennon,  with  his  daughter  on  his  arm. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  introduced  Miss  Glennon  to  Mr. 
Geseign,  and  while  they  were  talking  Mr.  Gleunon 
took  Mr.  Oldbiegh  by  the  sleeve  and  led  him  aside. 

"  Oldbiegh,"  said  he,  "I've  got  something  to  tell  you." 
The  little  man  began  to  get  excited  at  once.  u  Another 
villainous  spendthrift  has  been  engaging  himself  in 
secret  to  my  daughter.  A  perfect  blackleg  without  a 
penny.  I  was  kept  in  the  dark  by  the  wretched  girl. 
I  had  a  dose  of  ague  and  was  as  yellow  as  an  orange 
at  the  time ;  but,  nevertheless,  I  found  them  out.  I 
heard  mysterious  creakings  at  the  front  gate  night  after 
night.  I  knew  it  couldn't  be  the  wind,  because  there 
was  no  wind.  It  couldn't  be  the  dog,  because  the  dog 
doesn't  swing  on  the  front  gate.  I  was  sick  in  bed  in 
the  back  room  of  the  house.  I  went  to  the  front  room 
and  sick  as  I  was  I  sat  there  in  the  rocking-chair  by 
the  window,  listening  to  what  they  said,  in  nothing  but 
my  night  cap  and  night  shirt.  I  did  not  hear  what 
they  said  the  first  night,  because  they  spoke  in  a  low 
tone.  As  time  passed  on  they  grew  bolder  and  spoke 
louder.  I  waited  patiently  to  hear  his  name.  1  heard 
it.  I  at  once  determined  to  blacken  it.  The  next 
night  he  came  again.  Some  time  near  daylight  Maud 
Unit  swinging  on  the  gate  and  went  into  the  room 
directly  under  the  one  in  which  I  sat.  The  young 
came  back  and  stood  at  the  window  and  spoke 


A    SNOB    BALL.  361 

disrespectfully  of  me.  In  the  corner  at  my  right  was 
a  gun,  loaded  with  peas  and  red  pepper  for  cats.  The 
young  swindler  started  off  and  when  he  had  gotten 
half  way  to  the  gate  he  spoke  disrespectfully  of  my 
bald  head.  An  irresistible  impulse  seized  me,  Oldbiegh, 
and  I  up  with  the  gun  and  let  him  have  the  peas  and 
red  pepper.  You  should  have  been  there  to  hear  the 
blackleg  shriek,  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  little  man,  exci 
tedly.  "  It  would  have  done  your  heart  good  to  hear 
him.  It  was  the  most  genuine  shriek  I  ever  heard. 
The  pepper  did  it.  1  attribute  it  all  to  the  pepper ; 
though  the  peas  may  have  stung.  And  the  best  part 
of  it  was  the  neighbors  rushing  out  of  their  houses 
recognized  him.  I  immediately  began  to  shout  '•burg 
lars  '  and  the  young  man  ran.  Maud,  of  course,  fainted. 
The  young  man  won't  explain  the  matter,  Maud  won't, 
and  I  wouldn't  it  I  was  tortured;  so  the  young  fellow 
has  got  the  reputation  of  being  a  burglar.  Hurrah, 
Oldbiegh  !  Hurrah  !  I  hardly  think  he'll  court  my 
daughter  again  in  secret.  At  any  rate,  he'll  have  to  do 
so  standing  up,  for  I'm  sure  he  won't  be  able  to  sit 
down  for  six  months  !  " 

After  the  little  man's  excitement  had  somewhat 
subsided,  he  proceeded  to  point  out  many  of  the  guests 
to  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"*  Do  you  see  that  tall,  gawky  fellow?"  said  he,  point 
ing  to  <i  man  who  was  dancing  with  a  handsome  lady 
near  him. 

uYes."  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  He  looks  as  though  he  might  be  as  mean  a  man  as 
old  Joe  Squeerly, — don't  you  think  so,  Oldbiegh?  " 


362  A   SNOB   BALL. 

"Never  know'd  him,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Don't  you  think  now,"  said  Mr.  Glennon,  "  that 
he's  got  an  unusually  wicked  eye?" 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  it  might  be  and  then 
again  it  raightent.  It's  ruther  hard  to  say." 

"Don't  you  think,  Oldbiegh,  that  green  stuff  is  in 
execrable  taste  ?  By  the  way,  how'd  that  lawsuit 
come  out?  " 

"What  suit  is  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"The  one  in  which  you  got  a  widow  into  trouble. 
Oh!  lye!  fye !  Oldbiegh!" 

Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face  assumed  a  very  solemn  expres 
sion  at  once. 

"I'd  a  thought,"  said  he,  in  a  slow  and  dignified  tone, 
"that  that  'ar'  two-forty  widdyer  was  over  and  done 
for.  I'd  a  thought  it.  But  now  I  see  if  a  man  once 
has  trouble  with  one  on  'em  it  sticks  to  him,  like 
leprosy,  to  the  grave.  Death  alone  will  let  him  loose." 

"  Speaking  of  lawsuits,"  said  Mr.  Glennon,  "  wher 
ever  I've  been  in  all  my  life,  I've  always  been  in  law 
suits.  It's  wholly  unaccountable.  I  can't  account  for 
it  at  all.  By  the  way,"  said  he,  in  an  excited  tone, 
"balls  are  nuisances — perfect  nuisances;  and  especially 
to  a  person  who  lives  in  Oakland.  By  the  way,  Old 
biegh,  how  did  you  like  Oakland?" 

"  Very  much  ;  how  do  you  like  it  ?  " 

"I  don't  like  it,"  said  the  little  man;  "it's  the  most 
unsociable  town  on  the  Pacific  Coast.  After  the  first 
month  or  two  I  was  there  the  people  quit  calling  on  me 
altogether.  It's  wholly  unaccountable." 

At  this  moment  the  hostess  came  up  and  told  Mr, 


A    SNOB   BALL.  363 

Oldbiegh  that  she  wanted  to  introduce  him  to  a  charm 
ing  lady,  one  of  the  most  charming  ladies  in  "our 
circle ; "  a  lady  who  was  a  leader  in  good  society  and 
had  such  a  "  distangy  "  air. 

"  What's  that  she's  got  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  She's 
got  a  mustang?  They're  mean  critters." 

*'  Such  a  distangy — such  a  refined  and  distinguished 
air,"  said  the  lady.  "  Perfectly  distangy,  you  know." 

u  Haw !  haw  ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  for  the  moment 
forgetting  himself,  and  then  suddenly  choking  and 
turning  purple  in  the  face.  The  lady  looked  at  him 
with  astonishment. 

"  What  were  you  pleased  to  remark  ? "  she  asked, 
sarcastically. 

"I  was  only  larfin',"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  at  one  of 
them  'ar'  ideas  which  come  to  a  man  so  sudden." 

"  Oh  !  "  said  the  lady.  "  Well,  as  I  was  saying,  she 
has  a  distangy  expression  and  looks  like  a  perfect 
queen." 

"She  aren't  got  four  lead-colored  pups,  are  she?" 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Why,  you  surprise  me  !  "  said  the  hostess.  "  You 
know  her,  Mr.  Oldbiegli  ?  ' 

"  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegli,  solemnly. 

At  this  moment  they  reached  the  sofa  on  which  Mrs. 
Glover  was  sitting  in  all  her  glory. 

"  Why,  my  dear  Oldbiegh,  how  d'you  do  ?  " 

"Howdydo,  mum?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Don't  you  know,  Oldbiegh,  1  hardly  expected  to 
get  here  at  all.  I  had  such  trouble  in  getting  Nita  to 
go  to  sleep,  poor  child," 


364  A    SNOB    BALL. 

"How  many  children  have  you  got,  mum?  "said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Oh !  you  silly  man  !  I  have  none,"  said  Mrs.  Glo 
ver.  "  Nita  is  one  of  my  pets." 

"Dorgs?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Dogs,"  said  the  lady,  "yes, — if  you  must  call  them 
by  that  coarse  name.  Don't  you  know,  Oldbiegh,  the 
little  pets  worried  me  nearly  to  death  last  Sunday. 
Before  going  to  church  I  tucked  them  away  snugly  in 
their  little  bed  in  the  nursery.  You  know  I've  got  one 
of  those  stupid  creatures,  a  new  cook.  Well,  I  was  in 
church  on  my  knees,  when  who  should  come  bouncing 
down  the  aisle  but  my  four  little  pets.  The  sexton 
tried  to  stop  them,  but  with  a  yelp,  they  bounced  by 
him.  The  new  cook  had  let  them  out.  What  was  I 
to  do,  you  will  ask.  I  put  them  all  under  my  dress 
and  tried  to  keep  them  there ;  but  being  in  a  playful 
condition  they  commenced  gnawing  at  my  stocking 
and  growling.  What  was  I  to  do,  Oldbiegh?"  said 
the  lady,  pausing. 

"  Bobbed  ef  I  know ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with 
a  bow. 

"I  had  to  let  them  out,  and  they  went  bouncing 
through  the  spaces  in  the  chancel  rail,  and  at  last  com 
menced  tugging  at  the  minister's  white  surplice.  I 
know  they  were  fearfully  irreverent,  and  I  was  nearly 
crazy  with  anguish.  I  perspired  so,  Oldbiegh,  that  not 
a  dry  stitch  was  left  on  me.  You  know  how  people 
will  laugh  at  the  slightest  thing  in  church.  Well, 
everybody  was  laughing,  and  I  was  so  embarrassed  at 
the  naughty  behavior  of  ray  pets  that  I  turned  all 


A    SNOB   BALL.  365 

colors  of  the  rainbow.  Parley  vous  Franz  say  ?  Be 
cause  if  you  do  I  want  to  tell  you  the  rest  in  French/' 

"  I'm  sorry,  but  I  never  have  done  it,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh;  "but  ef  I  continue  to  be  a  snob,  it  may  come 
easy  yet." 

"  Oldbiegh,"  said  Mrs.  Glover,  "  I've  taken  quite  a 
fancy  to  you.  By  the  way,  you  must  excuse  my  hus 
band's  actions  on  board  the  yacht;  but  you  men  will 
persist,  you  know,  in  making  such  fools  of  yourselves ! 
I  know  what  you  are.  All  about  you,  Oldbiegh. 
Fye  !  fye ! "  and  the  lady  shook  her  finger  playfully  at 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Well,  mum,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  his  most  solemn 
tone,  "  it  do  seem,  arter  all,  as  ef  everybody  has  to  go 
and  get  informed  of  what  took  place  between  me  and 
her;  and  as  if  that  'ar'  critter  is  goin'  to  haunt  me  to 
my  grave  and  arterwards,  as  a  widdyer ;  but  whatever 
you  hear  about  me  and  that  'ar'  two-forty  widdyer,  it 
aren't  no  use  to  believe  a  word  of  it,  for  it  aren't  so ; 
and  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  ef  I'm  ever  seen  within 
forty  yards  of  a  critter  of  that  kind  again,  unless  I've 
got  the  whole  police  force  along  to  protect  me,  nohow ! 
A  woman  of  that  kind  is  worse  than  a  grizzly  bar,  and 
a  cinnamon  bar  aren't  nowhar'  to  her !  " 

After  delivering  this  address  in  an  earnest  manner, 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  drew  his  red-bordered  silk  handkerchief 
from  his  coat-tail  pocket  and  wiped  his  perspiring  brow. 
The  lady  gazed  upon  the  agonized  features  of  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  during  the  address  with  a  look  of  deep  aston 
ishment.  After  he  had  finished  she  said : 


366  A    SNOB    BALL. 

"  What  widow,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ?  Which  one  do  you 
refer  to?" 

"You  aren't  heard  of  no  new  ones — are  you?" 

" No,"  said  the  lady;  "now  I  remember;  the  other 
one  didn't  apply  to  you.  How  do  you  spell  her  name, 
Oldbiegh  ?  It's  a  queer  name,  and  I  don't  believe  I 
could  spell  it." 

u  I've  resolved,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  never  to  men 
tion  the  name  of  that  'ar'  critter  again ; — not  if  my 
right  hand  is  cut  off ! "  The  lady  did  not  question  him 
again. 

Several  ladies  of  the  younger  class  were  around  Mr. 
Geseign,  for  he  had  at  last  succeeded  in  escaping  from 
the  matrimonial  mothers. 

" 1  like,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  talking  to  a  young  lady 
who  was  a  blonde,  "  a — blonde.  I  am  fond  of  blondes ; 
— quite  so.  A  blonde  is  affectionate — and  passionate. 
Delightful — idea.  A  blonde — is  seldom  jealous — com 
paratively — speaking.  She  is — quick — to  forgive.  Oh! 
gentle — creachaw  !  A  brunette — is  less — affectionate 
— less  passionately — fond — comparatively — speaking 
However  —  she  possesses  —  the  quality — of  jealousy. 
Intensely  so.  Her  memory — being  good — she  never — 
forgets.  She  will  follow — you  up.  Quite  so.  Oh ! 
fascinating — creachaw  !  "  The  little  blonde  looked  up 
passionately  at  Mr.  Geseign,  by  way  of  response  to  his 
remarks  in  favor  of  the  blonde  species. 

A  while  later  he  was  talking  to  a  brunette,  with 
dark,  languishing  eyes. 

"I,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "am  a  shy  —  young  man. 
But  a  brunette — always  inspires — my  faltering  heart — 


SNOB    BALL.  367 

with  confidence.  A  curious — phenomenon?  Exactly 
go, — but  true.  I  have  gazed  —  intensely  so  —  on  the 
glory  of  the  stars— in  the  poetical  clays — of  my  youth. 
I  have  noted — the  exquisite  contour — of  the  moon — 
in  those  days.  I  have  sent — the  ship  of  fancy — to  sail 
the  seas — of  limitless — space — in  search — of  the  beau 
tiful.  My  boyish  dreams — were  redolent — with  glory 
— when  that  ship — had  returned.  But  a  change — came 
over  me.  I  met — a  brunette.  Oh!  charming — crea- 
chaw  !  My  dreams — disappeared — abashed  by  the  real ! 
She  was  beautiful ; — what  words — can  describe  her — 
that  enchanting — brunette  ?  She — was  a  queen, — nay, 
more.  A  queen — was  a  scullion — compared — to  my 
charmer.  Her  eyes — had  in  them — a  sweet — soft  ex 
pression.  When  she  stepped — on  the  flowers — with 
broken  backs — they  arose  —  and  gazed — after  her — 
entranced — by  her  beauty.  She  was  a — brunette  I — 
enough — they  forgave  her !  "  The  brunette  gazed  at 
Mr.  Geseign  with  one  of  those  deep,  languishing  looks 
with  which  brunettes  often  gaze  upon  persons  who  are 
considered  to  be  wealthy  lords. 

At  this  point  the  writer  comes  dancing  to  the  front 
of  the  stage,  and  stands  there  on  one  leg  and  bows 
profoundly  to  the  reader.  Lest  there  should  be  a  mis 
understanding,  he  desires  to  say  to  his  dear,  sweet  lady 
readers  that  he  loves  them  all  intensely,  blondes  and 
brunettes ;  and  if  there  is  any  other  name  for  any 
other  kind,  he  loves  them  also  intensely.  With  this 
remark  he  retires  with  that  dignity  which  the  rules  of 
composition  require  a  writer  to  maintain. 

There  was  a  grand  "  collation  "  in  the  dining-room, 


368  A   SNOB    BALL. 

set  out  on  several  tables  ;  and  after  the  ladies  and  gen 
tlemen  had  had  their  suppers,  the  music  of  the  harp 
and  violin  was  heard  again,  and  the  party  returned  to 
the  parlors  and  other  rooms  whose  floors  were  covered 
with  canvas,  and  commenced  to  do  those  many  things 
called  dancing. 

Mrs.  Cludger  was  there,  and  talked  about  "  M'Lud  " 
as  if  she  had  known  him  for  years.  He  was  "of  such 
a  gooh'd  farmily  in  hold  Hingland,  you  knaw.  Such 
blood,  so  blue,  don't  you  knaw !  " 

We  must  not  forget  to  make  a  distinct  record  of  the 
fact  that  Mr.  Judson  C.  Muggs,  dressed  in  a  white  tie, 
a  brown  velvet  coat  and  bear's  oil,  arrived  late  in  the 
evening.  The  lady  who  took  charge  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
released  him  just  as  the  guests  were  all  leaving.  As 
soon  as  he  got  away  from  her,  he  went  to  Mr.  Geseign, 
who  was  standing  in  the  alcove,  which  has  been  before 
described,  with  his  arms  folded.  He  was  standing 
alone.  One  foot  was  slightly  forward,  and  he  had 
inclined  his  head  backward.  This  'position  gave  to 
his  face  that  haughty  and  aristocratic  expression  which 
is  only  seen  on  the  faces  of  persons  having  the  true 
blood.  As  he  was  standing  in  this  attitude  Mr.  Old 
biegh  came  up  to  him.  They  were  both  engaged  in 
deep  thought  for  some  moments,  when  Mr.  Geseign 
broke  the  silence,  and  spoke  as  follows : 

"  There— he  is/' 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  in  the  direction  indicated  by 
Mr.  Geseign's  glance,  arid  saw  a  tall  individual  who 
wore  a  high  collar.  It  seemed  to  be  constantly  sawing 
the  cheeks  on  either  side  of  his  face. 


A    SNOB    BALL.  369 

"Who  is  he?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  An  F.  F.  V.,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"One  of  them  'ar'  secret  skull  and  cross-bones  ser- 
cieties  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  F.  F.  V.  First  Family 
— of  Virginiah.  A  blood — of  American  growth.  His 
ancestah — marked  his  cross — on  the  Declaration  ;— or 
listened  to  Patrick  Henry— or  flew  kites — with  Frank* 
lin.  Like  the  English — aristocracy — if  they  are  not 
blood — they  are  nothing.  They  owe  all — to  blood  ; — 
brains — are  beneath  them  ; — and  they  keep  them— 
concealed.  A  curious — animal !  " 

"  It  are  u  curious  animal,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  The  First  Family — of  Virginiah,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"  is  a  curious — fellow  !  Look  !  " 

"  What  is  it?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  Do  you  perceive  —  that  round-shouldered — lanky 
gawk? " 

"  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  That,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  is  the  First  Family— of 
Boston.  All  blood.  His  ancestahs — made  of  brown 
bread — and  beans.  One  of  his — blooded  fathers — a 
tinker — by  profession — came  over  in  the — only  and 
genuine  — 4  Mayflower  ! '  Oh !  wonderful — creachaw  ! 
He  was  sick — all  the  way.  Seasick — quite  so.  But 
he  bore  up — against  it — and  with  other — old  families 
— of  tinkers — he  carolled  his  cheerful  note — on  the 
top — of  Plymouth  Rock.  Oh !  a  curious  creachaw — 
is  a  blood  !  " 

At  a  late  hour  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  got 
into  their  hack  and  drove  back  toward  the  Palace 
23 


370  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

Hotel.  At  the  suggestion  of  Mr.  Geseign,  they  went 
into  an  oyster  saloon  on  Dupont  street,  and  had  an 
"  oyster  cocktail,"  and  then  went  on  to  their  hotel  and 
retired  to  rest. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

IT  now  becomes  our  sad  duty  to  record  the  fact  that, 
within  a  short  period  after  the  events  related  in  the 
last  chapter,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  had  their 
first  serious  disagreement.  The  melancholy  occurrence 
happened  in  the  following  manner  :  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and 
Mr.  Geseign  were  standing  in  the  office  of  the  hotel 
when  an  English  lord,  who  was  travelling  through 
California  for  the  purpose  of  studying  the  characteris 
tics  of  the  desperadoes  and  other  wild  animals  whom 
he  believed  to  form  the  chief  population  of  that  State, 
approached  Mr.  Geseign  to  make  a  critical  examination 
of  that  person.  Putting  his  eye-glass  in  his  eye  and 
discovering  the  fact  that  Mr.  Geseign  wore  no  pistols 
about  his  waist  and  no  bowie-knives  in  his  boots,  he 
was  surprised.  But  the  reader  can  imagine  his  aston 
ishment  when  he*  was  informed  that  Mr.  Geseign  was 
an  English  lord  who  actually  resided  in  the  State.  As 
all  the  English  aristocracy  are  perfectly  familiar  with 
other  English  families  of  high  standing  and  with  their 
pedigrees  back  to  the  time  of  the  flood,  he  proceeded 
to  ask  Mr.  Geseign  certain  questions  bearing  upon  the 


TWO    THRILLING    TALES.  3?1 

subject,  and,  although  Mr.  Geseign  answered  with 
extreme  shrewdness,  the  real  lord  was  convinced  that 
Mr.  Geseign  was  an  impostor,  as  were  a  number  of  other 
persons  present,  and  even  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  faith  in  his 
friend  was  sorely  shaken.  A  few  more  questions  by  the 
English  lord  in  relation  to  the  history  of  some  of  the 
oldest  families  in  England,  together  with  Mr.  Geseign's 
answers  to  them,  satisfied  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  his  friend 
was  a  fraud.  While  wounded  to  the  heart,  he  felt 
called  upon  to  make  a  solemn  statement  of  this  belief, 
which  he  did ;  and  he  told  Mr.  Geseign  then  and  there 
that  they  could  no  longer  be  companions  if  he  continued 
to  pretend  he  was  that  which  he  was  not.  Seeing  the 
way  the  wind  blew,  the  English  lord  screwed  his  eye 
glass  more  tightly  into  his  eye,  and  proceeded  to 
denounce  Mr.  Geseign  as  a  fraud  and  an  impostor.  Mr. 
Geseign's  ire  was  aroused,  and,  with  a  perfect  deluge 
of  wit,  invective  and  sarcasm,  he  ridiculed  his  opponent 
until  the  ever  increasing  crowd  was  in  a  roar  of  laugh 
ter  at  the  expense  of  his  lordship.  The  assemblage 
fairly  screamed  with  merriment  as  Mr.  Geseign  grew 
more  eloquent  and  humorous,  and  before  long  Mr.  Old 
biegh  was  seen  with  a  beaming  countenance  moving 
about  the  outskirts  of  the  crowd,  and  was  heard  shout 
ing,  "  Whop  'em  up  !  Tommy,  whop  'em  up  !  "  A  few 
moments  later,  with  a  lofty  wave  of  his  hand,  Mr.  Old 
biegh  obtained  silence. 

"  Tommy,"  said  he,  <;  I'm  about  to  ask  you  a  question, 
and  it  may  be  on  the  answer  to  that  'ar'  question 
depends  our  friendship;  and  it  may  be,"  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  while  his  bosom  heaved  with  emotion,  "that  I'm 


372  TWO    THKILLTNG   TALES, 

never  to  have  a  friend  again  !  It's  certain  1*11  never 
have  a  friend  in  regard  to  whom  there'll  be  nothing  he 
aren't  up  to  and  nothing  he  don't  know;  a  friend  who 
knows  the  roughs  better  than  a  rough,  who  knows  the 
snobs  better  than  a  snob ;  a  friend  who  could  preach  a 
sermon  better  than  a  preacher;  a  friend  who  knows  it 
all,  and  seems  to  have  knowed  it  since  he  was  a  little 
baby  boy!  I  say  it  may  be  I'm  to  lose  such  a  friend, 
and  the  only  friend,  perhaps,  I'm  to  ever  have,  but 
whatever  comes,  even  though  it  was  hanging,  Tommy, 
answer  the  truth,  the  whole  truth  and  nothing  but  the 
truth ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  lofty  wave  of  his 
hand.  "  I'll  take  your  word  for  it  now,  whichever  way 
you  answer,  but  answer  like  a  white  man.  Are  you 
one  of  the  aristocracy  ?  " 

There  was  a  dead  silence.  It  was,  indeed,  a  trying- 
moment.  Strong  men  in  the  crowd  faltered  in  that 
moment.  Every  sound  was  distinct.  The  waiters 
talking  in  the  restaurant.  Ladies  talking  on  an  upper 
floor.  A  dog  barking  on  the  street.  All  was  heard 
with  awful  distinctness.  The  clerk,  with  his  elbows  on 
the  counter,  was  as  rigid  as  a  statue.  The  members  of 
the  little  company  had  a  grim  look  on  their  faces. 

At  last  Mr.  Geseign  broke  the  silence,  as  a  noble 
expression  came  over  his  handsome  features.  His 
words  seemed  more  than  human  in  their  significance. 

u  I,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  belong — to  the  grand  aristoc 
racy — of  intellect !  " 

u  It's  enough !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  taking  Mr. 
Geseign  into  his  arms.  "  He's  a  lord  arter  all !  That's 
what  they've  always  made  lords  for  ;  so  he's  a  lord  !  " 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  373 

The  next  morning  Mr.  Geseign  was  the  first  to  awake. 
He  arose  at  once  to  a  sitting  posture,  rubbed  his  eyes 
with  his  knuckles  and  yawned  twice.  He  called  to 
Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  also  arose  to  a  sitting 
posture  in  his  bed.  His  hair  was  in  the  same  disturbed 
state  which  has  been  described  in  a  preceding  chapter. 
The  beds  of  the  two  gentlemen  were  parallel  to  each 
other,  so,  as  they  sat  up  in  their  night  shirts,  they  were 
facing  in  the  same  direction.  Mr.  Geseign  turned  his 
head  and  looked  toward  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Oh  !  horrors !  "  said  he,  as  he  held  up  his  hands. 
"  What  a  fright !  " 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  whose  large  blue 
eyes  were  filled  with  good  humor  instantly.  "Say, 
Tommy,"  said  he,  "  are  we  got  to  stay  abed  till  eleven 
o'clock  to-day  ?  If  so,  up  with  the  nigger  and  up  with 
the  caffay ! " 

"  Your  commands — are  obeyed,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
getting  out  of  bed  and  ringing  the  bell.  The  boy 
appeared  in  a  few  moments.  Mr.  Geseign  looked  at 
him  sternly.  "  Bring  us — base  creachaw — the  corpse 
— of  a  fly — on  toast !  "  The  boy  stared  at  him  in 
astonishment.  "Hold  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  My  im 
perial  mind — is  changed.  Bring  us — coffee!  " 

The  boy  went  away  and  soon  returned  with  coffee. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  drank  his  at  a  swallow,  got  up  and  filled 
his  pipe  with  tobacco  from  the  green  box  and  then  got 
back  into  bed  and  began  to  smoke. 

"  I  say !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"What?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 


374  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

"You — my  kind  and  generous — friend,"  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  "are  quite — a  society — belle!" 

"  How'd  you  find  it  out  ?  "  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I  interpreted — the  meaning,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"hidden  in  the  enraptured — blushes — of  enraptured 
females — when  you — were  present!" 

"  I  aren't  a  baby  in  a  pinafore,  Tommy,  so  you  carn't 
fool  me  !  Ef  }^ou  saw  any  blushes  when  I  was  present, 
they  was  artificial  pizen  paint,  put  on  with  a  tooth 
brush  !  I've  heard  of  the  doin's  of  the  critters,  how 
they  dye  their  hair  and  paint  their  faces  and  black  their 
eyebrows  'till  they  aren't  human  ;  so  ef  you  see  them 
blushin'  for  me  they  warn't  blushin'  arter  all,  but  it 
was  paint  and  powder  what  deceived  you,  Tommy  !  " 

"  You,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  are  a  cynical — old 
terror ! " 

"  So  I  are,  Tommy  !  so  I  are — haw  !  haw  !  And  it's 
come  from  observation.  Especially  of  the  snobs  !  " 

"  If  you  were  married,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  you 
would  be — the  most — disgustingly — jealous — old  boy 
— in  the  town  !  " 

"  So  I  would,  Tommy,  to  be  sure.  Arid  with  good 
reason,  too,  ef  what  I  see  at  these  here  parties  and* 
yachting  races  is'so.  I  should  think  that  every  darned 
galoot  of  a  husband  would  wish  he  was  a  monk  in  a 
nunnery  instead  of  a  married  man  ! '' 

"  Pshaw  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Have  you  noticed 
— some  gaudy  Indies — so  sweetly  gentle — I  could  name 
them — in  good  society  ?  " 

"I  are.     I  know  who  you  mean,''  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  375 

"  Have  you  visited — an  institution — called  the  '  Hur 
ricane  ' — at  night  ?  " 

"A  restaurant?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  A — er — restaurant,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  I  are,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Have  you  been — in  Harvey's  Parlors?" 

"  Up  over  a  saloon,  where  they  have  boys  playin'  on 
harps  and  where  there's  rooms  in  which  veiled  females, 
who  look  like  widdyers,  and  gentlemen  is  eating 
oysters?" 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  I  are,  and  I've  seen  preachers  there,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

u  The  females,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  come  there  with 
their  uncles — sweet  creachaws  !  I  have  known — the 
veiled  creachaw — to  meet  the  ghost — of  her  dear  de 
parted — at  that  place — eating  oysters — with  other — 
veiled  creachaws.  Quite  so.  I  assure  you." 

"  What  monkey  tricks  some  of  them  married  women 
does  play  on  their  husberns,  arter  all,"  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh,  "treating  'em  as  contemptuously  in  public  as  if 
they  was  their  little  Chinee  boys,  instead  of  being  their 
husberus,  which  they  seem  to  have  forgot,  arter  all. 
And  the  way  them  married  women  do  squeeze  a  man's 
hand  and  look  up  into  his  face  with  such  a  dieaway 
expression  arter  all ;  and  some  of  'em  has  a  grip  of 
their  fins  which  is  astonishing !  " 

"  Hush! — base  creachaw  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Such 
secrets — are  never  told — in  good — society.  A  man  of 
sense — whose  hand  is  squeezed — by  those  sweet  charm 
ers — the  ladies — bears  in  his  bosom — mysterious  secrets 


376  TWO    THRILLING   TALES. 

— which  the  day  of  judgment — alone — shall  call  forth. 
Even  then — if  he  can  prevent  it — they  will  not — be 
told.  I  carry  secrets — in  my  bosom — but  hush — base 
creachaw  !  I  would  be  burned — at  the  stake — and  they 
should  not — be  told.  No — nevah.  So — base  creachaw  ! 
— hold  your  peace  !  " 

"  But  I  aren't  mentioned  no  names,"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh. 

"  If  a  lady — has  elapsed  your  hand — if  you  have  the 
instincts — of  a  gentleman — hold  your  peace — base 
creachaw ! " 

"Haw!  haw!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Speaking — of  the  charmers,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"  reminds  me — of  an  incident — quite  dramatic.  A  plot 
— for  a  drama." 

"  Out  with  it,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Roland — deHautcoeur — loved  Genevieve — de  Gran- 
ville.  Roland — de  Hautcoeur — was  a  shoemaker — in 
Oakland.  Genevieve — a  farmer's — daughter.  Brought 
up — on  bird's  songs — the  blue  clouds — the  soft  sunlight 
— the  evening  stars — green  peas — and  other — vegeta 
bles.  A  pure  child — of  nature.  An  innocent — oh  ! 
— blossom.  An  innocent — and  pleasing  purity — and 
ingenuousness— quite  touching — quite  pathetic. 

"She  glided — through  the  weeds — at  eventide — to 
love's  tryst.  Roland  glided  over — the  dusty  road — 
from  Oakland — to  meet — his  adored.  Sitting — in  the 
twilight — they  kept — love's  vigil.  Sweet  dream.  Oh  ! 
— proud  moment — for  Roland.  But — poor  creachaw — 
a  rival  sprung  up — like  a  snake.  The  rival — was  a 
blood — Roland  was  not.  The  rival's  name — was  Tom 


TWO    TH KILLING   TALES.  377 

Smith — of  the  aristocracy — of  New  York.  An  old — 
Dutch — family.  Gene  vie  ve — proud  creachaw — grew 
colder — and  colder — and  more  freezing — to  Roland. 
His  poor  heart — was  breaking. 

"  Tom  Smith — -came  daily.  The  innocent — young 
fledgling — the  sweet  Genevieve — was  happy — quite  so ! 
— "  Roland  was  dying.  His  poor  heart — was  breaking. 
He  washed — in  steam  baths — and  wore  electric — belts, 
poor  mail's  plasters — and  liver  pads !  Oh  !  pitiable  sight ! 
He  made  one  effort.  He  appealed — to  Genevieve — for 
only  one  tryst — at  the  old — established  place.  She 
would  not; — but  at  his  urgent — request — she  met  him 
— by  the  hen  house — in  the  back  yard.  Unpoetical — 
and  cruel — Genevieve  ! 

"They  met. 

"Nothing  came — of  the  meeting.  It — was  a  waste 
—of  valuable  time.  They  were  parting.  4Oh!  Gene 
vieve — my  love ' — he  cried  ; — '  oh  !  soothe  my  lips — 
with  a  kiss.  I  will  then  die — in  peace  ! '  4  Base  crea 
chaw  !  '  she  shrieked — in  a  towering  passion.  CI  kiss 
infants — and  women — alone.  I  thought,'  she  said,  4you 
were — a  gentleman.  In  all  my  life — I  never  kissed — a 
man  !  What  would — my  mother  say  ?  Have  you — a 
sister?  Did  I — in  all  my  life — do  anything — to  make 
you  think — such  things  ?  Am  I — then  such — a  woman  ? 
Out  from  my  sight — base  creachaw  ! '  He  left.  She 
went  back — to  the  house — an  indignant  creachaw.  As 
she  looked — up  to  the  stars — her  bosom — so  full — 
poured  forth  its  feelings-— into  space. 

44  In  the  garden  — she  met  the  blooded  —  Smith. 
'Sweet  creachaw .! ' — he  said — imprinting  a  kiss — on  her 


378  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

marble — brow,  another — on  her  ruby  lips — c  you — have 
been — worried  ! '  '  Insulted,' — she  said.  c  Poor  crea- 
chaw  ! '  he  said.  He  kissed  her — intensely — and  furi 
ously — and  in  a  prolonged — manner.  '  Do  you  kiss — 
other  women — this  way  ?  '  she  said.  '  They  would  die 
— for  you— if  you  did  ! ' 

"At  this  moment — a  knotted  club — in  the  hand  of 
Roland — descended  rapidly — on  the  head — of  Smith. 
Smith  fell — to  the  ground.  Gene  vie  ve  fainted — and 
shrieked.  Roland  is  now — a  shoemaker  in  China — and 
— a  woman  hater.  Queer  tale — but  founded — on  facts." 

"Are  you  got  any  more  stories,  Tommy?"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

Mr.  Geseign  arose  and  going  to  his  valise  took  out  a 
manuscript,  which  he  handed  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  read  the  document  without  much  trouble,  as 
it  was  written  in  a  plain  hand.  The  following  is  what 
he  read.  The  name  of  the  author  was  heavily  under 
scored  : 

"A   SKETCH   BY   THOMAS   GESEIGN. 

"  I  used  to  live  at  a  beautiful  town  with  the  affect 
ing  name  of  '  Blood  Gulch.'  The  town  had  at  that 
time  a  population  of  about  two  thousand  white  people, 
a  number  of  small  boys  and  a  number  of  Chinamen, 
and  across  the  river  was  an  Indian  settlement  of  bucks, 
squaws  and  Indian  dogs. 

"  There  was  an  old  school-house  on  the  green  slope 
of  a  hill  in  the  eastern  portion  of  the  town,  and  there 
the  children  of  the  city  spent  many  hours  and  months 
of  alternate  happiness  and  misery  in  the  cruel  occupa- 


TWO    THRILLING    TALES.  379 

tion  of  shooting  their  young  ideas.  I  can  see  now  the 
inside  of  the  old  school-house  in  which  we  were  daily 
imprisoned  for  the  purpose  of  being  taught : — I  say  I 
can  see  it  as  clearly  as  if  I  were  sitting  at  the  old  desk 
which  I  carved  so  energetically  during  the  long  hours 
of  the  day  with  my  jack-knife.  I  can  see  myself  slip 
ping  the  jack-knife  aforesaid  into  my  boot  as  I  catch 
the  gray  eyes  of  the  teacher  gazing  under  his  gray 
eyebrows  at  me.  I  can  see  myself  sitting  without  a 
blush  on  my  cheeks,  apparently  engaged  in  profound 
study,  as  he  continues  to  gaze.  But  let  him  gaze  !  I 
was  hardened  and  smiled  in  my  sleeve.  I  can  see  the 
sunlight  falling  through  the  great  square  windows  on 
the  head  of  Thomas  Geseign,  who  is  peeping  at  a 
gopher  imprisoned  in  his  desk ;  or  now  posting  a 
notice  on  the  back  of  the  head  of  the  boy  in  front  that 
the  premises  are  uninhabited  and  4  To  let.'  I  can  see 
the  pretty  girls,  in  their  neat  pinafores,  deeply  engaged 
in  study, —  how  foolish  I  thought  them,  —  while  the 
boys  with  roguish  look,  are  4  passing  it ; '  or  deeply 
engaged  in  catching  flies  in  the  palms  of  their  hands> 
pulling  their  legs  off  and  plucking  their  eyes  out,  or 
shooting  putty  balls  through  tin  tubes,  or  circulating 
caricatures  from  desk  to  desk. 

"  Again  I  see  them  ranged  in  line  for  recitation,  the 
boys  forming  the  first  half  of  the  line,  the  girls  the  last 
half.  I  hear  the  boys  blundering  through  incorrect 
answers;  I  hear  other  boys  whispering  more  incorrect 
answers ;  and  I  see  the  disgusted  teacher  pass  the 
question  to  one  of  the  girls,  who  immediately  makes  a 
correct  response.  I  see  the  teacher  look  with  pity  at 


380  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

the  last  boy,  but  the  boy  is  hardened  and  has  no  feel 
ing.  He  is  sent  to  his  seat  and  proceeds  at  once  to 
play  with  the  gopher,  or  dissect  more  flies.  I  see  the 
blackboards  around  the  room  where  we  floundered, 
blundered  and  were  flogged ;  where  we  worked  so 
laboriously  with  such  imperfect  assistance  as  we  could 
gain  from  companions  to  the  right  and  left  of  us;  and 
when  called  upon  we  gave  an  explanation  for  our  work 
as  lucid  as  mud. 

"  The  seasons  pass  rapidly  before  my  vision  once 
more.  Top  time  is  in,  marble  time  is  in,  base  ball  is  in. 
I  see  the  companions  of  long  ago  gathered  in  the  play 
ground  again.  And  amongst  the  many  happy  young 
faces  assembled  there  I  see  some  that  have  since 
become  wrinkled  with  care,  and  some  that  are  dead. 
There  was  the  laughing  Jenny,  the  grave  Mary ;  rollick 
ing  Joe  ;  and  the  wonderful  boy,  evidently  destined  for 
future  greatness  as  a  man,  who  whipped  all  the  other 
boys  in  the  school.  The  old  town  hall;  the  church 
with  the  tombstones  to  the  right,  marking  the  place 
where  those  who  had  been  struck  by  the  dark  archer 
were  sleeping  the  soundest  sleep  that  they  had  ever 
slept.  The  graveyard ! — the  only  place  where  women 
stop  talking !  The  city  of  the  dead  !  They  circulate 
no  scandals  in  that  city.  They  toil  not,  neither  do 
they  spin.  Happy  creatures  !  Quite  so  !  A  delightful 
sleep  is  the  sleep  of  death,  undisturbed  by  the  after 
effects  of  a  bad  dinner,  by  business,  or  by  matrimonial 
cares.  I  see  all  these. 

"  The  old  familiar  streets — I  see  them  again,  as  I  saw 
them  in  the  delightful  town  of  4  Blood  Gulch,'  when  a 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  381 

boy.  How  the  shadows  keep  crowding  in !  There 
comes  the  ghost  of  old  Tommy  Squires,  and  he  climbs 
upon  the  top  of  the  cask  in  the  warm  sunlight  in  front 
of  the  corner  grocery.  As  I  live,  he  pulls  out  the  shade 
of  the  same  old  plug  of  tobacco,  gnaws  a  piece  off  with 
his  ghostly  teeth,  spurts  tobacco  juice  on  the  sidewalk 
and  tells  his  wonderful  experiences  in  the  North  West 
and  continues  his  daily  work  of  whittling  the  barrel 
away  with  his  jack-knife.  See  how  the  phantoms  crowd 
in  !  There  come  the  four  remaining  inveterate  bum 
mers,  and  there  comes  the  fat  boy  with  the  chronic  cold 
in  the  head ! 

"  There  was  an  old  brick  store,  with  a  large  green 
iron  door  which  hung  open  all  day  and  was  shut  at 
night.  My  distinct  memory  informs  me  that  this  store 
was  in  the  centre  of  the  town.  I  remember  that  the 
floor  of  the  store  was  somewhat  lower  than  the  street, 
that  the  inside  of  the  place  always  seemed  very  cool, 
and  that  as  a  boy  there  was  a  connection  in  my  mind 
between  the  coolness  of  the  store  and  the  boy  with  the 
cold  in  his  head,  who  seemed  to  be  employed  to  keep 
watering  the  floor  to  the  end  of  his  days  with  a  green 
watering-pot.  This  store  was  the  largest  in  town,  was 
a  dry-goods  store  and  was  owned  by  Janion  &  Jurlice. 
Mr.  Jurlice  was  a  stout  little  man  with  gray  side- 
whiskers,  and  wore  green  goggles.  He  was  the  great 
man  of  4  Blood  Gulch,'  and  his  family  constituted  the 
elite  amongst  the  elite  of  the  town.  Every  Sunday 
Mr.  Jurlice  in  blue  kids  and  broadcloth,  Mrs.  Jurlice 
in  brown  velvet  and  small  diamonds  and  their  eight 
daughters  in  a  variety  of  silks  made  quite  a  rustling 


382  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

sound  as  they  leaned  forward  to  pray  in  the  largest  and 
most  costly  pew  in  the  church.  Among  the  eight 
daughters  was  quite  a  delightful  sprinkling  of  pretty 
girls;  one  was  quite  intensely  so,  and  while  I  sat  with 
the  bad  boys  on  the  last  seat  and  drew  caricatures  of 
the  parson  in  his  white  robes  my  heart  went  pitty-pat 
for  this  charming  creature,  with  a  light  complexion,  in 
golden  locks  and  a  blue_silk. 

"  Oh  I  reader,  do  you  think  that  you  have  discovered 
the  hero  now,  and  the  heroine  ?  Do  you  quietly  titter 
to  the  effect  that  I,  Thomas  Geseign,  am  the  hero,  and 
the  creature  in  blue  silk  the  heroine ;  and  that  we  will 
both  expose  our  astonishing  feats  together  ?  Oh ! 
reader,  I  will  skillfully  stimulate  your  interest  by  ask 
ing  you  metaphorically  whether  you  will  have  it  now 
or  wait  till  you  get  it?  I  think  you  will  wait. 

"  Well,  to  proceed  :  In  the  choir  was  the  eldest  son 
of  Mr.  Juiiice.  His  name  was  Harold.  He  was  a 
good  bo}*,  though  he  smoked  and  swore ;  and  although 
his  voice  was  changing  he  poured  forth  his  youthful 
warble  quite  sweetly  in  the  choir.  He  was  a  good 
fellow;  warm-hearted  and  good-natured; — a  little 
quick  and  hasty  and*  becoming  more  and  more  con 
ceited  as  he  approached  twenty -one,  and  the  fuzz  on 
his  chin  had  started.  I  say  he  was  a  good  fellow, — at 
least,  so  he  seemed  to  be  until  one  day  his  father  dis 
covered  him  to  be  a  villain.  Poor  fellow!  From  the 
day  it  turned  out  he  was  a  villain  he  had  a  hard  row 
to  hoe.  Alas  !  how  little  can  we  trust  human  features 
as  an  index  of  character,  since  the  features  are  no 
index  at  all.  A  man  in  tatters  and  rags  is  a  villain; — 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  388 

you  can  see  it  in  his  face.  A  man  in  broadcloth  is 
what?  A  shining  light.  You  can  see  it — in  his  fea 
tures.  Alas !  too  true !  So  it  was  with  my  friend. 
So  it  was  with  my  friend  till  his  father  discovered  that, 
because  he  was  in  love  with  and  about  to  engage  himself 
to  a  poor  girl,  he  was  a  villain.  In  my  humble  opinion, 
prior  to  that  time  he  was  a  jolly  good  fellow.  About 
this  period  the  whole  family  moved  to  San  Francisco, 
the  father  opened  a  larger  store  still  in  his  own  name, 
and  the  family  had  the  largest  and  costliest  pew  in  the 
most  aristocratic  church  in  town.  Mr.  Jurlice  wanted 
Harold  to  sing  in  the  choir,  but  Harold,  who  had  be 
come  a  wilder  and  wilder  young  man  as  he  approached 
twenty-one,  and  who  was  sowing  his  wild  oats  in  the 
rashest  manner,  at  that  time,  refused  point  blank.  The 
father  scolded  him  severely  for  his  refusal.  Harold 
being  quick-tempered,  they  had  quite  a  spat  about  the 
matter.  It  was  but  the  precursor  of  many  other  dis 
agreeable  spats,  which  succeeded  in  rapid  succession, 
in  which  Harold  hinted  loudly  of  his  approaching 
majority,  which  his  stern  parent  did  not  seem  to  con 
sider  much  of  an  event  after  all.  Harold  was  working 
in  the  store,  and  being  in  a  bad  humor  with  him,  his 
father  humiliated  the  proud  spirit  of  his  son  by  con 
stantly  condemning  him  in  the  presence  of  the  other 
employe's.  About  this  time  he  ceased  to  go  to  church, 
and  his  father  sent  the  preacher  to  argue  with  him. 
This  humiliated  the  proud-spirited  boy  still  more,  and 
he  and  the  meek,  white-faced  minister  had  quite  a  spat 
on  the  subject.  Harold's  father  grew  harsher  in  his 
manner  toward  his  son  every  day,  wore  a  contemptuous 


384  TWO    THRILLING   TALES. 

expression  on  his  face  when  in  his  presence  and  gave 
him  harder  work  to  perform.  The  young  man  lost 
money  in  gambling  which  he  had  borrowed  from  a 
friend  of  his  father.  The  friend  called  upon  his  father 
for  the  money  and  Mr.  Jurlice  paid  it.  That  night 
when  he  and  Mrs.  Jurlice  in  their  night  caps  talked 
the  matter  over  in  bed,  Mr.  Jurlice  was  quite  wolfish 
as  he  related  the  incident.  4I  shall  disown  the  whelp!' 
he  said.  However,  at  the  solicitation  of  his  wife  he 
postponed  proceedings  until  a  future  day.  Things 
were  going  from  bad  to  worse  and  the  younger  children, 
perceiving  how  the  wind  blew,  proceeded  to  crow  over 
their  elder  brother  at  the  dinner-table.  His  proud 
spirit  caused  him  to  reply  in  terms  quite  sarcastic, 
whereupon  such  a  scene  always  took  place  between 
the  haughty  young  man  and  his  father  that  his  eldest 
sister  would  faint  away.  About  this  time  the  young 
lady  with  whom  Harold  was  in  love  came  to  town,  and 
Harold  and  she  became  engaged  to  be  married.  Her 
father,  who  was  a  sea  captain,  coming  back  from  a  long 
voyage,  she  related  the  matter  to  him.  He  went  to 
Mr.  Jurlice  and  asked  him  the  nature  of  his  son's  ex 
pectations.  4 1  never  heard  him  express  himself  on  the 
subject: — his  expectations  may  be  very  great,'  said 
Mr.  Jurlice,  '  but  if  you  think  that  after  he  marries 
your  daughter  he  will  get  the  rust  off  a  nickel  from 
me,  you  are  woefully  mistaken !  The  young  vagabond 
hasn't  a  cent ;  and  although  he  is  my  son,  I  must  say 
that  he  is  not  a  fit  person  to  marry  your,  or  any  other 
man's  daughter,  for  he  is  going  rapidly  to  the  dogs  ! ' 
The  sea  captain  suddenly  left  the  office.  The  kind 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES*  386 

father, — Mr.  Jurlice — related  the  interview  to  his  son 
whom  he  had  discovered  to  be  a  villain.  The  son  flew 
to  see  Amelia,  the  young  lady  who  had  agreed  to 
become  his  helpmate,  and  who,  in  imagination,  had 
already  seen  herself  assisting  to  spend  his  monthly 
income  on  furs  and  seal-skin  cloaks.  Her  father  had 
told  her  all,  and  she  thought  that  under  the  circum 
stances  the  engagement  ought  to  be  broken  off.  Harold, 
being  deeply  in  love  with  the  fascinating  creature,  was 
stunned,  and  immediately  went  off  and  got  on  a  vio 
lent  bender,  during  which  he  refused  to  be  soothed 
by  any  other  liquor  than  Jersey  lightning.  Poor 
boy !  Picture  his  feelings.  And  he  was  a  good- 
hearted  fellow,  after  all,  though  he  was  a  villain. 

"I  knew  him  well,  for  we  were  chums  for  years 
when  we  were  bo}^s ;  and  I  never  knew  his  generous 
spirit  to  go  halves  on  any  occasion.  He  was  a  hand 
some  fellow,  too,  and  his  only  fault  was  being  a  little 
conceited. 

"  He  did  not  appear  at  the  office  the  next  day,  or 
the  next,  or  the  next ;  and  when  he  did  he  was  informed 
that  his  services  were  no  longer  needed.  As  soon  as 
his  father's  remarks  were  ended,  the  young  man  cursed 
the  old  gentleman's  bald  head  and  ugly  features  in  all 
the  choice  vocabulary  of  an  escaped  jail-bird,  using 
with  particular  emphasis  the  oaths  so  popular  in  that 
day.  In  this  you  will  say,  gentle  reader,  he  was  wrong. 
Correct; — quite  so.  But  L  must  remind  you  that-he 
was  both  jilted  and  tipsy. 

"  His  father  at  once  disowned  him,  and  told    him 
never  to  intrude  his  presence  upon  him  again.     The 
24 


386  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

young  man  with  a  bitter  heart  walked  away.  The 
habit  of  drink  became  fixed  upon  him.  He  grew 
totally  demoralized.  He  became  such  a  shabby  ani 
mal  that  his  brothers  and  sisters  no  longer  knew  him 
when  they  passed  him  on  the  street ;  but  he  knew 
them  in  his  tatters  and  rags,  and  he  smiled  grimly  and 
called  them  hypocrites. 

"One  beautiful  balmy  Sunday  morning  the  sweet 
tones  of  the  bell  of  the  church  in  which  his  father, 
mother,  brothers  and  sisters  sat  in  their  grand  attire, 
were  pealing  out  on  the  soft  air.  Harold  was  passing. 
His  shoes  had  no  laces  in  them  and  his  feet  were  bruised. 
His  ragged  trousers  were  held  up  by  a  bale  rope  tied 
around  his  waist,  and  he  had  on  a  ragged  black  coat. 
Some  charitable  person  had  given  him  a  clean  shirt. 
It  was  the  only  clean  thing  he  had  on.  His  old  brown 
hat  was  torn  behind  ;  his  hair  was  long  and  his  strag 
gling  beard  reached  half  way  to  his  waist.  He  walked 
into  the  church,  down  the  carpeted  aisle,  looking  at  the 
pictures  of  the  Saviour  and  the  apostles  on  the  chan 
cel  window.  He  reached  his  father's  pew,  walked  in, 
and  with  a  fiendish  smile  took  a  seat  by  his  father's 
side.  His  father  looked  at  the  gaunt  and  hollow  face 
of  his  son.  He  spoke  to  him.  The  son  answered  in  a 
guttural  whisper.  A  scene  ensued,  and  the  meek  and 
lowly  sexton,  who  drew  a  salary  of  one  hundred  and 
thirty  dollars  a  month,  hustled  him  out  of  the  church. 
Mr.  Jurlice  followed  the  sexton  to  the  outer  steps. 
The  minister  was  coming  up  the  steps,  and  as  he  came 
up  he  was  drawing  his  yellow  kid  gloves  from  his 
fingers.  Both  he  and  Mr.  Jurlice  expostulated  with 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  387 

the  wretched  creature  on  account  of  his  audacious  act. 
Harold  replied  fiercely  and  walked  away. 

"Soon  after  this  the  father  died,  leaving  a  piece  of 
land,  which  was  supposed  to  constitute  half  of  his 
estates,  to  the  poor.  It  turned  out  that,  by  the  time 
the  whole  estate  had  gone  through  the  probate  court, 
the  probate  court  had  eaten  up  the  other  half.  Mrs. 
Jurlice,  who  had  long  been  in  the  habit  of  tippling 
secretly  from  the  decanter  in  her  wealthy  home,  now 
took  to  drinking  heavily. 

"One  night,  her  son,  who  was  wandering  in  the 
Park  in  his  raggedness  by  moonlight,  found  her  lying 
on  a  bench  insensible.  He  stood  over  her,  looking  at 
her  earnestly.  It  was  a  cold  night,  and  the  dress  she 
wore  was  thin.  He  took  off  his  ragged  coat,  laid  it 
over  her,  and  walked  away. 

"  A  woman  who  drinks  has  but  one  road  to  travel, 
and  she  travels  that  rapidly.  Harold's  mother  followed 
that  road.  She  sunk  as  low  as  the  lowest.  One  night 
she  was  standing  on  the  corner  of  the  street.  Her  son 
hobbled  by.  She  did  not  recognize  him,  but  beckoned 
to  him.  Through  the  thick  paint  he  recognized  her 
face,  and  hobbled  on  without  stopping. 

"The  brother  next  in  age  was  now  drawing  a  large 
salary  as  an  accountant.  He  was  quite  a  dandy,  and 
in  his  gaudy  clothing,  as  he  often  passed  his  brother, 
the  villain,  he  would  sometimes  gaze  upon  his  rags 
through  his  gold-rimmed  eye-glass.  Harold  would  call 
him  a  hypocrite,  and  they  would  pass  .on.  Of  course, 
the  former  friends  of  the  family  never  recognized  the 
degraded  creature.  The  persons  who  had  drunk  his 


388  TWO  THRILLING  TALES. 

father's  wines  never  assisted  the  miserable,  dying  crear 
ture.  For  awhile  he  kept  the  rough  accounts  of  an 
Italian  fisherman,  who  gave  him  half  a  loaf  of  bread  a 
day  for  his  services.  One  morning  he  was  found  lying 
on  the  steps  of  the  store  which  had  been  occupied  by 
his  father.  The  steps  were  covered  with  frost,  and  his 
fingers  seemed  to  be  frozen.  He  was  dead.  Quite  so." 

"Say,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  up  at 
Mr.  Geseign,  who  was  nibbling  a  piece  of  toast,  "  that 
'ar'  is  the  best  story  ever  wrote  by  you.  It's  so  nach- 
eral  to  life,  arter  all.  Say,  are  you  got  any  more 
stories?" 

"  Have  you  ever — been  in — Sacramento  ?  "  said  Mr. 
Geseign,  as  he  took  another  dilapidated.  MS.  from  his 
valise,  which  seemed  to  be  filled  with  similar  waste 
paper. 

"  I  have,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Here,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  handing  the  MS.  to  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "is  a  story — I  wrote — when  in  Sacramento. 
I  thought — I  would  send  it — to  the  Record  Union.  A 
second  thought  warned  me — that  if — it  were  published 
—the  ferocious  populace — would  take  my  scalp.  It 
was  therefore — not  published." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  read  as  follows : 

"SAC'TO,  CAL.,  June  7,  1868. 

"I  am  a  State  official  in  the  capitol  building.  I  am 
employed  in  curing  myself  of  chills,  and  in  resisting 
the  fiendish  attacks  of  book-agents  and  persons  taking 
up  collections  for  church  fairs,  dances  and  paupers. 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  389 

My  constitution  and  my  purse  are  dreadfully  in  need 
of  a  change  of  climate.  I  am  married ;  am  of  a  cyni 
cal  and  bilious  temperament;  have  blue  eyes  and  light 
hair,  and  my  name  is  Hopeful  C.  Crane.  I  am  at  the 
present  moment  suffering  from  chills  imported  by  some 
scoundrel  from  the  polar  regions,  and  my  brain  has, 
during  the  past  few  weeks,  been  burning  with  fever 
from  the  other  place.  I  am  perfectly  yellow — as  yel 
low  as  a  sunflower ;  my  cheeks  are  gaunt  and  sunken, 
and  my  stomach  will  not  bear  the  lightest  food.  I  have 
been  sitting  with  a  lime  in  my  mouth  all  day,  as  that 
seems  to  be  the  only  thing  which  gives  me  relief. 
When  the  reader  finds  this  document,  laid  away  in  a 
drawer  somewhere,  I  will  be  dead.  I  feel  this.  I  am 
certain  of  it.  Quite  so.  If  anybody  finds  this  paper 
and  reads  it,  he  will  be  reading  the  words  of  one  who 
is  then  a  corpse.  I  knew  I  was  going  to  die  from  the 
first  day  I  heard  the  minute-bell  which  rings  inces 
santly  in  this  city,  from  the  first  time  I  saw  the  unend 
ing  line  of  funerals — unending  it  seemed  to  me — mov 
ing  solemnly  along  L  street.  My  acquaintances  in  the 
Controller's  office  used  to  look  out  in  the  direction  of 
L  street  and  try  to  cheer  me  by  remarking  that  the 
scenery  from  the  window  was  the  best  in  Sacramento, 
that  it  was  a  beautiful  sight  and  a  pleasant  prospect. 
It  may  have  been  cheerful  to  them  ; — it  may  be  cheer 
ful  to  gaze  constantly  on  a  landscape  in  the  centre  of 
which  appears  hearse  after  hearse,  corpse  after  corpse  ; 
— it  may  be  a  pretty  sight  to  see  the  waving  white 
plumes  and  the  waving  black  plumes ;  the  rosewood 
coffins  and  the  black  coffins  -and  the  slick  white  coffins; 


390  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

the  everlasting  anchor  of  white  flowers,  the  circle  and 
the  cross ;  it  may  be  beautiful  scenery  ;  I  don't 
know.  It's  a  matter  of  taste,  I  suppose  I  soon 
noticed  that  the  people, — ever  recognizing  the  fact  that 
they  might  be  suddenly  called  to  take  part  in  the 
scenery, — old  and  young,  all  danced  a  wild  dance, 
night  after  night,  to  keep  away  gloomy  forebodings. 

"During  the  course  of  several  years  that  I  had  the 
chills,  they  took  possession  of  me ;  they  clung  closer 
than  a  brother.  I  used  to  see  them  in  my  sleep,  for 
they  had  now  taken  physical  shape  to  my  diseased 
imagination.  Hideous  white  and  green  slimy,  crawl 
ing  creatures.  I  used  to  sit  at  the  window,  and  even 
in  the  daytime,  when  the  water  was  playing  on  the 
lawn,  I  could  see  the  outlines  of  their  slimy,  disgust 
ing  shapes ;  and  I  could  see,  too,  that  they  would  dance 
up  and  down  like  the  people  at  our  parties,  on  the 
green  lawn,  in  the  sunlit  spray  of  the  falling  water, 
with  hideous  grins  on  their  faces,  to  the  music  of  the 
bell  that  was  ever  tolling  somebody's  death.  For  a 
long  time  the  cause  of  the  deaths  of  the  numerous 
people,  who  ever  passed  along  L  street,  each  taking  a 
quiet  drive  in  a  hearse,  was  a  mystery  to  me.  I  in 
quired  eagerly  of  every  person  I  knew,  but  they  would 
not  tell  me.  They  did  not  know,  but  when  I  suggested 
chills,  they  smiled  sarcastically  at  my  ignorance.  I 
kept  turning  it  over  and  over  in  my  mind,  and  at  last 
I  discovered  that  I  was  right ; — they  all  died  of  chills ! 

"  When  I  walked  the  street  with  my  yellow,  sunken 
face,  my  friends  used  to  stop  me  and  remark  that  it 
was  such  a  pleasant  day,  and  that  the  climate  was  so 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  391 

perfect,  because  they  never  had  chills  here  and  the 
evenings  were  so  delightful.  Between  the  moments 
when  my  teeth  were  chattering,  I  would  stop,  smile  a 
sickly  smile,  and  while  gazing  upon  the  beautiful  pros 
pect  of  a  hearse  or  so,  conveying  a  babe  born  in  chill 
time  to  the  cemetery,  I  would  remark  that  the  climate 
was  delicious.  And  now,  for  the  first  time,  the  impres 
sion  took  hold  of  me  that  all  the  Sacramento  people 
were  mad  !  This  I  discovered  by  a  process  of  reasoning 
peculiar  to  myself  and  absolutely  perfect — without  an 
error. 

"  I  used  to  see  the  chills  climbing  up  the  walls  of  the 
capitol  now  and  trying  to  reach  our  window,  for  we  had 
moved  up  three  flights  of  stairs.  Though  nobody  knew 
it,  I  was  the  secret  cause  of  this.  A  friend  of  mine 
told  me  one  day  that  he  perceived  that  I  was  in  trouble, 
and  suggested  marriage  as  a  remedy.  I  asked  him  if 
marriage  was  a  remedy  for  chills.  He  laughed  at  the 
idea  of  my  having  chills,  but  said  that  he  thought  it  was. 

"  I  have  always  had  a  horror  of  marriage,  and  it  took 
all  the  energy  I  had  left  to  accomplish  the  feat.  I  was 
married  and  bought  a  beautiful  cottage  in  which  to 
spend  the  honej'moon.  My  hideous  slimy  tormentors 
actually  crawled  all  over  the  walls  and  roof  of  my 
house  and  glided  across  the  window  sills  in  to  the  dwell 
ing  and  took  observations  of  us  during  the  honeymoon  ; 
when  my  first  child  was  born,  one  crawled  into  its  crib 
and  lay  alongside  of  it !  When  I  looked  at  it,  I  saw 
that  the  green  slimy  thing  was  eyeing  me  from  the 
crib ! 

"  They   began    to    interfere    with    my    dreams.     I 


392  TWO    THRILLING    TALES. 

dreamed  night  afternightthatl  was  sleeping  in  marshes, 
or  on  the  side  of  ponds  covered  with  slime.  They  also 
interfered  with  my  married  life.  I  grew  terribly  jealous 
of  them  !  After  my  day's  work  T  used  to  come  home 
and  find  my  wife  with  her  teeth  chattering.  They 
owned  her,  too,  now.  I  would  sit  down  beside  her  and 
we  would  chatter  together. 

"  Last  year  at  a  time  when  my  system  had  become  so 
exhausted  by  the  terrible  disease  that  I  had  to  live  in  a 
constant  state  of  intemperance — for  a  man  if  he  once 
becomes  sober  when  so  affected  is  likely  to  die — I  say 
at  this  time  my  seventh  child  was  born  ;  and  chilly, 
shaking  as  I  was,  nearly  mad  as  I  was  from  disease,  I 
was  compelled  to  tramp  the  room  night  after  night  in 
my  stocking  feet  with  this  little  animal  in  my  arms  ; 
and  to  my  chilled  mind  it  looked  green  ;  but  disagree 
able  as  a  child  seems  to  a  married  man  who  walks  in 
his  stocking  feet,  the  chills  were  worse! 

"  Last  week  my  wife,  myself  and  my  seven  children 
sat  on  the  veranda  in  a  row.  Our  teeth  all  chattered 
in  unison  together.  The  combined  sound  waked  the 
chickens  in  a  neighboring  yard  and  set  them  to  crowing ! 

"But  my  weary  brain  grows  desperate,  and  I  can 
write  no  more.  My  hour  is  at  hand.  To-night  I  shall 
go  to  the  top  of  the  capitol  dome  to  escape  the  chills. 
I  expect  to  see  them  crawling  up  the  outside  of  the 
dome  after  me.  But  I  shall  escape  them.  I  will  have 
left  Sacramento.  I  will  be  dead.  *  * 

"  The  MS.  here  is  blurred  and  blotted  with  large 
tears,  and  cannot  be  made  out  any  further.  I  have 
inquired,  but  have  been  unable  to  obtain  any  informa- 


TWO    THRILLING   TALES.  393 

tion  in  regaid  to  the  writer  of  this  curious  autobiog 
raphy,  which  I,  Thomas  Geseign,  discovered  under  a 
loose  brick  in  the  capitol  dome." 

"  You  don't  feel  no  inspiration,  arter  all,"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  with  astonishment. 

"  I  feel — no  inspiration,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  I  pre 
tend  to  be — neither — a  fool — nor  a  genius.  I  write — 
as  a  business — from  a  base  desire — for  bread.  When  I 
write — I  feel  no  inspiration — I  have  no  moods — and  I 
don't  let  my  hair — grow  long." 

"  Why  don't  you  keep  on  a  writin'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh. 

"The  story,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  uis  a  long  one — and 
mournful — to  relate.  It  affects — those  tendah  feelings 
— which  authors — seem  to  have — to  describe — how  I 
worked — and  did  not  loaf — when  a  boy.  The  hard 
kicks — I've  received." 

"  Describe  them  anyhow,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  the 
kicks  is  over,  so  it  aren't  any  use  to  whine  about  them 
arterwards." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  here  she  goes.  A  quaint 
creachaw — was  I — at  eighteen.  My — fancies — were 
quite — utterly  so  so.  My  ideas — quite  strange.  My 
conceit — quite  gigantic.  In  this  curious — condition — 
I  sought  fortune — -and  fame — in  the  city.  I  wore  a 
ragged  coat — the  tails  whereof — and  breast  pockets 
whereof — were  stuffed— and  padded — with  poems.  The 
ethereal  gushings — of  an  unsophisticated — creachaw. 
My  heart — was  surcharged — with  hope.  Silly  crea 
chaw — I  had  forgotten  --to  bring  along — the  indispen- 


394  TWO    THRILLIJS'G    TALES. 

sable — cash  !  The  first  night — I  dropped — a  poetical 
exuberance — in  a  newspaper — box.  The  next  night — 
it  was  published.  You  should  have  perceived  me — by 
gaslight — reading  my  poem — with  greedy  eyes — on  the 
bulletin  board  !  You  should  have  perceived — the  fiend 
ish  grin — of  delight — on  my  features. 

"  The  next  morning — being  in  need — of  a  breakfast 
— I  concluded  to  sell — for  a  few  hundred  dollars — a 
poem  to  a  hungry — newspaper.  The  stern  editah — 
said  he  needed — no  poem — from  a  man.  The  ladies — 
ran  them  mad — with  that  rot.  Besides — their  errand 
boy — filled  the  office — of  poet.  I  replied — by  way — 
of  a  clincher — that  my  poem  was  superior — to  '  Para 
dise — Lost.'  Quite  so.  '  It  don't  matter,'  said  he — -the 
cruel  editah — 4  We  would  not  crowd — our,  locals — for 
any  "Paradise  Lost  " — or  Paradise  found — or  Paradise 
at  all; — unless  the  author — would  cut  down — his  poem 
— to  fifteen  lines  ! '  I  was  embarrassed — chagrined — 
and  rebuffed — and  went — hungry." 

u  Aren't  you  got  any  of  them  poems  left?"  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  What  were  left — I  cremated ;— -  whistling — as  they 
burned — a  dead  march — over  their  ashes." 

"What  did  you  do  next?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I  came  down — to  the  earth — and  wrote — like  a 
white  man — for  grub,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

After  breakfast,  Mr.  Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  com 
menced  examining  the  cards  of  invitation  and  letters 
which  had  arrived. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  after  having  read  eight 
or  ten  letters,  "  what  a  crowd  of  critters  are  arter  me 


A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS.  395 

to  be  my  housekeeper,  arter  all.  And  they  all  are  got 
the  handwritin'  of  widdyers,  darned  ef  they  aren't !  " 

"How  pleasing — it  is,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  looking  up 
from  a  letter  he  was  reading  and  rolling  his  eyes 
piously,  "  to  find — so  many  friends — in  this  cold — and 
cheerless  world ! " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  however,  was  too  deeply  engaged  in 
reading  an  article  in  the  newspaper  to  hear  Mr. 
Geseign's  remark.  The  article  was  headed  "A  Strange 
Coincidence  "  and  went  on  to  relate  that  on  Friday 
morning,  at  the  hour  of  seven,  Mrs.  Oldwhistle,  wife  of 
the  scientific  gentleman  of  that  name,  had  died;  and 
that  at  the  very  same  hour  of  the  day,  Mr.  Oldwhistle 
of  Oakland  had  died.  Being  an  old  bachelor,  he  had 
left  all  his  property  to  his  scientific  brother. 

"  So  the  little  varmin  has  growed  rich,  arter  all ! " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself,  "  and  what  a  sight  of 
mischief  the  critter  will  be  up  to  now ! " 


CHAPTER  XV. 

A     COUPLE     OF     SCHEMERS. 

A  BOUT  six  months  after  the  incident  related  in  the 
jLjL  last  chapter,  a  young  lady  for  whom  Mr.  Old 
biegh  had  a  great  liking  was  in  an  immense  amount  of 
trouble  because  of  a  love  affair  and  had  called  upon 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  for  assistance.  •  The  young  lady's  name 


396  A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

was  Miss  Jennie  Cranmer.  She  had  beautiful  dark- 
blue  eyes,  sweet  rosy  lips  and  rosy  cheeks  and  a  lovely, 
form.  She  was  brimming  over  with  fun  and  good 
humor,  under  ordinary  circumstances,  and  many  a 
hearty  laugh  had  she  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  together. 
At  the  present  time,  however,  because  of  the  gloomy 
outlook  in  connection  with  her  love  affair,  she  was 
extremely  melancholy;  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  noticed,  with 
a  sensation  of  sadness  in  the  bottom  of  his  large  heart, 
that  the  face  of  the  rosy  Jennie  had  grown  thin  and 
pale. 

Yes,  she  had  called  upon  Mr.  Oldbiegh  for  assistance. 
As  the  tone  of  voice  in  which  she  related  her  grievan 
ces  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  very  affecting,  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
was  greatly  affected.  She  then  used  that  most  power 
ful  of  all  woman's  weapons — a  tear.  She  rolled  a  great 
big  tear  down  her  rosy  cheeks,  while  she  was  imploring 
his  assistance.  All  the  chivalry  in  Mr.  Oldbiegh "s 
warm  heart  was  instantly  aroused.  The  young  lady 
then  rolled  a  tear  of  gratitude  down  her  other  cheek, 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  at  once  declared  himself  ready  to 
travel  through  thick  and  thin  for  her  sake  "and  no 
man  couldn't  stop  him,  nohow !  " 

The  details  of  the  young  lady's  mournful  dilemma 
may  be  thus  described.  She  was  living  with  an  old 
man  and  an  old  woman,  who  had  always  pretended  to 
be  her  father  and  mother.  She  had,  however,  lately 
discovered,  by  reading  some  letters  and  documents 
which  she  had  found  hidden  away  in  the  garret,  in  the 
house  in  which  she  lived,  that  these  persons  were  not 
her  parents  afte;*  all,  but  that  she  was  merely  their 


A    COUPLE   OF    SCHEMERS.  397 

adopted  child.  This  she  had  long  suspected,  but  now 
it  was  conclusively  proved  to  be  a  fact.  Her  mother 
had  died  when  she  was  born ;  and  a  year  after  her 
father  had  died  and  had  left  her  in  charge  of  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Cranmer,  and  had  left  five  thousand  dollars  with 
them  which  they  were  to  give  the  daughter  when  she 
came  of  age.  At  the  date  on  which  she  called  on  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  for  his  assistance  she  was  sixteen  years  old, 
and  she  and  a  young  man  with  boyish  manners,  by  the 
name  of  Henry  Thompson,  were  desperately  in  love 
with  each  other — so  desperately  in  love  that  they  felt 
they  should  die  of  despondency  unless  they  were  united. 
When  the  young  lady  informed  Mr.  Oldbiegh  of  this 
in  a  melancholy  tone  of  voice,  his  feeling  .nature  was 
touched ;  and  in  order  to  conceal  his  feelings,  Mr.  Old 
biegh  had  blown  his  nose  thrice  upon  his  red-bordered 
handkerchief.  The  young  lady  then  informed  him  that 
her  step  parents  had  firmly  resolved  to  marry  her  to  a 
44  rich  old  bear."  This  last  statement  also  affected  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  considerably.  When  he  had  last  seen  the 
young  lady,  he  had  promised  to  try  and  think  of  some 
scheme  to  prevent  this  terrible  catastrophe. 

One  afternoon  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  out  for  a  walk  by 
himself,  as  Mr.  Geseign  had  gone  to  the  races.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  was  walking  with  a  dignified  tread  by  the 
front  fence  of  the  romantic  old  building  in  which  he 
knew  Miss  Cranmer  resided  with  her  step  parents. 
There  was  an  expression  of  deep  study  on  his  face. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  suddenly  stopped,  and  the  expression  of 
study  gave  way  to  one  of  astonishment  and  then  to  one 
of  disgust.  Yes,  there  could  be  no  mistake — it  was 


398  A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

Mr.  Oldwhistle !  The  expression  of  astonishment  on 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face  grew  deeper  still.  The  little  scien 
tist  Tiad  placed  his  hand  on  the  latch  of  the  gate  and 
opened  it,  and  as  he  entered  he  laughed  in  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  face !  A  thought  flashed  through  Mr. 
Oldbiegh's  brain  with  wonderful  rapidity.  Could  it 
be  possible  that  this  little  man,  who  had  become  a 
widower,  was  the  person  whom  the  young  lady  had 
designated  as  a  "  bear  "  and  for  whom  her  step  parents 
intended  her  ?  If  so,  the  fate  for  which  they  predes 
tined  her  was  cruel  indeed !  The  unnatural  crime 
which  they  were  about  to  commit  was  hideous  beyond 
calculation. 

"  To  marry  her,"  soliloquized  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  to 
marry  one  of  the  prettiest  critters  the  ,sun  ever  shone 
onto  to  a  yaller  dog !  to  a  piece  of  yaller  soap,  to  that 
'ar'  little  varmin,  arter  all !  I'll  be  etarnally  bobbed  !  " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself,  "  ef  that  'ar'  darned 
varmin  warn't  born  to  be  up  to  mischief!  Ef  ther's  any 
dirty  work  to  be  done,  he's  thar'  to  do  it !  I  never  see 
such  a  critter ;  he's  always  up  to  dirty  work.  Ef  ther's 
dirty  work  going  on  anywhere,  the  yaller  dog  gets  onto 
it  and  he's  thar'  in  no  time  at  all,  darned  ef  he  aren't ! 
Well,  ef  it's  so,  arter  all,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself, 
as  a  solemn  expression  came  over  his  face,  "afore  I'll 
let  that  'ar'  piece  of  yaller  soap  get  hold  of  her  I'll 
kidnap  her,  darned  ef  I  don't,  and  adopt  her  for  my 
own  daughter  !  " 

All  these  thoughts  flashed  through  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
brain  "in  less  time  than  it  takes  to  tell  it." 

With  the  last  resolve  becoming  more  firmly  fixed  in 


A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS.  399 

his  breast  at  every  step,  Mr.  OMbiegh  walked  back  to 
his  room  at  the  Palace.  Mr.  Geseign  had  not  yet 
returned.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  picked  up  the  innumerable 
letters  of  invitation  which  were  awaiting  him,  looked 
at  them  abstractedly  and  gloomily,  and  then  replaced 
them  on  the  table  without  opening  them.  One  letter 
more  bulky  than  the  rest  he  took  up  and  noticing  its 
bulk  tore  the  envelope  open,  glanced  at  the  bottom  of 
the  sheet  and,  seeing  it  was  signed  by  Miss  Jennie 
Cranmer,  proceeded  to  read  the  epistle,  which  was 
couched  in  the  following  words : 

SAN  FRANCISCO,  Sept.  28,  188-. 
MK.  JUNIUS  OLDBIEGH  :  You  dear,  good  old  thing  ! 
["  What  a  sweet  critter  it  are,  arter  all ! "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  with  a  pleasant  smile.]  Oh !  I've  got  such 
a  lot  to  tell  you !  I  don't  know  how  I  shall  ever  tell 
it.  I  do  believe  I  was  born  for  more  trouble  than  any 
other  young  lady  that  ever  lived.  I  seem  to  be  in 
trouble  all  the  time ;  and  if  it  wasn't  for  you,  dear, 
dear  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  I  don't  know  what  I  should  do ! 
["  What  a  critter  it  are,  arter  all ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
to  himself,  with  another  pleasant  smile.]  Oh  !  dear 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  if  you  only  knew  how  lonesome  I  feel ! 
You  know  how  it  is  yourself  to  be  with  a  cruel  step 
mother  and  a  cruel  step-father !  ["  A  course  I  do  ! 
What  a  thing  it  is,  arter  all.  It's  awful!"  murmured 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself.  "  Bless  her  heart,  the  poor, 
sweet  little  critter  !  "]  And  then,  oh  !  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
never  to  have  a  kind  word  said  to  you !  And  then, 
oh!  to  be  so  deeply  in  love  as  I  am  amidst  so  much 


400  A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

unkind  ness  !  You  have  heard  how  step  parents  ate 
always  unkind,  and  I  can  assure  you  mine  are  harsh 
and  cruel ;  and  your  kindness  is  the  only  relief  I  have, 
you  dear  good  .old  pet !  [u  What  a  sweet  critter  it 
are,  arter  all ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself  again,  as 
he  smiled  sweetly.]  And  then,  will  yon  believe  it, 
dear  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  they  now  refuse  to  let  me  go  out 
side  of  the  yard,  since  that  ugly  old  bear  has  been 
coming  to  see  me ;  and  my  Henry  writes  me  that  he 
tried  to  scale  the  fence,  but  not  only  had  sharp  spikes 
been  lately  put  into  the  top  railing,  but  my  step-father 
had  gotten  a  bran  new  bull  dog,  which  he  found  on 
guard  inside  the  fence  !  Oh !  what  shall  I  do,  what 
shall.  I  do,  thus  prisoned  and  confined?  Oh!  dear! 
dear !  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  please  send  me  some  word  of  hope 
or  I  shall  surely  die,  you  sweet,  dear,  good  old  thing ! 
["  What  a  sweet  critter  it  are,  arter  all ! "  repeated 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  to  himself,  with  a  gentle  but  melancholy 
smile  on  his  features.]  And  then  that  little  bear  is  so 
horrid,  and  his  horrid  name  is  horrid  ;  and  he  persists 
in  putting  his  horrid  paws  around  my  waist !  Old- 
whistle  is  his  name.  Did  you  ever  hear  such  a  horrid 
name?  [uSo  it  are  the  v  arm  in,  arter  all! "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  with  a  dark  look  on  his  countenance.  "I'd 
a  thought  it; — it  couldn't  be  no  other  man!"]  Now, 
dear  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  what  am  I  to  do  ?  What  am  I  to 
do?  You  see,  this  cruel  little  bear  conies  everyday  to 
torment  me  ;  and  he's  so  disgusting.  He's  got  such  a 
disagreeable  smile,  and  1  just  hate  him  !  I  could  kill 
him  !  I  know  I  could  !  He's  the  very  exact  opposite 
of  what  you  are,  you  dear,  good  old  pet !  ["  Haw ! 


A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS.  401 

haw ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  his  visage  beaming  with 
good-nature,  "  what  a  sweet  critter  she  are,  arter  all !  "] 
Now,  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  I  have  written  to  my  Henry  to 
call  on  you  and  to  listen  to  whatever  you  say,  and  to 
be  governed  in  all  respects  by  your  sage  counsels.  If 
he  doesn't  do  just  what  you  tell  him  to,  I  shall  never 
look  him  in  the  face  again.  I  never  shall !  Now,  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  you  dear  old  thing,  I  could  just  kiss  you  as 
if  you  were  my  father;  I  know  I  could,  you  good  old 
kitten,  you !  JENNIE. 

"  Haw !  haw !  What  a  sweet  critter  she  are,  arter 
all ! " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  fell  into  deep  thought,  and  the  sweet 
smile  had  not  ceased  to  play  on  his  features  when  there 
was  a  timid  knock  at  the  door.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  roused 
himself  from  his  revery  and  called  out,  "  Come  in."  A 
sheepish,  white-headed  young  man,  apparently  about 
eighteen  years  of  age,  entered  the  room.  A  silly  smile 
played  about  the  corners  of  his  mouth.  As  soon  as  he 
got  inside,  he  stood  on  one  foof,  fingered  the  rim  of  his 
gray  hat  with  his  hands,  and  continued  to  smile  in  a 
silly  manner  without  speaking. 

"Don't  be  afeared,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  kindly 
tone.  "  There  ain't  no  occasion  for  it ;  so  take  a  seat 
like  a  white  man." 

The  young  man  took  a  seat  awkwardly  and  began  to 
gaze  around  the  ceiling,  while  the  silly  smile  continued 
to  play  on  his  features.  Every  little  while  he  would 
steal  a  glance  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  and  the  smile  on  his 
features  would  suddenly  broaden;  then  he  would  look 
25 


402  A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

away.  In  the  meantime  he  continued  to  drag  the  rim 
of  his  hat  through  his  fingers.  During  all  this  while 
Mr.  Oldbiegh's  face  wore  a  solemn  expression.  It 
seemed  at  last  as  if  the  young  man  never  would  speak, 
so  Mr.  Oldbiegh  said  : 

"  What's  the  word  ?  " 

"Sir?"  said  the  young  man,  looking  more  sheepish. 

"  What  are  you  arter  ?  " 

"Sir?"  said  the  young  man,  with  a  frightened  stare. 

"Who  sent  you  here?" 

"I  don't  like  to  tell,"  said  the  young  man,  with  his 
head  on  one  side,  while  the  smile  assumed  a  bashful 
appearance. 

"What  did  you  come  arter?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  the  young  man,  as  he  put  his 
finger  in  his  mouth. 

"  Well,  how'd  you  get  here  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Oh  !  I  just  walked  in.  She  told  me  to,"  and  the 
silly  smile  now  spread  all  over  his  features. 

"  Who's  she?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Is  she  your 
ma?" 

"  No,"  was  the  reply. 

"Well,  what  are  she  then?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"She's  a  girl,"  replied  the  other,  while  the  silly  smile 
deepened  around  the  corners  of  his  mouth. 

"  Then,  what's  her  name  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  You  won't  tell  anybody  if  I  tell  you  !  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "  a  gentleman  never  re 
peats  what  is  said  about  a  woman  ; — let  alone  a  gentle 
man,  a  man  won't  do  it !  " 

"It's  Jennie  Cranmer!"  said  he. 


A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS.  403 

"  What's  your  handle  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Sir?"  said  the  young  man. 

"What's  your  handle — your  name,  arter  all?" 

"  My  name  is  Henry  Thompson,"  said  the  young 
man,  in  a  bashful  tone. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  gazed  upon  this  bold  cavalier  long  and 
seriously.  In  his  mind  he  ran  over  the  contents  of  the 
young  lady's  letter.  He  remembered  the  statement 
in  it  that  the  young  man  had  been  daunted  by  the 
spikes  of  the  fence  and  a  single  bull  dog.  As  he 
gazed  on  the  face  of  the  young  man  it  was  easily 
explained. 

"  Now,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  what  I'm  to  give  you 
is  fatherly  advice.  In  the  first  place,  I'd  say  it  is 
always  wrong  in  love  affairs  to  be  too  rash  and  reck 
less  with  very  young  critters.  It's  hardly  necessary 
to  inform  you  in  regard  to  that  matter,  because  I  don't 
think  your  disposition  is  to  be  reckless,  arter  all ;  but 
as  I'm  advising  you  I've  got  to  lay  down  all  the  pints. 
Another  thing  is  a  man  may  obey  all  the  rules  and  yet 
get  off  at  Milpitas.  You  see,  if  the  critter  you're  arter 
making  love  to  is  young,  you  want  to  go  soft  and  slow. 
Treat  her  as  a  sort  of  goddess.  You  want  to  sigh  to 
her,  you  want  to  flatter  her,  and  you  want  to  sue  to 
her  low  and  soft,  with  a  sort  of  everlastin'  dieaway 
look  on  your  face.  That  is,  if  she's  a  young  critter. 
But  on  the  other  hand,  if  she's  arter  bein'  a  widdyer, 
all  you  got  to  do  is  keep  your  mouth  shut  and  she'll  do 
all  the  love  making,  and  entice  you  for  kisses  and  so 
on,  for  widdyers  dote  on  kisses !  I  never  see  such  crit 
ters  ;  they  never  get  enough !  In  fact,"  said  Mr.  Old- 


404  A   COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

biegh,  "  that's  what  most  women  care  for  more  than 
anything  else  !  "  Mr.  Old  biegh  stopped. 

"  Thank  you,  sir,"  said  the  young  man,  sheepishly. 
"  I  shall  remember  all  you  say.  She  told  me  to." 

"Now,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  going  on  profoundly, 
without  noticing  the  young  man's  interruption,  "  fur 
thermore,  you're  about  to  go  into  the  state  of  matri 
mony.  Now,  in  the  course  of  time  it's  arter  bein'  possible 
you  may  have  children."  The  young  man  looked 
frightened  and  smiled  a  silly  smile.  "  I  don't  say  you 
will,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh ;  "  it's  barely  possible  you  may. 
You  are  both  innocent  young  critters  and  what  is  more 
touching,  arter  all,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  than  two  such 
3roung  critters  battlin'  with  the  waves  of  life  and  havin' 
twelve  or  fourteen  young  children  to  support?"  The 
young  man  smiled  another  silly  smile,  while  he  worked 
hard  at  the  brim  of  his  hat.  "It's  a  matter  to  be 
thought  of  beforehand,"  continued  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
"Think  of  the  young  mother,  broken  in  health. 
Think  of  her.  You  must.  Think  of  yourself  pacing 
the  floor  o'  nights  with  aching  back,  with  the  heads  of 
one  or  two  crying  babies  hanging  over  your  shoulders 
till  three  o'clock  in  the  morning ;  and  then  worn  out  and 
tired  out  you  go  to  your  daily  work ; — and  bein'  out  of 
sorts,  you  perhaps  get  discharged  for  bein'  impudent  to 
your  employer.  All  this  is  to  be  thought  of  beforehand. 
Then,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  you've  got  to  adopt  rules 
and  regalations  for  bringin'  them  up.  You'll  acknowl 
edge,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  hard  at  the  white- 
headed  youth,  "you  aren't  had  no  experience.  Well, 
I'm  here  to  give  you  advice.  There  are  two  theories. 


A   COUPLE    OF   SCHEMERS.  405 

The  one  is  that  when  a  child  don't  act  right  the  idea 
is  to  whop  him  up  till  he  does  act  right.  The  other  is 
to  treat  'em  with  kindness  and  never  lay  the  weight  of 
your  hand  on  'em.  By  all  means  I'm  for  the  last  rule. 
Ef  thar's  whoppin'  to  be  done,  take  a  man  your  size ; 
but  don't  hit  a  little  critter  what  can't  fight  back ;  for 
to  fight  back  is  the  privilege  born  to  Americans.  Is 
there  anything  else  you'd  like  me  to  advise  you 
about?" 

"  No,  I  thank  you,"  said  the  white-headed  young  man, 
with  his  usual  smile. 

As  the  young  gentleman  continued  to  sit  in  his  chair 
and  twirl  his  hat,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  again  said : 

"  Well,  sir,  is  there  anything  I  can  be  arter  doin* 
for  you  ?  " 

"  She  said  in  the  letter  to  me,"  said  Mr.  Thompson, 
"  3rou  was  to  help  her  to  get  away  and  was  to  take  us 
off  somewhere  to  get  married."  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked 
unusually  solemn  for  some  moments.  "  And  it  must 
be  done  to-night,"  said  the  young  man,  "for  to-morrow 
her  step-mother  is  going  to  take  her  to  the  church  to 
get  married  to  Mr.  Old  whistle  ;  and  she  says  she  knows 
she  won't  be  able  to  resist  them  unless  she  escapes  to 
night." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh's  brow  darkened.  "  I'd  ruther  see  her 
dead  afore  me  first,"  he  said  ;  "  and  as  fer  her  marryin' 
Oldwhistle,  it  carn't  be  did  nohow,  and  ther'  aren't 
nothin'  I  won't  do  to  prevent  it.  It's  worse  than  Chi 
nee  sacrifice.  What's  the  hour  and  what's  the  plan  ?  " 

The  young  man  explained  that  the  young  lady  would 
appear  at  the  back  gate  of  her  house,  in  a  disguised 


406  A    COUPLE    OF   SCHEMERS. 

state,  at  half-past  eleven  that  night.  After  making  this 
explanation  the  young  man  took  his  departure. 

During  the  whole  of  the  evening  Mr.  Geseign  noticed 
that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  in  an  unusual  state  of  mind  ; 
he  was  gloomy.  At  eleven  o'clock  Mr.  Oldbiegh  got 
up,  put  on  his  immense  woolly  overcoat,  with  the  great 
pockets  in  it,  tied  a  comforter  around  his  throat,  slapped 
on  his  slouch  hat  and  left  the  room  without  saying  a 
word.  Mr.  Geseign  watched  all  these  proceedings  with 
deep  interest.  During  the  evening  he  had  seen  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  pick  up  a  letter  from  the  marble  top  of  the 
table  on  several  occasions,  and  he  had  noticed  that 
whenever  Mr.  Oldbiegh  read  the  letter  a  sweet  smile 
had  overspread  his  features.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  left 
this  letter  lying  open  on  the  table.  Mr.  Geseign  picked 
it  up  and  read  it  through.  It  was  the  letter  from  Miss 
Cranmer.  When  Mr.  Geseign  took  in  all  of  the  sur 
rounding  circumstances,  he  suspected  the  truth. 

A  few  nights  before  Mr.  Geseign  had  taken  Mr.  Old- 
biegh'through  the  worst  portions  of  the  city,  and  during 
their  pilgrimage  they  had  both  worn  false  whiskers. 
For  the  purpose  of  disguising  himself  Mr.  Geseign  now 
put  these  on,  threw  on  an  overcoat  and  followed  Mr. 
Oldbiegh.  He  kept  far  enough  behind  him  not  to  be 
observed  by  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

There  was  a  lane  behind  the  young  lady's  house, 
filled  with  tall  weeds.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  turned  into  this 
lane,  and  near  the  back  gate  of  the  house,  seated  on  a 
block  of  wood,  with  his  face  between  his  hands,  he 
found  the  would-be  husband.  The  night  was  a  beauti 
ful  one ;  the  moon  was  shining  and  its  soft  rays  fell  on 


A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS.  407 

the  soft  white  head  of  the  youth,  and  nothing  broke 
the  "tranquil  silence"  but  now  and  then  the  bark  of 
some  dog  whose  sleep  had  been  disturbed. 

"  Have  you  arranged  to  have  the  coach  ready  ?  "  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Yes,"  was  the  reply;  "it  is  waiting  down  at  the 
corner." 

"  And  are  you  sure  she  will  get  dressed  and  be  ready 
on  time  ?  "  This  question  was  answered  by  the  opening 
of  a  gate  and  the  appearance  of  a  woman  apparently 
accompanied  by  a  boy.  This  apparent  boy  came  up  to 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  said  : 

"  I've  dressed  in  a  man's  clothing  to  make  it  more 
romantic ! "  « 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  drawn  his  hat  well  over  his  eyes 
on  noticing  the  companion  of  Miss  Cranmer. 

"  Who's  your  companion  ?  "  he  asked. 

"  That's  something  which  I  think  you  know  better 
than  I  do,"  said  the  young  lady,  in  a  knowing  tone ; 
"  but  I  won't  tell  you  anyhow." 

"  But  I  must  know,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  looking  at 
the  heavily  veiled  lady. 

"  But  I  won't  tell  you.    There  !  "  said  the  young  lady. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  bewildered.  There  was,  however, 
no  time  to  lose,  so  they  went  down  to  the  corner,  where 
the  carriage  was  waiting  for  them.  The  veiled  figure 
got  in  first,  the  young  lady  next,  and  then  the  young 
man  got  in.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  about  to  get  in  also, 
when  a  mysterious  man  tapped  him  on  the  shoulder. 
This  person  then  whispered  in  his  ear  the  word 
"  Tommy."  At  that  grateful  sound  Mr.  Oldbiegh  felt 


408  A    COUPLE    OF    SCHEMERS. 

a  burden  of  care  taken  from  his  bosom.  Mr.  Geseign 
got  into  the  carriage  after  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
explained  that  he  was  a  friend  of  his  who  was  going 
along.  The  lad}'  who  was  so  heavily  veiled  seemed  at 
once  greatly  disconcerted.  The  presence  of  Mr.  Geseign 
appeared  to  have  broken  in  upon  some  well-laid  scheme 
which  she  had  prepared.  She  moved  about  nervously 
every  little  while. 

It  had  been  arranged  that  they  were  to  drive  to  a 
hotel  and  have  the  ceremony  performed  in  one  of  the 
parlors.  They  reached  a  hotel,  got  out,  and  went  into 
one  of  the  parlors.  The  doors  were  shut  and  the  gas 
was  turned  up.  Its  light  fell  in  a  full  blaze  on  the 
veiled  lady.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  gazed  through  the  veil  and, 
recognizing  her  powdered  countenance,  fell  back  into 
one  of  the  chairs  and  a  paleness  overspread  his  features. 
Yes,  those  closed-up  eyes  and  that  powdered  face  proved 
her  to  be  his  tormentor,  the  "  two-forty  widdyer ! " 

"  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a  weak  voice,  "  ring 
for  a  glass  of  brandy!  Ring  for  a  big  one  and  no 
water !  What  a  critter  it  are ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
after  he  had  somewhat  revived.  "  It's  always  a-turnin' 
up ;  and  when  it  does  turn  up  it's  always  in  the  resem 
blance  of  a  disagreeable  nightmare  !  What  are  you 
arter  now?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  sternly,  to  the  veiled 
figure. 

"Oh!  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  don't  scold  her,"  said  Miss 
Jennie,  "for  she's  my  step-mother's  cousin;  she's  my 
friend  and  I'm  sure  she  hasn't  come  for  any  bad  pur 
pose.  There,  be  quiet  now ;  do  !  " 

"What  are  you  arter?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  sternly. 


A   COUPLE    OF   SCHEMERS.  409 

"I  s'pose  you  came  here  to  marry  me  without  my 
knowin'  it! " 

"Oh!  Mr.  Oldbiegh!"  said  Kate  Brumlin,  the 
widow,  bursting  into  tears  and  throwing  her  arms 
around  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  neck,  while  she  sobbed  on  his 
shoulder,  "  if  you  only  knew  how  I  have  suffered! " 

"Tommy!  Tommy!"  shouted  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  in  a 
state  of  great  excitement,  "  take  her  away  or  she'll  get 
me  sent  to  jail  again !  " 

Mr.  Geseign  walked  forward  and  tapped  Miss  Brum 
lin  on  the  shoulder. 

"Miss  Catherine,"  said  he,  "  I — am  Thomas  Geseign  ; 
— gaze  on — my  appalling — features  !  "  and  Mr.  Geseign 
pulled  the  false  whiskers  from  his  face.  "  I — am  no — 
suckah!  Do  you  take  my — meaning?  Kind — and 
generous  friend,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  turning  to  Mr. 
Oldbiegh,  "  let  me  describe — this  harrowing — scene. 
Kate  Brumlin- — you  know.  This  gushing  —  young 
creachaw — is  Katie's  accomplice  !  They  both — are — 
schemers!  This  white-headed  —  young  booby, — the 
unpleasant  child — of  rich  parents,  is — their  game. — In 
his  own  name — he  has  woney.  Their  scheme — is  to 
marry  him  —  for  his  wealth ; — get  his  wealth — and 
abandon — the  helpless — creachaw.  He  is  what  they 
call — generically — a  suckah.  You — they  would  use — 
as  their  tool !  Perhaps  marry — you  also !  You  now 
— have  escaped — rash  creachaw  !  " 

To  describe  the  touching  epithets  uttered  by  the 
two  females  for  Mr.  Geseign 's  benefit  is  beyond  the 
power  of  our  steel  pen.  They  uttered  them  as  if  they 
had  learned  them  by  rote ;  and  the  opprobrious 


410  A   SNOB    FUNERAL. 

language  and  descriptive  terms  which  they  applied 
to  the  white-headed  young  man  fairly  dazzled  his  inno 
cent  understanding. 

Nothing  further  is  known  in  connection  with  the 
adventure,  except  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  drank  seven 
glasses  of  brandy  before  going  to  bed  that  night,  and 
was  in  the  act  of  calling  for  the  eighth  when  he  fell 
asleep  on  his  bed  without  having  undressed. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

A     SNOB     FUNERAL. 

THE  next  morning,  Mr.  Geseign,  being  the  first  to 
awake,  arose  to  a  sitting  posture  at  once.  He 
had,  unconsciously  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  undressed  him  the 
night  before  and  put  him  to  bed.  He  was  about  to 
wake  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  but  noticing  a  gentle  smile  on  his 
features,  he  concluded  he  was  engaged  at  that  moment 
in  dreaming  a  pleasant  dream.  Mr.  Geseign,  therefore, 
refrained  from  waking  him.  "A  picture — of  inno 
cence,"  thought  Mr.  Geseign,  as  he  listened  to  his 
snoring,  gazed  upon  the  round  features  and  heaving 
breast  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  watched  the  fly  crawling 
over  his  nose.  Suddenly  the  smile  on  Mr.  Oldbiegh's 
features  grew  deeper  and  he  murmured  something  in 
his  sleep.  Mr.  Geseign  listened. 

"  Whop  'em  up  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.     Mr.  Geseign 


A    SNOB    FUNERAL.  411 

listened  again.  "Whopped  the  doods ! "  murmured 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  sweetly. 

"Noble — old  boy!"  said  Mr.  Geseign  to  himself; 
"  evidently  dreaming — that  he  is  engaged — in  the  noble 
Sp0rt — of  racing — with  a  childish — dude.  Oh  !  proud 
— occupation  !  Perhaps — in  this  blissful  dream — he 
imagines  himself — astride — of  a  bicycle — ringing  a 
bell — with  a  dude-like — smile.  A  curious — creachaw 
— is  a  dream !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  threw  out  one  arm.  He  then  rubbed 
his  eyes  with  his  knuckles,  yawned,  awakened,  stretched 
himself,  arose  to  a  sitting  posture  and  spat  on  the  floor. 
He  did  not  seem  to  recall  the  fact  that  he  had  gone  to 
bed  with  his  clothes  on. 

"  What  critters  women  are,  Tommy  !  "  were  his  first 
and  memorable  words,  "  and  what  a  lot  of  villainy  even 
women  can  be  up  to  !  " 

"  Quite  so,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Women — and  the 
future  state — are  the  two — great  conundrums  !  " 

"  Who'd  a  ever  thought  that  that  'ar'  little  critter 
could  be  up  to  so  deep  a  game?  Why,  Tommy,  I 
s'posed  that  'ar'  little  critter  had  been  brought  up  on 
cows'  milk  and  buttercups  and  didn't  know  nothin* 
outside  of  a  flower  garden  nohow ;  and  yet  what  a  deep 
game  she  played,  arter  all ;  and  the  way  she'd  took  in 
that  'ar'  great  North  American  booby  from  Washoe ; 
and  the  way  she  did  swar !  It  was  worse  than  even  a 
sailor,  Tommy !  It's  my  belief  that  women  in  general 
and  young  girls  and  female  babies  and  all  know  as 
much  as  a  widdyer  ;  and  even  if  they  are  as  gentle  as  a 
lamb  and  coo  like  a  dove  and  are  as  shy  as  a  doe,  that 


412  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

ther'  aren't  northin'  that  none  of  'em  don't  know  no 
how.  It's  my  belief  that  arter  a  woman  is  twelve 
months  old  she's  up  to  all  the  games,  bobbed  ef  she 
aren't!" 

Having  delivered  himself  of  these  remarks  in  an 
energetic  manner,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  resumed  his  silence, 
whereupon  Mr.  Geseign  shook  his  locks  and  spoke  as 
follows : 

"  As  an  example — to  illustrate  the  truth — of  your 
remarks — I  will  relate — an  incident.  A  certain — young 
creachaw — of  haughty  appearance — and  proud  spirit — 
was  struggling — desperately — with  the  waves — of  mis 
fortune — so  to  speak.  He  was  a  mere — child — in  age. 
Nineteen — was  the  number — of  his  years.  Yet  he — 
was  proud  in  spirit — as  he  struggled — with  his  fate. 
He  discovered — a  young  creachaw — a  fair  flower — • 
beautiful — quite  so — in  the  city — unprotected.  She 
was  an  orphan.  In  the  lodging  house — where  he  lived 
he  got  her — or  rather  procured  her — a  room.  What  he 
made — he  shared — with  the  flower.  For  awhile — 
these  innocent — young  creachaws — were  happy.  Im 
mensely  so.  She  called  him  her — 'brother.'  He  called 
her  his — '  sister.'  Oh  !  beautiful  picture — of  two — 
young  hearts  !  But  times — grew  hard.  Want — and 
beggary— ^nd  destitution — stared  him  impudently — 
in — the  face — and  seemed  to  wink — their  hideous  eyes 
— at  the  creachaw.  Times — grew  fiercely — harder. 
Things  and  matters — began — to  pinch.  She  noted — 
with  sorrow — his  mournful — sad  brow.  He  noted — 
with  sorrow — her  emaciated — visage.  Oh!  poor — 
young  hearts!  He  would — not  beg; — no — nevah! 


A   SNOB    FUNERAL.  413 

with  his  proud — spirit — he  would  die — first.  One  day 
— an — idea — struck  him.  He  would  not  beg — he  would 
borrow !  Oh  !  brilliant — idea !  He — borrowed.  The 
money — he  placed — in  her  hands.  The  flower — ran  off 
— with  another  young  fellow — and  spent — the  proceeds. 
Oh!  cruel — conclusion!  The  arts — of  woman.  By 
Thomas  Geseign  ! " 

"  Well,  Tommy,  I  don't  know  ;  a  man  might  do  that, 
but  I  ruther  think  a  woman  wouldn't,  arter  all ;  unless 
it  was  a  two-forty  widdyer.  If  the  women  heard  you 
tell  that  'ar'  story,  they'd  call  you  a  wretch." 

"And  love  me,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  I  don't  believe,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  that  'ar'  story 
is  true  to  nature,  though  it  is  made  up  by  you,  darned 
ef  I  do  !  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  I  accept — your 
apology.  So  don't — mention  it — further." 

"What's  all  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Oh !  don't  mention  it,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Nay — 
nevah — but  live — learn — eschew  evil — and  seek  wis 
dom.  Go  learn — from  the  sluggard  !  " 

"  It  may  be,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  that  I'm  to  get 
many  hard  knocks  from  women  in  time  to  come.  It 
may  be,  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "but  I  aren't 
entirely  lost  faith  in  the  critters  yet ;  not  entirely.  I 
aren't  so  hardened  as  a  married  man,  arter  all  I  Darned 
ef  I  do  !  " 

"  Oh ! — beautiful — sentiment !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 
44  Exquisite  —  fancy.  Poetical  —  dream.  Quite  so. 
Charming — idea.  Do  you  know  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"What's  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 


414  A   SNOB   FUNERAL. 

"  You  should  move — to  the  oldest — of  the  United 
States,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"What  State  is  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  The  state — of  matrimony — and  long — may  she 
wave  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Haw!  haw!  you  make  me  larf !  "  said  Mr.  Old 
biegh.  "  I  don't  know  but  it  are  a  pleasant  state,  arter 
all.  A  man  arter  he's  married  don't  get  into  trouble 
with  adventuresome  females  and  widdyers  no  more  !  " 

"As  might — have  been  remarked,"  said  Mr.  Geseign, 
"by  that  intellectual — creachaw — Solomon — by  name 
— or  by  any  other — Benedict — marriage — is  a  lotter}\ 
All  men — acknowledge  it — six  months — after  marriage. 
Six  months  later — they  will  swear — to  the  truth — of 
the  assertion  ; — and  six  months  later  still — they  will 
swear  anyhow.  But  the  tickets — are  costly.  Quite 
so.  Whether  you  draw — a  prize — or  a  blank — the  cost 
— is  your  freedom  ; — and  you — in  either  case — are 
sold." 

"  What  a  critter  you  are,  Tommy ;  I  think  you  are 
a  villain,  arter  all.  Are  you  ever  agoing  to  get  mar 
ried?" 

"  When  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  my  dulcinea — 
shall  be  as  ancient — as  the  hills — possessing  no  charms 
— for  that  mysterious — individual — called  another  ! 
Such  a  creachaw — has  no  smiles — for  him — for  another ! 
She's  3rour  own — all  your  own — your  particular  bless 
ing  !  When  I  marry — pigs  will  have  wings — and  bushy 
tails ! " 

"  All  this,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  solemnly,  "  comes  of 
bein'  a  lord  and  livin'  among  the  snobs.  Say,  Tommy, 


A    SNOB    FUNERAL.  415 

do  you  suppose  that  'ar'  little  gal  was  to  be  married  to 
the  little  varmin,  arter  all?" 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Geseign — "  a  part — of  the  varnished 
tale — to  blind  you." 

"  Then  do  you  s'pose,  arter  all,  her  parents  was  into 
the  game?" 

"Of  course,"  said  Mr.  Geseign;  "they  too — are 
schemers, — infamous  schemers  !  " 

"Do  you  s'pose  they  are  her  real  parents?  "  said  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"Quite  so,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"  And  do  you  s'pose,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  getting  red 
in  the  face,  "the  }^aller  dog  was  in  the  plot?" 

"  I  hardly — think  so,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"How'd  he  come  to  larf  in  my  face  as  he  was  goin' 
into  that  gate  that  day  then  ?  " 

"  Merely  —  an  effervescence  — of  his  morbid  —  feel 
ings,"  said  Mr.  Geseign.  "  Or  possibly — being  your 
enemy — he  may  have  permitted  —  the  use  —  of  his 
name." 

"Aren't  ther'  any  way  to  prosecute  the  critter  for 
libel,  or  something?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"None,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

There  was  a  long  period  of  silence,  during  which  the 
sound  of  wagons  and  cars  on  the  street  grew  loud  and 
distinct. 

"  Say ! — oh  !  say  ! "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"What's  up  now?"  asked  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  I  forgot,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  to  inform  you — that 
our  presence — is  anxiously  expected — at  the  funeral — 
of  one  of — the  elite." 


416  A   SNOB    FUNERAL. 

"One  of  the  reg'lar  snob  funerals?"  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh.  "  I  s'pose  all  the  snobs  in  town  are  to  turn  out 
to  see  the  poor  critter  off?  " 

"All  the  wealth — aristocracy — and  beauty — will  be 
there, — and  the  reporters,"  said  Mr.  Geseign  ;  "  and  I 
am  privately — informed — that  the  near  relatives — of 
the  lamented — departed  dust — will  be  greatly  disap 
pointed — if  we  do  not  give  countenance — to  the  pro 
ceeding — by  our  presence." 

"  Say  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  what  a  critter  a  dead 
man  is,  arter  all;  and  what  a  monkey  show  a  funeral 
is!  Darned  ef  it  aren't.  You  see  other  men  die,  and 
you  feel  as  if  you  couldn't  p'ossibly  die  yourself  nohow. 
You  go  to  bed  arter  philosophizin'  in  this  way,  feelin' 
as  well  as  a  man  could  be,  and  the  next  morning  when 
you  are  about  to  get  up  as  usual,  you  find  yourself  a 
grinnin'  corpse  !  What  a  thing  it  is !  What  a  thing  it 
is  to  die  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  got  up  and  Mr.  Geseign  followed  suit. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  immediately  began  to  parade  the  room 
in  search  of  his  clothing.  As  Mr.  Geseign  had  un 
dressed  him,  his  clothes  were  not  in  their  usual  place. 
He  first  looked  under  the  foot  of  his  bed  for  his  socks, 
as  it  was  his  custom  to  throw  them  there  upon  retiring. 
He  had  not  yet  remembered  that  Mr.  Geseign  had  put 
him  to  bed,  so  he  did  not  call  upon  him  for  informa 
tion.  Although  Mr.  Geseign  saw  his  dilemma,  he  said 
nothing.  The  first  thing  Mr.  Oldbiegh  found  was  his 
collar,  and  for  fear  he  might  lose  it  again,  he  put  it  on. 
After  skirmishing  around  the  room  for  some  time 
further,  he  found  his  socks,  and  put  them  on  also.  Ar- 


A    SNOB    FUNERAL.  417 

rayed  in  his  collar  and  socks  he  proceeded  to  hunt  for 
his  shirt,  which  Mr.  Geseign  had  hung  up  in  a  closet. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  not  think  of  looking  in  the  closet,  as 
it  was  his  usual  custom  to  hang  up  his  shirt  on  the 
floor  at  the  foot  of  the  bed.  He  next  found  his  black 
cravat  and  placed  it  where  he  could  put  his  hand  on  it. 
He  next  got  a  clean  shirt  out  of  the  bureau  drawer 
and  put  it  on.  He  next  found  his  white  vest  and  put 
that  on.  Thus  arrayed,  he  proceeded  to  hunt  for  his 
coat  and  pantaloons,  which  Mr.  Geseign  had  also  hung 
up  in  the  closet.  After  charging  around  the  room  for 
awhile,  he  thought  of  the  closet  and  his  troubles  were 
over. 

At  the  suggestion  of  Mr.  Geseign,  they  both  dressed 
in  deep  black  and  wore  black  gloves.  After  they  were 
dressed  they  went  to  the  dining-room  of  the  hotel. 

"  Bring  us^"  said  Mr.  Geseign  to  the  black  waiter  in 
a  white  jacket,  "broiled  trout  and  —  a  porter  house 
steak — well  done." 

"  Rarh  fer  me,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"Caffay,"  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"I  ruther  think  I'll  try  coffee  again,  arter  all,"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Though  I  don't  see  much  difference, 
I  ruther  think  it's  the  best  of  the  two  !  "  The  waiter 
bowed  and  retired.  "Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
"I'm  gettin'  just  a  little  tired  of  bein'  a  snob  and  of. 
snob  business." 

"  In  the  mad  whirl — of  society — all  things  pall — on 
the  taste; — and  the  older  they  grow — the  more — they 
pall.     It  is — appalling.      Oh  !  hideous — pun  !     Shoot 
me — my  friend — for  a  monstah  !  " 
26 


418  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

At  half-past  one,  Pitser  Coop,  who  had  on  a  clean 
collar  for  the  occasion,  and  who  had  polished  up  the 
buttons  on  his  uniform,  drove  into  the  circular  space 
in  the  centre  of  the  Palace  Hotel,  and  the  black  foot 
man  who  sat  by  his  side  got  down  and  assisted  Mr. 
Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  into  the  carriage.  Mr.  Ge- 
seign  leaned  heavily  on  the  arm  of  the  footman  as  he 
entered. 

"  Drive — for  the  house — of  Mrs.  Roguenhanger,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  Large  house  on  Geary  street,  my  Lord  ?  "  said  the 
driver,  as  he  carefully  closed  the  door  of  the  carriage. 
Mr.  Geseign  nodded  affirmatively.  The  driver  got 
upon  the  seat  and  away  they  drove. 

They  arrived  at  the  house  of  mourning,  and  a  gen 
tleman  walking  on  tip-toe  came  to  the  door  and  silently 
took  the  hand  of  Mr.  Geseign  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  They 
were  going  to  take  a  seat  in  a  front  room,  when  a  gen 
tleman  with  an  intensely  melancholy  face  came  forward 
and,  hooking  his  arm  in  that  of  Mr.  Geseign,  said  that 
he  must  come  in  the  back  room  with  him,  and  must 
try  to  console  the  widow.  The  speaker  told  Mr.  Ge 
seign  that  he  was  the  only  person  who  could  console 
her,  and  he  earnestly  pressed  him  to  make  the  attempt. 

He  was  taken  by  his  conductor  into  an  immense  back 
parlor,  which  had  been  darkened  for  the  occasion. 
The  scene  that  presented  itself  to  Mr.  Geseign  was,  in 
deed,  a  striking  one.  In  the  middle  of  the  room  was  a 
rosewood  casket,  and  in  the  casket, — the  central  figure 
of  the  whole  scene,  arid  the  cause  of  all  the  commo 
tion,  —  the  figure  whose  machinery  of  life,  cogs, 


A   SNOB    FUNERAL.  419 

cranks,  and  balance-wheels  were  at  rest.  The  figure's 
chest  had  ceased  to  rise  and  fall.  The  muscles  of 
the  body  were  relaxed  and  unstrung  forever.  The 
mouth,  partly  open,  was  fixed  and  rigid.  The 
eyes  were  motionless.  The  tongue  could  not  taste. 
The  heart  had  stopped.  The  lungs  were  as  lifeless  as 
the  black  marble  of  the  neighboring  mantel.  This 
rigid  figure  could  not  even  move  its  little  finger.  It 
was  more  helpless  than  an  idiot.  The  stiff  lips  could 
not  even  utter  the  murmuring  coo  of  an  infant.  Time 
moved  on,  but  the  figure  had  stopped,  was  stranded  in 
the  past,  and  the  world  and  everybody  in  the  world 
were  rushing  on  and  away  from  the  figure ; — everybody, 
but  a  few  human  buzzards,  who  had  paused  for  a  few 
moments  to  pick  the  corpse. 

Standing  together  in  a  dark  corner  were  three  law 
yers  in  black.  On  each  of  their  melancholy  faces  could 
be  seen  written  the  hope  that  they  would  be  employed 
to  put  the  estate  of  the  silent  figure  through  the  pro 
bate  court.  They  looked  alternately  from  the  clock  on 
the  mantel,  which  had  also  run  down,  and  whose  black 
hands  rested  silently  at  eleven,  the  hour  at  which  the 
deceased  had  expired; — they  looked  alternately  from 
the  still  clock  to  the  still  figure  in  the  rosewood  box. 

The  widow  came  in.  They  all  gazed  at  her  to  at 
tract  her  mournful  attention.  She  leaned  over  the 
coffin  and  began  to  weep.  One  of  the  lawyers,  who 
was  bolder  than  the  rest,  went  forward  and  laid  his 
hand  on  her  shoulder  and  told  her  not  to  give  way. 
The  lawyers  in  the  dark  corner,  with  hatred  in  their 
hearts,  looked  sourly  upon  him.  Mr.  Geseign  saw  this 


420  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

when  he  entered.  The  pictures  in  oil  colors,  on  the 
wall,  of  the  dead  ancestors  of  the  silent  figure  seemed 
to  have  taken  on  their  countenances  the  melancholy 
expression  of  the  persons  present.  The  red  hanging 
curtains  inside  the  bay-window  looked  dark  and  gloomy. 
Four  doctors  dressed  in  deep  black  were  standing  by 
themselves,  and  were  inwardly  denouncing  a  fifth  for  a 
quack,  who  stood  by  the  black  piano.  This  fifth  doc 
tor  was  a  man  who  had  arrived  in  San  Francisco,  with 
twenty-five  hundred  dollars,  a  year  before.  He  had 
spent  fifteen  hundred  for  a  team.  He  had  employed 
an  Indian,  with  long  hair  for  a  coachman.  He  at 
tracted  attention  wherever  he  drove,  and  he  drove 
incessantly.  In  one  year  he  had  an  enormous  practice. 
He  had  been  emploj^ed  by  the  still  figure  in  the  casket, 
and  there  the  still  figure  was.  Hence  all  this  commo 
tion.  This  doctor,  to  judge  by  the  expression  on  his 
face,  was  evidently  trying  to  fix  on  the  size  of  the  fee 
which  he  would  ask  of  the  widow  whose  tears  were 
falling,  like  drops  of  rain,  over  the  corpse  of  the  man 
to  whom  her  mother  had  married  her  for  money,  and 
whom  she  had  hated  with  the  bitterest  hatred,  because 
of  her  awful  slavery  ever  since. 

A  large  number  of  melancholy  looking  men  were 
standing  around  the  walls  or  moving  on  tip-toe  over 
the  carpeted  floor.  There  was  a  stout  gentleman,  in 
gray  whiskers,  grieving  in  the  corner,  whose  estate  was 
closely  mixed  up  with  that  of  the  deceased,  and  who 
was,  therefore,  in  both  a  melancholy  and  anxious  state 
of  mind.  There  was  a  person  who  had  obtained  a 
piece  of  land  in  an  illegal  manner  from  the  deceased; 


A    SNOB   FUNERAL.  421 

and  he  kept  looking  at  the  deceased  as  if  he  thought 
that  there  might  yet  be  a  possibility  of  his  coming  to 
life  again.  There  were  persons  there  who  were  think 
ing  behind  their  melancholy  visages  of  the  wrongs 
which  had  been  done  to  them  by  the  deceased ;  and 
there  were  persons  there  who  incessantly  moved  to  and 
fro,  in  order  to  attract  attention  to  themselves  and 
thereby  indirectly  advertise  their  business. 

The  audacious  lawyer,  who  was  still  trying  to  soothe 
the  feelings  of  the  widow,  and  several  ladies  showed  the 
rest  of  the  company  on  what  familiar  terms  they  had 
always  been  with  the  family  by  assisting  in  the  attempts 
to  console.  Messrs.  Stiff  &  Boneyard,  the  dlite  under 
takers,  were  having  a  whispered  conversation,  in  a 
corner  by  themselves,  as  to  the  fee  they  were  to  charge. 

The  ladies  were  nearly  all  weeping  profusely.  The 
minister  of  the  most  elite  church  in  town  was  present 
and  now  attempted  to  assist  the  lawyer  in  consoling 
the  widow.  He  was  a  bachelor,  and  as  he  told  her  that 
all  things  are  done  for  the  best,  and  that  all  falling 
sparrows  are  noted  in  their  fall,  he  wondered  if  he 
could  make  it  for  the  best  in  regard  to  himself,  that 
through  the  bonds  of  matrimony  he  could  reach  his 
bony  fingers  for  that  beautiful  estate ;  and  a  pure,  holy 
and  beautiful  smile  overspread  his  features,  as  he 
attempted  to  console  the  widow.  He  soon  left,  and 
went  to  his  study  to  read  his  sermon  over  once  more 
before  it  was  preached. 

At  last  the  time  came  to  start  for  the  cemetery.  The 
lawyer,  who  was  fairly  ravenous  in  his  desire  to  obtain 
control  of  the  estate,  jumped  into  his  hack  and  ordered 


422  A   SNOB    FUNERAL. 

the  driver  to  take  his  position  second  in  line,  after  the 
hearse.  The  driver  drove  rapidly  toward  the  head  of 
the  column  and  attempted  to  take  the  position  the 
lawyer  had  ordered  him  to  assume.  But  the  driver  of 
the  hack  tHat  was  to  carry  the  minister  was  there 
already,  and  with  an  oath  he  drove  up  closer  behind 
the  first  hack,  which  was  to  carry  the  widow.  The 
procession  was  beginning  to  move  and  the  driver  of  the 
hack  carrying  the  lawyer,  thinking  that  he  was  left  Out 
altogether,  and  seeing  no  other  opening,  drove  in 
between  the  first  carriage  and  the  hearse.  So  the 
order  in  which  they  came  was  as  follows :  The  still 
figure,  in  the  casket,  on  its  journey  to  the  grave,  came 
first ;  the  energetic  lawyer  in  his  journey  after  the 
estate,  came  after  the  corpse.  Then  came  the  widow. 
The  minister,  in  his  journey  after  the  widow,  came 
next.  The  undertakers  came  after  the  minister.  A 
wealthy  relative  came  next.  Several  carriages,  bearing 
other  rich  acquaintances,  came  next.  A  hack  with  the 
curtains  drawn  down,  containing  a  gentleman  with  a 
flask  at  his  lips,  came  next.  The  three  disappointed 
lawyers,  with  some  slight  hope  still  in  their  minds, 
came  next.  The  disappointed  doctors  came  next,  and 
finally  the  poorer  relatives  brought  up  the  rear  of  the 
column. 

At  the  graveyard  the  minister  stood  at  the  head  of 
the  grave  and  the  forward  lawyer  came  in  at  the  foot. 
The  elite  undertakers  were,  of  course,  in  their  element. 
All  the  other  persons  having  designs  upon  the  estate  of 
the  silent  figure  in  the  rosewood  casket  ranged  them 
selves  around  the  grave  like  a  flock  of  buzzards. 


A    SNOB   FUNERAL.  423 

When  the  service  was  over  and  the  top  of  the  grave 
had  been  smoothed  into  a  slick  condition  and  some  arti 
ficial  flowers  placed  on  it,  the  guests  got  into  their 
carriages  and  drove  rapidly  away. 

The  horses  of  the  carriage  in  which  were  Mr.  Old- 
biegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  were  soon  ahead  of  the  rest, 
even  the  energetic  lawyer,  and  the  undertakers,  who 
had  another  case  that  day. 

"  What  a  holler  mockery  a  funeral  is,  arter  all ! " 
said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  and  what  a  queer  idea  it  is  for  a 
man  to  be  dead; — that  is  to  be  entirely  dead." 

"  It's  the  biggest  conundrum — of  all  the  jokes,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

"  It's  the  only  joke,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  that  aren't 
got  some  sort  of  a  explanation  to  it ;  but  ther'  aren't 
no  explanation  to  it  thar.  Solomon,  smart  as  people 
say  he  was,  couldn't  have  come  within  a  thousand  miles 
of  the  answer  to  that  'ar'  conundrum, — the  grand  and 
gloomy  conundrum.  And  what  a  critter  Death  is ! 
He  goes  silently  sneakin'  about  like  a  darned  chicken 
thief,  when  suddenly  he  picks  you  off  your  roost  and 
thar'  you  are  !  Whar'  do  you  s'pose  a  man  goes  when 
he's  dead,  Tommy  ?  " 

"  Ask  me — an  easy  one.  If  I  were  you — and  you — 
were  me,"  said  Mr.  Geseign,  "  I  would  go — to  a  red 
pepper — climate.  Quite  so  !  " 

"  Haw  !  haw  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  what  a  barby- 
rous  idea  Hades  is,  arter  all,  Tommy." 

"  After — you  get  there  ; — intensely  barbarous,"  said 
Mr.  Geseign. 

When  they  arrived  at  the  Palace,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  found 


424  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

a  little  French  gentlemen  waiting  for  him  in  one  of  the 
parlors. 

"Monsieur  Montaigne,"  said  the  gentleman*- rising 
and  extending  his  hand  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Glard  to  know  yer,  Mountain,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh, 
with  a  friendly  smile,  as  he  drew  off  his  gloves.  "  What 
can  I  be  arter  doin'  fer  yer?  " 

"Well,  Monsieur  Olbee,"  said  the  little  man,  "I 
seenk  you  can  do  much,  a  grand  pile,  you  being  a  great 
capitaleeste  of  beesnez." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  did  not  comprehend  the  gentleman  at 
first,  and  as  he  surveyed  his  face  in  a  questioning 
manner  he  noticed  that  he  appeared  to  have  large, 
handsome  eyes.  And^with  these  large  eyes  he  gazed 
through  a  pair  of  gold-rimmed  eye-glasses  at  Mr.  Old 
biegh. 

"Well,  my  little  pard,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "I  don't 
know  as  I  understand  you  exactty.  Say  it  over  again." 

"  Well,"  said  the  little  man,  taking  off  his  glasses, 
which  astonished  Mr.  Oldbiegh  greatly ;  for  when  the 
glasses  were  off  the  gentleman's  large,  handsome  eyes 
suddenly  decreased  to  the  size  of  ugly  little  beads. 

"  What  a  critter  a  Frenchman  are  ! "  thought  Mr. 
Oldbiegh. 

"  Well,"  said  the  other,  "  Mr.  Olbee,  I  suppose  you 
like  for  to  be  marry  ?  " 

"What's  that  'ar'?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  a  look 
of  deep  astonishment  on  his  face. 

" 1  suppose  you  like  for  to  be  marry  wiz  a  female  ? ' 

"  Go  to  a  marriage,  arter  all  ? "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh 

"  Yes,"  said  the  other. 


A    SNOB   FUNERAL.  425 

"Whose  goin1  to  get  married?"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"You,"  said  the  Frenchman. 

"  Darned  ef  I  do  ! "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  Who's  the 
critter?" 

"What  have  you  say; — I  not  understand  him?" 
said  Monsieur  Montaigne. 

"Who's  the  critter  that's  arter  me  now?" 

"Ze  creetaw?  Who  is  ze  creetaw?"  said  the 
Frenchman. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh  ;  "  you've  hit  it  thar'." 

"  I  have  hit  ze  creetaw  ?  "  said  the  Frenchman,  puz 
zled.  "I  don't  dreenk,  Monsieur  Olbee  !  When  have 
I  hit  ze  creetaw?" 

"  Thar'  you  go  again  !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  What 
a  critter  you  are,  arter  all !  " 

"  I  am  ze  creetaw  now  ?  "  said  the  Frenchman,  more 
puzzled. 

"Haw!  haw!"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "you  are  both 
critters ! " 

"  We  bos  are  creetaw  ?  "  said  the  little  man,  scratch 
ing  his  head. 

"  Sartinly  !  A  course  you  are  ;  and  you  both  better 
get  married.  Especially  ef  she's  a  widdyer,  haw  !  haw  ! " 

"Sare?"  said  the  Frenchman,  sternly. 

"  I  say,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  ef  she's  a  widdyer!  " 

The  Frenchman  smiled  and  put  on  his  glasses,  where 
upon  his  bead-like  eyes  became  at  once  greatly  enlarged. 

"What  a  critter  a  Frenchman  is,  arter  all!"  said 
Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  astonishment. 

"  We,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "  or,  razer,  I  suld  say, 


426  A   SNOB   FUNERAL. 

I  am  ze  agent  for  tree  handsome  weedow,  who  would 
prafair  greatly  to  be  marry." 

"  Stop  thai-' !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  I  aren't  the 
man." 

44  Oh !  but,  my  friend,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "  you 
are  ze  ver'  man  to  make  one  exqueesite  figure  for  a 
matrimony.  You  are  a  handsome  man  for  a  matrimony ! 
You  are  a  fine  man  for  a  matrimony  !  A  splendid  man 
for  a  matrimony !  And  zese  French  weedow  are 
charming  as  a  rose  ;  so  much  to  make  your  mouth  water 
like  a  melon  ;  and  as  beautiful  as  ze  light  of  day  !  " 

44  Darned  ef  I  do  ;  not  with  a  widow  nohow  !  " 

"  Oh !  but,  my  friend,  her  face  is  like  ze  velvet  on 
ze  lip  of  ze  rose  and  her  eye  is  like  ze  violet!  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  bobbed  ef  I  do  !  " 

"  Well}  but,  my  friend,  she  has  eyes  more  brilliant 
zan  a  star ;  she  is  witty  as  Moli^re ;  her  mouth  like  a 
ruby  and  her  teeth  like  a  pearl ;  and  her  love  is  soft 
and  tender  as  one  infant  child  !  " 

44  No,  it  carn't  be  did !  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

44  But,  my  friend,"  said  the  Frenchman,  earnestly, 
44  sink  of  yourself  in  her  arm  for  simply  the  short 
space  of  one  moment  I  Oh  !  mon  Dieu !  To  sink  of  it 
make  me  tremble !  Sink  of  ze  exqueesite  eye,  soft 
and  tender  as  violet,  all  for  you  !  Sink  of  ze  extensive, 
passionate  kiss,  all  for  you,  of  ze  ruby  lip,  so  long  as  five 
minute  before  he  come  to  a  stop,  all  for  you !  Oh  I 
mon  Dieu  !  how  I  tremble  to  sink  !  " 

44  Well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  scratching  his  head,  44it 
do  seem  pretty  good  to  a  man, — but  then  she's  a  wid- 
dyer!  Darned  ef  I  do!" 


A   SNOB    FUNERAL.  427 

"  Oh  !  but,  my  friend,"  said  the  little  man,  more 
earnestly  still,  and  his  large  eyes  seemed  to  dilate  and 
grow  larger  as  he  spoke,  "  sink  of  ze  upheavals  of  her 
chests,  and  ze  flash  of  her  beautiful  eye  when  she  hear 
you  tread !  Sink  how  when  you  come  forward,  she 
falls  in  your  arms  with  expiring,  profound  passion,  to 
shake  her  whole  system.  Sink  of  such  awful  passions, 
all  for  you  !  Oh  !  mon  Dieu  !  I  tremble  to  sink !  Sink 
of  ze  blissful  moment !  sink  of  ze  hours  of  sweet  agony 
love !  Oh  !  Monsieur  Olbee,  how  I  tremble  to  sink  !  " 

41  What  a  critter  it  must  be,  arter  all !  "  said  Mr.  Old- 
biegh,  with  a  beautiful  smile. 

At  this  moment  Mr.  Geseign  came  into  the  room 
and  took  a  seat  near  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  unobserved  by  him. 

44Zis  lady,"  said  the  Frenchman,  "is  one  grand 
beauty !  She  walk  like  a  fairy.  I  die  of  passion  to 
sink.  Her  grand  eye,  how  it  throb  wiz  passion,  more 
beautiful  as  a  tweenkle  of  a  star !  Her  cheek  has  a 
lovely  hue  of  a  sunset  cloud.  Her  locks  of  gold  and 
her  passion  of  love  one  grand  fire,  so  intense.  Sink  of 
one  life  of  bliss  in  a  moment!  Oh!  mon  Dieu!  how 
I  tremble  to  sink  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  wore  an  undecided  look. 

44  What  a  critter  she  are  !—  " 

Just  at  this  moment  Mr.  Geseign  quietly  seized  hold 
of  him,  and  without  saying  a  word  led  him  away. 

The  Frenchman  took  off  his  spectacles  and  watched 
their  retreating  forms. 

44  Tommy,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  on  reaching  their 
room,  "ring  the  nigger  up  and  send  down  for  four 


428  A   SNOB    FUNERAL. 

bottles  of  soda  water,  so's  I  can  drink  'em  and  let  my 
feelin's  escape  !  " 

While  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  drinking  these  bottles  of 
soda  water  Mr.  Geseign  gazed  upon  him  sorrowfully. 

"  Oh  !  pitiable — spectacle  !  "  said  he,  and  he  turned 
and  walked  to  the  window  and  gazed  out. 

The  next  morning,  after  Mr.  Geseign  had  gone  out, 
three  loud  knocks  were  heard  at  the  door.  Mr.  Old 
biegh  did  not  have  time  to  answer  before  Captain 
Grunyon  walked  in.  A  hearty  smile  was  on  his  long 
features,  and  an  extensive  smile  at  once  crept  over 
the  features  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  The  two  old  friends 
fell  into  each  other's  arms,  and  embraced  long  and 
tenderly. 

"  I'm  so  monstrously  glad  to  see  you,  you  old  repro 
bate,"  said  the  Captain,  "  that  I  could  drink  a  quart  of 
4  Jersey  lightning'  without  the  trembling  of  an  eyelash 
for  the  purpose  of  celebrating  this  occasion !  Why, 
yes,  certainly,  blast  it !  " 

"  How's  all  the  folks  ? 

"So  exceedingly  well,"  said  the  Captain,  "that  I 
believe  my  wife  could  actually  dance  a  tight  rope  for 
twenty-four  hours  without  feeling  it ;  and  as  for  the 
children,  they're  so  healthy  from  their  life  in  the  open 
air  that  they're  as  muscular  as  fighting  cocks,  and  as 
limber  as  acrobats  !  " 

"How's  Jack,  arter  all?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"I'm  sorry  to  say  it,"  said  the  Captain,  "but  Jack  is 
sowing  his  wild  oats  with  a  rashness  that  is  astonishing. 
He's  sowing  them  broadcast.  The  vicious  young  cub 
can  drink  more  beer  than  a  sour  krout  Dutchman :  and 


A    SNOB    FUNERAL.  429 

I'm  afraid  that  this  lean  weed  of  mine  is  blooming  out 
into  a  complete  fop.  I'd  rather  see  him  go  plumb  to 
the  deuce  like  a  man,  than  turn  to  a  dude.  I'd  rather 
see  him  peering  through  the  bars  of  a  jail.  He  spends 
an  hour  every  day  at  the  glass,  combing  his  wool ;  the 
part  is  in  the  middle  by  a  mathematical  calculation, 
and  he  wears  a  little  cane.  One  encouraging  sign,  that 
cheers  me  up,  is  that  on  several  evenings  of  late  he  has 
come  home  in  a  coupe*,  with  his  head  hanging  out  of 
the  window.  Another  favorable  point  is  the  fact  that 
he  goes,  to  see  a  4 young  fellow'  of  his  acquaintance 
every  night.  You  will  recognize  the  fact,  Oldbiegh, 
that  this  l  young  fellow '  does  not  wear  a  coat  and  vest 
and  pants !  It's  a  giddy  thing  in  petticoats." 

"  Oh !  well,"  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  "  boys  will  be  boys  ; 
and  he  aren't  the  kind  to  be  a  dood." 

"  One  monstrously  funny  thing  happened,"  said  the 
Captain,  "in  connection  with  his  love-making.  You 
know  Jack  is  quick-tempered  like  his  father.  Well, 
he  and  another  young  cock  called  on  the  girl  the  same 
night,  and  proceeded  to  sit  each  other  out.  Jack  being 
the  gentleman  of  the  two,  had  some  compassion  on  the 
girl,  and  left  at  quarter  past  one.  The  other  left  at 
two.  Jack's  rival  went  about  town  telling  the  joke  on 
him,  and  Jack  resolved  to  cowhide  the  dog,  and  swore 
he'd  lash  his  dog  skin  off  him.  Now  it  happened  that 
the  dog  was  a  blacksmith  and  had  cultivated -his  muscle. 
Jack,  being  a  gentleman,  was  all  pluck,  and  started  in 
to  lash  the  fellow,  who  was  double  his  size.  His  oppo 
nent,  however,  got  the  whip  away  from  him  and  lashed 
Jack  unmercifully.  Jack,  being  a  gentleman,  however, 


430  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

in  the  end  overcame  the  brute  force  of  the  hound  with 
strategy,  and  left  him  in  the  care  of  four  doctors. 
This  gave  a  serious  aspect  to  the  affair,  but,  by  some 
accident,  the  young  fellow  recovered." 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  his  visitor  walked  down  to  the 
parlor  on  the  New  Montgomery  street  side  of  the  hotel 
to  wait  for  a  friend  of  the  Captain,  Jarnigan  by  name. 
They  took  seats  at  the  window,  and  proceeded  to  keep 
a  lookout  for  him.  They  had  hardly  taken  their  seats 
before  the  Captain  slapped  his  leg  and  said :  "  Look  !  " 

"  Where  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

"  Do  you  see  the  gin-mill  over  the  way  ?  " 

"  That  saloon  over  thar'  ?  "  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  The 
Captain  nodded  affirmatively. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Captain,  "  do  you  see  that  strange 
freak  of  nature  over  there  ? — see  him  ?  —  that  little 
creature,  with  his  mouth  watering  for  a  whisky  straight, 
parading  backwards  and  forwards  in  front  of  the  saloon, 
with  a  dignified  tread  for  so  small  an  animal?" 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  and  saw  a  little  man  about  four 
feet  eight  inches  high,  quite  stout  about  the  waist,  with 
a  large  head,  and  in  a  large  coat  with  long  tails.  This 
little  man  would  walk  down  the  street  with  his  head 
in  the  air  until  he  got  opposite  to  the  door  of  the 
saloon,  would  look  suspiciously  at  the  door,  and  would 
then  move  on.  After  going  forty  or  fifty  feet,  he  would 
suddenly  stop  as  if  he  had  forgotten  something,  walk 
back  and  again  look  suspiciously  at  the  door  and  then 
move  on. 

"Now,"  said  the  Captain,  as  the  little  man  stopped 
at  the  door  of  the  saloon  the  second  time,  "  that's  Jar- 


A    SNOB    FUNERAL.  431 

nigan.  A  dollar  against  a  half  he  dodges  in  this  time ! 
No  !  he's  escaped  ; — there  he  goes  !  Oldbiegh,  three  to 
one  he  goes  in  this  time !  No,  he's  missed  it  again ! 
The  plug-ugly  fiend !  There  he  goes !  He'll  hit  it 
this  time  and  get  his  drink  !  Four  to  one  he  does !  " 
The  Captain  was  getting  greatly  excited.  The  little 
man  stopped  long  in  front  of  the  door,  and  looked 
around  in  all  directions  suspiciously.  "  Six  to  one," 
said  the  Captain,  "  he'll  make  it  this  time  !  "  The  Cap 
tain  was  right.  The  little  man  shot  suddenly  through 
the  door  of  the  saloon.  He  remained  in  many  mo 
ments.  "  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  "  three  to  one 
the  fiendish  little  cowboy  is  dodging  about  inside, 
attempting  to  get  out ! "  The  Captain  had  hardly 
made  the  remark  when  the  little  man  shot  suddenly 
out  through  the  door  of  the  saloon.  "  That's  Jarni- 
gan,"  said  the  Captain.  "You  should  see  him  on  the 
top  of  his  large  horse,  Oldbiegh.  As  he  sits  there, 
with  an  immense  quid  of  tobacco  in  his  distended  left 
cheek,  he  looks  for  all  the  world  like  a  topsided  clothes 
pin  astraddle  the  ridge  of  a  house  !  Here  he  comes !  " 

The  little  man  walked  with  a  slow  and  dignified 
tread  into  the  room. 

"Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  "  Jarnigan.  Jarnigan, 
Oldbiegh."  Mr.  Oldbiegh  looked  down  at  the  little 
man  and  the  little  man  looked  up  at  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  reached  his  large  hand  down  to  the  little 
man  and  the  little  man  reached  his  hand  up  to  Mr. 
Oldbiegh.  "Jarnigan,"  said  the  Captain,  "you  were 
in  a  saloon  this  morning  drinking  like  a  famished 
ostrich  I " 


432  A    SNOB    FUNERAL. 

"I  was  on  the  street,"  said  the  little  man. 

"  Hear  him  !  "  said  the  Captain.  "  Circumlocution. 
He's  a  lawyer.  Though  we  saw  him  go  into  a  saloon, 
yet  if  we  were  to  cross-question  him  for  a  million  of 
years  he  wouldn't  make  the  slightest  admission.  It 
would  take  a  regular  legal  dentist  to  haul  an  admission 
out  of  the  little  legal  rogue ;  and  when  the  admission 
was  pulled  out,  it  would  prove  to  be  worthless.  It's 
my  belief  that  when  he's  cross-questioned  on  the  Day 
of  Judgment  as  to  his  vicious  acts,  he'll  make  no  admis 
sions  and  escape  while  many  a  better  man  will  go 
below  !  Isn't  it  so,  Jarnigan  ?  " 

"  I  can't  say,"  said  Mr.  Jarnigan,  solemnly. 

"  Hear  him  !  "  said  the  Captain  ;  "  he  don't  admit  it, 
but  sails  off  again  into  circumlocution.  The  miniature 
monstrosity  !  Now,  Oldbiegh,"  said  the  Captain,  "  I've 
brought  my  friend  Jarnigan  along  to  go  on  a  midnight 
howler  with  us;- we'll  have  a  regular  hurricane,  for 
there's  more  villainy  wrapped  up  in  that  little  skin  of 
his  than  you  can  imagine.  If  you  were  trying  to  get  it 
out  of  him,  it  would  be  like  pulling  ribbons  out  of  a 
conjurer's  hat.  The  more  you  would  pull,  the  more 
you  would  grow  astonished  at  the  amount  of  villainy 
you  would  continue  to  pull  out  of  him!  You  see  he 
looks  as  innocent  and  as  solemn  as  an  owl,  but  that's 
one  of  his  tricks  !  " 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Jarnigan  were  on  intimate 
terms  in  a  short  time.  The  Captain  and  the  little  man 
had  been  old  friends  for  years. 

Before  eleven  o'clock  the  next  day  the  three  com 
panions,  who  were  still  together,  had  passed  through 


A   SNOB   FUNERAL.  433 

such  an  experience  that  any  one  of  them  was  in  an 
excellent  condition  to  stand  in  the  middle  of  the  street 
and  shriek  without  any  apparent  cause  on  the  slightest 
provocation.  Strange  to  say,  by 'four  o'clock  in  the 
afternoon  they  were  in  a  less  intense  state. 

The  Captain  now  suddenly  took  a  notion  into  his 
head  that  they  were  in  a  good  condition  to  have  their 
photographs  taken  in  a  group.  As  the  others  con 
sented,  they  went  to  one  of  the  best  photographers  and 
sat  for  their  pictures.  The  operator  put  them  in  three 
chairs  together.  Then  taking  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  head 
between  the  palms  of  his  hands  he  fixed  it  in  position 
and  told  him  to  look  steadily  at  the  photograph  of  a 
baby  pinned  on  the  opposite  wall.  He  had  hardly  left 
him  when  the  head  of  Mr.  Oldbiegh  dropped  forward 
and  his  chin  rested  on  his  shirt-bosom.  The  operator 
attempted  to  fix  the  Captain,  who  was  the  central 
figure,  in  position. 

"  No,  sir  !  "  said  he.  "  I'm  not  to  be  photographed 
for  a  dude  !  No  dramatic  positions  for  me.  I  was  born 
natural  and  there's  nothing  artificial  about  me  but  my 
wooden  leg,  and  I'm  riot  ashamed  of  that,  for  I  got  it 
in  the  Forty-fourth  Tennessee,  sir! " 

"But,  sir,"  said  the  photographer,  "in  order  to  have 
the  correct  perspective,  in  order  to  make  you  look 
natural  in  the  picture,  I  must  ask  you  to  keep  the 
position  in  which  I  place  you." 

"  No,  sir,"  said  the  Captain  ;  "  I  don't  propose  to  be 
photographed  with  the  slimy  look  of  a  fool  on  my  face  !" 

The  argument  between  the  Captain  and  the  photog 
rapher  was  long,  for  the  Captain  when  he  was  drunk 
27 


434  A   SNOB   FUNERAL. 

showed  that  disgusting  dogmatism,  egotism  and  self- 
importance  which  most  army  officers  show  when  they 
are  sober ;  and  on  the  part  of  the  Captain  it  was  loud. 
The  photographer  at  last  gave  way.  The  Captain's 
point-blank  assertions  and  flat  contradictions,  and  his 
assumption  of  the  whole  argument — a  method  which 
he  had  learned  to  apply  with  much  skill  in  the  army — 
triumphed  over  all  reason. 

The  artist  now  proceeded  to  take  the  photograph. 
During  the  process  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  chin  sunk  down  on 
his  chest  again.  The  photographer  went  into  a  little 
dark  closet  arid  came  out  with  the  negative,  which  he 
showed  to  the  Captain.  The  Captain,  who  was  the 
central  figure,  as  has  been  stated,  appeared  with  his 
head  thrown  back  and  his  forehead  was  deeply  wrin 
kled.  A  stern  and  rigid  look  was  in  his  eyes.  His 
head  being  thrown  back  the  observer  looked  up  into 
his  nostrils,  which  appeared  to  be  fearfully  distended ; 
and  his  ears  had  assumed  double  their  ordinary  pro 
portions. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh,  with  his  chin  on  his  chest,  and  a  silly 
look  on  his  face,  was  to  the  right ;  arid  Mr.  Jarnigan, 
with  his  head  down  and  his  feet  dangling  in  the  air, 
was  to  the  left. 

The  Captain  looked  long  and  solemnly  at  the  picture, 
and  then  remarked  that  it  was  an  immensely  fine  like 
ness,  being  perfectly  true  to  nature  and  the  only 
natural  likeness  he  had  ever  seen. 


THK  BOARDING  SCHOOL.          435 

CHAPTER  XVII. 

THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL. 

A  GAIN  gloomy  thoughts  fill  the  mind  of  the  melaii- 
J_jL  choly  scribe  ;  again  his  sickly  visage  becomes  elon 
gated  by  sorrow ;  and  if  the  now  wretched  scribe 
advocated  weeping  for  men  as  well  as  women  as  did 
the  great  novelist,  Bulwer,  his  features  would  be  moist 
ened  by  a  shower  of  tears !  However,  as  he  considers 
weeping  a  practice  that  should  be  rigidly  confined  to 
the  other  sex,  to  small  boys  and  to  crocodiles,  he  does 
not  weep  a  tear ;  but  he  wears,  nevertheless,  a  hide 
ously  melancholy  appearance  at  the  present  moment. 

Alas !  for  poor  human  nature  !  Oh !  ah !  alas ! 
Even  the  greatest  of  human  beings  have  had  their  weak 
points.  Solomon  was  fond  of  his  sickly  little  wife. 
Jonah  had  a  weakness  for  whales,  and  told  a  fish  story. 
Some  of  the  greatest  statesmen  have  had  the  weakness 
to  become  jealous  of  their  wives.  The  great  Montezuma 
had  the  weakness  to  be  superstitious.  Cortez  had  the 
weakness  to  be  a  rake,  and  Napoleon  with  all  his 
mighty  intellect  had  the  disgusting  habit  of  pinching 
the  ears  of  his  friends.  This  made  them  smile,  but 
they  smiled  a  very  disagreeable  smile.  And  now,  we 
have  to  relate  the  fact  that  that  wonderful  being,  as 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  thought  him,  Thomas  Geseign,  was 
obstinate  and  hard-headed  to  an  intense  degree  ;  and 
this  peculiarity  of  Mr.  Geseign's  nature  caused  the 
melancholy  event  which  we  are  about  to  relate. 


436          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  standing  in  his  shirt  and  stocking 
feet  one  morning  before  the  looking-glass.  Although 
he  had  just  discovered  the  fact  that  there  were  no  but 
tons  on  his  shirt,  a  good-humored  smile  was  still  playing 
on  his  features,  when  Mr.  Geseign,  who  was  standing 
in  deshabille  before  a  looking-glass  in  the  next  room, 
made  some  remark  which  showed  his  ignorance  on  a 
question  of  mining.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  attempted  to  correct 
him,  but  Mr.  Geseign  stubbornly  maintained  that  his 
view  of  the  matter  was  correct.  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  brow 
became  overclouded  for  the  first  time  in  many  days. 

"  You  know,  Tommy,"  said  he,  "I'd  give  up  to  you 
about  anything  else  whatever;  but  on  mining,  being  an 
old  miner,  who  came  to  the  mines  in  the  days  of  '49,  it 
carn't  be  did  for  no  man,  nohow.  You  might  as  well 
go  and  tell  a  shoemaker  how  to  drive  his  pegs,  and  how 
to  bore  with  his  awl,  as  to  tell  a  reg'lar  'Forty-niner 
about  mining!  It  aren't  to  be  done  by  no  man  on  no 
account,  nohow !  " 

It  pains  the  scribe  to  relate  the  fact  that  Mr.  Geseign 
now  maintained  with  still  greater  obstinacy  that  he 
was  right  and  that  Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  wrong ;  and  that 
he  actually  gave  expression  to  a  sneer  against  not  only 
'Forty-niners  but  also  against  the  few  individuals  of 
'Forty-eight,  asserting  that  they  were  "worn  out  old 
rags,"  and  founding  this  assertion  upon  the  plausible 
theory  that  a  man  is  at  his  best  between  the  ages  of 
twenty-one  and  thirty.  It  was  beyond  the  powers  of 
human  endurance  to  stand  this,  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  got 
angry  with  Mr.  Geseign.  Of  course,  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
was  so  little  in  the  habit  of  getting  angry  with  anyone 


THE    BOARDING   SCHOOL.  437 

that  it  was  very  clumsily  done ;  nevertheless,  he  did 
get  angry  and  high  words  passed  between  the  two 
friends. 

As  soon  as  Mr.  Geseign  could  get  on  his  pantaloons 
he  left  the  room.  In  a  moment  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  lost 
all  his  anger,  and  his  bosom  was  filled  with  sadness,  for 
he  cast  the  whole  blame  for  what  had  occurred  upon 
himself.  He  hurried  down  stairs,  but  Mr.  Geseign  was 
gone.  He  inquired  for  him,  but  no  one  had  seen  his 
friend.  For  weeks  Mr.  Oldbiegh  continued  to  hunt 
for  Mr.  Geseign,  but  could  find  no  trace  of  him. 

During  the  whole  of  this  time  Mr.  Oldbiegh  never 
was  seen  to  smile.  He  seldom  spoke  to  anyone,  and 
his  features  were  covered  with  gloom.  He  did  not 
seem  to  be  himself,  and  he  lost  his  appetite  and  lived 
almost  exclusively  on  chicken  broth.  He  did  not 
express  his  grief,  but  mourned  inwardly. 

His  only  relief  seemed  to  be  in  going  to  the  theaters 
and  watching  the  ballet  girls,  whom  he  told  an  acquaint 
ance  he  considered  to  be  "  sweet  critters,  arter-all !  " 
This  appeared  to  be  the  sole  amusement  of  which  he 
did  not  tire. 

One  evening  some  rich  acquaintances  invited  him  to 
share  their  box  at  the  California  Theater.  In  the 
middle  of  the  performance  he  happened  to  look  up  at 
the  gallery.  He  could  hardly  believe  his  eyes  when  he 
saw  Mr.  Geseign  sitting  there  composedly  amidst  a 
crowd  of  newsboys,  eating  peanuts.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
became  greatly  excited  and  rushed  from  the  box.  Mr. 
Geseign  saw  him  coming  and  rapidly  disappeared  from 
the  gallery,  upsetting  a  number  of  urchins  in  his  flight. 


438          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

It  is  needless  to  say  that  when  Mr.  Oldbiegh  reached 
the  gallery,  he  found  Mr.  Geseign  gone  and  another 
person  in  his  place.  With  a  sad  heart  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
returned  to  his  friends. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  now  employed  a  detective. to  hunt  for 
Mr.  Geseign.  Every  day  or  two  the  detective  brought 
in  a  new  clue  and  presented  his  bill  for  the  same. 
During  this  period  Mr.  Oldbiegh  could  have  been  seen 
almost  daily  reading  the  theatrical  posiers  on  the  fences 
and  walls ;  and  he  attended  those  theaters  at  which 
could  be  seen  the  ballet  girls,  who  appeared  more 
charming  on  each  occasion  he  saw  them.  In  the  course 
of  time  his  taste  became  vitiated,  and  he  could  often  be 
found  sitting,  gloomy  and  companionless,  in  some  dive, 
watching  the  actresses,  whom  he  informed  a  friend  he 
considered  to  be,  like  the  ballet  girls,  sweet  critters, 
arter  all !  In  these  places  he  had  his  pockets  picked 
three  times  and  on  one  occasion  the  watch  that  he  prized 
so  much  was  taken  from  him.  Strange  to  say,  it  was 
mysteriously  returned  to  him  the  next  day.  The  same 
thing  happened  to  him  on  several  occasions  afterwards. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  astounded. 

One  evening  Mr.  Oldbiegh  met  a  woman  of  fine 
appearance  and  handsomely  dressed  on  the  street. 
She  was  in  great  tribulation.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  saw  she 
was  trying  to  conduct  a  drunken  man  along  the  side 
walk  but,  being  obstinate,  she  could  do  nothing  with 
him.  She  turned  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  who  had  stopped, 
and  telling  him  that  the  man  was  her  brother,  begged 
him  to  see  him  safely  to  some  hotel.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
did  so,  aud  the  next  day  the  man,  who  during  his 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  439 

drunkenness  had  had  his  pockets  picked  by  somebody, 
had  him  arrested  for  robbing  him.  Through  some 
mysterious  agency  the  charges  were  dismissed,  and 
the  man  apologized  for  his  action.  Some  one  was 
evidently  watching  over  Mr.  Oldbiegh. 

Need  we  suggest  to  the  reader  the  name  of  Mr. 
Geseign?  If  the  reader  concludes  that  Mr.  Geseign 
was  the  unknown  friend  and  then  desires  an  explana 
tion  for  all  Mr.  Geseign 's  conduct,  we  shall  have  to 
leave  him  to  come  to  his  own  conclusion.  We  can 
only  say  that  the  workings  of  the  human  mind  and 
the  mainsprings  of  human  conduct  are  sometimes 
strange  in  the  extreme.  It  may  have  been  that  the 
entire  trouble  was  but  a  scheme  on  the  part  of  Mr. 
Geseign  to  prove  to  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  he  was  indis 
pensable  to  him,  or  it  may  have  been  that  the  whole 
proceeding  was  one  of  sentiment  and  feeling  on  the 
part  of  Mr.  Geseign. — Quien  Sabe? 

On  one  occasion  a  ball  was  given  to  the  Governor  of 
the  State  at  the  Mechanics'  Pavilion  in  San  Francisco. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  was  invited  to  go  with  a  company  of  the 
e*lite,  who  intended  to  form  a  select  set  by  themselves, 
apart  from  what  they  termed  the  "riff-raff,"  "rabble," 
or  "dangerous  element;  "  and  it  was  expected  that  the 
Governor  would  associate  with  the  less  dangerous  e*lite 
during  the  evening. 

It  was  a  rainy,  windy  night,  and  on  his  way  to  the 
Pavilion,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  had  rolled  his  pantaloons  half 
way  up  to  the  tops  of  his  boots.  As  the  music  for  the 
grand  march  was  playing  when  he  went  into  the 
dressing-room,  he  forgot  to  unroll  one  leg  of  his  panta- 


440          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

loons.  Rushing  out  to  the  main  floor  of  the  building, 
he  took  his  lady  on  his  arm,  assumed  the  position  next 
behind  the  Governor,  and,  with  a  smile  on  his  broad 
features,  arid  one  of  the  legs  of  his  pantaloons  rolled 
almost  up  to  his  knee,  he  commenced  the  march.  The 
building  was  brilliantly  lighted.  Gay  ladies,  festive 
gentlemen  and  many  mammas,  all  smiling,  talking, 
fluttering,  blushing,  and  waving  their  fans,  were  in  the 
galleries.  Forming  the  first  part  of  the  long  line  of 
persons,  participating  in  the  grand  march,  was  the  choice 
set  of  the  elite.  Next  came  a  class  of  poor  but  respecta 
ble  persons  ;  and  forming  the  remaining  two  thirds  of 
the  line  was  a  mixture  of  "  fellers  "  and  their  "  girls," 
and  "girls"  with  their  "fellers."  The  "fellers"  wore 
"  Mazeppas,"  high-heeled  boots  and  spring-pants.  The 
"  girls  "  wore  their  hair  banged  on  their  foreheads,  their 
toes  were  turned  in,  and  their  dresses  bulged  out  from 
their  knees. 

The  band  in  blue  uniforms,  brass  buttons  and  gold 
lace,  with  their  brass  instruments,  were  sitting  on  the 
south  side  of  the  building  on  a  raised  platform.  The 
Governor's  staff,  in  uniforms  more  dazzling  than  the 
sun  itself,  were  also  at  the  front  of  the  column ;  and 
by  the  stern  expressions  on  their  noble  faces,  it  was 
evident  that  they  intended  to  lead  that  column  on  to 
victory  or  die  on  the  field  of  glory. 

After  the  first  dance,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  the  Governor 
were  sitting  side  by  side,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  unconsciously 
occupying  a  chair  intended  for  one  of  the  many  re 
nowned  Generals  present.  While  gazing  at  the  far  end 
of  the  building,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  saw  that  a  door  opened 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  441 

through  that  end  of  the  edifice  into  a  bar-room.  Sud 
denly  a  sound  like  that  of  soldiers  marching  to  battle 
sent  a  thrill  through  the  audience  ;  and  an  officer  in 
epaulets  of  enormous  size,  whose  sword  dragged  on  the 
floor  after  him,  came  marching  backwards  through  the 
door  of  the  bar-room,  carrying  an  open  book  of  infan 
try  tactics  in  his  hand,  from  the  pages  of  which  he 
constantly  read -the  orders,  which  he  gave  in  a  harsh 
and  unkind  voice  to  a  company  of  soldiers,  who  now 
came  marching  after  him  out  of  the  bar-room,  two 
abreast.  They  wore  high  fur  caps,  had  leather  straps 
under  their  chins,  and  every  man  in  the  company  had 
a  wicked,  ferocious  and  desperate  look. 

They  were  formed  in  line  before  the  Governor,  who 
arose  and  gave  them  a  military  salute.  Mr.  Oldbiegh 
thereupon  arose  also,  smiled,  and  gave  them  a  lofty 
salute.  As  their  bloodthirsty  appetites  seemed  now  to 
be  satisfied,  they  retired  to  the  bar-room  above  men 
tioned,  at  the  far  end  of  the  building,  and,  after  taking 
a  cocktail,  disbanded.  The  danger  being  apparently 
over,  the  dancing  now  continued  through  the  rest  of 
the  evening,  and  the  dancers  were  not  again  molested. 

The  elite  danced  in  a  set  at  one  end  of  the  room. 
What  will  be  the  reader's  surprise  when  we  say  that 
late  in  the  evening  Mr.  Oldbiegh  saw  Mr.  Geseign 
"  pivoting "  with  Becky,  the  pretty  maid  of  the 
Golden  Chariot,  at  the  far  end  of  the  apartment !  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  immediately  hurried  to  that  end  of  the  room, 
but  before  he  got  there  Mr.  Geseign  had  disappeared. 

A  few  days  after  this  the  detective  whom  Mr.  Old 
biegh  had  employed  found  a  handkerchief  belonging 


442          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

to  Mr.  Geseign.  After  being  paid  for  this  clue,  he 
told  Mr.  Oldbiegh  that  he  was  sure  he  would  now  soon 
discover  Mr.  Geseign's  whereabouts. 

Somewhat  later  Mr.  Geseign  was  discovered  in  a 
young  ladies'  boarding  school.  He  had  been  employed 
to  keep  the  books  of  the  establishment.  Before  de 
scribing  the  affecting  meeting  between  Mr.  Geseign 
and  Mr.  Oldbiegh,  we  shall  describe  the  institution  as 
Mr.  Geseign  saw  it. 

Mr.  Geseign  had  been  keeping  the  accounts  of  the 
boarding  school  for  a  week.  During  that  week  he  had 
gained  a  thorough  insight  into  the  workings  of  the 
mysterious  establishment.  He  then  came  to  the  con 
clusion  that  the  opportunities  boarders  have  to  gain 
knowledge  in  a  boarding  school  are  quite  extensive. 
He  saw  clearly  that  as  this  institution  was  similar  to  a 
penitentiary  in  many  respects,  the  young  ladies  natu 
rally  acquired  much  of  that  valuable  information  which 
is  otherwise  to  be  had  only  by  a  course  of  study  in  a 
State's  prison.  Mr.  Geseign  realized  the  fact  that  when 
young  girls  are  just  becoming  old  enough  to  recognize 
many  of  the  frivolous  acts  performed  by  their  parents, 
those  parents  sometimes  send  them  to  jail  in  a  boarding 
school  for  four  years  to  have  them  out  of  the  way ; 
also  that  other  parents  placed  them  in  this  sad  con 
finement  because  it  was  the  fashion  in  good  society  to 
do  so ;  that  still  others  did  it  through  ignorance  of  the 
vicious  knowledge  which  young  females  sometimes 
acquire  at  such  institutions ;  and  that  most  persons 
send  them  there  because  most  persons  have  not  ac 
quired  the  delightful  art  of  thinking  for  themselves  ; — 


THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL.          443 

and  because  of  all  these  interesting  reasons,  they  send 
young  girls,  when  they  are  most  in  need  of  a  home,  a 
mother's  care,  a  father's  counsel,  and  a  brother's  expres 
sion  of  universal  knowledge, — they  send  them  to  be 
confined  for  years  with  a  gang  of  strangers,  in  an  arti 
ficial  society,  composed  of  servants,  of  other  girls  like 
themselves,  and  often  of  narrow-minded  and  ancient 
maids  who  have  become  soured,  embittered,  and  tyran 
nical  because  of  the  failure  of  the  many  schemes  which 
they  have  laid  to  procure  a  husband  and  helpmeet. 
The  young  females  have  none  of  that  association  with 
the  other  sex  which  is  so  beneficial  to  both  ; — unless 
it  be  with  the  mule  cousin  or  brother  of  the  principal, 
who  always  resides  at  such  institutions ;  but  no  one 
will  be  so  rash  as  to  claim  that  this  association  is  bene 
ficial. 

Amidst  the  bitterness  of  soured  minds,  the  hysterical 
giddiness  of  similar  girls,  the  intellectual  conversation 
of  the  servants  and  the  cousin  or  brother,  they  thus 
learn  the  household  duties  which  they  are  afterwards 
to  perform.  No  persons  will  refuse  their  sincerest  sym 
pathy  to  the  wretched  husband,  for  whose  benefit  they 
will  practice  the  household  duties,  a  knowledge  of 
which  they  have  thus  obtained. 

One  cold,  foggy  morning  the  brick  building  in  which 
Mr.  Geseign  was  employed  wore  a  black  and  chilly 
aspect.  A  crowd  of  pretty,  pale-faced  girls  were  seen 
gazing  out  of  one  of  the  windows.  They  looked  like 
caged  canary  birds  or  sickly  house  plants.  Either  com 
parison  will  serve  the  purpose.  The  green  shutters  on 
the  other  windows  were  closed.  Though  it  was  yet 


444          THE  BOAKDING  SCHOOL. 

early  in  the  morning,  though  i£  was  winter,  though  no 
fires  were  ever  lighted  in  any  of  the  rooms  but  the 
study-room  and  the  room  in  which  visitors  were  received 
on  Saturday — and  then  only  during  the  visiting  hours, 
from  two  to  four  p.  M. — the  young  ladies  were  gathered 
in  this  cold  apartment,  gazing  sadly  out  on  the  wet 
green  grass  in  front  of  the  house,  and  waving  their 
handkerchiefs  languidly  at  times  to  some  of  the  persons 
who  passed  b}^  the  desolate  building. 

In  a  damp  and  chilly  room  on  the  other  side  of  the 
edifice,  in  which  a  fire  was  already  prepared  to  be 
lighted,  but  to  which  they  touched  no  match,  were 
seven  maiden  ladies.  This  was  the  reception-room  and 
the  match  would  be  touched  to  the  fire  at  two  o'clock  ; 
the  visitors  would  come  and  notice  how  comfortable 
the  daughters  must  be,  and  as  a  teacher  would  be 
present  in  the  room,  the  daughters  would  remark  that 
they  were  very  comfortable  indeed;  the  visitors  would 
leave  the  fire  and  the  fire  would  be  extinguished  at 
four  o'clock.  The  seven  maiden  ladies,  who  governed 
the  institution  and  taught  therein,  were  covered  with 
shawls  and  were  rubbing  their  hands  together.  One,  a 
tall,  raw-boned  woman,  with  a  wrinkled  hatchet  face, 
was  the  principal.  Her  name  was  Miss  Isabel.  She 
had  a  soured  look  and  a  tyrannical  expression  about  her 
face.  The  others  all  had  soured  expressions,  and  while 
none  of  them  were  under  thirty-five  years  of  age,  they 
all  dressed  like  gidd}r  girls  of  sixteen. 

Miss  Isabel  had  attempted  to  capture  six  men,  but 
had  made  a  complete  failure  in  each  case.  The  next 
lady  had  had  a  desperate  contest  with  three  parsons 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  445 

and  a  lawyer,  but  they  had  all  escaped.  The  others 
had  had  similar  experiences;  and  it  was  a  noticeable 
fact  that  with  each  lady  the  last  attempt  had  been  made 
on  a  parson.  From  a  scientific  point  of  view  these 
statistics  may  prove  of  value.  The  minds  of  the  ladies 
had  grown  narrower  and  more  embittered  with  each 
failure. 

Suddenly  one  of  the  scholars  came  across  the  hall 
with  a  tripping  step,  and  announced  the  fact  that  a 
Chinaman  was  coming  up  the  front  walk. 

"  Don't  move  in  that  undignified  manner,  Miss  Bur 
ton  ! "  said  several  of  the  seven  females. 

"You  need  not  have  informed  us  that  the  Chinaman 
was  coming,"  said  Miss  Isabel ;  "  we  knew  he  was 
coming,  so  please  retire,  and  wait,  until  you  are  called 
upon  next  time  I  " 

"  She  is  too  girlish  !  "  said  Miss  Blume.  "  We  must 
put  an  end  to  that !  " 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  six  remaining  teachers. 

The  door  bell  now  rang  and  the  Chinaman  entered. 
The  seven  teachers  had  formed  in  line  and  the  China 
man  in  his  queue,  blue  frock  and  white-soled  Chinese 
slippers  stood  before  them. 

"  Your  name  ?  "  said  Miss  Isabel. 

"  Your  name  ?  "  echoed  a  stout  lady  at  the  other  end 
of  the  line. 

"Him  Sing  ;— shabbee  ?  " 

"  Him  Sing  Shabby  !  "  said  Miss  Isabel,  in  a  dignified 
tone. 

"  No  shabbee  !  "  said  the  Chinaman. 

"  No  shabby  what?  "  said  Miss  Isabel. 


446  THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL. 

"  No,  shabbee,  not  my  name  ; — shabbee?" 

"Shabby  what?  "  said  Miss  Isabel. 

"Him  Sing,"  said  the  Chinaman,  "alle  same  sing 
hymn  turn  loun — shabbee  ?  All-e  same  go  churchee, 
sing  hymn,  turn  loun; — shabbee?  My  name  Him 
Sing  ! "  said  the  Chinaman,  with  a  sweet  Mongolian 
smile. 

"  Well,  Him,"  said  Miss  Isabel,  "  you  see  we  have  a 
number  of  young  girls  here  ?  " 

"  Littee  gearl,  welly  nicee  !  "  said  the  Chinaman. 

"  Now,  Him,  can  you  watch  the  conduct  of  the  young- 
ladies  without  letting  them  know  what  you  are  doing, 
and  report  their  conduct  to  me? — in  order  to  keep  up 
the  discipline,  you  know. " 

"Me  heap  shabbee,"  said  the  Chinaman.  "Me  heap 
shabbee  catchim  seclit.  Me  tellim  you.  Me  Chlistian 
Chinaman  ; — welly  sly  ; — shabbee  ?  Me  sing  4  Sweet 
Bye  and  Bye ' — shabbee?  Me  shabbee  dead  ;  me  talkee 
clead  in  churchee; — me  heap  believe  clead  ; — shabbee? 
Me  play  on  my  knee ; — heap  play, — loll  up  my  eyes  ; — 
you  shabbee  play  ?  " 

"  Now,  Him,"  said  Miss  Isabel,  "  our  cook,  whose 
name  is  Hi  Fun,  is  also  a  Chinaman.  He  will  explain 
the  details  to  you.  All  I  desire  to  say  is  that  letters 
which  the  young  ladies  write  home  are  examined  first 
to  see  if  there  are  any  complaints  in  them  about  food, 
etc.  The  young  ladies  sometimes  try  to  send  out  letters 
secretly.  Now,  you  are  to  watch  them.  The  young- 
ladies  have  tried  to  climb  over  the  back  fence  and 
escape.  You  are  to  look  out  for  this  also.  The  young 
ladies  are  not  allowed  to  go  out  of  the  school-house  but 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  447 

one  afternoon  in  the  week,  and  to  church  on  Sunday, 
on  both  of  which  occasions  they  march  in  a  column 
and  we  go  with  them." 

"Me  go  churchee.  Me  heap  like  slermon.  Welly 
nice  for  me, — shabbee  ?  " 

"Yes,"  said  Miss  Isabel,  "but  don't  interrupt  me. 
The  visiting  hours  are  on  Saturday  afternoon.  You 
are  to  tend  the  door  and  keep  the  fire  burning.  At  four 
o'clock  you  are  to  be  ready  with  your  gong  and  if  we 
want  to  get  rid  of  the  visitors  you*  are  to  sound  it ; 
otherwise  you  are  not  to  sound  it  till  I  tell  you." 

"Hadn't  we  better  explain  the  reason  why,  so  that 
he  can  sound  the  gong  more  understandingly  ?  "  asked 
one  of  the  other  teachers. 

"It  is  immaterial,  Miss  Hattie,"  said  the  principal; 
"but  at  your  suggestion  I  will  tell  him  that  we  punish 
some  of  the  young  ladies,  whose  friends  come  long  dis 
tances  and  but  seldom,  by  sounding  the  gong  sooner 
foixthem  than  others,  as  this  is  a  greater  method  of 
punishment  than  the  common  one  of  corporeal  chastise 
ment,  and  it  is  doubly  effective  as  it  serves  also  as  a 
discourtesy  to  the  girl's  friend  or  relative.  She  natur 
ally  feels  this  keenly,  if  she  is  sensitive  in  her  disposition. 
Further,  you  are  to  admit  no  visitor  except  on  Saturday. 
Further,  there  are  certain  pests  in  the  shape  of  young 
men  who  come  and  serenade  behind  the  back  fence. 
You  are  to  shoo  them  away ! " 

"  Me  heap  shabbee,"  said  the  Chinaman. 

"  Sometimes,"  said  the  principal,  "  the  girls  receive 
jams,  turkeys  and  hams  from  their  friends.  You  are  to 
intercept  these ! " 


448          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

"  Me  heap  shabbee.  Me  heap  fly.  Young  gear!  too 
muchee  eat.  Byme-by,  too  fat.  Me  catchee  hamjam, 
tlerky.  Me  give  my  cousin,  Chinee  wash-house.  Heap 
likee  tlerky,  hamjam.  Chinaman  no  get  fat.  He  eat 
him  ; — you  shabbee  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Miss  Isabel,  "  we'll  reserve  them." 

"Me  shabbee.  You  likee  tlerky.  Tlerky  welly 
nicee  for  young  lady  !  " 

The  seven  teachers  rolled  up  their  enraptured  eyes 
at  this  compliment.  He* was  now  dismissed  from  the 
presence  of  the  seven  rigid  females. 

This  Chinaman  proved  to  be  an  excellent  acquisition, 
for  in  the  course  of  a  week  for  every  delinquency 
reported  by  any  of  the  other  authorities  he  had  reported 
three  ;  and  as  he  learned  rapidly  what  were  considered 
offenses  on  the  part  of  the  young  ladies,  being  "  welly 
fly,"  he  manufactured  offenses  out  of  the  whole  cloth 
and  the  young  ladies  were  punished  for  these  fancies  of 
his  Chinese  imagination.  Heretofore  the  young  ladies 
had  succeeded  in  bribing  the  white  servants  with  such 
trifles  as  sticks  of  candy,  ten-cent  pieces,  chicken 
wings,  locks  of  hair,  etc.,  but  Him  Sing  did  not  seem  to 
have  an  itching  palm  for  these  bribes,  for  he  would 
only  gaze  upon  the  face  of  the  young  lady  with  a 
wild  look  in  his  almond  eyes  and  remark,  "  Welly  fly ; 
— shabbee  ?  "  and  pass  on. 

One  morning  there  was  quite  a  flutter  of  commotion 
amongst  the  young  ladies  at  the  breakfast  table,  and 
none  of  the  pretty  creatures  would  eat  the  rolls  which 
Had  been  placed  beside  their  plates.  One  of  the 
number  had  passed  by  the  kitchen  and  had  seen  the 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  449 

Chinese  cook  sprinkling  the  rolls  in  the  oven  by  blowing 
water  over  them  from  his  mouth.  She  had  reported 
this  fact  to  her  companions.  Him  Sing  carried  the 
matter  to  the  principal. 

44  Young  lad)T; — you  shabbee  him?"  said  the  Chi 
naman. 

"  Yes,"  said  the  principal,  sternly. 

44  He  no  eat  loll.  Me  askee  him  wha'  for  he  no  eat 
loll.  He  say  Hi  Fun  spit  on  loll ; — he  no  eat  him. 
Me  tell  him  eat  all — e  same.  Hi  Fun  heap  shabbee 
make — e  loll.  Blow  on  him ;  make  him  blown.  He 
no  eat  him.  He  no  eat  hash  ; — no  likee  hash !  " 

44  Why  don't  they  eat  hash  ?  " 

44  Him  say  too  muchee  Hi  Fun  hair  in  hash  !  Wha' 
for?  Hi  Fun  hair  all — e  same  young  lady  hair.  Welly 
good  hair  !  " 

Him  Sing  was  also  faithful  in  attending  the  door 
bell  and  in  keeping  away  visitors  on  other  than  visiting 
days.  On  those  days  he  stood  with  a  wicked  grin, 
gong  in  hand,  behind  the  stairway  and  smiled  sadly  at 
the  young  ladies  whenever  they  discovered  him  in  his 
concealed  position.  While  he  remained  in  the  institu 
tion  vast  quantities  of  tea,  coffee,  sugar  and  eggs 
disappeared  monthly,  but  there  was  never  any  evidence 
against  him.  He  went  almost  nightly,  with  a  brass- 
rimmed  bible  in  his  hand,  to  meet  the  members  of  a 
Chinese  bible  class,  and  on  these  evenings  Mr.  Geseign 
often  found  the  members  of  the  class  busily  engaged 
in  playing  44  tan  "  in  a  Chinese  wash-house. 

Mr.  Geseign  WHS  standing  in  the  hallway  one  Tues 
day  afternoon,  when  there  was  a  ring  at  the  door.  Him 
28 


450          THE  BOARDING  SCHOOL. 

went  to  the  door.  A  gentleman  standing  there  said  : 
"  Is  Miss in  ?  " 

"  No  shabbee,"  said  the  Chinaman.  "  Boarder  gearl 
no  hab  fadder ; — shabbee  ?  " 

"  Say  that  I've  called.     There's  my  card." 

"  Me  no  takin'  ticket.    Ticket  no  good ; — shabbee  ?  " 

"  But  I  want  to  see  her." 

"Come  salmsdy.  You  shabbee  sal msdy  ?  Vistindy; 
— shabbee  ?  " 

"  Say  to  the  principal  that  I'm  the  Governor  of  the 
State  !"  said  the  gentleman. 

"  Wha'  for  you  Gov'nor?  What  you  callim  him? 
Me  heap  no  shabbee." 

Upon  receiving  this  cruel  blow,  the  Governor  de 
parted. 

A  few  moments  later  the  principal  came  gliding 
down  the  hallway  with  a  sort  of  a  dignified  stage 
stride.  She  had  a  captured  letter  in  her  hand,  which 
a  weeping  young  lady,  who  was  by  her  side,  had  writ 
ten  to  her  mother,  complaining  of  many  small  acts  of 
tyranny  which  the  principal  had  practised  upon  her. 
The  reader  will  understand  the  cause  of  this  tyranny, 
when  we  say  that  both  principal  and  scholar  —  were 
women,  and  that  while  the  principal  was  a  withered 
antiquity,  the  scholar  was  young  and  beautiful. 

But  we  must  hurry  these  harrowing  scenes  to  a  close. 
The  detective  at  last  discovered  Mr.  Geseign's  where 
abouts  ;  and  the  detective  and  Mr.  Oldbiegh  were  seen 
one  morning  standing  on  the  lawn  like  a  couple  of 
apparitions. 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.Geseign  met  on  the  lawn  in 


THE    BOARDING    SCHOOL.  451 

front  of  the  school-house,  and  the  young  ladies  watched 
the  meeting  from  all  the  windows  of  the  seminary. 
Mr.  Oldbiegh  reached  forward  with  one  arm  and  took 
Mr.  Geseign  to  his  bosom.  Mr.  Geseign  then  straight 
ened  out  his  left  arm  and  circled  it  around  Mr.  Old 
biegh.  They  were  both  so  affected  for  many  moments 
that  they  could  not  speak.  Mr.  Oldbiegh  attempted 
to  do  so  several  times,  but  choked  in  the  attempt.  At 
last  he  broke  the  silence  and  said: 

"Tommy,  are  you  forgiven  me,  arter  all?" 

"Oh  !  kind — and  generous  friend, — have  my  fatal — 
impulses — been  forgiven  ?  "  said  Mr.  Geseign. 

"Why,  Tommy,  ther'  warn't  nothin'  to  be  forgiven. 
It  was  ail  my  fault." 

"  Mine  ! — mine  ! — I  shriek  to  exclaim  !  I  was  the 
hideous — offendah  !  I  was  the  wretched — creachaw  ! 
Oh  !  villainy ! — oh !  hypocrisy  ! — these  were  my  tools  !  " 

tt  Stop  her  right  thar' !  '*  said  Mr.  Oldbiegh.  "  I  won't 
let  no  man  talk  about  you  like  that  'ar'.  Not  even 
yourself.  If  you  done  anything  wrong  it  was  because 
you'd  become  a  snob.  So  the  only  thing  to  be  done 
now  is  to  say  we  don't  part  no  more  on  no  account 
nohow.  And,  Tommy,  it's  my  belief  that  all  our 
trouble  has  come  from  turning  ourselves  into  a  couple 
of  unnatural  darned  snobs  !  So  I  propose  that  the  best 
thing  is  to  leave  the  holler-hearted  world  and  go  off 
together  to  the  green  mountains  and  red-wood  forests 
and  silver  streams  !  The  aren't  no  snobs  thar'.  The 
grizzly  aren't  a  snob ;  and  who  ever  heered  of  a  coyote 
immitatin'  the  arts  of  a  dood?  Thar'  in  the  green 
fields  you  smell  the  breath  of  the  flowers,  and  you 


452  ADIEU. 

hear  the  wind  sighin'  in  the  branches,  and  you  fish  in 
the  silver  streams,  and  }TOU  build  your  camp-fire  at 
night;  and  we  could  sit  around  the  fire  and  you  tell 
stories  and  sleep  as  sound  as  a  rock ! 

"  You  don't  hear  no  lies  out  thar'  in  the  green  fields. 
You  don't  see  the  wild  rose  a  critercizin'  the  dress  of 
the  wild  violet;  and  the  flowers  of  the  field  and  the 
birds  of  the  air  don't  tell  no  scandals,  arter  all !  Who 
ever  heerd  among  the  flowers  out  thar'  about  the  but 
tercup  bein'  '  a  man  about  town  ?  '  Or  who  ever  heerd 
of  a  Johnny  Jumpup  bein'  an  4  F.  F.  V  ? ' — Nobody, 
because  it  couldn't  be,  nohow  !  So  I  propose,  Tommy, 
we  go  out  and  build  a  shanty  on  the  edge  of  a  silver 
stream  that  comes  down  some  great  cafion  ;  and  we'll 
live  thar'  and  we  won't  part  no  more  ;  we'll  be  a  couple 
of  jolly  old  bachelores,  with  our  pipes  and  our  dogs, 
and  we'll  be  as  happy  as  fightin'  cocks ;  and  thar' 
won't  be  a  widdyer  or  a  snob  in  a  hundred  miles  of  us  ; 
and  we  won't  never  part !  " 

"  Nevah  !  "  said  Mr.  Geseign,  in  a  low,  guttural  voice. 


CHAPTER   XVIII. 

ADIEU. 

"Last  scene  of  all  that  ends  this  strange,  eventful  history!  " 

rilHE   older  we  grow  the  more  certain  are  we  that  we 
J.    are  right  on  every  proposition,  and  that  everybody 


ADIEU.  453 

else  is  wrong.  We  are  satisfied  for  this  ample  reason 
that,  after  their  hair-breadth  escapes,  it  would  be  wrong 
to  marry  our  heroes  in  the  last  chapter. 

The  older  we  grow  the  larger  becomes  the  scope  of 
memory ;  and  the  nearer  we  approach  the  grave  with 
the  gloom  of  its  surroundings,  the  more  melancholy  do 
our  first  recollections  appear,  and  the  earliest  scenes  of 
childhood  are  the  saddest  of  all  to  recall,  because  they 
were  the  happiest.  Those  earliest  recollections  are  so 
nearly  vanished,  and  so  nearly  dead,  that  they  seem  to 
resemble  the  shadows  of  the  grave  which  is  at  hand. 
And  so,  my  fiendish  reader,  if  you  be  a  man,  and  my 
dear  reader,  if  you  be  a  woman,  seem  the  pages  of  this 
melancholy  tale  to  the  jaded  and  weary  scribe  as  he 
comes  panting  to  the  goal.  Sadness  appears  to  shroud 
the  whole  scene  when  he  recalls  the  fact  that  there  has 
not  been  even  one  marriage  to  give  a  light  and  humor 
ous  aspect  to  these  pages !  A  couple  of  bachelors 
started  out  as  the  chief  figures  in  the  first  few  chap 
ters;  they  remained  bachelors  through  the  chapters 
following;  and  the  curtain  is  rung  down  upon  them 
as  bachelors,  while  the  females  in  the  audience  gaze 
upon  them  with  looks  of  disgust. 

It  is  a  settled  fact  that  that  which  might  have  been 
is  something  which  is  of  a  melancholy  nature.  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  might  have  been  married  ; — 
but  don't  let  us  make  the  melancholy  reflection. 

Throughout  the  whole  book,  as  we  now  look  back, 
scene  after  scene  seems  to  be  shrouded  in  crape ;  and 
in  regard  to  the  characters  of  the  book,  we  feel  like 
the  undertaker  who  had  been  in  the  habit  of  taking 


454  ADIEU. 

his  family  out  every  morning  for  a  pleasant  drive  in 
his  hearse ! 

We  hear  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  laugh  in  the  first  chapter — 
a  wretchedly  weak  cachinnation  it  seems; — the  laugh 
has  a  hollow  and  melancholy  sound.  It  has  in  it  none 
of  the  elements  of  the  loud  and  jolly  "  haw  !  haw  !  "  of 
the  married  man  whose  wife  delivers  a  humorous  lec 
ture  on  clubs,  keeping  him  in  a  wakeful  state  by  ap 
plying  cold  feet  to  his  back  until  four  o'clock  in  the 
morning,  and  who  has  just  terminated  the  speech  with 
a  grand  comical  peroration.  There  is  nothing  of  the 
kind  in  Mr.  Oldbiegh's  consumptive  cachinnation. 

And  now  that  the  scribe  has  cocked  his  little  pistol 
and  fired  at  a  snob  or  so,  and  a  few  dudes,  he  has  a 
most  desperate  labor  before  him.  He  must  dispose  of 
these  bachelors.  They  won't  die,  and  they  won't  get 
married ; — of  the  two  they  would  choose  to  die.  They 
cling  to  the  scribe  like  leeches !  It  is  a  fearful  situa 
tion  for  the  melancholy  scribe. 

The  question  now  arises,  has  he  by  writing  a  work 
whose  object  was  to  take  the  conceit  out  of  persons  in 
the  married  state  incurred  the  displeasure  of  the  gods 
who  watch  over  the  aforesaid  married  state  to  such  an 
extent  that  they  will  allow  his  work  in  favor  of  bache 
lors  to  have  no  end,  and  compel  him  to  keep  on  writing 
forever  as  a  punishment?  Is  Mr.  Oldbiegh  destined  to 
cling  to  him  for  want  of  a  gentler  companion  ?  Things 
and  matters  are  beginning  to  take  a  serious  aspect. 
Arid  if  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign  and  the  other 
persons  in  the  book  who  are  perhaps  bachelors  on  the 
gly  are  thus  to  cling  to  him  like  leeches,  is  the  scribe 


ADIEU.  455 

to  be  thereby  prevented  from  having  a  gentle  mate  ? 
The  scribe's  hair  stands  on  end  at  the  thought ! 

But  to  speak  seriously :  As  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr. 
Geseign  come  tripping  to  the  front  of  the  stage,  hand 
in  hand,  to  bid  farewell  to  their  friends,  the  audience, 
nothing  in  the  world  could  present  a  more  dignified 
and  touching  scene.  Although  Mr.  Geseign's  belief  in 
his  own  poetry  has  often  made  him  appear  to  the  reader 
like  a  conceited  ass,  he  rather  considered  it  a  credit  not 
to  belong  to  the  class  called  writers ;  for  he  informed  Mr. 
Oldbiegh  while  out  walking  one  day  that  he  regarded 
them  as  a  mob  of  cranks  of  a  more  disagreeable  kind 
than  the  gentleman  who  went  "  thundering  down  the 
ages  "  at  the  end  of  a  hemp  rope,  a  short  while  ago. 
Nevertheless,  if  the  reader  will  persist  in  considering 
Mr.  Geseign  a  conceited  ass,  he  must  remember  that  he 
is  human ;  and  perhaps,  no  human  being  was  ever  yet 
described  who  had  not  something  of  the  conceited  ass 
about  him,  if  biographers  would  only  tell  the  truth. 

Notwithstanding  the  unpleasant  aspects  of  his  nature, 
as  the  scribe  knows  that  his  charming  young  lady 
readers  would  like  to  see  Mr.  Geseign  married 
(wouldn't  you,  dears  ?) — or  perhaps  marry  him  them 
selves — it  would  have  given  us  pleasure  to  force  him 
into  the  matrimonial  state,  had  it  been  within  the 
limits  of  possibility.  But  it  was  not. 

He  who  tells  the  most  truth  will  make  the  greatest 
number  of  enemies.  But  as  the  scribe  happened  to 
have  an  ancestor  who  was  a  contemporary  of  Washing 
ton,  he  has  felt  it  his  bounden  duty  to  try  and  picture 
nature  in  a  natural  state.  As  nature  when  in  a  natu- 


456  ADIEU. 

ral  state  tells  harsh  truths,  he  expects  condemnation ; 
but  as  he  has  been  married,  lie  is  hardened  to  criticism ; 
— besides,  where  the  critics  light,  there  is  the  carrion 
also.  The  author  is  ready  to  prove  by  his  own  oath, 
and  by  the  oaths  of  any  other  married  men  who  will 
swear  to  a  similar  experience  to  his  own,  the  truth  of 
the  facts  herein  set  forth. 

Still  Mr.  Geseign,  Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  others  cling  to 
the  scribe,  and  bore  him  to  death,  and  he  cannot  dispose 
of  them.  Oh !  that  they  might  one  or  both  of  them  give 
dignity  to  the  termination  of  their  history  by  a  run 
away  match  !  If  Mr.  Oldbiegh  would  only  marry  the 
"two-forty  widdyer,  arter  all !  "  If  the  matrimonially 
disposed  mothers  had  only  gotten  their  fish-hooks  into 
Mr.  Geseign 's  gills  ! 

Mr.  Oldbiegh  and  Mr.  Geseign,  together  with  the 
other  bachelors,  still  stand  bowing  and  scraping  and 
shuffling  at  the  front  of  the  stage. 

Ah  !  we  have  it !  We  will  turn  off  the  gas,  and  the 
audience  is  left  in  the  dark ! 


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Above  are  each  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  price  $1.50  each. 
Self-Made ;  or,  Out  of  the  Depths.     By  Mrs.  Emma  D.  E.  N.  Southworth. 
Complete  in  two  volumes,  cloth,  price  $1.50  each,  or  $3.00  a  set. 

CAROLINE  LEE  HENTZ'S  EXQUISITE  BOOKS. 

Complete   in  twelve  large  duodecimo  volumes,  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  gilt  back, 
price  $1.50  each ;  or  $18.00  a  set,  each  set  is  put  up  in  a  neat  box. 

Ernsst  Linwood, $1  50    Love  after  Marriage, $1  50 

The  Planter's  Northern  Bride,..  1  50    Eoline;  or  Magnolia  Vale, 1  50 

Courtship  and  Marriage, 1  50  j  The  Lost  Daughter, 1  50 

Rena;or,  the  Snow  Bird, 1  50  I  The  Banished  Son, 1  50 

Marcus  Warland, I  50  |  Helen  and  Arthur, 1  50 

Linda;  or,  the  Young  Pilot  of  the  Belle  Creole, 1  50 

Robert  Graham;  the  Sequel  to  "Linda;  or  Pilot  of  Belle  Creole."...  1  50 
Above  are  each  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  price  $1.50  each. 


JS^~ Above  Books  will  be  sent,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  Eetail  Price, 
by  T.  B.  Peterson  &  Brothers,  Philadelphia,  Pa.          (1) 


2    T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 
MRS.  ANN  S.  STEPHENS'  FAVORITE  NOVELS. 

Complete  in  twenty-three  large  duodecimo  volumes,  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  gilt  back, 
price  $1.50  each  ;  or  $34.50  a  set,  each  set  is  put  up  in  a  neat  box. 


Norston's  Rest,  $1  50 

The  Soldiers'  Orphans,... 

$1  50 

Bertha's  Engagement,  1  50 

1  50 

Bellehood  and  Bondage,  50 

Silent  Struggles,  

1  50 

The  Old  Countess            ••       .         50 

The  Rejected  Wife,. 

1  50 

Lord  Hope's  Choice,  50 

The  Wife's  Secret,  

1  50 

The  Reigning  Belle,  50 

Mary  Derwent,  

1  50 

Palaces  and  Prisons,  50 

Fashion  and  Famine,  .... 

I  50 

Married  in  Haste,  50 

The  Curse  of  Gold,  

1  50 

Wives  and  Widows                     .        50 

Mabel's  Mistake 

1  50 

Rubv  Grav's  Strategy  1  50 

The  Old  Homestead.... 

..  1  50 

Doubly  False, 1  50  j  The  Heiress, 1  50  |  The  Gold  Brick,...  1  50 

Above  are  each  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  price  $1.50  each. 

MISS  ELIZA  A.  DUPUY'S  WONDERFUL  BOOKS. 

Complete  in  fourteen  large  duodecimo  volumes,  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  gilt  back,  price 
$1.50  each;  or  $21.00  a  set,  each  set  is  put  up  in  a  neat  box. 

A  New  Way  to  Win  a  Fortune  $1  50   Why  Did  He  Marry  Her? Si  50 

The  Discarded  Wife, 1  50  i  Who  Shall  be  Victor? 1  50 


The  Clandestine  Marriage, 1  50 

The  Hidden  Sin, 1  50 

The  Dethroned  Heiress, 1   50 

The  Gipsy's  Warning, 1  50 

All  For  Love, 1  50 


The  Mysterious  Guest, 1  50 

Was  He  Guilty? 1  50 

The  Cancelled  Will, 1  50 

The  Planter's  Daughter, 1  50 

Michael  Rudolph, 1  50 


Above  are  each  bound  in  morocco  cloth,  price  $1.50  each. 

LIST  OF  THE  BEST  COOK  BOOKS  PUBLISHED. 

Every  housekeeper  should  possess  at  least  one  of  the  following  Cook  Books,  as  they 
would  save  the  price  of  it  in  a  week's  cooking. 

Miss  Leslie's  Cook  Book,  a  Complete  Manual  to  Domestic  Cookery 

in  all  its  Branches.     Paper  cover,  $1 .00,  or  bound  in  cloth, $1   50 

The  Queen  of  the  Kitchen :    or,  The  Southern  Cook  Book.     Con 
taining  1007  Old  Southern  Family  Receipts  for  Cooking,. ..Cloth,     1  50 

Mrs.  Hale's  New  Cook  Book, '. Cloth,     1   50 

Petersons'  New  Cook  Book, Cloth,     1  50 

Widdifield's  New  Cook  Book, Cloth,     1  50 

Mrs.  Goodfellow's  Cookery  as  it  Should  Be, Cloth,     1  50 

The  National  Cook  Book.     By  a  Practical  Housewife, Cloth,     1  50 

The  Young  Wife's  Cook  Book, Cloth,     1  50 

Miss  Leslie's  New  Receipts  for  Cooking, Cloth,    .1  50 

Mrs.  Hale's  Receipts  for  the  Million, Cloth,     1  50 

The  Family  Save-All.   By  author  of  "  National  Cook  Book,"  Cloth,     1  50 
Francatelli's  Modern  Cook  Book.     With  the  most  approved  methods 
of  French,  English,  German,  and  Italian  Cookery.     With  Sixty- 
two  Illustrations.     One  vol.,  600  pages,  bound  in  m«rocco  cloth,  5  00 

^®* Above  Books  will  be  sent,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  Retail  Price, 
by  T.  B.  Peterson  &  Brothers,  Philadelphia,  Pa. 


12  T,  B,  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 

^*  Orders  solicited  from  Booksellers,  Librarians,  Canvassers,  News 

Agents,  and  all  others  in  want  of  good  and  fast-selling 

books,  which  will  be  supplied  at  very  Low  Rates.  «4§H 

EMILE  ZOLA'S  NEW  REALISTIC  BOOKS. 

Nana  !     Sequel  to  L'Assommoir.     By  Entile  Zola.     Nana  !     Price  75  cents 

in  paper  cover,  or  $1.00  in  morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold.     Nana  ! 
L'Assoinmoir;  or,  Nana's  Mother.     By  Entile  Zola.     The  Greatest  Novel 

ever  printed.     Price  75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.00  in  cloth. 
The  Joys  of  Life.     P>y  Entile  Zola,  author  of  "  Nana,"  "  Pot-Bouille,"  etc. 

Price  75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
The  Ladies'  Paradise ;  or,  The  Bonheur  des  Dames.    By  Emile  Zola,  author 

of  "  Nana."     Paper  cover,  75  cents;  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Her  Two  Husbands;  and  Other  Novelettes.     By  Emile  Zola.     Price  75 

cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Pot-Bouille.     By  Em  He  Zola,  author  of  "Nana."     "Pot-Bouille."     Price 

75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Nana's  Daughter.     A  Continuation  of  and  Sequel  to  Emile  Zola's  Great 

Realistic  Novel  of  "Nana."     Price  75  cents  in  paper,  or  $1.00  in  cloth. 
The  Mysteries  of  the  Court  of  Louis  Napoleon.     By  Emile  Zola.     Price 

75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
The  Girl  in  Scarlet;  or,  the  Loves  of  Silvgre  and  Miette.     By  Emile  Zola. 

Price  75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  cloth. 
Albine;  or,  The  Abb6's  Temptation.     (La  Fatife  De  L'Abbe  Mouret.)     By 

Emile  Zola.     Price  75  cents  in  paper,  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
La  Belle  Lisa;  or,  The  Paris  Market  Girls.     By  Emile  Zola.     Price  7a 

cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  morocco  cloth,  black  arid  gold. 
He"lene,    a    Love    Episode;     or,    Une    Ptirje   1)' Amour.     By  Emile  Zola, 

Price  75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
A  Mad  Love;  or  The  AbbS  and  His  Court.     %  Emile  Zola.     Price  75 

cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Magdalen    Ferat.     By  Emile  Zola,  author  of  "  Nana,"  and  "  L'Assoin- 

moir."     Paper  cover,  75  cents,  or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Claude's  Confession.     By  Emile  Zola,  author  of  "  Nana,"  "  L'Assominoir," 

"Helene,"  etc.     Price  75  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.25  in  cloth. 
The  Mysteries  of  Marseilles.    By  Emile  Zola,  author  of  "  Nana."     Price 

50  cents  in  paper  cover,  or  $1.00  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
In  the  Whirlpool.     (La    direc.)      By  Emile  Zola,  author  of  "Nana." 

Paper  cover,  75  cents;   or  $1.25  in  cloth,  black  and  gold. 
Th6re"se  Raquin.     By  Emile  Zola,  author  of  "Nana."     Price  75  cents  in 

paper  cover,  or  $1.00  in  morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold. 

ADOLPHE  BELOT'S  INGENIOUS  NOVELS. 

The  Black  Venus.  By  Adolplie  Befot.  Paper  cover,  75  cents ;  cloth,  $1.00. 
La  Grande  Florine.  By  Adolplie  Belot.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
The  Stranglers  of  Paris.  By  Adotphe  Belot.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 


All  Books  published  by  T.  B.  Peterson  &  Brothers,  Philadelphia,  Pa , 
will  be  sent  to  any  one,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  Retail  Price. 


T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS.  13 
PETERSONS'  SQUARE  12mo.  SERIES. 

The  following  books  are  printed  on  tinted  paper,  and  are  issued  in  uniform 
style,  in  square  12mo.  form.  Price  50  Cents  in  Paper,  or  $1.00  in  Cloth. 

Helen's  Babies.  Budge  and  Toddie.  By  John  Habberton.  With  an 
Illustrated  Cover,  and  Portraits  of  "Budge"  and  "  Toddie,"  and  others. 

Mrs.  Mayburn's  Twins.  With  the  Mother's  Trials  in  the  Morning,  After 
noon  and  Evening.  By  John  Habberton,  author  of  "Helen',s  Babies." 

Bertha's  Baby.  Equal  to  "  Helen's  Babies."  Bertha's  Baby.  With  an 
Illustrated  Cover,  and  a  Portrait  of  "  Bertha's  Baby  "  on  it. 

The  Annals  of  a  Baby.  Baby's  First  Gifts.  Naming  'the  Baby.  The 
Baby's  Party.  Aunt  Hannah,  etc.  By  Mrs*.  Sarah  Bridges  Stebbins. 

Bessie's  Six  Lovers.  With  Her  Reflections,  Resolves,  Coronation,  and 
Declaration  of  Love.  A  Charming  Love  Story.  By  Henry  Peterson. 

Two  Kisses.     A  Bright  and  Snappy  Love  Story.     By  Hawley  Smart. 

Her  Second  Love.     A  Thrilling  Life-like  and  Captivating  Love  Story. 

A  Parisian  Romance.      Octave  Feuillet's  New  Book,  just  dramatized. 

Fanchon,  the  Cricket ;  or,  La  Petite  Fadette.     By  George  Sand. 

Two  Ways  to  Matrimony ;  or,  Is  it  Love?   or,  False  Pride. 

The  Matchmaker.     By  Beatrice  Reynolds.     A  Charming  Love  Story. 

The  Story  of  Elizabeth.    By  Miss  Thackeray,  daughter  of  W.  M.  Thackeray. 

The  Amours  of  Philippe ;  or,  Philippe's  Love  Affairs,  by  Octave  Feuillet. 

Sybil  Brotherton.     A  Novel.     By  Mrs.  Emma  D.  E.  N.  Southworth. 

Rancy   Cottem's   Courtship.     By  author  of  "Major  Jones's  Courtship." 

Father  Tom  and  the  Pope;  or,  A  Night  at  the  Vatican.     Illustrated. 

A  Woman's  Mistake;  or,  Jacques  de  Trevanncs.     A  Charming  Love  Story. 

The  Days  of  Madame  Pompadour.    A  Romance  of  the  Reign  of  Louis  XV. 

The  Little  Countess.     By  Octave  Feuillet,  author  of  "  Count  De  Camors." 

The  Red  Hill  Tragedy.     By  Mrs.  Emma  D.  E.  N.  Southworth. 

The  American  L'Assommoir.     A  parody  on  Zola's  "  L'Assomrnoir." 

Hyde  Park  Sketches.     A  very  humorous  and  entertaining  work. 

Miss  Margery's  Roses.     A  Charming  Love  Story.     By  Robert  C.  Meyers. 

Madeleine.     A  Charming  Love  Story.     Jules  Sandeau's  Prize  Novel. 

Carmen.     By  Prosper  Merimee.     Book  the  Opp.rn  was  dramatized  from. 

That  Girl  of  Mine.     By  the  author  of  "That  Lover  of  Mine." 

That  Lover  of  Mine.     By  the  author  of  "  That  Girl  of  Mine." 

PETERSONS'  SQUARE  12mo.  SERIES. 

The  Wife  of  Monte-Cristo.     Continuation  of  "  Count  of  Monte-Cristo." 
The  Son  of  Monte-Cristo.     The  Sequel  to  "  The  Wife  of  Monte-Cristo.' 
Married  Above  Her.     A  Society  Romance.     By  a  Lady  of  New  York. 
The  Man  from  Texas.     A  Powerful  Western  Romance,  full  of  adventure. 
Erring,  Yet  Noble.     A  Book  of  Women  and  for  Women.     By  I.  G.  Reed. 
The  Fair  Enchantress;  or,  How  She  Won  Men's  Hearts.    By  Miss  Keller. 

Above  are  in  paper  cover,  price  75  cents  each,  or  $1.25  each  in  cloth. 
Harry  Coverdale's  Cwurtship  and  Marriage.  Paper,  75  cts. ;  cloth,  $1.50. 
Those  Pretty  St.  George  Girls.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  gilt,  $1.00. 
The  Prairie  Flower,  and  Leni-Leoti.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Camille;  or,  The  Fate  of  a  Coquette.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  gilt,  $1.25. 
Vidocq !  The  French  Detective.  Illustrated.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 

All  Books  published  by  T.  B.  Peterson  &  Brothers,  Philadelphia,  Pa., 
will  be  sent  to  any  one,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  Retail  Price, 


14  T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS. 
PETERSONS'  SQUARE  12mo.  SERIES. 

Major  Jones's  Courtship.  21  Illustrations.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Major  Jones's  Georgia  Scenes.  12  Illustrations.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Major  Jones's  Travels.  8  Illustrations.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Simon  Suggs'  Adventures.  10  Illustrations.  Paper,  75  cts.,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Louisiana  Swamp  Doctor.  6  Illustrations.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
The  Initials.  <A.  Z.'  By  Baroness  Tautphoeus.  Paper,  75  cts.,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Indiana!  A  Love  Story.  By  George  Sand.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Monsieur,  Madame,  and  the  Baby.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
L'Evanggliste.  By  Alphonse  Daudet.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Duchesse  Undine.  By  H.  Penn  Diltz.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Hidden  Record.  By  E.  W.  Blaisdell.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Consuelo.  By  George  Sand.  Paper  cover,  Price  75  cents;  cloth,  $1.00. 
Countess  of  Rudolstadt.  Sequel  to  Consuelo.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
The  Changed  Brides.  By  Mrs.  E.  D.  E.  N.  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cts. 
The  Bride's  Fate.  By  Mrs.  K.  D.  E.  N.  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cents. 
Self-Raised;  or,  From  the  Depths.  By  Mrs.  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cts. 
Ishmael;  or,  in  the  Depths.  By  Mrs.  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cents. 
The  Fatal  Marriage.  By  Mrs.  E.  D.  E.  K  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cents. 
The  Bridal  Eve;  or,  Rose  Elmer.  By  Mrs.  Southworth.  Paper,  75  cents. 
A  Russian  Princess.  By  Emmanuel  Gonzales.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
A  Woman's  Perils  ;  or,  Driven  from  Home.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
A  Fascinating  Woman.  By  Edmond  Adam.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
La  Faustin.  By  Edmond  de  Goncourt.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Monsieur  Le  Ministre.  By  Jules  Claretie.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Winning  the  Battle;  or,  One  Girl  in  10,000.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
A  Child  of  Israel.  By  Edouard  Cadol.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
The  Exiles.  The  Russian  '  Robinson  Crusoe.'  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
My  Hero.  A  Love  Story.  By  Mrs.  Forrester.  Paper,  75  cts.,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Paul  Hart ;  or,  The  Love  of  His  Life.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Mildred's  Cadet;  or,  Hearts  and  Bell-Buttons.  Paper,  75 cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Bellah.  A  Love  Story.  By  Octave  Feuillet.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Sabine's  Falsehood.  A  Love  Story.  Paper,  price  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Linda ;  or,  The  Young  Pilot  of  the  Belle  Creole.  Paper,  75  cts.,  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Woman  in  Black.  Illustrated  Cover.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
Madame  Bovary.  By  Gustavo  Flaubert.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 
The  Count  de  Camors.  By  Octave  Feuillet.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
How  She  Won  Him  !  A  Love  Story.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
Angle's  Fortune.  By  Andre"  Theuriet.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
St.  Maur ;  or,  An  Earl's  Wooing.  Paper  cover,  price  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Prince  of  Breffny.  By  Thomas  P.  May.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.50. 
The  Earl  of  Mayfield.  By  Thomas  P.  May.  Paper,  75  cents,  cloth,  $1.00. 

THE  "COUNT  OF  MONTE-CRISTO  SERIES." 

The  Count  of  Monte-Cristo.  Illustrated.  Paper  cover,  $1.00,  cloth,  $1.50. 
Edmond  Dantes.  Sequel  to  "  Monte-Cristo."  Paper,  75  cts.,  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Countess  of  Monte-Cristo.  Paper  cover,  $1.00,  morocco  cloth,  $1.50. 
The  Wife  of  Monte-Cristo.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  morocco  cloth,  $1.25. 
The  Son  of  Monte-Cristo.  Paper  cover,  75  cents,  morocco  cloth,  $1.25. 

All  Books  published  by  T.  B.  Peterson  &  Brothers,  Philadelphia,  Pa., 
will  be  sent  to  any  one,  postage  paid,  on  receipt  of  Retail  Price. 


T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS'  PUBLICATIONS.  15 
MRS.  F.  H.  BURNETT'S  NOVELLETTES. 

Kathleen.     A  Love  Story.     By  author  of  "  That  Lass  o'  Lowries." 
Theo.     A  Love  Story.     By  author  of  "Kathleen/'  "Miss  Crespigny/'  etc. 
Lindsay's  Luck.     A  Love  Story.     By  Mrs.  Frances  Hodgson  Burnett. 
Pretty  Polly  Pemberton.     By  author  of  "  Kathleen/'  "  Theo/'  etc. 
A  Quiet  Life.     By  Mrs.  Burnett,  author  of  "  That  Lass  o'  Lowries." 
Miss  Crespigny.     A  Charming  Love  Story.     By  author  of  "Kathleen." 
Jarl's  Daughter  and  Other  Novelettes.     By  Mrs.  Burnett. 

Above  are  in  paper  cover,  price  50  cents  each,  or  in  cloth,  at  $1.00  each. 

HENRY  GREVILLE'S  CHARMING  NOVELS. 

Dosia.     A  Russian  Story.     By  Henry  Greville,  author  of  "  Markof." 
Marrying  Off  a  Daughter.     A  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Sylvie's  Betrothed.     A  Charming  Novel.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Philome'ne's  Marriages.     A  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Guy's  Marriage;    also    Pretty  Little  Countess  Zina.     By  Henry  Greville. 

Above  are  in  paper  cover,  price  75  cents  each,  or  in  cloth,  at  $1.25  each. 
The  Trials  of  Raiissa.     By  Henry  Greville,  author  of  "  Dosia." 
The  Princess  Ogherof.     A  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville. 

Above  are  in  paper  cover,  price  75  cents  each,  or  in  cloth,  at  $1.00  each. 
Mam'zelle  Eugenie.     A  Russian  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Saveli's  Expiation.     A  Powerful  Novel.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Tania's  Peril.     A  Russian  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Sonia.     A  Love  Story.     By  Henry  Greville,  author  of  "  Dosia." 
Lucie  Rodey.     A  Charming  Society  Novel.     By  Henry  Grgville. 
Bonne-Marie.     A  Tale  of  Normandy  and  Paris.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Xenie's  Inheritance.     A  Tale  of  Russian  Life.     By  Henry  Greville. 
Dournof.     A  Russian  Story.     By  Henry  Greville,  author  of  "Dosia." 
Gabrielle;  or,  The  House  of  Maureze.     By  Henry  Greville. 
A  Friend;  or,  "  L'Ami."     By  Henry  Greville,  author  of  "Dosia." 

Above  are  in  paper  cover,  price  50  cents  ench,  or  in  cloth,  at  $1.00  eachc 
Markof,  the  Russian  Violinist.     Paper  cover,  75  cents;  cloth,  $1.50. 

BOOKS  BY  AUTHOR  OF  'A  HEART  TWICE  WON.' 

A  Heart  Twice  Won;  or,  Second  Love.     A  Love  Story.     By  Mrs.  Eliza- 

beth  Van  Loon.     Morocco  cloth,  black  and  gold.     Price  $1.50. 
Under  the  Willows;  or,  The  Three  Countesses.     By  Mrs.  Elizabeth  Van 

Loon,  author  of  "A  Heart  Twice  Won."     Cloth,  and  gold.     Price  $1.50. 
The  Shadow  of  Hampton  Mead.     A  Charming  Story.     By  Mrs.  Elizabeth 

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MRS.    SOUTHWORTH'S    WORKS 

BACH  IS  IN  ONE  LARGE  DUODECIMO  VOLUME,  MOROCCO  CLOTH,  GILT  BACK,  PRICE  $1.50  EACH 
Copies  of  all  OP  any  will  be  sent  post-paid,  to  any  place,  on  receipt  of  remittances. 

fBHMAEL;  or,  IN  THE  DEPTHS.    (Being  "Self-Made;  OP,  Out  of  Depths.") 
SELF-RAISED ;  or,  From  the  Depths.    The  Sequel  to  "  Ishmael." 
THE  PHANTOM  WEDDING;  or,  The  Fall  of  the  House  of  Flint. 
THE  "MOTHER-IN-LAW;"  or,  MARRIED  IN  HASTE. 
THE  MISSING  BRIDE;  or,  MIRIAM,  THE  AVENGER. 

VICTOR'S  TRIUMPH.    The  Sequel  to  "A  Beautiful  Fiend." 
A  BEAUTIFUL  FIEND;  or,  THROUGH  THE  FIRE. 
THE  LADY  OF  THE  ISLE;  or,  THE  ISLAND  PRINCESS. 
FAIR  PLAY;  or,  BRITOMARTE,  THE  MAN-HATER, 
HOW  HE  WON  HER.    The  Sequel  to  "Fair  Play." 
THE  CHANGED  BRIDES;  or,  Winning  Her  Way. 

THE  BRIDE'S  FATE.    The  Sequel  to  "  The  Changed  Bride*.* 
CRUEL  AS  THE  GRAVE;  or,  Hallow  Eve  Mystery. 
TRIED  FOR  HER  LIFE.    The  Sequel  to  "  Cruel  as  the  Grave." 
THE  CHRISTMAS  GUEST;  or,  The  Crime  and  the  Curse. 
THE  LOST  HEIR  OF  LINLITHGOW;  or,  The  Brothers. 

A  NOBLE  LORD.    The  Sequel  to  "  The  Lost  Heir  of  Linlithgow." 
THE  FAMILY  DOOM;  or,  THE  SIN  OF  A  COUNTESS. 
THE  MAIDEN  WIDOW.    The  Sequel  to  "The  Family  Doom." 
THE  GIPSY'S  PROPHECY;  or,  The  Bride  of  an  Evening. 
THE  FORTUNE  SEEKER;  or,  Astrea,  The  Bridal  Day. 

THE  THREE  BEAUTIES;  or,  SHANNONDALE. 
FALLEN  PRIDE;  or,  THE  MOUNTAIN  GIRL'S  LOVE. 
THE  DISCARDED  DAUGHTER;  or,  The  Children  of  the  Isle. 
THE  PRINCE  OF  DARKNESS;  or,  HICKORY  HALL. 
THE  TWO  SISTERS;  or,  Virginia  and  Magdalene. 

THE  FATAL  MARRIAGE  •  or,  ORVILLE  DEVILLE. 
INDIA;  or,  THE  PEARL  OF  PEARL  RIVER.        THE  CURSE  OF  CLIFTON, 

THE  WIDOW'S  SON;  or,  LEFT  ALONE.  THE  WIFE'S  VICTORY. 

THE  MYSTERY  OF  DARK  HOLLOW.  THE  SPECTRE  LOVER. 

ALLWORTH  ABBEY;  or,  EUDORA.  THE  ARTIST'S  LOVE. 

THE  BRIDAL  EVE;  or,  ROSE  ELMER.  THE  FATAL  SECRET. 

VIVIA;  or,  THE  SECRET  OF  POWER.  LOVE'S  LABOR  WON. 

THE  HAUNTED  HOMESTEAD.  THE  LOST  HEIRESS. 

BRIDE  OF  LLEWELLYN.         THE  DESERTED  WIFE.        RETRIBUTION. 
£!&*•  Mrs.  Southworth's  works  will  be  found  for  sale  by  all  first-class  Booksellers. 
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SNOB  PAPERS. 

BY   ADAIR   WELCKER, 

OF  SACRAMENTO,  CALIFORNIA. 

Containing  the   Humorous  Adventures  of  one 
Jnnius  Oldbiegh  Amongst  the  Snobs. 


"  THE  SNOB  PAPERS,"  by  Adair  Welcker,  is  one  of  the  merriest  and  most  side-split 
ting  humorotis  novels  ever  issued  for  the  entertainment  of  the  fun-loving  public.  The 
reader  -will  laugh  at  the  start  and  keep  on  laughing  all  the  way  through,  for  the  bright, 
breezy  and  clever  romance  is  comicality  itself.  It  is  one  whirl  of  ludicrous  adventures, 
some  of  which  are  also  quite  exciting  and  sensational,  -while  the  action  and-  interest 
know  neither  pause  nor  curb.  The  author  has  chosen  San  Francisco,  Oakland  and 
the  immediate  vicinity  as  the  field  of  operation  for  his  exceedingly  original,  lifelike  and 
amusing  characters,  and  they  rush  over  the  ground  at  a  rapid  rate,  becoming  involved 
in  comical  complications  at  every  turn.  The  hero,  Junius  Oldbiegh,  an  old  Forty -Niner,  is 
fresh  from  the  mines,  where  he  has  acquired  fabulous  wealth.  The  sole  desire  of  his  heart 
is  to  become  a  snob  and  mingle  with  the  elite.  For  this  purpose  he  secures  the  services  of 
J^homas  Geseign,  a  shrewd,  observant  and  lively  young  man  about  town,  who  at  once 
proceeds  to  usher  him  into  high  society  with  many  ludicrous  results.  Together  they 
see  life  under  its  most  exciting  and  comical  aspects,  and  the  mimber  of  intensely  droll 
dilemmas  in  which  Mr.  Oldbiegh  finds  himself  entangled  is  absolutely  legion.  Mr. 
Geseign  passes  for  an  English  lord  and  is  the  target  for  the  arrows  of  numerous 
matchmaking  mammas  with  marriageable  daughters,  while  Mr.  OldbiegJi's  riches 
cause  him  to  be  sought  after  by  several  matrimonially  inclined  widows,  who  resort  to 
all  kinds  of  ingenious  schemes,  wiles  and  traps  to  capture  Jiim  and  his  money.  Mr. 
Geseign,  however,  is  his  good  genius,  and  is  always  on  hand  at  the  proper  moment  to 
deliver  him  triumphantly  from  his  captors.  Strictly  speaking,  the  novel  has  no 
heroine,  but  several  attractive  and  romantic  young  ladies  are  introduced,  and  their 
love  affairs,  which  generally  culminate  in  elopements,  are  deeply  tinged  with  both  the 
sensational  and  the  comical.  Mr.  Geseign's  wit  and  fun  acquire  additional  effect  from 
his  peculiar  manner  of  speaking,  and  his  philosophical  discourses  constitute  one  of  the 
drollest  features  of  the  book.  All  who  relish  hearty  laughter  should  read  "  THE  SNOB 
PAPERS."  It  is  an  inexhaustible  mine  of  fun  and  will  delight  everybody. 


Paper  Cover,  75  Cents.    Morocco  Cloth,  Gilt  and  Black,  $1.25. 


SNOB  PAPERS  "  will  be  found  for  sale  by  all  Booksellers  and  at  all  News 
Stands  everywhere,  or  copies  of  it  will  be  sent  to  any  one,  to  any  place,  at  once,  post 
paid,  on  remitting  the  price  of  the  edition  wished  to  the  pitblishers, 

T.  B.  PETERSON  &  BROTHERS,  Philadelphia,  Pa. 


